Drowning Mona

Drowning Mona is a 2000 black comedy film in which the most-hated woman in town drives her car into the river to her death and everyone becomes a suspect.
 * Directed by Nick Gomez. Written by Peter Steinfeld.

1 murder. 460 prime suspects. Not so much of a 'who done it' as a 'who didn't'. Taglines

Rona Mace

 * Good luck doesn't happen to people like us. Good luck happens to Madonna.


 * I could wind up floating on the bottom of the Hudson.


 * Some shame bout that Mona Dearly. I mean, so young.

Phil Dearly

 * Don't kiss the dogs ass!


 * I was a battered husband.


 * [singing] I'm a Wheel Watcher! I'm a Wheel Watcher!

Mona Dearly

 * [to Bobby and Jeff, regarding the name BJ Landscaping] BJ? [laughs]'' Well, I think "JB" has a nicer ring to it. Besides, you don't want anyone goin' around calling ya "Blow Job Landscaping" - Do ya?

Jeff Dearly

 * I want half. And don't give me none of that "fifty-percent" shit.


 * Look, I heard you the first time, Bobby. I ain't mute.

Other

 * Lt. Feege Gruber: They found him this morning...dead in the water, so to speak.

Dialogue

 * Chief Wyatt Rash: My mother always used to say, "When life hands you potatoes, make potato salad."
 * Mona Dearly: Yeah? Well life handed me a whole pile of shit. What am I supposed to do with that?!
 * Phil Dearly: Make shit salad?


 * Deputy Tony Carlucci: [to Phil Dearly, after informing him of his wife's death] So, uh...you want to tell Jeff about his mom, or do you think we should do it, or...
 * Phil Dearly: Yeah! Uh...
 * Deputy Jimmy D: I mean, we'd be more than happy to do it, Phil, you know, it's just that, coming from you it may cushion the blow.
 * Deputy Tony Carlucci: Being that, you know, he's your son and all.
 * Phil Dearly: Well, in that case, it might be best if one of you did it.


 * Bobby Kalzone: Mona Dearly's dead.
 * Ellen Rash: What?
 * Bobby Kalzone: She's dead- It was just a- car accident.
 * Ellen Rash: You gotta be kiddin' me. Well- We gotta celebrate!
 * Bobby Kalzone: Jesus, God, Ellie she's a human being. Have a little respect.
 * Ellen Rash: I don't gotta have respect for no one in that family. Think how they treated you.
 * Bobby Kalzone: How did they treat me?
 * Ellen Rash: Badly, they're a houseful of freaks.


 * Jeff Dearly: Where's my car?
 * Deputy Jimmy D.: Well Jeff, it's a little bit more serious than your car.
 * [Pause]
 * Jeff Dearly: Would someone mind tellin me what the hell's goin on?
 * Deputy Tony Carlucci: Your mother drove her car into the lake Jeff, I'm afraid she's dead.
 * Jeff Dearly: What was she doing in my car?


 * Bobby Kalzone: Dude, she's like 13.
 * Jeff Dearly: Finally!


 * Bobby Kalzone: It's been different since Jeff killed Peaches.
 * Chief Wyatt Rash: Jeff killed Peaches? I thought it was the other way around.
 * Bobby Kalzone: Peaches killed Jeff?
 * Chief Wyatt Rash: No, I heard you killed Peaches.


 * Bobby Kalzone: [after Ellen slaps him after explaining what he did] What you do that for?
 * Ellen Rash: [outraged] You killed Mona Dearly!
 * Bobby Kalzone: [chastened] I know.
 * Ellen Rash: BUT WHY?!
 * Bobby Kalzone: Because I thought I was killing Jeff!
 * Ellen Rash: Bobby, my dad is the chief of police!
 * Bobby Kalzone: I know, but I wasn't gonna go through with it.
 * Ellen Rash: It doesn't matter; you killed someone!
 * Bobby Kalzone: I know, but I was doing it for us. Jeff was killing the business, and Mona wasn't gonna let me out of the partnership, so - Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.
 * Ellen Rash: A good idea at the time? 'Cut the grass at 6:00, lay sod at 7:00, DROWN THE DEARLYS AT 8:00'!


 * Ellen Rash: Yeah, but you're not even supposed to get that far, you're supposed to have that thing in your head that goes off and says, 'bad FUCKING idea, Bobby!'
 * Bobby Kalzone: I have that thing! I have that thing. It just didn't go off.
 * Ellen Rash: [pause] Yeah, well, I'm pregnant.
 * Bobby Kalzone: What? You're pregnant? That's great!
 * Ellen Rash: Uh huh! I thought so too, till a moment ago. I can't believe you killed someone!
 * [she walks off]
 * Bobby Kalzone: Where ya goin?
 * Ellen Rash: Home!
 * Bobby Kalzone: [quietly] We need milk.


 * Chief Wyatt Rash: Tell me something Cubby, you notice anything odd lately?
 * Cubby: You mean other than the fact that no one seems to care about this woman's death?
 * Chief Wyatt Rash: Along those lines.
 * Cubby: Hell Wyatt, I've seen people more upset over losing change in a candy machine.


 * Mona Dearly: Why'd you pull us over Feege?
 * Lt. Feege Gruber: Oh let me think about that Mona, you're riding on rims and you pulled an 1107 on an officer of the law. [to Jeff] What the hell is the matter with you son?
 * Mona Dearly: What did you hurt him for?
 * Lt. Feege Gruber: He's drunk!
 * Mona Dearly: No he ain't! [to Jeff] It's OK baby. [to Feege] You're gonna pay for this Feege! You just lost your lawn service, pal!


 * Jeff Dearly: [while threatening to kill himself] I know you all think I killed my parents.
 * Chief Wyatt Rash: We don't think you killed anybody!
 * Jeff Dearly: Yeah? Well, you're full of shit! Everyone know I've been wanting to get back at her ever since that night...
 * [a flashback shows Mona cleaving a sausage]
 * Jeff Dearly: Hey, Ma, there's no more beer. Give me some of yours.
 * Mona Dearly: Don't touch that beer, Jeff.
 * Jeff Dearly: [reaches out] Oh, give it to me.
 * Mona Dearly: I SAID...
 * [cleaves his hand clean off]
 * Jeff Dearly: [screams in pain] FUCK!
 * [back to present, everyone is shocked and disgusted]
 * Jeff Dearly: Was I so wrong?
 * Lt. Feege Gruber: You bet your ass.
 * Jeff Dearly: Yeah, but, I didn't kill her. Look, don't get me wrong: I'm glad she's dead and all, but I sure as hell didn't do it.
 * Chief Wyatt Rash: Jeff, I know you didn't kill her.
 * Jeff Dearly: I didn't kill my dad neither.
 * Chief Wyatt Rash: Then why don't you give me the gun.
 * Jeff Dearly: [puts the gun to head] BECAUSE MY LIFE SUCKS, MAN!

Taglines

 * 1 murder. 460 prime suspects. Not so much of a 'who done it' as a 'who didn't'.
 * The death of Mona Dearly wasn't so much a whodunnit, as a who didn't.
 * Who wanted to see Mona Dearly dead? Take a number.

Cast

 * Danny DeVito - Chief Wyatt Rash
 * Bette Midler - Mona Dearly
 * Neve Campbell - Ellen Rash
 * Jamie Lee Curtis - Rona Mace
 * Casey Affleck - Bobby Calzone
 * William Fichtner - Phil Dearly
 * Marcus Thomas - Jeff Dearly
 * Peter Dobson - Lt. Feege Gruber
 * Kathleen Wilhoite - Lucinda
 * Tracey Walter - Clarence
 * Will Ferrell - Cubby the Funeral Director
 * Paul Ben-Victor - Deputy Tony Carlucci
 * Paul Schulze - Deputy Jimmy D.