Eastbound & Down

Eastbound & Down (2009–2013) is an HBO comedy show about a former professional baseball pitcher, who after a disappointing career is forced to return to his hometown middle-school as a substitute physical education teacher.

Chapter 1 [1.01]

 * Terrence: You want a smoothie?
 * Kenny: No, I'm straight.


 * Kenny: A lot of people ask me, 'Kenny Powers, you're a giant superstar. You can get any woman. Have you ever paid for sex?' And the answer is yes, I have. Several times, in fact. And it's actually kinda cool. You can negotiate practically anything and sometimes, even just kind of do stuff in the moment that you never agreed to pay for and it goes by without much argument.

Chapter 2 [1.02]

 * [Kenny misses his target, a can on a stick, and hits and breaks a birdbath instead]
 * Dustin, Jr.: Why didn't you hit the target?
 * Kenny: Because, Dustin, Jr., at the last minute I decided NOT to hit the target. I decided to go for that birdbath your Dad put in there just- I'm trying so hard not to be an asshole to you guys, OK? Just please work with me here... alright, I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you guys. I'm just kinda disappointed with my own arm and how it's trying to butt-fuck me back here.
 * Dustin, Jr.: I hated that birdbath.
 * Kenny: I broke that birdbath for you 'cause I knew how much you hated it 'cause we're the same. I hate that fuckin' thing too... A stork wrapped around a tree branch, that's the stupidest thing I've ever seen before. You know how the plague started back in the day, was from a little disgusting birdbath in someone's backyard that rats made sex to birds in it and created a whole new type of AIDS.


 * Ashley: I don't want to be embarrassed.
 * Kenny: Well, you're doing a good job of that on your own just by how you fucking look.

Chapter 3 [1.03]

 * Kenny: Some people say Kenny Powers is a woman-hater. That's not true; I love women - every fuckin' one of 'em. Even the ugly-as-shit ones. But don't ask me to trust 'em, even nuns, because every pair of tits comes with a gaping hole of need that even Kenny Powers can't fill.


 * Kenny: If there's one thing I hate it's losing. If there's two things I hate it's losing and getting cancer.

Chapter 4 [1.04]

 * Stevie: Terrence, I don't teach you how to principal I don't think you should tell me how to teach band.
 * Terrence: You clearly don't understand the employer-employee relationship.
 * Stevie: Uh, I'm starting to and I don't like it.


 * Kenny: I don't know what's going on, man. I'm just all jammed up inside. Lost my abilities. Been stripped of all of my god-given talents. Including the talents to be able to have sex with any woman I choose, or throw a fucking ball fast, or to not prematurely come in my pants. Sometimes I just don't even know which one hurts the most. I'm ashamed of myself.

Chapter 5 [1.05]

 * Ashley Schaffer: I had a dream about this moment... When I was making love... to my wife Donna. On top of her; powerful thrusts, filling the sultry night air. Heavy breath. My son Gabriel walked in, little boy. My wife sprung out of bed and said "No, Gabriel! Leave!" And I said "No, honey, shut your mouth, let him watch." Let him watch what is being consecrated here. And I want the people to watch what is going to be consecrated here. And I will bring my son down here, and he will watch. He will watch you two battle it here - you two becoming one, OK? This isn't a game anymore - this isn't a game!


 * Reg Mackworthy: I feel this new lifestyle you got here, Kenny, I do. Let me ask you a question, though. When did you become... SUCH a pussy? I mean, like, you've always been a pussy, you know. But now you're just a vagina with a mullet.

Chapter 6 [1.06]

 * Kenny: Now listen to me you beautiful bitch, cause I am about to fuck you up with some truth.


 * Kenny: You know how you all think there are two kinds of lesbians. There's the kind on Cinemax that get it on and are really hot. Then there's the mean kind. Ms. Carol is neither of those.

Chapter 7 [2.01]

 * Kenny: This is me now. A man haunted by the sacrifices he's had to make. A man who ran and never looked back. A man who drank his ass all the way down to the butthole of America. I left my country to begin a new life - one where I could finally blend with those I was living amongst. Become just another face in the crowd.


 * Kenny: Sometimes you gotta wash away the paint, and reveal to the world the jackass that is hiding beneath.

Chapter 8 [2.02]

 * Kenny: Over the course of my career, I've played on many different teams - some I liked, and some I really fucking hated. I am not mentioning any names, but let's just say that Seattle can tongue kiss my shithole. The best way to get a new team on your side is to trash the last team you played for. Talk shit about how their fans suck, and their women have pancake titties.

Chapter 9 [2.03]

 * Kenny: It's no mystery that ass has always been tits' greates

Cast

 * Danny McBride - Kenny Powers
 * John Hawkes - Dustin Powers
 * Jennifer Irwin - Cassie Powers
 * Katy Mixon - April Buchanon
 * Steve Little - Stevie Janowski
 * Andrew Daly - Terrence Cutler
 * Ben Best – Clegg
 * Will Ferrell - Ashley Schaeffer