Elf (film)

Elf is a 2003 film about a man (Will Ferrell) rendered completely naive of the real world, having been raised from birth by Santa's elves at the North Pole is allowed to visit the American city of New York City around Christmass time in search of his biological father in order to bond with him and find his true personal identity and soul mate. He ends up encountering culture shock in modern day contemporary American society, completely unprepared to assimilate due to the overwhelming pessimism and misanthropism of ordinary everyday New Yorkers.
 * Directed by Jon Favreau. Written by David Berenbaum.

This holiday, discover your inner elf.

Dialogue

 * Papa Elf: Oh, hello. You're, uh, you're probably here. About the, Uh, the story. Elves love to tell stories. I-I'll bet you didn't know that about elves. There's, uh, probably a lot of things You... you didn't know about elves. Another... another interesting Uh, elf ism Uh, there are only three jobs available to an elf. The first is making shoes at night While, you know, while the old... The old cobbler sleeps.
 * Shoe elf: Lazy bum. Couldn't even make a clog.
 * Papa Elf: [Scene cuts to the oak tree house scene] You can bake cookies in a tree.
 * Elf: Hey!
 * Papa Elf: As you can imagine, it's, uh, dangerous having an oven in an oak tree during the dry season.
 * [Scene of elves fleeing an oak tree that's going up in flames]
 * Fat Baker elf: I wanna make shoes!
 * Papa Elf: But the third job... [scene cuts to the workshop scene] uh, some call it, uh, "The show," or... or "the big dance," it's the profession that every elf aspires to, and that is to build toys in Santa's workshop.
 * Supervisor Elf: Only two weeks left till Christmas!
 * Papa Elf: It's a job only an elf can do. Our... our nimble fingers, natural cheer and active minds are perfect for toy-building. They... they tried using gnomes and trolls, But the gnomes drank too much... [scene of gnome belches] and the trolls weren't toilet trained. [Troll in diaper farts] No human being has ever set... set foot in Santa's workshop. Uh, that is until about 30 years ago, and, as you may have guessed, that's where our story begins.
 * Teacher elf: Before we learn how to build the latest in extreme graphic chipset processors, let's recite the "Code of the Elves," shall we? Number one; "Treat every day like Christmas." Number two; "There's room for everyone on the nice list." Number three; "The best way to spread Christmas Cheer, is singing loud for all to hear."
 * Papa Elf: Well, I think it's time you start your tinker training.
 * Buddy: [He pokes head in sleigh garage and gasps] Santa's sleigh.
 * Papa Elf: You're gonna help me make it fly.
 * Buddy:I thought the magical reindeer made The sleighs fly.
 * Papa Elf: And where do the reindeer get their magic from?
 * Buddy: Christmas spirit. Everybody knows that.
 * Papa Elf: Well, silly as it sounds, a lot of people down south don't believe in Santa Claus.
 * Buddy: What?! Well, who do they think puts all their toys under the tree?
 * Papa Elf: Well, there's a rumor floating around that, uh, that the parents do it.
 * Buddy: That's... that's ridiculous. I mean, parents couldn't do that all in one night. What about Santa's cookies? I suppose parents eat them, too?
 * Papa Elf: Yeah, I, uh, I... I know, uh, and every earless and less people believe in Santa Claus. I mean, we have a real energy crisis on our hands.
 * Buddy: Oh.
 * Papa Elf: I mean, just see how low the, uh Claus meter is.
 * Buddy: That's shocking.
 * Papa Elf: That's why I came up with this little beauty in the '60s.
 * [Papa Elf turns over sleigh engine]
 * Buddy: Wh- what is it?
 * Papa Elf: It's a cringle 3000... A 500-reindeer power jet turbine engine. Without it, the sleigh couldn't get more than, uh, a few feet off the ground. Well, it looks like we got a short in the thermo coupler. You wanna give me a hand with that? You want me to help?
 * Papa Elf: As much as, uh, buddy was accepted by his family and friends, there were a few drawbacks to being, uh, a human in, uh an elf's world.
 * Buddy: Hey, Ming Ming. Um... I'm gonna be a little bit short on today's quota.
 * Ming Ming: It's all right, buddy. Just how many etch-a-sketches did you get finished? Come on, buddy. How many?
 * Buddy: I made, uh... 85.
 * [All the elves stop and stare]
 * Ming Ming: Eighty-five? That puts you... 915 off the pace.
 * Female elf: Ooh... that's bad.
 * Buddy: Why don't you just say it? I'm the worst toy maker in the world. I'm a cotton-headed ninny-muggins.
 * [All the elves gasps]
 * Ming Ming: No, buddy, you're not cotton- headed ninny-muggins. We all just have different talents, that's all.
 * Buddy: Seems like everyone else have the same talents except for me.
 * Ming Ming: You... you have, you have lots of talents, uh... special talents in fact, like um, uh...
 * Buddy: Special talents?
 * Female elf in blue: You changed the batteries in the smoke detector.
 * Male elf in yellow: You sure did... triple a's. And in six months, you'll have to check 'em again... Won't he?
 * Male elf in red: And you're the only baritone in the elf choir. You bring us down whole octave.
 * Male elf in orange: In a good way.
 * Ming Ming: See, buddy? You're not a cotton-headed ninny- muggings. You're just... special.
 * Papa Elf: And so, buddy was sent where the... The special elves work.
 * Ming Ming: Hey, Foom Foom... I hate to do this to you, but you think you could help me pick up the slack on those etch-a-sketches?
 * Foom Foom: No problem. I appreciate it.
 * Ming Ming: Buddy is killing me. I already got Lum Lum and Choo Choo pullin' doubles.
 * Foom Foom: That was quick thinking yesterday with that “special talents” thing.
 * Ming Ming: I feel bad for the guy. I just hope he doesn't get wise.
 * Foom Foom: Well, if he hasn't figured out he's a human by now, I don't think he ever will.
 * Buddy: [In a flashback] I think they're too small.
 * Ming Ming: You're just... special.
 * Ming Ming: [In presence] You don't look so good, buddy. Are you okay?
 * Buddy: I'll be okay, I just need a glass of water. [Buddy faints, falling on Ming Ming]
 * Ming Ming: Aah! Buddy... Unh! Aah!
 * Papa Elf: Buddy, are you okay?
 * Buddy: I'm sorry, Papa. I just need some alone time.
 * Papa Elf:Buddy, I... I think we... we have to talk. Buddy, uh, I think there's something I... I probably should tell you. You probably should have found out a long... A long time ago.
 * Papa Elf: I then proceeded to tell buddy of how his father had fallen in love when he was very young with a beautiful girl named Susan Wells, and how buddy was born and put up for adoption by his mother, and how she had later passed away. I... I told him his father had never even known that Buddy was born, and most importantly, I told him where his father was... uh, in a magical land called new York City.
 * Buddy: My dad works there?
 * Papa Elf: Empire state building.
 * [Buddy is running outside and passes 3 claymation figure, Arctic Puffin and two friends, a walrus and a penguin]
 * Arctic Puffin: Hey, buddy, wanna pick some snow berries?
 * Buddy: Not now, Arctic Puffin.
 * [Buddy comes up to a claymation snowman]
 * Leon: Hello, buddy.
 * Buddy: Oh... hi, Leon.
 * Leon: Why the long face, partner?
 * Buddy:It seems I'm... I'm not an elf.
 * Leon:'Course you're not. You're 6'3" and had a beard since you were 15.
 * Buddy: Papa says my real father lives in a magical place far away. I don't know what to do.
 * Leon: At least you have a daddy. I was just rolled up one day and left out here in the cold.
 * Buddy: But the thing is, I've never even left the North Pole.
 * Leon: Buddy, I've been around the world many times when I was a young cumulus nimbus cloud. It's a wonderful place, filled with wondrous creatures... Except dogs. Oh, by the way, don't eat the yellow snow.
 * Buddy: Oh, I know that.
 * Buddy:
 * Leon: All I'm say in' is, this might be the golden opportunity to find out whom you really are.
 * [Buddy and Santa are conversing in the workshop with all the elves spectating]
 * Santa: So, I hear you're going on a little journey to the big city.
 * Buddy: Yup. Ahh. I'm kind a nervous.
 * [Santa chuckles]
 * Buddy: Leon says New York is pretty different.
 * Santa: Oh, don't pay attention to Leon. He's never been anywhere. He doesn't have any feet. I've been to New York thousands of times.
 * Buddy: Really?
 * Santa: Mm-hmm.
 * Buddy: What's it like?
 * Santa: Well, there are some things you should know. First off, you see gum on The street, Leave it there. It's not free candy.
 * Buddy: Oh.
 * Santa: Second, there are, like, 30 Ray's Pizzas. They all claim to be the original, but the real one's on the 11th. And if you see a sign that Says "peep show," that doesn't mean that They're letting you look at presents before Christmas.
 * Buddy: Can't wait to see my dad... we're gonna go ices skating and... and eat sugar plums.
 * Santa: Yeah, that's the other thing I wanted to talk to you about. You know, buddy... [sighs] your father... Well... he's on the naughty list.
 * Buddy: [Face comes absolutely aghast] No! [Camera races to highlight of Walter Hobbs in book]
 * [Scene of Walter Hobbs in his office with a nun]
 * Walter: See, I... I see what you're trying to do here. You're trying to make me feel bad, when, in actuality, you're the one that missed the payments.
 * Nun: But the children love the books.
 * Walter: I know that, uh... you know, I'm the one that ran the focus groups, but I like hearing that.
 * Santa: Listen, some people, they just lose sight of what's important in life. That doesn't mean they can't find their way again, huh? Maybe all they need is just a little Christmas spirit.
 * [All the elves cheer]
 * Buddy: Well, uh, I... I'm good at that.
 * Santa: I know you are.
 * [Papa Elf hands Buddy a snowglobe of Empire State Building, representing Walter's office location]
 * Papa Elf: And I'll... I'll always, uh, I'll always be here for you. Now, uh... Go... uh, get.
 * Buddy: Bye, guys.
 * Random elves: Bye, buddy. Take care.
 * Nun: But the children love the books.
 * Walter: I know that, uh... you know, I'm the one that ran the focus groups, but I like hearing that.
 * Santa: Listen, some people, they just lose sight of what's important in life. That doesn't mean they can't find their way again, huh? Maybe all they need is just a little Christmas spirit.
 * [All the elves cheer]
 * Buddy: Well, uh, I... I'm good at that.
 * Santa: I know you are.
 * [Papa Elf hands Buddy a snowglobe of Empire State Building, representing Walter's office location]
 * Papa Elf: And I'll... I'll always, uh, I'll always be here for you. Now, uh... Go... uh, get.
 * Buddy: Bye, guys.
 * Random elves: Bye, buddy. Take care.
 * Random elves: Bye, buddy. Take care.


 * [Walking in a park and comes across a raccoon]
 * Buddy: Hey! What's your name? My name's buddy.
 * [Raccoon hisses]
 * Buddy: Ohh! Does someone need a hug? [He leans in and raccoon leaps onto his neck knocking him to the ground ferociously attacking] Aah, aah! That's not cool! I just wanted a hug!


 * [Buddy walks by coffee shop in New York and notices sign saying "WORLD"S BEST CUP OF COFFEE" and he bursts in the shop]
 * Buddy: You did it! Congratulations! World's best cup of coffee! Great job, everybody! It's great to meet you! [The shop staff and patrons just stare indifferently]


 * Walter: A reprint? You know how much that's gonna cost? Two whole pages are missing.
 * Client: The story doesn't make any sense.
 * Walter: What, you think some kid's gonna notice two pages? I mean, they... all they do is look at pictures.
 * Buddy: Sorry I can't ride with you the rest of the way up, But this is where my dad works.
 * Elevator rider: Well, have a good...
 * Buddy: Oh, I forgot to give you a hug!
 * Elevator rider: Oh, I don't know, Connie, I've never declared kittens before.
 * Buddy: [Gasps] Eight?
 * Secretary Deb: Uh, I don't know if I'm gonna have time. Oh, all right, just bring 'em by The camper this week, and I'll see what I can do. I'm not gonna charge you. Just bring 'em by, and I'll see what I can do. I have to go. Excuse me. [Buddy steps out of elevator]
 * Buddy: I'm here to see a Walter Hobbs. I'm Buddy the Elf.
 * Secretary Deb: [Laughs] You look hilarious! Who sent you?
 * Buddy: Papa Elf.
 * Secretary Deb: Papa Elf?
 * Buddy: Mm-hmm. From the North Pole.
 * Secretary Deb: From the North Pole? Yes.
 * Client: So, you really think we should ship 'em?
 * Walter: No, I think we should take a $30,000 bath so some kid can understand what happened? To a puppy and a frigging pigeon? Ship 'em. [Phone rings] Yeah.
 * Secretary Deb: Mr. Hobbs? It's me on the intercom.
 * Walter:Go ahead.
 * Secretary Deb: Yeah, I think some one sent you a Christmas-gram. [Buddy bursts into office]
 * Buddy:Dad!
 * [Walter chuckles]
 * Walter: All right, uh, let's get it Over with.
 * Buddy: I walked all day and night to find you.
 * Walter: Uh, you look like you came from the North Pole. [He chuckles]
 * Buddy: That's exactly where I came from. Santa must've called you!
 * Walter: Oh, yeah, sure, he, uh... Just got off the cell phone with me.
 * Buddy: You did?!
 * Walter: So, go on. Go on with what? Well, are... are you gonna sing a song or something, Or can I just go back to work?
 * Buddy: A song? Uh... yeah. Anything for you, Dad, uh... I... I'm, I'm here with my dad and we never met and he wants me to sing him a song and, um, I was adopted but you didn't know I was born. So, I'm here now, I found you, Daddy and, guess what? I love you, I love you I love you!
 * Walter: Wow, that was weird. You know, usually you guys just uh, you know, Put my name into jingle bells or something.
 * Buddy: It's me, your son. Susan Wells had me, and... And she didn't tell you, and, and, and, but now I'm here... It's me buddy. Susan Wells.
 * Walter: Uh, you said Susan Wells?
 * Buddy: Yes.
 * Walter: Who sent this Christmas-gram?
 * Buddy: What's a Christmas-gram? I want one.
 * Walter: [Whispers] I think we should call security.
 * Secretary Deb: Good idea.
 * Buddy: [Leans in as well] I like to whisper, too. It's okay, Walter's my father.
 * Security Deb: Well, your dad's busy right now.
 * Buddy: Okay, I'll come back later.
 * Walter: Yeah, you know, you're not gonna come back for awhile, okay? You're gonna go back to Santa Land.
 * Buddy: Okay.
 * Office security: Yeah, why don't you go back to Gimbels?
 * [Buddy is wandering aroung Gimbels department store]
 * Deparment samplists: Passion fruit spray?
 * Buddy: Fruit spray? Sure. [He sprays it in his mouth and then starts crying in pain]
 * Deparment samplists: Sorry.
 * Buddy: [He steps up on a toilet and looks over a neighboring stall in the washroom] Hey! Have you seen these toilets?! They're gi-normous!
 * Deparment samplists: Passion fruit spray?
 * Buddy: Fruit spray? Sure. [He sprays it in his mouth and then starts crying in pain]
 * Deparment samplists: Sorry.
 * Buddy: [He steps up on a toilet and looks over a neighboring stall in the washroom] Hey! Have you seen these toilets?! They're gi-normous!
 * Buddy: [He steps up on a toilet and looks over a neighboring stall in the washroom] Hey! Have you seen these toilets?! They're gi-normous!


 * [Buddy observes a sign of "For that special someone" and is holding a hanger of Christmas themed nightgown lingerie]
 * Gimbel's Manager: Psst! [Grunts and gestures to "come here"] Hey, come... come here!
 * Buddy: [Mystified] Me?
 * Gimbel's Manager: Yes! What are you doing down here?! You're not supposed to be down here! You can shop on your break, ou don't... come on, get upstairs!
 * Buddy: Okay, I didn't know!
 * Gimbel's Manager: Well You should know!
 * Buddy: Are you mad at me?
 * Gimbel's Manager: No.
 * Buddy: Are you sure?
 * Gimbel's Manager: Yes, I'm sure! Just do your job!
 * Buddy: Okay, fair enough.
 * Buddy: [Gasps] Wow! What's this?!
 * Gimbel's Manager: This is the North Pole.
 * Buddy: No, it's not!
 * Gimbel's Manager: Yes, it is!
 * Buddy: No, it's not!
 * Gimbel's Manager: Yes, it is!
 * Buddy: No, it isn't!
 * Gimbel's Manager: Yes, it is!
 * Buddy: No, it's not! Where's the snow? [Smiles]
 * Gimbel's Manager: Why are you smiling like that?
 * Buddy: I just like to smile! Smiling's my favorite!
 * Gimbel's Manager: [Pause] Make work your favorite, okay?
 * Buddy: Okay.
 * Gimbel's Manager: Work is your new favorite.
 * Buddy: Fine.
 * Gimbel's Manager: It's time for an announcement. [To the employees] Okay, people! Tomorrow morning, 10:00am, Santa's comin' to town!
 * Buddy: SANTA!!! OH, MY GOD!!! [Excitedly, to the manager''] Santa, here? I know him! I know him!
 * Gimbel's Manager: He'll be here to take pictures with all of the children. 10:00am tomorrow.
 * Buddy: 10:00am tomorrow!
 * Gimbel's Manager: Santa's comin' to town.


 * Jovie:Are you enjoying the view?
 * Buddy: You are very good at decorating that tree.
 * Jovie:Why are you messing with me? Did Krumpet put you up to this?
 * Buddy: I'm not messing with you. It's just nice to meet another human who shares my affinity for, elf culture.
 * Jovie:I'm just trying to get through the holidays.
 * Buddy: Get through? Christmas is the greatest Day in the whole wide world!
 * Jovie:Please stop talking to me.
 * Buddy: Uh-oh. Sounds like somebody needs to sing a Christmas carol.
 * Jovie: No way.
 * Buddy: The best way to spread Christmas cheer, is singing loud for all to hear.
 * Jovie: Thanks, but I don't sing.
 * Buddy: Oh, well, it's just like talking, except longer and louder, and you move your voice up and down.
 * Jovie: I can sing, I just choose not to sing. Especially in front of other people.
 * Buddy: If you can sing alone, you sing in front of other people. There's no difference.
 * Jovie: Actually, there's a BIG difference.
 * Buddy: No... no... no, there isn't. Wait... [starts singing loud and off-key] I'm singing!/I'm in a store and I'm singing! [Adeptly] I'm in a store and I'm singing!
 * Gimbel's Manager: HEY! There's no singin' in the North Pole!
 * Buddy: Yes, there is!
 * Gimbel's Manager: No, there's not!
 * Buddy: We sing all the time!
 * Gimbel's Manager: No, there's not!
 * Buddy: Especially when we make toys! [To Jovie] See?


 * [Scene of Walter's dining room with wife and son]
 * Walter: Hey, uh... I'm gonna eat in the bedroom, okay? I, uh, I got a bunch of stuff to go over.
 * Wife Emily: Are you sure?
 * Walter: I'm... I'm just way behind on a bunch of stuff.
 * Emily: Okay.
 * Son Michael: Can I eat in my room?
 * Emily: No.
 * Michael: Why not? Dad's eating in his room. [Mimics father's voice] I got a bunch of homework to go over, and I'm way behind on a bunch of stuff.
 * Emily:You're eating here.


 * [After doing a all-nighter of hyper decorating the store, Buddy hears Jovie singing in the shower in the staff room, walks in and sits on the sink shelf and sings along]
 * Jovie:I really can't stay, I've got to go 'way, this evening has been, so very nice, my mother will start to worry, and father will be pacing' the floor, So, really, I'd better scurry, well, may be just a half a drink more, the neighbors might think baby, it's bad out there, say, what's in this drink? No cabs to be had out there I wish I knew how to break the spell, I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell, I ought to say no, no, no, sir, mind if I move in closer? At least I'm gonna say that I tried, what's the sense of hurting? my pride? I really can't stay, ah, but it's cold outside baby, it's cold outside! [When Buddy sustains a note and Jovie realises there's a man in the room and turns the water off] Get out! Don't look at me! Get out [Buddy covers his eyes and runs into a locker and knocks himself out]
 * [At work in the Department shopping floor]
 * Jovie: Hey, you.
 * Buddy: Me?
 * Jovie: Come here. I wanna talk to you.
 * Buddy: What do you wanna talk to, me about?
 * Jovie: How come you were in the women's locker room this morning?
 * Buddy: I heard you singing.
 * Jovie: You sure it had nothing to do with the fact that I was naked and in the shower?
 * Buddy: I didn't know you were naked. Why were you here so early?
 * Jovie: They shut my water off. What were you doing here?
 * Buddy: Building this.
 * Jovie: You built this? They're kinda pissed about this.
 * Gimbel's Manager: [Appears] Hey, guys. Have you seen the place? It's pretty good. It's a little "too good". Corporate must have sent in a professional. I don't know why somebody's gunning for my job. But look, let's remain a team, okay? Cause if I go, we all go. If you get wind of anything, call me on my radio. Channel three. Code word is "Santa's got a brand new bag." Okay? [To Jovie] Six inch ribbon curls, honey.
 * Jovie: [Rolls her eyes] But that's impossible.
 * Gimbel's Manager: [Interrupting] SIX... inches. [Storms away]
 * Buddy: By the way, you have the most beautiful singing voice in the whole wide world.
 * Buddy: By the way, you have the most beautiful singing voice in the whole wide world.


 * [Buddy sees Santa in the store]
 * Buddy: Santa.
 * Gimbel's Santa: Hey! Ho, ho, ho!
 * [All children cheer excitedly]
 * Buddy: Santa! It's me, Buddy! It's me!
 * Gimbel's Santa: Hey, buddy. How you doing?
 * [An elf places a child on his lap]
 * Buddy: Santa, it's me! [His excitement and enthusiasm fades away as he grimaces at him] Who the heck are you?
 * Gimbel's Santa: What are you talking about? I'm Santa Claus.
 * Buddy: No, you're not.
 * Gimbel's Santa: Uh... Why of course I am! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
 * Buddy: Well, if you're Santa, what song did I sing for you on your birthday this year?
 * Gimbel's Santa: Um... Well, Happy Birthday, of course! Ho, ho, ho! So, uh, how old are you son?
 * Paul: Four.
 * Gimbel's Santa: You're a big boy. What's your name?
 * Paul: Paul.
 * Gimbel's Santa: And, uh, what can I get you for Christmas?
 * Buddy: [Quietly] Paul, don't tell him what you want. He's a liar!
 * Gimbel's Santa: [To Buddy] Let the kid talk.
 * Buddy: You disgust me. How can you live with yourself?
 * Gimbel's Santa: Just cool it, zippy!
 * Buddy: You sit on a throne of lies.
 * Gimbel's Santa: Look, I'm not kidding.
 * Buddy: You're a fake.
 * Gimbel's Santa: I'm a fake?
 * Buddy: Yes.
 * Gimbel's Santa: How'd you like to be dead?! Huh?
 * Paul: Fake.
 * Gimbel's Santa: No, he's kidding.
 * Buddy: [Sniffs] You stink.
 * Gimbel's Santa: [As the elf takes Paul off his lap after a picture] I think you're gonna have a good Christmas, all right?
 * Buddy: You smell like beef and cheese, you don`t smell like Santa.
 * Gimbel's Santa: OK.
 * [Buddy accidentally rips off the beard of Gimbel's Santa, and gasps. The kids scream in horror]
 * Buddy: HE'S AN IMPOSTER! HE'S NOT SANTA!
 * [They get into a huge brawling fight, with Buddy getting body slammed into decorations]
 * Buddy: He's a fake! He's a fake! I saw!
 * Gimbel's Santa: Come here! Come here!
 * Buddy: He's a fake!
 * Gimbel's Santa: Where are you goin' now? Where are you goin' now? [Angrily smashes Buddy's designs; the manager starts tackling the fake Santa to protect Buddy]
 * Buddy: He's not Santa Claus! He's not Santa!


 * [''Walter arrives at police station and Buddy meets him']
 * Buddy: Dad! I knew that you'd come, I love you for coming. Officer Tom, this is my Dad. This is Walter... he came. He bailed me out. They gave me one phone call. [Repeats] And I said," I know who I'm gonna call... Walter Hobbs. And sure enough, you showed up. You did, they said you weren't gonna show up. They told me so many times...
 * Walter: Shh. Just who the heck are you, and what is your problem?
 * Buddy: I'm Buddy. I'm your son.
 * Walter: Wait, um... Tell me, tell me, tell me, uh... Where did you get this picture?
 * Buddy: Papa Elf gave it to me.
 * Walter: Listen... is this some kind a game? What do you want, some money?
 * Buddy: No! I just wanted to meet you, And I thought you might wanna meet me.
 * Walter: Who wouldn't wanna meet you?
 * Buddy: I thought maybe we could make Gingerbread houses, And eat cookie dough, and go Ice skating, and... and maybe even hold hands.
 * Walter: Uh-huh. Come with me.
 * Buddy: Okay.
 * [In a physician's clinic and the physician enters]
 * Physician: Okay. What have we got here?
 * [Buddy then pops two cotton balls in his mouth and ingests them with Walter observing]
 * Walter: Buddy, don't eat those. [Grabs Buddy's hand on third reach, and Buddy reveals the cotton balls in other hand in a magician's trick]
 * Physician: We got to really hurry up, Walter, because I'm double-booked for the rest of the afternoon.
 * Buddy: Am I sick?
 * Walter: Yeah, but that's not why we're here. We're here to do a test, come on.
 * Buddy: What kind of test?
 * Walter: It's just a test to find out if you're my son or not.
 * Buddy: Why am I sitting on paper?
 * Physician: Because it's sanitary for the other patients. Now, would you sit still so I can do the finger prick?
 * Buddy: [Gasps] Finger prick! Ohh! It's cold.
 * Physician: Yeah, just please sit still, please?
 * Buddy: Okay, can I listen to your necklace?
 * Physician: No, you can't.
 * Walter: Will you just sit still...?
 * Buddy: Why is there a skeleton over there?
 * Physician: I don't know. Walter, could you please...?
 * Buddy: If I squint, it looks like a pirate flag.
 * Physician: Could you please have him sit still?
 * Buddy: Does he have a name?
 * Walter: No, he hasn't got a name. I'm sorry, Ben. I am sorry.
 * Physician: I have a lot of sick patients waiting.
 * Walter: Would you please hold still? Please.
 * Buddy: He got mad at me.
 * Walter: Yes, he did. He did. The sooner you sit still, the sooner we can get this mess over with.
 * Buddy: Okay. Then can we eat sugar plums?
 * Walter: You betcha. We'll eat sugar plums, make gingerbread houses, and we'll even paint eggs.
 * Buddy: Well, paint eggs, that's Easter. [Doctor pricks his finger] Ow!
 * [In the waiting room with a little girl]
 * Buddy: Ohh... my finger has a heartbeat.
 * Girl: It won't hurt so much after a while. What's your name?
 * Buddy:Buddy.
 * Girl: I'm Carolyn.
 * Buddy: Hi. What do you want for Christmas?
 * Girl: A Suzy-talks-a-lot.
 * Buddy: I'll put in a good word with the big man.
 * Girl: Thanks. Your costume is pretty.
 * Buddy: Oh, it's not a costume. I'm an elf. Well, technically, I'm a human, but I was raised by elves.
 * Girl: Oh, I'm a human raised by humans.
 * Buddy: Hmm. Cool.
 * [Physician comes in examination room]
 * Walter: So?
 * Physician: It's a boy. Buddy is your son.
 * Walter: That's very impossible. You saw that guy out there. He's certifiably insane.
 * Physician: He's probably just reverting to a state of childlike dependency.
 * Walter: An elf?
 * Physician: What he needs is to be nurtured.
 * Walter: Oh, I see. So, you'd like me to breastfeed him?
 * Physician: Walter, just bring him home, introduce him to Emily and Michael, and once he comes to terms with reality, he should drop the whole elf thing and move on with his life. I mean, that's what I would do if I were you.
 * [Walter and Emily step out of the elevator of Walter's residence building and walk down the hallway to his apartment]
 * Emily: Oh, my god! Walter, this is... this is wonderful, you... you have another son. Wonderful. Oh, gosh, I... I guess I never really thought of it that way. This is incredible, I... you know, it's a little complicated, But it's nothing that we can't handle.
 * Walter: Honey?
 * Emily: What?
 * Walter: He thinks he's an elf.
 * Emily: I'm sorry, what?
 * Walter: He think he's a Christmas elf.
 * Emily: Oh, come on, Walter, I'm sure he doesn't actually think he's an elf.
 * Buddy: And then, I traveled through the seven levels of the candy cane forest, past the sea of swirly-twirly gumdrops, and then, I walked through the Lincoln Tunnel. [He then downs an entre 2 litre bottle of Coca-Cola in one gulp]
 * Emily: Ahh. So, where were you for the last 30 years?
 * Buddy: The North Pole. Can you pass the maple syrup? Please?
 * Emily: I... I didn't put... it's spaghetti.
 * Buddy: Oh, you know what? I think I have some. [He reaches into his sleave and miraculously produces a mini bottle of maple syrup] Yes.
 * Emily: You sure like sugar, huh?
 * Buddy: Is there sugar in syrup?
 * Emily: Yes.
 * Buddy: Then YES! We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corn, and syrup.
 * Emily: So, would you be staying with us then?
 * Buddy: You mean I can stay?
 * Emily: Of course you can.
 * Walter: Emily.
 * Emily: How... how long do you think you'll be with us?
 * Buddy: I... I hadn't really planned it out, but I was thinking, like... forever.
 * Walter: Emily? Can I just speak to you for a minute in the, uh, kitchen, please? [In kitchen to Emily] Are you crazy? He cannot stay here.
 * Emily: Clearly he has some serious issues. We can't just throw him out in the snow.
 * Walter: Why not? He loves the snow. He's told me 15 times.
 * Emily: Walter, he's your son.
 * [Buddy lets out an inhumanly long belch]
 * Buddy: Did you hear that?
 * Michael: [Dismissively] You are so weird.
 * [Buddy is lying in bed]
 * Buddy: Dad? Dad? Dad! [Walter comes in door]
 * Walter: What?
 * Buddy: [Whispers] I can't go to sleep, unless I get tucked in.
 * Walter: What?
 * Buddy: I can't go to sleep unless I get tucked in.
 * Walter: I am not gonna tuck you in.
 * Buddy: I... I promise I'll go right to sleep.
 * Walter: Fine.
 * Buddy: Tickle fight, tickle fight!
 * Walter: Buddy, stop.
 * Buddy: Tickle fight. Tickle...
 * Walter: Stop stop, stop.
 * Buddy: Sorry.
 * Walter: It's all right. Hey, uh, [clears throat] you just lay there and go to sleep.
 * Buddy: Okay.
 * Walter: Okay.
 * Buddy: Dad?
 * Walter: Hmm?
 * Buddy: I love you.
 * Walter: Okay. Go to sleep now.
 * Walter: Okay.
 * Buddy: Dad?
 * Walter: Hmm?
 * Buddy: I love you.
 * Walter: Okay. Go to sleep now.


 * Greenway: Hobbs.
 * Walter: Hey. How you doing?
 * Greenway: Please sit down. I saw you at the retreat. You're looking good.
 * Walter: Thank you very much, you as well. What do I owe the pleasure?
 * Greenway: Well, to be honest, I got a call from my niece. She wants to know how a certain puppy and a certain pigeon escaped the clutches of a certain evil witch.
 * Walter: Believe me, we're already looking for new printers. This one has obviously gotten sloppy.
 * Greenway: Maybe it isn't the printer who's gotten sloppy. That's your signature, right?
 * Walter: You know, we could sit here and point fingers all day.
 * Greenway: I've got news for you. Even if those two pages were in there, the book still would've sucked. Have you seen the numbers for this quarter?
 * Walter: They'll be here today.
 * Greenway: They're in. That frigging puppy and pigeon are tanking hard, Hobbs. My people estimate we're gonna post a minus 8 for this quarter. A minus 8. That does not happen.
 * Walter: You know, we'll bounce back. We...
 * Greenway: No.
 * Walter: No? Well...
 * Greenway: No, no, no. We're gonna ship a new book the first quarter.
 * Walter: First quarter?
 * Greenway: I'm gonna be back in town on the 24th. At that time, I would love to hear in exact detail what your plans are for this new book.
 * Walter: Wait a minute. The 24th, that's Christmas Eve.
 * Greenway: And?
 * Walter: And, no problem. Be great to have you in the loop.


 * Buddy: [Out of breath from stalking Michael] Wow, you're fast. I'm glad I caught up to you. I waited five hours for you. Why is your coat so big? So, good news - I saw a dog today. Have you seen a dog? You probably have. How was school? Was it fun? Did you get a lot of homework? Huh? Do you have any friends? Do you have a best friend? Does he have a big coat, too?
 * Michael: Go away!
 * Michael: Where did you say you were from?
 * Buddy: Oh, yeah, candles burning low, lots of mistletoe, lots of snow and ice everywhere we go, choirs singing carols right outside my door, all these things and more. I wish Dad were here.
 * Michael: Why?
 * Buddy: 'Cause he's the greatest Dad in the whole wide world.
 * Michael: Are you kidding? He's the worst Dad in the world.
 * Buddy: What do you mean?
 * Michael: All he does is work.
 * Buddy: Working's fun.
 * Michael: Not the way he does it. All he cares about is money. He doesn't care about you, or me, or anybody.
 * Buddy: Well, he is on the naughty list.
 * Michael: [Notices Buddy staring at Jovie] You like her?
 * Buddy: Like who?
 * Michael: The girl you're staring at.
 * Buddy: Oh, uh... Yeah.
 * Michael: Why don't you ask her out?
 * Buddy: Out?
 * Michael: You know, on a date... to eat food.
 * Buddy: Food?
 * Michael: Yes, real food, not candy. And if she says yes, you're in. It's like a secret code girls have.
 * Jovie: Well, look who it is.
 * Buddy: Hi, Jovie. Hi. Oh, uh, this is Michael. I'm his brother.
 * Michael: Hi.
 * Jovie: So, what are you doing here? Did Gimbels give you your job back?
 * Buddy: No. But things worked out pretty good. They gave me a restraining order.
 * Jovie: Well, um, you should probably get outta here.
 * Buddy: Ho ho ho! But... I really wanted to see you, and... and I think you're beautiful, and I, um... I feel really warm when I am around you, And, um, my tongue swells up. So... Do you wanna go eat food?
 * Jovie: Do I... do I wanna eat food?
 * Buddy: Mm-hmm, you know, uh, the code... food.
 * Jovie: Well, I just had my lunch break.
 * Buddy: Oh, okay. I understand.
 * Jovie: But I'm free on Thursday.
 * Buddy: Thursday! Thursday! Come on. That'd be great. All right. Was that okay?
 * Michael: You did great, man.
 * [Buddy and Michael are hoisting up an actual pine tree in the family apartment]
 * Buddy: What should we put on it first?
 * Michael: Lights!
 * Buddy: Oh, good. And then, after that?
 * Michael: Ornaments!
 * Buddy: Ornaments, okay.
 * Walter: What the hell's that?
 * Michael: A Christmas tree.
 * Walter: A Christmas tree?
 * Michael: Buddy chopped it down in the park.
 * Walter: Emily.
 * Emily: I don't know what you're making such a big deal about. They were just having a little fun.
 * Walter: Oh, fun? So felonies are fun now? I thought, see, felonies were felonies.
 * Emily: Okay, the tree thing was bad. I'll get him to plant another one. But at least Michael is happy for once.
 * Walter: What, uh, what's that supposed to mean?
 * Emily: Well, I don't think it's any secret, Walter, that you haven't exactly been there for him.
 * Walter: I'll tell you what, why don't we just pull him outta school and let the, uh, deranged elf man raise him? Then they can have lots of fun committing felonies.
 * Michael: How are we gonna get the star on top?
 * Buddy: I got it.
 * Walter: I mean, what are we gonna do? We can't... we can't leave him alone here. He's gonna destroy the place.
 * Emily: Why don't you, um... why don't you take off tomorrow? You know, and you could stay home and watch him?
 * Walter: Oh, no. No, I can't stay home tomorrow, I have a budget meeting tomorrow. Well, honey, I can't take off, I'm one... one bad pitch away from getting fired... one.
 * Emily: Well, I tell you what, I have an idea then. Why don't you take buddy to work with you?
 * [Buddy and Walter arrive at Walter's office]
 * Buddy: That's a nice purple dress. It's very purple-y
 * Walter: Francisco.
 * Francisco: How's it going, Mr. Hobbs?
 * Buddy: Ooh, Francisco, that's fun to say..." Francisco." Do you remember me?
 * Secretary Deb: I do. I didn't recognize you.
 * Buddy: I know, I'm in work clothes. Thank you, Deborah. Deb, you have such a pretty face. You should be on a Christmas card.
 * Secretary Deb: You just made my day.
 * Buddy: Eww.
 * Walter: Buddy.
 * Buddy: Hmm?
 * Walter: You don't have to drink that.
 * Buddy: [Whispers] Am I too loud?
 * Walter: Just... just a little.
 * Buddy: Sorry.
 * Walter: Yes, Bud?
 * Buddy: Why is your name on the desk?
 * Walter: I bought the desk. My name's there so no one steals it.
 * Buddy: That's a joke, isn't it, Dad?
 * Walter: Yeah, buddy, that's a joke.
 * Buddy: So, what are we gonna build?
 * Walter: No, uh, we don't do that kind of work here, pal.
 * Buddy: [Answers phone] Buddy the elf, what's your favorite color?
 * Walter: Put that down. [Answers phone] Hello? [To Buddy] Please, don't touch anything.
 * Buddy: Sorry.
 * Walter: Hey... Bud, have you... have you... Have you ever seen a mailroom?
 * Buddy: A mailroom? No.
 * Walter: No?
 * Buddy: No.
 * Walter: Oh, I mean, wow. Wow... listen, it's a place where mail from all over the world comes, uh-huh. And they sort it out there, see? And you can touch it all, and they put it in these shiny bins.
 * Buddy: Shiny bins?
 * Walter: Right. What do ya think?
 * Buddy: It sounds great.
 * Walter: Good.
 * Buddy: Can we go there?
 * Walter: Well, um... I gotta work here, maybe... maybe you can work there.
 * Buddy: Okay, I'll work there.
 * [Buddy is walking through the mailroom with a supervisor]
 * Buddy: Oh, I don't think this is the place my Dad was talking about. Is there a different mailroom?
 * Supervisor: No. This is the only one.
 * Buddy: It's not very shiny.
 * Supervisor: Now... over here's the trench. All the mail comes out that shooter. Scan and find the floor each piece is moving to. Put it in a canister and shove it up the tube with the same number. You got that?
 * Buddy: I think so. This place reminds me of Santa's workshop. Except it smells like mushrooms, and everyone looks like they wanna hurt me.
 * Walter: Uh, Greenway's coming in tomorrow, So, what... what do we got?
 * Eugene: Well, Morris and I have been brainstorming, and we've come up with what I think is a pretty big idea.
 * Walter: Great, what?
 * Morris: You're gonna love it, it's fantastic.
 * Walter: What?
 * Morris: Okay, picture this... We bring in Miles Finch.
 * Walter: The miles finch?
 * Morris: The golden ghost. We bring him in! He's written more classics than Dr. Seuss. It ain't gonna be easy, But I think it's worth a shot.
 * Walter: My two top writers, my crack team, my fun squad... you came in here pitching me, the idea of hiring another writer?
 * Morris: Yeah.
 * Walter: Miles Finch. I like it. [Chuckles] I like it.
 * [Buddy is working in the mailroom]
 * Buddy: Then I traveled through the seven levels of the candy cane forest and past the sea of swirly-twirly gumdrops. [Goofing around with the suction tube and gasps] Ooh! Wow... it's sucky. Ohh, it's wonderful. Yes! That is marvelous how that... Oh! [Laughs and brings down head under the tube and gets suctioned and rips head away] Oh, it's very sucky. It's very... sucky. Whoo. [Talks to colleague next to him]
 * Buddy: So, how'd you get here?
 * Colleague: Work release.
 * Buddy: Mm. Oh, syrup and coffee? Why didn't I think of that? Can I try some?
 * Colleague: Be my guest.
 * Buddy: Very generous of you. Mmm. [Gasps] I love syrup. Ohh, I love it. Mmm...
 * Buddy: [Drunk] I know I sound like a broken record but we are buddies, you're my best friend, that's it.
 * Mailroom Guy: You know, I have really great ideas, but no one around here listens to me.
 * Buddy: I listen to your ideas, you have great ideas.
 * Mailroom Guy: I got to go with the flow.
 * Buddy: Then go with the flow.
 * Mailroom Guy: No! I got to get out of the flow, that's what got me here.
 * Buddy: Then get out of the flow.
 * Mailroom Guy: I mean I'm 26 years old, I've got nothing to show for it.
 * Buddy: You're young, you're so young...You know my papa, he didn't make master tinker till he was 490.
 * Mailroom Guy: [Chuckles] 490...
 * Buddy: Tickle fight! [Tickles the mailroom guy, who laughs hysterically]
 * [Walter, Morris and Eugene are conference calling Miles Finch]
 * Morris: My favorite book of yours has gotta be Gus' pickles. It's existential, yet it's so accessible.
 * Eugene: Uh, Mr. Finch, uh, Eugene Dupris here. It's a thrill just to be talking to you on our speakerphone.
 * Walter: Miles, um, so, what do you think? Can you fly in tomorrow?
 * Miles: I'll give you five hours tomorrow, not a minute more.
 * Walter: Oh, that's... that's great.
 * Miles: I'd like a black s500 to receive me at the airport. I need the interior of that car to be 71 degrees exactly.
 * Walter: We can do that.
 * Deborah: Mr. Hobbs? There's a situation downstairs.
 * Miles: I'm sorry, what?
 * Walter: No, hold on, Miles. Deb, hang up.
 * Miles: I do not hold. Do not put me on hold.
 * Deborah: We have a problem in the mailroom.
 * Walter: What's going on? Don't speak... Deborah, hang up!
 * Miles: That's it, I'm gone.
 * Walter: Miles!
 * Finch: I'll be there tomorrow... 71 degrees.
 * Deborah: Sir, Chuck in the mailroom needs to talk to you.
 * Walter: Chuck... what, Chuck? I mean, what could be going on down there that's so important you had to interrupt me, what?
 * [Buddy is doing Fonzie-esque slavic dances on a table in the mailroom with the whole staff pounding on the table in sync to song beats and fist pumping in unison when Buddy raises his arms]
 * Rap song lyrics: Whoomp, there it is! A little louder, whoomp, there it is! Come on, y'all, whoomp! There it is upside down and inside out, hey! I'm 'bout to show all you folks, what it's all about, hey! Time for me to get on the mike! And make this mother of a party hype, I'm taking you back to the old school, 'cause I'm an old fool who's so cool, if you wanna get down, I'm gonna show you the way! Whoomp, there it is, let me hear you say, Whoomp, there it is! Come on, y'all! Whoomp! There it is a little louder! Whoomp, there it is! Come on, y'all! Whoomp, there it is!
 * Miles: That's it, I'm gone.
 * Walter: Miles!
 * Finch: I'll be there tomorrow... 71 degrees.
 * Deborah: Sir, Chuck in the mailroom needs to talk to you.
 * Walter: Chuck... what, Chuck? I mean, what could be going on down there that's so important you had to interrupt me, what?
 * [Buddy is doing Fonzie-esque slavic dances on a table in the mailroom with the whole staff pounding on the table in sync to song beats and fist pumping in unison when Buddy raises his arms]
 * Rap song lyrics: Whoomp, there it is! A little louder, whoomp, there it is! Come on, y'all, whoomp! There it is upside down and inside out, hey! I'm 'bout to show all you folks, what it's all about, hey! Time for me to get on the mike! And make this mother of a party hype, I'm taking you back to the old school, 'cause I'm an old fool who's so cool, if you wanna get down, I'm gonna show you the way! Whoomp, there it is, let me hear you say, Whoomp, there it is! Come on, y'all! Whoomp! There it is a little louder! Whoomp, there it is! Come on, y'all! Whoomp, there it is!
 * Rap song lyrics: Whoomp, there it is! A little louder, whoomp, there it is! Come on, y'all, whoomp! There it is upside down and inside out, hey! I'm 'bout to show all you folks, what it's all about, hey! Time for me to get on the mike! And make this mother of a party hype, I'm taking you back to the old school, 'cause I'm an old fool who's so cool, if you wanna get down, I'm gonna show you the way! Whoomp, there it is, let me hear you say, Whoomp, there it is! Come on, y'all! Whoomp! There it is a little louder! Whoomp, there it is! Come on, y'all! Whoomp, there it is!


 * Jovie: Hi.
 * Buddy: Wow. You look miraculous.
 * Jovie: So do you.
 * Buddy: Thank you.
 * Jovie: What would you like to do?
 * Buddy: I got some ideas. [He turns around starts walking with Jovie following]
 * [They are in coffee shop with Jovie blindfolded and she is taking a sip from the cup]
 * Buddy: Just reach out in front of you and and take a sip. Don't look. There you go. Well?
 * Jovie: It tastes like a crappy cup of coffee.
 * Buddy: [Chuckles] No. [She takes blindfold off]
 * Jovie: It is a crappy cup of coffee.
 * Buddy:No, it's the world's best cup of coffee.
 * [Buddy is going mental with revolving doors]
 * Buddy:The trick is to not get your arm caught in the door! Also, never close your eyes 'cause then, okay, when you feel comfortable, you just jump in!
 * [They're running on sidewalk]
 * Jovie: What are you doing?
 * Buddy: I'm skipping. I'm skipping. I'm skipping. Wait, wait, wait... one more, one more.
 * [They stop in front of store display of Christmas tree with lights]
 * Buddy: Now, look at the size of this one. Come with me. Watch out. [They cross street and cab skids to a halt] Yellow ones don't stop. The yellow ones don't stop.
 * [They stop and admire the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree]
 * Buddy: Wow... that's a big one. I'm sorry. You missed.
 * Jovie: What do you mean I missed?
 * Buddy: You missed. Also, never close your eyes' cause then
 * [Buddy and Jovie are ice skating at Rockfeller Center. Buddy kisses Jovie on the cheek.]
 * Buddy: Sorry.
 * Jovie: You missed.
 * Buddy: What do you mean I missed?
 * Jovie: You missed. [Kisses Buddy]
 * Jovie: You missed. [Kisses Buddy]


 * [Miles Finch arrives at Walter's office]
 * Miles Finch: All right, let's do this.
 * Walter: Miles, I'm so happy you could come. Uh...
 * Miles Finch: Yeah.
 * Walter: I'm Walter Hobbs. Yeah, let's get the, uh... Taken care of so we can get started here. Here you go.
 * Miles: Great. All right... [Clears throat] What have you guys got so far? Go ahead.
 * Morris: Uh... We were thinking, uh, something like this, uh... We open on a young tomato. He's had some tough times down at the farm with, you know, a rabbit, and...
 * Miles: No. No tomatoes... too vulnerable. Kids, they're already vulnerable.
 * Walter: No, you see? I... I told you guys. I told them the very same thing...
 * Miles: And no farms. Every body's pushing small town rural. A farm book would just be white noise.
 * Eugene: What about this? Uh, a tribe of asparagus children, but they're self-conscious about the way their pee smells. [Gestures in a desperate urge of praising of originality]
 * Walter: Apparently, all we have is vegetables, I have no time so you know, if you've got a story here...
 * Miles: I've got about five or six great starts here. [Pounds his ideas notebook on the table with a fist] I've got one idea that I'm especially psyched out of my mind about. You know, it's one of those ideas where you're like, YES! [They all react in surprised excitement]
 * Walter: Uh, great, could we hear it?
 * Miles: I'll start with the cover. Picture this... you got, uh
 * Buddy: Dad! I'm in love, I'm in love, and I don't care who knows it!
 * Walter: Buddy, not now, uh, can you please go back to the... to the pit? I'll come and visit you in a little while, okay?
 * Buddy: I didn't know you had elves working here.
 * Miles: Oh... boy, you're... you're hilarious, my friend.
 * Walter: He doesn't, uh... get back to the story, please.
 * Miles: All right, okay. So, on the cover above the title...
 * Buddy: Does Santa know that you left the workshop?
 * Miles: You know, we're all laughing our heads off.
 * Buddy: Did you have to borrow a reindeer to get down here?
 * Walter: Buddy... go back to the basement.
 * Miles: Hey, jack weed, I get more action in a week than you've had your entire life. I've got houses in L.A., Paris, and Vail, each one of them with a 70-inch plasma screen. So, I suggest you wipe that stupid smile off your face before I come over there and smack it off! You feeling strong, my friend?! Call me elf one more time!
 * Buddy: [Whispers] He's an angry elf.
 * [Miles Finch then leaps up onto the meeting table and starts running towards Buddy growling]
 * Buddy: Look at you. [Miles then does an airborne kick into Buddy's chest] Ow! Hey, what... Aah! I wasn't ready for that. [Miles twists his arm] Aah! Hey, hey, hey!
 * Miles: Say it again!
 * Buddy: Elf. [Miles rams his head into the counter]
 * Miles: Say it again!
 * Buddy: Elf! [Miles rams his head into the counter once more, then body-slams Buddy onto the table with Eugene wincing] Hey, hey, hey! Whoa! [Miles gets Buddy into a headlock]
 * Morris: Ooh...
 * Miles: [Buddy grabs his arm with his teeth] AAAAHHH!!! HE BIT ME!! Call me elf one more time! Call me elf!
 * Buddy: You're an elf. [Miles then flips Buddy off the table and into chairs]
 * Walter: Miles, I'm sorry, he thinks he's an elf. [Miles gets his jacket and points furiously to Walter]
 * Miles: NOBODY BITES Miles Finch! [then he leaves the boardroom, then cuts to Buddy getting back up]
 * Buddy: He must be a South Pole elf.
 * Walter: [Lividly] You get the hell outta here.
 * Buddy: [Confused] Where do you want me to go?!
 * Walter: [Furiously] I don't care where you go. [As his voice starts getting louder and louder and his tone extremely livid] I don't care that you're an elf! I don't care that you're NUTS! I DON’T CARE THAT YOU’RE MY SON!! GET OUT OF MY LIFE!!! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!''
 * [Heartbroken, Buddy runs out of the office while others stare at Walter in fazement]


 * [Walter listens to answering message from Emily]
 * Emily: Hi, it's me. I really can't talk right now. Well, just tell me how the pitch went. Walter: I'm gonna be a little later than I thought, okay? Emily: Well, don't be too late, Walter, It's Christmas Eve. Walter... wait, um. Honey, I gotta go, okay? Love ya. Oh, say hi to buddy.
 * Morris: What? Walter, breakthrough. We found this in the conference room.
 * Walter: What is it?
 * Morris: It's Miles Finch's notebook. This thing is chock full of genius ideas. I mean, look at that. And his best idea is about a peach that lives on a farm. What's more vulnerable than a peach?
 * Walter: What, uh, what do we do?
 * Morris: I think we should go with the first pitch... it's genius.
 * Walter: Uh, how much time we got?
 * Morris: We got, like, 45 minutes.
 * Walter: Well, come on, let's, uh, try to get a storyboard or something ready. Come on, let's do it. Just try.
 * Walter: No, you can't sit down and get a storyboard ready.
 * Walter: Go and get a storyboard ready.
 * Morris: Oh, boy! Go.
 * [Walter reading a note from Buddy]


 * Buddy: I'm sorry I ruined your lives and crammed 11 cookies into the vcr. I don't belong here. I don't belong anywhere. I'll never forget you. Love, buddy.


 * Greenway: As you know, we need a big launch, fast, to get the company back on track. So I think I speak for my fellow board members when I say, this better be good.
 * Walter: Before I get into the story, let me start with the cover, okay? Now, just picture this...
 * Michael: Dad! I gotta talk to you.
 * Walter: Michael, what is it?
 * Michael: Buddy ran away.
 * Walter: What?
 * Michael: He left a note. I'm scared, Dad. He's gone.
 * Walter: Let me just finish this meeting and then we'll figure it out, okay?
 * Michael: [Concernedly] Figure out what? Buddy cares about everybody. All you care about is yourself.
 * Walter: Hey, Michael. Wait. We're gonna have to reschedule this, Mr. Greenway.
 * Greenway: We don't have time to reschedule. I wanna hear the damn thing now. Son, you'll have to wait.
 * Walter: No, don't tell my kid what to do. Can't we do this another time, Mr. Greenway?
 * Greenway: I flew in just to hear this pitch and I intend to.
 * Walter: It's gonna have to wait.
 * Greenway: If you wanna keep your job, Hobbs, you will pitch me this book right now.
 * Walter: Well, up yours.
 * Michael: Yeah, up yours.
 * Walter: Hey.
 * Greenway: [Angered] Hobbs. Hobbs! HOBBS!! YOU WALK OUT OF HERE, A-AND-AND YOU’RE FINISHED THE GREENWAY! YOU’RE FINISHED!!!!!!

<hr width="50%">
 * Buddy: Hey! You found it.
 * Michael: Buddy!
 * Buddy: I need to tell you something.
 * Walter: No, no Buddy, there's something I have to tell you right now. Um, I didn't mean anything I said back there, not one word. I know you be a little, um, um… Uh, chemically imbalanced, But you've been right about a lot of things. I… I don't want you to leave. You're my son, and I… love you.

<hr width="50%">
 * Buddy: Santa, why are they chasing us?
 * Santa: I put them on the naughty list and they never forgave me.

<hr width="50%">
 * Papa Elf:And so, with a little help, Buddy managed to save Christmas. And his spirit saved a lot of other people, too. Should old acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind should old acquaintances be forgot. Walter started his own independent publishing company. His first book was written by a brand new, critically acclaimed children's author. The book was elf... a, uh, fictional story about an adopted elf named Buddy who was raised in the North Pole? Went to New York, ate spaghetti, worked in a shiny mailroom, and eventually saved Christmas.
 * [Buddy reading to children]
 * Buddy: "First, I traveled through the seven levels of the candy cane forest, past the sea of twirly-swirly gumdrops, and then, I walked through the Lincoln tunnel..."
 * Papa Elf:And as for me, I can't complain. Buddy comes up to visit from time to time. In the meadow we can build a snowman, and pretend that he is Parson Brown. Oh, thank you, Jovie. That's very sweet of you.
 * Jovie: You're welcome, Papa. But you can do the job when you're in town.
 * Papa Elf: Hey, Suzie. Come here, little one. When it snows, ain't it thrilling? Papa wants to see you.
 * Ending credits lyrics: Though your nose get a little chilling Buddy... We'll frolic and play buddy... buddy... the Eskimo way, walking in a winter wonderland, in the meadow we can build a snowman, and pretend that he is Parson Brown. He'll say, are you married, we'll say no, man. But you can do the job when you in town, brother. Later on, we'll conspire, as we dream by the fire to face unafraid the plans That we made (walking in a winter wonderland x2) I really can't stay. But, baby, it's cold outside, I've got to go 'way, but, baby, it's cold outside. This evening has been been hoping that you'd drop in, so very nice. I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice. My mother will start to worry beautiful, what's your hurry? And father will be pacing the floor. Listen to that fireplace roar, so, really, I'd better scurry. Beautiful, please don't hurry. Well, maybe just a half a drink more. Put some records on while I pour. The neighbors might think. Baby, it's bad out there. Say, what's in this drink? No cabs to be had out there. I wish I knew how your eyes are like starlight now. To break the spell. I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell. I ought to say no, no, no, sir. Mind if I move in closer? At least I'm gonna say that I tried. What's the sense of hurting my pride? I really can't stay, baby, don't hold out. Ah, but it's cold outside. I simply must go, but, baby, it's cold outside. The answer is no, but, baby, it's cold outside. This welcome has been, I'm lucky that you dropped in, so nice and warm. Look out the window at that storm, my sister will be suspicious. Gosh, your lips look delicious, my brother will be there at the door. Waves upon tropical shore, my maiden aunt's mind is vicious. Oh, your lips look delicious. Well, maybe just a cigarette more. Never such a pleasure before. I've got to get home, but, baby, you'll freeze out there. Say, lend me your comb, it's up to your knees out there. You've really been grand. I thrill when you touch my hand, but don't you see. How can you do this thing to me? There's bound to be talk tomorrow. Think of my lifelong sorrow. At least there will be plenty implied. If you caught pneumonia and died. I really can't stay. Get rid of that hold out. Ah, but it's cold outside
 * Ending credits lyrics: Though your nose get a little chilling Buddy... We'll frolic and play buddy... buddy... the Eskimo way, walking in a winter wonderland, in the meadow we can build a snowman, and pretend that he is Parson Brown. He'll say, are you married, we'll say no, man. But you can do the job when you in town, brother. Later on, we'll conspire, as we dream by the fire to face unafraid the plans That we made (walking in a winter wonderland x2) I really can't stay. But, baby, it's cold outside, I've got to go 'way, but, baby, it's cold outside. This evening has been been hoping that you'd drop in, so very nice. I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice. My mother will start to worry beautiful, what's your hurry? And father will be pacing the floor. Listen to that fireplace roar, so, really, I'd better scurry. Beautiful, please don't hurry. Well, maybe just a half a drink more. Put some records on while I pour. The neighbors might think. Baby, it's bad out there. Say, what's in this drink? No cabs to be had out there. I wish I knew how your eyes are like starlight now. To break the spell. I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell. I ought to say no, no, no, sir. Mind if I move in closer? At least I'm gonna say that I tried. What's the sense of hurting my pride? I really can't stay, baby, don't hold out. Ah, but it's cold outside. I simply must go, but, baby, it's cold outside. The answer is no, but, baby, it's cold outside. This welcome has been, I'm lucky that you dropped in, so nice and warm. Look out the window at that storm, my sister will be suspicious. Gosh, your lips look delicious, my brother will be there at the door. Waves upon tropical shore, my maiden aunt's mind is vicious. Oh, your lips look delicious. Well, maybe just a cigarette more. Never such a pleasure before. I've got to get home, but, baby, you'll freeze out there. Say, lend me your comb, it's up to your knees out there. You've really been grand. I thrill when you touch my hand, but don't you see. How can you do this thing to me? There's bound to be talk tomorrow. Think of my lifelong sorrow. At least there will be plenty implied. If you caught pneumonia and died. I really can't stay. Get rid of that hold out. Ah, but it's cold outside

Cast

 * Will Ferrell - Buddy
 * James Caan - Walter
 * Zooey Deschanel - Jovie
 * Mary Steenburgen - Emily
 * Daniel Tay - Michael
 * Edward Asner - Santa Claus
 * Bob Newhart - Papa Elf
 * Faizon Love - Gimbel's Manager