Everybody Loves Raymond (season 1)


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Everybody Loves Raymond (1996 – 2005) was a long-running CBS sitcom about a successful sports writer Ray Barone, whose oddball family life consists of a fed up wife, overbearing parents (who live across the street), and an older brother with lifelong jealousy of Ray.

Pilot [1.01]

 * Ray: Okay, alright, I'm gonna ask you quickly and quietly to move to your nearest exit.


 * Debra: How did he ever become a police sergeant?
 * Ray: Cause he's a good cop, and they didn't make him count. Or eat.


 * Ray: Listen, Ma, I want to talk about Debra's birthday...
 * Marie: My god, talk about birthdays. Your birthday gift to me finally came this morning. Did you know they sent me a box of pears?
 * Ray: Yeah.
 * Marie: From a place called "Fruit Of The Month"?
 * Ray: That's right, how are they?
 * Marie: They're very nice pears. But, there are so many of them. There are over a dozen pears. What am I supposed to do with all those pears?
 * Ray: I think you're supposed to eat them.
 * Marie: Myself?
 * Ray: You and Dad and Robert.
 * Marie: How many pears can Robert eat? I appreciate the thought, but please, don't ever send us any more fruit again. Thanks.
 * Ray: Another box is coming next month.
 * Marie: What??!! More pears??!!
 * Ray: No, it's a different fruit every month.
 * Marie: Every month??!!
 * Ray: Yes, that's why it's called "Fruit Of The Month" Club.
 * Marie: It's a club??!! Oh, my god! What do I do with all this fruit?
 * Ray: Most people like it, Ma, they share it with their friends.
 * Marie: Which friends?
 * Ray: I don't know. Lee and Stan?
 * Marie: Lee and Stan buy their own fruit. Why did you do this to me? I can't talk, there's too much fruit in the house.
 * [Frank walks in.]
 * Marie: [to Frank] Do you know the fruit keeps coming, month after month? [pointing at Ray] He's got us in some kind of a cult.
 * Ray: It's not a cult, it's a club.
 * Frank: What do you mean, month after month? For how long?
 * Ray: A year.
 * Frank: My god, are you out of your mind? What do you think we are? Invalids? We can't go out and get our own fruit?
 * Marie: I tried to tell him.
 * Ray: Alright, I'll cancel the Fruit Club.


 * Frank: Marie--
 * Marie: I can't talk! There's too much fruit in the house!


 * Ray: Let's see, when I proposed you were 23. You said no.
 * Debra: Right.
 * Ray: Then I proposed; you were 24
 * Ray & Debra: No again.
 * Ray: Right, then I took a year off to regroup then I came back with a job; BOOM, married. That would make you 32ish.


 * Robert: When did he get this?
 * Marie: Oh, that's an award your brother got for his sports-column.
 * Robert: Never ends for Raymond...
 * Marie: Oh, poor Robbie.
 * Robert: Everybody loves Raymond. I go to work people shoot at me, Ray goes to work and people do the wave. Then he sits down, has a hotdog, doodles on a piece of paper and they give him a trophy.


 * Marie: I've got baking soda! I smelled something questionable in the fridge.
 * Ray: From across the street?
 * Marie: No, when I was here yesterday. Oh, It's worse!


 * Ray: Time to leave, Dad. Buckle up... What're you doing?
 * Frank: [sniffing the twins' heads] I'm sucking the youth!
 * [Later]
 * Debra: The twins' heads smell like Old Spice. Your dad was here. Sucking the youth.


 * Ray: Why don't you go out with Linda tomorrow?
 * Debra: And leave the kids with your parents?
 * Ray: No, I'll do the kids.
 * Debra: Pffff...
 * Ray: I can do it. What about the time when you went to your aunt's for three days?
 * Debra: I took the kids with me!
 * Ray: Yeah, but I fed myself.


 * Marie: But where is Debra?
 * Ray: She went to the movies with Linda.
 * Marie: The movies? Some people get to live it up.


 * Ray: Hey, look at this, Cal Ripken signed my hat!
 * Debra: Oh that's great, look at this, Gregory spit up on my shirt.
 * Ray: I'm not trading.

I Love You [1.02]

 * Ray: Are you ok?
 * Debra: I'm fine.
 * Ray: Uh oh, fine is bad. What is it? What's the matter?
 * Debra: Nothing.
 * Ray: Nothing...nothing is worse!


 * Debra: I love you
 * Ray: ...And I you
 * [Debra walks off]
 * Ray: Debra! DEBRA!
 * Ally: STELLA!


 * Frank: [to Marie and Robert] This love stuff....we never mention it again.


 * Ray: Oh, now I don't love you?
 * Debra: You don't say it.
 * Ray: I do.
 * Debra: No, you don't.
 * Ray: I do!
 * Debra: When do you say it?
 * Ray: WITH MY EYES!


 * Ray: Listen dad, when was the last time you said I love you to someone?
 * Frank: What? Do you live in a freaking fairyland?


 * Marie: When we first got married, I said "I love you" all the time.
 * Frank: When? When did you say it?
 * Marie: I said it all the time!


 * Ray: Were you in my office, mom?
 * Marie: Yeah I was trying to get a pen to do the crossword puzzles. You know, your desk drawer is locked.
 * Debra and Ray: Yeah, we lock it now. It keeps the kids out.
 * Marie: Oh, that's a good idea! I broke a knife in it.

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 * Robert: You know that shampoo that says "no more tears" on the bottle? There's tears.

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 * Waitress: Extra sauce!
 * Bernie: She's the saucy one.
 * Waitress: And the assorted fried cheeses plate.
 * Ray: He's the fat one!

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 * Ray: Hey, that's tongue. I thought you were a vegetarian.

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 * Ray: [on the phone] Yea, I miss you too. Okay, yea, I'll see you tomorrow. And honey, I love you. Good, well, get used to it because I'm gonna say it all the time. Okay. Now give the phone to mommy.

I Wish I Were Gus [1.03]

 * Frank: Ray, I've got some news. I don't know the best way to break this... Your great-uncle Gus, dead!
 * Ray: Oh, no I liked him.
 * Robert: Yeah me too... Hey nuts!(referring to a bowl of nuts on the table)

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 * Frank: He wants you to deliver his eulogy
 * Ray: Why? I hardly knew the guy.
 * Frank: It was his dying wish.
 * Robert: Even dead people love Raymond.

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 * Alda: What's your problem Marie? I can't even say a word without you topping me.
 * Marie: I can't help it, you're easily topped!

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 * Marie: You never even sent a gift.
 * Alda: My gift was that I came at all.
 * Marie: What kind of a horse's ass gift is that?
 * Alda: You'd be lucky to have a horse's ass!

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 * [Ally drew a mustache on Jeffrey]
 * Frank: Can Hitler have a juice-box?

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 * Debra: Hey, do you know what I think is really sexy?
 * Ray: What?
 * Debra: A man who does the dishes.
 * Ray: No, does nothing for me... Do you know what does it for me? A woman who does the dishes... with another woman!

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 * Ray: Some funeral, huh?
 * Debra: Yeah.
 * Ray: Wanna do it?

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 * Ray: Hi, I'm Ray. I'm here to talk about... Gus Barone.
 * Robert: Haaaaarrrr!!!
 * Ray: Thank you.

Standard Deviation [1.04]

 * Ray: You know I read somewhere where the happiest marriages are the ones where the man is smarter.
 * Debra: Oh, guess who wrote that...

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 * [Ray puts away tax papers and sits next to Debra]
 * Debra: You promised you'd get this done!
 * Ray: That's not the point. The point is that... I will rub your feet!
 * Debra: You gotta, you gotta get this done.
 * [Ray pulls off Debra's socks and starts rubbing her bare feet]
 * Ray: Don't worry, in fact the whole idea of rubbing feet makes me sick.
 * Debra: Just shut up and rub.
 * [Ray continues to massage her feet, but starts tickling them as well]
 * Debra: That's not rubbing, that's tickling!
 * [Robert walks in]
 * Robert: Glad to see you're not busy.
 * [Ray is still caressing Debra's bare feet]
 * Ray: What makes you think we're not busy, Rob?

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 * Debra: There's more than one kind of intelligence Ray.
 * Frank: That's right. There's STREET SMARTS!

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 * [Debra smashes a bowl of ice cream into Ray's lap]
 * Ray: Mmm, fudgey.

Look Don't Touch [1.05]

 * [Andy is staring at Angelina, the attractive waitress.]
 * Andy: So, Angelina, how are you?
 * Angelina: Did you want something?
 * Andy: No, thanks. I just thought we could talk.

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 * Bernie: [Angelina walks away] Ahh, did you smell her?
 * Ray: No, I read the sign Bernie, "Thank You for not smelling the help."

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 * Bernie: Oh, man look at her. If I wasn't married, do you know what I'd do?
 * Ray: You'd wear the same underwear every day.

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 * Frank: Hello, ladies!
 * Ray: What are you doing here?
 * Frank: Hehehe, I came to check out the new waitress.
 * Ray: Oh god.
 * Angelina: Hello, will you be staying for lunch?
 * Frank: Holy Crap! Uh....yes, I will, thank you.

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 * [Marie thinks Ray might have an affair with Angelina, the attractive waitress]
 * Debra: Marie, I'm not worried. I trust Ray.
 * Marie: Oh, I'm not worried about Raymond either, dear. I'm worried about that pizza parlor putana!

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 * Ray: [to Angelina] I'm sorry that was rude of me. This is Debra, the little lady. I don't mean little in a size way, or that she doesn't matter. She's my lady. She's my great big lady.

Frank, the Writer [1.06]

 * Robert: Michael threw his milk at me!
 * Frank: Isn't that great? That could be my second story! The digest loves a naughty baby.

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 * Debra: Ray, Robert is still here.
 * Ray: Hey, Robert! What are you doing here?
 * Robert: I had a suspicion I needed to confirm.
 * Debra: Robert, what's wrong?
 * Robert: I don't think Michael loves me anymore.
 * Debra: What are you talking about?
 * Robert: He's not like Geoffrey, he seems standoffish.
 * Ray: You do know Michael is a baby, right?
 * Robert: Just a feeling. Cop's instinct. He wants nothing to do with me.

Your Place or Mine? [1.07]

 * [Ray and Debra are going over their bills.]
 * Debra: According to this, we can afford a car phone.
 * Ray: No. No car phone.
 * Debra: Why? Why do you fight technology?
 * Ray: I'm against technology?
 * Debra: Yeah.
 * Ray: Who introduced you to Wonderbra?

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 * Ray: All three kids asleep. You thought I couldn't get Ally to take a nap.
 * Debra: Good job, honey.
 * Ray: Yeah. By the way, tomorrow we have to buy a pony.

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 * Debra: Would you look at this great big stain here? The carpet guy swore up and down that he could get it out.
 * Ray: I don't want to hear about stains. The kids are asleep, the house is quiet. Now it's quality time. Just me and you.
 * [Ray starts reading the newspaper.]
 * Debra: You better be looking at jewelry ads.

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 * [Marie barges into the house.]
 * Marie: Your father has finally done it.
 * Ray: What's that, learned to buckle his pants?

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 * Frank: I've got the complete works of Arnold Schwarzenegger, except the one where he gets pregnant.

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 * Debra: Where's Frank?
 * Ray: By now he's probably taping the toilet seat so he never has to flush.

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 * Debra: Ray! She's in there chiseling my head stone!

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 * Debra: [To Ray, about Marie] Anything she cooks for me you're tasting first.

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 * Ray: You hear that?
 * Debra: No, I don't hear anything.
 * Ray: That’s the sound of all our clothes being refolded.

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 * Frank: It's the celery that makes "tuna salad" tuna salad. What you gave me was tuna slop!

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 * Frank: I can be sweet....it takes people time to discover that.

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 * Debra: Robert, just do what I do; tell him you're tired and he'll climb off.

In-Laws [1.08]

 * Lois: So, how are things going with you, Robert?
 * Robert: Well, you know, one day you're rescuing a puppy, the next you're fishing a skull out of a toilet.

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 * Ray: These people shouldn't be at the same table together. They shouldn't be in the same state!

Win, Lose or Draw [1.09]

 * Debra: You lost $2300 to your father?!?!
 * Ray: Relax, alright? We're gonna get the money back.
 * Debra: How?
 * Ray: When he dies.

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 * [Robert interrogates Ray and Frank for illegally gambling]
 * Ray: What the hell are you doing?
 * Robert: "Good Cop/Bad Cop". It's just taking a little longer because there's only one of me.

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 * Marie: You're giving him back that money!
 * Frank: Like hell, I am! I want to teach him a lesson. You up the stakes, you lose a lot. Play with fire, you're going to get burned.
 * [Waves check in front of Raymond]
 * Frank: AND ALWAYS, THANK YOU, COME AGAIN!

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 * Frank: You're not talking to me?
 * Marie: Nope.
 * Frank: [smiling] I just keep winning.

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 * Marie: This is for you.
 * Debra: Ahh. But I thought Frank said...
 * Marie: No, he doesn't know anything about that. This is my money.
 * Debra: You have money?
 * Marie: Oh... My father, oh, such a wise man. On my wedding day, he took me aside, gave me $200, and said, "Here". This is if you come to your senses and leave Frank.
 * Debra: Wow. My dad only gave me fifty.

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 * Ray: For the last time I'm not taking the money. I lost it, that's all. I'm a big boy alright? If I take the money what kind of message does that send to my kids? That no matter what happened you can go to your father and he'll make everything ok?
 * Frank: You're right. You're right.
 * Ray: What, what am I right about?
 * Frank: You should be able to go to your father, and he should be able to make it ok. [Gives Ray his money back]

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 * Frank: So Ray, you feel like a winner?
 * Ray: Not really.

Turkey or Fish [1.10]

 * Ally: My teacher says they had fish at the first Thanksgiving.
 * Ray: Yeah, well, people were stupid then, sweetie!

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 * Debra: Look, Ray, we want to start our own tradition, and Ally wants it to be like the first Thanksgiving.
 * Ray: Well, why don't we have some smallpox then, too?

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 * Ray: You want me to convince my parents to come here, and my sales pitch is, "mmm, mmm, fish!"

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 * Ray: I got the last of the baking powder. I had to fight two old ladies to get it.
 * Debra: What did you do?
 * Ray: Nothing I'm proud of.

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 * Ray: Debra, calm down. You're reacting to missing squash like the time we left Ally at the mall!

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 * Debra: I can't compete with your mother's turkey Ray, the woman has giblets in her blood!

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 * Ray: My mom is such a great cook. Thanksgiving, that's kinda what makes my mom...worth it.

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 * Frank: [Looking at the TV] What the hell is this crap?
 * Warren: That's soccer. Frank, only in America is football the game that you're familiar with. In many countries, when people refer to football, they actually mean soccer!
 * Frank: In many countries people eat cats.

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 * Uncle Mel: My god! That fish smell is like a....a punch in the face.

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 * Marie: Where do you want me to put this turkey?
 * Debra: I'll tell you where you can put it...

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 * Debra's Mother: You want some yams?
 * Uncle Mel: No, I hate yams.
 * Ally: [dressed up as a yam] You hate yams?
 * Debra: Aw, honey, he doesn't hate ALL yams.
 * Uncle Mel: Yes, I do, I hate them, they're very binding!

Captain Nemo [1.11]

 * Ally: Mommy, that man over there is smoking!
 * Dave: Narc!

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 * Ally: Good morning, Mommy.
 * Debra: Hi, honey. Where's Daddy?
 * Ally: In the shower singing. He's terrible!

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 * Debra: You know I gave up some stuff when we had kids.
 * Ray: I know...did it have to be sex?

The Ball [1.12]

 * Marie: Why do you insist on making this car wreck our Christmas tree every year? I want a real tree.
 * Frank: An artificial tree saves water, saves the forest, and saves the planet. I'm a conservationist.
 * Marie: You're cheap.
 * Frank: Alright, I'm saving money.

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 * Debra: Mommy is just wrestling daddy.

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 * Ray: Wait, Mickey Mantle didn't sign this ball? It isn't real?
 * Frank: It's a real ball.

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 * Marie: What's the matter?
 * Ray: Nothing, nothing's the matter.
 * Debra: Oh nothing at all, except Ray was just about to tell Ally the truth about Santa Claus.
 * Marie: You what?!?!
 * Ray: NO, I didn't tell her.
 * Marie: My own son, an atheist?!?!

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 * [Robert enters dressed as Santa Claus]
 * Robert: Merry Christmas! Is Ally here? I understand there are doubts about me in this house! [to Ray] Ho, Ho, Ma told me what you did... nice.
 * Ray: There are now. Come on, Robert--
 * Robert: No, you have me mistaken for some other party for I am jolly old Saint Nick.
 * [Ally walks in]
 * Debra: Look, Ally, it's Santa Claus.
 * Ally: Santa?
 * Robert: Yes, it is really I, and I came to see you Ally because I heard you were a very good girl this year and you're going to get everything you want. [to Ray] Unlike some other people. [in disgust] Ho ho ho ho ho.
 * Ray: Hold the ho's, I want to talk to you for a minute.
 * Robert: I'm sorry, I'm with a client. And you may call me Mr. Claus.
 * [Frank enters, dressed as Santa]
 * Frank: Where's Ally?
 * [Frank notices Robert]
 * Frank: Ho-ho-holy crap. What are you doing here?
 * Robert: I'm Santa Claus.
 * Frank: You're Santa?
 * Ray: Okay, will you guys cut it out already. She's confused enough as it is.
 * Frank: What's there to be confused about? I'm the real Santa! Who is this impostor?
 * Debra: Well, you couldn't both be Santa. You must be Santa's helpers.
 * Frank: Right! He's my helper. Helper, why don't you warm up the reindeer and bring the sled around?
 * Robert: I bet you can't even name the reindeer.
 * Frank: Rudolph! Donner, Blitzen... those are the main ones. We rotate them so they wear evenly. Cupid! Ajax! And... Lefty!
 * Robert: Now we know the truth.
 * [Ally pulls off Robert's Santa beard]
 * Ally: It's Uncle Robert!
 * Robert: [in Santa voice] No, no. I have merely assumed the body of a life form suitable to you.
 * Ray: Robert, you're Santa, not a Klingon.

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 * Frank: You mean that even though you know that ball's a fake it still means something to you?
 * Ray: Yeah, yeah dad.
 * Frank: Then this Christmas you're gonna love the Rolex I got you.

The Game [1.17]

 * Marie: Oooh, all of a sudden you have scruples.
 * Frank: I have scruples Marie. I've got scruples the size of basketballs.

Neighbors [1.20]

 * (Frank is showing off the birdhouse he built when he sees the video playing on the TV. He doesn't realize it's a video one of the neighbors shot of him on the porch naked)
 * Frank: (chuckling salaciously) Hey, whoops...Porno party!
 * Raymond: (grabbing the birdhouse and trying to distract Frank) Show me where this goes, put it up in the tree--
 * Frank: (amused) Who's the fat-ass? (Marie knows)
 * Marie: (mortified) Frank!
 * Frank: (equally mortified) Holy crap...

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 * Priest: ...There was a man on our church council a few years ago. A decent enough fellow but a little abrasive. Oblivious to anyone else's feelings. I used to fantasize about him converting to Judaism. I wanted to get him out of my hair. One day I said Frank...
 * Ray: Wait, the man's name was Frank?
 * Priest: That's not important. What's important is...
 * Ray: Frank Barone?
 * Priest: You know Frank Barone?!
 * Ray: He's my father!
 * Priest: Your parents are Frank and Marie Barone?!
 * Ray: Yes!!!
 * Priest: You're absolved.
 * Ray: What?
 * Priest: Our Lord forgives your thoughts.
 * Ray: Really?
 * Priest: Well, I could look it up but I'm almost positive.

Why Are We Here? [1.22]

 * Ray: So God made us smart enough to know there's an answer, but not smart enough to figure it out?
 * Robert: (frustrated) "COME ON!!!"
 * Frank: You want to know the meaning of life? You're born, you go to school, you go to work, you die. Canole....Marie