Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex* (*But Were Afraid to Ask) (film)

Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex* (*But Were Afraid to Ask) is a 1972 film consisting of a series of short sequences loosely inspired by Dr. David Reuben's book of the same name.
 * Directed and written by Woody Allen.

You haven't seen anything until you've seen everything. taglines

The Fool

 * Before you know it, the Renaissance will be here and we'll all be painting.
 * With most grievous dispatch I shall open the latch to get at her snatch!
 * [the King has caught the Fool hiding in the Queen's dress] Hi Milord! Remember when you said if I was ever in town, I should look up your wife?

The Operator

 * Can we please have an erection? What the hell is going on down there?

Victor Shakapopulis

 * I don't know if you've read my book, "Advanced Sexual Positions: How to Achieve Them Without Laughing."
 * When it comes to sex, there are some mysteries that should remain unexplored. And with my luck, they always will be.

Others

 * Gina: [in Italian] Fabrizio, my darling, go easy on my hymen.
 * Sperm #1: I'm not getting shot out of that thing. What if he's masturbating? I'm liable to end up on the ceiling.
 * Divorce Court Judge: The defendant did commit an adulterous act with a sheep - most distasteful in view of the fact that the sheep was under 18 years old.
 * The Queen: Didst I feel aright or didst I feel that thy two hands did upon my royal body cop a feel?

Dialogue

 * Friend: [in Italian] You got to play with her before you lay her.
 * Fabrizio: [in Italian] For how long?
 * Friend: [in Italian] Fifteen minutes. Half hour. Depends on the woman.
 * Fabrizio: [in Italian] How long with your wife?
 * Friend: [in Italian] Thirty seconds.
 * Fabrizio: [in Italian, in awe] Lucky!


 * The Queen: Kiss me quick!
 * The Fool: Yes!... where is your quick?


 * The Queen: Ah, 'tis the chastity belt that the jealous King hath fastened upon me that no one but he shalst have the goods of the body.
 * The Fool: Yeah, it's a pretty bad break for all of us at the Palace.


 * Victor Shakapopulis: Doctor, I read a statement you made that, uh, you felt that the average length of a man's penis should be nineteen inches. Doesn't that seem a little long?
 * Dr. Bernardo: Long? My friend, I'm making discoveries you wouldn't dream of.
 * Victor Shakapopulis: Yes I know, but nineteen inches. I mean that's-...
 * Dr. Bernardo: Does it sound mad? That's what they called me at Masters of Johnsons Clinic, mad. Because I had visions of explorations in sexual areas undreamed of by lesser human beings. It was I who first discovered how to make a man impotent by hiding his hat. I was the first one to explain the connection between excessive masturbation and entering politics. It was I who first said that the clitoral orgasm should not be only for women! They ridiculed me, said I was mad, haha! But I showed them. They threw me out of Masters of Johnson, no severance but, and I had it coming. But I showed them!
 * Victor Shakapopulis: Are we having dessert?


 * Dr. Bernardo: Here I'm studying premature ejaculation in a hippopotamus.
 * Victor Shakapopulis: How often does that problem come up with a hippo?
 * Dr. Bernardo: Here I'm forcing a man to have intercourse with a large rye bread. They're getting on famously! Here I'm going to take the brain of a lesbian and put it into the body of a man who works for the telephone company.
 * Victor Shakapopulis: But why? What good will this do anybody?
 * Dr. Bernardo: It'll show those fools who called me mad!


 * Helen Lacey: Oh, Victor, please don't do anything dangerous!
 * Victor Shakapopulis: Don't worry. I know how to handle tits.


 * The Girl: For me, Norman Mailer has exactly that same sort of relevance - that affirmative, negative duality that only Proust or Flaubert could achieve.
 * The Operator: I don't know if we're gonna make it or not, doesn't look too good.
 * The Girl: I'm a graduate of New York University.
 * The Operator: We're gonna make it.

Taglines

 * You haven't seen anything until you've seen everything
 * If you want to know how this man made a movie out of this book... "Everything you always wanted to know about sex* - *But Were Afraid to Ask" you'll have to see the movie!

Cast

 * Woody Allen - Victor Shakapopulis / Fabrizio / The Fool / Sperm
 * Jack Barry - Himself
 * John Carradine - Dr. Bernardo
 * Erin Fleming - The Girl
 * Elaine Giftos - Mrs. Ross
 * Lou Jacobi - Sam Musgrave
 * Louise Lasser - Gina
 * Robert Q. Lewis - Himself
 * Heather MacRae - Helen Lacey
 * Pamela Mason - Herself
 * Sidney Miller - George
 * Regis Philbin - Himself
 * Anthony Quayle - The King
 * Tony Randall - The Operator
 * Lynn Redgrave - The Queen
 * Burt Reynolds - Switchboard
 * Ref Sanchez - Igor
 * Gene Wilder - Dr. Ross