Family Guy/Season 1

Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was canceled in 2002, but after a positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.


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Death Has a Shadow

 * Stewie: Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.
 * Lois: Oh, don't pout, honey. You know, when you were born, the doctor said you were the happiest-looking baby he had ever seen.
 * Stewie: But, of course! That was my victory day! The fruition of my deeply-laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian Bastille. Return the device, woman!


 * Peter: Come on, you're worryin' about nothin'.
 * Lois: Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the communion wine at church?
 * [cutaway to a priest giving a sermon at church]
 * Priest: And so the Lord God smote poor Job with festering boils all over his body...
 * God: [sitting in one of the pews] Aw, man, I hate it when he tells this story.
 * Priest:...yet, miraculously, Job was still able to maintain his dignity.
 * Peter: [He is seen drinking lots of communion wine, he coughs] Woah, is that really the blood of Christ?
 * Priest: Yes.
 * Peter: Man, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day, eh?
 * [cut back to the kitchen]
 * Lois: And then there was that time at the ice cream store...
 * [cutaway to the family at an ice cream store]
 * Peter: Aw, butter rum's my favorite! [licks and passes out immediately]
 * [cut back to the kitchen]
 * Brian: And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia?
 * [cutaway to a movie theater. Everyone is sobbing, except for Peter who stares blankly, then claps his hands]
 * Peter: I got it. That's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks! That's it, aw, funny guy, Tom Hanks! Everything he says is a stitch!
 * Hanks: [on screen] I have AIDS.
 * [Peter laughing]

I Never Met the Dead Man

 * Stewie: [playing with his Sesame Street phone] Put me through to the Pentagon!
 * Phone: Do you know what sound a cow makes?
 * Stewie: Don't toy with me, Ernie! I've already dispatched with Mr. Hooper, I've got six armed men stationed outside Big Bird's nest, and as for Linda... well it's rather difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assassin approach, now, isn't it?
 * Phone: Can you count to three?
 * Stewie: Ho-ho, indeed I can! [pulls out a laser gun and shoots the phone with each number] ONE! TWO! THREE! Can I count to three? For God's sake, I'm already shooting at a fifth-grade level.


 * [Lois tries to feed Stewie his broccoli]
 * Stewie: Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright Brothers!
 * Lois: My, aren't we fussy tonight? OK. No broccoli.
 * Stewie: Very well then. I--[Lois shoves the broccoli into his mouth. Stewie spits it out.] Who the hell do you think you are?
 * Lois: Honey, it's not gonna go away just because you don't like it.
 * Stewie: Well then, my goal becomes clear: The broccoli must die.


 * Road Runner: Meep, meep!
 * [Peter runs over the Road Runner with his car]
 * Peter: Aw geez, did I just hit that ostrich!?
 * Wile E. Coyote: No.
 * Peter: Are you sure?
 * Wile E. Coyote: Yeah, he's fine. Keep going.

Chitty Chitty Death Bang

 * [in Lois' womb]
 * Stewie: [in his diary] Day 171. I've sprouted another finger. Counting the one from yesterday, [looks at his penis], I'm up to 11.


 * Peter: [after losing his Cheesy Charlie's reservation] Chris, this is a big day for you. Today you become the man of the house because when we get home, your mother is going to kill me.

Mind Over Murder

 * Soccer Mom: That's the tenth time today! Nice grab, orca! Hey, get Moby Dick off the field before he burps up a license plate!
 * Peter: Hey, hey, hey, easy, fella, that's my kid! Now apologize.
 * Soccer Mom: Okay, I'm sorry your kid's a brain dead, stinkin' blue cheese [As he knocks the can of beer out of Peter's hand] fat ass!
 * Peter: Alright, that's it! [He punches Soccer Dad and everyone gasps]
 * Chris: Way to go, Dad!
 * Boy: Hey, you hit my mom!
 * Peter: No, I hit your dad.
 * Man: Whoa! Stand back! Give her some air!
 * Peter: You mean, give "him" some air.
 * Woman: Call an ambulance! She's going into labor!
 * Peter: You...you mean, "he's" going into labor... [sound of baby wailing] Whoops.


 * Stewie: Shake me! Shake me like a British nanny!

A Hero Sits Next Door

 * Brian: Gee, I would love to help you, Peter, but I gotta go out in the hall and chew on the back of my ass for about five minutes.


 * Meg: So, do you like music?
 * Kevin: Oh, yeah. I played guitar in a band before we moved, but it interfered with my studies. What do you listen to?
 * Meg: Uh, you first.
 * Kevin: I'm into Garbage, Phish, Blur. My parents don't like me listenin' to that stuff, but I do, anyway, BECAUSE I AM NOT A ROBOT! [calmly] I also like Radiohead.

The Son Also Draws

 * [Peter and Chris are ostensibly trying to earn a merit badge for "insect study."]
 * Peter: Look, Chris. It's a whole family of wasps.
 * [The scene cuts to a wealthy family eating dinner]
 * WASP Father: My, Margaret, what a subpar ham.
 * WASP Mother: Perhaps I can't bake a ham, but what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table.
 * WASP Father: [after a slight, shocked pause] Patty, did you know that your mother is a whore?


 * Stewie: Stupid greedy savages.
 * Lois: Stewie, that's a terrible thing to say. This one particular tribe has lost their ways but most Native American are a proud, hard-working people who are a true to their spiritual heritage. They are certainly not savages.
 * Stewie: Well, that's funny, mother. Just this morning you said they were lazy like the dirty Mexicans. [chuckles] Just kidding. The Mexicans are a clean and industrious people with a rich cultural heritage.
 * Meg: Yeah, not like those dumb gargantuan Swedes. Actually, the Swedish people run a gammon from short to tall, and did you know that Sweden gave us brilliant inventor Alfred Nobel?
 * Peter: Yeah. That's more than we got from those free-loading Canadians... Canada sucks!

Brian: Portrait of a Dog

 * [Peter has a flashback of when he was on Jeopardy]
 * Trebek: [reads the clue] For $800, this chemical dye is found in over 95% of all cosmetic products.
 * Peter: [rings in] Diarrhea. [the crowd laughs] What? Oh. Oh. Oh. Sorry. Sorry. What is diarrhea?


 * [after seeing the news about the heat wave]
 * Chris: [about Diane] I think I saw one of her nipples!
 * Lois: Chris, that's a terrible word! [sarcastically] "Nipple". I'll chalk that up to the heat, mister.