Family Guy/Season 17

Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was canceled in 2002, but after a positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.


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Married… with Cancer

 * [Brian chats with Jess]
 * Jess: Tell me about it. He called me a dick earlier. [slides one of her cups to Brian] I'm Jess.
 * Brian: Thanks! I'm Brian. Well Jess, bottoms up!
 * Jess: If you're lucky.
 * Brian: So this place... ah, worse than Syria, don't you think?
 * Jess: Yes! Everything about it is awful: the people, the music... [say it with Brian] if you can call it music.
 * Brian: Oh my God, we were grumpy and bitter at the same time!
 * Jess: [giggles] I like you, Brian! You say what's on your mind.
 * Brian: Hey, life's too short, right?


 * [after Jess choked on her nachos to death]
 * Brian: Oh, my God. Somebody call 911! ["9-1-1" series ad pops up] Damn it, Fox! That's not an invitation to ruin our moment to expand your media empire! ["Empire" ad pops up, sighs] Son of Zorn. [fatal error message shows up] Ha.

Dead Dog Walking

 * Brian: I'm warning you if you kill me, the internet's gonna freak out.


 * Lois: Oh, Meg. You have to babysit Stewie, Saturday.
 * Meg: Nope.
 * Lois: Okay. Chris, you have to do it.
 * Chris: What? That's not fair. I have a party to go to.
 * Lois: Sorry, Meg found pictures on your father's computer and she's blackmailing us. She can do what she wants until we get some dirt on her.
 * Meg': I didn't know it was supposed to be hard before I took the picture.

Pal Stewie

 * [Peter finds that Lois has tricked him into attending a self-empowerment seminar]
 * Peter: You lied to me! You said we were going to Baskin-Robbins!
 * Lois: I said we were going to bask in Robbin's glow.
 * Peter: [accusingly] You know what you did.
 * Lois: I do.


 * Peter: Tony Robbins has helped me become a better person. In fact, today, I’m gonna ask for—nay, DEMAND—a raise.
 * Lois: "Nay"? Wow! This new you is a bigger surprise than when they're making fun of a celebrity on Saturday Night Live, and the real life celebrity walks in behind them.
 * [cutaway to Peter and Lois watching TV in the living room]
 * Lois: Oh-ho-ho, boy, they're really socking it to the celebrity.
 * Peter: [laughing] Yeah, can you imagine how mad the celebrity would be? I mean, wherever they are at this particular moment, if they're watching, they must be…
 * [Peter and Lois gasp in shock]
 * Lois: [laughing excitedly] That's the actual celebrity walking up right behind them!
 * Peter: He… he's catching 'em right in the act! The… the SNL actor doesn’t know! Oh, he's gonna get in trouble! Look how mad the actual celebrity is! He's folding his arms and frowning!
 * Lois: [pats Peter's shoulder] He tapped the SNL actor on the shoulder!! [grabs Peter and shakes him] Look how surprised the SNL actor is!!
 * Peter: [shakes his legs excitedly] AAAHHH, HE'S COMPLETELY BUSTED!!!
 * Lois: [cackles maniacally] HOW IS THIS HAPPENING?!?!?
 * [Peter smashes his beer on the floor, then he and Lois proceed to throw and smash the living room declarations while hollering and hooting before Meg comes downstairs with a flamethrower]
 * Meg I WAS WATCHING UPSTAIRS ON HULU!!! [sets fire to the couch and throws it over]
 * [Brian crashes his Prius through the window, which sends him through the car's windshield onto its hood]
 * Brian: [holds up his phone] I SAW IT ON MY PHONE!!!
 * [Quagmire crashes his plane through the ceiling]
 * Quagmire: MY PLANE HAS WI-FI!!!

Big Trouble in Little Quahog

 * Gilbert Gottfried: DOG WHISTLE! DOG WHISTLE! WHERE ARE YOU, DOG?!


 * Stewie: Wait a minute. This doesn't feel right. What button did you hit?
 * Brian: That one. The tiny button.
 * Stewie: Wait, did you press the tiny button or the button that says "tiny"?
 * Brian: I hit the button that says "tiny". You said, "hit the tiny button".
 * Stewie: Exactly! I didn't say "hit the big button that says 'tiny'"! I said, "hit the tiny button"! The one you pressed is gonna shrink us down to microscopic size!
 * Brian: Well, why would you make the tiny button big?
 * Stewie: I had to make it big enough to write "tiny" on it!

Regarding Carter

 * Lois: You bought Vine and shut it down.
 * Chris: I did what?
 * Lois: You bought Vine and shut it down.
 * Chris: I did what?
 * Lois: You bought Vine and shut it down.
 * Chris: I did what?

Stand by Meg

 * Principal Shepherd: Parents of a failing student, say what?
 * Peter: What?
 * Lois: No, Peter, wait!
 * Principal Shepherd: Nope. Too late. He said it. I'm marking it. [Principal Shepherd goes to a chalkboard, where he gives himself a tally mark] Didn't get The Wus. They're very smart. Asian. Maybe they didn't understand me. I don't know.


 * Chris: I can't believe I have to go to vocational school. Does this mean that I'm a failure?
 * Lois: No, sweetie. It means that we're failures.

The Griffin Winter Games

 * Meg: [telling her family about the Olympic team] I'm a bi...
 * Stewie: Knew it.
 * Meg: ...athlete.
 * Stewie: Didn't know it.

Con Heiress

 * Peter: Now, to start the mower, you grab this pull cord like so, and give it a nice hard yank.
 * [Chris tries pulling the cord, but it doesn't work]
 * Chris: Can I change my grip?
 * [Chris pulls the cord in a way that emulates jacking off and the lawnmower starts]
 * Peter: Wow, much better.
 * Chris: It's a more familiar motion.


 * Brian: There she is, the wealthiest heiress in all of Newport. The holy grail for guys like us.
 * Stewie: Who is she?
 * Brian: That's Margaret Woolworth Carrington von Schumacher Chanel Astor Livingston Compte de Saint-Exupery Mountbatten Windsor Armani Roosevelt Von Trapp Wykenhamp Hearst Montgomery Rothschild Johnson & Johnson Twillsworth Dolce Gabana Von Zweiger II Montgomery de LaRoche Geico Vanderbilt Lannister van Burean Butterworth How I Met Your Mother Wrigley Louise-Dreyfus Ludwig Morgan Stanley Dumont Lamborghini Forbes Higbee Winthrop Chanel Remy Martin Fitzwilliam Kennedy Motel Six Fairchild Brook Pritzker Davenport von Stolen Monty Python Ellisworth Aston Martin Haverbrook Ziff Launder Hilton DuPont Kinkaid Winslow Coors Oviatt Marlborough Pembroke Huffington Bush Mellon Sinclair Mellencamp Starbucks van Dyke III Montgomery Marriott Barrington Chadsworth Big League Chew Chesterfield Kensington Boothbishop Longbottom Nottingham Meisterburger Burgermeister Tudor Hapsburg Rockefeller Onassis.
 * Stewie: [gasps] My God! You mean, the heir to the Woolworth Carrington von Schumacher Chanel Astor Livingston Compte de Saint-Exupery Mountbatten Windsor Armani Roosevelt Von Trap Wykenhamp Hearst Montgomery Rothschild Johnson & Johnson Twillsworth Dolce Gabana Von Zweiger II Montgomery de LaRoche Geico Vanderbilt Lannister van Burean Butterworth How I Met Your Mother Wrigley Louise-Dreyfus Ludwig Morgan Stanley Dumont Lamborghini Forbes Higbee Winthrop Chanel Remy Martin Fitzwilliam Kennedy Motel Six Fairchild Brook Pritzker Davenport von Stolen Monty Python Ellisworth Aston Martin Haverbrook Ziff Launder Hilton DuPont Kinkaid Winslow Coors Oviatt Marlborough Pembroke Huffington Bush Mellon Sinclair Mellencamp Starbucks van Dyke III Montgomery Marriott Barrington Chadsworth Big League Chew Chesterfield Kensington Boothbishop Longbottom Nottingham Meisterburger Burgermeister Tudor Hapsburg Rockefeller Onassis fortune?
 * Brian: Exactly. She goes by "Pip".
 * Stewie: Pip?
 * Brian: Pip.

Pawtucket Pete

 * Bert: Attention, everyone. Do not adjust your TV sets. We are an interracial couple.


 * Bert: Now some of you might find the idea of two bosses, unconventional, but...
 * Shelia: We.
 * Bert: Assure.
 * Shelia: You.
 * Bert: Nothing.
 * Shelia: Will.
 * Bert: Be.
 * Shelia: Different.

Hefty Shades of Gray

 * Joe: Hey, you guys ever check Zillow?
 * Quagmire: Joe, who don't you shut the...
 * [Peter puts his arm on Quagmire's chest]
 * Stewie: Tell me more about this silly word.


 * Cleveland: You might have a g-g-g-g-disembodied spirit in your house!

Trump Guy

 * [see Ivanka Trump for the first time]
 * Meg: Holy girl boner!


 * [Peter and Donald Trump walk through The White House]
 * Peter: Wow, The White House is great. There's no wonder you spend two days a week here.

Bri, Robot

 * Stewie: Post Raisin Bran: like Kellogg's, but worse!


 * Robot Brian: Whoa! Ass ahoy!

Trans-Fat

 * Cleveland: Joe, what are you eating your ice cream out of?
 * Joe: They ran out of those batting helmets, so they're serving it in athletic cups.


 * Meg: I'm using the ladies' room. How bad could it be? [goes into the ladies' room, a girlish scream is heard, and Peter exits] I saw a mouse.

Family Guy Lite

 * Chris: [referring to Stewie's lyric in the Theme Song] I swear, he says the F word.

No Giggity, No Doubt

 * [Quagmire frantically hands Courtney a cotton swab to conduct a DNA test]
 * Quagmire: Here, rub this up and on the inside of your cheek
 * Quagmire and Courtney: Giggity!
 * Quagmire: Ahhh! Stop staying that!

You Can't Handle the Booth!

 * Brian: For you kids out there, DVDs were plastic discs…
 * Stewie: I... I got this, Brian. Have you ever been at your grandmother's house, and you look at her weird old computer and there's like a crack on the side of it? That's DVDs.

Island Adventure

 * Brian: From the moment we arrived, I've either been drunk or ejaculating.
 * Stewie: These are things you don't say to a baby.

Throw It Away

 * Peter: Ugh. I can't believe you dragged me to The Flow. This is gonna suck.
 * Stewie: Oh, knock it off. It's not gonna be that bad. Besides, I couldn't leave you at home. The last time I did that, the kids walked in on you looking at internet corn.


 * Brian: Peter, that's your 50th bag. What could possibly be in there?
 * Peter: Oh, have you not heard?
 * Stewie: Brian, no!
 * [Peter plays his damage "Surfin' Bird" record, his dancing glitches along with the music]
 * Brian: Wait a minute, didn't we destroy that?
 * Peter: I glued it. Surfin' Bird, ahh, ahh, ahh, finds a way.