Family Guy/Season 20

Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was canceled in 2002, but after a positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, productions of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.


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LASIK Instinct

 * Lois: Well, thank you all for coming. Can I get anyone something to drink?
 * Doug's Dad: I'm fine but Doug's mother would probably like three martinis and then have unprotected sex with her boss at work.
 * Doug's Mom: Doug's father would love a glass of warm tap water and never make more than $30,000 a year for the rest of his life.


 * Stewie: Alright, guess now the four men awkwardly sit here, while my mom gives your mom a tour of the house that doesn't deserve one.
 * Lois: [offscreen] And this is a room adjacent to the room we were just in.
 * Doug's Mom: [offscreen] Ooh. This is a fun house!

Must Love Dogs

 * Lois: I have to go do a dangerous speedball and become the least surprising death in Hollywood history.


 * Lois: It me! Borat! You know. From that picture, Borat. Ever seen it?
 * Wild: Yeah, that movie come out like 15 years ago.
 * Peter: Well, I've never heard of it but it was just about the funniest thing I've ever seen.

80's Guy

 * Chris: Dad, can I ask you something about girls?
 * Peter: Are you wearing a wire?


 * Chris: VHS? What do those letters stand for?
 * Peter: That information has been lost to victory.

Brief Encounter

 * Lois: Stewie, when I was over, visiting grandma and grandpa, humiliating myself to ask them to keep paying for your preschool, ...
 * Stewie: I know you don't understand me but I understand you.
 * Lois: [takes out a stuffed monkey toy]... I found Chi Chi! He's like your doll, Reuben.
 * Stewie: [to Rupert] I know. I know. I know. You called Joanna "Joanne" the other day. It happens.


 * Stewie: What's on your shoes?
 * Doug: Oh, these are called laces. I doubt you've ever heard of them, Mr. Velcro.
 * Stewie: I know about laces! I've just never seen black ones! Jeez, why are you always such a dick!?
 * Doug: It takes one to know one.
 * Stewie: Where did you learn that? That was great!

Cootie & The Blowhard

 * Brian: [reading his birthday banner] Happy birthday, dog?
 * Peter: Sorry, I spaced on your name at the party store. Have a good one, Brent.|


 * [Joe and Kevin come to the party]
 * Peter: I don't recall inviting Kevin but sure.
 * Brian: His name, you remember.

Peterschmidt Manor

 * [Chris goes to a gun counter at Quahog Sports]
 * Chris: Hi, I'm a 15-year-old wild card and...
 * Gun Salesman: WELL, LET'S GET YOU A GUN, ALREADY!


 * Peter: Let me ask a salesperson for help like a complete beta.

The Birthday Bootlegger

 * Peter: Okay, Brian. What do you get for me?
 * Brian: Okay, birthday jokes. [reading one of his jokes] We may not be colleagues, but there's no one in your league.
 * Peter: Boy, that's a brick on the backboard. Chris, what do you got?
 * Chris: I drove the family to Disneyland for vacation and when we got off the highway, the sign said "Disneyland Left" so we drove back home.
 * Peter: Chris, that's going in the show. See that, Brian? Don't be afraid to pull our heartstrings.


 * Stewie: Children, please continue the independent day, while I go see if I just sneezed my tampon out.

The Fat Man Always Rings Twice

 * Red Wiener: Say, can we go to the next scene with one of the cinematic sideways wipes they used to do in the '30s?
 * Mac: Eh, I don't know. I did a sideways wipe this morning. I don't recommend it.

Christmas Crime

 * [Lois announces it's time to go to the Quahog tree lighting ceremony]
 * Meg: Sweet. Tree lightning. Guess that means it's showtime.
 * [takes out a bag of eggs]
 * Peter: Wait...what is this?
 * Meg: Oh, nothing. Just my tradition of putting four dozen hard-boiled eggs in a Kroger bag and passing them out at the tree lightning.
 * Peter: Okay, we get it, Meg. You're dark and different. [whispering to Lois] Wow, Meg is dark and different.
 * Meg: Yeah, they call me "Meg the Egg" cuz of my big bag of eggs. I hope you guys don't start calling me that but you can if you want to.

Mister Act

 * Lois: Good morning, Peter. Hope you enjoyed sleeping in.
 * Peter: Oh, there's no sleeping in, when you're an alcoholic, Lois. You just never go to sleep.


 * Lois: How dare you buy me something that suggests I need exercise?!
 * Peter: This is a loud way to say thank you.

The Lois Quagmire

 * Lois: I went to The Fancington's Academy for insufferable girls. Our mascot was a well-dressed woman who yells at valets.


 * Lois: Do people bring husbands to these things?
 * Brian: You're not thinking of going without them, are you?
 * Lois: Honestly, Brian. These girls come from old money so they can be pretty stuffy and judgmental.
 * Brian: Well, [kills a bird and eats it] ...I'm still available.

Lawyer Guy

 * Peter: The year 2020 was a terrible year for the Corona Beer company so they had to sell off all their TV commercial hammocks.


 * Chris: The neighbor's sprinkler ruined whatever this is.
 * Peter: Not so fast, Chris. I don't give up that easily.
 * Chris: Good for you, Dad. Go knock on the neighbor's door and have a mildly uncomfortable conversation.
 * Peter: I give up.

HBO-No

 * Peter: Guys, great news. My uncle just died so we can use his HBO Max password until they cancel his credit card!


 * Peter: Let's start with Game of Thrones, which aired 8 seasons and was beloved by America for 6 and a half seasons.

Hard Boiled Meg

 * Tom: For those of you who don't know what VR is, I will now attempt to explain it without the aid of a teleprompter. You put a computer on your face and it's like this whole world man, it's crazy. I dated a chick whose little brother had one. Just nuts.


 * Meg: Gentlemen, the going great is $20 a game over here. Who's got a pair of stones big enough to challenge The Mighty Meg?

Prescription Heroine

 * Lois: Oh, good. Kids, you're just in time for breakfast.
 * Chris: No time, Mom. The girl I stalk has field hockey practice at 8:00! I love a red-cheeked barbarian.
 * Lois: How 'bout you, Meg?
 * Meg: Can't. I'm weirdly the girl he's stalking. God, help me. I love the attention.


 * Lois: Well, I have the whole day. I guess I can watch The Office for so long that Netflix has to ask if I'm still alive.
 * [Lois clicks on her remote, cut to a Netflix menu on the screen asking a question]
 * You've been watching for a while. Are you still alive?
 * [Underneath the question are "Yes" and "No" as possible answers, Lois selects "Yes" and another question appears onscreen]
 * Are you sure? You've watched three non-Michael Scott episodes in a row.
 * [Lois selects "Yes" again and another question appears]
 * Sorry, we have to ask again to make sure you're not a cat walking on the remote. Are-- are you a cat walking on the remote?
 * [The word "Meow" replaces "Yes" as a possible answer, Lois selects "No" and another message appears]
 * Okay, sorry to give you the third degree. I can see you're going through some stuff.
 * [Lois hears a knock on the door]
 * Joe: [offscreen] Hey, Lois, is everything okay? Uh, our Netflix says your Netflix is worried about you.

All About Alana

 * Stewie: [narration] The whole family was so alarmed that no one noticed Alana at the piano practicing Lois’s part of the theme song…
 * Alana: [singing] It seems today, that all you see, is violence and movies and sex on tv… …on which we used to rely…
 * [Cuts to a canyon, Lois is stilled trapped in the truck]
 * Lois: Stop! Why are you doing this?! Is this related to the virtual stranger I like take over my life and family this past week? Please!

Girlfriend, Eh?

 * Chris: I'm home from camp!
 * Brian: Welcome, home!
 * Stewie: Meg's been wearing your clothes.

First Blood

 * Brian: Slippery slides are a nightmare of unexpected bumps and mishaps.
 * Stewie: Are you sure? Cuz the multicultural kids on the box seem to be having fun.
 * [The multicultural kid on the box starts talking]
 * Asian Kid: Hi!
 * Hispanic Kid: Hola!
 * Black Kid: I'm a real boy who was put here by a witch!

Jersey Bore

 * Preston: Peter, you'll be very happy to know I finished conducting my employee productivity evaluations. I used a system called the Determining Employee Advancement Duties Working Engagement Intelligence Gains Hourly Test or DEADWEIGHT. And my results have shown you to be the brewery's least productive employee. So, pack your bags.


 * [a cool substitute boss comes in]
 * Dan: Hey, guys. My first name is Dan, which is what you'll all call me. Now, who wants to watch Ratatouille?