Family Guy/Season 3

Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was canceled in 2002, but after a positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

The Thin White Line

 * Joe: [to Brian] Nice work, rookie!
 * Cop 1: You're a credit to the force.
 * Cop 2: Additional generic cop compliment, Brian!


 * Rehab Counselor: Wait a minute, Brian, you have a pre-existing relationship with this degenerate?
 * Peter: A degenerate, am I? Well, you are a festisio! See? I can make up words too, sister.

Brian Does Hollywood

 * Brian: Hey, what might be a thrill for you guys?
 * Chris: Ooh! Ooh! Eating a pebble!


 * Cosby: [wears Stewie's hypnotic goggles] So you're going to just sit here and enjoy it.
 * Stewie: [hypnotized] I'm going to sit here and enjoy it. And I like pudding. And Ghost Dad was the best movie I've seen since Leonard Part 6.

Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington

 * Peter: Hey, since I became President, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano. [laughs]
 * [cut to Alyssa Milano in reality, watching the show]
 * Milano: What kinda cheap shot...?! [to her lawyer] Joel!
 * Joel: I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it.

One If By Clam, Two If By Sea

 * Peter: Yep.
 * Joe: Yep.
 * Quagmire: Yep.
 * Cleveland: Mmm-Hmm. [they drink]

And the Wiener is...

 * Lois: [after seeing Chris' penis] Oh, my! Well, no wonder he's always slouching.
 * Peter: How the hell did this happen? I'm supposed to be the man of the house. You must be so ashamed of me.
 * Lois: Oh, Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts.
 * Peter: OH, MY GOD! [runs away]

Death Lives

 * Diane: A tragic accident today in the north Providence area. A family of four lost their lives when their minivan swerved off the road and into a ravine, exploding on impact. [Tom snickers] You find this funny, Tom?
 * Tom: No, no, no. I was remembering, I accidentally put my shirt on inside out this morning. It's fine now, though. So, so, what were you saying? A fashion show?


 * Death's Mother: Death! Put your jacket on, or you'll get frostbite!
 * Death: I don't have skin!
 * Death's Mother: That's 'cause you didn't eat your beans!

Lethal Weapons

 * Lois: Okay. The psychologist wants us to try an exercise called "role reversal," where we pretend to be the person who makes us angry. I'll go first. [imitating Peter] Don't listen to your mother, kids. She's worthless and dumb and ignore her and only listen to me, Peter.
 * Peter: [imitating Lois] I'm Lois. I break for yard sales. But I don't let Peter buy anything he likes, like that Narragansett Beer sign where the hot chick has two mugs for jugs. It was eight freaking dollars and we have a dozen places to put it!
 * Stewie: Ooh, ooh, me next, me next. [imitating Brian] I'm the dog. I'm well read and have a diverse stock portfolio. But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the small braided rug near the door.
 * Brian: [imitating Stewie] I'm a pompous little Anti-Christ who will probably abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and fall in love with a rough trick named Jim.


 * Peter: You just hit me!
 * Lois: That's right!
 * [Peter punches her back, knocking her onto the floor]
 * Lois: You can't hit me, I'm a girl!
 * Peter: Sometimes I wonder.

The Kiss Seen Around the World

 * Connie: Hey, everybody! Mr. Lazenby's getting arrested!
 * [all the students in Meg's classroom exit and watch as the police arrest, Mr. Lazenby]
 * Principal Shepherd: Now, what in God's name…? [opens door] Mr. Lazenby, what the hell's going on here?!
 * Lazenby: Apparently, there's some law against teaching the evolutionary theory that Gil Gerard used a time machine, went back, and ejaculated into the primordial ooze.
 * Principal Shepherd: This stupid country...


 * Meg: I just wanna kill myself! I'm going upstairs right now, and eating a whole bowl of peanuts! [blank stares from Peter and Lois] I'm allergic to peanuts! [more blank stares] You don't know anything about me! [runs upstairs]
 * Peter: Who was that guy?

Mr. Saturday Knight

 * [Peter paces back and forth just as Mr. Weed is on his way over for dinner]
 * Lois: Peter, calm down. Everything's gonna be fine.
 * Peter: I hope so, 'cause if I blow this, I'm gonna have to go back to my old job at the Electric Company.
 * [cut to the Electric Company with Peter and another man as Soft-Shoe Silhouettes]
 * Man: D.
 * Peter: -ot.
 * Peter and the man: Dot.
 * Man: B.
 * Peter: -et.
 * Man: Bet.
 * Peter: Bet. I knew that. Slow it down, will ya?
 * Man: P.
 * Peter: -it.
 * Man: Pit.
 * Peter: Pit. C'mon, pal. It's my first dayǃ
 * Man: F.
 * Peter: -at.
 * Man: Fat.
 * Peter: Oh, that's it, buddyǃ
 * [a fight breaks out between the two]

A Fish Out of Water

 * [Stewie walks up to a lady hanging up a framed pot of flowers painting on the wall.]
 * Lady: There we are. It's a Van Gogh print. Isn't it beautiful?
 * Stewie: Oh, yes — I often fantasized about what this house would be like with more culture.
 * [Cut to the boys sitting on chairs in a semicircle, in gentlemen's outfits, talking very quickly in a posh English accent.]
 * Stewie: The port is quite good.
 * Brian: Yes, quite good.
 * Chris: Indeed.
 * Peter: Most certainly.
 * Brian: What year is it?
 * Chris: '51.
 * Brian: Ah.
 * Peter: Delectable.
 * Stewie: Indeed.
 * Chris: Yes.
 * Peter: [catches fire] Oh, dear!
 * Brian: What is it?
 * Peter: I've spontaneously combusted.
 * Stewie: Oh, I am sorry.
 * Peter: Oh, it's quite all right. I've grown tired of living.
 * Stewie: Ah, very good then.
 * Chris: For the best.
 * Brian: Yes, indeed.
 * Stewie: Oh, is it raining again?

Emission Impossible

 * Peter: [after Carol has given birth] Oh, my God!
 * Lois: What? What?!
 * Peter: [holds a crying baby] It's a beautiful baby girl.
 * Carol: Oh, a baby girl! I'm so happy!
 * Peter: But she has a penis. Well, we're gonna have to do something about that. [grabs a scalpel]
 * Lois: [takes the scalpel] Peter, no! It's a boy!

To Love and Die in Dixie

 * Peter: [at the police station, where the convicts are held] Hi, uh, excuse me, you guys. Yeah, I'm here to pick up my son, Chris Griffin. Uh, he's here to finger the guy who held up that convenience store. M-maybe you've seen him, his name is Chris Griffin. Oh, wait a second. I think I got a picture of him, somewhere...h-here you go. [gives the picture to the one who robbed the store] Yeah, you can go ahead and hang on to that, I got a ton of 'em at home. I was gonna throw that one out anyway 'cause Chris messed it up by writing his school schedule and a list of his fears all over the back of it.

Screwed the Pooch

 * [Brian dives into the race track and tackles Seabreeze]
 * Meg: Oh, my God!
 * Carter: He's violating Seabreeze!
 * Peter: Oh, no, he's just awkwardly positioning himself... [shocked] Now he's violating Seabreeze.


 * [Peter plays poker with Carter and his poker buddies]
 * Ted Turner: Aces high or low?
 * Peter: They go both ways.
 * [Bill Gates and Michael Eisner laugh]
 * Bill Gates: He said, "They go both ways".
 * [all except Ted laugh]
 * Ted: Like a bisexual.
 * Michael: Thank you, Ted. That was the joke.

Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?

 * Miller: Now, I don't want to go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first battle of Antietam. I mean, when a neo-conservative defenestrates, it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate.
 * Peter: What the hell does "rant" mean?


 * [Chris is watching a rap video on TV]
 * Peter: Hey Chris, what are you doing? I am sittin' here shittin' myself! Give me some Dr. Peppa!
 * Chris: Just layin' back in the cot, peepin' at this here homie. Yo, Pops, get me some cheddar. Some player-hater be throwin' salt in my game and grillin' me over my gear, and I need to be making style.
 * Peter: You be trippin', my man. Go hed and take 'ya dump, sun.
 * Peter: Well, uh... the important thing is you tried, son.

Ready, Willing, and Disabled

 * Announcer: We now return to Touched By An Angel.
 * [courtroom scene; a boy is on the stand]
 * Prosecutor: [shows the boy a doll] Now, where exactly did the angel touch you?
 * Boy: [points at the doll's crotch] Here.
 * Angel: Oh, come on, who are you gonna believe? I got a freakin' halo!


 * [Peter enters Tom Tucker's office, falsely handicapped]
 * Peter: Mr. Tucker, I have just become handicapped like Joe Swanson. And I demand commercial endorsements and a TV movie based on me starring Valerie Bertinerni.
 * Tom: But, Mr. Griffin,...
 * Peter: Ah-ah. [extracts tape] I even got the first piece you're gonna run: exclusive video footage of my tragic accident.
 * [he inserts the tape in the TV/VCR, and video of him is shown]
 * Peter: [on tape] Oh, no! A car going too fast to stop in time! AIEEEEE!
 * [the tape cuts to a shot of a scarecrow getting hit by the approaching car, then cuts back to Peter, who is on the ground, wailing and flailing]
 * Peter: I'm handicapped now!
 * [Tom pauses the tape]
 * Tom: Mr. Griffin, you can't possibly expect me to believe this. That was a scarecrow dressed in your clothes.
 * Peter: Oh, come on!
 * Tom: [runs the tape back] And when I freeze-frame,...
 * [he pauses at a point where the car hit the scarecrow, and behind the wheel is...]
 * Tom: That's you driving the car.
 * Peter: Well, there's your hook!
 * Tom: Get out.

A Freakin' Special Family Guy Christmas

 * Lois: Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made you.
 * Brian: Uh, w-well, it's a little warm in here...
 * Lois: "Don we now our gay apparel."
 * Brian: [puts his sweater on] Doesn't get much gayer than this.


 * Peter: My couch! My TV! [to Brian] What the hell did you do?!
 * Brian: Me?! Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
 * Peter: I'll tell you who: someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his entire family at risk.

Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows

 * Goodman: It's a very rare species, the endangered White-Rump Swallow.
 * Chris: [laughs] Rump.
 * Peter: This isn't funny, Chris! [laughs] Swallow.


 * [at a movie theater, the swallow in Peter's beard continuously eats Peter's popcorn]
 * Peter: Damn it all!
 * Patrons: SHH!
 * Peter: Sorry! Sorry.
 * [the swallow squawks loudly]
 * Patron 1: Hey, shut up! Keep it down!
 * Peter: Look, there's nothin' I can do. All right?
 * Patron 2: Take it outside, pal!
 * Patron 3: Have you ever heard of a sitter?!
 * Peter: [jumps out of his seat] Look, it's an endangered species! What am I supposed to do?
 * Patron 4: I'll make you an endangered species!
 * Peter: Oh, good comeback, Potsie!
 * Patron 5: I'll kick your ass! That's what I'll do!
 * [all patrons clamor indistinctly until the swallow recedes into Peter's beard]
 * Peter: Look, everybody just shut up! Shut up! He has stopped squawking! He's receded into my beard! We can all watch the movie! Shut up!
 * [he sits back down, and all is silent for a moment]
 * Voice: Eric, if you're in here, we're all goin' to Marty's after the movie.

From Method to Madness

 * Jeff: [about his trophy, which is over his crotch] Is this the biggest thing you've ever seen?
 * Dave: Hey, don't get too cocky. I had a big one like that when I was your age.
 * Dottie: Oh, you were a show-off yourself, Dave. He brought it out on our first date.
 * Peter: Lois, I'm scared. [drops his hot dog] Oh, I'll get that. [reaches under the table]
 * Dave: Hey!
 * Peter: Oh! Oh! Oh God, oh, Dave, sorry! Oh, oh, God!


 * Chris: Boobies!
 * Lois: Chris, that's enough! Well, I'm sure glad to be out of there!
 * Peter: You said it, Lois. What those people are doing just ain't natural.
 * Chris: Boobies!
 * Lois: Did you hear me, young man?
 * Meg: I don't know what the big deal was! I thought they were nice!
 * Chris: Boobies!
 * Lois: Peter?
 * Peter: Do it. [everybody besides Chris puts on sunglasses; Lois reveals the Neutralizer from Men in Black, and uses it on Chris]
 * Lois: Did you have fun at the circus today, Chris?
 * Chris: Elephants are bigger in person!

Stuck Together, Torn Apart

 * [Peter is in front of a mirror, preparing for a party]
 * Meg: Look at that handsome man.
 * Peter: You son of a bitch! [punches the mirror]


 * Peter: Why are you holding that infant's hand?
 * Stewie: Oh, we met on the Internet.
 * Brian: Shut up!
 * Stewie: Yes, he lured me down to the park with promises of candy and funny stories.

Road to Europe

 * Stewie: [encounters Pengrove Pig] Pengrove! I've come to live on Jolly Farm! Oh my, the Magic Tome! [opens the book] Well, it's... it's cardboard. And there are no words, there are just... What is it you've drawn here?
 * Pengrove: Oh, that's Oswald Owl slamming Mother Maggie in one of them Chinese baskets, eh? [removes his mask to reveal a hideous laughing elderly man] Ah, dead brill, eh?
 * Stewie: [yells; runs up to a smoking Mother Maggie] Oh, Mother Maggie, thank God! Something's wrong!
 * Maggie: [in a heavier English accent than on T.V.] Whose stinky brat is this?
 * Stewie: That's not your voice. Your voice is lyrical, like the gentle strum of a lute!
 * Maggie: Piss off, ya grotty little wanker! [kicks Stewie off the set and resumes smoking]
 * Stewie: It's a fake. It's not real.
 * Brian: I thought it'd be best for you to find out on your own, kid.
 * Stewie: I feel like such a fool. Don't even look at me!
 * Brian: Hey, come on. Do you want to get some ice cream? That'd make ya feel better. Right? [Stewie shakes his head no] You wanna get some McDonald's? [Stewie shakes his head no again] You wanna take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes? [Stewie nods his head yes] Okay. Let's go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.

Family Guy Viewer Mail #1

 * Dr. Hartman: Mayor West, you have lymphoma.
 * West: Oh, my...
 * Dr. Hartman: Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste.
 * West: I see...
 * Dr. Hartman: What in God's name were you trying to prove?
 * West: I was trying to gain superpowers.
 * Dr. Hartman: Well, that's just silly.
 * West: Silly, yes. Idiotic, yes...

When You Wish Upon a Weinstein

 * Lois: Peter, did you take the money from the family jar?
 * Peter: [dances] Who, me? Yes, me. Couldn't be. Then who? [stops] Yeah, I did it. I bought us volcano insurance.


 * Peter: Lois, no one needs glasses.
 * Meg: You wear glasses.
 * Peter: That's only to fool the man from the draft board.