Family Guy/Season 4

North by North Quahog

 * Peter: Everybody, I've got bad news. We've been cancelled.
 * Lois: Oh, no! Peter, how could they do that?
 * Peter: Well, unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We've just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That '80s Show, Wonderfalls, Fastlane, Andy Richter Controls the Universe, Skin, Girls Club, Cracking Up, The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, FreakyLinks, Wanda at Large, Costello, The Lone Gunmen, A Minute With Stan Hooper, Normal, Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, Keen Eddie, The $treet, American Embassy, Cedric the Entertainer, The Tick, Luis and Greg the Bunny.
 * Lois: Is there no hope?
 * Peter: Well, I suppose if all those shows go down the tubes, we might have a shot.




 * Tom: [Meg is sitting on the couch watching the news. Jake’s picture is shown on the screen in between Tom and Diane with his eyes obscured by a black bar] In local news, a Buddy Cianci Jr. High School student has been arrested for possession of drugs. The student has been sentenced to 200 hours of community service, and is a very bad boy! We now go to Ollie Williams with the Punishment Forecast. Ollie?
 * Ollie: HE GON' GET IT!
 * Tom: Thanks, Ollie. Now this.
 * Meg: So you actually put coke in that kid’s locker?
 * Brian: Yup.
 * Meg: Wow! Where’d ya get it?
 * Brian: Oh. I got a guy.
 * [Greased-Up Deaf Guy comes on screen]
 * Greased-Up Deaf Guy: Don’t let it get the best of you! I used to be a lawyer. See you next week. Good to be back, America!

Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High

 * Mrs. Lockhart: Good morning, class.
 * Chris and other students: Good morning, Mrs. Lockhart.
 * Mrs. Lockhart: I graded your quizzes from yesterday. Most of you did well. Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris?
 * [she holds up Chris' failed quiz in front of her chest; Chris takes a gander]
 * Chris: Two Ds and an F.




 * [Lois thinks Chris has murdered Mr. Lockhart]
 * Lois: No, wait a minute! I can't call the police! I have to get rid of this body, or Chris'll go to prison! And we all know what happens in those prison showers. I've seen Oz.
 * [cut to a group of prisoners singing in the shower]
 * Prisoners: Scrub scrub here, scrub scrub there,
 * whether you're white or bronze.
 * A man can wash another man
 * in the merry old land of Oz!

Blind Ambition

 * Brian: [sees Brutus] Peter, what the hell is that?
 * Peter: Ah, this is my seeing eye dog, Brutus.
 * Brian: What do you need a seeing eye dog for?
 * Peter: Well, 'cause I can't do anything for myself, Brian. I can't drive, I don't know when to cross the street, and I took a dump in a church confessional which I guess they frown upon if you're not homeless. I thought I could deal with being blind at first, but...I don't know. I-I haven't felt this out of place since that week I lived with Superman.
 * [cut to the Fortress of Solitude in Superman]
 * Superman: We must stop Lex Luthor before he irradiates the world's supply of gold. [Peter walks into the lair]
 * Peter: Uh, hi, uh, sorry. I know you've got a meeting going on, but, um...so, we are officially running low on Mr. Pibb and Cheez-Its. So, um, just putting it out there. If you're heading to the store later, uh, you know, uh, 800-mile drive for me, like, five seconds for you. Whatever. I'm not here.




 * God: [talking to a woman in The Drunken Clam] Oh uh, let me light that for ya, babe. [makes a lightning bolt that lights her cigarette]
 * Woman: Wow!
 * God: Yep, magic fingers. [God points to her and lightning catches her body on fire and explodes] Jesus Christ!
 * Jesus: What?
 * God: Get the Escalade. We're outta here!

Don't Make Me Over

 * Peter: Oh, please tell me this is some kind of practical joke. Like-like the kind I used to play when I was an intern at the hospital.
 * [Cutaway to hospital]
 * Peter: I'm afraid I have some very bad news. Your wife's going to be a vegetable. You'll have to bathe her, feed her, and care for her the rest of her life.
 * Man: Oh, my God...
 * Peter: [laughs] No, no, no, I'm just kidding! She's dead!




 * Peter: Hey, you gotta start somewhere, fellas. That's how you evolve. Like when the Tin Man found out he was gay.
 * [cut to a scene from The Wizard of Oz. After leaning back and forth for a while, the Tin Man falls on the Scarecrow]
 * Tin Man: Oh, oh, look what happened by accident.

The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire

 * Peter: Your wife's cheatin' on ya.
 * Cleveland: What?!
 * Peter: Yeah. It's actually a pretty funny story. A true story. Brian and I walked into your house, and she was with some guy goin': "Bam, bam, bam, bam, am!".
 * Brian: Uh, Peter...
 * Peter: Hang on. I'm not done. "Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!" And then, she's all... [imitates Loretta] "Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!" "Bam! Bam! Bam!" You wanna take it from here, Bamm-Bamm?
 * [switch to Bamm-Bamm Rubble]
 * Bamm-Bamm: [bangs his club] Bam-bam! Bam-bam-bam! [stops] You wanna take it from here, Emeril?
 * [switch to Emeril Lagasse]
 * Lagasse: Bam!
 * Peter: So, that's what we're dealin' with here. Any thoughts?


 * Peter: All right, Cleveland. If this doesn't light a fire in your belly, nothin' will.
 * [he puts on a Quagmire mask]
 * Peter: Hey, look at me! I'm Quagmire! I had sex with your wife! Giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity!
 * [Cleveland laughs]
 * Cleveland: Those are so his mannerisms. [laughs]
 * Brian: Peter, what the hell are you doing?
 * Peter: I'm not Peter, I'm Quagmire! And I'm doin' you, Loretta!
 * [he puts a Loretta mask on Brian]
 * Brian: What the hell?
 * [the two act out Quagmire having sex with Loretta; they shout inaudiably, much to Cleveland's anger; Cleveland growls, grabs the Quagmire mask, and splits it in half]
 * Cleveland: Glenn Quagmire, YOU'RE DEAD!

Petarded

 * Peter: My whole world has been turned upside down! Black is east, up is white!
 * Brian: Uh, Peter, I don't want to say "I told you so" for not being a genius, but... YEEEAAAAHHH! IN YO' FUCKIN' FACE, FUCKWAD! I'm...I'm sorry about that.
 * Meg: I can't believe this is happening to me! I can never go back to school again!
 * Stewie: Oh, yes, Meg, yes. Yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, this is the thing that will ruin your reputation. Not your years of grotesque appearance or awkward social graces or that Felix Unger-ish way you clear your sinuses. No, no, no, it's this. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight.


 * Judge: Well, if there's nothing further, I hereby sentence-
 * Peter: Wait, wait, wait. Your Honor, there is something further. Look, I know I screwed up big time. But I only did it so I could get my kids back. I love them. And I think it's a bum rap that just because I'm retarded that makes me an unfit parent. There are plenty of unfit parents out there who aren't retarded but they get to keep their kids. Bing Crosby, Joan Crawford. I think the Ramseys still got one left. I just want them back, Your Honor, and you're the only one who can help me. What do you say?
 * Judge: Are you kidding? You're a monster! In fact, if I could, I would put you in a place where you would be removed from the general public. Perhaps locked in a big, secure building with other dangerous people for a pre-determined period of time, based on the nature and degree of your offense. Unfortunately, as far as I know, no such place exists. So, I have no choice but to set you free.
 * Peter: Does that mean I get my kids back?
 * Judge: Absolutely not! Case closed! [bangs his gavel]
 * Peter: Oh, crap! [to the judge] Oh, it was prison you were thinking of. Prison.
 * Judge: Aw, I already banged the hammer!

Brian the Bachelor

 * [Lois tries to feed Stewie "aeroplane-style" and he knocks the spoon from her hand]
 * Stewie: Well, I guess the pilot must have been JFK Jr. (realizes what he just said): Ugh, even I found that to be in bad taste.




 * Quagmire's Mother: Glenn, would you feed Mittens?
 * Quagmire: Mittens has food in his bowl!
 * Quagmire's Mother: That's old food! [Mittens meows]
 * Quagmire: Mittens, shut up! Mittens, SHUT UP!
 * Quagmire's Mother: Don't you talk to Mittens that way! Mittens is a member of this family!
 * Quagmire: Mom, you want this three-way to happen, you're gonna have to change your tone!

8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter

 * Peter: Alright, you guys, I got eight crates of ipecac from Mort, all on my tab. Now whoever goes the longest without puking gets the last piece of pie in the fridge. [he, Stewie, Chris and Brian chug the ipecac bottles] Okay, here we go. [short pause] How's everybody doing?
 * Brian: Good. Good so far.
 * Peter: All right, all right.
 * Stewie: Nothin' yet.
 * Peter: Cool, cool. You know, I don't know if any of you guys have had that pie yet, but that's...that is some tasty stuff. That's from the bake sale that Lois was-- [starts vomiting]
 * Stewie: Ooh, one down! I know somebody who won't be having any-- [starts vomiting]
 * Chris [feels his upset stomach] I'm starting to feel funny.
 * Brian: Well, I feel fine. I guess I'm gonna-- [starts vomiting]
 * Chris: Oh, boy! [gets up] That means I win! I get to eat the-- [starts vomiting]
 * Stewie: [vomits again] Oh... Oh, God! Why didn't anybody tell me-- [vomits again]
 * Peter: Oh, my god! My insides are on fire-- [vomits again]
 * Stewie: No, please...no more...no more, no-- [vomits again]
 * Chris: Dad, I'm scared... [vomits again]
 * Brian: Get the phone, call 911-- [vomits again]
 * Peter: Lois! Lois, Lois! Get in here-- [vomits again]
 * Brian: Okay. I think it's all gone. I think i-- [vomits again]
 * Stewie: I don't wanna... I don't wanna-- [vomits again]
 * Brian: Peter, I need you to hold my ears--
 * [Brian vomits, Peter vomits on Brian's ears and Brian vomits again. The vomiting stops for a bit, everyone starts groaning and moaning, and the whole living room is covered in puke.]
 * Lois: [enters with a pot] Who wants chowder?
 * [Peter, Stewie, Brian and Chris resume vomiting, Lois sees them in shock]




 * Liddane: (in tears) I'm sorry, Stewie. I'm just upset. Jeremy stopped calling me!
 * Stewie: He what?! That blackguard! Oh, come here. Lemme just - lemme just hold you for a while...
 * (the two comfort each other, but Stewie touches Lidanne's left breast; Lidanne reacts, then slaps Stewie)
 * Lindanne: Stewie! No! That is a bad place to touch! No! No, no, no, no, no! No!
 * Stewie: But... But... But... But I... I... You... I... I... (wails like a real baby)
 * Lidanne: No more TV!
 * Stewie: Well, how about no more job?! Hmm? You hear that, Miss Fussybritches?! I shall see you fired! Damn you! I thought we were going to go all the way and die together like Hitler and Eva Braun!

Breaking Out Is Hard to Do

 * Brian: Uh, hey, uh, Bonnie, uh, listen, why don't you stop with the questions, huh? You're-you're ruining everyone's good time. Like Peter did when he used to entertain terminally-ill kids.
 * [cut to Peter in a hospital with four kids in beds]
 * Peter: Hi there, how y'all doing? Alright, so I'm at the DMV the other day. Long lines, long lines at the DMV, but, uh, you'll all find out about that when you get ol- [the kids stare at him] Oh, uh, moving on. So I finally tried Viagra, and- [hears a kid moaning; Peter walks up to his bed] Oh, we got a joker in the audience there. You uh, you got something you wanna say there, uh, Mr. Heckler?
 * Kid: Dying hurts...
 * Peter: Tell me about it. So, anyway, who hates flying?


 * Lois: I guess I was stealin' because I was so sick of the same ol' routine. I felt like I had a void in my life, like there was a secret hole in me.
 * Quagmire [in the background]: Oh, God!
 * Lois: ...And I was tryna fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects and things...
 * Quagmire: Oh, God!
 * Lois: ...And I felt wonderful with all those things fillin' that hole.
 * Quagmire: OH GOD!!!
 * Lois: I did this to myself, so I'm just gonna have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
 * Quagmire: That one is also sexual. [walks away happily]

Model Misbehavior

 * Peter: So, uh, Mr. Pewterschmidt, the, uh, big race is tomorrow, eh? Bet you're gonna need some big strapping men to help you with your boat.
 * Carter: Are you calling me gay?
 * Peter: No, no. I just - I just thought you might want some extra seamen on your, uh, on - on - on your poopdeck. [Carter punches Peter in the face, knocking him off his chair].




 * Founding Father 1: Well, I can't decide what to call this place.
 * Founding Father 2: We'll flip a coin.
 * Founding Father 1: All right. Heads: Rhode Island. Tails: Cacapoopoopeepeeshire.

Peter's Got Woods

 * Stewie: [reads The Da Vinci Code] Oh, yes, just as I thought. France... art... murder?! Well, this is a bigger surprise than that time Peter vanished into thin air.
 * [cut to Peter playing Peek-a-boo with Stewie]
 * Peter: Hey, Stewie. Peek-a-boo!
 * Stewie: Yes, I see you, fat man.
 * Peter: [gasps] Where's Daddy? [covers eyes]
 * Stewie: What? [looks around] Where did you go?! Oh, this is impossible! I-I-I can hear you, but I can't see. Well, he must really be gone. [starts picking his nose]
 * Peter: [removes hands from eyes] Peek-a-boo!
 * Stewie: Ahh! How the hell did you do that?! Look, I thought you disappeared, otherwise I wouldn't have picked my- [Peter covers his eyes again] Oh, great. Leave when I'm right in the middle of a sentence.

The Perfect Castaway

 * [Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire float on a raft after the storm]
 * Joe: We've been out here for days. I'm starving.
 * [Peter eats something]
 * Quagmire: Hey, what's that?
 * Peter: [stops] What?
 * Cleveland: You're eatin' somethin'!
 * Joe: You bastard! You have food?!
 * Peter: I don't know what you're talkin' about.
 * Joe: Gimme that!
 * [he and Peter fight over what Peter has been eating until Joe screams at what he has seen; Cleveland and Quagmire shout in shock]
 * Joe: Peter! You've been eating my legs?!
 * Peter: Yeah. See, now, this is why I didn't say anything. I knew you were gonna get like this.
 * Joe: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
 * Peter: Look, look, Joe, I...!
 * Joe: YOU'VE BEEN EATING ME!!
 * Peter: Okay. You know what? Let's agree to disagree.


 * [Peter, Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire exit their cruise ship and return to Quahog]
 * Joe: Well, that was a great cruise.
 * Peter: Yeah. The buffet was great!
 * Cleveland: And I enjoyed shootin' Skeet.
 * [two men carry an incapacitated Skeet Ulrich on a stretcher]
 * Man: Don't worry, Mr. Ulrich. We'll get you to the hospital.
 * Ulrich: [to Cleveland; in pain and anger] You bastard!
 * Cleveland: There's nothin' good about what you do or who you are.

Jungle Love

 * Unemployer: Turns out there's a job opening at the Pawtucket Brewery.
 * Peter: Wow, that sounds even better than when I got paid to take part in that study.
 * [cut to two doctors in a small window]
 * Doctor: Hmm. The only one who couldn't finish the puzzle is the fat one. [screen turns to Peter on a desk and three bears in others]
 * Peter: I'm sorry, I can't see what you're going for here. What, hey, let me look at- [turns to see the puzzle, a jar of jam] Oh, it's a jar of preserves. Oh. Yeah, I guess that's what all the red pieces were...




 * Lois: Oh, I wonder how your father's first day of work went.
 * [Peter drives up to the kitchen window and beeps the car horn]
 * Meg: Dad? What the hell are you doing!?
 * Peter: [drunk] Uh, yeah, hey buddy. Uh, I'll have a triple cheese-burger and a large fries and uh...do you sell pants?

PTV

 * [Peter and Brian watch TV]
 * Announcer: And now, stay tuned for Three's Company.
 * [the television shows Three's Company]
 * Chrissy: Jack, are you out there? I wanna show you my new bikini.
 * [her top is blacked out]
 * Peter: What the hell?! Why they blockin' out all the good stuff?
 * [he switches to another station showing The Dick Van Dyke Show]
 * Announcer: It's The [bleep] Van [bleep] Show, starring [bleep] Van [bleep].
 * Peter: They're messin' with my shows!
 * Brian: Come to think of it, there was something very different about that Honeymooners episode I watched today.
 * [flashback to said episode of said program]
 * Ralph: One of these days, Alice, one of these days,...!
 * Dubbed voice: [over Ralph's line: "Pow! Right to the moon!"] I'm gonna help stimulate the economy by buying an American car.
 * [back to the present]
 * Brian: This must be the FCC overreacting to the David Hyde Pierce incident. They're censoring anything that might be viewed as unpleasant.
 * Peter: What the hell?! They let Sarah Jessica Parker's face on TV, and she looks like a foot! Well, mark my words, I'm gonna fight this!




 * [Peter starts his broadcast of PTV]
 * Peter: Hi, there. I'm Peter Griffin, and you're watchin' PTV, where you get to watch your favorite shows as nature intended them, with all the sex, violence, swearing, and farts intact. Like the episode of All in the Family where Archie got the Jeffersons to move.
 * [he shows a clip of said episode of All in the Family; Archie burns down a cross in front of George's house]
 * Archie: Time for you to move there, Jefferson!
 * Edith: Oh, Archie! I can't see outta my sheet!
 * Archie: Edith, will ya stifle yourself? We're supposed to be incognitus!
 * [cut back to PTV]
 * Peter: And who could forget that classic episode of The Waltons?
 * [he shows a clip of said episode of The Waltons]
 * Mary Ellen: Good night, Jim-Bob.
 * Jim-Bob: Good night, Mary Ellen. Good night, Pa.
 * Pa: Good night, Jim-Bob. Good night, Elizabeth.
 * Elizabeth: Good night, Pa. Good night, Ma.
 * Ma: Good night, Elizabeth. Good night, John-Boy. [silence] Good night, John-Boy.
 * [she walks up to John-Boy's door and opens it]
 * Ma: John-Boy?
 * John-Boy: Damn it! Can't a guy masturbate in this house?

Brian Goes Back to College

 * [Peter shoots at the ceiling of the living room. Part of it falls down; Chris falls through it and onto the floor]
 * Chris: Hi, Dad!
 * Peter: Go to your room.
 * Chris: Okay! [heads upstairs and falls through to the floor again]




 * Peter: You know, I thought I could help people with this whole A-Team thing, but it turns out I'm as useless as that nude Playboy spread of Debbie Gibson. It's like, "Yeah, she's naked, but who gives a shit?"

The Courtship of Stewie's Father

 * Tom: We now go live to Ollie Williams, in the Channel 5 Traffic Copter. What's the scene, Ollie?
 * [Cut to Ollie riding a helicopter]
 * Ollie: Everybody looks like ants!
 * Tom: Probably because you're up so high. Coming up next, an exclusive interview with Andrew Shue.
 * Stewie: Hey, hey Dad, Dad. Pull my finger. [holds his finger out, Peter pulls it] Wait... [farts] Oh, sounded like a peeptoad! But it's not summer!
 * [Lois angrily comes into the house, dripping wet, hyperventilating with rage and covered in seaweed and leeches]
 * Peter: Hey, Drippy, you're back! What's for dinner?




 * Brian: Aw, don't feel bad, Peter. Hey, I know what'll cheer ya up.
 * Peter: Nah. I don't think I'm in the mood.
 * Brian: Are ya sure? [leaves, then comes back with a banana suit; sings and dances]
 * It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time!
 * Peanut Butter Jelly Time!
 * Peanut Butter Jelly Time!
 * Where he at?!
 * Where he at?!
 * Where he at?!
 * Where he at?!
 * Now, there he go!
 * There he go!
 * There he go!
 * There he go!
 * Peanut Butter Jelly!
 * Peanut Butter Jelly!
 * Peanut Butter Jelly!
 * Peanut Butter Jelly!
 * Peter: Sorry, Brian. It's just not doin' it today. [leaves]
 * Brian: [continues singing and dancing] Do the Peanut Butter Jelly!
 * Peanut Butter Jelly!
 * Peanut Butter Jelly with a baseball bat!
 * Peanut Butter Jelly!
 * Peanut Butter Jelly!
 * Peanut Butter Jelly with a baseball bat!

The Fat Guy Strangler

 * [Lois is watching The Price Is Right on TV]
 * Barker: All right, let's start the bidding. Jennifer, how much do you bid on the dinette set?
 * Jennifer: Um... $675, Bob.
 * Barker: $675. Stephen?
 * Stephen: Uh, $780.
 * Barker: $780. Tammy?
 * Tammy: What was the last bid?
 * Barker: $780.
 * Tammy: $781.
 * Stephen: Fuck you!




 * [Brian and Stewie are joking about Marian]
 * Stewie: Hey, Brian. Marian just called you an alcoholic.
 * Brian: Oh, yeah? Marian just called you a homo.
 * Stewie: Wait a second. I'll be right back. [leaves, then returns with a cucumber] Hey, Brian, Brian. What if I put this cucumber right here? Put the cucumber right there. Do you think Patrick would be angry?
 * [both laugh]
 * Brian: I don't know, man! It's his wife!
 * Stewie: You don't think he'd be ticked off if I put this... Just put that right there? Just right in that spot, right there on the couch?
 * Brian: [laughing] Hey, Marian's giving you a thumbs up! [laughs]
 * Stewie: You know what we should do? We should let it sit here for a couple of weeks and see if it pickles!
 * [both laugh]
 * Stewie: If after three weeks, it pickles, then she's real, and we both have to buy Patrick a steak!
 * [both laugh harder]

The Father, the Son, and the Holy Fonz

 * Announcer: And now back to "Jaws V: Fire Island".
 * (in the movie, 2 men are wading in the water)
 * Mark: You think we should be this far out?
 * Other Man: Stop worrying, Mark. We'll be fine.
 * Jaws: [sounds like Bruce] Hey. I'm gonna eat y'all. I'm gonna eat that hairy leg. I'm gonna eat that one, too. Oh, I can see right up dem shorts! I got a whole bunch of rows of teeth to chew you with. (hums his theme) Oh, now wait a minute, I did have a chubby kid on a raft earlier today. It's okay, though. I've been swimmin' a lot lately. [eats the two men] Mmm, yummy. Mmm.

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 * Peter: [prays to Fonzie] Fonzie, if this be your will, please give me a sign.
 * [the doorbell rings; Peter opens it; inside comes Lindsay Lohan, nude and walking like a crab]
 * Lohan: Hi. I'm Lindsay Lohan. This is how a crab walks.
 * Peter: [amazed] It sure is! Fonzie be praised!

Brian Sings and Swings

 * [at the Quahog Market's 10 items-or-less express lane]
 * Bruce: I definitely need a breath freshener. Ooh, but that's gonna give me 11 items.
 * Cashier: That's fine.
 * Bruce: No, no, no. Rules is rules. Let's see what I'm gonna put back. Okay, I need the Reynolds Wrap and the bathroom tissue. I could do without the Triscuits, but they sure are good. [Stewie, behind him in line, sighs] 7 Up's the whole reason I came down here in the first place. You know what, I'm not gonna need the V8, 'cause I can just get some tomato juice at the mini-mart down the street. It's a little more expensive, but that's okay. I like to help out a small business. I hope it's okay if I pay in pennies. [dumps a whole bag of pennies on the counter]

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 * Stewie: [after finding a drunk Brian sitting by a fire hydrant] Oh, God, a gutter? How cliché!
 * Brian: I don't know what went wrong. I was just trying to live for the moment, you know? 'Cause life can end so abruptly and there's nothing you can do to stop it.
 * Stewie: Is that why you've been on this path to self-destruction? You know, Brian, as smart as you are, you've just got to accept the fact that there are some things in life you just can't control.
 * Brian: You mean, the way you can't control that messed up way that you laugh when you think something is really, really funny?
 * [cut to a scene of Stewie and Brian watching Hope & Faith, with Stewie laughing differently than usual]
 * Stewie: Yes, and I accept that. Your problem is you think that just because you're not in control, nothing matters. Th-that YOU don't matter. But you know what? You matter to someone. [voice breaks] You matter big time... [runs off]

Patriot Games

 * Peter: All right, now listen up, you limey bum sniffers! If we're gonna beat the New England Patriots next week, I got to toughen you up. So you're gonna get into shape the way American athletes do - by taking steroids!

<hr width=50%>
 * [Brian has finished showering, and walks to the door with a towel wrapped around him. He opens the door to see Stewie holding a glass of orange juice.
 * Brian: Stewie. Uh, hey.
 * Stewie: Hey there. So, uh, it's been 24 hours. Got my money?
 * Brian: Ah... You know what, just give me till next Friday, I'll have it for you.
 * Stewie: Oh. Oh, that's funny. I could've sworn I said have it today.
 * Brian: Yeah, I don't have it. Sorry.
 * Stewie: Oh. Well, alright then. [drinks his orange juice] Mmm, that's good OJ. [angrily smashes the glass on Brian's head, causing him in scream in pain with eyes bleeding] Yeah, that hurt?! That hurt?!
 * Brian: What the hell?!
 * Stewie: Yeah, that don't feel so good, does it? No, huh? [punches Brian and throws him aside] Yeah, that's what happens, man!
 * Brian: Oh, my god!
 * Stewie: Yeah, that's what happens! [punches Brian twice] Where's my money?! Ya gonna give me my money?! Where's the money, man! [grabs the towel rack and beats Brian up with it] Where's the money?! Yeah, you like that?! That feel good?! [pulls Brian to the toilet and dunks his head in, hits him with the toilet lid] Where's the money, man?! Where's my money?! [throws him out of the toilet, Brian coughs blood and water] You got till five o'clock. You hear me?! You got till five o'clock!
 * Brian: You freakin' psychopath!
 * Stewie: [tosses the towel to Brian and leaves] Yeah, clean yourself up.

I Take Thee Quagmire

 * [scene from "Wheel of Fortune"]
 * Pat Sajak: All right, Peter, you've made it to the bonus round, congratulations.
 * Peter: Thanks, Regis.
 * Sajak: Okay, the category is "Actor and Show," so we need five consonants and a vowel.
 * Peter: Uh, okay, um... Z, 4, Q... another Q... uh... a third Q, and the Batman symbol.
 * Sajak: Okay, no help there. 15 seconds if you wanna take a shot at it. Talk it out.
 * Peter: Is it Alex Karras in Webster? [the whole puzzle is revealed]
 * Sajak: (in the state of shock) I...don't...believe it.
 * Peter: Oh, my God! I just took a shot in the dark! Holy crap!

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 * Peter: Hey, how much for that fat guy in the circle? I don't see a price tag on that.
 * Sajak: That's you.
 * Peter: Oh, oh, embarrassing. Eh, okay. Well in that case, I'll take the rest on a gift certificate.
 * [at home]
 * Lois: Oh, sweetie, you look so handsome on TV!
 * Brian: I can't believe you actually won! But I suppose it's not the strangest thing I've seen on a game show...like when Adam West was on "Jeopardy!".
 * [cut to "Jeopardy!"]
 * Trebek: All right, players, the answer once again is, "It was the first spacecraft to land on the surface of Mars." Adam, what was your response? [West reveals his response; Trebek reads closely] "Kebert Xela." [groans; disappears]
 * West: Only saying his name backwards can send him back to the fifth dimension where he belongs.

Sibling Rivalry

 * Lois: [taking a pregnancy test] Okay, one more minute, and then if there are two pink lines...
 * Peter: Oh God, I hope you're not pregnant. We can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewie, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marsha, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley...
 * Brian: Peter, those aren't your kids. That's the Nick at Nite lineup.
 * Peter: Blanka, Zangief, Chun-Li, Gulie, E. Honda...
 * Brian: That's Street Fighter.
 * Peter: Red, blue, green...
 * Brian: Those are colors.

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 * Dr. Hartman: (after Lois has recovered from her heart attack) Well, Mrs. Griffin, you rest up for a few days, and you'll be just fine.
 * Lois: Thank you, Doctor. I've realized now that eating is not the way to solve my problems. You hear that, Meg?
 * Meg: For your information, Mom, I don't eat to solve my problems. I cut myself. Is that better?
 * Lois: Chris, we all love your hat.
 * Chris: Thanks, Mom! [to Dr. Hartman] Hey, doc, what did you do with my mom's fat?
 * Dr. Hartman: Well, we stored it all in this storage room. [opens up a closet to show Peter with his pants off kissing a bag of fat]
 * Peter: Uhhhh...it's exactly what it looks like.

Deep Throats

 * Brian: Thank you for coming, Deep Throat.
 * Kermit: [within the shadows] You'll understand if I don't come out from the shadows. My identity will be safest if you never see my face.
 * Brian: Uh, okay.
 * Kermit: Mayor West hasn't slept at home for three nights.
 * Brian: [recognizing him] Kermit the Frog?
 * Kermit: [gasps] Somebody talked! No one is safe! I'm gettin' outta here! [flees from the scene] YAAAAAAAAAAY!!!
 * Stewie: What's his appeal?

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 * Meg: I have to tell you something, Adam.
 * West: You're an alien. I know.

Peterotica

 * Kool-Aid Man: [after a car crashes into his house] Wow, you know, from the other side that's kind of annoying.

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 * Betty White: Hi, I'm Betty White. I just got a subpoena regarding an erotic novel, and I'm looking for the son of a bitch responsible.

You May Now Kiss the...Uh...Guy Who Receives

 * Chris: She's so pretty that if your Hacky Sack were my private parts, I'd let her do that to them.
 * Classmate: What? Kick them around?
 * Chris: Um, wait...yes.

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 * [actor Matthew McConaughey, soaking wet, enters the Griffin residence]
 * Chris: Matthew McConaughey?
 * McConaughey: Yeah, I'm lookin' for a guy named Stewie.
 * [Stewie shoots an arrow through his left eye; McConaughey collapses; Stewie grabs him]
 * Stewie: Chris, grab his legs! I gotta bury this thing.
 * Chris: But I...
 * Stewie: Grab his legs!
 * [Chris does so, and both brothers carry McConaughey out of the house]

Petergeist

 * Bruce: [as a spiritual guide] Lois, I told you, it ain't safe!
 * Peter: I'll tell you what's not safe: Going hunting with Dick Cheney.
 * [cut to Peter and Cheney in a meadow with shotguns]
 * Peter: So, y'all set to go hunting? [Cheney shoots him about ten times. Peter screams each time until he falls on the ground]
 * Cheney: Sorry, I thought you were a deer.

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 * [Carrot Top runs out of the hall of mirrors after tricking Peter, but the latter comes out successfully, much to the former's surprise]
 * Carrot Top: What the hell? How did you find me?
 * Peter: [shows Carrot Top a saw wearing glasses] I found this saw with glasses on it.
 * Carrot Top: [takes the saw] Oh, that's my "See"-saw!
 * [Peter laughs]
 * Peter: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You are so fucking funny! You are so - God damn you for being so funny! [laughs again] Oh, my God!

Untitled Griffin Family History

 * [Peter uses flare gun and gives out parachutes]
 * Lois: Peter, these are parachutes! What the hell are we going to do with parachutes?
 * [Scene shifts to Peter in a scuba suit]
 * Peter: They were to distract you while I put on the one scuba suit.

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 * [Peter inhales in the scuba suit, and coughs]
 * Peter: That wasn't oxygen, that was a tank of Tony Danza's breath! I wonder who got my oxygen tank.
 * [Scene shifts to another house, the mailbox reads "Judith Light"]
 * Light: [with a life-sized hay-stuffed doll with Tony Danza's face on it] Kiss me, Tony. I want your breath inside me. [kisses the doll, inhales] Hey!

Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story

 * [Stewie and Brian are playing Pac-Man while intoxicated]
 * Brian: Get, get the fruit. It's more points. Get, get the fruit.
 * Stewie: I'm not gonna get the fruit.
 * Brian: Get the fruit
 * Stewie: I-I can't get the fruit.
 * Brian: Get the fruit man!
 * Stewie: I'M NOT GONNA GET THE FRUIT! THERE'S A GHOST RIGHT THERE!

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 * Tricia: Peter, how do you respond to the accusations that you were responsible for the series cancellation?
 * Peter: Well, the show had been on for a while, and uh, I was talking to Alan Alda, and, uh, he said the same thing that, uh, Doc Cosby told me: That it was my face out there, and I should take creative control. So I did. And we pushed the envelope creatively, and I stand by my work.
 * [cut to Lois and Cleveland dancing to tribal-like music. Cleveland is holding a bleeding chicken]
 * Cleveland: Peter, can we cut? This isn't working for me.
 * Peter: Hey, who yells "cut", Cleveland?! The only one who yells "cut" is the director!
 * Cleveland: Look, if you want me to fuck this chick, I'll fuck her, but don't make me go through all this bullshit! You're showin' a real ugly side, Griffin!
 * [Stewie walks in, wearing a tribal skirt and a drum for some reason]
 * Stewie: Did I miss my cue?
 * [in the bar]
 * Peter: Although I probably pushed things too far when I did the incest episode.
 * [cut to Lois sitting on the couch; Chris walks in]
 * Chris: [nervously] Oh, uh...hi, Mom.
 * Lois: [in a shaky voice] Hi, Chris... [they both have a shameful look on their faces]
 * Brian: [in the kitchen with his head down, pounding his fist on the table every time he says 'wrong'] WRONG! It's WRONG!

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 * Tricia: Peter, is there anything else you want to say?
 * Peter: Yeah, I got something to say. [stands on a stool] You know, we kid around a lot here, but the truth is, we care about each other. And we're excited to be back, because we wanna address some serious issues and, you know, do something we can all be proud of. [Peter farts; everyone laughs]
 * Lois: [laughs] Oh, Peter!
 * Peter: Hehehehehe! Still got it! [the scene freezes, and the camera zooms out to reveal the Griffins' living room, where the scene is shown on a TV]
 * Peter: That was me. I used to think flatulence was something to laugh about. Truth is, 300,000,000 Americans a day expel gas through their anus. To learn more about flatulence, you can visit my ass. [farts again, then laughs] Just yankin' ya. [scene fades to black for a moment, then back in again; Peter farts once more]