Firesign Theatre



The Firesign Theatre is a troupe of "4 or 5 Crazee Guys", known for their series of comedy albums.

Waiting for the Electrician or Someone Like Him (1968)

 * Speaking for the great white father in Washington and all the American people, let me say we respect you savages for your native ability to instantly adapt and survive in whatever Godforsaken wilderness we move you to. Out there. Sign here.
 * Oh my White Brother.
 * Hey man, don't let 'em bring you down now. There's a lot of young people in this country just like myself who really know where the Indian's at.  And don't worry, soon we're all gonna be out here on the reservation, living like Indians, and dressing like Indians, and doing all the simple, beautiful things that you Indians do.  You got any peyote?
 * Gentlemen, gentlemen! I won't take any more credit for this victory than necessary. Lord Kitschener did not - nay, will not - die in vain, grid willing. [Applause] Gentlemen, gentlemen - I, as leader, will use power like a drum, and leadership like a violin. Take out any idea. Compare ideas, with the one idea left we are left you have no doubt and without a doubt we have enthusiasm! Gentlemen, gentlemen, please, gentlemen - to make life whole, it's as easy as a bridge! Now, now, gentle- gentlemen, now that we have obtained control we must pull together as one - like a twin! Keeping the prophecy of power as enthusiasm! All for one!
 * All for one!
 * - and all for one!
 * All for one!
 * Let me hear it for me!
 * You're under arrest!


 * String him up!
 * Anyone got any string?
 * [Later] Lynch him!
 * Anybody got any lynch?

How Can You Be In Two Places At Once When You're Not Anywhere At All (1969)

 * Happy motoring and back to the freeway which is already in progress.
 * Just remember: Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain, he died in Washington D.C.
 * Oh, he's no fun, he fell right over.
 * The pyramid is opening!
 * Which one?
 * The one with the ever-widening hole in it!


 * The President of these United States is named "Schicklgruber".
 * Come on big fella - take this guitar! Put on this wide belt and work shirt and tell it like it was!
 * "Stop"! It wasn't always like that. No, first they had to come from little towns with strange names like: Smegma, Spasmodic, Frog, and the far flung Isles of Langerhans.
 * What do you think they took? "Oil from Canada, gold from Mexico, geese from the neighbor's backyard - boom boom. Corn from the Indians, tobacco from the Indians, Dakota from the Indians, New Jersey from the Indians, New Hampshire from the Indians, New England from the Indians, New Delhi from the Indians" - Indonesia for the Indonesians! Yes, and Veteran's Day.
 * One shining steel rail, from sea to mighty sea, from coast to mighty coast, from Bangor all the way to mighty Maine!
 * So how about that, Mr. Smarty Pants Communist? Mr. College Professor? Mr. Beatnik? Mr. Hippie? What have you done for me lately?
 * I'd like to order a pizza to go with no anchovies.
 * No anchovies? --- you've got the wrong man. I spell my name "Danger".


 * You can wait here in the sitting room, or sit here in the waiting room...
 * Catherwood: Let me introduce myself. I am Nick Danger.
 * Danger: No, let me introduce myself. i am Nick Danger.
 * Catherwood: If you're so smart, why don't you pick up your cues faster?
 * Danger: Are those my cues?
 * Catherwood: Yes, and they should be dry by now; why don't you pull them up out of the cellophane before they scorch! All rightcha. may I take your hat and goat? Ah.  I assume you've come to see my mistress, Mr. Danger.
 * Danger: I don't care about your private life, or what his name is.


 * Catherwood: Nancy! Who is that ugly dwarf with his hand down your throat?
 * Rococo: Rocky Rococo, at your cervix.


 * Danger: Well, it's like in the Army, you know? The great prince issues commands, founds states, vests families with fiefs -- Inferior people should not be employed.
 * Bradshaw: Nick, I can't knock success, but you still put me through too many changes!

Don't Crush that Dwarf, Hand Me the Pliers (1970)
Theme Song
 * Porgy Tirebiter!
 * He's a spy and a girl delighter,
 * Orgie Firefighter!
 * He's a student like you.
 * If you're looking for a Captain of the Ringball Team,
 * You can bet he won't be there.
 * You'll find him pa-popping off at Pop's Sodium Shoppe,
 * Tr-trailing a red, with red hair.
 * Doobie doo-wah...
 * Porgy Tirebiter!
 * He's a student like you!
 * (PORGY:) "Like me?!"
 * He's a student like you!
 * (Father:) "Stop singing and finish your homework !"
 * He's a student like you! ooooooooooo..."


 * Shoes for Industry!
 * Coming Mother!
 * 10-4, Eleanor
 * Offer not good after curfew in sectors R or N
 * Don't eat with your hands son, use your entrenching tool!
 * I don't know why you people seem to think this is magic. It's just this little chromium switch here.
 * Your future insecurity is guaranteed by the Department of Redundancy Department and the Natural Guard.

I Think We're All Bozos On This Bus (1971)

 * Here comes another one, just like the other one
 * Well sure, Mr. President! Where can I get a job?!
 * Why does the porridge bird lay his egg in the air?
 * Geez, I'm standing here like an idiot, talking to myself. Might as well stand on this line like an idiot, talking to myself.
 * When you clock the human race with the stopwatch of history, it's a new record every time!

The Giant Rat of Sumatra

 * Hemlock Stones: Aha!
 * Flotsam: What is it, Stones?
 * Hemlock Stones: I sat on my pipe!

The Case of the Missing Shoe

 * Danger: Pathetic! Either Acme was walking around with only one shoe, or there was something seriously wrong with our sound-effects man.
 * (off mic) Something wrong with you, Eddie?

Dear Friends

 * The reading today is from the book of Punter, Chapter 9, Verse 17: "All we have to fear is me."
 * And lo, there came unto them Philip called Punter. And he was Lilian Roth in his extremity. "Merrily, merrily," he says unto them saying, "Merrily, merrily for I am come." And he came, and he came unto the house of his mother's brother's servants saying, "Lo! Where am I?" and there was none there to answer him, not even no one saying, "Nowhere, yea, but in the land of reversible cups and sanitary pedestals." And he lay in that land a long time, like worms on a hot cheese log.
 * If you have kids like I KNOW I do...