Frasier (season 8)


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Frasier was an American TV situation comedy, a spin-off of the television show Cheers, which aired from 1993–2004. It follows the life of a psychiatrist who has returned to his home town of Seattle to reconnect with his father and brother following his divorce and rebuild his life as a talk radio host and high society socialite.

And the Dish Ran Away With the Spoon (1) [8.1]

 * Martin and Frasier observe the conversation between Niles and Mel. Frasier still has the figurine that Donny gave him
 * Frasier: Isn't this all too typical? Niles leaves his wife for another woman, he gets a gift; I try to do the right thing, I get Mr Chump and a lawsuit!


 * Niles explains to Frasier and Martin about Mel's condition that he play the doting husband in public
 * Niles: Well, since we eloped, some of Mel's colleagues decided to throw a little last-minute get-together to toast our nuptials.
 * Martin: Well, after Donny gets through with Frasier, you won't be the only one havin' your nuptials toasted.

And the Dish Ran Away With the Spoon (2) [8.2]

 * Frasier is watching his brother at the wedding reception
 * Frasier: Look at him, over-acting. Trying to convince everybody he's happily married. Have you ever seen anything so pathetic in your life?
 * Martin: How about you and Lilith?
 * Frasier: It was a rhetorical question!


 * When a photographer approaches the "happy couple" at the reception, Niles becomes more nervous than ever
 * Photographer: How about a kiss?
 * Niles: All right! I hardly know you, but…

The Great Crane Robbery [8.4]

 * Frasier is just leaving Café Nervosa when Mel arrives to see Niles
 * Frasier: Ah, Mel.
 * Mel: (icily) Frasier. You're looking...
 * Frasier: (hastily) And you. We must do this again. (exits)


 * Daphne arrives to find the apartment devoid of any furniture
 * Daphne: Well, I'm glad I went to three different stores to find your organic furniture polish.
 * Frasier: Well, Daphne, chin up. You can always use it to polish the floors.
 * Daphne: Oh yes. When God closes a door he opens a window(!)

Taking Liberties [8.5]

 * Frasier observes that Niles is in a good mood, so Niles explains that he plans to disregard Mel's instructions and take Daphne out
 * Niles: Mel be damned! Daphne and I are going to have a romantic evening together at my apartment. Not only that; she's going in my car, in my back seat, under a pile of my coats and blankets!


 * Ferguson: Manchester, right?
 * Daphne: Is it that obvious?
 * Ferguson: To me it is. My mum's from Manchester. Used to scream her lungs out for United.
 * Daphne: Is that so? My Uncle Jack once tried to get Bobby Charlton's autograph, until Bobby cracked him over the head with a can of lager. Twelve stitches, and he still has the can!

Legal Tender Love and Care [8.6]

 * Martin: Hey, Abby, have you heard this one? How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
 * Abby: I don't know. How many cops planted it there?
 * Frasier: Thrust and parry, Dad.


 * Abby announces that dinner is on her, or rather, the firm
 * Frasier: I couldn't let you do that, Abby. I wanted to pay for dinner.
 * Martin: Don't worry; you are.


 * Abby: I can't believe I was going to sleep with you!
 * [Throws him out of her office.]
 * Frasier: You still can!

The New Friend [8.7]

 * Frasier gives Roz his little "guilt offering". Each is unaware that the other has been spending time with Luke
 * Roz: Oh, Frasier, I don't deserve your friendship.
 * Frasier: No, I do not deserve your friendship.
 * Niles: I deserve my own table. Excuse me. (exit)


 * Niles has overheard Roz and Frasier surreptitiously phoning Luke to arrange or cancel plans for the evening. He is now leaving
 * Frasier: Oh, Niles. Listen: as it turns out I am available for that concert…
 * Niles: No, you're not.

Mary Christmas [8.8]

 * Kelly Kirkland no longer co-hosts the Christmas parade with her husband
 * Frasier: She's discovered that Cal's been having an affair with a cue card girl.
 * Roz: How did she catch him? Did she find a giant love letter in his pocket?


 * Now that Ballantine has been discontinued, Martin is not looking forward to Christmas
 * Daphne: Christmas is about more than beer, Mr Crane.
 * Niles: Yeah, and this year's extra special 'cos Daphne and I are together.
 * Martin: Well, that's true. No more Mel, no Maris, no Lilith...Maybe I won't need beer this Christmas.

Frasier's Edge [8.9]

 * Dr. Tewkesbury ascertains that Frasier's ex-wife is a psychiatrist
 * Tewkesbury: Well, that's a handy choice for someone who'd rather share ideas than emotions.
 * Frasier: Have you ever met Lilith?
 * Tewkesbury: No.
 * Frasier: (stuttering) Well, she happens to be a very warm and loving woman!


 * It is nearly time for Frasier's award presentation, and he has still not arrived
 * Niles: He'll be here in a minute. Just go up there and stall.
 * Kenny: Stall? (beat) Stall?!
 * Niles: Yes, like that.

Motor Skills [8.11]

 * Frasier is driving Chelsea to see her first opera. Niles and Daphne are in the back seat
 * Chelsea: Oh, this is gonna be a whole new experience for me.
 * Daphne: Why, you've never been bored before?


 * Niles realizes that students who coast through class are simply frustrated
 * Frasier: So when Billy Kriezel tried to stuff you into your locker after math class, he wasn't really mad at you; he was mad at Pythagoras.
 * Niles: Which is ironic, because a simple volume equation would have shown him I couldn't fit.

The Show Must Go Off [8.12]

 * Niles: It's like we wished it to happen, and then it did. Half of me feels guilty, the other half feels relieved... actually, it's about 30-70.


 * Frasier: He has no instincts. He just stinks.

Sliding Frasiers [8.13]

 * Frasier is about to go speed dating, and is explaining the idea to Roz
 * Frasier: Basically, it's all the stress and humiliation of a blind date... times twelve.

Hungry Heart [8.14]

 * Frasier is darting between Kenny and his wife in the apartment. Martin has not seen either of them
 * Frasier: Dad, I thought you were going to clear out tonight. I've got a date!
 * Enter Kenny
 * Kenny: Doc, I need you in the bedroom. (exit)
 * Martin: (pause) Pretty.


 * Daphne has tripped over
 * Martin: What happened?
 * Niles: Oh, Daphne tripped on something and fell.
 * Martin: Where's Eddie? Oh my god, Eddie! Eddie! (Eddie runs into the scene and jumps on the couch) (Martin sighs of relief) Oh, there he is. I thought maybe he ran away or something.
 * Niles: Oh darling, look at that, your ankle's swelling up already. (Points to it)
 * Daphne: It's the other one!
 * Martin: Here, let me give you a hand.
 * Daphne: Yeah, and no cracks, old man! I know I've gotten heavy and I've resolved to do something about it.
 * Martin: All right, on three. One, two, three! (Martin and Niles lift without results) Maybe the super has a hand truck.
 * Daphne: Kill me!
 * Frasier: (enters) Good lord, what happened?
 * Niles: Daphne twisted her ankle and fell. Come help us lift her.
 * Martin: Okay, boys, be careful. Use your legs. (The Crane men lift Daphne up)
 * Daphne: Oh, bloody hell! I'm wearing two different shoes!
 * (Doorbell rings, Frasier goes to answer it, while Niles helps Daphne to her room)
 * Martin: Daphne, I just thought of somethin' funny: It took three Cranes to lift you!

Hooping Cranes [8.15]

 * Roz cannot take the basketball tickets that Frasier has been given
 * Roz: I have a date with this French guy, Jean-Pierre.
 * Frasier: So that's it, huh? No Americans left.


 * Frasier finally loses patience with Niles' basking in glory
 * Frasier: The story is: one upon a time, Niles Crane accidentally made a basket. The End!

DocuDrama [8.15]

 * During the argument with Roz, Frasier obliquely threatens to walk out
 * Frasier: Well, I'm just saying that alienating me isn't probably in the best interests of the show.
 * Roz: Well, maybe "the show" would be better off without you.
 * Frasier: Well, then maybe I should just leave "the show".
 * Roz: Well, maybe that's what "the show" wants you to do.
 * Frasier: Well then, "the show" can BITE ME! (exit)


 * Frasier: If I used you, it was only as the swift and terrible sword of Justice!

It Takes Two to Tangle [8.17]

 * Niles distracts William while Frasier speaks to his mother about Bryce Academy
 * Niles: I overheard one of the servers discussing a one-act play he wants your mother to produce.
 * William: Okay, which one?
 * Niles: I think it was something by Chekhov.

Forgotten But Not Gone [8.18]

 * After a very uninspiring Wine Corner, Frasier signs off with a remark about wine getting better with age, like a good woman
 * Roz: Aww, do you really believe that?
 * Frasier: Oh, who cares, Roz? I stopped listening to myself ten minutes ago!


 * Frasier is sharing his thoughts on a wine with Martin, in his usual verbose fashion
 * Frasier: You don't think it's clear that I enjoy the wine?
 * Martin: I don't think it's clear you're talking about wine.

Daphne Returns [8.19]

 * In the midst of the argument
 * Niles: I can't read minds, you know. And by the way, neither can you!
 * Daphne: Are you saying you don't think I'm psychic?!
 * Niles: Not if you thought I loved your cooking!


 * Daphne: You’re a pretentious snob, with your wine and your opera.
 * Niles: You NEVER GIVE OPERA A CHANCE!

The Wizard and Roz [8.20]

 * Dr. Tewksbury has been observing Niles and Daphne in Café Nervosa. Roz explains Daphne's belief that she is psychic
 * Tewksbury: Well, no matter who's right or wrong, Niles needs to set up stricter boundaries with his patients. I learned that from years of practice.
 * Roz: No, she's not his patient; she's his girlfriend.
 * Tewkesbury: Oh well, in that case, no matter who's right or wrong, he's wrong. I learned that from years of marriage.

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 * At the last minute, Niles changes his mind and asks not to be given the results of the test
 * Daphne: Sorry, Dr. Morey. We've wasted your time.
 * Morey: It's OK. Eddie told me a couple of funny jokes while we were waiting.
 * Niles and Daphne look taken aback
 * Morey: I'm kidding!...They weren't that funny.

A Passing Fancy [8.22]

 * Frasier has just introduced Kirby to Roz
 * Kirby: She has gotta be pretty distracting around the office, huh?
 * Frasier: Well, yes, sometimes, but she's union, so you put up with it.

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 * Frasier thinks of a way to persuade Roz to help him out
 * Kirby: So, how you gonna get her to go with me?
 * Frasier: Oh, you just leave that up to me and Mr. Bruce Springsteen.
 * Kirby: The Boss!
 * Frasier: No, Bruce Springsteen.

A Day in May [8.23]

 * Niles: I'd hardly call this a dog park. (looks around) It's more like a dog...orgy. Whose beagles are those?
 * Daphne: Don't stare. It only encourages them.

Cranes Go Caribbean [8.24]

 * Frasier: Niles, I'm sorry. It turns out Claire and I are going to Belize after all. You and Daphne will have to go some place else.
 * Niles: Wait. Daphne has her heart set to Belize.
 * Frasier: Niles, this is not Cranes Go Caribbean! I want to be alone with Claire.

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 * Frasier has had a car accident because of Lana and will miss his flight
 * Frasier: At least whoever gets my seat on the plane will be happy.