Frasier (season 9)


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Frasier was an American TV situation comedy, a spin-off of the television show Cheers, which aired from 1993–2004. It follows the life of a psychiatrist who has returned to his home town of Seattle to reconnect with his father and brother following his divorce and rebuild his life as a talk radio host and high society socialite.

Don Juan in Hell (Part 1) [9.1]

 * Frasier is waiting to retrieve some lost luggage. Bob Gardner walks in. This is the first time they meet
 * Bob: Have you been waiting here long?
 * Frasier: Time is irrelevant here in the Seventh Circle of Hell.


 * Kirby's ex-girlfriend has just arrived unexpectedly at his graduation party, and is furious when she meets his “other lady”
 * Roz: I was never his lady.
 * Kirby: Damn, baby, that’s cold!
 * Kristi: She’s old enough to be your mother, practically.
 * Roz: Damn, baby, now that’s cold!

Don Juan in Hell (Part 2) [9.2]

 * Frasier is consoling Lana after Bob leaves
 * Lana: You are a really good f...
 * Frasier: Don’t. Don’t use the F word.
 * Lana: (laughs) I wasn’t about to! I was gonna say we’re friends!


 * Diane: She tried to kill me once.
 * Hester: Oh, not this paranoia again!
 * Diane: You had a gun.

The First Temptation of Daphne [9.3]

 * The cricket in the apartment is driving Frasier insane
 * Frasier: Dear God, can't You make him shut up?!
 * Martin: That prayer doesn't get answered around here.


 * [Daphne knocks at the door of Niles's office]
 * Niles: Well, this is an unexpected treat.
 * Daphne: Niles, I have something to tell you.
 * Niles: Is it that I am the sexiest man you've ever known?
 * Daphne: No. I-I mean, yes, you are. That's not why I'm here.

Love Stinks [9.5]

 * Frasier quotes an injurious limerick about himself to Niles
 * Frasier: "There once was a man, Frasier Crane / Who says he can feel your pain, / But he acts like a snob / To the guys at his job / And I think he's totally lame."
 * Niles: That's terrible! There's a tense shift, an approximate rhyme, the scansion leaves a lot to be desired…
 * Frasier: Niles, you're missing the point!


 * Daphne has told Niles that as a child she could not pronounce her own name, so her family called her "Dappy"
 * Niles: Oh, Dad! You'll never guess what silly nickname Daphne was called as a child!
 * Martin: Is it worse than Piles?

Bla-Z Boy [9.7]

 * Frasier and Niles are discussing their father, while the chair catches fire unnoticed
 * Frasier: You know, I've been thinking of sending him someplace.
 * Niles: Like to a resort?
 * Frasier: Like to live with you.
 * Niles: Oh, yes. The last resort.

The Two Hundredth [9.8]

 * Roz: It's time for another blooper.
 * Frasier: Ah, yes. We're up to number four, as voted by you, the listeners. Here's what happened when a certain Producer didn't realize her microphone was on during the show...
 * Roz: [on tape] Now what the [beep] is this? You call this a [beep] paycheck? How the [beep] am I supposed to live on this [beep]? I'm gonna have a little word with that [beep]-damn Station Manager, walking around here like he owns the mother-[beep]-ing place!
 * Kenny Daly: [who's entered] Can't believe that wasn't voted number one.


 * [Frasier is obsessing over the absence of one tape from his collection.]
 * Frasier: That's it. I'm quirky. I'm delightfully quirky.
 * Niles: Do you realize that your delightful quirk has brought your life to a standstill?
 * Frasier: Niles, I've just finished my two thousandth show. I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally. I believe that I am entitled to an entire weekend of doing nothing, don't you?
 * Niles: Do you know you have your pyjamas on backwards?
 * Frasier: Another delightful quirk of mine.
 * Niles: Not from where I'm sitting.
 * [When Frasier gets a lead on a missing tape.]
 * Frasier: I'll put on some pants.
 * Niles Crane: Zipper goes in front.


 * [Daphne is moping about losing Frasier's tape, so Martin shows her how he's covered up breaking a lot of Frasier's "treasures."]
 * Martin: See that fertility god over there? It used to be a lot more fertile, if you know what I mean.

Sharing Kirby [9.9]

 * Kirby: It's true. I'm a hopeless screw-up, just like my priest said!

Junior Agent [9.10]

 * Frasier: And screw, may I add, you!


 * Frasier: She took your pants, you know!
 * Kenny Daley: I know!

Bully for Martin [9.11]

 * Niles: [about Martin] You're a grown man. You're still scared of him.
 * Frasier: Well, you're a grown man. You're still scared of him, too.
 * Niles: Yeah, well, at least I have a girlfriend.
 * Frasier: Shut up.

Mother Load (1) [9.12]

 * [Frasier has successfully argued a motion forcing Cam Winston to park his Hummer in the sub-basement, citing pollution concerns.]
 * Cam Winston: Listen, Crane, you may have bamboozled the condo board, but we both know you just want more room to swing your fat ass into that BMW!


 * Cam: You do your share of polluting with that substitute for masculinity you're driving.
 * Frasier: If mine's a substitute for masculinity, then what is yours?
 * Cam: Bigger!


 * Frasier: This land is rich with snow- covered mountains, sun-kissed beaches, wild untamed rivers and a, a warm loving people ready to embrace you. Immerse yourself in the spectacle and the grandeur that are these United States, this America! (a large American flag drapes over his window)
 * Niles: How did you do that?
 * Frasier: [enraged] Cam Winston!

Mother Load (2) [9.13]

 * [Frasier refuses to let Simon bring a woman into his apartment]
 * Simon: [to Frasier] Well, you're just a big contraceptive, aren't you?


 * [Frasier has been kept awake for several nights because of Cam Winston draping a giant American flag over his window]
 * Daphne: Still awake, Doctor Crane?
 * Frasier: Yes. It's almost dawn's early light... and our flag is still there.

The Proposal [9.15]

 * [Frasier has just found out his mother was pregnant with him at her wedding.]
 * Frasier: You knew?
 * Niles: Well, do you remember that time I had the chickenpox? Mom told me to cheer me up.


 * Frasier: Excuse me, Mr. Puck?
 * Wolfgang Puck: [annoyed] Yes, Dr. Crane?
 * Frasier: It's just that, I couldn't help noticing that the crab cakes are getting a bit... brown.
 * Wolfgang Puck: They're getting "beautifully crunchy."
 * Frasier: I see. Because when I said, "brown," I actually meant more like "black," like "burned."
 * Wolfgang Puck: They're Cajun!


 * Niles: Daphne Moon, will you, and your beautiful toes and your exquisite ankles and your precious knees, elbows and arms and fingers, shoulders... [holds up the ring] Will you marry me?
 * Daphne: Oh, Niles! Of course, I will.

Wheels of Fortune [9.16]

 * Frasier refuses to be taken in by Blaine's apparent disability
 * Daphne: Dr. Crane, the man is in a wheelchair.
 * Frasier: Which means that somewhere, someone is missing a wheelchair!


 * Blaine: I've started a ministry to save souls the way the Lord saved mine.
 * Frasier: What genius(!) The Lord! A credible partner who doesn't take a cut.


 * Blaine: Talk about a butt load of poetic justice.
 * Niles: Yes, I believe that is the basic unit of poetic justice.

Three Blind Dates [9.17]

 * Niles is trying to orchestrate a chance meeting between Frasier and Lisa in the bookshop, by sending his brother on errands
 * Frasier: Good Heavens, Niles, what am I? Your lackey?
 * Niles: No, no, no. I'm just engrossed in this "Heroes of Nas-Car."


 * After an argument with a shop assistant, Frasier leaves indignantly, dragged by Niles
 * Frasier: You know, by the way: you have an alphabetical misfile, but I'm not telling you where!

War of the Words [9.18]

 * John: Well, cameras never lie and cheaters never prosper.
 * Frasier: And you never shut up!


 * Niles encourages Frederick to leave with his dignity intact, but then John Clayton scornfully says he will probably end up in a state school
 * Niles: How DARE you! [to Frederick] Can you take him?
 * Frederick: Yeah!
 * Niles: Then spell his ass off!

Deathtrap [9.19]

 * [Frasier and Niles find a skull]
 * Niles: Maybe it's a builder that got trapped, or an exterminator that was overcome with fumes.
 * Frasier: Probable solutions, Niles. However, neither is possible.
 * Niles: Why not?
 * Frasier: Because when you die, your head does not pop off like a champagne cork!

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 * Niles: I think this rock may be the murder weapon.
 * Frasier: Why that rock instead of all the other rocks down there?
 * Niles: It's pointier.

The Love You Fake [9.20]

 * [The leak in Frasier's ceiling is traced to Cam Winston's laundry room in the unit above.]
 * Frasier: Have you ever heard of anything more... fury-inspiring!
 * Daphne: I certainly have not. Imagine the cheek of the man, installing an illegal washer-dryer!
 * Joe: Oh, they're not illegal, a lot of the units have them. You guys have a hookup in that hall closet where you keep all those hats...
 * [Daphne, in the middle of folding the latest load she's brought up from the basement laundry room, glares at Frasier.]
 * Frasier: First of all, I had completely forgotten about the hookup. Second of all, I believe the homburg is poised for a comeback!

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 * [Daphne is angling for Frasier to buy a washer-dryer. Frasier has discovered an odd sock.]
 * Frasier: I will not be strong-armed by threats against my laundry!
 * Daphne: [unperturbed] Suit yourself. I'm off to do a load of your pinks. [exits]
 * Frasier: I don't have any pinks.
 * Daphne: [from the kitchen] You will.

Cheerful Goodbyes (9.21)

 * Carla snaps in the middle of her valediction speech to Cliff
 * Carla: (getting angrier and angrier as she talks) It sticks in my mouth like your rotten deviled eggs. I hate your guts! I hate the way you talk and talk and talk about nothing, the way you walk, your stupid white socks...
 * Frasier: Carla...
 * Carla: Knock off! I'm toasting! [to Cliff] The twenty years I have known you would have been less painful if I was covered with open sores and thrown into a pit with a bunch of diseased rats. But now, finally you're leaving, I know I'm not as young as I used to be but I can live again, I can live again! Finally I can live, I can live!! [Noticing that everybody is shocked] Anyway...God bless.

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 * Cliff: What's goin' down, Norm?
 * Norm: My blood alcohol level. [to his beer] Suds, do your work.

The Guilt Trippers [9.23]

 * [Frasier and Roz have slept together]
 * Frasier: Do you know what she's going to see when she looks at me now?
 * Martin: Your naked body?
 * Frasier: Oh, dear God! I was gonna say, "Somebody who's betrayed her trust," but...oh, dear God!

Moons Over Seattle [9.24]

 * Niles offers to pay for Daphne's father to fly back with him to Seattle
 * Harry: I can't have you buying me a first-class ticket to America!
 * Niles: [pauses] I insist!

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 * Harry is on the point of leaving to return home. Niles begs him to stay a little longer to spend time with Daphne
 * Niles: I'll put you up in a hotel.
 * Harry: I can't let you buy me a suite in a five-star hotel!

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 * Niles: Mr. Moon, I'm sorry I dragged you all the way to America.
 * Harry: Oh, it wasn't all that bad. I got to see Daphne. And that hotel was brilliant! The towels were so fluffy I could barely close me suitcase.

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 * Daphne: So that's how it goes: two people meet, they're together for forty years, and then all of a sudden it just ends.
 * Harry: But it's different for you! I mean, you've found the right person.
 * Daphne: You barely know him.
 * Harry: Well, all I know is, I threw him out of my pub six times, and six times he marched back in and yammered me ear off until, until I went back with him to America - all to make YOU happy! I never did anything like that for your mother. No no, I tell you, Daphne, you've got the right one there. A good one, you know? And another thing. [rubs his fingers together] He's worth a bob or two.