Freakazoid!

Freakazoid! (1995–1997) is an American animated television series featuring a madcap superhero named Freakazoid. It was produced by and Warner Bros. Animation.

Five Day Forecast/Dance of Doom/Handman [1.1]

 * Announcer: Terror grips a peaceful city. Terror that wears a loin cloth. His real name is Royce Mumphry, but police in five states know him as Cave Guy. Yes, Cave Guy: hostile, powerful, but also highly intelligent.
 * Cave Guy: I subscribe to The New Yorker. [laughs snootily]
 * Announcer: Only one hero can track down Cave Guy. Only one hero has the heart to fight this fiend. That hero is... [silhouette of Batman appears on the screen] on another network. Thus, we have no choice but to turn to this fellow. A teenage nerd, or is he...?


 * Freakazoid: [in tough guy voice] Nothing will stand in my way!
 * Cosgrove: Hey, Freakazoid! Wanna get a mint?
 * Freakazoid: [in normal voice] OK!


 * Freakazoid: Low Bridge! Everybody Down, Low Bridge! Cave guy's underwear is brown! Brown, Brown, It looks like he's got the cooties, ootie! Goodbyyyyyye! Stop ya singing now! End the singing songs, stop, go. Enough with the songs, stop, [In quite voice] Bring it down, come down...(The people come down) Everybody "Shh, Shh" On this side of the room. Everybody, Shh Shh Shh... EVERYBODY DOWN!


 * Freakazoid: Steph, you fibbed to Dex about washing your hair. If this were an afterschool special, oh, you would pay a bittersweet price for your little deceit. Like getting big oily zits! Or eating off the same plate as David Lee Roth! EW! BLUH! GOH! EW! OH! IT'S THE PLATE... AND HES BEEN ON IT! DON'T YOU UNDER... OW! THINK ABOUT IT! I'LL BE OVER TALKING TO JILL!


 * Jeepers: You want to see something strange and mystical?
 * Freakazoid: NO! GET OUTTA HERE WITH THAT WATCH! LAY OFF THE POOR BEAVERS, WILL YA?!? SHEESH! YOU'RE A CREEP! GO AWAY! WE WERE HAVING A GOOD TIME UNTIL YOU SHOWED UP, JEEPERS! UGH! GO HAVE SOME COFFEE, WITH CREAM, OR SOMETHING! BECAUSE I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING: THIS IS A HAPPY PLACE!
 * Big Bad Wolf: Pipe Down, You're Not the boss of me now!


 * The Lobe: No one can save you this time, Freakazoid!
 * Freakazoid: That's where you're wrong, Lobe! My new sidekick will save me.
 * The Lobe: Oh yeah? Well, where is he?
 * Handman: I'm right here!
 * Freakazoid: Handman! You've come in the nick of time!
 * Handman: I wouldn't let you down, Freakabazaal! Oh, I'm sorry, it's Freakazee. Uh, Freakabee.
 * Freakazoid: No. Freakazoid.
 * Handman: Freakazoy.
 * Freakazoid: No. Freakazoid.
 * Handman: Freakazee! Freeballoo! Meemalar!
 * Freakazoid: No. Say it with me. Frea.
 * Handman: Frea.
 * Freakazoid: Ka.
 * Handman: Ka.
 * Freakazoid: Zoid.
 * Handman: Peterson! No! Freakazoid! Freakazoid. [kisses up to Freakazoid]
 * Freakazoid: Hey, stop it! Pardon me, my mouth is a bit parched. [drinks a glass of water while Handman makes gulping noises] Aah! Thank you. That was a-very refreshing!
 * The Lobe: Oh, just stop!
 * Freakazoid: What?
 * The Lobe: This is stupid.
 * Freakazoid: You're calling my sidekick stupid?
 * The Lobe: That's not a proper sidekick; that's just your hand.
 * Freakazoid: No it isn't.
 * The Lobe: Yes it is!
 * Freakazoid: No it isn't!
 * The Lobe: Yes it is! It's just your hand, you simpleton!
 * Handman: No, take a closer look. [The Lobe does so] Closer... Closer still... Hold it right there. [punches The Lobe, knocking him into his artillery]


 * The Lobe: It's the waiting around that kills me.

Candle Jack/Toby Danger in Doomsday Bet/The Lobe [1.2]

 * Buzz: The scariest thing in the world would be... if all the air in the world turned to WOOD!
 * [The children gasp]
 * Girl: Okay, like, the scariest thing in the world would be... if like you went to grab something and it wasn't there!
 * [The children stare blankly]
 * Girl: .... Because it turned to WOOD!
 * [The children gasp]
 * Freakazoid: [grinning] The scariest thing in the world would be... if they gave Sinbad another TV show! [All the children scream and flee in terror.]
 * [Later]
 * Other Kid: You don't really believe in that stuff, about Sinbad getting another TV show, do you Buzz?
 * Buzz: Nah, the broadcasting industry has all sorts of safeguards to prevent that sort of thing.


 * [Freakazoid keeps trying to take flight to no avail.]
 * Freakazoid: Uhg! Hng! Up! UP! GO UP! FLY!
 * Steff: Freakazoid, you don't fly.
 * Freakazoid: Oh, right.


 * Buzz: The guy you want to look out for is Candle Jack.
 * Other Kid: Candle Jack? Who's that?
 * Buzz: He's the Boogeyman. Y'know, the for-real one! He snatches kids from their bed and takes them away.... and they never come back.
 * Other Kid: Why does he do that?
 * Buzz: Because he's a nut.
 * Other Kid: Well, how does he get you?
 * Buzz: That's the thing. He can't, as long as you don't say his name. So just don't say it, okay?
 * Other Kid: Okay. Good night!
 * [They lie down and go to bed]
 * Other Kid: Hey, we did say his name!
 * Buzz: Well... maybe he didn't hear us.
 * [Candle Jack rises up from between them]
 * Candle Jack: Hello, boys!


 * Girls: Look! It's Candle Jack!
 * All: CANDLE JACK!
 * Candle Jack: I'm gonna need more rope.


 * Freakazoid: Well, if it isn't...
 * Steff and kids: NO!
 * Freakazoid: What? I was just gonna say...
 * Steff and kids: NO!
 * Dr. Hanker: Don't say it!
 * Freakazoid: Don't say what?
 * Steff: Don't say his name!
 * Freakazoid: You mean "don't say Candle Jack"?
 * [quick cut to Freakazoid now tied up]
 * Steff: Freakazoid, why did you say his name?
 * Freakazoid: 'Cause I-I wanted to do one of those funny things, like on - you ever watch F Troop? - where Agarn says "There's no way I'm wearin' a dress! Absolutely not! No dress!" And Forrest Tucker's like, "Yeah, you're wearin' that dress! You're gonna wear that dress!" And they wipe - blblblblblblblb - and Agarn's wearin' a dress!
 * [quick cut to a clip from F Troop of Agarn, crossdressed]
 * Agarn: YOO-HOO! LOCO BROTHERS! LOOK WHO'S HERE FOR YOU!
 * Candle Jack: Oh, I love that bit!


 * Paul Harvey-type announcer: I think there's a thumbtack under my fanny.


 * [All the Dangers gasp when looking upon a photo of the villian.]
 * "Dash" O'Pepper: I knew it! It's some guy in a helmet!


 * "Dash" O'Pepper: Just let me throw a barrel at it!


 * The Lobe: [just before being blown up] I feel so used...

Mo-Ron/The Sewer Rescue/The Big Question/The Legends Who Lunch [1.3]

 * Announcer: We interrupt our regularly scheduled program to bring you this special report from The WB Network.
 * Freakazoid: What exactly is The WB? Can someone tell me this? What's it mean, The WB? The Water Bucket? The Wimpy Boy? The Wet Bananas?! I don't know! What, the Weird Butt?! What? I'm asking!
 * Announcer: This has been a special report from The Weird Butt Network. We now join Freakazoid! already in progress.


 * Lord Bravery: [talking to his mother-in-law] Most people your age die. Why won't you?


 * Freakazoid: Now, now, ladies, there's plenty of me for everybody - if not, I'll just have 'em draw me bigger.

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 * Alien: I have traveled many millions of lightyears across forty billion galaxies to come here for the answer to a vital question that concerns the entire universe.
 * Bill Clinton: And what is that question?
 * Alien: Please tell us - that doll Barbie... what's the name of her little sister?
 * [Freakazoid and Clinton look at each other, puzzled]
 * Bill Clinton: I think it was Pebbles.
 * Freakazoid: Lemme handle this. It's Skipper!
 * Alien: Skipper? Hmmm. [walks back inside his ship] Hey everyone, it's Skipper!

And Fan Boy Is His Name/Lawn Gnomes: Chapter IV - Fun in the Sun/Freak's French Lesson [1.4]

 * Freakazoid: I said, give me another one. Curse your tiny paper hat!

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 * Freakazoid: If I wanna blitz myself into some papaya-induced hallucination that's MY business!

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 * Fan Boy: I've studied everything about you! Like you like to drown your sorrows in papaya juice whenever you lose a sidekick!
 * Freakazoid: That's because I'm allergic to cranapple!

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 * [pan shot of the Freaka-lair]
 * Fan Boy: Where are we?
 * Freakazoid: My Freaka-lair!
 * Fan Boy: I didn't know you had one!
 * Freakazoid: Yeah, we're trying a bunch of new stuff this week. Tryin' to see what sticks.

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 * Freakazoid: Alright, kid. You wanna be my new side kick? You've gotta pass the initiation test.
 * Fan Boy: Challenge me!
 * Freakazoid: Mr. Cameraguy, zip pan to the next scene!
 * ''[Zip pan to a scene with two people standing with windmills in the background]
 * Freakazoid: NO! THE OTHER SCENE! AM I WORKING ALONE HERE?!

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 * Freakazoid: Please! Please leave me alone! I'll give you anything, anything you want if you'll just go away! How about the just written script of Batman IV?
 * Fan Boy: Plucked it off the Internet last night.
 * Freakazoid: An autographed photo of Stan Lee?
 * Fan Boy: Who's that?
 * Freakazoid: No idea.

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 * Fan Boy: Marrrrrrkk...... Hamillllll...
 * Freakazoid: Why settle for a mere sidekick, when Jedi Knighthood awaits?
 * Fan Boy: Yes! The Force is strong in this one!
 * [slowly approaching Mark Hamill]
 * Fan Boy: Luke! Join me!
 * Mark Hamill: Come again?
 * Fan Boy: Join me, and together we can rule the galaxy as Fan Boy and son!
 * Mark Hamill: No! I'll never join you!
 * Fan Boy: It is your destiny!

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 * Rathgar: Your willingness to change has so impressed me that I will affect a different curse.
 * Young Quist: Can you make slow, overweight birds appear out of thin air?
 * Rathgar: Yes. But, I won't.

Foamy the Freakadog/Office Visit/Ode to Leonard Nimoy/Emergency Broadcast System [1.5]

 * Fan Boy: Leonard Nimoy, Leonard Nimoy
 * Dear Mister Spock, oh golly gee boy
 * It sure would make me smile and laugh
 * If I could have your autograph
 * If I don't get it, I'll be blue
 * But then I know what I will do
 * I'll call you up on the telephone
 * And bother you when you're at home
 * You hang up, the line goes dead
 * But then a new idea pops in my head
 * I'll visit you right where you live
 * I'll ring on the doorbell and ask if you'll give
 * That autograph I've been waiting for
 * You give it to me, and so much more
 * (BOOM!)
 * Oh thank you, thank you, Mister Spock
 * Now please call Bones; I need a doc.

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 * Narrator: Freakazoid, in stereo where available. And where not available, it's not in stereo. There's nothing we can do about that so don't blame us. We have no control over it. Call your cable company if there's some sort of a problem or the local broadcaster. But if they're not giving you stereo and you want stereo, that's your problem. Not ours. Don't bug us. Complain to your congressman or Newt Gingrich! Like I'm sure he'd care! Ha! But we don't want to get any letters. Understand? Good!

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 * Narrator: The following scene has been deleted by the network censor because it shows a pup making dog water.

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 * Lord Bravery: Look, what don't you understand?
 * Bill: Any of it.
 * Lord Bravery: Listen, it's really quite simple. I take Lord Bravery. She becomes "Helen's Bake Shop", "Helen's Butcher Shop" becomes "Rudy's Butcher Shop", because "Rudy's Hardware And Twine" changes to "Hank's Hardware And Twine" and "Hank's Tires" becomes "Terry's Tires" and if "Terry's Intimate Apparel" changes to "Wendy's Intimate Apparel" requiring Wendy's to change to Johnny's, Johnny's to Ellen's, Ellen's to Frank's, Frank's becomes Enrique's and Enrique's becomes Bill's, which means all you have to do is change your name from "Bill's World Of Paint" to something else!
 * Bill: But I don't want to!
 * Lord Bravery: Why?!
 * Bill: Cos' my name's Bill.

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 * Lord Bravery: What kind of superhero would call himself Lord Smoked Meats and Fishes?
 * Mr. Snarzetti: Ah. One who wants to use the element of surprise.

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 * Freakazoid: [After demonstrating the Emergency Broadcasting System] This was only a test. If there had been an actual emergency, we would have gone like this: AAH! HELP! HELP US! NO! GET US OUT OF HERE! HELP ME! HELP EVERYONE! AAH!

The Chip (Part 1) [1.6]

 * Jack Valenti: We've put together a little motion picture about Freakazoid's origin. It's filled with action and adventure and even features a scene with a man wrestling a bear for no reason.

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 * Business Man: A Freaky-zoid? What's that?
 * Roddy MacStew: That's just what it sounds like Mr. Fancy Man sitting in your chair!

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 * [Roddy is thrown from the top of a building.]
 * Guitierrez: Now, how did that happen? [He begins to chuckle, then pauses at the silence of his colleagues.] Laugh with me!

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 * Announcer: We interrupt this program to increase dramatic tension. Thank you. And now back to our program.

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 * Roddy MacStew: Oh I'm his uh.. [thinking] WHAT SHOULD I SAY! I CANT THINK! SHE'LL NEVER BUY IT! CRUD! CRUD! [out loud] I'm his insurance agent.
 * Mrs. Douglas: Insurance agent? But he's only 17.
 * Roddy MacStew: [thinking] CRUD! I BLEW IT! I BLEW IT! [out loud] Oh no, I meant his driving instructor. It's time for his lesson.
 * Mrs. Douglas: On Christmas Day?
 * Roddy MacStew: He's a very bad driver.

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 * Roddy MacStew: You'll never get away with it Guitierrez!
 * Guitierrez: Get away with what? I haven't said anything yet.
 * Roddy MacStew: Yeah you're right. Sorry, I jumped the gun. My fault.

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 * Mrs Douglas: Dexter? Is that you? How bad a driver are you, hon?

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 * Duncan: Dexter! Open the door, you little dip. I've gotta make tinky.
 * Freakazoid: Well, hi, Sport! You must be Duncan! Nice to meet you, let's wrassle.

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 * Freakazoid: Say Uncle!
 * Duncan: Uncle!
 * Freakazoid: Say Grandma Moses makes munchy meat most Monday mornings!
 * Duncan: Grandma Moses makes munch... much... I can't!

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 * Jack Valenti: But if the movie's rated NC-17, that means kids can't get in; Only adults can get in. Mom doesn't want to see adult movies, but Grandpa was in the army and he's not bothered very much so he decides to stay along with Sgt. Scruffy, who's just a dumb dog anyway. I hope that explains it. Now, back to the cartoon!

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 * Mr. Chubbikins: Meow.
 * Guitierrez: What does that mean? "Meow"? Bring the animal psychologist in! [enter the animal psychologist] Ask the kitty how to activate the flaw.
 * Animal Psychologist: Meow meow meow?
 * Mr. Chubbikins: Meow, meow.
 * Animal Psychologist: Meow?
 * Mr. Chubbikins: Meow meow.
 * Animal Psychologist: He says he's very sad.
 * Guitierrez: Oh, go away.

The Chip (Part 2)/Freakazoid is History [1.7]

 * Roddy MacStew: At least let the lad go!
 * Guitierrez: No, I cannot.
 * Roddy MacStew: Why?
 * Guitierrez: Because he tasks me! He tasks me! 'round the moons of Snivia, I chuckle at thee. Beyond the Corpian clouds I chuckle more at thee. Revenge is a dish best served with pinto beans and muffins! Kirk, old friend, I... Oh, sorry. [He fixes his tie.] Good-bye.

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 * Freakazoid: Note to myself: Cut Dexter out of the main title. Buh bye!

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 * Dexter: No! This can't be happening... I'M FREAKING OUT!
 * [changes into Freakazoid]
 * Freakazoid: [in Groucho Marx voice] I think he just said the secret word!

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 * Roddy MacStew: [voice-over] When you want to change into the Freakazoid, just say "Freak Out." When you want to change back into Dexter, say "Freak In." You're a good lad. I'll be seeing you around.
 * Freakazoid: [crying] That made water come out my eyes.

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 * Freakazoid: ...And then I got sucked into the Internet, and well, here I am.
 * Cosgrove: Y'know what you should do with your powers?
 * Freakazoid: What?
 * Cosgrove: I'd become a superhero, but that's me.
 * Freakazoid: Nah.
 * Cosgrove: You could fight crime.
 * Freakazoid: Nah.
 * Cosgrove: Uphold the truths.
 * Freakazoid: Nah.
 * Cosgrove: Impress the ladies.
 * Freakazoid: OKAY! I'll do it!

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 * Freakazoid: Hey, what is this place? [looks through binoculars] Palm Trees. Hula girls! Pineapples. Hula girls! Surfboards. Hula girls! Hula girls! Hula girls! Of course, it all adds up! I've somehow landed in Norway!

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 * Freakazoid: Have I got time for another gawking-at-the-girls-through-binoculars gag? I like those! [looks through binoculars] Hula girls!

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 * Freakazoid: To Destiny! Hello Destiny! I was seeing your friend Duty! He says very bad things about you!

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 * Voice Over: One day, while saving Air Force One, teen super hero Freakazoid was unexpectedly swept into both a time warp vortex and a T.V. show parody. From that point on and until the segment ends, Freakazoid is lost in time. He is... Quantum Freak!

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 * [Freakazoid views the world he altered.]
 * Freakazoid: Good heavens. It's Rush Limbaugh. He's become a real bleeding-heart liberal and look! Euro Disney is packed! Cold fusion works! No Chevy Chase movies!


 * Brain: Might I inquire is to whom is piloting the aircraft?
 * [As it turns out, Pinky was controlling the plane.]
 * Pinky: [laughs] Zort!

Hot Rods From Heck/A Time For Evil [1.8]

 * Dexter Douglas: I wish I was at home reading funny stories in binary.

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 * Freakazoid: "Hey, so I'm picking up a few bucks. Don't tell the IRS."

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 * Duncan Douglas: We'd be at grandpa's by now if it weren't for Dexter.
 * Dexter Douglas: Hey, I got lost in the desert.
 * Duncan Douglas: And you weren't around to help when that blue guy jumped me again.
 * Mr. Douglas: You're the only one who see this blue guy, Duncan.
 * Duncan Douglas: He's real.
 * Mrs. Douglas: Of course, he's real to you, dear. But that's because, you're probably insane.
 * [Dexter starts laughing. Duncan gets annoyed.]
 * Duncan Douglas: What are you laughing at?!

Relax-O-Vision/Fatman and Boy Blubber/Limbo Lock-Up/Terror Palace [1.9]

 * H. A. Futterman: Good day. I'm H. A. Futterman, professor of broadcast standards here at Kids WB.  And you've just witnessed Relax-O-Vision.  Relax-O-Vision is a... [notices the camera has changed and re-orients himself accordingly]  Relax-O-Vision is a process that inserts calming, mirthful images, into scenes that might be too intense for the kiddos watching at home.  For example, Freakazoid's extremely... [notices the camera has changed and re-orients himself accordingly] Freakazoid's extremely violent brawl with the demon ninjas was replaced with a soothing scene of fishes as they think their happy little pleasant thoughts.  Now, settle back...  [notices the camera has changed and re-orients himself accordingly]  Now, settle back and get ready to enjoy the first cartoon ever broadcasted in calming, save, and kid-friendly Relax-O-Vision.

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 * Freakazoid: [dazed] Anybody for loosemeat sanwiches?

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 * Cave Guy: Now, it's our turn. [he and Kid Carrion laugh maniacally]
 * Freakazoid: BLABLABLABLABLABLABLAAAA! [lunges towards them as Relax-o-Vision cuts in; later, after Cave Guy and Kid Carrion are defeated]
 * Freakazoid: I probably blew the animation budget for the WHOLE season on that one fight.

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 * Fatman: I've got a stitch in my side, and I've lost my freshness!

In Arms Way/The Cloud [1.10]

 * Store clerk: What's Oops Insurance?
 * [Arms Akimbo knocks over jar]
 * Arms Akimbo: Oops.

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 * Arms Akimbo: What's this hee haw!? Stop that!  Fight normal!
 * Freakazoid: [singing] Circle around with a Brooklyn thug, toss him in the aisle with a coffee mug!

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 * Hans: I am Hans. We will take the sky buckets to the observatory. The professor is waiting for you there. Now, come. We mustn't linger. It is not safe here at night.
 * Freakazoid: It's day.
 * Hans: Well then, I suppose we can linger for a moment.

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 * [Freakazoid and Hans are riding "sky buckets" to the top of a mountain]
 * Freakazoid: It's just like at Disneyland!
 * Hans: Not anymore, I'm afraid.
 * Freakazoid: What?
 * Hans: At Disneyland. Zee sky buckets, they are gone, kaput. And zee ride where zey shrink you down tiny, nicht. [German for not, implying that the ride was removed]
 * Freakazoid: Oh no, well, at least they still have the little motorboats.
 * Hans: [He hangs his head and grits teeth, indicating they removed the motorboats as well; sad music plays in background.]
 * Freakazoid: NO! NOT THE BOATS!

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 * [Freakazoid opens a door, expecting a evil villain outside. When he opens the door, there stands Cosgrove.]
 * Cosgrove: Hey Freakazoid, wanna go build a Go-cart?

Next Time, Phone Ahead/Nerdator [1.11]

 * Steven Spielberg: Fade to black. The End. What was that other plan, exactly?
 * Paul Rugg: Well, we'd end the show early to show some more Animaniacs reruns.
 * Steven Spielberg: Oh! I like that. Let's do it. [cuts to the final verses of the Animaniacs theme song]

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 * Bo-Ron: Large Cakes!

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 * Freakazoid: Diane Sawyer acts sincere, but she's really faking it.
 * Bo-Ron: DUH! Faking it.

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 * Bo-Ron: DUH! Piece of the gross. [then smiles with chewed up Oreo cookies in his teeth, while having milk & Oreo cookies on his plate]

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 * Freakazoid: STAY OUT OF YOUR FATHER'S UNDERWEAR DRAWER! Trust me on this one.
 * Bo-Ron: Duh, underwear drawer, no no.

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 * Freakazoid: So AT&T, MCI, & Sprint fought a pitched battle over who would provide service. [showing stock footage of armored tanks fighting in a warzone] Finally, Bo-Ron chose the winner [showing Bo-Ron with lipstick imprints on his face while Candice Bergen is attracted to Bo-Ron] and we phoned his home.
 * Bo-Ron: AAH! It's ringing. [They reached an answering machine in Bo-Ron's primitive language addressing "We're not here right now. Please leave your message after the beep"]
 * Bo-Ron: I got the machine. It's ALWAYS on. Hello? You're there. I know you're there. PICK UP! COME ON! PICK UP!

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 * Dexter Douglas: O-O-O-O-O-O-OH, FREAK OUT! [melts into the ground and resolidifies as Freakazoid]
 * Freakazoid: Is it just me or am I showing up later and later in each episode? [then talking like Jerry Lewis] OH, LOOK AT ALL THE NERD PEOPLE MAKING THE FUNNY JERKY-SHAKY MOTIONS WITH THEIR SILLY HEADS!

House of Freakazoid/Sewer or Later [1.12]

 * [Freakazoid is at a recent crime scene committed by Cobra Queen. He notices a piece of shedding from one of her snakes.]
 * Freakazoid: Ah-ha, looks like one of Cobra Queen's little pets. [turns to the officers, and says this with poor lip sync] Or maybe it was a tourist who got too much sun, I'm never sure.
 * [Flips to blue screen with only Freakazoid showing]
 * Freakazoid: Please, let's watch the lip sync, okay?
 * [A giant set of lips sinks into the ocean]
 * Freakazoid: I thank you.

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 * Freakazoid: I'm not going down there. It smells like poo-gas!

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 * Cobra Queen: If it isn't my dear friend, Atomic Boy.
 * Freakazoid: Freakazoid. I'm Freakazoid.
 * Cobra Queen: Oh! I'm so terribly sorry, Freakazoid. The light is dreadful down here.
 * Freakazoid: Nah, forget it Cobra Queen. You know, you should really get some of those Japanese lanterns to brighten up the place.
 * Cobra Queen: The paper ones? Are they expensive?

The Wrath of Guitierrez [1.13]

 * Cosgrove: Y'know, I like jousting so much I wish I could marry it.

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 * Freakazoid: [finds a small bowl hidden behind a torch] A bowl! I found a bowl!  GOOD FOR ME!

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 * Freakazoid: [grumbling about Guitierrez] He's such a weenie.
 * Guitierrez: [shouting dramatically] I am not a weenie! YOU ARE THE WEENIE!

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 * Roddy MacStew: Ever since Guitierrez entered the net, he's been busy setting up some sort of deranged trap for you. When I tried to see what it was, he found me and kicked me out. He's amazingly powerful!
 * Freakazoid: If it's a trap, why do you want me to go in?
 * Roddy MacStew: You don't have a choice, lad. The reason you're so weak is that Guitierrez sabotaged the energy field that powers ya here on the outside. If you didn't go in, another hour or so, you'd be no better than a dried-up piece of fleshy haggis. Oh, he's figured it all out! He's baiting ya, lad. He's made sure you've got no choice but to go in after him. He means to destroy ya.
 * Freakazoid: Boy, you've got a lot of lines in this show.
 * Roddy MacStew: AYE! THAT'S WHAT I TOLD THEM! BUT, NO! ALL THE CRUDDY EXPOSITION GOES TO ME! I'VE GOT TO TALK AND TALK AND FIDDLE WITH THE COMPUTER AND TALK SOME MORE AND FIDDLE AND TALK, I FEEL LIKE OBI-WAN CRUDDY KENOBI!
 * Freakazoid: Roddy, settle.
 * Roddy Macstew: Alright, we're ready.
 * Freakazoid: Aren't you coming?
 * Roddy Macstew: Nay, Guitierrez has locked me out. He want's you... alone. THERE! THAT'S THE LAST OF THE CRUDDY EXPOSITION! THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
 * (an audience applaudes)

Dexter's Date [2.1]

 * Debbie Douglas: [waving goodbye to Dexter from the car] Have a good time, now!

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 * The Lobe: Don't touch that dial. For the next 40 minutes, I'm in control.

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 * [The Lobe is watching Seinfeld'')
 * Newman: C'mon, Kramer, give me the donut!
 * Cosmo Kramer: Never!
 * The Lobe: [laughs] The whole key to this show is Newman.

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 * The Lobe: Now, with just a flick of the switch, my video-zapper will steal every movie, every program, every broadcast ever produced! Not only will I be able to flood the market with counterfeit cassettes - thus crippling the entertainment industry - but I'll never have to program my VCR again!

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 * [Freakazoid breaks into a room to stop the Lobe - destroying a wall full of TV monitors in the process]
 * Freakazoid: Hello? Lobe? Is this the right room?
 * The Lobe: Freakazoid! Look what you've done!
 * Freakazoid: Sorry. I'm in a hurry.
 * The Lobe: There's a door not ten feet away. A fine invention. You should try it.

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 * Duncan: Aawww! What's the matter? Am I ruining your date?
 * Mr. Douglas: Duncan! Mind your apples, huh!

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 * Freakazoid: FREAK IN! [while shifting back into Dexter, he still is Freakazoid] Uh-oh. [he then comes out of the stall as Oprah Winfrey)I think we have a problem here. ZOIDS! I LOOK LIKE OPRAH WINFREY! OH, FREAK OUT! Okay, let's not PANIC! Let me try it again. FREAK IN! [turns to Dexter] Yes! [shifting in as David Letterman]'' David Letterman?! Oh, FREAK OUT!

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 * The Bus Boy: Come, she awaits. [While passing every pillar in the restaurant, Dexter changes into Michael Jackson, Barney the Dinosaur, and The Skipper from Gilligan's Island]
 * The Bus Boy: I have your date.
 * Steff: That's not my date.
 * The Bus Boy: Well, of course he is? [gasps] "Skipper" Alan Hale!
 * Freakazoid: Oh, no. [in Alan Hale's voice] GOODBYE, LIL' BUDDIES!

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 * The Bus Boy: Here! I've found him.
 * Steff: That's still not my date.
 * The Bus Boy: Well, of... [gasps as he sees Freakazoid as Judge Lance Ito] Your Honor, I'm so sorry.
 * Freakazoid: [depressedly] Me too. See ya.
 * The Bus Boy: I THINK I'M GOING CRAZY!

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 * Freakazoid: [very depressed in a monotone way] Freak In. [shifts into Bette Milder] Oh, freak out. [shifts back into Freakazoid]

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 * Medulla: That is one happy man.

The Freakazoid [2.2]

 * Freakazoid: Oh, we've been at this all day! I hate this.
 * Cosgrove: I know, kid, but it's tradition. No superhero can refuse any request on their birthday.
 * Caption: IMPORTANT PLOT POINT
 * Freakazoid: Cosgrove, are you positive that's a superhero tradition?
 * Cosgrove: What, ya think I'm fibbing? I'm a fibby-boy? I heard it somewhere. Talk to the other superheroes if you don't believe me.
 * Freakazoid: I can't. They're all away at some conference.
 * Caption: ANOTHER IMPORTANT PLOT POINT
 * Cosgrove: I'm wearing blue socks.
 * Caption: NOT IMPORTANT
 * Freakazoid: If you put baking soda and vinegar together, they make a little volcano!
 * Caption: NOT IMPORTANT... BUT INTERESTING

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 * Neighbor: Hey! What are you doing!?
 * Freakazoid: I'm fulfilling your request; I'm mowing your lawn.
 * Neighbor: While the Lobe's attacking everybody?! Go get him already! What are you, wacko?
 * Wakko Warner: No, I'm Wakko! [starts singing] Baton Rouge, Louisiana / Indianapolis, Indiana, / And Columbus is the capitol of Ohio-
 * Freakazoid: HEY! Wakko, what are you doing here? We're kind of in the middle of something.
 * Wakko: Oh, it's OK! Steven loves it when we do stuff like this. After all, Animaniacs is his favorite.
 * Freakazoid: Uh, sorry to break this to you, Wakko, but if I'm not mistaken, Freakazoid! is Steven's favorite show. We got a memo.
 * Brain: Ahem. I believe you're both mistaken. It is the sophisticated wit and charm of Pinky and the Brain that has captured Steven's heart, as well as making it the breakaway hit of the WB's schedule.
 * Freakazoid: Well, why don't we just go find out?!
 * [Later, at the Amblin Entertainment building, they continue to argue.]
 * Steven Spielberg: QUIET! Now what's this about?
 * Freakazoid: First of all, Steven, thank you very much for taking the time to meet with us. We realize you're very busy, and-
 * Brain: Oh, just ask him!
 * Freakazoid: We were just wondering... who's your favorite?
 * Steven Spielberg: Who are you people?

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 * The Lobe: Well, what about [the Superhero Codebook]?
 * Freakazoid: There isn't any such thing as a Superhero Codebook, is there?! You made it all up! You made up all those rules! YOU FIBBED! YOU'RE A FIBBY-BOY!
 * The Lobe: [chuckles] Freakazoid, really, you're completely delusional. Whatever gave you a silly ridiculous idea like that?
 * Freakazoid: THIS! [holds up scrap of paper from the book] "Copyright Lobe Industries"!
 * The Lobe: I knew I shouldn't have put that on there! Dumb, dumb, dumb!

Mission: Freakazoid [2.3]

 * Announcer: [if the show hypothetically ended short] Since this week's episode ended early, I'll recite some of my favorite naughty limericks. I'm sure you'll find them pleasing and saucy. There once was a woman from Bristow...

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 * Cosgrove: I want a can of hash and some coffee.

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 * Roddy MacStew: Ay, that's the master chip. If I can disconnect it, the system will be as helpless as a man with big apples for feet!

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 * Cosgrove: One thing still bothers me. How come Vucanova has got such a rotten government?
 * Freakazoid: Because individual liberty is the key to good government. A good example might be your local Anubis Market.
 * Steff: Where customers are free to experience quality and service.
 * Roddy MacStew: Aye, Steff. And to choose low prices without fear or coercion.
 * Prof. Jones: I rest easier knowing that Anubis Markets are a division of Osiris Foods.
 * Everyone: Food so good, you can eat it!
 * Freakazoid: What can I say? It kept me on the air for another season.

Virtual Freak [2.4]

 * [Cosgrove is trying to put on his VR Helmet when a gamer helps him]
 * Gamer: There man, like, you were all fouled up, and now you're cool, in the butt, haha, awesome.
 * Cosgrove: You're saying strange things. Stop it.

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 * Cosgrove: You're not a failure kid. It's just that your ideas are silly and dumb. By the way, there a heavy pillar rolling at you, I'd take care of that if I were you.
 * Freakazoid: I can handle a pillar.

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 * Freakazoid: Don't let me fall into nothingness! I won't be happy there!
 * Cosgrove: Few people would.

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 * The Lobe: Freakazoid! Why's it taking us so long to fall?!
 * Freakazoid: 'Cause it's funny!
 * The Lobe: No it's not, it's just stupid! It's as dumb as that Handman episode!

Hero Boy [2.5]

 * Hero Boy: I Must Succeed!

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 * [Guitierrez tries to find Freakazoid's weakness, so he pulls a green rock out of his cloak]
 * Guitierrez: Behold, the purest Kryptonite. Feeling weak, my friend, oh so weak?
 * Freakazoid: That's Superman's weakness, not mine!
 * Guitierrez: Really?
 * Freakazoid: Yeah, DUH!
 * Guitierrez: Oh, that stupid man at the store! Well then, how about this! [pulls out a yellow pad of paper, and holds it in front of Freakazoid's face] Does the yellow hurt your eyes, my friend? Getting weak, oh so very weak?
 * Freakazoid: That's the Green Lantern!
 * Guitierrez: Oh, shoot! [throws it down] Then how 'bout some... [picks up a glass of water and throws it in Freakazoid's face] water in your face! Are you melting, melting, my friend?
 * Freakazoid: That's the Wicked Witch!
 * Guitierrez: Oh, we're wasting time. What is your weakness?
 * Freakazoid: Well...
 * [scene switch to Freakazoid in a cage]
 * Freakazoid: Dumb, dumb, dumb! Never tell the villain how to trap you in a cage!
 * Guitierrez: You probably shouldn't have helped us build it, either.
 * Freakazoid: I know! Dumb!
 * Guitierrez: So... graphite bars charged with negative ions. That is your weakness, eh?
 * Freakazoid: That, or poo gas.
 * Guitierrez: You know, it's a funny thing. Nobody likes poo gas, my friend. Blagh!

A Matter of Love [2.6]

 * Freakazoid: I saw this once on an after school special. Mary & Sally, best friends. They did absolutely everything together. Then one day, Mary fell in with the "wrong crowd" and Mary didn't have time for Sally anymore. Sally would say, "Wanna go play a game or pretend we're kitties?" And Mary would say, "Uh-uh, I'm in with the wrong crowd!" Sally was so sad, that she ran home, climbed up a tree and started eating cookies. A ton of cookies. She got huge. Huge! HUGE! HUGE! Got any cookies, Mike?

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 * [Left alone at a "Gulliver" show.]
 * Professor Jones: Freakazoid? Where are you?
 * [pause]
 * Professor Jones: Oh, the pain, the pain.

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 * Freakazoid: HUGGBEES!
 * The crowd: HUGGBEES!
 * Cosgrove: Hey, Cut it Out!

Statuesque [2.7]

 * Woman: It was awful! Awful! JUST AWFUL!
 * Freakazoid: Can you be more specific?
 * Woman: It was like having to watch Waterworld for a month.
 * Freakazoid: Anything else?
 * Woman: [screaming in fear] AAH!
 * Freakazoid: That should be enough to go on

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 * [Repeated line]
 * Vorn the Unspeakable: And you are?

The Island of Dr. Mystico [2.8]

 * Leonard Maltin: Hi, I'm Leonard Maltin. Y'know, many consider "The Island of Dr. Mystico" one of the most pointless Freakazoid! adventures ever made. Interestingly, critics first loved the episodes, but that changed when they found out it wasn't European. However, today's episode does contain some interesting performances. See if you can spot Emmit Nervend in a walk-on role as a salty dance hall shaunteuse. Also- [an oranguman barges onto the set and abducts him] No! For the love of humanity! AAH!

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 * Freakazoid: Whee-hee-hee-hee! I'm flying a plane! I'm flying a plane! Boy, being a pilot's really neato!
 * Cosgrove: You're doing real good, ki- plane.
 * [Freakazoid and Cosgrove swerve to avoid oncoming plane.]
 * [Later on...]
 * Cosgrove: Blimp.
 * [Freakazoid and Cosgrove swerve to avoid oncoming blimp.]
 * [Later on some more...]
 * Cosgrove: Brando.
 * [Freakazoid and Cosgrove swerve to avoid a huge copy of Brando.]

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 * Steff: 'Dat was a quite a jolt, Freak!

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 * Freakazoid: To our right is the right wing
 * Everyone: Ooh!
 * Freakazoid: [over the PA system] And at the left is something very special
 * Lobe: Where?, I don't see anything.
 * Freakazoid: [outside the window] Booga-booga-booga!
 * Lobe: AAH! [vomits]

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 * Freakazoid: What's wrong?
 * Cosgrove: I just remembered. I don't know how to fly.

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 * Freakazoid: Can't see! Sun in eyes! Must talk like this!

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 * Candle Jack: Excuse me Freakazoid, is there anything I should do?
 * Freakazoid: Why don't you stay here and... scare the professor!
 * Candle Jack: Marvelous. [Heads off screen. Professor Jones is then heard screaming loudly]

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 * Freakazoid: Who are you? What have you done with the others?!
 * Dr. Mystico: There'll be time for questions later...
 * Freakazoid: No there won't; the show's over in ten minutes!
 * Dr. Mystico: WELL, IF YOU HADN'T WASTED ALL THAT TIME IN THE PLANE, I...!
 * [Mystico breaks abruptly from his rant and smiles at the camera.]
 * Dr. Mystico: You will all be my guests for dinner. I trust you're hungry? I've made a casserole! Akbar! Ringo! Fatima! To the house! Schnell!

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 * Dr. Mystico: They called me mad! Insane! WENDELL! [jumping onto table and ranting] They barred me from the universities until I had no choice but to flee here to conduct my research! Well, who's crazy now, hmmmm?! Who's mad now?! Hmmmmmmmm?! [jumping back into his seat and speaking normally] Try the casserole, Freakazoid, before it gets cold.
 * [Freakazoid makes a "cuckoo" gesture to Cosgrove and Lobe]
 * Dr. Mystico: I SAW THAT!
 * Freakazoid: What?
 * Dr. Mystico: That! You think I've got a clock in my head, don't you?!
 * Freakazoid, Cosgrove and Lobe: Ooh!
 * Freakazoid: What have you done with Longhorn and Cave Guy?
 * Dr. Mystico: Have patience. You'll be joining them soon enough! [laughs maniacally for a moment] Sorry, I just thought of something funny...

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 * Dr. Mystico: Brilliantly deduced! Using the likes of Freakazoid, Caveguy, The Lobe, LEONARD MALTIN!, there'll be no stopping me!
 * [Lighting crashes.]
 * Dr. Mystico: I'll build a private army of super apes and take over Cleveland!
 * Cosgrove: Don't you mean the world?
 * Dr. Mystico: I meant the world, yes... What did I say? Cleveland? I always do that.
 * Freakazoid, Cosgrove, Professor, and Villains: Ooh!
 * Dr. Mystico: Now who wants to go first?
 * Freakazoid, Cosgrove, Professor, and Villains: [all pointing at each other] He does!
 * [Sparkle meows into Dr. Mystico's ear.]
 * Dr. Mystico: Why didn't you do that before we got down here? I'll deal with you all shortly. Sparkle has to tinky.

Two Against Freak [2.9]

 * Cosgrove: [walking through sewers] What do they call "poo-gas" in Scotland?
 * Roddy MacStew: "Crud-vapors".
 * Cosgrove: Crud-vapors. I like that.

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 * Roddy MacStew: From what ya tell me, it sounds like you can only use your telekinetic powers when you're really angry!
 * Freakazoid: Then I'll only use them when I'm really angry!
 * Roddy MacStew: That's what I just said! Can you hear me or is there a wee goblin in your head eatin my words!?
 * Freakazoid: I... don't think there's a goblin in there...

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 * Freakazoid: Why do I have to learn to move things with my mind?
 * Roddy MacStew: Strength and speed will only take you so far, lad.
 * Freakazoid: It got me a second season.
 * Roddy MacStew: You can't count on that! Networks are fickle, they can drop you like a man with big oak fingers!

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 * Roddy MacStew: A vast river of woe is heading our way!

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 * Roddy Macstew: [seeing that Freakazoid mastered his levitation powers] By the soiled trousers of Argus! That lad's done it!

Freak-A-Panel/Tomb of Invisibo [2.10]

 * Cave Guy: I think it was a big mistake to run in [this sci-fi convention]; this is frightening behavior in adults. I hope none of them touches me.
 * [Cave Guy bumps into someone cosplaying a Klingon (actually Freakazoid in disguise)]
 * Cosplayer: [Says something in Klingon]
 * Cave Guy: Go away!
 * [Cosplayer looks confused, then understands and hands Cave Guy a 'Klingon to English' dictionary]
 * Cave Guy: Oh dear, a Klingon-to-English dictionary. You, made up a little language based off a TV show. That's not right!
 * Cos-player: [Says another phrase in Klingon while buddying up with Cave Guy]
 * [Cave Guy runs out of the convention screaming and leaps into a manned police car]
 * Cave Guy: Take me to jail, please! A Klingon is after me.

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 * Announcer: Of course, this whole fight is just busy filler because our main episode came up short on footage. Great planning around here, huh?
 * Freakazoid: Joe, what are you doing?!
 * Announcer: I'm tired of trying to cover for other people's mistakes!
 * Freakazoid: You've been getting a real attitude lately.
 * Announcer: Big deal!
 * Freakazoid: You could be replaced by an intern, or maybe the announcer from Earthworm Jim!
 * Announcer: Oh?
 * Freakazoid: Yeah. Now stop buttin' in and stick to the copy!

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 * [Freakazoid spends several off-camera minutes throwing himself at the invisible villain Invisibo, leaving him exhausted.]
 * Freakazoid: Y-you give up yet? Say, "Uncle Jimbo's flying poodles" and I'll go easy on ya.
 * Invisibo: Uncle Jimbo- wait, I'm winning.
 * [Invisibo hurls Freakazoid through a wall.]
 * Invisibo: Farewell, you clownish being. When I again rule all, perhaps I'll keep you about as a jester, or a chimp, or something.

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 * [A large e-mail window appears]
 * E-mail client: You've got some nice e-mail!
 * Freakazoid: Mail, for me? [Presses button, then reading] To Freakazoid, from Mandy Triceratops of Columbia University. My question concerns Pearl Jam. When will they appear on your show? Sincerely, Mandy. P.S. I am majoring in all the knowledge ever acquired throughout history. [Hauls window off-camera]
 * Cosgrove: Those Columbia kids are pretty smart.
 * Freakazoid: Huh, they sure are! Mandy, not to rain on your girlish hopes but Pearl Jam will never appear on this program because they would want money.

Normadeus [2.11]

 * Freakazoid: One: Norm Abram is missing. Two:...
 * Cosgrove: We don't have a two.

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 * Woman: They took Norm! They kidnapped Norm Abram! AND I WAS NEXT!

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 * Freakazoid: Don't do it, Guitierrez! Remember when you were a nice guy.
 * Guitierrez: I was never a nice guy!

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 * Norm Abram: YOU'RE AN EVIL MAN! [last line of the series]

Unsorted Quotes

 * Freakazoid: Aw, nut bunnies.
 * Freakazoid: Will you hug me? I'm needy.

Cast

 * Paul Rugg - Freakazoid
 * Edward Asner - Sgt. Mike Cosgrove
 * Craig Ferguson - Roddy MacStew
 * Tracy Rowe - Steff
 * David Kaufman - Dexter Douglas
 * Jonathan Harris - Professor Jones
 * Brian Benben - Narrator/Announcer
 * David Warner - The Lobe
 * Jeff Glen Bennett - Cave Guy, Candle Jack, Jeepers, The Huntsman, Lord Bravery
 * Maurice LaMarche - Longhorn
 * Tress MacNeille - Cobra Queen
 * Ricardo Montalban - Armando Guitierrez
 * Tim Curry - Dr. Mystico