Freddy Got Fingered

Freddy Got Fingered (2001) is a comedy film directed by and starring Tom Green. Some of the scenes are similar to the antics seen in his own The Tom Green Show. It is largely built around gross-out and shock humor.

Gord

 * Ding-dong! Ding-dong!
 * Japan 4!
 * I have sensitive knees.
 * You hear that dad? You're gonna pay! He's a molester! A Child molester!


 * You're fired, Bob! Clean out your locker at the club, Bob! You're fucking fired!


 * You can't hurt me, not with my cheese helmet!


 * I see the problem here! There seems to be a little baby inside your body.


 * Get inside the animals!


 * I'll wake up your baby! (swings baby by its umbilical cord) I'll wake up your baby! Wakey-wakey, wakey-wakey, wakey-wakey, wakey-wakey! Baby's crying, baby's crying!


 * [singing] Daddy, would you like some sausage? Daddy, would you like some sausages? Daddy, would you like some sausage? Sausages, sausages!


 * Look at me, Daddy, I'm a farmer!

You'll love how simple misunderstandings get us into a whole heap of trouble. It's crazy. Listen to my hooves, listen to my hooves! Listen to them! Cloppety-clop! Listen to them! Cloppety-clop!
 * [narrating his cartoon, "Zebras in America"]


 * Holy shit, this is crazy! I'm a 28-year-old man, I think I should be able to eat a chicken sandwich if I want!


 * I'm the backwards man, the backwards man, I'm the backwards man, the backwards man! I can walk backwards fast as you can, I can walk backwards fast as you can!


 * Hey, can I borrow 50 bucks or something? For supplies, for, like, pens or Liquid Paper or a Trapper Keeper or one of those little compasses that you put the pencil in and you can make a circle, a perfect circle.


 * Eh. Hmm... Investments. Eh. I do investments, consulting in the business. Eh. Business. Eh. Analyzing, stocks. Eh. NASDAQ. Eh. Dow Jones, Wall Street Journal. Eh. New York City, CNN.


 * I hope I get a jobby, Freddy. I got my fingers crossed! Crossed, crossed, crossed, crossed!


 * This is a fancy restaurant, this is a fancy restaurant!


 * I want to try the horsey, I want to try the horsey!


 * I say Geneva, and you hear Helsinki?!


 * 40 million fucking Deutsche mark.


 * "I only see one Le Baron, Freddy. I only see, I don't see two Le Barons. Where's your Le Baron, Freddy? Where's your Le Baron? How many Le Barons? Are there two Le Barons? Oh, look, I'm the #1 son!"


 * He's a cat! Who's a vigilante? A cat! Who is a vigilante? A vigilante cat!

Darren

 * Don't rub on Mr. Lee!


 * [observing Gordy's drawings of his dad] Oh yeah, he's a real character!


 * What in the name of sweet breakfast meats are you doing?

Others

 * Policewoman: Get off the fucking bar, asshole!


 * Betty: Your dad called me a retard, a slut, and a whore. I don't think he likes me very much, Gordy.


 * Jim: [after seeing Darren's leg during the skateboarding accident] Oh, God! Get him a job! I mean, get him an ambulance! You get a job, he's got a job already!

Dialogue

 * Gord: [screams as he sees a horse with an erect penis. He stops his car]: What are you doing to that horse?!
 * Farmer: This is a stud farm, boy.
 * [Gord climbs out of the car and over the fence]
 * Gord: I want to try the horsey! I want to try the horsey!
 * Farmer: Hey, don't climb that fence! You can't come over here! [Gord runs over and starts wagging the horse's penis] Hey! What are you doing?! Are you crazy?!?!
 * Gord: OHHH!! Oh, this is fun! Look at me daddy! I'm a farmer! Augh! Oh, this is fun! Look at me daddy! I'm a farmer! I'm a farmer, daddy! WOOO!! AHHH!!! When I grow up, I want to be a farmer! A farmer!
 * Second Farmhand: The hell are you doing?! Get him the hell out of here!


 * Gord: He's driving me insane.
 * Freddy: No, no, you're driving him insane. You're older than me and you still live at home. I have a job, you know? I pay my own way.
 * Gord: You work at a bank. Am I suppose to be dazzled?
 * Freddy: Well, at least, I don't live at home.
 * Gord: Yeah, you live in a tiny (bleep) and you can't afford breakfast so you come here and you eat for free.


 * Jim: Where are you going?
 * Gord: Bye-bye, Daddy! Bye-bye, Daddy! I'm going to get a job!
 * Jim: You must think I'm a damn idiot!
 * Gord: Um... Yes?


 * Gord: You can't have complaints there's not enough cheese in the cheese sandwiches. I mean, if there's no cheese in a cheese sandwich, that's basically just two slices of bread, and if word of that were to get out, well, I could lose my job! I could lose all of this! And we wouldn't want that, would we? Would we?! Would we, huh?!
 * Customer: What the fuck am I gonna do with that?
 * Gord: Well, you could stick it in your bum-bum. (The customer leaves, disgruntled. Gord sings quietly:) You can put the cheese in your bum.


 * Jim: I'll fix him. [turns the water temp level down] How's the water, cold enough for you? [he then breaks into the bathroom, then flushes the toilet] Don't tell me you're so god damn stupid you can't even tell the difference between hot and cold. [opens shower to find Gord with a soap on a rope in scuba gear] What the fuck is going on?
 * Gord: I'm underwater! Look, I found a treasure!
 * Jim: A treasure? That's soap on a rope!
 * Gord: Shh, I'm pretending it's treasure!
 * Jim: Get out of my damn scuba gear, you imbecile! [he pulls him out, destroying the shower's doors]
 * Gord: [he sees the soap fall into the toilet] Oh, no, the treasure! It went into the underwater cave! [submerges his face into the toilet bowl]
 * Jim: Get out of the toilet! Forget about... Get out of the toilet! [He pulls Gord out of the toilet bowl]
 * Gord: Father, you saved me from the giant barracuda! But look, I salvaged the treasure. We can live like kings. We can live like kings!
 * Jim: Forget that fucking soap. You clean up this mess and get your ass out that door looking for a job, you retard.


 * Gord: I'm gonna make you so proud.
 * Jim: Make your daddy proud.
 * Gord: You're gonna be so proud.
 * Jim: Proud?
 * Gord: Proud.
 * [pulls out of parking space and honks at a pedestrian]
 * Get the fuck out of the way!


 * Gord: If I were you, I would go out and have sex.
 * Julie: Oh, honey, no.
 * Gord: If I were you, I'd go out. I'd have sex with strange men. I'd have sex with basketball players. I'd have sex with Greeks. Men from Greece. I'd satisfy my urges. I'd satisfy my sexual desires.


 * Betty: I'm gonna give you a blowjob.
 * Gord: Oh, Betty, it's only our first date. Don't you think we should go do some romantic stuff first? Maybe take a walk in the park or something?
 * Betty: No, I can't walk.
 * Gord: Maybe I can take you for a roll.


 * Jim: Wait a minute, you're crippled.
 * Gord: Dad.
 * Betty: Wha-- What?
 * Gord: Dad.
 * Betty: You've got a problem with my legs?
 * Jim: No, you've got a problem with your legs. Either that or you're just lazy.


 * [Gord is building his skateboard ramp early in the morning]
 * Darren: Shh, Gord, Gord! Don't hammer 'em so loud. Geez, it's late, you're gonna wake up your parents.
 * Gord: You're right, I should probably use the electric nail gun.
 * Darren: Yeah.
 * [Gord starts using it and it creates even more noise]
 * Darren: Shh, Gord!
 * Gord: What?
 * Jim: Oh, boys! Will you two stop making so much fucking noise? We're sleeping!
 * [Gord starts nailing in more hammers]
 * Darren: Shhh!
 * Jim: God damn it! It's 3:00 in the morning! Stop the fucking hammering!
 * Mr. Malloy: Hey, I got a kid over here, okay. Gord, are you guys almost done over there?
 * Gord: Yeah, nearly, Mr. Malloy.
 * Andy: Hey, Gord, can I play on your ramp tomorrow?
 * Gord: Sure, Andy, any time.
 * [Jim screams out of rage then goes back into the house]
 * Darren: Does your dad have like bowel problems?


 * [Darren walks into the house to see Gord horribly playing a keyboard, drawing, and eating sausages tied on strings to his hands, all at the same time]
 * Darren: What in the name of sweet breakfast meats are you doing?
 * Gord: For your information, this is me being creative. Betty told me this is what I have to do in order to become an artist.
 * Darren: Oh, yeah, is it working?
 * Gord: I don't know, I can't think of anything to draw, 'cause I'm so stupid! [singing while horribly playing the keyboard] I'm so stupid, I'm so stupid, I'm so stupid, I'm so stupid!
 * Darren: [looks at one if Gord's drawings] This is kinda funny, Gord.
 * Gord: Yeah?
 * Darren: Yeah, I mean like you can see it because it's your dad. But... He's a character, your dad.
 * Gord: He is?
 * Darren: Yeah.
 * Gord: He's a character? [singing and playing] He's a real character, he's a real character!
 * Darren: [hears a car] Shit, it's your dad!
 * Jim: Oh, look honey, our boy's a genius! He's rigged a pulley system so he can eat sausage and work on his stupid drawings.
 * Gord: I'm being creative. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some work to do. [singing while horribly playing the piano] Daddy, would you like some sausage? Daddy, would you like some sausages? Daddy, would you like some sausage? Sausages! Sausages! [Jim grabs the strings and yanks Gord up and smashes the piano with his foot]


 * Therapist: Jim, do you hear what Gord is saying here?
 * Jim: I hear him boohooing about his broken wheelie-board ramp. Is that what you mean?
 * Therapist: Yes, Jim. But do you understand what he's saying? Sounds to me like he just wants you to accept him as your son. To approve of him and what he wants to do with his life. How does that make you feel?
 * Jim: First of all, I don't give a rat's ass what this punk wants. As long as he lives in my house and eats my food, I make the rules.
 * Gord: I wanna eat chicken burgers!
 * [Jim stands up]
 * Julie: Jim, don't hurt my baby. Now, sit down.
 * Jim: You're an embarrassment to my family.
 * Gord: Oh, yeah? Well, at least, I don't touch Freddy.
 * Jim: Say, what?
 * Therapist: Excuse me?
 * Gord: Yeah, he touches my little brother. He takes him behind the furnace and touches him in his pants.
 * Jim: See the insanity I put up with?
 * Gord: He's embarrassed.
 * Julie: Jim!
 * Gord: He touches my little brother. He... He... [looks at his fingers] He fingers him!
 * Jim: You're a god damn liar.
 * Julie: Jim, do you touch him? Do you finger our boy?
 * Jim: Don't you get wacky on me? What the fuck are we talking about?
 * Therapist: Mr. Brody, this is very serious. Based on what I've heard here today, I am required by law to notify the authorities.
 * Gord: You hear that, Dad? You're gonna pay! He's a molester! A child molester!
 * [Gord throws statue through window and then jumps out screaming]
 * Jim: You'd better run, you li-a-a-a-a-a-ar!

Taglines

 * This time you can't change the channel.
 * A touching story of a young man who desperately wants to make his daddy proud.

Cast

 * Tom Green as Gordon "Gord" Brody
 * Rip Torn as James "Jim" Brody
 * Marisa Coughlan as Betty
 * Eddie Kaye Thomas as Frederick "Freddy" Brody
 * Harland Williams as Darren
 * Anthony Michael Hall as Dave Davidson