Fresh Meat

'Fresh Meat' is a British television show which premiered on Channel 4. It stars comedian Jack Whitehall, actresses Kimberley Nixon, Charlotte Ritchie and Zawe Ashton, actor Greg McHugh and The Inbetweeners star Joe Thomas, and was produced by Peep Show creators Jesse Armstrong and Sam Bain. It is about a group of university students in the first term of their fresher year at the fictional Manchester Medlock University.

Episode 1
Vod walks into the house and finds Howard passing a hair dryer over plucked ducks that hang from the ceiling. Howard is wearing neither pants nor trousers.


 * Howard: I just haven't spoken to another human being in some time. Wind-drying Peking ducks.
 * Vod: Right.
 * Howard: Sorry, I've just got used to wearing trousers of the mind.
 * Vod: Well, maybe you should tuck your cock away while I make us a nice cup of tea.



Kingsley and Josie spot the Christian girl that Kingsley tried to court the night before.


 * Kingsley: Look, the truth is, nothing happened. She doesn't fancy me. She was just trying to save my soul.
 * Josie: What a bitch.
 * Kingsley: Yeah, I thought so. It was going quite well until she mentioned that she believes, quite strongly, that sexual impulses are sent by Satan to lure us into a trap that ends with our souls frying like bacon for eternity.
 * Josie: So, she tricked you?
 * [Kingsley shrugs.]
 * [Josie angrily marches back to the girl.]
 * Josie: You know, you should be ashamed of yourself.
 * Christian girl: Sorry?
 * Josie: Targeting a lonely, sexually frustrated guy, yeah, just because you've picked out the weak antelope in the herd.
 * Kingsley: I think it's more like they target power brokers—you know, like opinion informers.
 * Christian girl: He was very interesting!
 * Josie: No, he was not. You snared him in because—because—well, because you're hot, and that's a fact. And I don't find you hot, but the fact is that you are hot. [slams her leaflet down] So there you go. Fuck you!

Episode 2

 * Josie: Hey, Kingsley! I'm just cooking my speciality dish: vegetable munge.
 * Kingsley: Sounds… disappointing.
 * JP: No offence, but I won't be eating any of that shit, because it looks heinous.
 * [Josie rolls her eyes and continues cooking.]
 * Kingsley: So, this is very generous of you. What a very generous person you are. Do you want me to lay the table? Or do you wanna do all the laying?




 * JP: I can't believe none of you have a car. Nothing. Not even a Fiat Panda. [handing his bags to Howard] Take these.
 * Josie: I notice that you don't have a car.
 * JP: Uh, wrong, actually. I've got a BMW X1. I just can't drive it at the moment, because I've got points on my licence. Because apparently I was speeding. Apparently I was drunk.
 * Vod: Students who drive cars are dicks.
 * Oregon: [nervously] Er, yeah! Why?
 * Vod: 'Cause they're not students. You got a car and a sat nav. You're a ponce whose dad works in the city and sells nerve gas to fuckheads.



Vod, Josie, and Oregon are walking to a party.


 * Oregon: Argh! My shoelaces keep coming undone!
 * Vod: My shoes are not to your liking? I'm so sorry I forced you to buy them.
 * Oregon: Could you take my bag?
 * [Vod takes the bag and tucks under her arm, squeezing it a little. As she does so, there is the unmistakeable "beep-beep" of a car alarm being armed. Startled, she squeezes it again, switching off the alarm. Oregon nervously looks up towards a car whose lights are flashing]
 * Oregon: Oh, that must've been my car keys. Oh, yeah! I've got a car!
 * Vod: [uncomfortably, as she remembers her earlier comment] Oh. Right.
 * Oregon: Oh, my God, I totally forgot I had a car! How cool is that? I feel like I've just won a car!
 * [Oregon walks up to the car and hugs it. Josie and Vod share looks of concern]




 * Oregon: Maybe I'm all intersex, and I've got a penis somewhere I don't know about. Just the kind of crazy shit that would happen to me, having a penis I didn't even know about. Woke up a few times on my year off having had a penis I didn't know about.




 * [Paul Lamb throws a weight out of his window; it hits Oregon's car bonnet]
 * Oregon: My car! [catches herself] Cool. 'Cause it's my dad's. The dick.

Episode 3
Professor Shales' students stream out of his office at the end of class.


 * Professor Shales: Essays due in week five. Don't leave it all until the night before is my advice to you. Not that you've listened to it, or indeed noticed that I am still talking.




 * Josie: [contemplating Howard and Vod's date] Poor Vod. Poor Howard. Poor Vod.
 * [JP enters.]
 * JP: Josie. Hey, um, can I ask you something? Erm, you know when you and I, er—when I, er—when I did you—I, um, I didn't, er, rape you, did I?
 * Josie: No!
 * JP: Rape is a grey area.
 * Josie: I'd love to say otherwise, but in that instance it was definitely… consensual.



Kingsley performs a self-written piece for his drama class.


 * Kingsley: I hate you. I hate that you're on the other side of the wall. I hate the wall. I wish there was no wall. But then, if there was no wall, then we'd just be in bed together. What would that be like? Is that who I am? A man who needs a wall? A wall man?
 * [Kinglsey jumps up and mimes pressing up against a wall]
 * Kingsley: Wall, or man. Wall.
 * [Kinglsey takes a step back, darts forward, then falls backward, as if he's just run into a wall. He lies on the stage, unconscious.]

Episode 4
Kingsley has just told a disturbing story about losing his virginity.


 * JP: Well, um, there's nothing unusual about popping your cherry with a family friend. I actually dislodged my V-plates on my birthday, when my Uncle Paulo took me to Southampton.
 * Josie: Yeah, I don't think we should play this game any more.
 * JP: Right, there's nothing bad about it!
 * Oregon: I don't think I want to hear this.
 * JP: He bought me a hooker for my eighteenth!
 * [Everyone else groans.]
 * JP: What? She wasn't a munter, she was dockside fine!




 * Josie: Do you not want to talk about it?
 * Kingsley: Talk about what?
 * Josie: How you lost your virginity?
 * Kingsley: It was a true story.
 * Josie: Yeah, I know, it's just—you were twelve, and I just wondered if that's where your issues come from?
 * Kingsley: What issues?
 * Josie: A woman who was meant to be looking after you had sex with you. It doesn't sound great, does it?
 * Kingsley: Josie—
 * Josie: Plus, a caravan site. What if she still works there? Don't you think it's your duty to report it?
 * Kingsley: Josie, we don't need to do anything because what I said wasn't it. She did exist, the woman, but we never actually—
 * Josie: Oh? So, why did you say you did?
 * [Kingsley shrugs.]
 * Josie: Oh. Blimey. Ooh. Erm. Aww. Kingsley.
 * Kingsley: What? What're you thinking? Oh, you are way off the scent, sister. I can tell you that for sure.
 * Josie: It is nothing to be embarrassed about.
 * Kingsley: It's not what you think. But if it is, which obviously it is, you wouldn't say anything to anybody, would you? Not to the others? Or your friends, or your parents?
 * Josie: Why would I tell my parents?
 * Kingsley: Just because of my mum, I never got a chance to do it. And she—
 * Josie: Honestly, Kingsley, virginity's only a big deal until you lose it. I mean, I made Dave wait, like, ages. And then we did it, and I was like, "Is that it?" Even now I'm not sure what all the fuss is about. You know what I mean?
 * Kingsley: No.
 * Josie: No. God, erm, sorry. Look, I promise I won't tell another soul.
 * [Josie rushes into Vod and Oregon's bathroom.]
 * Josie: Kingsley's a virgin!
 * [Vod and Oregon look at her in shock.]



Howard and JP chat up two girls.


 * JP: So, there must be some sort of uni health club or something. I mean, you work out, right?
 * Girl: No. Pretty unfit.
 * JP: Not from where I'm standing. [winks]
 * Howard: I can't do exercise, 'cause I've got severe athlete's foot.
 * [the girls look disgusted; JP cringes]
 * Howard: I think of it as the very definition of irony.
 * JP: Would you excuse us, ladies?
 * JP: [to Howard] What are you doing!? They don't want to hear about your fucking foot!
 * Howard: I'm just being myself.
 * JP: Why the fuck would you want to do that!? That is literally the most stupid thing I have ever heard! I'm here to teach you how to be a real person!



Ralph plays a Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?-themed quiz machine.


 * Ralph: "The cherimoya is a fruit that originates from which country?"
 * Howard: Peru.
 * JP: [to Ralph] Dunno mate. So, I was thinking maybe of going to see Ross's DJ set. You up for it?
 * Ralph: China, India, Malaysia, or Peru.
 * Howard: Peru!
 * Ralph: Was, mate. Meant to be a large one. Only last dude setting us up with upperclass As has got meningitis. Don't get me wrong, it's a tragedy, but dude, keep it real!
 * JP: Well, I mean, if you need any shit, I could always pick it up for you?
 * Ralph: For reals?
 * JP: Yeah, totes, bruv. Whatever you want.
 * Ralph: Fuck it. I'm gonna say "Peru".
 * Quiz machine: Correct answer!
 * Ralph: Yeah, baby, I'm a ge-ni-us! Well, if you're serious…
 * [Ralph produces a list for JP.]
 * Ralph: We want the lot. Everything on there. "The ring ouzel is a type of what bird?"
 * Howard: [after a pause] Duck.
 * JP: Yep. Cool! No probers.
 * Ralph: That would be a duck!
 * Quiz machine: Incorrect answer!
 * Ralph: What the fuck!?
 * [Howard smiles maliciously.]

Episode 7

 * Oregon: I've thought of some names [for our new band].
 * Kingsley: Oh. Uh, yeah, great.
 * Oregon: OK. Trash Baby.
 * Kingsley: Too American.
 * Oregon: Leitmotif.
 * Kingsley: Too pretentious.
 * Oregon: The Time Bandits.
 * Kingsley: That makes us sound like dwarves.
 * Oregon: Mulberry Wine.
 * Kingsley: That makes us sound like fellwalkers.
 * Oregon: Corporate Cannibal.
 * Kingsley: Just rubbish.
 * Oregon: High Jinx? Jinx with an x.
 * Kingsley: Again: rubbish.
 * Oregon: Fiddler's Shilling.
 * Kingsley: Too medieval.
 * Oregon: Kingsley and Oregon.
 * Kingsley: Derivative.
 * Oregon: The Black Ponies.
 * Kingsley: No Thes.
 * Oregon: Black Ponies.
 * Kingsley: No colours.
 * Oregon: Ponies.
 * Kingsley: And no animals.
 * Oregon: Sure, I don't think this is going to work out.
 * Kingsley: Oh, come on, don't be so precious.




 * Josie: Just so you don't hear it secondhand, I wanted you to know that I've been kicked off my course. I'm officially no longer a student.
 * JP: Fuck my mouth! But, what happens now?
 * Josie: Well, right now I'm going to make some more crumbles; then I'm going on a five-mile ramble to Healey Dell; and then later this afternoon I'm going zorbing.
 * JP: Zorbing?
 * Josie: Yeah. They put you in a big plastic hamster ball, and then push you down a hill. So, if you're asking "Do I miss dentistry?": crumbles, rambles, zorbing.




 * Kingsley: JP, I'm not standing on the same stage as you.
 * JP: Mate, why the frick not?
 * Kingsley: Because, you've got that whole James Blunt vibe going on.
 * JP: What the hell is wrong with Blunters?

Episode 6

 * JP: Hey, Vod. I'm just going door to door and wondered whether—quick cuddle?
 * Vod: Christ on a bendy bus, JP. Has it really come to this?

Episode 7

 * Noah: That's Dean doing the ironing, Harry's setting the table, and that's Rob making breakfast.
 * Josie: Wow! Look at this place! It's like fucking Narnia!




 * Kingsley: … Josie's got shit taste [in music]: She likes Mumford & Sons.
 * JP: What's wrong with Mumford & Sons? I love Mumford & Sons: They're perfect for drinking cider to. First Blunters, now Mumfers. Is nothing sacred?

Episode 8

 * Kingsley: I can get another ticket to Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds. I thought—bit of a novelty—you might like to come?
 * Josie: Yeah, um, I dunno, because you know I don't like your music.
 * Kingsley: Yeah—just give it a try! Have a listen. What do you think?
 * Josie: I don't like it.
 * Kingsley: It's only just started.
 * Josie: Er! I still don't like it.
 * Kingsley: Wait till the chorus kicks in.
 * Josie: I don't like it.
 * Kingsley: Why don't you like it?!
 * Josie: It sounds like something that would be played at a hobo's funeral by other hobos.
 * Kingsley: Um, let me play you another track.
 * Josie: Yeah, OK, this is better.
 * Kingsley: See?
 * Josie: But, I don't like it.

Episode 1

 * JP: You are not allowed to have sex with Tomothy.
 * Oregon: Why not?
 * JP: Because of a little something called the institution of marriage, and a little organisation called the Church of fucking England.

 Howard uses a vacuum cleaner to clear away the rose petals he scattered onto his bedroom carpet in anticipation of Candice's return.


 * Josie: Howard, you're killing the vibe. Maybe you could hoover up your dreams in the morning? Or, put your dick in the vacuum and I'll squirt tequila in your mouth.

Episode 2
Oregon is president of the student union.


 * Oregon: What about Rosa? Do we still need her signature?
 * Nas: Now that she's been transferred to the comms department, no. You can authorise your own policies.
 * Oregon: Oh, my god! At last! I am the law. I can do whatever the fuck I want, and no-one can stop me? That must be why Kim Jong Un has that haircut.




 * Josie: That's the secret to good boozing: a sweet spot, the magic mark where your worries have gone, but your faculties haven't. And boom! You're one chipper chappy.
 * Howard: Right. And how much would that normally require?
 * Josie: In my experience, it's almost always £25, no matter what you buy.



JP lashes out at Vod, who works part-time as a bartender at a local pub.


 * JP: Oh, everything's fine for you: you've got a job. Look at you: strutting around with your tea towel and your corkscrew like Deborah fucking Meaden.
 * Oregon: For the record, JP, I'm in a slightly different Venn, given that I'm union president—and I'm launching an amazing new poetry prize that's going to inspire and energise all of us. I mean, I'm not rubbing it in or anything, but my C.V. is basically bomb-proof.
 * JP: Whereas mine'll look like a poster for a lost dog.
 * JP: Whereas mine'll look like a poster for a lost dog.

Episode 3

 * Josie: Also, I need a new nickname.
 * Howard: "The Idiot"?

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 * Kingsley: I'm the guy who listens to "I'm Ready" by Royal Trux when he gets fucked up on Jack, but then—
 * Radio 6 Music interviewer: Right, yes! Now I remember, yeah. Yeah, I asked what music you liked, and you were talking for about half an hour. And I couldn't really work out what your answer was. It was all like, "Oh, I don't really believe in genres." But all I wanted to know was: Do you like U2, or do you not?
 * Kingsley: I'm sorry, I don't really understand the question.

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 * Kingsley: What are we gonna do? We can't just hang around London on the off chance that we bump into him.
 * JP: I knew we should have put a tag on him: "Please look after this Howard".

Episode 6

 * JP: Yeah, I mean, we wouldn't be going out, but we'd sort of be seeing each other.
 * Josie: Sure, uh, yeah, but I—I'm super easy.
 * JP: Oh, yeah, me too. I'm eggs over easy on a slice of wholemeal whatevs.
 * Josie: Run it up the flagpole, see who salutes!
 * JP: Exactly.
 * Josie: Try it on for size, see where it pinches. Yeah, that—that sounds good.
 * JP: Great.
 * [Josie exhales.]
 * JP: Isn't this just great. You're popping your little Welsh trotter into Prince Charming's glass slipper.