Friends (season 1)


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Friends (1994–2004) was an American sitcom revolving around 6 friends living in Manhattan.

The One Where Monica Gets A New Roommate [1.01]

 * [First lines of the series]
 * Monica: There's nothing to tell. He's just some guy I work with.
 * Joey: C'mon, you're going out with the guy. There's gotta be something wrong with him.
 * Chandler: So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?
 * Phoebe: Wait, does he eat chalk? [The others stare, bemused] It's just that I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl - ohh!
 * Monica: Okay, everybody relax. Relax. This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner, and not having sex.
 * Chandler: Sounds like a date to me.


 * [Rachel is supposed to be cutting up her credit card]
 * Ross: Cut, cut, cut...
 * Everybody: Cut, cut, cut, cut!
 * Rachel: [cuts a card] You know what? I think we can leave it at that. It was kind of a symbolic gesture...
 * Monica: Rachel, that was a library card.
 * [Everybody cheers her on, and she reluctantly cuts up her credit card]
 * Chandler: You know, if you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream.
 * Monica: [to Rachel] Welcome to the real world. It sucks. You're gonna love it.

The One with the Sonogram at the End [1.02]

 * Monica: What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it.
 * Joey: Yeah, right! [the girls just look at him] Serious?
 * Phoebe: Oh, yeah.
 * Rachel: Everything you need to know is in that first kiss.
 * Monica: Absolutely.
 * Chandler: I think, for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean, it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.
 * Ross: Yeah, and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's just that that's... that's not why we bought the ticket.
 * Chandler: You see, the problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again. Y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically, just trying to stay awake.
 * Rachel: Yeah, well, word of advice: bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone.
 * Joey: Are we still talking about sex?


 * Chandler: [watching TV] I think this is the episode of Three's Company where there's some kind of misunderstanding.

The One with the Thumb [1.03]

 * Phoebe: There's five hundred extra dollars in my account.
 * Chandler: Oh! Satan's minions at work again.
 * Phoebe: Yes, 'cause I have to go down there and deal with them.
 * Joey: What are you talking about? Keep it!
 * Phoebe: It's not mine! I didn't earn it. If I kept it, it would be like stealing!
 * Rachel: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!


 * [Phoebe finds something in her can of soda.]
 * Ross: A thumb?!
 * Joey: Ewwww!
 * Phoebe: I know, I know. I opened it up, and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker.
 * Chandler: Maybe it's a contest, you know, like, "collect all five."

The One with George Stephanopoulos [1.04]

 * Monica: Hey Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent?
 * Joey: Probably kill myself.
 * Monica: Excuse me?
 * Joey: Hey, if little Joey's dead, then I've got no reason to live.
 * Ross: Joey, omnipotent.
 * Joey: You are? I'm so sorry.


 * [Rachel opens her first paycheck.]
 * Rachel: Isn't this exciting! I earned this! I wiped tables for it, I steamed milk for it, and it was totally... [looks at the check] not worth it. Who's FICA? Why's he getting all my money?

The One with the East German Laundry Detergent [1.05]

 * Ross: It's amazing, okay? You just reach in there, there's just one little maneuver, and bam, a bra right out the sleeve. All right? As far as I'm concerned, there is nothing a guy can do that even comes close. Am I right?
 * Rachel: Come on! You guys can pee standing up.
 * Chandler: We can? All right, I'm trying that.
 * Joey: You know what blows my mind? Women can see breasts anytime they want, you just look down and there they are! How you get any work done is beyond me.
 * Phoebe: You know what I don't get? The way guys can do so many mean things and, like, not even care.
 * [Long pause]
 * Ross: ... Multiple orgasms!


 * ''[Ross takes out his new laundry detergent]
 * Rachel: What is that?
 * Ross: Überweiss! It's new, it's German, it's extra tough.

The One with the Butt [1.06]
A thing through which you can tinkle, Or play with, or simply let hang!
 * [The gang watches Joey's performance in Freud!, a local musical.]
 * Joey: [in a German accent] Well, Eva, we've done some excellent work here, and I would have to say, your problem is quite clear. [singing] All you want is a dinkle, What you envy's a schwang,


 * Monica: What? So you guys don't mind going out with someone else who's going out with someone else?
 * Joey: I couldn't do it.
 * Monica: Good for you, Joey.
 * Joey: When I'm with a woman, I need to know that I'm going out with more people than she is.

The One with the Blackout [1.07]

 * [All sitting around coffee table talking about their "weirdest place"]
 * Rachel: Come on, someone go.
 * Monica: OK, I'll go, Senior year of college on a pool table.
 * Ross: That's my sister.
 * Joey: OK, my weirdest place would have to be... the women's room on the second floor of the New York City Public Library.
 * Monica: Oh my God. What were YOU doing in a library?
 * Ross: Phoebs, what about you?
 * Phoebe: Oh um... Milwaukee.
 * Rachel: Um... Ross?
 * Ross: Disneyland, 1989, 'It's a Small World After All'. The ride broke down. So, Carol and I went behind a couple of those mechanical Dutch children... then they fixed the ride and we were asked never to return to the Magic Kingdom.
 * Phoebe: Ooh, Rachel.
 * Rachel: Oh come on, I already went.
 * Monica: You did not go.
 * Rachel: All right... the weirdest place, would have to be... oh... the foot of the bed.
 * Ross: Step back...
 * Joey: We have a winner!


 * Chandler: You know, on second thought, gum would be perfection.
 * [ Jill Goodacre gives him a strange look and a stick of gum]
 * Chandler: [thinking] Gum would be perfection. Gum would be perfection. I could have said gum would be nice, could have said I'll have a stick. But no no no no no, for me, gum is perfection. I loathe myself.

The One Where Nana Dies Twice [1.08]

 * Aunt Lillian: What's going on?
 * Jack Geller: She may have died.
 * Aunt Lillian: She may have died?
 * Jack Geller: We're looking into it.


 * [Chandler’s coworker thinks he’s gay]
 * Chandler: What is it about me? Is it my hair?
 * Rachel: Yes, it's exactly that, Chandler. It's your hair.
 * Phoebe: You have homosexual hair.

The One Where Underdog Gets Away [1.09]

 * Ross: Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about being a lesbian.
 * Susan: Yeah, you know, you have to take a course, otherwise they don't let you do it.


 * Ross: Here's to a lousy Christmas.
 * Rachel: And a crappy new year!
 * Chandler: Hear, hear!

The One with the Monkey [1.10]

 * Rachel: Hey, do you guys know what you're doing for New Year's?
 * [They all hit her with pillows]
 * Rachel: Gee, what? What is wrong with New Year's?
 * Chandler: Nothing for you, you have Paolo. You don't have to face the horrible pressures of this holiday: desperate scramble to find anything with lips just so you can have someone to kiss when the ball drops! Man, I'm talking loud!
 * Rachel: Well, for your information, Paolo is gonna be in Rome this New Year, so I'll be just as pathetic as the rest of you.
 * Phoebe: Yeah, you wish!


 * Chandler: Hey, that monkey's got a Ross on his ass!

The One with Mrs. Bing [1.11]

 * Rachel: [handing out copies of her steamy romance book] Okay... now this is just the first chapter... and I want your absolute honest opinion, okay? Oh! ...and on page two, he's not reaching for her "heaving beasts".
 * Phoebe: What? She could have "heaving beasts".
 * Rachel: Right, right... but in this case, she doesn't.
 * Monica: What's a niffle?
 * Joey: You can usually find them on the heaving beasts.
 * Rachel: All right, all right, all right. So I'm not a great typist…
 * Ross: Wait... Did you get to the part about his "huge, throbbing pens"? I'll tell ya... you don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those!
 * Rachel: Alright, that's it... Give 'em back!
 * Phoebe: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, no! I just got to the part about her "public hair."


 * Chandler: What are you guys doing out here?
 * Ross: Uh... uh... Well, Joey and I had discussed getting in an early morning racquetball game. But, um, apparently, somebody overslept.
 * Joey: Yeah, well, you don't have your racket.
 * Ross: No, no I don't, because it's being restrung. Somebody was supposed to bring me one.
 * Joey: Yeah, well you didn't call and leave your grip size.
 * Chandler: You guys spend way too much time together.

The One with the Dozen Lasagnas [1.12]

 * Joey: Ross, did you really read all these baby books?
 * Ross: Yup! You could plunk me down in the middle of any woman's uterus, no compass, and I can find my way out of there like [snaps fingers] that.


 * [Chandler and Joey are shopping for a new table]
 * Joey: Will you pick one? Just pick one. Here! How about that one?
 * Chandler: That's patio furniture.
 * Joey: So what? Like people are gonna come in and think "Uh-oh, I'm outside again!"

The One with the Boobies [1.13]

 * Roger: Maybe you wanted your marriage with Carol to fail.
 * Ross: No! Why would I... why? No. Why?
 * Roger: Siblings. You fail at something so your sibling will look better in the eyes of your parents.
 * Ross: I don't think that Monica's failures...
 * Monica: Oh, so I'm a failure now, is that it? I'm a bigger failure than you, is that right?
 * Ross: Hey, I married a lesbian to make you look good.


 * Rachel: Why can't parents just stay parents? You know? Why do they have to become people?

The One with the Candy Hearts [1.14]

 * Janice: I brought you something.
 * Chandler: Is it loaded?


 * Chandler: [Preparing to break up with Janice for the third time] There's no easy way to say this. At least, there's no new way for me to say this.

The One with the Stoned Guy [1.15]

 * Chandler: Can you see my nipples through this shirt?
 * Rachel: No. But don't worry, I'm sure they're still there.


 * Ross: Hey guys, does anybody know a good date place in the neighborhood?
 * Joey: How about Tony's? If you can finish a 32-ounce steak, it's free.
 * Ross: Hey, does anyone know a good place if you're not dating a puma?

Part 1 [1.16]

 * Phoebe: [about why she and her twin sister Ursula don't get along] It’s mostly just dumb sister stuff, you know. I mean, like, everyone always thought of her as the pretty one, you know... Oh, oh, she was the first one to start walking. Even though I did it, later that same day. But to my parents, by then it was like, "Yeah, right, so what else is new?"


 * [At the Lamaze class, mother-to-be Carol panics after seeing a videotaped birth.]
 * Ross: Everything's going to be all right.
 * Carol: What do you know?! No one's going up to you and saying, "Hi! Is that your nostril? Mind if we push this POT ROAST THROUGH IT?"

Part 2 [1.17]

 * Ross: I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid.
 * Chandler and Joey: That's nice.
 * Ross: No, no. With him. I'm on this field, and they... they hike me the baby. And I know I've gotta do something 'cause the Tampa Bay defense is coming right at me.
 * Joey: Tampa Bay's got a terrible team.
 * Ross: Right, but it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinkin' they can take us.

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 * Chandler: Okay, worst case scenario. Say you never feel like a father.
 * Ross: Uh-huh.
 * Chandler: Say your son never feels connected to you, as one. Say all of his relationships are affected by this.
 * Ross: Do you have a point?
 * Chandler: You know, you'd think I would.

The One with All the Poker [1.18]

 * [The gang is playing poker.]
 * Rachel: I will see you... and I'll raise you. What do you say... want to waste another buck?
 * Ross: No, not this time. [he folds] So what'd you have?
 * Rachel: I'm not telling.
 * Ross: Come on, show them to me. [He reaches for her cards. Rachel covers them up]
 * Rachel: No!
 * Ross: Show them to me!
 * Rachel: Get your hands out of there! No!
 * Ross: Let me see! Show them!
 * Chandler: You know, I've had dates like this.

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 * Ross: Your money is mine, Green.
 * Rachel: Your fly is open, Geller!

The One Where the Monkey Gets Away [1.19]

 * Samantha: Do you know anything about fixing radiators?
 * Joey: Um, sure! Did you, uh, did you try turning the knob back the other way?
 * Samantha: Of course.
 * Joey: Oh. Then no.

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 * [Rachel's ex-fiance Barry just came rushing into Monica's apartment and Ross was preparing to ask her out]
 * Barry Farber: Rachel, I can't marry Mindy anymore. I'm still in love with you.
 * 'Ross: We really'' need to start locking that door!

The One with the Evil Orthodontist [1.20]

 * Chandler: I got her machine.
 * Joey: Her answering machine?
 * Chandler: No. Interestingly enough, her leaf-blower picked up.

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 * Joey: Mr. Peanut is a better dresser. I mean he's got the monocle, he's got the top hat...
 * Phoebe: You know he's gay?
 * Ross: I just wanna clarify this: Are you outing Mr. Peanut?

The One with the Fake Monica [1.21]

 * Rachel: Monica, would you calm down? The credit card people said that you only have to pay for the stuff that you bought.
 * Monica Geller: Still... it's just such reckless spending.
 * Ross: I think when someone steals your credit card, they've kind of already thrown caution to the wind.
 * Chandler: Wow, what a geek. They spent $69.95 on a Wonder Mop.
 * Monica: That was me.

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 * Joey: My agent thinks I should have a name that's more neutral.
 * Chandler: Joey... Switzerland?

The One with the Ick Factor [1.22]

 * Ross: I can't believe you two had sex in her dream.
 * Chandler: I'm sorry, it was a one-time-thing. I was very drunk and it was someone else's subconscious.

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 * Chandler: Oh, come on. You told me about the last dream.
 * Rachel: No, forget it.
 * Chandler: Oh, why not. Was I doing anything particularly... saucy?
 * Rachel: All right, fine. Um, you were not the only one there... Joey was there, too.
 * Joey: All right!
 * Ross: Was there... uh, huh, huh, huh... anybody, anybody else there?
 * Rachel: No.
 * Ross: You're sure? Nobody uh, handed out, uh, mints or anything?
 * Rachel: No, it was just the three of us.
 * Ross: Huh!
 * Joey: So, tell me. Was it, like, you and Chandler, and then you and me, or you and me and Chandler?
 * Rachel [laughing]: You know what?
 * Joey [laughing]: What?
 * Rachel [laughing]: There were times when it wasn't even me.
 * [Chandler and Joey laugh until they look at each other, stopping suddenly]
 * Phoebe: That is so sweet, you guys. [hugs them]

The One with the Birth [1.23]

 * Monica Geller: I want a baby!
 * Chandler: You'll get one.
 * Monica: Oh really, when?
 * Chandler: All right. I'll tell you what. When we're 40, if neither one of us are married, what do you say you and I get together and have one?
 * Monica: Why won't I be married when I'm 40?
 * Chandler: Oh, no, no. I just meant hypothetically.
 * Monica: Okay, hypothetically, why won't I be married when I'm 40?
 * Chandler: Uh... Uh....
 * Monica: What is it, is there something fundamentally un-marry-able about me? Well?
 * Chandler: This parachute is a knapsack!

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 * Ross: Dammit! This is all your fault! This was supposed to be like the greatest day of my life, you know. My son is being born and... I should be in there, you know. Instead I'm stuck in a closet with you.
 * Susan: The woman I love is having a baby today, I've been waiting for this just as much as you have.
 * Ross: No, believe me, no one has been waiting for this just as much as I have. Okay, and you know what the funny thing is? When this thing is over, you get to go home with the baby, okay? Where does that leave me?
 * Susan: You get to be the baby's father. Everyone knows who you are. And who am I? There's Fathers Day, there's Mothers Day, there's no Lesbian Lover Day.
 * Ross: Every day is Lesbian Lover Day.

The One Where Rachel Finds Out [1.24]

 * Chandler: Men are here.
 * Joey: We make fire. Cook meat.
 * Chandler: Then put out fire by peeing. No get invited back.

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 * Phoebe: [regarding Ross' birthday gift to Rachel] I can't believe he got you that! It must've cost him a fortune!
 * Chandler: Oh, come on. Ross? Remember back in college when he fell in love with Carol and got her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?
 * Rachel: [stunned] What did you just say?
 * Chandler: [mortified pause] Crystal duck.
 * Rachel: No, no, the love part.
 * Chandler: [Hyperventilating] Flennen!
 * Rachel: Oh, my God!
 * Chandler: [rubbing his temples] Oh, no, no, no!
 * Joey: That's good, just keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time.