Frisky Dingo

Frisky Dingo is an American animated cartoon series created by Adam Reed and Matt Thompson for Adult Swim. The series revolved around the conflict between a supervillain named Killface and a superhero named Awesome X, alias billionaire Xander Crews, and much of the show's humor focuses on parodying superhero and action movie clichés.

Meet Killface

 * [Killface is holding Brent by his legs at the top of the Annihilatrix, threatening to drop him]
 * Killface: [sighs] You see, Brent? We all have jobs to do.
 * Brent: Great, there goes my pen! Great!
 * Killface: My job is to complete the Annihilatrix and destroy mankind by driving this vile planet straight into the Sun [Brent interrupts].
 * Brent: Wait! I have another idea! Listen...
 * Killface: And your job is to market it.
 * Brent: Listen! No listen!  We can get... Jason Alexander!
 * Killface: Great!
 * Brent: Yeah!
 * Killface: You can call him when you hit the ground!
 * Brent: Nooo! Wait, wait!  I got another idea!  Better than Jason Alexander!  I got, uh...
 * Killface: Don't say David Arquette to me!
 * Brent: I wo... well now that you say that I'm not going to.


 * [Killface is examining Annihilatrix DVD]
 * Brent: ...Any standard DVD player.
 * Killface: Or any uhh... "PC", it says here?
 * Brent: Yes, any Personal Computer with DVD capabiliti-
 * Killface: GREAT SCOTT!!
 * Valerie: [Screams out in panic]
 * Brent: What?
 * Killface: [Laughs], "PC"...
 * Brent: What?
 * Killface: ...Stands for "Personal Computer"... I just this moment got that... VALERIE!!!
 * Valerie: [Screams in panic again]
 * Killface: It's alright if you want to laugh.
 * [All three are silent]
 * Valerie: [Nervous laugh]
 * Killface: Good girl.

Meet Awesome X

 * Stan: Five million dollars?!
 * Xander: Well, I had to pay her off. I can't have some blabbity-mouth hooker running around with my secret identity!  That's the first thing they teach you.
 * Stan: Nobody cares about your secret identity!
 * Xander: It's to protect my loved ones.
 * Stan: You don't have any loved ones!
 * Xander: [gasp] Stan!
 * Stan: What, who? That girlfriend you treat like dirt? Your murdered parents?
 * [Quick shot of pictures of Xander's parents]
 * Stan: And you can say good-bye to the X-tacles.
 * Xander: Wh--What?
 * Stan: What what? You just spent their entire salary for the year.
 * Xander: See, I knew you were going to trick me into doing this!
 * Stan: Me?! You're the one who paid five million dollars for a blowjob!
 * Xander: I...it was a half-and-half, first of all; second of all...okay I'm going.


 * [Xander, as Awesome-X, has a conversation with the Xtacles.]
 * Xander: ...but the Crew Company funds the entire Awesome X operation. So, you know, take it up with Xander Crews.
 * Xtacle #1: Let's kill that son of a bitch!
 * Xtacles: Yeah!
 * Xander: No, no, let's don't--he's a good guy. We don't kill good guys. We kill bad guys, come on. It's in our charter
 * Xtacle #1: So, what's up with our 401(k)?
 * [Xander just turns his head and groans]
 * Xtacle #2: What--that's my nest egg! We're still gonna have health insurance, right?
 * Xtacle #1: Oh my God! Health insurance, I need that.
 * [Xander just clears his throat]
 * Xtacles: What?!
 * Xtacle #3: Are we at least eligible for COBRA?
 * Xander: What, the little... the G. I. Joe dolls?
 * Xtacle #2: No, not the G. I. Joe dolls.

Pimp My Revenue

 * Sinn: If he always throws his food on the floor, how is he so fat?
 * Simon: [gasps and runs off]
 * Killface: No, son... [to Sinn] Now look what you've done!
 * Sinn: Sire, I'm sorry!
 * Killface: Apologize to his self-esteem! Now we've talked about the chubby cycle.  One snarky comment like that and he's back in the cupboard!  And he was doing so well! Three pounds this week!
 * Sinn: Yes sire.
 * Killface: Shut up. Just shut up and eat the cereal.
 * Sinn: It's got glass in it!
 * [glares at her until she gets on the floor and begins eating the cereal]]


 * Killface: [on climbing machine] ...then find me that printer so I can cut his arms off.
 * Valerie: But you signed off on...
 * Killface: Mention those proofs again and just see what happens, Valerie.
 * Valerie: Look, bad grammar aside, forty million people just saw your postcard.
 * Killface: [stopping exercise] Bugger me! They poll those numbers?
 * Valerie: It's the highest-rated daytime show ever.
 * Killface: Ugh, I hate America.
 * Valerie: [leading] And their booker owes me a favor.
 * Killface: No, she doesn't. Valerie, if you could get me on Live With Mitzi and Verl, I'd...I'd want two segments--not the one after Verl monologue, that's garbage time--but the next two, after the break.  Valerie, you get me on there, you just name your reward.
 * Valerie: I'd like for you to let me go.
 * Killface: [resuming exercise] Well, you know...except for that.

XPO

 * Awesome X: Just a damn minute, Mr. man, are you even Asian?
 * [Mao wipes away glasses and fake eyebrows]
 * Mao: Yeah, see, I kinda got this minority business loan.
 * [X-tacles cock and point guns at Mao]
 * Awesome X: Those loans are for non-threatening educated women of color.
 * Xtacle #1: Yeah, like maybe she wants to go into real estate.
 * Xtacle #2: Or maybe open up a beauty salon.
 * Xander: Screw it, shoot him.
 * Mao: Hey. Hey, whoa.  Can't we work something out here.  [slips him a postcard]
 * Xander: More. More.  More, like a whole box more.  And the villabouts of the whereain Kelly.
 * Xtacle #1: Whereabouts of the villain killface.
 * Xander: Did I say the villabouts of the whereain Kelly?
 * Xtacle #1: Yeah
 * Xander: 'Cause I've been doing that a lot lately. I wonder if it's a tumor.
 * Xtacle #1: I know a good cancer doctor.


 * Killface: Sinn, meet Mr Watley. But don't get too friendly.  I'm afraid he's one of our competitors.
 * Sinn: Charmed
 * [the two stare deeply in each other's eyes]
 * Watley: [strains as a plopping sound is heard]
 * Killface: Did you just... lay a clutch of eggs?
 * Watley: Well, I gotta go. You should get those in some sand.  [runs off embarassed]
 * Killface: That's... something you don't see every day... one hopes.

Kidnapped!

 * Xander: Looking back, Operation Snooperfax was a little...convoluted. Convoluted.
 * Stan: Convoluted? Damn it, you just about used up all of our operating capital.
 * Xander: Do we still have enough to pay for Train Island?
 * Stan: Yes, your little choo-choos are safe.
 * Xander: Nice!
 * Stan: Only because I had to make some pretty deep cuts in...elsewhere.
 * [The X-tacles receive their drastically deducted paychecks]
 * X-tacle #1: Guess I'll call Jan and tell her we're not going to Orlando.
 * X-tacle #2: Orlando? Dude, this won't even cover my mortgage.


 * Sinn: You didn't kill the taxi driver?
 * Killface: You know, I was, but I think it's hard enough on the Arabs in this beastly country right now.
 * Sinn: I don't think he's Arab.
 * Phil: No, I'm pretty sure that guy is Filipino.
 * Killface: Well then. [Shoots the taxi driver] London calling.
 * Grace: Oh my God! Yes! THAT is exactly the kind of bloodlust that makes for a phenomenal interview.  Hi.  Grace Ryan, Force 10 News.
 * Killface: And you must be Killface. What am I saying?  Of course you're not Killface, not with a face like that; no one in their right mind would think to call you...I'm Killface...if anybody is.

Emergency Room

 * Killface: Fetch the minivan. We're off to murder that wretch Xander Crews.
 * Grace: Don't you dare hurt him!
 * Sinn: Sire, Phil has cancer!
 * Killface: First of all, he's obviously not that into you.
 * [Grace gasps]
 * Killface: Phil, given your strict forcemeats-and-cheese regimen, the only real surprise is you're not dead already.
 * Phil: Phil, grappling with the cold reality of death, has no pithy rejoinder.


 * Grace: Oh my God, Xander, where are you?
 * Killface: Well, wherever he is, I'm sure he's laughing his fat face off.
 * [Aboard the Xcalibur, Xander is tied to a chair getting punched by the Xtacles]
 * X-tacle #1: Who's laughing now, Crews?
 * Xander: I wasn't laughing before. ''[Punch]]
 * X-tacle #2: I'm gonna punch him so friggin' hard.
 * X-tacle #3: I'm gonna smash his face in!
 * X-tacle #4: I'm gonna blow him. [Everybody looks at him] UP!  Wh... [Walks off] Queers!

Meet Antagone

 * [sitar Music Plays]
 * Phil: Ohn-Naa. Ohn-Naa.
 * Killface: No no no no! Stop that! Stop that Mantra!
 * Phil: Oh Hi, and a blessed day to you.
 * Killface: [annoyed] mm?
 * Phil: [Optimistic] Mm!
 * Killface: mm?
 * Phil: Mm! Ohn-Naa.
 * [Killface shoots through Phil's Speakers, ending the Sitar Music]
 * Killface: Get the hell out of Here!
 * Phil: Mm, I can't. Lorraine kicked me out when she found out I had cancer.
 * Killface: That fat slag!
 * Phil: Enh!
 * Killface: Surely this town has a Y, Philip?
 * Phil: No, I'm getting a pretty nice Healing Vibe here. Good for my Chakra.
 * Killface: No, No, Cancer's a bad influence on Simon! Worse than Sinn and that Prawn and...whatever happend to Val?
 * [The eyes of Mrs Killface's Portrait slide back, revealing Valerie's eyes, looking shifty; the original eyes are replaced.]
 * Killface: Anyway, get your candles and your, white cells or whatever and just pop on down to the Y, hm?
 * Phil: Ohmmmmy lawyers say the Annihilatrix caused my cancer.
 * Killface: What lawyers?
 * Phil: It's all here in the lawsuit.
 * Killface: ... ...My God, the stones on you.


 * Killface: [Unable to get his money out of the bank after Phil spends the money he received from suing Killface] Ridiculous! A hundred and eighty dollars for snake oil?
 * Phillip: Shark oil, and some of that was for the bath salts and add... the luffa.
 * Killface: Oh damn your luffa... [Starts pounding the machine] and damn Xander Crews and damn his snotty back!
 * Phillip: Yeah, why do you bank here anyway?
 * Killface: [Temporarily with a happier tone] Checking with interest. [Starts pounding the machine again, breaking it] But now this blasted machine tells me my checking account can't be accessed!!
 * Phillip: Wow, already?
 * Killface: I d- I beg your pardon?
 * Phillip: Well, we had to freeze your assets. [Killface tries to suppress his anger with a deep breath] Come on, its common sense. I'm sorry, you want some walking around money?
 * Killface: No, I want to go you to the car and get some plasma charges and blow Xander Crews' crummy, little bank to-

(The bank explodes, knocking Killface and Phillip away)
 * Phillip: My loofah, where's my loofah?!
 * Killface: Shut up, Phil.

Blind Faith

 * Grace: [rapidly, holding stolen gems] Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.
 * Xander: Grace! Open the damn door, it's Xander!
 * Grace: [tone of Antagone, eyes glowing green] Xander Crews?
 * Xander: Yes, idiot!
 * [Grace/Antagone growls]
 * [Antagone opens door]
 * Xander Hey fun bags, where's my idiot girlfriend?
 * [Xander gets knocked out]


 * Xander: [Xander has hit the blind Killface with his car] Hey, hey, no no man, don't move, man. I think you got a concussion.
 * Killface: Ow! What happened?
 * Xander: Hit... hit... hit... and... and they ran... hit and run, plateless gang car.
 * Killface: Oh! On a blind man! Crap! Yes, riding dirty, no doubt... With their... Bubba Kush. Well I, sir, am Killface. And you are in my debt... I'm in your debt.
 * Xander: Yeah, you have a house.
 * Killface: Yes, let's go to my house. take Naps. Where's my food?
 * Xander: Yeah, here...
 * Killface: My head... kills.
 * Xander: Um... this is actually just full of rocks.
 * Killface: Oh, that guy!
 * Xander: Yeah. [Laughs] ChickParm does that to blind people all the time.
 * Killface: Oh, I hate them!
 * Xander: Yeah, my girlfriend even did a thing on the news about it-
 * Killface: Is your girlfriend on the news?
 * Xander: My... what?
 * Killface: Grace Ryan? Wait a minute. Who are you? Shhhhh. You smell that? I smell crickets.
 * Xander: We should go to your house.
 * Killface: Yes, let's go to my house. Take naps. And y... what's your name? I don't even know your name.
 * Xander: Um... uh... mmm... Barnaby Jones.
 * Killface: [Beat] Barnaby Jones!
 * Xander: Yeah.
 * Killface: [Singing] People, let me tell ya 'bout my new best friend, Barnaby Jones! [Long pause] ...Nap.

The Odd Couple

 * Stan: [as Awesome X through transmission] How did he even escape anyway?
 * X-tacle #1: We're...dealing with that internally, X.
 * Stan: Inte...I'll deal with you internally!
 * [The X-tacles gasp as Stan holds up a remote.]
 * Stan: Yes, you'd better gasp collectively, because until you find Xander Crews, I'm gonna blow one of your heads off every hour. [1 X-tacle's head axplodes] Starting now
 * [Transmission ends]
 * X-tacle #1: Oh my f-ing God...
 * X-tacle #2: Every hour? What are we going to do?
 * X-tacle #3: First of all, maybe we shouldn't have agreed to have remote-controlled explosives put in our necks.
 * X-tacle #1: Well where were you at contract time?
 * X-tacle #3: Your mom's house. [X-tacle #1 points gun at #3] Cleaning! Dude I was only cleaning.
 * X-tacle #1: [holstering gun] Yeah, that's what I thought.
 * X-tacle #3: [pointing his own gun] Her vagina!


 * X-tacle #2: What's that supposed to be?
 * X-tacle #3: A little ashtray.
 * X-tacle #2: For who?
 * X-tacle #3: It's...it's for my mom.
 * X-tacle #2: Wh--Diane still smokes?
 * X-tacle #3: Yeah, right in the...you know... [points at neck] the little neckhole.
 * X-tacle #4: Dude!
 * X-tacle #3: Dude I know... It's My mom

Flowers for Nearl

 * X-tacle #1: Okay, got the tuxedo shirt.
 * X-tacle #2: Uhh...what is that?
 * Nearl: Everybody is Ken!
 * X-tacle #1: What is what?
 * X-tacle #2: That!
 * X-tacle #1: It's the shirt.
 * X-tacle #2: Really. And is it me, or is it 1987? A winged collar.  Are you...doing this?
 * X-tacle #3: What are...what's everybody doing?
 * X-tacle #2: No, that's great. Maybe you and Nearl...
 * Nearl: I'm Nearl!
 * X-tacle #2: ...your f*cking prom date can borrow your dad's f*cking time machine...
 * X-tacle #3: Please don't do this.
 * X-tacle #2: ...and fly it into the gym down there at I'm-a-jackoff High School...
 * Nearl: Everybody!
 * X-tacle #2: ...and slow dance to Lisa Lisa and motherf*cking Cult Jam!
 * Nearl: Lisa Lisa, the one I adore!
 * X-tacle #4: [running in] I think it's the Cult Jam.
 * X-tacle #1: [as Ed McMahon] You are correct, sir.
 * X-tacle #2: No, he isn't, nor is that collar!
 * X-tacle #3: Can we just fix the collar?
 * X-tacle #5: [at sewing machine] Oh, sure, why not? I'll just do it tonight while I'm missing another recital.


 * X-tacle #1: So...who's read Flowers for Algernon?
 * Nearl: Ken!
 * X-tacle #2: Oooh, about the kid with all the chains, and the goggles, and at the end he gets killed with a shotgun?
 * Xtacles #2, #3, #4: Boosh!!
 * X-tacle #1: That's Harrison Bergeron.
 * Xtacles #2, #3, #4: Hollywood Squares!
 * X-tacle #1: That's Tom Bergeron.
 * X-tacle #2: Brother of Menelaus!
 * X-tacle #1: Damn it, that's Agamemnon!

The Grate Escape

 * Killface: Barnaby, listen.
 * Xander Crews: What?
 * Killface: I thought I heard something. [Xander Crews screams and presses against Killface]
 * Xander Crews: I bet it's a chud.
 * Killface: We really need to get you some pants.
 * Xander Crews: Yeah, that's not a pickle.
 * Killface: I know. It's your penis.
 * Xander Crews: My penis? [deepens voice] My penis.
 * Killface: Barnaby...
 * Xander Crews: Scrinching back!


 * [Old Spice, Xander and Killface navigate the Torpedo Vegas sewers]
 * Killface: All right, tell Old Spice thanks for helping us escape… uh the map… Oh! And thanks for these new eyes!
 * Xander: [in Mandarin] Thanks for your help. And the eyes.
 * Old Spice: [in Mandarin] The glasses are only temporary.
 * Xander: Neat!
 * Killface: Oh, this bag of radishes.
 * Xander: [in Mandarin] Also, thanks for the radishes!
 * Killface: Move over bananas, I found a new source of potassium.
 * Old Spice: [in Mandarin] There should also be a turnip.
 * Killface: Oh, and tell him… [looks at Xander] you know, you’re really dead handsome.
 * Xander: [in Mandarin] He says you’re very handsome.
 * Old Spice: [looks nonplussed at Killface then Xander. In Mandarin] Tell him I have a wife. In China.
 * Xander: Uh… he says he has a car, in China.
 * Killface: Well, I don’t care about his car!
 * Xander: Well, I’m not gonna tell him that!
 * Killface: No, do tell him! Tell him that verbatim.
 * Xander: Owning a car in China has got to be, like, a huge deal! Of course he’s proud!
 * Killface: Barnaby.
 * Xander: Think how many rags he had to pick!
 * Killface: Time’s a bit of a factor here.
 * Xander: TELL HIM YOU’RE PROUD OF HIS CAR!
 * Killface: What does it matter what I say?
 * Xander: Well, he speaks English.
 * Killface: [to Old Spice] You speak English?
 * Old Spice: Yes.
 * Killface: [walks away] Mm-hmm.


 * Killface: Then I'll face off with Torpedo Vegas mano-a-mano. Probably with katanas. [Killface slashes at Vegas with a katana]
 * Torpedo Vegas: You win this round... Killface... [the top half of his torso begins to slide off.]
 * Killface: Then I'll have a tearful reunion with Simon and we can all go home. Bing bong bing.
 * Xander Crews: Yeah. My part's kinda gay.
 * Killface: Hah! Wait til you hear Plan B!
 * Xander Crews: Uh...what's Plan B?
 * [They Round a corner and are faced with a dozen gun-wileding guards]
 * Guard: Fleeze, douche bags!
 * Killface: I don't actually have one.

Penultimate Fighting

 * Torpedo Vegas: He's like a kid in a candy shop, and that candy is... success. And I'm that friendly man at this cash register with a handle bar mustache *chuckles*
 * Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: What?
 * Killface: I think I'm missing the key reference.
 * Torpedo Vegas: I can't have people sneaking in here leaking dooky water on my rugs. That's unacceptable.
 * Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: I HAVE PATTY HEARST SYNDROME!
 * Killface: Barnaby just-
 * Torpedo Vegas: I'm getting furious at you, you don't even have any pants on.
 * Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: Neither does he!
 * Torpedo Vegas: Well he doesn't have a penis! As far as I can tell...
 * Killface: I - uh -
 * Xander Crews / Barnaby Jones: Yeah, what is the story on that?
 * Killface: Oh, like you can talk.
 * Xander Crews: Hey, my penis fills an entire tall-boy.
 * [Quick cut to Xander, as Awesome X, dancing in front of the X-ticles, naked except for a beercan covering his groin and shouting "Master Cylinder!" through a megaphone. Cut back to Torpedo Jones' lair]
 * Torpedo Jones: [Scoffing] I'm sure it doesn't fill it.


 * Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: Oh, you're fuckin' dead.
 * Killface: Yes, that's the spirit, Barnaby. [Xander smashes Killface in the face] Oh you're really selling it.
 * Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: Oh, what's that? I obviously can't hear you.
 * Killface: Okay, Barnaby?
 * Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: Hey, I'm Killface, and I have a plan! Let me shoot your fuckin' eyes out! And then, let's wander around a fuckin' sewer our whole lives, looking for my fat ass, weirdo kid!
 * Killface: Hey-
 * Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: Who just happens to be-
 * Killface: Barnaby-
 * Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: The world's fattest fucking pussy! [Killface yells and bashes Xander to the ground]
 * Killface: You made me do that! [Steps on Xander's neck]
 * Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: Well, your kid's still a pussy.
 * Killface: Barnaby-
 * Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: 'Cause you are a failure as a parent.

Thrust Issues

 * [After Simon attempts to re-hang a portrait of his mother up]
 * Killface: So just leave Lady Mom on the floor as a painful remainder of everyone I clutch to my bosom in friendship, only to feel the icy pang of betrayal as they sink their serpent's teeth into my... y'know... my bosom!
 * [Phillip enters, wearing a tuxedo and carrying a basket of pickles]
 * Phillip: [Cheerfully] Well, my ears are burnin'.
 * Killface: Wha... Phillip?!
 * Phillip: Ta-daaa!
 * [Icy pause]
 * Killface: [Stand-offish] Eager to know why you're here.
 * Killface: Have you come to gloat?
 * Phillip: That, and I think I might have left my Zune here. Have ya seen it?
 * Killface: I don't know.
 * Phillip: No? It's a...
 * Killface: No, nothing here but a profound sense of betrayal.
 * Phillip: ... little Zune, it's got Mp3s on it...
 * Killface: Oh, and back knives.
 * Phillip: Ah, it's no biggie, I'll just buy a new one. I'm a billionaire now, you know.
 * Killface: Yes, I can tell by the tuxedo.
 * Phillip: Yep, that's what we wear. Y'know.
 * Killface: ZZ Top would be proud.
 * Phillip: Chompa chompa.
 * Phillip: Chompa chompa.


 * [Arranging to swap the $20 billion check for the Annihilatrix key]
 * Xander Crews: We threw 'em! We throw 'em on three!
 * Killface: No, I-I think it's windy for...
 * Xander Crews: [Yelling quickly] One two three!
 * [Startled, Killface throws the check; it is caught by the wind before Xander (who didn't throw the key) can catch it]
 * Xander Crews: [Beat]... what the fuck, dude?!
 * Killface: You said throw it!
 * Xander Crews: Why?!... did I say that?!
 * Killface: 'Cause you're an idiot! And a liar! You didn't even throw yours!
 * [Pause]
 * Xander Crews: I was gonna keep them both!
 * Killface: You - Well, serves you right then!

Behold a Dark Horse

 * Mr. Ford: Well... bad is a relative term.
 * (On the phone at his office)
 * Mr. Ford: I said, what you think about global warming? Huh?  Well, get a job, you damn hippie!  Huh?  Aww, fuck you.
 * (Back to documentary interview)
 * Mr. Ford: Basically, I just make stuff up and fax it over there.
 * (cut from Mr. Ford's fax machine to Killface's)
 * Killface: Oh! Ooh!  There's a fax coming!
 * (Back to documentary interview)
 * Mr. Ford: Some weeks he doin' good, other weeks, he's not doin'... he's not doin' any good.


 * Killface: (campaign stop at A.M.E. Zion Church, dressed like Michael Vick) Hello, African Zionists. Pleasure to be here, and how about that Jesus Christ, hmm? He's one bad mother--
 * Churchgoer: You Hush your mouth!
 * Killface: I'm just talkin' 'bout Christ.
 * (At apartment)
 * Killface: We should send them a pie basket.
 * Dottie: They don't eat pie.
 * Killface: Yes, they do.
 * Dottie: Have you ever actually met a black person?
 * Killface: Of course! Sinn was black.
 * Dottie: I don't think a servant...
 * Killface: Indentured servant...technically
 * Dottie: How did you ever win the primary?
 * (Shot of Killface on top of bus in ticker-tape parade, banner reading "Thanks Killface. Global Warming Cured")
 * Killface: Duh.

The Opposition

 * Xander: Can you even be gay for a robot? [in robot tone] Beep-beep, I am a gay-bot!
 * Xtacle: ..Y-..you think we're robots?!
 * Xander: [in robot tone] May I offer you a robot blowjob?
 * Xtacle: ..this-this is just armor! [clanks helmet]
 * Xander: Power down gay robot; that is an an earthman order!
 * Xtacle: Okay, hang on...
 * [Xtacle takes off helmet, revealing a human head.]
 * Xander: [Gasp]
 * Xander: Oh my... god...
 * Xtacle: That's what I've been saying.
 * Xander: You look.. so... real!
 * Xtacle: [exhasperated sigh] Look-
 * Xander: Can I... touch you?
 * Xtacle: Kinda prefer you didn't.
 * Xander: Just be still.
 * Xtacle: No, hey, come on!
 * Xander: Feel my touch.
 * [Xander sucker punches the Xtacle in the face, knocking him unconscious]


 * Xander: So, what's this whole movie deal about Killface?
 * Camera Man: Actually, he's running for president.
 * Xander: He's what?! How?!
 * Camera Man: Yeah, cause when he activated the Anihalatrix, he cured Global Warming.
 * Xander: Wait, no, I turned it on!
 * Camera Man: Well, he says he did.
 * Xander: Son of a BITCH!
 * Cmaera Man: Yeah, so do cabs ever come by here?
 * Xander: Well, you know what? If he's running for President, then so am I!
 * Camera Man: Well, it takes, like, tons and tons of money to run for president.
 * Xander: [Holds up check containing his billions.] Well, is that enough? Ka-kow!
 * Camera Man: Hey, when did you get the check back?
 * Xander: Oh, just right after that whole incident with it blowing away.
 * [Flashback, Xander comes down from Annihilatrix in elevator]
 * Xander: Yeah, have fun getting the shit stomped outta you by the Xtacles when I go back to my house to get my Awesome X gear from that hooker who was living there the last time I... [check blows into his face] ...checked.
 * Xander: Apparently, it's been here the whole time...SUCKERS!!

The Issues

 * Xander: I need somebody who gets me, and also somebody who's a fighter, Stan. Just a tenacious smashin' bastard.
 * Stan: Yep.
 * Xander: He may be a little older...
 * Stan: Mm-hmmm.
 * Xander: Maybe a little balder...
 * Stan: Well...
 * Xander: But he's still the only player in NFL history to get two safeties in a single game.
 * Stan: [pause] I'm sorry?
 * Xander: Yes, Stan--two-time Pro Bowler Fred Dryer!
 * Stan: You mean, TV's Hunter?
 * Xander: He was Hunter?!

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 * Xander: You, Grace, do the roar.
 * Grace: What?
 * Xander: Roar like the "Team Jaguar" jaguar. [Grace roars quietly] Damn it, you're an apex predator. [Grace roars louder] Yeah! That's how she sounds when I'm bangin' her.
 * [Talking head]
 * Grace: I know, I just...can't stay mad at him. I'm gonna have his babies. [Holds up vial labelled "Xander Crews"]
 * Camera Man: Is that...?
 * Grace: Uh-huh.
 * Camera Man: Shouldn't that be in a freezer?
 * Grace: Sometimes I like to hold them.

The Image Problem

 * Xander: You think they're looking for us?
 * Killface: Both presidential candidates lost in a...duck bog? They must be.
 * [In Killface's apartment, Dottie and Taqu'il watch a NASCAR race]
 * Taqu'il: Man, I can't believe this.
 * Dottie: Well, it's not like we can stay out there all night.
 * Taqu'il: No, I can't believe I've been missing out on this white-knuckle thrill ride. Lookit, Junior's makin' a move!
 * Dottie: God love him.
 * Stan: All right, who's ready for another Tom Collins?
 * Dottie: See, now he gets me.

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 * Killface: It's the international, you know, cry for help in the wilderness, bang bang bang, three quick shots.
 * Xander: Where'd you hear that?
 * Killface: It was in...oh, God, what was it? There was this whacking great bear...
 * Xander: Oh, was it that movie The Bear?
 * Killface: Shut up, no, it was...
 * Xander: B.J. and the Bear?
 * Killface: Tony Hopkins was in it.
 * Xander: Oh, God, is he great?
 * Killface: I could watch him read the phone book.
 * Xander: And pay money to see it.
 * Killface: I'd like to just smell his hair.

The Miracle

 * Dottie: ...and, as you know, American voters insist on a Christian president.
 * Killface: That's me. I'm Christian in spades!
 * Dottie: But you have to be subtle about it.
 * Killface: I'm subtle in spades!
 * Taqu'il: They also don't want you to use the word "spades" all the damn time.

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 * Xander: (on headline outing Simon) BOOSH! Dude, we have got to jump on this with both feet.
 * Stan: Nope.
 * Xander: I want WebTV, I want Bluetube...
 * Stan: Nope, we leave this one alone.
 * Xander: Why?
 * Stan: Because two words: John Kerry.
 * Xander: Who?
 * Stan: Exactly.
 * Xander: [Beat] ...He some sort of famous gay dude?

The Middle

 * Xander: I do have shortlist of four tentative maybes.
 * Stan: [grabbing list]] Let's see here...
 * Xander: Okay, Snatch-mo.
 * Stan: [reading] Roxanne, the Real Roxanne, Roxanne Shanté, and Salman Rushdie.
 * Xander: Which...I think it's actually "Salmon."

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 * [Fifty minutes after the computer goes down]
 * Stan: No, what are the last three digits?
 * Xander: I don't even see the I.P. address.
 * Stan: It's right up...
 * Xander: Now I'm thinking of I.P Freely. Now I'm thinking of Ace Frehley. Stan, Ace Frehley...
 * Stan: Oh, for fuck's sake...
 * Xander: Put him in on list.
 * Stan: Why is the damn thing turned off?
 * Xander: You said shut down.
 * Stan: Momentarily, a half an hour ago!
 * Xander: Well, I didn't go to computer academy!
 * Stan: Oh, shut the fuck up!

The Debate, Part One

 * Wendell: So, yeah. This is, uh...  I'm undercover.
 * Killface: Undercover for what?
 * Dottie: Uh, aiy... Wendell's volunteered to look into some new fundraising avenues.
 * Wendell: Yeeeep! Commence Operation: Meth Nazi!
 * Killface: Operation WHAT?
 * [Wendell drives off on moped, crashing into glass]
 * Killface: Wendell!
 * Wendell: Oi!
 * Killface: I...don't have a great feeling about this.
 * Dottie: Oh, grow up. Do you know how many American politicians are funded by the Neo-Nazis?
 * Killface: Wh...shut up.
 * Dottie: My God, there's Congressman [bleep], and Senator [bleep], not to mention Vice-[bleep] [bleep].
 * [Cut to talking head]
 * Killface: Going to bleep those, I hope.

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 * Awesome X: [flying through air with Ronnie on his back] Quit grinding your fucking dick on me!
 * Ronnie: I cannot find comfort.
 * Awesome X: How about finding Killface's house?
 * Ronnie: Okay, but first, guess what.
 * Awesome X: What?
 * Ronnie: I feel like hobbit...on eagle.
 * Awesome X: Well, that's great, Ronnie...
 * Ronnie: Oh, Bilbo Baggins.
 * Awesome X: [fuel gauge on wrist reads empty] ...because now you guess what. [Both plummet to ground]

The Debate, Part Two

 * Clerk: You wanna watch while I call the police?
 * Wendell: No, wait, I got some money down here in my sock.
 * Xander: See, he's got sock money.
 * Wendell: But...
 * Ronnie: [with ice cream] Here, you lick...with tongue.
 * Wendell: [with Awesome X mask and gun] You got change for a .38?! [Shoots clerk five times]
 * Xander: What the fuck, Wendell?!
 * Wendell: Wendell X.

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 * Carter: First question, both candidates--Article Two of the Constitution.
 * Xander: The what?
 * Killface: Um... [Lamont quacks]
 * Xander: Why does he get a spirit animal? I think my buzzer's broken!
 * Killface: Is that the one about tariffs?
 * Carter: No, it's the one that says you have to be at least 35 years old and a US citizen in order to be President.
 * Killface: Well, that can't be right. I'm not even a legal resident.
 * Xander: And I'm only 33.
 * Carter: So, follow-up--why are you idiots wasting everybody's time when you can't even be elected?

A Take on Hooper

 * Doctor: So listen. I can't give you an okay to...
 * Xander: Stand those pants up.
 * Doctor: ...go battle a cadre of supervillains on top of a giant doomsday device.
 * Xander: Well, not with that attitude!
 * Doctor: Remember when Killface punched you with a penguin at the Haggar Pants Presidential Debate (Turns on X-ray of Xander's spine)
 * Xander: Uh, vaguely, yeah.
 * Doctor: Well, that cracked your C3 and C4 vertebrae, so... you ever see Hooper?
 * Xander: Yeah, that robot with the big tits!
 * Doctor: No, but that sounds awesome.
 * Xander: It is!
 * Doctor: I meant the Burt Reynolds movie where he's a hard-living stuntman.
 * Xander: That sounds awesome.
 * Doctor: It is. Anyway, one more impact to the neck, and you'll be paralyzed.
 * Xander: My third-greatest fear!
 * Doctor: Same basic plot as in the movie.
 * Xander: God, that sounds awesome.
 * Doctor: It is.
 * Xander: But who's gonna stop Hooper?
 * Doctor: Well, it's already out on DVD.
 * Xander: No, I mean the robot with the big tits.
 * Doctor: Really sounds awesome.
 * Xander: It is.
 * Doctor: Anyway...
 * (Wendell, dressed in Awesome X top, delivers a flying kick to the Doctor)
 * Wendell: I actually have some thoughts on that.
 * Doctor: Oh my God, now my neck's broken!

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 * Wendell: What! How could you even say that? I'm a freakin' force of nature here. Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew--
 * Xander: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! ::crash::
 * Wendell: Oh...I'll get you a new lamp.
 * Xander: Yeah, that was actually a sconce.
 * Wendell: Still though...
 * Xander: Yeah, it's just...I kind of spent a lot of time developing the Awesome X brand.
 * Wendell: Totally, yeah and it's understandable, you know, you're protective of it.
 * Xander: And I hate for you to go up there and...
 * Wendell: I get it.
 * Xander: ...get your fat ass handed to you.
 * Wendell: Wow.
 * Xander: Yeah.
 * Wendell: You just, ah...went ahead and put it out there.
 * Xander: Well...
 * Wendell: Muffin Top X!
 * Xander: Well...
 * Wendell: Just so you know, this armor does not protect my feelings.
 * Xander: Ok, you know what? Yeah, do it.
 * Wendell: Really?
 * Xander: Yeah, because either your dumb ass dies or you somehow manage to kill the unspeakable horror about to spew forth from my ex-girlfriend's womb.
 * Wendell: Um...
 * Xander: Cause ah, you know, big picture, child support...
 * Wendell: You gonna...
 * Xander: I'm not saying perform an abortion...
 * Wendell: Oh my god...
 * Xander: But, let's see if you can't stab that thing while it's still in her belly.
 * Wendell: Could maybe stab her in the belly if I had a machete.
 * Xander: Well...your words.

Wendell Goes Undercover Again

 * [baby kicks in Antagone's womb]
 * Deceptatacle #1: Whoa! Oh my god, that is adorable!
 * Antagone: He's really getting worked up!
 * Deceptatacle #2: Oh yeah, definitely some activity down here.
 * Antagone: Can you see him, is he crowning?
 * Deceptatacle #2: I don't know or care what that means.
 * Antagone: He's gonna come soon, I can feel it!
 * Deceptatacle #2: You can feel that?

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 * Xander: Mmm, yeah I'm gonna pass... on that... because it is retarded! Wendell!
 * Wendell: Yes?
 * Xander: Go kill that baby, buddy.
 * Scientist: Now there's a movie I haven't seen.
 * Xander: Uhh Vera Drake?
 * Scientist: Didn't see it.
 * Xander: It's... for an abortion movie? Pretty funny.
 * Scientist: Let's rent it.
 * Xander: Done! All abort! Toot toot!

Cody Gains a Namesake

 * Deceptacle #1: All right, let me get this straight. You're saying that Steve guy and the crab-man killed Sinn.
 * Val: Yeah, then put me in her armor to make it look like I did it...
 * Deceptacle #2: Damn, that Steve's crafty.
 * Val: ...then took off with the bug-lady to give birth in a secret location.
 * Deceptacle #1: They're probably starting an ant-baby machete-squad splinter group! (All Decepticles gasp)
 * Val: Steve mentioned that.

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 * Wendell: Big push, big push! Wait, wait, wait, stop, stop, stop!
 * Antagone: What?!
 * Wendell: I'm gonna throw up. (Hovers to bathroom)
 * Antagone: Get back here!
 * Wendell: (in bathroom, having vomited) Do you have any Scope?
 * Antagone: Get your fat ass back here!

Differences Are Put Slightly Aside

 * Killface: What on earth are you wearing?
 * Xander: It's a halo, idiot! Not grab bars.
 * Killface: Are those underoos?
 * Xander: I'm Awesome X!
 * Killface: Oh...
 * Xander: Ta-da.
 * Killface: I don't...know if I ever knew that. (Simon mumbles) Oh, you don't even know if you're gay or not.
 * Xander: Snip-snap.
 * Killface: Snip-snap, indeed.

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 * Deceptacle #1: Aw yeah, get 'em in there! (Kicks barrel of mini-cobs into pool) Can't have a clambake without corn.
 * Deceptacle #2: Can we have one without clams?
 * Deceptacle #1: Okay, uh...this is now Lowcountry boil.
 * Deceptacle #2: Yeah, I still think that has clams.
 * Deceptacle #1: Well, I'm sorry the prison food truck didn't have a fresh load of quahogs, but let's still give it up to Curtis for lettin' us hijack it!