Glee (Season 3)


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Glee is an American musical comedy-drama television series airing on Fox. It was created by Ryan Murphy, Brad Falchuk, and Ian Brennan. The pilot episode of the show was broadcast on May 19, 2009, and the rest of the season began on September 9, 2009. Fox initially ordered thirteen episodes of Glee, picking the show up for a full season on September 21, 2009, ordering nine more episodes. The remainder of the first season aired for nine consecutive weeks starting on April 13, 2010 and ending on June 8, 2010, when the season finale was broadcast. The series completed its fifth season on May 13, 2014, and began its sixth and final season on January 9, 2015

The Purple Piano Project [3.01]

 * Jacob: Brittany, what are your plans for the future?
 * Brittany: Wait, are you working on a time machine too?


 * Brittany: I was sure that our Nationals trophy would grow over the summer.


 * Puck: She was the one that got away...very, very slowly.


 * Kurt: Why is that T-Rex eating that Jew?


 * Kurt: I want my senior year to be magic and the only way that's going to happen is if I get to spend every minute of every day with you.


 * Quinn: Senior year and I’ve finally found myself. Not sure what the tipping point was; dyeing my hair, the nose ring, my ironic tattoo of Ryan Seacrest. But one thing I know, I’m never going back.
 * Santana: Quinn, look, this is our senior year. And frankly, being on the Cheerios isn't the same without you.
 * Quinn: You guys are such suckers for going back to Sue Sylvester.
 * Santana: Come on, screw her. This is for us. We can win two National championships this year. We joined Cheerios together, we joined Glee club together, we all slept with Puckerman the same year. We're like besties for life.
 * Brittany: Yeah, come on, Quinn. We used to be the Three Musketeers. Now Santana and I are like Almond Joy and you're like a Jolly Rancher that fell in the ashtray.
 * Quinn: You guys never understood the pressure I was under. It sucked. I'm not interested in the boys, or the makeup, or the polyester outfits.
 * Santana: Look, I've got a bar of soap and a bottle of peroxide with your name on it in my locker. Come on, Quinn. You can't break up the Unholy Trinity.
 * Quinn: People grow apart. Deal with it. I've got new friends now, and they accept me for who I am.


 * Rachel: Hey, Quinn. [turns to Quinn's friends] Uh, hello...skanks.
 * Ronnie: Your friend stinks of soap, Quinn.
 * Rachel: [to Quinn] We were friends once. Okay, and maybe when you cut off all of your hair last year and thought it would solve all of your problems, I should've spoken up. Maybe when you dropped out of society and started dating that 40 year old skateboarder, I should have said-
 * Quinn: I'm not coming back to glee club.
 * Rachel: We need you, okay? Have you seen those purple pianos around school? We're planning this big recruiting and it's a tribute to the Go-Gos. I mean, who doesn't love the Go-Gos?
 * Ronnie: I prefer the Bangles.
 * Rachel: Okay. We need your tremulous alto and your Belinda Carlisle glamor.
 * The Mack: I'll give you ten bucks if you let me beat her up for you, Quinn.
 * Rachel: I’m sorry you’re so sad, Quinn, and maybe you’re not going to believe me because we were never really close but I’m sad not seeing you in the choir room and we’ve all been through so much together, we’re a family, and this is our year to get it right. We would love to have you back in the Glee club, whenever you’re ready, okay?


 * Santana: When I look at someone, I don't see someone who looks a certain way or has this or that amount of chromosomes. I just see someone I may or may not have to destroy.


 * Puck: God, no.
 * Jacob: FOOD FIGHT!


 * Brittany: I have pepperoni in my bra.
 * Santana: Those are your nipples.


 * Rachel: High school is where you learn, it’s survival of the fittest. She’s gonna drag the New Directions down and that’s not fair for those of us who don’t wanna spend our lives rotting in this insignificant town! You said that you’d do anything to get us to Nationals. She is gonna keep us from winning that elusive crown, if anything, she’s gonna kill all of our chances!


 * Santana: What is wrong with you?


 * Kurt: I just realized we did the gay high five.
 * Rachel: [laughs] We did!


 * Emma: So this is what being turned on feels like.

I Am Unicorn [3.02]

 * Kurt: Why don't you just run for student body president?
 * Brittany: I'm not smart enough.
 * [Flashback]
 * Mrs. Hagberg: What's the capital of Ohio? [Brittany raises her hand] Brittany.
 * Brittany: O.
 * [The class looks at her and laughs.]
 * Mrs. Hagberg: What? Do you even know who the president is?
 * Brittany: Will.i.am.
 * [The class laughs harder.]


 * Will: So, every day after choir practice, I am instituting a mandatory booty camp. So we can work on our dancing. Now, it's not for all of you, just the people that I think need help. Like...
 * Finn: Finn.
 * Will: How did you know?


 * Quinn: Did you come here just to torment me about getting to see my child?
 * Shelby: I want you to be a part of Beth's life...but not like this.


 * Mike: You kinda have this one move, Kurt. It's like this sashay and it's super distracting.


 * Puck: I. Am. In. Hell.


 * Mike: Finn, you look like you're stepping on bees!


 * Kurt: I got written permission from the woman herself, Miss Rachel Berry.


 * Puck: Methol 100s? Really, skank?
 * Quinn: You can't be in here. It's the girls' bathroom.
 * Puck: I'm always here. The stalls are cleaner. Hey, you need to lose the skank act and get it together.
 * Quinn: Everyone needs to leave me alone because this is who I am.
 * Puck: You look like a Real Housewife of Reno. I saw Beth.
 * Quinn: So?
 * Puck: She's perfect. She looks just like you. Well, the old you.
 * Quinn: Yeah, well it doesn't matter. We're not parent material.
 * Puck: We can be.
 * Quinn: We're never going to be together.
 * Puck: I don’t care about you, I care about her. I don't want her having questions, or being messed up. She needs you in her life.


 * Burt: Dude you're gay.
 * Kurt: Excuse me?
 * Burt: You're gay. And you're not like Rock Hudson gay, you're really gay. You sing like Dianna Ross and and you dress like you own a magic chocolate factory.


 * Puck: [about Beth] Oh my God, she looks like Quinn.
 * Shelby: And you. She has that same dopey smile.


 * Brittany: The poster that you wanted gave me crippling depression.
 * Kurt: I wanted something toned down!
 * Santana: This is toned down. In the original, the unicorn was riding you.


 * Kurt: [turns to Santana and Brittany] AND STOP PUTTING UP THOSE POSTERS! [leaves]
 * Brittany: I failed my precious unicorn.
 * Santana: No! Look, this campaign is brilliant.
 * Brittany: Really?
 * Santana: Completely! If he doesn’t get it then he doesn’t deserve to have you as his campaign manager. There’s no one like you. You're a genius, Brittany. You are the unicorn.


 * Finn: You're the best girlfriend ever. [leans in to kiss Rachel]
 * Rachel: No, you got grease on your nose.
 * Finn: Oh. [about to wipe his nose]
 * Rachel: [shrugs] What the heck. [kisses Finn]


 * Burt: You know what they call a unicorn without a horn? A freaking horse.


 * Will: Miss Fabray! Wait. You know, there's only one person in this world that you care about. And that's yourself.
 * Quinn: You have no idea...
 * Will: [hammers his hand at the table] I'M NOT FINISHED!
 * Becky: Woah, woah, woah.
 * Will: You're not a little girl anymore, Quinn. How long are you planning on playing the victim card? Since day one, you've done nothing but sabotage the same Glee club that's been there for you over and over again, when you got pregnant, when your parents kicked you out. You know, Mercedes even let you live in her house! And I don't recall ever hearing so much as a "thank you". So now you're a train wreck. Well, congratulations. But you stride into my office and tell me it's my fault? Well, then I have something to say to you, grow up.


 * Brittany: I'm also a unicorn. Maybe a bi-corn. Either way, I'm starting to believe in my own magic.


 * Artie: I so want to give you a standing ovation right now.

Asian F [3.03]

 * Kurt: Ten years from now, you'll be thinking about the friends you had and the ones you just tossed aside.


 * Michael Chang Sr.: My grandmother in China knew three English phrases. 'Coca-Cola', 'Kiss my grits' and 'Harvard University'. Deep in Hubei province, this old woman knew the best school in America. That's where my son belongs.


 * Tina: Excuse me from gym all year or I'll drink your spicy curry blood.


 * Mike: I got an A-, Tina.
 * Tina: You got an Asian F?


 * Rachel: I know it.
 * Mercedes: I lived it.


 * Mercedes: Hug me after I get the part.


 * Tina: You don’t talk that much, you hardly ever sing, but when I see you do that, it’s who you are. It’s what makes me feel you. Mike, you gotta know by now, when I see you dance…it’s why I fell in love with you.


 * Mike: It's what I love to do. It's never gonna be a waste of time.


 * Artie: The kid’s never late, he runs like an expensive Swiss watch reproduced cheaply in China.


 * Will: Did you know that you are extremely racist?!?
 * Mr. Pillsbury: Not quite.

Pot o' Gold [3.04]

 * Finn: I know that you're a big deal at Dalton or whatever, but we don't wear blazers here. So have a seat, I'm trying to have a pep talk here.
 * Blaine: Didn't you just say something about us not turning against each other?


 * Kurt: It will give me a great opportunity to break out my Banana Republic Mad Men outfit.


 * Rory: I love everything about America. Especially NASCAR, your half-black president, and Victoria's Secret catalogs.


 * Rory: I thought America was all about different, unique people coming together and accepting one another.
 * Finn: Pretty old brochure, dude.


 * Rory: Would you﻿ be my friend, Finn?
 * Finn: Whoa, whoa.
 * Rory: It would be an honor.
 * Finn: In America, dudes don't ask dudes to be their friends. Well, except on Facebook, but even that could take years.


 * Mercedes: Hi Santana! How many solos did you get in glee club last year?
 * Santana: A few.
 * Mercedes: One. Valerie. And I loved it.
 * Santana: I was also the lips in Rocky Horror.
 * Mercedes: Listen, if you and I were in Shelby's group we'd get all the solos and the duets.
 * Santana: And why would I care about all girl?


 * Santana: You know, honestly I wish I could, but somebody's gotta look out for Brittany. I mean, that special place where she lives, yeah it's beautiful, but someone's gotta help her cross the street. I'd never just leave her.
 * Mercedes: Get her to come with you.


 * Sue: I am literally horny with fear.


 * Santana: Britt, I want to talk about, you know, that thing we never talk about.
 * Brittany: That Sour Patch Kids are gummy bears that turn into drugs?
 * Santana: Are we dating or what?
 * Brittany: Wait, isn't this a date? Aren't you were paying. I ordered shrimp! Wasn't it last week we were taking a bath together-wasn't that a date? Are you crying?
 * Santana: It's just that I'm really happy.
 * Brittany: Well, I told you last year that if I was single and you were single, we would mingle. And if there's any controversy that interferes with my presidential campaign, then I'll use one of my leprechaun wishes. To win the election.
 * Santana: Y-you think that Great Gazoo kid is a leprechaun?
 * Brittany: Yeah, he's from Ireland. He's made of magic. Don't you have any wishes that you really want to come true?
 * Santana: Yeah, I do. I'm thinking about joining Shelby's new show choir. If I did, would you join me? I'm sick of being backup to Rachel Berry. I want to shine and be seen as the star I am. But I won't join without you.
 * Brittany: I don't want to known as a quitter. Doesn't my presidential campaign need continuity? Can't I think about it for like a day?
 * Santana: Yeah, totally. I understand. Just think about it. But in the meantime, I do have one more wish.
 * Brittany: Mm hm.
 * Santana: I wish you'd hold my hand.
 * Brittany: [smiles and holds Santana's hand]
 * Santana: [smiles but then looks around] But, like, under a napkin. [puts a napkin over her and Brittany's hands]


 * Quinn: What do I have? Beth is perfect, she is my perfect thing. Something I can't even screw up. Do you know how hard it is to do something perfectly? I'll never get the chance again. So even if I never leave this town or accomplish anything, I'll have her to call mine.


 * Will: (Writes "The Magic is Back!" on white board)
 * Brittany: He knows about my leprechaun.


 * Santana: Here's the deal, pixie-boy. You’ve got a crush on my girl, Brittany. I understand. She's beautiful, she's innocent, she's everything that's good in this miserable, stinking world.


 * Santana: Brittany thinks you're a sprightly green mythological creature, but I know you're a potato-eating poser. But since Brittany likes having a pet Irish, I'm not going to explode you.


 * Santana: Leprechaun starring a young Jen Aniston is my favorite movie. It learned me two things. One: Leprechauns like fixing shoe buckles because they're gay. And two, they grant wishes. So you're gonna grant me a wish.


 * Brittany: Lord Tubbington snuck out and I found him at Arby's.


 * Brittany: Lord Tubbington's poops are crispy and delicious.


 * Burt: Your Glee Club saved my kid's life. It turns out art can do that, ya know? Whether it’s through singing or dancing or painting a freakin’ picture.


 * Puck: Not a lot of people believe in me and it means a lot that you do.


 * Puck: Listen, if you need any help I'm here for you, always.


 * Finn: Is it true?
 * Brittany: No, of course not.
 * Finn: So you're not leaving the New Directions?
 * Brittany: Oh, I thought you were talking about the Selena Gomez pregnancy rumors.


 * Finn: At some point you have to grow up and stop being an idiot.
 * Brittany: What did you just call me?


 * Santana: You are such a bacon-wrapped bug-eyed hypocrite. It’s freaking hilarious how jealous of Blaine you are. Every time he opens his dreamboat acapella mouth, you're just itching to kick him right in the Warblers.


 * Sugar: Awesome! More back up for me.
 * Santana: Ok, you know what? I did not just leave one diva-driven glee club to join another, so let me write you a reality check, Richie Bitch - I’ve seen what you can do, and what you can do is stand in the back, sway, and sing very, very quietly.
 * Sugar: I, erm…I just - wanted to on the winning team for once?
 * Mercedes: Then turn down the ‘tude and you will be.


 * Finn: Man, this is trouble.
 * Will: Big trouble.


 * Brittany: Leprechauns aren't real. I realize that now.


 * Rick "The Stick" Nelson: [is holding Rory up against a locker by his shirt] Say U2 is overrated!
 * Rory: Never!


 * Rachel: He is magical.


 * Burt Hummel: Hi folks, my name is Burt Hummel and I want to be your congressman. Now Sue Sylvester, she’s gotten a lot of mileage coming on this show and scaring you into thinking that a high school putting on a musical is the reason why your neighbor’s house got foreclosed on. Now what she doesn’t tell you is how she spends twice the entire McKinley High School arts budget on things like leg warmers for her Cheerios. She wants you to think that the arts are a luxury we just can’t afford. But she’s got it backwards. You know, in this economy, art, music, theater, dance, these are things we can’t afford to lose. Now Sue Sylvester thinks that fostering a student’s creativity is a waste of money. I think it’s the way you invest in this country’s future. We all need to get creative. You got an idea how we can boost jobs in this district, I want to hear it. You send it to Hummel Tires & Lube, Lima, Ohio. And if you think I make a better representative for this community than Sue Sylvester, write in Burt Hummel. Just don’t let Sue short change our kids. My name is Burt Hummel, and that’s how I see it.

The First Time [3.05]

 * Rachel: I hope that my radiance isn’t too much for you.


 * Quinn: Just wait, look what happened to me.


 * Finn: Before we do this, I just need to know. Why now?


 * Santana: I also think you should wait. Speaking from experience Finn's terrible in bed.
 * Tina: That's terrible to say, Santana.
 * Santana: What? If Rachel wants my sloppy seconds, she should at least know the truth. Look, it was like being smothered by a sweaty, out of breath sack of potatoes that somebody soaked in body spray.
 * Brittany: I lost my virginity at cheerleading camp. He just climbed into my tent. Alien invasion.


 * Blaine: [to Kurt] Don't you want to experience everything in life that you can?


 * Mike: I guess I don't have a dad anymore.


 * Karofsky I feel accepted.


 * Blaine: [drunk] I just want to live here and-and make art and help people.
 * Kurt: You're helping people make fires with your breath!


 * Rachel: Tony and Maria were soulmates. Against all odds they found each other. I know what that's like. You do, too.


 * Kurt: I've never felt less like being intimate with someone. And it's either you can't tell or you just don't care!


 * Kurt: Do you ever think we're playing it too safe by not granting our hands Visas to travel south of the Equator?


 * Sebastian: I don't know who this Blaine guy is, but I hear he's sex on a stick and sings like a dream.


 * Artie: When you’re in a chair, it’s hard to… ever feel like you’ve grown up. Everyone’s always doing stuff for you. They get freaked out about saying the wrong thing. So, they coddle you. Sometimes, it’s hard to ever picture a life of being totally self-sufficient. But directing you guys… the way you trusted me, the way you looked at me, and listened to me. It’s the first time in my life that I’ve ever felt like a grown man. It’s the greatest gift you could give a guy, so… so thank you guys. For the flowers and for everything.

Mash Off [3.06]

 * Puck: I know I’m supposed to learning about grammars and stuff, but all I can think about is what color underwear Ms. C is wearing and if she knows how to dance.


 * Rachel: Okay, you know what Santana? Finn is in great shape and your meanness only highlights your own insecurities.
 * Santana: Rachel, your mustache is thicker than a Middle Eastern dictator.


 * Brittany: Is this what having a stroke feels like? Because I like it...


 * Puck: Number one, you're hot. Number two, I'm hot. Number three, Beth needs a dad.


 * Rory: Finn, I just want you to know that no matter what, I've got you're back. Like, when that girl with the lips was saying you look like a whale, I wanted to tell her that I think you look fine.


 * Finn: Have you ever heard of the term 'trash talk'?
 * Rory: Is that when you discuss trash?


 * Santana: (To Finn) Hey Orca! (bumps into him)
 * Finn: Hey Santana! You look like an assless J-Lo.
 * Santana: (laughs)
 * Rory: You're skinny like all the crops failed on your family's farm.
 * Santana: That is the lamest thing I didn't understand a word of.


 * Santana: You seriously think you can out-insult me? I'm from Lima Heights, I was raised on insults. It's how my abuela puts me to sleep at night, and she was not a nice lady. Did you know she tried to sell me once? And it wasn't until I got to kindergarten that I learned my name wasn't Garbage Face.


 * Rory: Excuse me, I've never heard of this game of dodging balls. What are the rules?
 * Puck: Don't. Die.


 * Mercedes: Ladies! Vocal warm-ups can wait. I was up half the night thinking about our mash-up for the mash-off, and it came to me: Adele.
 * Sugar: I sound just like her.
 * Brittany: I love her. I think she sounds like how banana cream pie sounds when it sings.
 * Santana: And now that we have that decision out of the way, I can stay focused on my one-sided battle of wits with the knuckle-dragger.
 * Mercedes: Santana, the dodgeball thing was fun until the end, but enough.
 * Santana: Oh no, honey, I'm just getting started.
 * Mercedes: I'm the leader of this group, and I'm telling you: Lay off those guys.
 * Santana: I'm sorry. The leader? Who died and made you queen, Aretha?
 * Mercedes: I brought you guys in and I came up with the idea for our mash-up while you were wasting time trying to figure out how to make Finn Hudson cry. So, I nominate myself as president of the Troubletones; all in favor?
 * Mercedes: You are a star member of this group, and you need to represent.
 * Brittany: [singsong] Stop the violence. [nudges Santana] Come on.
 * Santana: [smiles] All right. From now on, I'll be so nice cotton candy will melt in my mouth.


 * Santana: Hey Tubs! Can I talk to you for a second?
 * Rory: Hey, listen here. You can't make fun of Finn anymore.
 * Santana: Shut your potato hole, I'm here to apologize. [to Finn] Rachel's right, I haven't been fair to you. You're not fat. I should know, I slept with you. I mean, at some point I must have liked that you look like a taco addict who's had one too many back alley liposuctions.
 * Rory: Whoa.
 * Santana: Please stick a sock in it or ship yourself back to Scotland. I'm trying to apologize to Lumps The Clown. I am sorry, Finn. I mean, really, I'm sorry that the New Directions are gonna get crushed by the Troubletones. And also sorry that you have no talent. Sorry that you sing like you're getting your prostate checked, and you dance like you've been asleep for years and someone just woke you up. Have fun riding on Rachel's coattails for the rest of your life, although, you know what, I would just watch out for her come holiday time if I were him, because if I were her, I'd stick a stent in one of those boobs and let the Finn blubber light the Hanukkah lamp for eight magical nights. [walks away]
 * Finn: Hey Santana, why don’t you just come out of the closet? [Santana stops walking and becomes shocked; Finn begins to approach her] You know, I think I know why you’re so good at tearing everybody else down. It’s because you’re constantly tearing yourself down because you can’t admit to everybody that you’re in love with Brittany, and she might not love you back. That must hurt, not to be able to admit to everyone how you really feel. You know what I think you are? A coward. See you at the mash-off. [walks away]


 * Brittany: Tornadoes are nature’s most destructive force. These violent storms have ravaged America, crippling communities all across our land. Isn’t it time we take a stand? If you honor me with being your next class president, I will make tornadoes illegal at McKinley, keeping you and your families at our school safe from their murderous rampages. Also, on Tuesdays, uh, I pledge to go topless.


 * Rachel: So about the whole pastie thing...
 * Kurt: Let's just skip ahead while we're ahead, dollie.


 * Santana: What did you just say to her? [points at Rachel]
 * Finn: I said I thought you were great.
 * Santana: No, you're lying.
 * Rachel: No. He literally just said that.
 * Santana: (at Finn) You told her too?
 * Will: [stands up] Santana.
 * Santana: (at Finn) Everyone's gonna know now, because of you.
 * Finn: The whole school already knows. And you know what? They don't care.
 * Santana: Not just the school, you idiot! Everyone!
 * Finn: What are you talking a-
 * [Santana slaps Finn]

I Kissed A Girl [3.07]

 * Rachel: I haven't been this worried about a vote since Lambert versus Allen.


 * Kurt: I going to lose unless I pull a JFK.
 * Rachel: You're going to shoot Brittany?!


 * Finn: We're all worried about you.
 * Santana: Worry about yourself, fetus face.


 * Finn: Everyone in this room knows about you and Brittany and we don't judge you for it. We celebrate it because it's who you are.


 * Santana: With all the horrible crap I've been through in my life, now I get to add that.


 * Puck: Thanks for the offer but I'd rather raw dog a beehive.


 * Finn: I don't want you to die. A few weeks ago, some kid who made one of those It Gets Better videos killed himself.
 * Santana: Thanks, but that's never going to happen. I'd miss me too much.


 * Josh: Saw the commercial. Smokin’!
 * Santana: Who the hell are you?
 * Josh: Josh Coleman. Sophomore rugby captain. Girls like you are a challenge. You just need the right guy to straighten you out and I’m just the man to do it.
 * [The New Directions and Troubletones girls approach Santana and Josh.]
 * Mercedes: Move your busted creeper ass…
 * Tina: …now!
 * Josh: Easy girls. I'm just trying to make her normal.
 * Brittany: She is normal.
 * Quinn: It's not a choice, idiot. But even if it were you would be our last choice.
 * Josh: Oh, I get it. So you're all a bunch of lesbos.
 * Rachel: So what if we are. You don't stand a chance either way.


 * Quinn: I like what Kurt stands for, and Brittany’s insane, but just like my dad always voted for the candidate who was least ethnic, I’m voting for the one who’s most girl. [checks off Brittany on the card]
 * Mercedes: Brittany is my home Troubletones girl but thank God for secret ballots because if Santana's girlfriend wins this election I'll never going to hear the end of it. [checks off Kurt on the card]


 * Puck: I let you down, we all did. We just spent a whole week helping Santana with a secret everybody already knows and not one person took ten seconds to help you. And you’re a freakin’ mess. You have been for three years, ever since I knocked you up. You don’t need a baby or a dude or anyone to make you special. If there’s one person that I’m sure is gonna get the hell out of this town and make something of herself, it’s you.


 * Santana: I love girls the way that I’m supposed to feel about boys. It’s just something that’s always been inside of me, and I really want to share it with you because I love you so much. I want you to know me. Who I really am. When I’m with Brittany… I finally understand what people are talking about when they talk about love. I’ve tried so hard to push this feeling away, and keep it locked inside… but every day just feels like a war. I walk around so mad at the world, but I’m really just fighting with myself. I don’t want to fight anymore. I’m just too tired. I have to just be me.


 * Santana: I picked a song that gives me strength and gets me through. The struggle continues but at least I know I'm not alone. Same way all of you do.


 * (In promo)
 * Becky: I made out with a girl.
 * Brittany: [to Santana] It was before we met.

Hold On to Sixteen [3.08]

 * Kurt: I don't like you.
 * Sebastian: Fun. I don't like you either.
 * Kurt: I don't like the way you talk to my boyfriend, I don't like your smirky little meerkat face, I don't like your obnoxious CW hair. I'm on to you.
 * Sebastian: Let's get a few things straight, Blaine's too good for you, New Directions is a joke, and one of us has a hard luck case of the 'Gay Face' and it ain't me. Odds are by the end of the school year, I'll have Blaine and a Nationals trophy, and you'll have khakis and a Lima Bean apron and that gay face.
 * Kurt: You smell like Craigslist.


 * Finn: I didn't know Backdraft was a musical.
 * Rachel: [frowns when realizations hits her]
 * Announcer: Someone get the door because here comes Mr. Package.
 * Rachel: Oh God no.
 * Announcer: And ladies, let's give a warm welcome to White Chocolate.
 * [Sam walks out and starts dancing on the stage as a stripper called White Chocolate and Finn and Rachel stare in shock.]
 * Finn: That's an image I'll never be able to get out of my mind.
 * Rachel: Give me a dollar.
 * Finn: What?
 * Rachel: Just give me a dollar.
 * Finn: [gives Rachel a dollar and Rachel approaches Sam]
 * Sam: [shocked] Rachel. Rachel!


 * Mrs. Evans: Can you two go into the other room and make yourselves busy?
 * Rachel: Of course.
 * Finn: Yeah, I'm really good a looking busy.


 * Santana: I just heard the news that Trouty Mouth is back in town. I’ve been keeping a notebook, just in case this day ever came. Welcome back, Lisa Rinna. I've missed you so much since your family has pack their bags, loaded them into your mouth and skipped town. Can't tell you how many times I've wanted to enjoy a crisp pickle but couldn't find anyone to suck the lid off the jar. I assume you've been working as a baby polisher where young mothers place their infants' heads in your mouth to get back that newborn shine. So glad you're back. I haven't seen a smile that big since a clyamation abominable snowman got his teeth pulled by that little gay elf dentist. Love, Santana.
 * Sam: [smiles] I missed you too, Santana. [hugs her]


 * Rory: Sir, girls smell better than ham. And when they're dancing and bouncing around, you can't help but watch them.


 * Artie: I got like tingles where it’s only 50/50 for tingling


 * Blaine: What is your problem with me anyway? Ever since I got here you've given me nothing but crap.
 * Finn: Honestly dude, I was kinda jealous. I felt threatened. Your talent kinda freaked me out, made me question whether or not I'm good enough.


 * Kurt: Oh my God, it's the Gerber Baby.
 * [During the performance.]
 * Kurt: Oh my God, she's good.
 * Rachel: Oh, this is torture. I should be singing that song!


 * Finn: We got this!. [holds out his fist]
 * Blaine: Yeah we do. [pounds Finn's fist]


 * Mike Chang Sr.: This is your path, son, so you must follow it, and make us proud. And your mother and I, we will help you follow it however we can. Apply to dance schools, the best ones.


 * Rachel: Well, my suspension is officially over. It'll still be on my transcript, though. I'm just hoping that the admissions department at NYADA see it as a sign of my artistic, rebellious attitude.
 * Quinn: Good luck with that.
 * Rachel: Are you going to go tell Figgins about Shelby? Because I still think it's a really terrible idea.
 * Quinn: I came here to talk to you, actually. To tell you I'm not going to tell.
 * Rachel: Why?
 * Quinn: Because I love Beth, and I don't want to ruin her life. I wanted to thank you actually.
 * Rachel: For what?
 * Quinn: For keeping me from doing something stupid. Something I would have regretted my entire life.
 * Rachel: [nods and ducks her head shyly then looks up]...We're kind of friends huh?
 * Quinn: Kind of. What do you think about Yale?
 * Rachel: Oh no no. I had my sights set on NYADA.
 * Quinn: No, for me. I'm not the singer that you and Kurt are but Yale has an amazing drama program and I really do like to perform.
 * Rachel: Yeah!
 * Quinn: I certainly would nail all the parts where the girl has to cry.
 * Rachel: [laughs] No I think it's a great idea! I'm especially since you won't have me to compete with. ...You're a lot better than you know.
 * Quinn: Well..I'll see you at glee club.
 * Rachel: Wait, w-where are you going?
 * Quinn: There's a couple people I need to talk to.
 * Rachel: Ok well, I don't know if you need help with your Yale application..
 * Quinn: Not with the Yale application but um, there is something you could do for me.


 * Quinn: Look, I know I went a little crazy.
 * [Santana and Mercedes nod in agreement.]
 * Quinn: But I'm here now. I'm 17. I have the rest of my life ahead of me. I love glee club, I love you girls, and when we're 27, or 87 I want us to be able to look back on these next couple of months and talk about how it was the best time of our lives.

Extraordinary Merry Christmas [3.09]

 * [Flashback]
 * Finn: Ugh, I'm freaking out! I have no idea what to get Rachel for Christmas!
 * Artie: When in doubt, go with socks!
 * Mike: A wok is always good!
 * Rory: What about soil?
 * Blaine: I agree with Artie about the socks.
 * Puck: See? This is why I don't have a high maintenance girlfriend. Or any girlfriend, for that matter.
 * Kurt: [putting on lotion and eavesdropping]
 * [Flashback ends]
 * Finn: Who told you this? Kurt?
 * Rachel: No!
 * Kurt: [walking by] Yes.
 * Rachel: [gasps]


 * Finn: Like the song says all I want for Christmas is you.
 * Rachel: Aww. All I want for Christmas is you too...and 5 things on that list. [kisses Finn] I love you. [walks away]
 * Finn: Holy crap, I'm dating Kim Kardashian.


 * Sue: Wheels, Porcelain, Other Gay. The yuletide season is upon us, and everyone knows that Christmas is a time for forgiveness. So I have decided to forgive you for having no talent and ruining the American songbook one mash-up at a time.


 * Finn: Hey guys, listen up. My friend Rory Flanagan wants to say a few.
 * Rory: Thanks Finn Hudson. So guys, my mommy was gonna come visit for the holidays, but planes tickets are expensive, so it's my first Christmas without any family. I'd like to cheer myself up by dedicating this song to them, and to the King.
 * Kurt: Jesus?
 * Rory: [weird look]
 * Blaine: [to Kurt] No.


 * Santana: Gosh, that song was so depressing. I may actually be dead now.


 * Will: I just got off the phone with Don Barowsky, the local station manager at Lima's PBS affiliate. Turns out that their annual broadcast of the yule log burning has been canceled.
 * Puck: The hell?!


 * Sam: What are you gonna do for Christmas this year?
 * Rory: I'm not even sure. Brittany and her family are going on a trip to see a gay Santa. Something about Santa Fe.


 * Sam: This whole week, I'll be your Christmas sponsor. Really show you what the holiday spirit's about in the USA.
 * Rory: That'd be so awesome, Sam.


 * Artie: Some say Judy was high on pills and booze, but I say she was high on excitement and baby Jesus.


 * Artie: It's about your song. It makes me want to kill myself.


 * Artie: We begin in the Swiss Alps, in the village of Gustad, in the perfectly appointed living room of Kurt Hummel and Blaine Anderson's chic, swank chalet. The tree, towering and opulent; the fireplace draped in garlands; the stockings bejeweled. Kurt and Blaine, the perfect hosts, have invited their friends to drop in for an evening of Noël Coward-esque, happy, cheer-filled songs!
 * Rachel: Are you telling me I'm not invited to Kurt and Blaine's for Christmas?
 * Artie: Not unless you pick a happier song. The evening's festivities conclude with Rory, dressed as the Christmas elf, Itchy, reciting Frosty the Snowman. Start with fun and end with fun. That's how you do it, kids.


 * Rachel: You gave me a dead pig for Christmas?
 * Finn: It's not dead yet. You've gotta get it fat first.
 * Rachel': I'm a vegan.


 * Santana: The homeless will be homeless for a while. That's sort of the problem.


 * Kurt: Hello. Well, I guess we’re all in the spirit of the season by now. Let me apologize for not introducing myself sooner. I’m Kurt Hummel, one of your hosts this evening. Thank you. And this is my, um…best friend and holiday roommate, Blaine Anderson.
 * Blaine: How do you do? Welcome to our bachelor chalet.
 * Kurt: We’ve also asked a few of our other special friends to drop by. But I hope they can make it over the mountains and through the woods in this dreary weather.
 * Blaine: Oh, come on, now, Kurt. You know if they get stuck in the snow, they can always hitch a ride on Santa’s sleigh.
 * Kurt: Oh, you!
 * Blaine: Hey, it’s true.
 * Kurt: Oh! Oh, I’m terribly sorry for keeping you standing outside, shivering on the porch. Please, come in. Please, come in. Watch your step. Come on now. Don’t be shy. Please, come, come.
 * Blaine: Come right on in. Make yourself at home.


 * Kurt: And then I said to Justin Timberlake, "That's not eggnog!"


 * Blaine: Say, are you dressed like Luke Skywalker and Han Solo?
 * Finn: No. That's copyright infringement! Any resemblance to Star Wars characters is purely coincidental!


 * Puck: Hey guys, why the long faces? It's Christmas Eve, or something.


 * [Bell ringing]
 * Rachel: Oh my goodness! Could it be? Could it be?
 * Rory: [walks out ringing bell and wearing elf costume]
 * All but Rory: Itchy the Holiday Elf!
 * Kurt: We asked our friend Itchy to stop by and read us a light-hearted, heart-warming, upbeat Christmas tale: Frosty the Snowman.
 * Rory: Actually, I was going to read that, but I searched my heart, and I am going to read one from a different book. I think it's something that's going to remind people what the true spirit of Christmas really is.
 * Rachel: Are sure you don't wanna read Frosty? We all really wanna hear Frosty!


 * Sam: You guys finally came around!
 * Finn: Well, I guess you can thank Rory for helping us see the light.
 * Rory: I was just following my Christmas sponsor's lead.


 * Rachel: I just hope that the pig Barbara inspires the children that eat her as much as the real Barbara inspired me.


 * Rory: These bells make me homesick.
 * Sam: You mean like church bells and stuff?
 * Rory: No. My brother Seamus gets lost all the time, So my dad made him wear a bell around his neck so we can always find him.
 * Sam: Smart.


 * Rory: Sam, I was wondering if you'd like to be my Valentine's Day sponsor as well. I mean, you did such a good job being a Christmas sponsor, I figured you'd have no problem helping me land a snog or two by February.
 * Sam: Deal. But you have to help me learn to perfect my Sean Connery. I'm telling you, impressions are the best way to get a chick.

Yes/No [3.10]

 * Becky: [voiceover in a British accent] I, Becky Faye Jackson, am the hottest bitch at McKinley high school. I'm not only co-captain of the Cheerios, I'm president of the Perfect Attendance Club, and I won a participation award in rhythmic gymnastics. You may be wondering why I sound like the queen of England. It's simple: in my mind, I can sound like whomever I want. So lay off, haters. Okay, let's get reals. I could easily snag any dude east of the Mississippi, but I'm extremely picky. [sees Rory] For instance, Rory grins too much. He looks like an insane person. [sees Puck] Is that a mohawk, Puckerman, or did someone glue a squirrel to your head? [sees Mike] No Chang-do. I'm no rice queen.


 * Sam: It’s ‘cause I’m white, right?


 * Coach Roz Washington: Sam Evans? I'm Coach Roz Washington. And you are one strange looking kid. I've never seen lips like that on a white child, and one of your nipples is higher than the other. I bet you've had to overcome a lot with those crooked nipples. Well, I know a thing or two about overcoming. When I was growing up, they said that black folks couldn't swim. But I had a DREAM! that one day I would get to the promised land. So I swam out there and got my forty acres and a pool.
 * Swimmer: Coach Roz was an Olympian.
 * Coach Roz Washington: That's right. I won this Bronze damn Olympic Medal in Beijing, China for individual synchronized swimming. I bet you didn't even know there was such a thing as individual synchronized swimming. Nod to me if I'm getting trough to you, nod to me!
 * Sam: [nods]
 * Coach Roz Washington: I'm gonna say one thing to you, Sam Evans, and I'm only gonna say it once. If you pee in my pool, I will kill you.


 * Finn: My dad was a war hero. I have an obligation to him to be a good man, to make something of myself, to help people like he did.


 * Finn: He died a hero's death, right?
 * Carol: He died in Cincinnati. Your dad was a good man. He was brave and true. He had the same goofy sense of humor you do. But he didn't die in Iraq. He served over there but something happened to him. I never found out what. I don't know if he did something or saw something or just lost his way but he broke. After being dishonorably discharged, he had a drug problem that he tried to get over when he came home. For you mostly but then he would just disappear for a day or a week sometimes. One day he just didn't come back. It was an overdose.


 * Finn: I've got high school hero, life zero written all over me. Except I have you. Rachel.


 * Kurt: The future used to be such an abstract idea. And, the dream was enough, you know? Now the future has the nerve to show up and it’s expecting us to do something and it’s not interested in giving a lending hand.

Michael [3.11]

 * Santana: I'd throw this mocha in your face, but it's not nearly scalding enough.


 * Artie: They can take our Journey and our Dreamgirls, but pilfering my Michael? [shakes his head] Mmm mmm that's another level. Not ok.


 * Puck: You told him what we were gonna do. You're like a modern day Eggs Benedict.


 * Rachel: Hey! Look I need your advice, alright, about, about an adult problem.
 * Quinn: Holy Crap! Are you pregnant?
 * Rachel: No! Look I'm coming to you as a friend and, oddly because I also think you are the only person that will give me just a straightforward and a thoughtful answer about this.
 * Quinn: You're right, I'm sorry. Yes, I can keep a secret.
 * Rachel: Finn, asked me to marry him.
 * Quinn: [gasps] Well, what did you say?
 * Rachel: I said I needed to think about it.
 * Quinn: Well, you can't.
 * Rachel: Why? Plenty of people get married our age and I know he and I haven't lived together or anything but I love him and he's the one. I know it. [Quinn hands her a folded piece of paper] What's this? [opens it and reads it]
 * Quinn: My ticket out of here. I got into Yale, early admissions. Turns out my essay about overcoming adversity while maintaining a straight A average during a teen pregnancy really turned on the admissions boards.
 * Rachel: Quinn, that's amazing. [hugs Quinn] That's so great. [lets go] It's great.
 * Quinn: I'm sure you'll get your NYADA one soon.
 * Rachel: Oh. Yeah. I mean, New York mail is notoriously slow, so…
 * Quinn: My point being is that I've dated Finn, Puck, Sam, even thought I loved some of them. But by the time the snow falls in New Haven next winter, I won't know why.
 * Rachel: So are are you saying that Finn and I should break up?
 * Quinn: I'm all for making the most of the next few months, but I'd hate the idea of dragging an anchor from my past into the bright lights of my future. Rachel, you have an amazing life ahead of you. As hard as it may be if you want what you ever dreamed of, you're gonna have to break up with him.
 * Rachel: That's an awful thing to say.
 * Quinn: Look, you wanted straight and thoughtful. I guess at one point it made sense to love somebody for your whole life, but it doesn't anymore. Women are finding themselves in their thirties now, every magazine says it. We hardly know what we're going to want in fifteen years.
 * Rachel: But Finn and I…we can grow together.
 * Quinn: Look Rachel, I…you and Finn are a lovely couple. But if you really want to be happy, you're going to have to say goodbye.


 * Finn: Wow, Quinn, that was incredible!
 * Will: Even more incredible is her big news. Tell them.
 * Quinn: I got into Yale! [clapping and cheering]
 * Will: It's Just--It's amazing for everything you've been through, you really deserve this, Quinn.
 * Mercedes: We're so proud of you, Quinn.
 * Quinn: I wanted to thank you guys, because without each and every one of you this would’ve never happened. You supported me and loved me through all the drama. And that’s why I’m standing here. I wasted so much time hating myself for the stupid mistakes that I made, but the truth is is that without all of those I never would’ve dreamed this to be my future. I was the only one standing in the way of myself. You can't change your past, but you can let go and start your future.[cheering]


 * Burt: You beat them all. They threw everything at you. They tried to beat you down. But you know what? You're unstoppable, Kurt. They can never take this away from you. I am so proud to be your dad. Right now, in this moment, on this day, you won.


 * Rachel: Stupid? [beginning to cry] Stupid is watching all of your friends make plans for the future and realizing you have none at all. No plans, no college, nowhere to go.


 * Santana: Today's your lucky day because Auntie Snixx just arrived on the Bitchtown Express. Now, my suggestion is we drag him bound and gagged to a tattoo parlor for a tramp stamp that reads "Tips appreciated" or "Congratulations, you're my thousandth customer".


 * Santana: You may look like the villain out of a cheesy '80s high school movie, but you should know that I'm fully prepared to go all Daniel LaRusso on your ass.


 * Santana: Wait, if Kurt would have taped it to his junk, I would never have heard the end of it. We would of had a whole week of songs about it.


 * Puck: This is what we call taking the high road, which I was shocked to find out has nothing to do with marijuana

The Spanish Teacher [3.12]

 * Sue: Now, if this is about the complaint you lodged against me with Principal Figgins, I already know.
 * Becky: You do, Coach?
 * Sue: Oh Becky, I've known ever since I tinker-tailor-soldier-spied my way into Figgins's file cabinet and read the evaluation cards. And when I saw one written in crayon, I knew it was either you or Brittany, and you're the better speller.


 * Finn: Look, I'm getting to the point in my life where I kind of need to be honest with myself about who I am.
 * Kurt: And who is that?
 * Finn: Not you. Not Rachel.
 * Kurt: That's the point, Finn. There are plenty of us, trust me. The one thing that Glee Clubs and theater programs don't have is the hot straight football player who can sing and sort of dance. You're unique, Finn. And I can't see this proposal thing as anything else but you giving up on yourself.


 * Coach Beiste: Come on, guys! Why, just last week, three Fort Wayne gymnasts had to have their junk amputated!
 * Puck: I stopped washing down there 'cause it seemed kind of gay.
 * Rory: I thought that's what the hair was for: catching the dirt.
 * Finn: Huh, lift and scrub. Who knew it was so easy?


 * Sue: You know, Roz, the English language lacks the requisite words to express just how much I dislike you. And I'm onto you. Yeah, I've seen All About Eve. I know what you're planning. You're waiting for me to take maternity leave, and then you're going to swoop in and try to steal my job.
 * Roz: Hold up. Hold up. Hold up. Wait. Oh, my God. Hold up. Maternity leave?! Are you pulling my leg?!
 * Sue: No, I am not. I am getting pregnant, and then I am having a baby.
 * Roz: With whose vagina!? Sue, you can't have no baby. You are old as a hill. You ain't gonna give birth to no child. You gonna give birth to a grandchild. You gonna get in them stirrups, and you gonna push and push, and a full-grown adult gonna pop out with a briefcase and a job talking on a cell phone.


 * (Kurt, Rachel and Mercedes are watching Twilight)
 * Mercedes: How is the girl with no ass supposed to choose between the juiced-up wolf and the depressed vampire? She is into both of them.
 * Rachel: Oh come on Mercedes, she just knows.
 * Mercedes: What if they both make her feel amazing in differents ways?
 * Rachel: No, you don't get to choose when it comes to true love. True love chooses you. And you better be certain when it comes to marriage, because marriage is a promise and it lasts forever.
 * Kurt: Ladies, I appreciate you spending time with me while Blaine recovers, but why are you being so weird and serious? Our periods don't come until the end of the month.


 * Sue: Hold it right there, Sandbags. You and I need to have a serious chat. Now I realize when I chose Becky as co-captain for the Cheerios! it might have rubbed you the wrong way.
 * Santana: Wanky.
 * Sue: And I've often admired the craven heartlessness of your pointless, vindictive back-stabbing. Kind of takes me back to the old salad days. But you crossed the Maginot Line when you started messing with Sue Sylvester's family.
 * Santana: What are you talking about? What family?
 * Sue: You lodged a complaint about my teaching tactics with Principal Figgins, possibly derailing my bid for tenure just when I'm trying to have a baby!
 * Santana: A baby? With whose vagina?!


 * Will: You're messing with adult things here, Santana. This is my job. This is my life.
 * Santana: And this is my education, and it's not a joke to me, although it seems to be one to you.
 * Will: What are you talking about? They all loved my performance.
 * Santana: Because they don't know any better. It's your fault. You're their teacher. You went from "La Cucaracha" to a bullfighting mariachi. Why don't you just dress up as the Taco Bell chihuahua and bark the theme to Dora the Explorer? You don't even know enough to be embarassed about these stereotypes that you're perpetuating.
 * Will: That's not fair!
 * Santana: Isn't it? What did you want to be when you grew up? Why did you become a spanish teacher, Mr. Shue?
 * Will: Because... it was the only teaching position open at the time.
 * Santana: I want to remind you of something an amazing teacher once taught me: without passion, you can't succeed.
 * Will: Who taught you that?
 * Santana:You did. And you do. When you teach Glee.


 * Principal Figgins: As you may have heard, our history teacher, Mrs. Hagberg, has been forced into retirement due to some memory problems.
 * [Flashback to Mrs. Hagberg teaching a class]
 * Mrs. Hagberg: And that's how Germany won the Second World War.


 * Will: All right, guys! Let me ask you something: where do you think you'll be in the year 2030?
 * Rachel and Kurt: Broadway! (They look at each other) Twinsies!
 * Artie: Walking.
 * Puck: In jail. Or dead. Or both.


 * Mercedes Jones: Sam just tweeted that I smell good.
 * Sam Evans: I won't stop 'til it's trending.

Heart [3.13]

 * Brittany: [walks up to Santana with her laptop] Happy Valentine's Day.
 * Santana: You're giving me your computer for Valentine's Day?
 * Brittany: It's a playlist, with all of the songs that I hear in my head when I'm with you or when I'm thinking about you. I wanted to make you a CD for Valentine's Day, this is as far as I got without any help. Oh, and I made you a cover/ [shows Santana the album cover of the playlist, a picture of Santana hugging Brittany]
 * Santana: [smiles] Brittany, thank you.
 * Brittany: You're welcome.
 * Figgins: Teen Lesbians! I must see you in my office right now!
 * Santana: This is such bull crap! Why can't Brittany and I kiss in public, 'cause we're two girls?
 * Figgins: Please don't make this about your Sapphic orientation.


 * Rachel: I would've loved to see you in a bridesmaids dress, Quinn. You as well Kurt.


 * Santana: [to Rachel] I fully support your right to be unhappy with Finn for the rest of your lives.


 * Quinn: Jesus never said anything about gay people. That's a fact.


 * Hiram: So I said, "Leroy, these guys sold us the wrong lube. That's why the rubber is squeaking, that's why it feels so weird when we're going fast."
 * LeRoy: Hiram, what are we talking about?
 * Burt: We're talking cars.


 * Rachel: First, I shower. I’m more thorough than during my morning bath. The world is a very dirty place. Brush teeth. Eyebrows. Make-up remover. Moisturizer. Followed by an ice water face bath A la Joan Crawford in ‘Mommie Dearest;’ the height of glamour. Find something cute to wear. Text my dads to let them know I’m almost ready for my evening tea. Then condition and brush my hair.


 * Finn: Hey, I-I kind of need to use the bathroom; it was a really big meal.
 * Rachel: [uncomfortable] No, you can't do that here.
 * Finn: Where am I supposed to do it?
 * Rachel: Umm, at your house?
 * Finn: Hilarious. I'm just gonna jump in beside you. I don't mind if you stay.
 * Rachel: Oh, for God's sakes, Finn! Can't you at least try to keep some sort of mystery until we're married?!
 * Finn: What do you think it's gonna be like in New York?
 * Rachel: We'll be on opposite schedules, so, you know, you can use the bathroom while I'm at school and I'll use it when you're at...when you're working or what-whatever.
 * Finn: What's that supposed to mean? You don't think I'm gonna be doing anything in New York? You think I'm just gonna be around to bring you Diet Cokes and cheer you on?!
 * Rachel: I knew it. I knew one day you'd be intimidated by my success, but I didn't think it would be before we graduated.
 * [Finn grabs a magazine and starts walking out]
 * Rachel: Where are you going!?
 * Finn: The bathroom downstairs. I can guarantee one thing you're not gonna have to add to your little crazy-town nighttime ritual, getting into bed with me!!
 * [Finn storms out and Rachel throws a hairbrush after him]


 * Kurt: [reading] Dear Kurt, Happy Valentine's Day. I think I love you. [looks up with a confused expression] Wait, you think you love me?
 * [The secret admirer pulls off the gorilla mask and reveals himself as Dave Karofsky, smiling.]
 * Kurt: Karofsky.


 * Dave: It's taken me a while, but for the first time in my life, I'm trying to be honest about what I feel. [holds Kurt's hand]


 * Dave: Hope you enjoy the chocolates. The butterscotch ones are my favorite.


 * Hiram: Shh. Listen. Listen. Shh, listen! Silence. They're not fighting anymore. It's not working. What, is he defiling our baby?
 * LeRoy: Do you need a Xanax?
 * Hiram: I already took three. This is a stupid plan. We've never lied to her like this before. Honesty, respect, dance. Those are the foundations of the Berry family.


 * Joe: Santana Lopez asked me if the God Squad would sing a love song for Brittany S. Pierce. And after thinking and praying about it, I knew there was only one answer. Absolutely. Love is love, man.


 * Sugar: Okay, everyone! It's time for my extra special guest! Back from the dead and cute and compact as ever.
 * Blaine: [standing by the door] Happy Valentine's Day, everybody.
 * Kurt: [looks up shocked]

On My Way [3.14]

 * Sebastian: Well well well, if it isn't a young Barbra Streisand and an old Betty White. Where's Gay Cyclops? Still trying to stumble his way in?
 * Kurt: We can't come here anymore.
 * Sebastian: [to Rachel] I brought an engagement gift for you. [hands Rachel an envelope]
 * Rachel: [opens the envelope, takes out a picture of Finn and gapes in shock] Oh my God! [covers Finn's privates in the picture] That thing is photoshopped! His thing is not that small, or brown!
 * Kurt: And he could never fit into those pumps.
 * Sebastian: Just think, from now until eternity, every time someone Googles 'Finn Hudson', they'll be treated to that. And dozens just like it. That's the beauty of the internet. It stays with us forever.
 * Rachel: What do you want, Sebastian?
 * Sebastian: I want a guaranteed Regionals win so I want you to drop out. McKinley gets home court advantage this year, and you're gonna come down with Asian bird-flu, or whatever Tina Blowhen-Wang just had.
 * Rachel: But that is show choir terrorism.
 * Kurt: You give a bad name to the entire gay community.
 * Sebastian: And you give the gay community cutting-edge fashions usually only seen on Puerto-Rican Pride floats.
 * Kurt: I'm sorry, I can't hear you over your giant horse teeth.
 * Sebastian: You have 24 hours to drop out, Rachel, or I press the 'upload' button. [walks away]


 * Quinn: I feel sorry for Karofsky, but what he did was selfish. He didn’t just want to hurt himself, he wanted to hurt everyone around him. I went through the wringer, but I never got to that place-
 * Kurt: Quinn, please. Sure, you had a baby when you were sixteen, and you had a bad dye job for two weeks, but seriously? The world never stopped loving you. And you’re going to Yale. You’ve no idea what Karofsky was struggling with.
 * Quinn: You really want to try to compare-
 * Kurt: The despair, the self-loathing…
 * Quinn: It doesn’t matter. I just can’t imagine things getting so messed up that you would consider taking your own life.
 * Kurt: That is so harsh and reductive. Have some compassion.


 * Sam: Someday I want to earn enough money to buy my folks a new place so they don't ever have to go through losing their home again.
 * Mercedes: Yeah, I'm most looking forward to meeting Rachel Berry's children.
 * [Everyone laughs.]
 * Artie: I want to be there to see my kid's first steps.
 * Sugar: I want to be there to see Sex & The City Part 3.
 * Mr. Schue: Wow.
 * Puck: I'm sort of embarrassed to admit it, but I really do want to graduate high school.
 * Finn: I'm going to petition the Army to change my dad's dishonorable discharge status to an honorable one.
 * Quinn: I'm looking forward to graduating from Yale at the top of my class.
 * Santana: I'm looking forward to the day when my grandmother loves me again.
 * Brittany: I want Lord Tubbington to kick his ecstasy addiction.
 * Blaine: I'm looking forward to marriage equality in all fifty states.
 * MIke: I'm looking forward to the first time I dance at Carnegie Hall.
 * Tina: I just want a song.
 * [Everyone laughs.]
 * Kurt: I'm looking forward to watching my dad make a difference in Congress.
 * Rachel: I'm looking forward to being friends with all of you for the rest of my life.
 * Rory: I know this sounds silly but the peanut butter really is amazing, Mr. Schue. Do you know what I'm looking forward to? Winning at Regionals.


 * Quinn: Hey, how do I look? Coach Sylvester gave it to me early and I couldn't resist.
 * Rachel: I'm glad you're happy. Everyone deserves to be happy.
 * Quinn: When you were singing that song, you were singing it to Finn and only Finn, right? He really does make you so happy. I want to support you, Rachel, and Finn, and come to the wedding. If it's not too late.
 * Rachel: [smiles widely and hugs Quinn]


 * Kurt: Can I come in?
 * David: Yeah. The doctor’s took me off 72-hour watch. I get to go home tomorrow.
 * Kurt: That’s great. I’m really happy that you’re alive, David.
 * David: Me too.
 * Kurt: I should have returned your calls.
 * David: Why would you, after the way I’ve treated you?
 * Kurt: It’s okay.
 * David: No, it’s not okay. It’s like you said on Valentine’s Day, I made your life a living hell for months. But when the same thing happened to me, I couldn’t take it for a week. My supposed best friend telling me he never wants to talk to me again, my mom telling me I have a disease… and maybe I can be cured. I don’t know what to do. I can’t go back to that school.
 * Kurt: Then go to another school. I’m not gonna lie to you, it isn’t going to be easy. And there will be days when… life just sucks. But you’re gonna get through this. ‘Cause I’m gonna help you. And so is everyone who loves you and accepts you for who you are. And if they can’t accept that, then… screw ‘em, right?
 * David: Yeah.


 * Hiram: Even Patti Lupone herself couldn't talk Rachel out of marrying Finn.
 * LeRoy: Barbara could.
 * Hiram: Maybe Barbara.
 * Burt: Who's Barbara?
 * Carole: Streisand.


 * Hiram: Here's what we're gonna do. When the Justice of the Peace says "Does anybody here object?"
 * Burt: Hell yeah! I do!
 * Hiram: We will all say "we do". [in singsong] With feeling! Burt! You will run interference with Finn! Carole! You will distract the Justice of the Peace with your feminine wiles. [Carole throws her arms up in annoyance] I will hustle Rachel out the side door and into our waiting car where you, Leroy, will drive, I don't drive, straight to Broadway! And if that doesn't start to get our baby girl back on her career track, I don't know what will. Are we agreed?
 * Burt: Sounds like a plan.


 * Mercedes: Finn, out! You can't see the bride before the wedding.
 * Finn: It's okay, I've already seen her.
 * Tina: But that's bad luck!
 * Rachel: No, it's fine.
 * Finn: Rachel, we gotta go or we're going to lose our slot.
 * Rachel: Can we please wait a couple more minutes for Quinn, please?
 * Finn: It's now or never.
 * Rachel: [grabs her phone and texts Quinn again]
 * Burt: [to Hiram] If you're going to do something, do it fast.
 * Hiram: New plan. I'm going to fake an epileptic seizure.
 * LeRoy: You're not an epileptic.
 * Hiram: That's why I'm going to fake it.
 * Burt: Hurry up.
 * Quinn: [peeks at her cellphone which reads 2 messages & texts to Rachel "on my way"]
 * [A speeding truck honks at Quinn, still distracted, and collides into Quinn's car. The screen turns black.]


 * [in promo]
 * Quinn: I'm not going to sit around and watch you ruin your life by marrying Finn Hudson.

Big Brother [3.15]

 * Rachel: It's not that. It's just, I can't stop thinking about Quinn. She's-
 * Finn: right behind you.
 * [Rachel turns around and sees Quinn approaching her and Finn in a wheelchair, smiling.]
 * Rachel: [smiles] Hi, Quinn! We missed you so much!
 * Quinn: No, don't. [Artie wheels next to her.] I could've easily become one of those creepy memorial pages in the yearbook, but by the grace of God, I'm here. Believe it or not, this is the happiest day of my life. [turns to Artie] Come on, Artie. I'll race you to the choir room! [wheels away with Artie following]


 * [The glee club gathers at the library.]
 * Puck: We all know why we're here. I've waited five years for this. I want ideas for Senior Ditch Day. Go.
 * Kurt: Ooh! A Gershwin/Sondheim scavenger hunt!
 * Santana: [scoffs] That sounds like torture.
 * Puck: I want actual ideas, Kurt.
 * Mike: Footloose marathon. Footloose, Footloose 2011.
 * Mercedes: What about a non-alcoholic pub crawl?
 * Puck: It's Senior Ditch Day, not Senior Citizen's Ditch Day.
 * Brittany: It's springtime. I would like to see something give birth. [Tina and Quinn smile and giggle.]
 * Rachel: [begins to cry] Quinn, I'm so sorry. It was my wedding you were going to when you got in your car crash. And you were answering my text message and now we're all sitting here, we're talking about this day that's suppose to be the most amazing and unforgettable day of our high school lives. And we're completely ignoring the fact that she's sitting in that chair. [shakes her head] It's not right. It's not right and it shouldn't be like this.
 * Quinn: Well, maybe not, but this is the way it is. My accident, which you did not cause by the way, doesn't define me or ruin our senior year. I meant what I said in the choir room. I'm not going to dwell on this and neither should any of you. Okay? [to Rachel] Come here.
 * [Rachel stands up and approaches Quinn.]
 * Quinn: Come on. [chuckles] Come on. [slowly Rachel hugs Quinn.]


 * Puck: (To Joe) You've got a twig in your head
 * [Joe thinks he's joking and shakes his head]
 * Puck: No seriously

Saturday Night Glee-ver [3.16]

 * Will: It's not the broken dreams that break us. It's the ones we don't dare to dream.


 * Finn: I was afraid to admit it because I was afraid of failing. But I'm not scared anymore.

Dance with Somebody [3.17]

 * Emma: I have OCD. I throw away a broom after I've used it once, and you think I'm gonna get married at a campground?


 * Burt: You and me, we've been doing this dance for over a decade. You know, Starsky and gay Hutch.


 * Emma: Champagne on a Tuesday? You've gone all Hunter S. Thompson.


 * Puck: I'm gonna miss all of you. I love you guys.


 * Sam: Quinn's a great girl, but you're gonna have to decide: do you wanna be closer to God or closer to her?


 * Sam: I'm a good Christian, there's just no way a dude's gonna be able to resist.


 * Joe: I was having feelings.
 * Sam: You mean like, in your pants feelings?


 * Brittany: Joe is really pretty, but I heard she doesn't shave her armpits.


 * Rachel: Finn sends me cute text messages all the time. They're usually puns about my boobs, but I still appreciate the effort.


 * Brittany: Quinn, you're still dancing in my dreams. And you can fly and breathe fire.


 * Santana: We're hanging on Whitney because she was incredible and we love her, so don't put your baggage on us.

Choke [3.18]

 * Finn: All right, everyone, listen carefully. Puck's scheduled to arrive at the Schneider's pool at 2:00 p.m., which means he should be there at 3:30. Sam, you're the driver, so stay in the car.
 * Sam: Well, can I play with the radio?
 * Finn: Rory, you're on lookout here.
 * Rory: Who am I looking out for? I mean, besides Puck?
 * Finn: Blaine, Mike and myself will triangulate a very carefully planned attack on Puck here, here and here.
 * Blaine: Is that a bear I'm hiding behind?
 * Finn: No, no, it's a bush.
 * Blaine: Looks like a bear.
 * Finn: But it's not a bear. It’s a bush.
 * Rory: Maybe a shrub.
 * Sam: What's the difference between a shrub and a bush?
 * Artie: What do I do?
 * Finn: Oh, that's the best part. You're going to be the bait. So, when Puck comes in the gate, you just roll your wheelchair into the pool, and all of a sudden, we...


 * Sue: Black Sue, it's no secret I despise you. I spent the weekend sending your photo to ivory poachers who could make an absolute fortune selling your enormous white teeth on the black market. Yet it sounds like you and I finally have something to agree on.
 * Roz: Look, I understand kids making jokes about things they find uncomfortable, like how there's a cheerleading coach at their school who's old as dirt and still trying to have a baby, who they know is gonna come out looking weird with rabies and wings, and it's gonna fly out of your hat box and straight back into hell. But domestic violence? That's nothing to joke about.

Prom-asaurus [3.19]

 * Santana: [about anti-prom] Ok how is everyone 'welcome' when this is clearly just a party for you and the two gay winklevii twins?
 * Rachel: Actually Santana, we've invited most of McKinley's underclassmen.
 * [flashback to Rachel asking Becky to anti-prom]
 * Rachel: I wanted to invite you to our anti-prom party.
 * Becky: Who's going?
 * Rachel: Me, Kurt...
 * Becky: Boring, who else?
 * Rachel: Well, we just came up with the idea.
 * Becky: I'll think about it
 * [end of flashback]
 * Puck: I'm in
 * Artie: But what about your tradition of spiking coach Sylvester's punch bowl? I almost lost my teeth for it last time.
 * Puck: It's impossible. Plus it's a bummer always failing--at everything.
 * Santana: Can we just talk about what this really is? Rachel Berry isn't getting her way, so she's punishing the rest of us.
 * Rachel: Santana, that's not the case at all.
 * Santana: Stop acting like you're fine and start dealing with your crap. Look, you choked at your big audition. I get it. I'm sorry, but it happens. And I understand that you are pissed off at the universe, but imploding on one of the last nights that we have to spend together because, basically, your just not in the mood to dance is maybe the pettiest thing you have ever done. So have fun at your "I'm a victim" party, acting like you're not some selfish, self-centered, lame-ass wannabe diva from hell, because me, I'm going to go to my senior prom with my girlfriend and my friends.

Props [3.20]

 * Artie as Santana: [to Tina as Rachel] Oh, hey there, Hobbit. Can't wait to hear your solo in glee club today. Hope you don't choke like you did in your NYADA audition. [walks away]


 * Will: We've got one last week to come together and shake things up. If there's anyone here who is not up to trying and working their butts off, you should just get up right now and leave.
 * (Tina gets up and leaves)
 * Finn: Whoa, whoa Tina where are you going?
 * Tina: You guys don't need me-- carry on.
 * Rachel: Tina, you don't understand. I need this.
 * Tina: Because you blew an audition? That's not a reason for you to get a solo at nationals. Maybe the rest of us would like one, too.
 * Rory: I wouldn't mind having another one before I get deported.
 * Sugar: I want one even though I can't sing.
 * Mike: Tina, Rachel's a senior.
 * Tina: So are you, but you can bet the only thing you'll be doing is a dance break with Brittany. Other people matter.
 * Will: Tina, you might not always get the solos, but you are a key player. I put you in charge of costumes.
 * Tina: Wow! like that's some prize. You want props to move around? Well I'm a human prop, and I'm sick of it!
 * Sue: Take a lap and cool down, Asian Number One.
 * Tina: My name is Tina. Tina Cohen-Chang!
 * Sue: Isn't she the one who used to stutter?


 * Rachel: Tina, look, I understand that you feel like your voice is being stifled right now, in the glee club. I mean, I have no idea why you would choose this moment specifically to make a stink about it but I want you to know you are being heard. Which is why I am willing to offer you $50 just to let this all blow over until after Nationals.
 * (Tina walks away, Rachel follows)
 * Rachel: Do you have any idea how important Nationals is to me? I mean if I can convince Carmen Tibideaux to come and watch us perform, then it's basically like a do-over for my NYADA audition, which means that my entire future depends on us being amazing, which means that everyone has to do their part.
 * Tina: Their part to make you look good. I've sat, for three years, in the back of that choir room, holding Mikes hand or crying or smiling and swaying, while everyone else was out there singing solos. Maybe I say something, most of the time I don't, team player all the way. I am tired of being silent. I am one of the original glee club members and I was singing Sit Down, You're Rocking the Boat when Finn and Puck were still throwing slushies at us. So when is it my turn?
 * Rachel: Do you have any idea how difficult it is to be me? Do you have a Facebook account or Twitter account?
 * Tina: Yes.
 * Rachel: Do you have time to watch Bravo or read a book or buy laces for your incredibly high comical boots? Okay? I don't. It's exhausting being me. I get up at 5:00 in the morning just to get all of this prepared, in case a solo is thrown my way. I have the entire Sondheim, Hamlisch, Lloyd-Webber, Elton John songbooks memorized, including every single Katy Perry hit, as well. And I do all of this while keeping my boyfriend interested and physically satisfied and being the captain of 16 clubs and keeping a 3.86 GPA.
 * Tina: I could do all of that.
 * Rachel: And you will. Next year. You'll have your chance next year.
 * Tina: All I want, for one moment, to feel like you. Be up on that stage and get one of the standing ovations you're so used to getting.


 * Rachel: Madame Tibideaux, hello. I'm sorry to interrupt, but it's me, Rachel Berry.
 * Carmen Tibideaux: (groans)
 * Rachel: I'm sorry, I realize that I've been a little persistent, but I'm just...
 * Carmen Tibideaux: I am a very busy woman. Every moment I spend deleting yet another one of your voicemails about lost hopes and dreams takes time away from another student. What makes you think that you are entitled to any more attention than other hundreds of people I see with the same hopes and dreams?
 * Rachel: No. I'm so sorry. I don't mean to take time away from them.
 * Carmen Tibideaux: But you do. And I'm tired of it.
 * Tina: Ms. Tibideaux, I know exactly how you feel. Rachel Berry is a pain in the ass. What she wants, she gets. And I've spent a lot of time resenting her for it. But the fact is, she gets it because she's exceptional. Not just the voice, which is sick, but the focus, the drive. How often do you come across the real deal?
 * Carmen Tibideaux: The "real deal" that couldn't remember the words to the song?
 * Tina: Which was as rare as a Bigfoot sighting. She had an off day, and that decides her whole future?
 * Rachel: Ms. Tibideaux, I realize that I'm asking you to take me into special consideration, but let me ask you. You've had an amazing career, did you get their by playing it safe? Please, we're performing our Nationals in Chicago, and we saw that you're going to be singing there at the Lyric Opera. And before you close the door, I just, I need you to hear me sing. I have to. There's nothing that I'm as good at or as passionate about or that brings me that much joy. And I think that that sets me apart.
 * Carmen Tibideaux: And I think it's time for you and your friend to go.
 * Rachel: Okay, but I just want you to know that... I'll see you again next year. And every year after that until I get in. Didn't I read somewhere that you that you auditioned for Juilliard four times? Thank you.

Nationals [3.21]

 * Jesse St. James: Looking for what is left of your dignity?
 * Rachel Berry: Nice to see you too, Jesse.
 * Jesse St. James: If I were you, I'd spend more time focusing on how you're gonna wrap up fourth place than looking for her. There's no way how Carmen Tibideaux is coming here.
 * Rachel Berry: Wait, how do you know about Carmen?
 * Jesse St. James: It's my place just to know everything that's going on with my competition. I'm always looking for that extra edge. I'd hate to think you'd pull the same choke job up there today.
 * Rachel Berry: Look, I know exactly what you're doing, okay? We didn't date for that long, and I don't even know exactly how much of it was real, but when you get nervous, you get mean, then really pale, then you start putting your hands through your hair like Danny Zucko.
 * Jesse St. James: Look, you have no idea the kind of pressure I'm in here. Last year Vocal Adrenaline lost for the first time in eight years. If we lose again this year, that's it, the dynasty is over. The mystique that we use in order to intimidate our opponents will vanish. I promised them I'd reboot the program, I'll be humiliated.
 * Rachel Berry: You did help the program. What you did with Unique was amazing!
 * Jesse St. James: That was a pretty inspired idea of mine.
 * Rachel Berry: It was actually Kurt's and Mercedes' idea, but...
 * Jesse St. James: ... But I implemented it. I just think that these new rules are messing with my head. 33% of the numbers have be vintage? What does that even mean? The only thing vintage about me is my Tyrone Powers haircut and my pager.
 * Rachel Berry: Are you forgetting who you are, Jesse? Your Bohemian Rhapsody was like the benchmark performance for every show choir competition in the past ten years.
 * Jesse St. James: Most people don't realize I lost ten pounds during that performance.
 * Rachel Berry: You guys are going to do great today. Even though we're definitely going to win.
 * Jesse St. James: Cocky all of a sudden. I like it.


 * Jesse St. James: Excuse me, Mrs. Tibideaux? I'm Jesse St. James, coach of Vocal Adrenaline. I auditioned to you two years ago. You said I showed promise.
 * Carmen Tibideaux: And you probably did. I see hundreds of people every day. Good day to you.
 *  Jesse St. James: No, I'm not here for me. I heard that you came here today to see Rachel Berry. And there's something you need to know about her. Rachel's the most talented person I've ever met. Bar none. If anyone is going to be a star someday, it's her. She'll make an excellent contribution to NYADA. You won't regret it, I promise.