Green Wing (series 2)


 * For series 1 quotes, see Green Wing (series 1).
 * For the Special quotes, see Green Wing Special.

Green Wing (2004 – 2007) is a British television comedy broadcast on Channel 4. The second series was shown between 31 March and 19 May 2006. The DVD of the second series is set to be released on 2 October time, with the Christmas Special coming out separate. Also, this contains The Secret Policeman's Ball Sketch.

Episode 1 [2.1]

 * [Guy has brought a kitten in Mac’s room. He then takes out a gun and points it at the kitten.]
 * Guy: Wake up, or the kitty gets it. [Pause, followed by the kitten meowing quietly, then he talks to the kitten.] You said it would work.


 * Caroline: Guy, did you take a cat and a gun into Mac’s ward?
 * Guy: It was a replica.
 * Caroline: [Gasps] You brought in a replica cat?
 * Guy: [slowly] A replica gun.
 * Caroline: You're trying to get fully reinstated, how stupid can you be?
 * Guy: Not stupid enough to ask whether or not someone has brought in a replica cat.


 * Martin is puzzled about Guy's choice of lunch
 * Martin: You don't like curry.
 * Guy: No. Ah, not usually, no. But it's Ramadan! [waves the curry under the noses of two nurses] A time for fasting. Yum yum yum! Smells so good!
 * Nurse: We're Hindu, you nipple!

Episode 2 [2.2]

 * Angela: Just tell him what happened.
 * Caroline: He might not believe me. I’ve got no witnesses.
 * Angela: Well, if he knows his minds gone a bit…blurrg…so just tell him.
 * Caroline: Oh right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hi Mac, I’m er, I’m Caroline. You know, the one you found a bit irritating at first, but then er…well, the thing is you really, really liked me and now we’re kind of a couple. So, there you go, I’ve filled in all the gaps, let’s go to bed.
 * Angela: Well, maybe in not so many words.




 * [At an internal tribunal.]
 * Charles: Isn’t there something else you’d like to say?
 * Guy: Err…I don’t think so?
 * Sue: What’s the magic word?
 * Guy: Abracadabra?
 * Charles: How do you normally express your gratitude to somebody?
 * Guy: You want a tip? Is that ethical?




 * Caroline: Look, we’re all back!
 * Mac: Yeah, but I don’t really remember who you are?
 * Guy: Well, as long you remember in what order to put the organs back in in.
 * Mac: What an odd thing to say say. [Mac has a scalpel in his hand, and starts waving it around.] A one, a two, a one, two, three, four.
 * Caroline: Yeah, I’m actually a little bit worried now.
 * Mac: Wuss.
 * Guy: Oooh…no! Not like that! Don’t hold it like that. Oh my God, the man’s a butcher. Be careful with that bit, that’s the bit they need to…eat asparagus. They won’t be able to eat asparagus if you cut that bit out.




 * [Guy and Mac’s top five qualities in a woman, to Caroline.]
 * Guy: Five qualities, that’s easy. Number one, bendy.
 * Mac: Unpredictable.
 * Guy: Number two, shaved.
 * Mac: Must appreciate the genius of the Kinks.
 * Guy: Number three, slightly anorexic.
 * Mac: Thoughtful eyes.
 * Guy: Four, about sort of 5% lesbian.
 * Mac: Should be in touch with her masculine side.
 * Guy: And finally, mustn’t be too smelly in the cellar.
 * Mac: Compassionate.
 * Guy: [Disgusted] Ugh…So what you’ve come up with is an unpredictable, yet compassionate, slightly masculine, Kinks fan... with eyes?
 * Mac: I know. It’s an impossible dream.
 * Guy: [to Caroline as they leave] In the cellar. Down below...



Episode 3 [2.3]

 * [Harriet rushes into the office.]
 * Harriet: Oh, sorry I’m late. The kids.
 * Kim: Took forever to get ready?
 * Harriet: Yeah, and the traffic.
 * Rachel: Terrible?
 * Harriet: Wasn’t it. Then I had to stop off at… [She opens her bag, and a cat comes out of it.] Oh. Well who did I leave at the vets then?




 * Caroline: I’m just saying it’s a male dominated workplace.
 * Guy: Bollocks!
 * Caroline: I’ve got a few other points you can prove for me if you like.
 * Guy: It’s not male dominated, there are bloody women everywhere.
 * Mac: Hmm…crunching underfoot everywhere they walk.
 * Guy: Yeah. Have you ever paid for a woman to walk on you? I have. It’s pointless. Really hurts.
 * Caroline: Wow, it’s like working with Germaine Greer.




 * Joanna: Right, what have we got? Anything?
 * Kim: Oh wait, there’s a complaints file.
 * Joanna: I knew it! [They open the file. A pop-up paper set of flowers comes up from the file. Both scream at the sight.] Oh damn, she’s good.




 * Sue: Do I look like a mug? Have I got a handle? Am I made of china? Am I kept in a cupboard or on a small wooden tree? Would you like to put your lips on my rim? You may answer that question, the others were rhetorical.
 * Angela: This is the chance of a lifetime. If it doesn’t happen now, it may never happen!
 * Sue: Are we still on the rim thing?




 * [Mac enters the gents'.]
 * Martin: [O. O. V.] Hi Mac.
 * [Mac turns]
 * Mac: OK, that is the worst "going to the toilet" I’ve ever seen.
 * [The camera moves to show Martin stuck to the wall with parcel tape.]
 * Martin: Yeah, Guy said he’d be phoning the gays.
 * Mac: Which gays?
 * Martin: Well, all of them.
 * Mac: The thing you have to understand about the gays, is that they're probably more scared of you, than you are of them.



Episode 4 [2.4]

 * Guy: [To Caroline] You’ve got paperclips stuck to your hand.
 * Caroline: Have I? [Caroline lifts up her left hand. There are paperclips stuck to it.] Oh, must be a full moon; my hand goes magnetic.


 * Caroline: Swiss mouth, shut!


 * Caroline has reluctantly agreed to let Guy move into her spare room
 * Mac: A sabot, or sa-bot, was a kind of wooden clog worn by impoverished French workers, and as a protest against the Jacquard loom-- which they thought would take away their jobs-- they'd throw their sabots-- or wooden clogs-- into the delicate machinery to destroy its workings, from which we get the modern word sabotage.
 * Guy: Yeah, alright. Now you've harshed my buzz, have you got a point?
 * Mac: Well, if your plan to move in with Caroline is, in any way, an attempt to sabotage our relationship, I will hit you in the fucking face with a big wooden clog.

Episode 5 [2.5]

 * [Mac and Caroline are ready to kiss]
 * Guy: Can you get a verruca on your penis?
 * Caroline: I can’t, can you?
 * Mac: Never tried, pretty good at most parlour games though.
 * Guy: A friend of mine fell knob first into a foot bath at a swimming pool, he was wondering, that’s all. I’m not interrupting anything am I?
 * Mac: Just the evolution of mankind.



Episode 6 [2.6]

 * Murrat: You queen!
 * Karen: (embarrassed smile) No!
 * Murrat: Yes! (indicates her hair) Brian May! Queen!


 * Joanna: You’ve kept notes! Tell me you haven’t written down what you’ve did to my cousin?
 * Alan: Not really.
 * [Joanna takes Alan’s notebook and reads it herself.]
 * Joanna: “Damaged heron.” Somehow that’s worse.
 * Alan: Give it here.
 * Joanna: No, that’s going to the same place as my cousin.
 * Alan: Oh that’s terrific, where am I supposed to jot down my useful ideas?
 * Joanna: On your knob end? You wouldn’t need a huge amount of space will you? Oh here’s a useful idea for you, don’t kill dwarfs with herons.



Episode 7 [2.7]

 * [Sue is kissing the ventriloquist's dummy.]
 * Sue: Live, damn you, live!
 * Dummy: Fuck off! Save yourself for Dr. Macartney.
 * Sue: Yeah, I know you're right, you're right; but, Mac and Holly...what are we going to do?
 * Dummy: Destroy her!
 * Sue: Yes, good, how?
 * Dummy: Leave it to me.

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 * Alan: Let’s have sex.
 * Joanna: We have to keep away from each other!
 * Alan: Let’s have sex separately.

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 * Mac: I think my son's hair is dyed.
 * Martin: Oh, right. Well, have you checked to see whether his collar and cuffs match?
 * Mac: Martin, he's four years old.
 * Martin: Yeah, I know.
 * Mac: But if it is dyed, do you see what that means? Do you see what that implies?
 * Martin: Means he's probably quite vain about his appearance? Oh my God! He's gay!

Episode 8 [2.8]

 * Guy: [As Caroline takes a towel and wipes the mirror without reading the message.] No!
 * Caroline: What?
 * Guy: You spoilt it.
 * Caroline: [Brushing her teeth] Spoilt what?
 * Guy: The mirror, I'd written in it.
 * Caroline: Really.
 * Guy: Yes.
 * Caroline: Wrote what?
 * Guy: It doesn’t matter now, but if you must know it was, 'I love you.'
 * Caroline: You bloody narcissist!

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 * Mac: All I’m saying is that you’ll never be a one-woman man.
 * Guy: That’s rubbish, I am.
 * Mac: Are you?
 * Guy: Yeah.
 * Mac: What about that new blonde girl in ENT, nice or what?
 * Guy: Not interested.
 * Mac: Not interested?
 * Guy: No. No, I’ve changed.
 * Mac: Oh great. What about Graham in dermatology
 * Guy: Changed as in, “I think I’m ready for commitment.”
 * Mac: Fantastic. I’ll sign your commitment papers for you today.

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The Secret Policeman's Ball Sketch

 * Mac: You look a bit like a fairy.
 * Guy: [Points to Mac and Sue] Pot, kettle. Kettle, pot. That's the introductions out of the way.
 * Sue: Really? Who's this, then? [Get up off the gurney and talks to the patient] Oh, no, you don't, little lady. Uh-huh. Think we might've met before. Come on, up you pop. Off your trolley!
 * Guy: [Points to Sue and the patient] Pot, kettle. Kettle, pot.

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Misc quotes

 * Joanna: “Criminals always get caught in the end, don’t you watch TV?”

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 * Boyce: [To Martin, after he denies he offered a ride on his motorbike to a prostitute.] "Well, there was someone straddling you mate, maybe you should check your rear-view mirrors more."

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