Grounded for Life

Grounded for Life (2001-2005) is an American television sitcom set in an Irish neighborhood of Staten Island, New York and is about the comedic interplay of the Irish Catholic Finnerty family.

Lily B. Good [1.1]

 * Henry: Dad said we couldn't get a cable box, they're too expensive.
 * Eddie: Your dad and I live in two different worlds.
 * Jimmy: Uncle Eddie, it's stolen isn't it?
 * Eddie: 'Stolen' would be a word from your dad's world.


 * [referring to Sean throwing chicken at a car when he sees Brad and Lily making out in it]
 * Claudia: [giggles]
 * Sean: It's not funny! I didn't know what else to do.
 * Claudia: How is throwing chicken even an option?!


 * Claudia: Walt, why are my children on a chain gang?
 * Walt: I am teaching these boys how to dig a hole
 * Sean: Why?
 * Walt: A good hole can serve a boy in a lot of ways. It helps them focus, lets them sweat, and makes them appreciate a warm bed at night.
 * Claudia: How much is there to teach about a hole?
 * Walt: That's the kind of attitude that leads to substandard holes.


 * Sean: Well there was more than just chicken.
 * Claudia: Biscuits?
 * Sean: NO, no.
 * Eddie: So you still have the biscuits?
 * Sean: No, there were no biscuits! I'm talking about an additional incident.
 * Eddie: I can't believe you didn't get biscuits, they come with the chicken.
 * Sean: I didn't get any biscuits! Look I went out to get a bucket of chicken, I got a bucket of chicken.
 * Eddie: You would have had to specifically asked them to leave the biscuits out!

In My Room

 * [in Christina's room]


 * Christina: Hey, Lily, this is weird, you're online.
 * Lily: No, I'm not.
 * Christina: Yes, you are. Your screen name just popped up on my buddy list, see?
 * Lily: No way! Uh, somebody signed on with my name!
 * Christina: No!
 * Lily: Yes! Send them an instant message. "Lily, what are you doing?"
 * Christina: They're not answering.
 * Lily: Type "Are you there?" This is so freaking me out!
 * Christina: Totally!


 * [person on lily's screen name types 'Yes...just hanging around...you know, just keeping it fresh.']


 * Christina: Yes, just hanging around, you know, just keeping it fresh?
 * Lily: [furious] Oh, my God. It's my dad.
 * Christina: How do you know?
 * Lily: It's him.


 * [flashback]


 * Neighbor: How's it goin' Mr. Finnerty?
 * Sean: Ah, you know, keepin' it fresh.
 * Lily: Did he really say keeping it fresh?
 * Claudia: [shaking head] I'll talk to him.


 * [end flash back]


 * Christina: Should we sign off?
 * Lily: No, move over.


 * Walt: Back in my day we used to play Cowboys and Indians. Of course that was when you were allowed to say Indian.  You can't say Indian anymore.
 * Henry: I'm not allowed to say bite me.
 * Jimmy: Hey! Watch your Mouth!
 * Henry: Bite me, Indian!

I Wanna Be Suspended

 * Sean: Hey, Lily, you liked the Ramones, didn't you?
 * Lily: Well, the music was good, but I kept worrying they were gonna die.

Devil with a Plaid Skirt

 * Preacher: Have you tried talking to Jimmy about this?
 * Sean: Oh, I tried, but it kind of backfired.


 * [flash back]


 * Sean: See, Jimmy, you're not possessed by Satan because...there is no Satan!


 * [Henry looks up devilishly,scene cuts to school]


 * Henry: [talking to a large group of classmates] My dad says there's no such thing as Satan, which means there's no such thing as hell, which means you can pretty much do what ever you want, so go right ahead. [complete anarchy ensues]


 * [end flashback]

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 * Preacher: And you wonder why Sister Helen has it in for your family?
 * Sean: Out! She has it out for our family. And i couldn't have forseen that!

Action Mountain High

 * Sean: You know, hearing it out loud makes me realize I'm the worst dad in the world
 * Claudia: Please. You're not even the worst dad in the house.
 * (Walt glares)

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 * Claudia: How do two fourteen year old girls even get from Staten Island to the middle of New Jersey?
 * Walt: Well, if their fathers have achieved a basic level of competence, they don't get there.
 * Sean: Dad, I don't need your help.
 * Walt: No, of course not, just let it play out. At some point, the state'll intervene.

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 * Lily: You have literally pushed me off a cliff! You have literally pushed me to my death! I am literally dying. I am literally dead from embarrassment because of you!
 * Sean: Lily, you really need to look up the definition of the word 'literally'.
 * Lily: I am literally going insane!
 * Sean: Alright! Good usage!

You Can't Always Get What You Want

 * Eddie: (about Sean) He looks like a drunk bear.

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 * Lily: You buy stuff for Jimmy and Henry all the time. How many freaking Pokemon are there?
 * Sean: A hundred and fifty five. Can you hand me the socket wrench?
 * Lily: Get Pikachu to hand it to you.
 * Sean: Sure. Go for the obvious one!

Like a Virgin

 * Claudia (to Lily): Friends don't let friends drive naked!

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 * Sean (to Lily): You just sexually harassed a waiter with your mom! How cool is that?

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 * Sean: Eddie, where the hell did you get 150 dollars cash?
 * Eddie: I don't ask you where you get your money.
 * Sean: I got a job.
 * Eddie: I didn't ask.

Devil's Haircut

 * Lily: (to Eddie about the No Doubt tickets) How did you get them?
 * Eddie: I know a guy.
 * Lily: You always know a guy. How many guys do you know?
 * Eddie: I know about 75 guys.

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 * Lily: Eddie got me 4 tickets to the No Doubt concert.
 * Claudia: Oh, that's great.
 * Lily: No, you don't understand. It's amazing! It's totally sold out and it's in a tiny club. It'll be like they're in our house.
 * Claudia: That is amazing!
 * Lily: No, you don't understand. It's incredible. It's a benefit concert, only 300 people will be there, and me & my friends will be 4 of them.
 * Claudia: It's incredible!
 * Lily: No! It's genius!
 * Claudia: I know!
 * Lily: Oh forget, you'll never understand.

Eddie's Dead

 * Sean (to Eddie): It's hard to find people like that, people who like you.
 * Eddie: Yeah, she's one in a million. I have to get rid of her.

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 * Walt: (about Eddie fabricating his death) Wait, was this about four months ago?
 * Sean: Uh-huh.
 * Walt: Cause people kept coming up to me and saying they felt sorry for me, but I thought they just meant in general.

Catch Us If You Can

 * (While Sean, Eddie, Jimmy & Henry are running from an angry mob)
 * Jimmy: I can't keep running, Dad!
 * Sean: You've got to!
 * Eddie: I just got hit with a snow cone!
 * Jimmy: We're all gonna die!
 * Eddie: I hate snow cones!

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 * Claudia (to Walt): Walt, what are you eating?
 * Walt: Fruit Roll-up. They're not bad.
 * Claudia: Those are edible panties.
 * Walt: What? Oh dear God! I've got to go to church. (leaves the house)

Jimmy's Got a Gun

 * Eddie (to Lily): Uniforms are a major thing for guys.
 * Lily: Oh, great. The only uniform I get to wear is a Catholic school uniform. What guys is gonna like that?

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 * Officer (to Eddie): Aren't you that guy?
 * Eddie: No, it wasn't me.
 * Officer: You look just like---
 * Eddie: I got that kinda face! I look like a lot of people who aren't me.

Jimmy Was Kung-Fu Fighting

 * Lily (explaining why she got her tongue pierced): They were making fun of me. I had to make myself cool again.
 * Walt: Well, why stop with your tongue? Put a bolt through your neck, you'll be queen of the prom.

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 * Sean (to Henry): Hey buddy, we had a rule in this house, okay? We don't eat from the garbage.
 * Henry: You never told me about that.
 * Claudia: We-we didn't think we had to, honey. It's-it's like drinking out of the toilet.
 * Henry: Oh, great. Another rule.

Loser

 * Henry: Hey, Reynolds! Do you know what the T in T-Birds stands for?... THE LOSER!!! HA!

Mrs. Finnerty, You've Got a Lovely Daughter

 * Claudia (about Lily): What can you do to cheer her up?
 * Eddie: I'm gonna take a section of an orange peel, put it in my mouth, and act like a monster.
 * Sean: No thanks.
 * Eddie: It makes all my friends laugh.
 * Sean: Your friends are all baked.
 * Eddie: That doesn't mean they're not a deserving audience!

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 * Eddie: What did Lily do? Did she tear up a picture of the pope or something?
 * Claudia: No.
 * Eddie: Good. Cause that's been done.


 * Jimmy (as he watches Lily & her friends perform "Big Spender"): I don't know why, but I want to give that one my allowance.

Love Child

 * Jimmy (to Lily): What's the matter with you?
 * Lily: I just found out I'm a bastard.
 * Henry: Don't worry, Dad says his boss is too.

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 * Claudia (to Eddie): You slept with her, didn't you?
 * Eddie: I just met her yesterday.
 * Claudia: So?
 * Eddie: It was just once.

Baby, You Can't Drive My Car

 * Sean (about Lily): Only three more years...
 * Claudia: Til she goes away to college?
 * Sean: No. Until she can be tried as an adult.


 * (After finding out Brad took the car)
 * Jimmy: He's the last person I'd suspect!
 * Claudia: Yeah, he's so nice!
 * Henry: Plus, he's such a doofus.


 * Lily: This is why I don't tell you things, cuz you over react!
 * Sean: I am not over-reacting. The appropriate reaction would be to swing you around by your hair!


 * Walt (to Brad): We're just gonna go have a little sit-down with your old man.
 * Brad: He's gonna kick my ass!
 * Walt: That salad shooter? He doesn't have the stones.
 * Brad: I don't know what that means.
 * Walt: I'll explain it to you on the way out.

Dream On

 * Walt (to Sean): You gotta learn to control your frustrations.
 * Sean: This from the man who spent half his life screaming at appliances.
 * Walt: I was hoping for more from you.


 * (When Walt pours some Apple Cider for himself and Henry)
 * Henry: This tastes funny.
 * Walt: Whoa! This cider's turned
 * Henry: Turned into what?
 * Walt: Into grown up cider.
 * Henry: I don't like it.
 * Walt: Well, that's good because we have a family history of liking it.

Smoke on the Daughter
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 * Sean: Ooh, an armoire.
 * Claudia: That's what they call it.
 * Sean: (in French accent) Oh, then we should buy this "armoire"' and put it in the "boudoir" next to the "toilette". Ooh-la-la.

I Saw Daddy Hitting Santa Claus

 * Eddie: A goat and a sheep, that could be dangerous. They could spawn a hybrid creature with the strength of a goat and the cunning of a sheep.

Let's Talk About Sex, Henry

 * Sean: I don't want Henry thinking "sexuality" is a dirty word.
 * Walt: What are you talking about? It is the mother of all dirty words. All the other dirty words come from it.
 * Eddie: I can think of one that doesn't. Oh no, that links up too.


 * Sean (about Henry): Why'd they put him in 219? He's not a problem kid.
 * Eddie: We weren't problem kids. We just marched to a different drummer.
 * Claudia: You were in 219?
 * Eddie: I started 219.
 * Claudia: Sean, I don't want my baby in 219.
 * Sean: You think I do?
 * Eddie: I became a man in 219.


 * Eddie (to Held Back Kid): Hey, that's a nice tattoo. Did you do that yourself?
 * Held Back Kid: Yeah.
 * Eddie: Why are you so into "Satin"?
 * Held Back Kid: It says "Satan."
 * Eddie: You don't win the spelling bees, do you?

Don't Fear the Reefer

 * Sean (to Claudia): Why do you keep your bridesmaid dresses?
 * Claudia: They're expensive!
 * Sean: Well, so is pot!
 * Claudia: Yes, but I'm not worried the kids are going to find them.
 * Sean: Aren't you forgetting something?
 * (Flashback to Henry bouncing on a bed in a dress)
 * Henry: I'm a lady! (blows a kiss)


 * Claudia (to Sean): Be careful!
 * Sean: Oh, thank you! That's the one thing I forgot, to be careful with a saw thirty feet up in the air.
 * Claudia: You're welcome. When you go to the hospital, make sure you bring your arm.


 * Dan (to Sean): The ham's getting COLD and the beer's getting WARM.
 * Sean: Then why don't you try wrapping your HAM around your BEER! (goes inside)
 * Dan: That might work!

Take It to the Limit

 * Lily: Yeah! Well...I read somewhere that compulsive shopping was a disease!
 * Sean: Cholera is a disease. Compulsive shopping is something a 16 year-old does when she wants to look cute for a party and someone gives her a credit card.
 * [Sean turns to face Claudia]


 * Sean: Hello, Rochelle? No, I do not want to give you my account number and I shall tell you why: because I have already keyed it in three times and given it to several different people including a Beth, a José, and someone who was really rude to me named Kevin. And I think I speak for all Americans when I say that we are SICK of having to call something in and key in the number and then being asked what the number was we keyed in before! Alright? So why don't you get a piece of paper - have you heard of that? And a pen AND WRITE THE DAMN NUMBERS DOWN!


 * Claudia: Your dad is gonna freak when he sees his car....Th-th-that car reeks.
 * Sean: Yeah, my dad works in a dump, if he had a sense of smell, he'd be dead by now.

Swearin' to God
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 * Eddie: Hey! I was in the ScienceNauts!
 * Sean: Oh yea, I remember.


 * [flash back]


 * Nun: Edward, Last month the school's electricity bill was extremely high, and I have yet to see one tomato!
 * [Eddie and two other boys are standing around marijuana plants.]


 * Eddie: Don't worry, Sister, I think I see one budding.
 * [end flash back]


 * Walt: How come I never got one of those tomatoes?

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Henry's Been Working for the Drug Squad

 * Claudia: Sean, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, go to hell.
 * Sean: That is not the expression!


 * Henry: They gave me this badge!
 * Sean: OH, wow! You're an official Anti-Druglord.
 * Henry: Yes, I am, and I'm putting you in my under observation file.
 * Sean: Okay, you do that. (Henry walks out indicating he'll keep his eyes on Sean) Narc.

Tonight's the Night

 * Lily: [to Sean] Your condom machine's broken.


 * Henry: I thought that symbol on the bathroom door was a man with his shirt tucked out.


 * Brad: The stuff that you wanted Dean to say? Was it... you know, like, the way you look when you're happy about something?
 * Lily: What do you mean?
 * Brad: When you smile, it's like... it's like your eyes are smiling, too.
 * Lily: Yeah, that would've been okay.
 * Brad: Or how... when that storm knocked that nest out of that tree, you went and got a ladder and put it back, even though you're totally afraid of heights.
 * Lily: [sitting next to Brad] You saw that?
 * Brad: My dad locks me out a lot. You know, he could've said something about how, you know when you take a sip from the water fountain at school? You always use both your fingers to push your hair behind your ear. [Demonstrates] Like that. Anyone who pays attention knows there's a million nice things they could say about you.
 * [Lily kisses him]
 * Brad: [shocked] What did you do that for?
 * Lily: I guess it was too hard not to.

Your Father Should Know (1)

 * Eddie (to Sean): Why is there a plastic angel covered with blood on the sidewalk?
 * Sean: It's not covered with blood. It's just got droplets of blood on it.
 * Eddie: Oh. Why is there a plastic angel with droplets of blood on it on the sidewalk?
 * Sean: It fell off the roof.
 * Eddie: And it started bleeding?
 * Sean: No, it hit Brad O'Keefe in the nose.


 * Brad (to Lily): Your dad's gonna kill me!
 * Lily: Well, maybe if you hadn't told your dad, none of this would've happened!
 * Brad: I didn't mean to, it just slipped out! He was giving me a driving lesson and it wasn't going well.
 * Lily: Is that when you almost ran over the dog?
 * Brad: Yeah. And my dad said I was such an idiot and even if I ever did get a girlfriend, I'd probably run over her dog, too, so I... just told him.
 * Lily: And?
 * Brad: And then he got all misty on me so I gave him a hug and he took me to Macy's and bought me some pants. My father has never bought me pants before!

Your Father Should Know (2)

 * Sean (to Dan): What the hell do you think this dinner's about? We didn't invite you over to play Boggle!
 * Dan: I'd kick your ass in Boggle!
 * Sean: Oh, well, bring it on, pal!
 * Connie: I'm not gonna sit here while you play Boggle with the tramp's father.


 * Brad: Mom! Lily is not a tramp. She waited all year to sleep with her boyfriend and then at the last minute, she slept with me instead!
 * Lily: BRAD!!!

All Apologies

 * Claudia: I'm gonna kill you!
 * Eddie: What'd I do?
 * Claudia: You're a degenerate scumbag!
 * Eddie: Could you be more specific?

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 * Eddie: You and Claudia, and the kids were outta town. It seemed a shame to let a perfectly good porn set go to waste.
 * Sean: It's not a porno set. It's our house!

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 * Sean: You've gotta let her know you learned something from this.
 * Eddie: Yeah... So what'd I learn?
 * Sean: Not to shoot porno in our house!!

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 * Eddie: I learned something.
 * Claudia: Oh, really? What did you learn?
 * Eddie: That what I did was wrong. And to respect you. And respect your house. And respect that you got a thing about people shooting porn in it.

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 * Henry: Great now Uncle Eddie isn't allowed over. Now I'm gonna have a porno birthday!

Me and Mrs. O

 * Eddie: Hey, Brad, how's it going?
 * Brad: It's going great... MOTHER LOVER!

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 * [Two girls are talking and Jimmy interrupts]
 * Jimmy: I know!
 * Girl #1: You know what?
 * Jimmy: You know, what you were just talking about...
 * Girl #2: You've kissed a guy with a mustache?

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 * Sean: Here's the pinata.
 * Brad: That's not a gray alien.
 * Sean: It's the only kind they had.
 * Brad: It's the only kind the government wants you to have.

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 * Henry: Fruit! Is this some kind of sick joke?!

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 * Henry: (After Brad continues to beat the piñata even though it's on the ground and broken open) Don't hurt the candy!

Get a Job

 * Liliy: Dad can you drive me and Brad to the mall?
 * Sean: No
 * Walt: I'll drive you.
 * Lily: You don't have to work tonight, Grandpa?
 * Walt: No, these guys just canned my ass.

The Policy of Truth

 * Claudia: I'm naming this baby Ass Jr.
 * Sean: You always say that.

Tom Sawyer

 * Eddie: Look at that man I told you, you touched somebody.
 * Jimmy: Yep, and I'm gonna touch her again on Friday.

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 * Lily: (bitterly) Yes.
 * Sean: No. Not no "yes", Yes "yes"!
 * Lily': (bitterly) Okay.
 * Sean: No! Not no "okay", Yes "okay"!
 * Lily: OKAY!

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 * Lily: Why don't you just knock me up in high school like my dad did to my mom?!

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 * Claudia: We talked, you know, on the phone, about that thing with Jimmy and your daughter.
 * Adrianna: He stalked her relentlessly for a month.
 * Claudia: He's at that age.

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 * Lily: I guess I'm not as stupid as you thought I was, huh?
 * Brad: I guess not. I mean… I never thought you were stupid, I thought you were pretty… I'll just let myself out.

The Letter(s)

 * Sean: Hey babe, I wrote a letter to the Home Owner's Association. Could you read it and tell me what you think?
 * Claudia: Sure... (Reading letter) "I, Claudia Finnerty, am a lying sack of lying lies... P.S. I am also crazy."

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 * Jimmy: You guys really don't have to do this.
 * Lilly: Okay then, let's throw away this garbage and fire away some cow flesh.

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 * Eddie: (about what to give Lily) You can't go wrong with apparel.
 * Brad: That's what I was thinking. What if I, What if I printed my picture on a sweat shirt?
 * Eddie: I'm talking about nice apparel, a nightgown or underwear.
 * Brad: I could put my picture on some underwear!!

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 * Eddie: Got it. So if you're not smoking pot, why were you laughing at The Teletubbies?
 * Jimmy: (laughing slightly) Oh, Dipsy tripped over Po and landed in the flower garden.

Crazy

 * Jimmy: I don't think so. Brian this is my team now.
 * Brian: I've been gone less than a week.
 * Jimmy: Well (while doing cheer motions)T-O-O B-A-D Too bad!
 * Brian: I invented those moves.
 * Jimmy: Yeah well I made them mine, pal! SO back off!
 * Brian: No way! You'll never have the pep I have.
 * Jimmy: Hey! Talk to the pom-poms!

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 * Claudia: You tricked all those people in to coming to my baby shower, so you could unload your failing bar on a crazy woman?
 * Sean: Yea, I would have tricked your friends too, if they where around.

Hello, Goodbye

 * Claudia: (on phone in hospital bed) Yeah, Mom, she's seven pounds, six ounces. Oh yeah she's very cute. No I can't put her on the phone. First of all because she's one hour old. Second of all the nurses took her for some tests. (Sean walks in) Hey, listen, Sean's back so um tell Dad I love him.
 * Sean: Hey babe.
 * Claudia: Hey!
 * Sean: Hey babe, I brought some balloons for the baby.
 * Claude: Hey great she'll love them.

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 * Mara: Is this seat taken?
 * Walt: No Ma'am!
 * (Laughing, hugging and kissing)
 * Eddie: (to Claudia and Sean) See this kinda thing might have tipped us off.

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 * Claudia: How can our daughter be graduating from High School, huh? We're too young for this. It seems like we just graduated from this place remember?
 * Sean: Oh yeah, I remember. You were pregnant with Lily and you wanted me dead.
 * Claudia: Well you knocked me up for Lily's graduation too. Sort of a poetry to that, don't you think?
 * Sean: Maybe a dirty limerick.

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 * Brad: Wow can you believe this will be the last time we'll be in this hallway?
 * Lily: We have to come back tomorrow to give back our caps and gowns.
 * Brad: No no that's outside the cafeteria. This is going to be the last time we'll be here, in this hallway, outside Annex Two.

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 * Walt: Hey, son, that seat's saved.
 * Eddie: For who?
 * Walt: Somebody asked me to save a seat.
 * Eddie: You're saving a seat for a stranger?
 * Walt: I'm saving a seat for my girlfriend, ok? Wow! The ads in this program are in color!