Guarding Tess

Guarding Tess is a 1994 film about a former First Lady of the U.S. who wants a particular Secret Service agent to head her bodyguard detail, even though he can't stand her.
 * Directed by Hugh Wilson. Written by Hugh Wilson and Peter Torokvei.

A comedy beyond the call of duty.

Doug Chesnic

 * I'm a secret service agent, Mrs. Carlisle, not a caddy. You want that ball? I suggest you go get it yourself.
 * Since you've insisted on me staying, you should know I intend to do my job by the book which means we don't run errands, we don't make snacks and we don't check our guns at the door. Now if you don't like any of this, I suggest you call Washington and get yourself a new man.

Tess Carlisle

 * The President is coming to Somersville. Will you have the cars and the machine guns ready in about an hour?
 * You should get a date, you should have a martini, you should drive with the top down, you should better yet give a tired old widow a break.
 * Do I still have any influence in that evil little town or have they forgotten all about me?

Dialogue

 * Frederick: Just back to pick up your accoutrements?
 * Doug: Speak English Fred.
 * Frederick: Just back to pick up your shit?


 * Sheriff Janson: Uh-huh, well just hold on a minute, I'm gonna...Agent Chesnic, I'm gonna have to put you on the speaker.
 * Doug: Is there someone else in the room?
 * Sheriff Janson: [with others around him] Oh no, no I just want to practice my putting while we're talking! What can I do for you?
 * Doug: Would you please put out an all-points for Mrs. Carlisle's automobile? It's a '92 Lincoln, Ohio plates, kilo-hotel-oscar 362. When last he was seen heading east on the Chester Exit of I-71.
 * Sheriff Janson: Just hold everything! Have I got this right? Have you and the Secret Service boys gone and lost the president's wife again?
 * Doug: I don't believe there's any cause for concern here, she's with her driver, she's perfectly safe, but proper procedure requires us to notify you.
 * Sheriff Janson: Of course it does, uh we'll get on this right now.
 * Doug: [on cell phone] Thank you!
 * Sheriff Janson: Agent Chesnic, uh Mrs. Carlisle is pretty slippery, isn't she? I mean for a senior citizen! Hello?


 * Store Manager: [to Doug] Does she want to be known today?
 * [Doug shakes his head]
 * Store Manager: [to customers and cashiers] Don't know her! Don't know her! Don't know her!


 * Tess: [in the grocery store] It's got no price at all.
 * Bob: Yes ma'am. [over the radio] Uh, Doug, this is Bobby in canned goods, are you anywhere near the manager? I need a price check on Le Sueur baby peas, repeat, Le Sueurbaby peas.
 * Doug: Le Sueur baby peas.
 * Store Manager: They're on special today, two for .59.
 * Doug: They're on special today, two for .59.
 * Bob: Uh, copy that, it's two for .59.
 * Tess: But I only want one.
 * Bob: Uh, roger that, Doug, but she only wants one.
 * Doug: How much for just one?
 * Store Manager: The same. It's a two for one thing.
 * Doug: Uh, Bobby, it's a two for one thing so I suggest you go ahead and get both.
 * Bob: Uh, copy that Doug but I believe we've lost in interest in peas, repeat, lost interest in peas. Canned goods out.


 * Tess: I have some exciting news for you. I have an inoperable brain tumor. [pause] I have bought you and your men a scud missile launcher. [pause] We are going to the opera in Columbus. Which of those do you think is true?
 * Doug: When?


 * Doug: I'll get the chair. [Doug gets the chair, but Earl takes off with Tess; yelling and screaming] HEY! STOP! HEY EARL STOP! [throws the chair on the ground] DAMN! [throws the chair on the ground again and walks to a station for a telephone]
 * Lee Danielson: Office.
 * Doug: Are they back yet?
 * Lee Danielson: Doug?
 * Doug: Yeah, Doug! Are they there?
 * Lee Danielson: Who, Mrs. Carlisle?
 * Doug: Yes.
 * Lee Danielson: No, they're not here! Aren't they with you?
 * Doug: Call everybody in, come get me.
 * [Lee stops at the gas station to get Doug]
 * Doug: Did they get back yet?
 * Lee Danielson: Nope! When did they take off?
 * Doug: 2 and a 1/2 hours ago.
 * Lee Danielson: Jesus.
 * Doug: Who's this? Tom, are they there? All right, call Sheriff Janson and the highway patrol, tell them they're out joyriding again. It's not a problem, but inform them that there's no security with Mrs. Carlisle, thanks. [hangs up cell phone]
 * Lee Danielson: Washington?
 * Doug: No, not yet. We'll give them another hour. Goddamn her for this.


 * Doug: Where is she Earl?
 * Earl: Speak to my lawyer Agent... Agent Dougie.


 * Doug: [Calming the hospital employee who insisted it's hospital policy that patients leave by wheelchair] The regulations aren't really that sacred, are they? And Tess... Get in the god damn chair.
 * Tess: Hmm. Very good, Douglas. You're going to be all right.

Cast

 * Shirley MacLaine — Tess Carlisle
 * Nicolas Cage — Doug Chesnic
 * Austin Pendleton — Earl Fowler
 * Edward Albert — Barry Carlisle
 * James Rebhorn — Howard Schaeffer
 * Richard Griffiths — Frederick
 * John Roselius — Tom Bahlor
 * David Graf — Lee Danielson
 * James Lally — Joe Spector
 * Harry J. Lennix — Kenny Young
 * Susan Blommaert — Kimberly Cannon
 * Dale Dye — Charles Ivy
 * James Handy — Neal Carlo