Hannah Montana (season 2)

The following is a list of quotes from the second season Hannah Montana.

Me and Rico Down by the Schoolyard

 * Lilly: You'll never be able to go to school again! Unless you move to the South Pole, completely cut off from all civilization, and you'll eventually go mad, mad I tell you, MAD!
 * Miley: You put extra sugar in your cereal this morning, didn't you?
 * Lilly: Yes, and now the room is spinning...




 * Miley: Hey, bro!
 * Jackson: Junior, Freshman, no bro, gotta go!




 * Oliver: Take your stinking paws off me, you darned dirty ape!!




 * Lilly: You brought Beary the Bear to school?
 * Miley: Hey! It was a big day, I'm nervous and... he wanted to see the school!
 * Lilly: Well, would you zip him back up, please?
 * Miley: Okay... but not all the way, he's afraid of the dark.




 * Robby: [trying to get Miley up for school] Don't make me get the water bucket!
 * Miley: [suddenly sits up, eyes wide open] You wouldn't!
 * Jackson: [comes in, wet] Oh yes he would!




 * Oliver: [to football player] My mom's a cop! [runs away]




 * Rico: [after kissing Miley on the lips] He shoots! He scores!
 * Miley: He's toast!

Cuffs Will Keep Us Together

 * Miley: Your goin down Phoney Joanie!
 * Lilly: Who smells like week old Baloney
 * Miley: Been in your locker all alone-y!
 * Lilly: Right next to that...that...
 * Miley: Melted ice-cream cone-y!
 * Lilly: Ooh! Girl, you are in the zone-y!
 * Joanie: Yo, Salt-n-Pepa, wanna bet on it?
 * Miley: Does she? How 'bout winning captain gets to give loosing captain a little haircut.
 * [Lilly looks at Miley.]
 * Joanie: You're on!
 * [Lilly turns to Joanie.]
 * Lilly: Or, we could bet a quarter, 'cuz it's just about the fun of competition!
 * Joanie: No, it's really about me kicking your butt again! Yeah!!




 * Miley: What is taking Oliver so long?
 * Lilly: What do you expect, it's Oliver... Now would you stop pacing?
 * Miley: Will you stop sitting?
 * Lilly: NO!
 * Miley: Fine!
 * [cell phone rings]
 * Lilly: Hah- [gasps] MAN!! You owe me an apple!
 * Miley: Would you keep it down, I'm on the phone!

Get Down, Study-udy-udy

 * Miley: Oh, Rico.
 * Rico: Hey, bubble-brain, how's it going?
 * Miley: Aww, smart, funny, and-
 * Lilly: Dead on about that bubble-brain. [Miley glares at her] But just in biology. Other than that, you're sharp as a tick!
 * Miley: That's tack.
 * Lilly: You see?
 * Rico: Good thing you two are pretty.




 * Miley: I mean it's not like she stands up there and says: fibula, tibia, clavical, rib, we call this the humerus and that's no fib!




 * Rico: [to Miley] Don't worry, lollipop. You could always marry money.




 * Miley: What?
 * Rico: That song, those moves, your voice. It all reminds me of some famous singer.
 * Miley: Kelly Clarkson?
 * Lilly: Hilary Duff?
 * Oliver: [snaps fingers] Jay-Z!
 * Rico: I got it! Hannah Montana!
 * [Miley, Lilly, and Oliver exchange looks of panic, then start laughing.]
 * Miley: How about that, you little joker, you're so- [scoffs]
 * Rico: You're right. What was I thinking? This bubble-brain could never pull off something like that!




 * Hannah: [talking to her audience] I know, I can't wait! Swiss chocolate, Italian shoes, and French boys...ooh la la!
 * Robby: [from backstage] Ooh la la? Uh uh uh! That's it! The closest we're gonna get to Paris is Paris, Texas!




 * Ms. Kunkle: Morning, Stewart.
 * Snowball: Stupid bird brain!
 * Ms. Kunkle: Detention, Stewart.

(After Robby and snowball finish singing a version of 'I want my mullet back')
 * Robby: Alright Snowball, we're gonna take 5, and afterwards I'm teaching you 'Wanna Be Your Joe'!
 * Snowball: (makes parrot sound) Robby rocks!!
 * Robby: And don't you forget it!



Miley: MOOYAH!

I Am Hannah, Hear Me Croak

 * [singing to the tune of I Got Nerve]
 * Jackson: You want some toast? I bet you do!
 * Robby: Please add some jam and butter too.
 * Jackson: We're out of grape, so sad! It's all your fault you bad dad!
 * Robby: [stops singing] You know what son?
 * Jackson: Yeah dad?
 * Robby: [singing] You got nerve!




 * Jackson: Thatta girl. [hands Miley a whiteboard; she starts writing something] Now if you need to say anything for the next couple of days, just use that. Hannah Montana has never canceled a concert before and she's not gonna start now. I know that would just break your heart [starts to tear up] and when your heart breaks, baby sis', so does mine!
 * Robby: [reading from whiteboard] You got a hot date for the concert, don't ya "Jerkson"?
 * Jackson: Dad!
 * Robby: She wrote it!
 * Jackson: I can't believe you think I'm that selfish that I'd put my own...
 * Robby: What's her name, son?
 * Jackson: Jenny and she's a total babe! So put a cork in it, Froggy. I got a lot ridin' on this.
 * [Miley starts to hit Jackson with her arm, but Robby stops her]
 * Robby: Ah, ah, ah, use the pad.
 * [Miley nods, gets the marker board, and hits Jackson with it.]
 * Robby: Couldn't have said it better myself.
 * [Miley smiles into space]




 * Oliver: Wow, a week without talking. That’s gotta be hard for a girl. Now us guys, we're different. I don't need to talk. If I couldn't talk for a month, it wouldn't bother me at all, but girls just talk, talk, talk, talk, talk! Hey, Sally! Nice capris. Oh, I like your purse! (Miley shows her marker board to Oliver) Okay, now that’s just rude.
 * Lilly: Miley, I know this is gonna be hard for you, but you gotta stop fighting it. And don't worry, we're gonna be here for you until you get your voice back.
 * Hot Surfer Guy: Hey Lilly, you wanna catch a few?
 * Lilly: Oh yeah! (Looks at Miley) Please, please, please, please? Look! (Miley points to the ocean)




 * Oliver: You know this is nice. Just sittin' here, the sun, the beach, the fresh air. That’s the thing about nature that is just so quiet and peaceful. Not like what you get in the city! Ehh ehh! Whoo whoo whoo! Pull the vehicle over! Pull the vehicle over! (Miley hits herself) I know, drives me crazy, too!

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 * Dex: Hey, Oliver.
 * Oliver: What up, Dex?
 * Dex: Miley, feeling better?(She nods) Great, so maybe if you're not busy Friday night, we could to the movies or something.
 * Oliver: Hey, I got this one for you. (Speaking for Miley) In your dreams! A poindexter! (Tells Miley) We're playing hard to get. (Miley hits Oliver)
 * Oliver: Okay... What she meant was movies shmovies, just plant one on her right now, Big Boy! (Miley hits her again) Ouch! Will you make up your mind? You are giving Dex mixed signals.
 * Dex: Maybe another time.

(Miley kneels and mouths "Dex come back!!!") <hr width="50%"/>


 * Lilly: [in class] The only other thing on here is "I heart Dex" and I'm not gonna say that with him sitting right there... oops!

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 * [after a week of silence Miley's voice returns]
 * Lilly: [as she and Miley hug] Oh, it's so good to hear your voice again!
 * Miley: [angrily] "I heart Dex"?!
 * Lilly: [desperately] The last thing you want to do is overwork it!
 * Miley: "Betty Burg's Address"?!
 * Oliver: Oh man, did you make her look dumb!
 * [Miley turns on Oliver.]
 * Miley: "Just plant one on her right now, big boy"?!
 * Oliver: Oh, like you weren't thinking it!
 * [Miley opens her mouth to angrily correct him, but stops.]

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 * Oliver: [to Jackson/Bucky Kentucky] Dude, dude, dude, dude, you rock!!
 * Lilly: [screaming] I LOVE YOU!!

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 * Lilly: I like your Mom. She's funny.
 * Oliver: [dreamily] She's pretty too...
 * Miley: That's it. You're outta here!
 * [Oliver starts moving toward the door, as if being pulled by an invisible force.]
 * Oliver: Wait! Why am I going? I don't want to go! STOP! This is not fair!

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 * Mom: You see? You were loved long before you were Hannah Montana, and you'll be loved long after Hannah's on one of those "Where Are They Now?" shows.
 * Miley: I think you're confusing me with Dad.

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 * Doctor: Doesn't that make you feel better? It doesn't, does it. I'll stop talking now.
 * Miley: [squeaking] Ya think?

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 * Jackson: Besides, what do you think's gonna happen? Just as the surgery's about to start, a meteor hits a bus. The bus drives into a hot dog stand, a giant neon wiener flies into the power lines, the lights go off in the operating room, and the next thing you know, you're spending the rest of your life singing like Aunt Pearl after she swallowed that kazoo! Remember? [Starts making kazoo noises.]
 * Miley: Oh no. I'm never gonna be Hannah Montana again, all because of a giant wiener! [Runs upstairs.]

You Gotta Not Fight for Your Right to Party

 * Robby: There ya go Lilly. Why don't ya read it to me to see how it sounds.
 * Lilly: "Dear Lilly and Oliver-" Oh boy.
 * Robby: Keep going. It gets better.
 * Lilly: "How dumb do y'all think I am? Love, Robby Ray." ...I like the "love" part.

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 * Robby: Let me tell you a bit about my days in the band.
 * [Miley and Jackson groan.]
 * Jackson: You had a backup singer named celiene dianawiz ...you told her to shorten her last name...
 * Miley: ...and the rest...
 * Jackson: ...is history.
 * Robby: That is a true story. But are we talking about that right now? NO! We're talking about the fact that you two can't learn to get along!
 * Jackson: She spit on my neck!!
 * Miley: I almost wiped my face with his underwear! (crying voice) Daddy I'm gonna live with that for the rest of my life!!

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 * Jackson: Oh no! here comes Dr. Phil-Billy!


 * Jackson: Hi! I'm Miley, now I'm Hannah, now I'm Miley. I'm a real girl, I'm a pop star! Everybody makes mistakes, everybody has those days, except for me because I'm PERFECT! [to Miley] your turn
 * Miley: My pleasure: Girls, cars, nose hair [makes armpit farting noises] Good day, I said good day, Daddy! Whoo. Now I don't know about you, but I feel much much better.

My Best Friend's Boyfriend

 * Miley: This is a big moment for Lilly. And if you had a romantic bone in your body you'd be able to see that!
 * Oliver: Hey, I have eyes. Okay, look.
 * [Lucas says something to Lilly and she laughs.]
 * Oliver: He just said something funny, she laughed. Big whoop!
 * Miley: She's not laughing cause he's funny. She's laughing cause he's cute! [to herself] Boy brains, you might as well scoop em out and store nuts up there.

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 * Lucas: You are so cute.
 * Lilly: You’re cuter!
 * Lucas: No, you’re cuter.
 * Lilly: No, you’re cuter.
 * Miley: Yeah. You’re both adorable. Can you pass the salt?
 * Lucas: I made you a mixed CD. To celebrate the 9 days we’ve spent together.
 * Miley: It’s right there, next to the pepper!
 * Lilly: The soundtrack of our love…
 * Miley: Help me out here, people! I’m chewing on cardboard here!
 * Lucas: You make me so happy Lily Pad!
 * Lilly: Not as happy as you make me, Lukey-Wukey
 * Miley: Oh my God, I think I’m gonna pukey-wukey.

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 * Oliver: I found out I'm an autumn, capri pants are best for my figure, and that true love eventually turns into a warm, comfortable glow. [Miley looks at him weird]

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 * Random old lady: [looks at Oliver] Oh. My. God. It's Natalie Portman! [to Hannah] Be a doll and take our picture.

Take This Job and Love It

 * Robby: So how was your date?
 * Miley: [referring to Roxy] Mine...or hers?

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 * Miley: [referring to Roxy] She put a bell around his arm so every time he tried to make a move it went dingdingdingdingding!
 * Robby: Exactly how many times did this boy "Ding?"
 * Miley: It doesn't matter. Every time he went "ding," she went, "Don't," and I went "Dang!"

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 * Secret Service Agent: "Tomorrow we go to Make-a-Moose. Whee!"

Achey Jakey Heart: Parts 1 & 2

 * Jake: Except for this wig. It's worse than the one I wore in Teen BigFoot. "The only thing bigger than his feet-"
 * Miley and Lilly: [in unison] Was his-
 * Oliver: [suddenly waking up] WAS HIS HEART!

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 * Miley: What kind of relationship will it be if I have to lie to him about half of my life?
 * Robby: Well, you could always tell him the truth.
 * Miley: What?!
 * Robby: Or not. Honey, I know it's a tough decision, but I'm sure you'll make the right one.
 * Miley: No I won't! I'm 14! I'm almost guaranteed to mess this up. You're the adult. You're supposed to tell me what to do!
 * Robby: Now what kind of a father would I be if I just ordered you around all the time?
 * Miley: A normal one? I swear, you are no help at all. [leaves]
 * Robby: Huh. Boy, even when I don't say something, I say something wrong!

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 * Miley: Learn to love his flaws?
 * Oliver: Yeah, like the adorable way he steals water from little girls!

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 * Miley: Thanks for letting me cut in line, sweetie. My boyfriend had his tonsils out, he can barely talk.
 * Jake: Honey, what's taking so long?
 * Miley: (nervously) Did I say tonsils? I meant kidneys!
 * Little Girl: (angrily) My mom has a taser. ZZZTTT!

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 * Miley: RUN!
 * Lilly: Why?
 * Miley: Soccer Mom with a taser!

[Note: Emily Osment, who plays Lilly, has a starring role in the film 'Soccer Mom'] <hr width="50%"/>


 * Jake: (waiting for a order of ice cream in a bout of severe impatience) How do people do this? IT'S AGONY! How long have we been here?
 * Oliver: Well, in one minute, it will be exactly...a minute and a half.

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 * Hannah: You're not dating Hannah, you're dating Miley! You can't get caught cheating on me with me!
 * Jake: Huh?
 * Hannah: Keep up, movie star. Ain't rocket science.

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 * Miley: Lilly why do you read that tabloid trash, it's nothing but lies...
 * Lilly: [reading tabloid] Hannah Montana looks fabulous...
 * Miley: ...with the occasional glimmer of truth.
 * Lilly: You didn't let me finish. [reading tabloid] ...too bad she's really a guy!
 * Miley: You have got to be kidding me!
 * Lilly: I can't believe you didn't tell me! [gasps] You slept over my house! [gasps] You borrowed my bras!
 * Miley: Hey I look good in a mustache. Oh yeah, I would totally date me.
 * Lilly: Me too.
 * [share weird look]
 * Miley and Lilly: [in unison] Awkward!
 * Lilly: Oh oh.
 * Miley: Let me guess, it's another article about Jake Ryan isn't it.
 * Lilly: It says his movie is done and he's back in town for the premiere.
 * Miley: Big whack, I don't need some guy who kisses me knowing that he's about to leave for 6 months and do some stupid movie.
 * Miley: Jake could fall out of the sky wearing a tuxedo and I wouldn't care.
 * [Jake falls from the sky in a parachute and a tuxedo.]
 * Lilly: Um, Miley?
 * Miley: I'm serious. He could come down, giving me a dozen roses and it would make no difference. Zero! Zilch! El zippo!
 * Lilly: What if he got on his knees and begged you to take him back?
 * Miley: Like that's ever gonna happen.
 * [Lilly points to Jake and Miley turns around and sees him.]
 * Jake: Sorry it's only one rose, but I did bring chocolates.
 * [Chocolates fall from the sky into his hand.]
 * Lilly: Not just chocolates. Chocolates from the sky!
 * Miley: Jake, I don't know what to say, so I guess I'll just show you how I feel! (Pours her smoothie on him)
 * Lilly: (Grabs the choulates and walks away) Thank you!

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 * Miley: Thanks! Another basket from Jake. What a surprise!
 * Robby: I agree Mile, you either date this boy Jake, or tell him to send a work-out tape, cuz I'm one muffin away from my easy fit jeans
 * Miley: I got two words for yeh, Will power
 * Robby: I got two words for you, Mini jellys. Mhh I am so weak.
 * Lilly: Look who was waiting in the drive way.(Holding a cardboard cutout of jake) You can almost hear him say: Miley take me back, give me one more chance!
 * Miley: Oh, I'll give you something.
 * Robby: Not the chocolate chip ones, use the bran, nobody eats those.
 * Lilly: Oh my dad does, he calls them nature's broom. Uh, peanut butter balls.
 * Miley: Hello! Guys, this jerk hurt me and he's not gonna win me back with peanut butter balls.
 * Robby: Ok, you're right darling. I'm getting rid of everything. Mhh and I'll start by grilling up these perfect marinade T-bones.
 * Lilly: Medium rare please.
 * Robby: Got it.
 * Lilly: Come on Miley, the poor guy has done just about everything, what else can he do?

(Jake comes in the house dressed in a knight in shineing armor outfit)Yeah Miley, what else can I do.
 * Miley: You're never gonna stop are you.
 * Jake: Miley, You've dumped stuff on me, and you've yelled at me, the one thing you haven't done is tell me that you don't care about me, tell me that and I'll go away.
 * Lilly: No, you can't, he's so and you, I mean, come on.
 * Jake: I know I kissed you then left and I'm sorry, but I never stopped thinking about you.
 * Lilly: Oh he never stopped and now I mean come on. I'll just go help for the steaks.
 * Miley: You do that.
 * Lilly: (Talking to the cardboard cutout of Jake)Come on Jake'rs
 * Miley: Ok, I never stopped thinking about you either.
 * Jake: Then you'll give me another chance?
 * Miley: How about we start with tonight?
 * Jake: Uh, Slight problem, tonight's my movie premiere.
 * Miley: Oh, That's ok, I mean, it's a little more public than I wanted but eh.
 * Jake: no no no no, eh, see the thing is.
 * Miley: You already have a date don't you.
 * Jake: It's not a real date ok, it's with my co-star ok, we just have to pretend that we're dating for the press, you know.. A kiss or too, but it doesn't mean anything.
 * Miley: Nothing you say ever means anything. You're the same jerk you were six months ago, only now, you're a jerk with a headache.
 * Jake: I don't have a... Oh no.
 * Miley: (Hits him with his shield) Oh yes!

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 * Natasha: I'm so hot.
 * Jackson: Yes you are.
 * Natasha: Can I get a bottle of water?
 * Jackson: Yes you are. I mean yes you can.
 * (she gives him 1 dollar)
 * Jackson: Oh sorry, Rico just tripled his price to 3 bucks.
 * Natasha: But that's all I have, and as I said before I am so, so hot.
 * Jackson: Don't go anywhere. (Pours ice down his shirt) Ok, takin care of me now you, you can have the employee discount.
 * Rico: Muahahaha. You're fired.
 * Jackson: What are you talking about?
 * Rico: Nice work Natasha, go buy yourself something pretty.
 * Jackson: (following Natasha) No, wait wait, come back.
 * Rico: You ripped me off.
 * Jackson: Me? You're the one ripping people off. Three bucks for a bottle of water, that's stealing
 * Rico: That's America. You wanna give stuff away, open you own shack, you can call it IHOF International House of Failure.
 * Jackson: Oh, Well maybe I will. but instead I'll call it International House of Reasonably priced water, and fries and stuff.. IHORPWAFAS. Yeah, hear the name and tremble Rico IHORPWAFAS!

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 * Brian Winters I'm Brian Winters and the stars are all up for the premiere of Teen Gladiator and the sword of fire. And here are the Teen Gladiators Jake Ryan and Marrissa Hughes, coming over to talk to me, Brian Winters. So Jake I don't know what's bigger, the buzz about this movie, or the buzz about you two.
 * Jake: Oh well thanks Brian, We're both really exited about this movie aren't we honey?
 * Marrissa: We sure are Jakey.


 * Miley: We sure are Jakey. Look at her draped over him like drapes, cheap cligy drapes. It's disgusting.
 * Robby: It sure is.
 * Miley: How can you guys keep eating that stuff? That's Jake's steak. It's the steak that Jake drove through my heart.
 * Robby: The good news is it cuts like butter.
 * Miley: Dad!!
 * Robby: I'm sorry darlin' but you're better off without him. I mean, if he's gonna choose her over you, he obviously has no taste.
 * Lilly: Except in meat; this filet is fantastic!

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 * Oliver: [referring to Jake] And when you told him you were Hannah he didn't faint? Not once?
 * Miley: Nope, steady as a rock, all man.
 * Oliver: Well, so am I, I just hadn't eaten that day

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 * Jake: I'm a nobody. Like Oliver!
 * Oliver: Brilliant! ...Hey!

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 * Hannah: (trying to make up when the kids are starting to suspect Hannah for being a lier) Superman doesn't tell Lois Lane he's Clark Kent, but, that doesn't mean he doesn't love her.
 * Boy: Superman's a liar? (kids gasp)
 * Hannah: Never mind, he isn't real.
 * Boy: (in shock) Superman isn't real? (kids gasp)
 * Hannah: Wait! Ummm... how many of your parents ever told you you'd grow up to be president? (all kids, including Hannah, raise their hands) There! Now see not all of you are gonna be president. Odds are, none of you will be president! (all kids in room, excluding Hannah, burst into tears) Errr... who wants free CDs? Free CDs, people. C'mon!


 * Jake: Jake Ryan doesn't faint. Leslie, on the other hand, is a little woozy.

(Rapping)
 * Jackson: I'm the man who had the cheese!
 * Oliver: I'm the man who had the jerky!
 * Jackson: We put 'em both together!
 * Oliver: And dude, it really work-y!
 * Both: Cheese Jerky! Say what? [J] Say what? [O] (twice)
 * Oliver: Mozzarella moose, Swiss salmon, Gouda turkey!
 * Jackson: Just one taste, it'll drive you berserk-y!
 * Both: Cheese Jerky! Say what? [J] Say what? [O]
 * Oliver: And it's all freaky-freaky-freaky fresh! (End of rap)
 * Jackson: Sizzlin' Stewart and Smokin' Oken Enterprises, patent pending.

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When You Wish You Were the Star

 * Lilly: I wish for an A on the project. What do you wish for?
 * Miley: Oh man, I wish... I wish there was no secret. I was just Hannah Montana all the time. Sure would make life a whole lot easier.

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 * Hannah: Oh okay, I have an idea. You do all the work and I'll hang out with Jesse. Toodles!
 * Lola: I got a better idea. You give me the Hannah wig and I'll hang out with Jesse. Toodles!
 * Hannah: I don't think he speaks "eeeeep!"

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 * Jesse: Hey babe. [comes in and kisses Hannah on cheek]
 * Jesse: You ready for our picnic on Papoui?
 * Hannah: What in the world is Papoui?
 * Jesse: [smile] The island I bought you.
 * Hannah: AHHH! Oh my gosh! [to Roxy] Jesse McCartney bought me an island. [Gasps] [to Jesse] I'm... I'm sorry Jesse, I can't.
 * Jesse: Why not?
 * Hannah: I'm sort of dealing with something right now, so...
 * Jesse: You're so cute when you're dealing with something right now.
 * Hannah: That's sweet Jesse, but I... I think I need to be alone.
 * Jesse: You're so cute when you need to be alone.
 * Hannah: Jesse?
 * Jesse: You're so cute when you say Jesse.
 * Hannah: Get Out! [pushes him out the door]
 * Jesse: You're so cute when you kick me out.
 * Hannah: I'm serious! [closes door]
 * Jesse: Ow! [gets hit on the nose] Still so cute.

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 * Jesse: I'd sing to you myself but I need these lips for something else.
 * Hannah: Eeeeeep!
 * Jesse: You're so cute when you say "eep!"

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 * Amber: Okay everyone.
 * Lilly: Prepare to be jealous.
 * Ashley: 'Cause we look...
 * Amber, Lilly, and Ashley: [in unison] Fabulous! Oooh, tssss.
 * Hannah: NOOOOOOOOOO!!

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 * Roxy: (at the end of Oliver and Rico's rap at the episode's conclusion, seen wearing a Flavor Flav viking helmet and watch pendant) Peace out! (vanishes)


 * Miley: Does everybody know you have a birthmark shaped like a poodle on your butt?
 * Lilly: [gasps] How did you know that?
 * Miley: Because I'm your best friend and I know somewhere deep down inside of you, our friendship is still there. C'mon look at me. Really, really look at me. C'mon Lilly, don't you know me?
 * Lilly: Oh my gosh!
 * Miley: Yes! I knew you'd be able to see the real me.
 * Lilly: Of course the blond hair is coming out of the wig, you're Hannah Montana! [rips off wig] Look everybody, Hannah Montana's back and she knows what's on my butt! [everybody gasps and stares] I can't believe I just said that out loud!

I Want You to Want Me...to Go to Florida

 * Hannah: It is so great to finally meet you, I really am a huge fan!
 * Mikayla: Yeah, I hate you.
 * Hannah: Thanks, I feel the exact same... What?
 * Mikayla: Your voice is stingy, your music is stupid, your outfits make me want to puke on them, but it looks like someone already did.
 * Hannah: Okay, I don't know what your problem is but...
 * Mikayla: My problem is that I'm ten times better than you, and you're gonna find that out in Florida. Miss Hannah, I'm taking all your fannahs.
 * Hannah: Well, listen here, you one-hit bobblehead! The only thing you're gonna be taking from me is lessons, okay? Lesson number one: This [does a head motion] is how you do the head thing. That's right, I went there!
 * Mikayla: Well, guess where I'm gonna go?
 * Hannah: Down the toilet with the rest of your career? That's right, I went there again, and this time, I bought property.

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 * Miley: I can not wait to get to that concert to show to that two-faced tone-deaf toad who is the boss.
 * Lilly: Yeah, but you have to wear something amazing. Mikayla always looks incredible [Miley gives her a look] ...For a two-faced tone-deaf toad!

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 * Lilly: Ooh what about the thing you bought at the place next to the place that we went there one time?
 * Miley: No, that's too....
 * Lilly: Yeah you are right. Plus, when you wear that you have to...
 * Miley: I know. And I hate those.
 * Lilly: Who doesn't?
 * Miley: What about the one I bought after the one I bought at the place next to the place?
 * Lilly: Ooh! You mean the one that goes with the shoes with the things? I love that one!
 * Robby: Me too!
 * Miley: Daddy do you even know what we are talking about?
 * Robby: No, but as long as it doesn't cost me a wad of cash, I'm all for it.
 * Lilly: Your Dad is...
 * Miley: I know!

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 * Mikayla: (singing) Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do, oh baby, if Cupid had a heart he would make you fall, you'd fall in love with me and you would turn me on. If Cupid had a heart he would end my love. If cupid had a heart, he would shoot an throw an arrow through your soul better aim and go. If Cupid had a heart you'd be mine I know I need you to see, I need you and me.


 * Robby: I'm the dad and I'm not leting you go...
 * Miley: Why are you treating me like such a baby?
 * Robby: Because your acting like one.
 * Miley: But dad...
 * Robby: No Miley ! ...Not another word.
 * Miley: Fine! How about three.... I hate you !
 * Robby: Miley! MILEY RAY !!!!!!!

Everybody Was Best Friend Fighting
Hannah: I'm gonna remember that, Dakota. [falls over]

Song Sung Bad

 * Miley: Congragulations! You're the best singer in school!
 * Lilly: Too bad no one cares!
 * Amber: Ugh! [walks away angrily]
 * Ashley: Yeah! Ugh! [follows Amber]

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Miley: [sees a tarantula in a box] Ugh... There ain't nothing itsy-bitsy about you, big boy.

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Amber: Hey Miley! If you're too chicken to sing, you could do one of your pig calls!
 * Miley: You mean like this? Amber! Ashley! Get in here! [snorting noise]
 * Ashley: That's so weird! The pigs have our names! [Amber gives her a look] ...Oh.

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 * Miley: [singing "I Got Nerve" behind a wall; sees the tarantula on her shoulder] I got...SPIDER!!

<hr width="50%"/>

Me and Mr. Jonas and Mr. Jonas and Mr. Jonas

 * Robby: [doing crossword puzzle] Five-letter word, sixth president of the United States.
 * Hannah: [making a face] UGHHH!
 * Robby: That would work if his name was John Quincy Ughhh.

[NOTE: the answer was John Quincy ADAMS]
 * Hannah: Dad! I need to record now. What is taking so long? Hannah is in the zone!
 * Robby: So what time's that big shoe sale you're meeting Lilly at?
 * Hannah: Three-thirty, and you know all the sixes go first.
 * Robby: No, honey, I'm proud to say I don't know that.
 * Robby: Now what you need to do is just relax. Now whoevere's in there is just runnin' a little late They'll be done in a minute.
 * Hannah: They'll be done sooner than a minute!

(Opens the door)
 * Hannah: Okay, who do you think you are?
 * Hannah: Sweet Momma, it's the Jonas Brothers! [turns to Robby who came in behind her] Daddy, I told you someone was in here. [turns to the boys] I am so sorry guys, he gets so impatient.
 * Robby: [sarcastically] Sorry fellas, I got a big shoe sale to get to.

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Nick Jonas: Dudes, it's Hannah Montana!
 * [All of the Jonas brothers try to get out of the door at the same time, and finally do.]
 * Kevin Jonas: We're such big fans!
 * Joe Jonas: We love your music!
 * Nick: You're pretty!
 * [Kevin slaps him on the back of his head.]
 * Nick: Pretty good with the singing, and dancing that you do. [Hannah gives him a flirtatious smile.] Wow, you're pretty!
 * Kevin: Nice save.

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 * Kevin: I'm Kevin.
 * Hannah: The cute romantic one! [shakes his hand]And you're Joe, the cute funny one! [shakes his hand] You're Nick, the cute sensitive one! [shakes his hand while he stares at her]
 * Robby: And I'm her daddy, the cute protective one!

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 * Joe: You're Robby Ray! He writes all the songs!
 * Kevin: I know! "Nobody's Perfect" is genious!
 * Robby: I like the cute romantic one.
 * Joe: I love how it starts all soft and then, BAM! [singing] Everybody makes mistakes! Everybody has those days!
 * Jonas Brothers: [singing] Everybody knows what, what I'm talkin' bout'. Everybody gets that way!
 * Robby: I was wrong, I like 'em all!

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Lilly: [after Miley's tirade about what happened at the studio during which she continues pulling her hair] You're braiding my hair, not starting a chainsaw.
 * Miley: I'm sorry. It's just that well, they're guys and he's a guy and what if he likes writing for guys more than he likes writing for Hannah?
 * Lilly: Well, then you'd be out of luck and I'll be bald!

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Lilly: Relax. I'm sure he's late because the Jonas Brothers are arguing about his music or changing his lyrics and making him miserable.
 * Robby: [enters] Woooh, I love the Jonas Brothers.
 * Lilly: Wow, I was WAAAAY off.

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Robby: [on the phone] Hello? [pause] No, there's no one here by the name of Gunner. [pause] Sorry, this ain't the Tinkle residence. [pause] Well I don't care what you say I'm NOT Gunner Tinkle! ...Gonna Tinkle, Joe is that you?
 * Joe: We so owned you!
 * Nick: Busted!
 * Kevin: That was sick!
 * Robby: Oh, you boys, LOL!
 * Miley: You know LOL?
 * Robby: [covering the mouthpiece briefly] Yeah, Nick taught it to me!

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Robby: Sorry fellas, got another call. Hello? You're looking for who? Amanda? Amanda Huggenkiss? A Man To Hug And Kiss, Miley I don't have time for this, I'm tryin to work here!
 * Miley: So am I! I'm inspiring you with my humor! Dad listen to this one, so why was six afraid of seven? 'Cause seven ate nine! HAHA, that is hysterical. Hang up and we can write a hit!

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Lilly: And to think you gave him the best 14 years of your life! Years you will never get back!
 * Miley: Exactly! And I'm not going to let Larry, Curly, and Moe-Bro waltz in and steal him away! MY DADDY WRITES FOR ME AND NOBODY ELSE!
 * Lilly: So what are you going to do about it?
 * Miley: I HAVE NO IDEA!

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Miley: Lilly, I found out a way to get my daddy back!
 * Lilly: How?
 * Miley: Okay, the "JoBros" aren't going to record dad's song if he knew it was stolen from another guy band.
 * Lilly: What guy band?
 * [Miley plays with her hair.]
 *  Lilly: Oh, no!
 * Miley: [puts her hair on her upper lip like a mustache] Oh yeah!

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Joe: Eat marshmallow fro bro! [all have marshmallow shooters]
 * Nick: Chew on this sucker!
 * Kevin: Put this in your cocoa!
 * Joe: Hey, let's blast Robbie Ray!
 * Nick: Great idea!
 * Kevin: Guys! Guys! But it's three against one! I like it!

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Milo/Miley: Yo guys, we're workin here!
 * Otis/Lilly: Yeah dudes, be cool! dudes! Yo!
 * Kevin: Uhhh, sorry guys. We got a text from the guy we're working with, told us to be here early, our bad.
 * Milo: No big, we're just workin on our guy band stuff, so if you guys wanna hang till we guys are done, that's cool! Cause you know, we're all...guys!
 * Nick: This is Joe & Kevin.And I'm Nick.
 * Milo: We know who you are, your music ROCKS!
 * Otis: You're so hot!
 * [Miley looks at Lilly with distress.]
 * Milo: ...on the charts! Burnin 'em up! Yeah!
 * Otis: That's right man, dudes, yo!

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Joe: So, what are you guys working on?
 * Milo: New song we just wrote.
 * Otis: Ourselves, we wrote it, Milo and Otis, two guys. FOOTBALL!
 * Milo: They get it! Let's play it for them!
 * Otis: Coolio! MONSTER TRUCKS!
 * [They play We Got the Party With Us really badly.]
 * Joe: That's our song! Isn't it?
 * Kevin: I can't hear you, my ears are full of melted brain!
 * Nick: I kinda liked it. [both hit him]

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 * Joe: Sorry guys, it's your song. Are we cool?
 * Milo: We're cool. [extends her fist and Joe hits it hard]
 * Nick: No hard feelings?
 * Otis: Nothing that a hug couldn't fix.
 * [Nick gives Otis a man hug but Otis hugs him back for a long time.]
 * Milo: Otis...Otis!!
 * [Jonas Brothers leave the room.]
 * Nick: That dude smells really good. [Joe hits him at the back of his neck]

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Robby: [to Miley] Oh darling, let me tell you something. You know I can write a hundred songs for those boys, but there is one thing I can't do, that's put my arm around them and say they're my little girl. Well, I could but it would be extremely weird!

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Miley/Hannah: Where are they?
 * Robby: I don't know. They promised they were gonna be here.
 * [sees the Jonas Brothers]
 * Joe: And we always keep our promises!
 * Miley: Duck and cover Daddy, it's the return of the Jonii.

Don't Stop Til You Get the Phone

 * Lola: Man I wish I had the O-phone instead of this stupid slim flip. Oh, look at me I'm slim and I flip, I'm slim and I flip, I'm slim and I flip. [breaks phone] Aw man.

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Traci: So, what's your Z-code so we can Z-text and Z-chat?


 * Hannah: Oh, mine's still in "Z-box."


 * Lola: [quietly] Yeah, in "Z-store."

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Miley: I can't believe this. I made myself look like a total idiot all because of that phone.


 * Lilly: Look! I'm on the front page! Don't I look so cute when I'm scared?


 * Miley: If you don't get over yourself in about 3 seconds you're going to look absolutely adorable.

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Lilly: I don't know. This one is pretty goofy. I mean you have your hair in curlers and eyes bugging out and your "Miley" necklace flopping all over the place.


 * Miley: Future sleaze-journalist say what?

<hr width="50%"/>


 * The Rock: [to photographer who'd been planning to throw a Strawberry Cream Pie in his face] Are you sure?


 * [The stunned photographer looks from the Rock to the pie then hits himself in the face with it.]


 * The Rock: Good choice.

<hr width="50%"/>


 * The Rock: So all this happened because you wanted a Z-Phone?


 * Miley: Ya, I guess I just caught up in having the next new thing.


 * The Rock: Y'know Miley, there's always going to be something new around the corner.


 * Lilly: Hey that's what my Mom says! [Rock glares at her] Not that you remind me of my Mom, except for the nails 'cause these are her nails.

<hr width="50%">


 * Miley: [to out of shot editor] Thanks for finally giving me my picture back. [Camera zooms out to reveal The Rock is holding the editor upside down by his ankle]


 * Editor: Well, after I thought about it, kinda figured it was the right thing to do.


 * The Rock: Good choice.

That's What Friends Are For?

 * Miley: [to Jackson] My life is complicated enough. The last thing I need in my life right now is more drama.


 * Jake: Hi, Miley.


 * Miley: [staring at Jake] Hellooooo, drama!

-
 * Mikayla: I still hate you.


 * Hannah: Hate makes you ugly. Oops, too late!

-
 * Hannah: [on the phone] Hey, what's up, it's Hannah Montana, what would you like to give?


 * Mikayla: Singing lessons. I just heard your new single. Ouch!


 * Hannah: Well, I heard yours and I thought it was fantastic!


 * Mikayla: [in disbelief] Really?


 * Hannah: Yeah, my brother ate some bad catfish, so we played it for him to induce vomiting. It was like BAM! Instant puke!
 * Mikayla: Has been.


 * Hannah: Never was.


 * Mikayla: Bottle-blonde.


 * Hannah: Lip-syncher.


 * Mikayla: Bra stuffer.


 * Hannah: [gasps] I hate you.


 * Mikalya: Like I care.

-
 * Miley: [closing the door] Hi.


 * Jake: You look great.
 * Miley: Oh, boy!


 * Jake: Listen, Miley, I…


 * Miley: I know I know. You haven't been able to forget about me. Your life feels empty without me. You see my face everywhere you look and you come back to say…


 * Jake: I just wanna be friends.
 * Miley: Big blonde sack o' drama say what?

-
 * Miley: So you are really into him?


 * Mikayla: Are you kidding? I am already working on our celebrity couple names. Right now, it's between Jikayla and Mikake.


 * Miley: Too bad you're not old enough for Donald Trump. Then you could've been Old Mik-donald!

-
 * Robbie Ray: Here's your lunch, boy.
 * Jackson: Come on, Dad, this is stupid. Can I come back in the house?
 * Robbie Ray: No way. You smell worse than that week old sardine Uncle Earl found in his fat fold when he was looking for the remote.

-
 * Jake: Oh! Hey guys. Thanks for coming by.


 * Miley: No problem. We just wanted to wish you luck on your first day on filming because you know that is what friends do. That they are there for each other, they support each other…so where is Mikayla?


 * Jake: Umm, in makeup. Why?


 * Lilly: Oh, we just wanted to wish her luck. It's not that we are going to get her fired or anything.


 * Miley: You stink under pressure!


 * Lilly: Then stop putting me under pressure!

Lilly's Mom Has Got It Going On

 * Oliver: You got an army?
 * Sarah: No..
 * Oliver: Good luck.

-
 * Lilly: Why are we a great "juoy?"
 * Miley: [in a bad Scottish accent] I don't know. Keep writin'!

-
 * Oliver: I'll take the fish if it gets me an A.

-
 * Sarah: Who needs an army when you got an arm!

-
 * Miley: I don't expect you to know that because you are from Lilly-tiny-brainia!
 * Lilly: Well, at least MY country doesn't sound like a cure for diarrhea!!

-
 * [Everyone is slapping each other with fish.]
 * Mr. Corelli: Guys, I was going to return those!

-
 * Jackson: Dad, next time you host a PTA meeting do it out in the hot tub so I can see Lilly's mom in ... [sees Lilly's Mom] ... the kitchen. Hi Ms. T. [to Robby] Warn a guy!

-
 * Mr. Corelli: People of Earth. People of Earth. People of Earth. Don't be alarmed. It's Mr. Corelli! Just want to give you guys a gentle reminder that International Relations Week starts on Monday, so be prepared!
 * Mr. Corelli's Mom: [offscreen] Francis, do you want one fish stick or two!?
 * Mr. Corelli: [to offscreen mother] Not now, Mom! I'm on the computer! [to screen] Mr. Corelli over and out! [back to his mother] Four and don't hog the tartar sauce!
 * Lilly: This explains so much.

-
 * Rico: Not just sand. This is Costa Rrrrrrrican sand. Finest in the world. Feel it, smell it, unload it.

-
 * Robby: Yee, doggies! It feels great to be puffy again!
 * Miley: Yeah, yeah. You're a regular Puff Daddy!

-
 * Lilly's Mom: [listing Robby's interests] Car racing, Lynard Skynyrd, and those Japanese game shows where people fall off logs.

-
 * Oliver: Lily, Tell your mom to wear the dress she wore to my parent's Christmas Party. She looked so ho...lidayish. Holidayish. Very festive.

-

I Will Always Loathe You

 * Dolly: Now Ruthie. If you're going to be mean, talk to the booty cause the hand's off duty!
 * Ruthie: Well I would love to, but that booty has been nipped and tucked so many times I just can't hardly find it!
 * (note: in reference to Dolly Parton's 'Nip, tuck and suck' comment.)

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Lilly: So this whole feud started over a boy?
 * Miley: Yep, it was high school. Mamaw was having a summer romance and then Aunt Dolly bounced in and, well that was pretty much all she had to do. Mamaw never forgave Dolly for stealing the love of her life, Mr. Elvis Presley.
 * Lilly: NO!
 * Miley: YES!
 * Lilly: NO!
 * Miley: YES!
 * Lilly: NO!
 * Jackson: (laying on the couch) YES! Elvis, Elvis with the pelvis and the hair and the hunk-a-hunk of burning love! Guys, please! I haven't slept all night and my back is killing me! So for the love of everything good in this forsaken universe, ZIP IT!
 * Mamaw: Jackson you lazybones! Get your rump out of bed! (flips Jackson onto the floor)
 * Jackson: What do you know! Floor is more comfortable than the couch (has a rest on the floor)

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Lilly: Your family is better than cable!

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Rico: (banging on the counter) Stupid, stupid, stupid!
 * Oliver: No, you're not stupid. You just can't act.

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Oliver: Face it Rico, we need a better Rico. (they both look at the kids who come to audition for the part)
 * Kids: (altogether) Hey oh hey oh!

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Lilly: Jackson! I leave the room for two minutes and you turn on wrestling. Flip back to the award show.
 * Jackson: ...This is the award show.

The Way We Almost Weren't

 * Hannah: [to the crowd] Thank you, thank you. [to Robby] Where are we?
 * Robby: Albuquerque.
 * Hannah: [to the crowd] Albuquerque. My favorite city in my favorite state...
 * Jackson: [sneaking up on Miley] Guam.
 * Hannah: [to the crowd] Guam!
 * Crowd: Huh?

-
 * [Miley receives a phone call from Lilly and sits down at the bar.]
 * Miley: Hey, Lilly. Yeah, we just finished the concert in Albuquerque. Yes, in New Mexico. Where else could it be? ''[looks at Jackson angrily:] Guam?
 * [Jackson nods happily, eating his Jello.]

-
 * Miley: [to Robby] I know where you can see the world's biggest pile of dirty socks... Jackson's Room! Let's drive.
 * Jackson: And if you're good I'll let you ride down the underwear mountain.
 * Miley and Jackson: [in unison] WOOOOSH!

-
 * Robby: [to Jackson and Miley] Relax. We won't be here more than a half hour tops.
 * Jackson: [looking at old lady walking slowly over to the diner table] Dad, it's gonna take her a half hour just to get here!
 * Miley: Umm, excuse me. We're ready to order.
 * Old Waitress: Oooh! Forgot my pencil. Back in a jiff.
 * Miley: UGHHH!

-
 * Robby: MMHH...you just can't find an old-fashioned hamburger like this out on the main highway. Makes you wanna savor every bite.
 * Miley: [quickly eating the crumbs off her plate] Ya, sure. Eating, savoring... Done. Let's go.
 * Robby: Oh come on Miley, slow down. Even your brother's getting into the spirit of this place.
 * Jackson: [finishing a maze on a piece of paper] WOOHOO!! Prospector Pete found his way through the maze to the gold! [puts the paper down on a big pile of more paper] AGAIN!

-
 * Lilly: Hey, Oliver! Here's your ticket for Maroon 5. [seriously] Where's my 50 bucks?

-
 * Lilly: [after getting stuck to a chair with monster glue] Come here.
 * Oliver: No.
 * Lilly: Come here. No. I'm not gonna hurt you.
 * Oliver: That's what you always say before you hurt me!
 * Lilly: Get over here!!

-
 * Jackson: [looking at his mom when she was in college] Wow, wow. Look at her.
 * Miley: I know. She's beautiful.
 * Jackson: Our mom was totally hot!
 * Miley: [looks at her dad when he was in college] And our dad was totally not.

-
 * Lilly: Did I mention I hate you?
 * Oliver: Thirty-seven times.
 * Lilly: If you make me miss that Maroon 5 concert I swear...
 * Oliver: You're not gonna miss it! Miley said she would be back... she'll probably be home any minute.
 * Miley: [on the answering machine] Lilly, are you there watering the plants? I tried your cell phone a bunch of times. Hey, I'm sorry but I'm not gonna make the concert. We decided to make a few stops along the way. I got a picture of the world's largest rubber band ball. That sucker is HUGE! Have a great time at the concert! Bye!
 * Lilly: [still stuck to the chair laying on the floor] I hate you.
 * Oliver: Thirty-eight.

-
 * Miley: Excuse me, Miss. I'm taking a little survey. If you had a daughter, what would you name her?
 * Susan: Miley.
 * Miley: Thank you.

-
 * Miley: [while catching her breath] Dad's not going anywhere for a while.
 * Jackson: How do you know?
 * Miley: While he was on the pay phone... [brings a gadget out] I pulled this out of his car. I don't know what it is, but...
 * Robbie Ray: Somebody stole my distributor cap!
 * Miley: But I'm guessing it's a distributor cap.

-
 * Miley: I was right. There is no brain in there.

-
 * Robby: I just wish you two would disappear!
 * Miley: Oh, honey, trust me, we're gettin' there.

-
 * Robbie Ray: Don't hurt my heart, my itchy twitchy heart, no...herky jerky? No...
 * Jackson: You might wanna try 'Achy breaky'!

-

Bye Bye Ball

 * Jackson: [in German interrogator-like voice] You vill tell me vhat I vant to know! The choice is vether you vill tell me before ze pain, or AFTER! Now vere is ze ball?!
 * Oliver: Uh- wh- what ball? [gives Lily a thumbs up]
 * Jackson: [in a whiny voice] The Joey Vitolo my dad gave me for my 13th birthday! [switches back to his prior voice] Zat ball!
 * Lilly: [lying] I don't know what you're talking about!
 * Jackson: Fine. Perhaps a trip to ze closet vill jog your memory.
 * Lilly: [in tough voice] You'll never to get me to squeal!
 * Jackson: Your right, you're strong but he is weak! [grabs Oliver]
 * Lilly: Oliver, don't let him break you!
 * Oliver: It's okay, it's just a closet—[sees closet] WHAT IS THAT?! [Jackson pushes him inside] Hu...help me... [Jackson pulls open closet] She's at... Vitolo's. [faints]

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Angela: [singing] You get the limo out front. Oh wah oh. Hottest styles, every shoe, every color.
 * Miley: Yeah. We get it.
 * Joey: Hey. You don't have to listen to that 50 times a day.
 * Lilly & Oliver: [in unison] Wanna bet?

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Jackson: There was a wasp!
 * Robby: [grabs remains of Beary and begins to swing it around the air] Where!?
 * Miley: Daddy!!

(We're So Sorry) Uncle Earl

 * (While Jackson is flipping TV channels, we hear the opening bass beat of The Best of Both Worlds)
 * Jackson: (groans) When is this not on!?

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Barney Bitman: (reviewing Mikela; mockingly of her song "If Cupid Had A Heart) If Cupid had a heart... give me a break! If Mikela had a heart, she'd stop singing!

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Robby Ray: Come on Earl, not the puppy dog face! That worked when we were kids. (Then he gives in.) Come on Mile, just one song.
 * Miley: [sarcastically] Thank you, oh Man of Steel.
 * Robby Ray: I tried, Bud.

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Miley (as Hannah Montana): (Seeing Uncle Earl dancing beside her as the band practices) Uncle Earl, what are you doin'?
 * Uncle Earl: Watching your rockstar moves!

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Uncle Earl: (chanting) I'm gonna be a rockstar, I'm gonna be a rockstar...!
 * Miley: He's doing a jig with a pig!

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Miley: You caved, didn't you?
 * Robby Ray: Earl's got a good puppy dog face.
 * Miley: (Making a puppy dog face) I've got a puppy dog face too.
 * Robby Ray: You're right... but Earl's got you beat.

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Jackson: (as Ozzy Osbourne) Sharon's making guaca... giguaca....avocados all mashed together. It's very good.

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Miley (Hannah), Lilly (Lola), Oliver (Mike): (praying) Jackson's plan is gonna work, Jackson's plan is gonna work...
 * Jackson: Great news! My plan worked!
 * Miley (Hannah): You're lying.
 * Jackson: How did you know?
 * Miley (Hannah): Your lips are moving!

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Uncle Earl: What was I thinking, tryin' to be a rock star? I was born a loser, I'm always gonna be a loser, I'm the most embarrassing dang doofus in this whole family—worse than Unlucky Bucky or Wacky Wilbur, or even Jackson!
 * Jackson: (dressed as Ozzy Osbourne) Hey!!!
 * Uncle Earl: Good grief, boy, look what you're wearin'!!
 * <hr width="50%"/>


 * Uncle Earl: You don't want me to play with you, do you?

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Miley (Hannah): C'mon! I need my funky unky on stage!

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Uncle Earl: I've realized something very, very important.
 * Miley: What's that?
 * Uncle Earl: I can't get up.

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Miley: I like the whole…flaming head thing you got going on. It's just, do you think you could tone it down a notch?
 * Robby Ray: Or more…a lot. Whatever you're comfortable with…a lot would be good.
 * Uncle Earl: Sorry, it's just hard to take it down on the greatest night of my life! I mean, look at me! I'm so excited I'm sweating my flames off!
 * Robby Ray: Well, then let's go get you a towel. And maybe a big hat. Whatever you're comfortable with. A big hat would be good.

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Oliver: Yeah, Miley, you're way better than a salty loogie.

You Didn't Say It Was Your Birthday

 * Balloon Man: Happy Birthday Bobby!
 * Jackson: It's Robby.
 * Balloon Man: Happy Birthday Robby!

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Miley: Why aren't there any eggs on my fork?

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Miley: Wow. He really is upset.
 * Miley and Jackson: [in unison] What did you do? Me?!  Yes you.  Stop that!


 * Jackson: It was probably your phone bill.
 * Miley: Was not!.... Well, it's possible.

[Oliver and Lilly are fighting over a bag of chips]
 * Oliver: I paid for half of those!!
 * Lilly: You see? This is why you don't get dates. I'm a girl! Be nice!
 * Oliver: And this is why you don't get dates. You eat like a pig!
 * Lilly: [gasps and splutters] You take that back!!

Hannah in the Street With Diamonds

 * Hannah: Now would you please, just give me my diamond back?
 * Pancake Buffalo: Well, when you say it that way...NO!
 * Hannah: (in shock) But that's not fair!!
 * Pancake Buffalo: If you want to switch diamonds, go talk to that Garison bozo. Oh, wait a minute, he loooooooove's meeee.
 * Hannah:  (gritting her teeth in fury) Okay, listen here you glorified oven mitt!
 * Pancake Buffalo: (mockingly) Hey, Hannah! Want to know the weather report for Montana? Chilly, with a 100 percent chance of spit showers! [laughs]

[Hannah laughs at this too, and then starts to strangle the puppet]

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Hannah: The Hollywood Committee said it's two past Madonna. So, Madonna...Brad Pitt...[suddenly notices a chili mess on the next diamond]—Yow!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Oliver: [referring to the guard's surprise at discovering he was "Officer Nancy Oken"] My father named me that. His name was Harriet!  You got a problem with that?
 * Guard: No! Not if...you don't?
 * Oliver: Just get the permit, sir.

Yet Another Side of Me

 * Isis: That look is so Hannah Montana!
 * Hannah: That's because I am Hannah Montana… I mean, you didn't think I was someone else, did you?

-
 * Lilly: [suggesting a new look for Hannah] How 'bout you try something more retro, you know, like Techno-Hannah.
 * Miley: Techno-Hannah? [thinks of how a Techno-Hannah would turn out, cut to scene of Hannah in a Devo-like outfit holding hedge clippers]
 * Hannah: Clip it, clip it! [clips hedge] Clip it real good. [flashes to Techno-Hannah playing golf] Then chip it, chip it, like Tiger Woods. [accidently hurls golf club off of scoring area and the sound of breaking glass is heard] Yikes.
 * Miley: No. That one could hurt people.

-
 * Jackson: I'm just barking my way to the bank! Hey, maybe next week, I can moooo for moolah.
 * Rico: Let's just see where barking takes us.

-
 * Customer: [to Jackson's bark] You calling my girlfriend a dog?!
 * Jackson: Woof.
 * Customer: That does it! You're dog-meat!
 * Jackson: [frightened] Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Wooof? Yauuuuugggghhhh! [jumps off a boardwalk plank into the sand below and the customer pile-drives after him off the same plank, and presumebly beats Jackson up. Hold on, he actually did that!]

-
 * Rico: [to Jackson of why Rico has no friends] I think it's because the world is full of idiots! My mom says it's my temper. [muttering] Idiot.

-

The Test of My Love

 * Maid: [to Robby Ray about Jackson] A little messy?! I'd say he lived like a pig, but then that would be an insult to pigs! [slams down mop] I quit!

-
 * Traci: Your friend Lola is ruining my Putt Putt for Puppies Party!!

-
 * Lola: [to Orlando Bloom off screen] Hey Orlando, nice butt! [recognizes what she just said] I mean, putt, nice putt!

-
 * Lola: (to Orlando Bloom, as he tries to flee from Lola) You can't hide from destiny!

-

Joannie B. Goode

 * Lilly: Is it because of your yearbook picture?
 * Miley: No I'm listening to... What's wrong with my yearbook picture?
 * Lilly: Nothing! It's a sweet smile that says, "I'm friendly and I like spinach!"
 * Miley: This is what I get for eatin' healthy.

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 * Joannie: Yeah. I saw your yearbook picture too Stewart. So sad! That lovely piece of spinach surronded by all that ugly.
 * Lilly: Well I saw your year book picture too, Joannie. Looks just like you. Sorry!

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 * Oliver: Here's your poetry book! (he falls in love with Joannie)
 * Miley and Lilly: NOOOOO!

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 * Lily: Girl who always says say what say what?


 * Miley: Girl who says I say what say what?


 * Miley: Except on Wednesdays when you have piano.
 * Lilly: Except on Wednesdays but on any other day!

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 * Rico: So Jackson, I see you have met my cousin!

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 * Lilly: ''[Talking to her snake] Come on Wiggly, you don't wanna meet her anyway.

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