Harley Quinn (TV series)/Season 1


 * Season 1 2 3 Special 4 Main

Harley Quinn is an American adult animated web television series based on the Harley Quinn character created by Paul Dini and Bruce Timm.

Til Death Do Us Part [1.01]

 * Man: [Gentlemen]! My fellow whites. Let's raise a glass to this pyramid of money, the foundation of which was built upon our favorite pastime: Fucking the poor!


 * Harley Quinn: [Excitedly] Is this the good kinda acid that gives you superpowers?!
 * The Riddler: No!
 * Harley Quinn: Awwww...


 * Poison Ivy: Just stopped by to check up on ya, but I see you're doin' great, love the new look, I'm gonna pick up some Thai food, text me what you want, okay?
 * Harley Quinn: Oh, no, wait! I'll have a green potato curry.
 * Poison Ivy: Yeah, but I mean-I just-just text it to me.
 * Harley Quinn: But you're right here.
 * Poison Ivy: Yeah, but then I'm not going to remember what you want, and you won't like what I get you, and you're gonna want some of mine. Just-just fuckin' text it.

A High Bar [1.02]

 * The Joker: I need a permit for a trap door? The whole point is no one is supposed to know about it! Especially the city.


 * Harley Quinn: I know it's you Scarecrow,Two-Face,other half of Two-Face,Bane.
 * [Two-Face and Scarecrow laughs at Harley's imitation of Bane]
 * Bane: [Annoyedly] I'm going to blow up this Bar Mitzvah!

So You Need a Crew? [1.03]

 * Harley Quinn: I need a fucking crew!'''
 * Poison Ivy: No, you need a shower.


 * Dr. Psycho: [Fighting Wonder Woman] OW! That really hurt, you cunt!
 * [everything, including the Earth itself, comes to a shocked standstill]
 * Poison Ivy: [Watching the fight on TV] Holy shit!


 * Harley Quinn: [To Maxie Zeus] Ah, Got it. So you're just a creepy dick, I'm not fucking you.


 * Clayface: The name is Clayface, thespian extraordinaire recently portraying the juicy role of country boy bartending in the big city!
 * Dr. Psycho: I thought you were playing the role of literal piece of shit.
 * Clayface: Not yet. [Transforms into Doctor Psycho] NOW I'm a literal piece of shit!


 * Dr. Psycho: So who do you need me to mind-control to open the door?
 * Harley Quinn: No, no. No one. Just squeeze into the crawlspace, get into the house, and open it from the inside.
 * Dr. Psycho: Are you shitting me? I'm a genius telepath! Why're you wasting me on THIS?
 * Harley Quinn: You're the only thing small enough to fit!
 * Dr. Psycho: Got it. Sonofabitch!


 * Harley Quinn: Then they all ran off with that loser Kite Man!
 * Poison Ivy: Yeah, what a loser that guy is. Did he mention my name?


 * Poison Ivy: Holy fucking shit, Harls. You did it. I would not have seen that coming.

Finding Mr. Right [1.04]

 * Superman: Is she mad about the paywall too? $7.99 is an ambitious price point, and it doesn't include the crossword, which is ridic.


 * Poison Ivy: Harley! You can't kill him.
 * Harley Quinn: You don't think I can kill a 12 year old?! Oh, okay. Well, I will smash in his face with a bat like a WATERMELON!


 * Lois Lane: I don't retract articles and I definitely not writing a puff piece about... what was your headline?


 * Joshua Cobblepot: Kill him, Ivy!


 * The Joker: Harley! What the fuck do you think you're doing? Are you trying to steal my Batman?


 * Harley Quinn: Robin's lying. Why would I fight a kid? I want a nemesis with some hair on their chest!
 * Poison Ivy: [Snorts in amusement] Well, that rules out Batman. Catwoman says he waxes everything.


 * Dr. Psycho: Last week I was in the fucking Legion of Doom and now THIS is my life!


 * Poison Ivy: You can't fuck with Lois Lane, people.

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 * Batman: I'm gonna say something embarrassing here. I didn't have a nemesis until... my late twenties.
 * Robin: Don't patronize me, father, it's unbecoming.
 * Batman: It's true. I wasn't ready for one. You want your first nemesis to be special. Someone that you can see being your nemesis for the rest of your life.
 * Robin: I suppose you're right, father... When can I start having sex?
 * Batman: I... think I hear the bat-signal. [Grapples the hooks away]

Being Harley Quinn [1.05]

 * Harley Quinn: Hey, Ive, I think there's something really screwed up about me.
 * Poison Ivy: I wanna say this in just the most loving way, but there's NO way that this is just occurring to you now.

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 * King Shark: Sorry you didn't get that mack-in-a you were talkin' about—but at least that guy showed up outta nowhere to save us for no reason!

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 * Dr. Psycho: Now everyone hold hands and squeeze your butt cheeks together.

You're a Damn Good Cop, Jim Gordon [1.06]

 * Giganta: You think I care about you or your jolly green whore?
 * Poison Ivy: Okay, I'm standing right here.
 * Giganta: I don't have time to give some review. I'm too busy getting cunnilingus from my new boyfriend Brad, who's amazing at it!
 * Dr. Psycho: [Scoffs] Only weak men do that. [Brad uses his tongue to sculpt a statue from ice cream] Oh, fucking hell!
 * Poison Ivy: [Impressed] Call me.

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 * Poison Ivy: Quick side bar. How did this [i.e. being married to Giganta] work...sexually?
 * Dr. Psycho: Not great!

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 * Dr. Psycho: [Rides an invisible motorcycle from a skyscraper] I am a golden god!

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 * Poison Ivy: I don't understand your obsession with the Legion of Doom. They are actual pieces of shit.
 * Harley Quinn: Obviously! But those pieces of shit were the only people Joker respected. I'll never match up to him unless I'm in the Legion too.
 * Poison Ivy: So let me get this straight: you're not over your ex, and you want to throw your success in his face.
 * Harley Quinn: Exactly!
 * Poison Ivy: Honestly, that might be the most relatable thing you've ever said.

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 * Harley Quinn: [Looking around Batman's Batcave as she dangles from the ceiling] So this must be where you fuck the bats.

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 * Dr. Psycho: [To Harley] Can you please fire me now so I can get some unemployment?

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 * Harley Quinn: We're gonna rob Bruce Wayne!

The Line [1.07]

 * Poison Ivy: First of all, I care about the environment. Okay, I don't know what about that makes me a bad guy.
 * Harley Quinn: Yeah, says the girl who dissolved the head of Ace Chemicals in a bath of his own herbicide.
 * Poison Ivy: Best Earth Day ever.

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 * Queen of Fables: You know, no one ever talks about it, but it's almost impossible to get brain out of a cape.

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 * Queen of Fables: You fucked up, Harley.
 * Harley Quinn: You know, I do a lot of that, so you're going to have to be more specific.

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 * Jason Praxis: My cousin twice removed... completely removed.

L.O.D.R.S.V.P. [1.08]

 * King Shark: You're not my Dad!
 * Aquaman: That is contrary to what she said.

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 * [Aquaman breaks a fish tank in a fight, causing the fish to splash all over the floor]
 * Bane: Look! I am stomping on your fish!
 * Aquaman: Bane, stop it!
 * [Aquaman picks up as much sealife as he can]
 * Harley Quinn: Hey, there's a YMCA pool down the street!
 * Aquaman: Oh, yeah, yeah! "Just throw saltwater fish into a chlorinated pool! Water's water, I guess!" Come on! What are you, four?

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 * Poison Ivy: Hey, buddy, now that you're done kissing your own asshole...
 * Lex Luthor: That's not a phrase.

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 * Harley Quinn: So you got a fish tank and you do improv?
 * Poison Ivy: Wow, you're my shitty college boyfriend.

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 * Poison Ivy: Is that what it stands for? I thought it was Legion of Dildos.
 * Lex Luthor: That is a sex shop down the street with whom we're currently in a protracted legal battle.

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 * Poison Ivy: Did someone call for... kelp?

A Seat at the Table [1.09]

 * Bane: I wish they would make a sequel to Up.
 * Lex Luthor: No, they can’t! The story ended with the first movie.
 * Scarecrow: Unless... the kid is the old man in the sequel.
 * Bane: Oh, that’s fun! That’s a good one!

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 * Harley Quinn: When my mind is set, it is set. Hell, they blew out three electricshock machines at Arkham trying to get through to me.

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 * The Joker: You know, everyone remembers me for the big crimes. The murders, the cripplings. But it's the little ones that keep me going.

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 * King Shark: Instead of a boy, it's a fish, and instead of a wolf...
 * Harley Quinn: It's an orca.
 * King Shark: No! It's a wolf named Orca. But it can swim, which is terrifying!

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 * Clayface: What did you say to Black Manta to elicit such rage?
 * Dr. Psycho: Nothing racist...

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 * Bane: What is taking your shark friend so long to plant the bomb?
 * Dr. Psycho: Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's because he's a shark and not a demolitions expert!

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 * Poison Ivy: You're in a pot, Frank. I'd have to carry you.
 * Frank the Plant: So what? I carry you emotionally.

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 * Clayface: They put us in the goon pool.
 * Harley Quinn: Ooh, that sounds fun.
 * Dr. Psycho: Fun? It's not the fun kind of pool!

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 * Bane: Is your card... the three of clubs?
 * Harley Quinn: No.
 * Bane: Fuck.

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 * Harley Quinn: I know you were just trying to protect me and, listen, I'm gonna do the same thing for you. Okay, just cause I'm a card carrying member of the Legion of Doom now...
 * Poison Ivy: Fuck that place in the ass!

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 * [Saving Harley Quinn from falling after the Joker tossed her out from his helicopter]
 * Batman: [Sympathetically] Some things never change, Quinn.

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 * Lex Luthor: This is where we get approval for the use of Legion resources like goons and getaway cars...
 * Bane: And 'splosions!
 * Lex Luthor: I have no idea what the fuck "'splosions" are, Bane! But we do have EXPLOSIVES.

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 * Bane: The streets will run with razzy zazzy!

Bensonhust [1.10]

 * Harley Quinn: How much of this am I hallucinating?
 * Dr. Harleen Quinzel: Just me. Weirdly, the passed-out guy with the boner and the talking plant driving a car are both real.

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 * Bane: The credit card is for emergencies only, but your bill is all candies and vape pens and something suspiciously labelled "dolphin encounter"! When you put out a hit, you pay in cash!
 * Joshua Cobblepot: Okay, fine, I'll cancel it!
 * Bane: Already done, because I am this credit card's reckoning! I am cutting this card, and I am cutting it in half— [tries cutting the card in half with childproof scissors] ...These blades are dull. I will bend it!
 * Joshua Cobblepot: Don't do that!
 * Bane: Too late! Do you think I want to be "Credit Card Paying Man"? I have dreams, too!

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 * Bane: You could blow them up.
 * Harley Quinn: Ehh, not really my thing.
 * Bane: I could blow them up.

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 * Frank the Plant: People shit on the WNBA, but I'm a purist. Get those dunks the fuck out my face. Gimme a nice crisp bounce pass. That's my shit. I'm all about the fundamentals.

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 * Harley Quinn: He broke every promise he ever made!
 * Sharon Quinzel: And he apologized for that and made a whole bunch of new ones.

Harley Quinn Highway [1.11]

 * Scarecrow: Tsk tsk tsk. Trying to escape on surgery day. Don't worry, insurance will cover it. [beat] ...Obviously that was a joke; insurance would never cover this. I-I think we can all agree they're the real villains, yeah?
 * Poison Ivy: I would agree with tha— [Gets sedated]

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 * Clayface: Good thinking, old chum, knowing I would clog up its gears but it wouldn't kill me.
 * Dr. Psycho: Yeah, that was, uh, that was definitely a thing I knew.

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 * Poison Ivy: Who the fuck braided my hair?
 * Sy Borgman: Eh, I was bored.

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 * Mook: She has no powers now, she's just a helpless woman!
 * Poison Ivy: Uh, who still has hands! [Picks up a gun and shoots him] And the goddamn Second Amendment!

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 * [Clayface throws up clay, and reabsorbs the clay back into himself]
 * King Shark: I do not know how you can live with yourself.

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 * Harley Quinn: Gentleman--and Psycho--begin Phase 2.

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 * King Shark: That was incredibly violent. I did not realize there was so much stuff inside a tree.

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 * Frank the Plant: Everybody feel that pucker in your asshole? That means shit is about to get real.

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 * Frank the Plant: [To Harley Quinn] Where'd you learn to give a speech? You put your thesis statement at the motherfuckin' top.

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 * [The crew discovers that Poison Ivy's biggest fear is... Harley Quinn?]
 * Frank the Plant: Oh, shit!
 * Clayface: Dear God. We're Empire Strikes Back-ing it!
 * Frank the Plant: You're her biggest fear? I did NOT see that coming. That's some M. Night Shyamalama shit!

Devil's Snare [1.12]

 *  Poison Ivy: We didn't do it! We aren't responsible for the tree monsters! I secretly watch NASCAR! I take long showers! I think paper straws are stupid and get too soggy! I was excited for Jazz Fest! [Cries out in agony as the Lasso Of Truth glows] Fine! I was very excited for Jazz Fest!

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 * Clayface: I know what we need! An idea! ... Anybody got one?

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 * Clayface: Oy! Bubbeh, it is I, Grandfather Wolf!
 * Dr. Psycho: Okay. First, that's a male wolf, dressed like an elderly human female. Second, why is your wolf Jewish?
 * Clayface: ...I took a swing.

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 * Harley Quinn: Nice save, Jerk-Off League!
 * Superman: That's not our name at all.

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 * [Ivy becomes a giant]
 * Dr. Psycho: [Gets excited] Thirty dollars if you put me in your pocket! [Everyone stares at him] What? I got a type. You knew this.

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 * Poison Ivy: You know what? You're really taking the romance out of it when you just call it "my plant control thing".

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 * King Shark: Uh, I hate to be a downer, but we are completely and utterly screwed. Oh, I wore that well. Umm, maybe I don't hate being a downer. Ooh, maybe I shouldn't feel so much pressure to put a positive spin on things.

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 * Harley Quinn: All right, everybody, back in the tank. If you need to pee, now's your chance.

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 * King Shark: People ask me who would win between a wolf and a shark. [Spits out a bone] It's a shark.

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 * Queen of Fables: Word of advice: don't smell Rapunzel's hair. Ain't no shower in that tower.

The Final Joke [1.13]

 * The Joker: [After throwing Harley Quinn into acid] Wait a minute. Did anyone hear a splash? I've fallen in acid enough times to know that there should be a splash.

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 * Batman: I work alone.
 * Commissioner Gordon: What about me?
 * Batman: Not now, Jim.

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 * The Joker: Now I know Batman is just some boring rich asshole with parental issues.
 * Batman: That's really reductive.

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 * The Joker: What is wrong with me?
 * Batman: You're a sociopathic narcissist!
 * The Joker: It was rhetorical, asshole! And who do you think you are, a psychiatrist?

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 * King Shark: Harley, a few words?
 * [Harley stifles back her tears]
 * Clayface: Let her grieve. I've prepared a little something. [Clears his throat while Harley sobs] We have gathered today to pay respects to our beloved friend. Her death was not an empty sacrifice. And, of my friend, I will say just this. Of all the souls I have met on my journeys, hers was the most - human.
 * Dr. Psycho: Wow, that, uh [sniffles] Wasn't awful.
 * Clayface: As apropos a speech now as when it was originally delivered by William Shatner's Captain James Tiberius Kirk in Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan.

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 * The Joker: I know I should have harpooned you in the head. One in the head, one in the heart. It's Harpooning 101.

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 * [Joker kills Scarecrow]
 * The Joker: ...Not even that was fun.
 * [Joker approaches newly-unmasked Batman/Bruce Wayne]
 * The Joker: WayneTech promised an electric car by this year! I put a deposit down! Where's my goddamn electric car, Bruce?