Harley Quinn (TV series)/Season 4


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Harley Quinn (2019-present) is an American adult animated web television series based on the Harley Quinn character created by Paul Dini and Bruce Timm, currently airing on HBO Max.

Gotham’s Hottest Hotties [4.01]

 * Poison Ivy: Hope the rocket isn't shaped like a giant penis. Am I right?
 * Lex Luthor: There is a scientific reason the rocket needs to look like that.


 * Metallo: If we wanted to get bossed around by a lady, we would get girlfriends.


 * Harley Quinn: It's a bird, it's a plane. It's motherfucking Harley Quinn!


 * Harley Quinn: Who's disrespecting you? I will kill them!
 * Poison Ivy: Oh, that's so sweet.


 * Nora Freeze: How are you?
 * Poison Ivy: You know, just reaching a career low, enabling overgrown goon babies to destroy the world.
 * Nora Freeze: You know, it's customary to just say, "I'm good."


 * Snowflame: Lex bowed to the woke mob and hired a skirt.

B.I.T.C.H. [4.02]

 * Alfred: Following rules is like folding a fitted sheet. Sometimes you do it. But other times, you stuff it in a drawer and say, "Close enough."

Harley Quinn: You're a real crumpet, Alfie, you know that?


 * Talia Al Ghul: Of course it worked. He'll never notice you've got your hand so far up his ass that you're playing his vocal cords like an upright bass.


 * Harley Quinn: Out of my way, Alfred! I finished my chores, and now I'm off to fight crime. Step aside or I'll have to fuck you up!
 * Alfred: I wish a bitch would try. [Sprays her with water]
 * Harley Quinn: Ah! Why?

Icons Only [4.03]

 * Poison Ivy: Heroes deserve a day off. Even all those unvaccinated firefighters.


 * Clayface: I have eyes and ears and Ramonas everywhere!


 * Harley Quinn: You should know that your rage is making your forehead wrinkles pop! [Clayface looks in a mirror and sees it's true]

Clayface''': Don't look at me! [Covers his face and runs away]


 * Poison Ivy: You get one residency, and suddenly you're all, "Ooh-la-la, I'm Clayface, I'm a big uh, diva!"
 * Clayface: You dare call MOI a diva?
 * Poison Ivy: [makes plants grow] Do you know who you're fucking talking to right now?
 * Clayface: [increases in size] Do you know who YOU're talking to?
 * Poison Ivy: Yeah. I do. [Taps Clayface's nose, and a fight starts]

Business Conference Without Chlamydia [4.04]

 * Alfred Pennyworth: [Giving out samples of White Collar Wine of a MalCon booth] It started with a single toilet booth with a crust of a bologna sandwich and now; White Collar Wine, is the official beverage of MalCon. [Chuckles with samplers clapping] Now let's start with the Chablis. [Pours glasses with samplers taking one and drinking] The nose of green jello pairs well with an aged gruyere and tax evasion.
 * Sampler man: Ooh, Penal Noir. Wow, what's with the feeling? It's like my head is spinning and my tummy is a-rumbly. But I also feel happy.
 * Lex Luthor: [Poison Ivy reaches for a glass with Lex slapping her hand] None for you. Alcohol dries out the vocal cords. [Ivy grumbles] There's someone I'd like to introduce you to. She's a woman, like you. Meet-
 * Poison Ivy: [To Alia Al Ghul wearing a tote bag reading: "I'm a moonver and a shaker"] Hey! Love the tote! Right? [They hug]
 * Lex Luthor: You two know each other?
 * Alia Al Ghul: God, you've been on the moon too long. We already met at the Evil Women in Business Luncheon.
 * Lex Luthor: Women's Luncheon?
 * Alia Al Ghul: [To Poison Ivy] Fucking Lex. You're the hot new blood here. Don't let that Ken Doll wannabe hold you back.
 * Poison Ivy: So he is fucking with me.
 * [Steppenwolf is portal apparitioned to MalCon]
 * Lex Luthor: Ah! Steppenwolf's here! [Runs to him] Such an attention whore!
 * Poison Ivy: Gross.
 * Lex Luthor: God love him! Steppenwolf! Remember last year?! Wolfpack! [Steppenwolf's monster hound mauls a man's arm]
 * Steppenwolf: [To monster hound] Sit! [All convention goers sit on floor]
 * Alia Al Ghul: Repulsive.
 * Poison Ivy: You know what? I'm gonna get some facetime with Stepphenwolf.
 * Poison Ivy: [Rappeling down a crater with Mark Zuckerberg rappeling alongside] Hey Zuckerberg! Have fun in the metaverse, dweeb! [Undoes his carabiner link sending him floating into space screaming with Steppenwolf laughing and giving thumbs up]
 * Poison Ivy: [Having coffee with Steppenwolf] I just wanna say I'm really flattered that you wanted to get java with me.
 * Steppenwolf: You're the woman of the hour. I have unlimited resources. You have unlimited ideas. Let's collab- [chokes and coughs with his monster hound mauling a man sitting with Poison indifferent] excuse me, -orate.
 * Poison Ivy: [Rappeling down a crater with Mark Zuckerberg rappeling alongside] Hey Zuckerberg! Have fun in the metaverse, dweeb! [Undoes his carabiner link sending him floating into space screaming with Steppenwolf laughing and giving thumbs up]
 * Poison Ivy: [Having coffee with Steppenwolf] I just wanna say I'm really flattered that you wanted to get java with me.
 * Steppenwolf: You're the woman of the hour. I have unlimited resources. You have unlimited ideas. Let's collab- [chokes and coughs with his monster hound mauling a man sitting with Poison indifferent] excuse me, -orate.
 * Steppenwolf: You're the woman of the hour. I have unlimited resources. You have unlimited ideas. Let's collab- [chokes and coughs with his monster hound mauling a man sitting with Poison indifferent] excuse me, -orate.


 * Harley Quinn: [Rough housing with Babs and Dick, body flipping him on the floor] And... you're both dead! Come on. You can do better than that! [Punches Barbara in chest]
 * Babs Grayson: What the heck?! That was dangerously close to my nipples! [Harley gets Barbara into a headlock and noogies her head]
 * Harley Quinn: Toughen up! You think real villains are about giving you a titty twister?! [Grabs Dick by nipples and throws him on floor] Think again!
 * Dick Grayson: I want my bat stun gun!
 * Harley Quinn: If you want a weapon, look around! Everything's a weapon!
 * Babs Grayson: Fine. What about my belt that Amelie poked four extra holes in?
 * Harley Quinn: Horrible choice for fashion. Great choice for weapon. [Garrotes Babs's neck with belt]
 * Dick Grayson: What about cheese balls? There were several on the floor this morning! I nearly broke my neck. Those Euro scum are trying to kill me!
 * Harley Quinn: Okay, paranoid, I'm sure it's just a Swedish tradition. [Points] Be... respectful!
 * Yonas: [Pokes head in door] Hello! Do you recommend any Thai food?
 * Babs Grayson: It's in the binder, Jonas!
 * Yonas: "Yonas"! Thanks, ya. [Draws head back out]

Getting Ice Dick, Don't Wait Up [4.05]

 *  Commissioner James Gordon: [In a mountain cabin with wife in winter] When Mayor Joker disbanded the police and launched me into forced retirement, I didn't know what I was gonna do. From the ashes that are my career, and that phoenix is you Barbara.
 * Barbara: Ooh, I can't wait to make love to you [gets on top of him] for the first time in 20 years.
 *  Commissioner James Gordon: [Answers phone] Yello?
 * Nora Freeze: Hey, it's Nora Freeze, nee Jacobsen, executive assistant to the CEO of the Legion of Doom. Charmed, I'm sure.
 *  Commissioner James Gordon: Uncharmed! Wha'd'ya want?!
 * Nora Freeze: Well, the LOD needs a security guard, and I found your resume taped to a dartboard at Noonan's So you want the job?
 *  Commissioner James Gordon: Yes! I accept! [Chuckles] Oh, my God. Thank you. I was going crazy in retirement! Passionate lovemaking with the woman of my dreams is too much pressure for this ol' sack! [Gets up and grabs jacket while just in bathrobe]
 * Barbara: What's going on, baby?
 *  Commissioner James Gordon: Duty calls, mon cherie! [Goes out door and gets on snowmobile] Whoo-hoo! [Rides off] Jimmy G's back baby!
 * Barbara: How am I supposed to get down from here? [Sighs and puts hands to hips and head] Oh, Barbara.
 * Barbara: How am I supposed to get down from here? [Sighs and puts hands to hips and head] Oh, Barbara.


 * Harley Quinn: Remember this binder from when we fought the CleggBnB guest? Man, that was amazing! I mean, look, it still has some of Yonas's pubes on it!
 * Batgirl: Harley, maybe focus on the mission?
 * Harley Quinn: I was thinking that too! Where are you guy's friendship bracelets?
 * Nightwing: [Leaps off rooftop with Batgirl and Robin] We're not wearing them because we're not friends! [Proceeds to assault common thugs in alleyway] We're just super people who fight crime together!
 * Harley Quinn: [Leaps onto a thug] Of course we're friends! Just like my old crew! [Points to each crew member ignoring her] Batgirl, you're King Shark! Robin, you're Psycho! Uh, [punches a thug in face] Nightwing, [punches a thug in face] you are Clayface, [kicks a thug in face] because of what a drama queen you are!
 * Nightwing: Stop talking while we're fighting!
 * Harley Quinn: See, such a Clayface!
 * Harley Quinn: I never realized how bad my night vision was till I started sneaking around in the shadows with you. [Gasps] It does explain why I went down on Ivy's armpit. Meh, she still got there.
 * Robin: [Harley bumps into him] Dude, watch where you're going!
 * Harley Quinn: Okay, okay. I see what's going on. You haven't let me into your hearts because my eyes suck. [Pokes Nightwing's abdomen]
 * Nightwing: Don't boop my tummy!
 * Harley Quinn: [Runs to thug running with a warehouse pallet] I'll protect you! [Jumps past thug and knocks herself out on a pipe]
 * Nightwing: Don't boop my tummy!
 * Harley Quinn: [Runs to thug running with a warehouse pallet] I'll protect you! [Jumps past thug and knocks herself out on a pipe]


 * Supergirl: [Harley wakes up] The LASIK went great! [Puts sunglasses on her] Your night vision is now 20/20!
 * Harley Quinn: Thank you for the hero discount! I cannot wait to surprise the Bat family with my new eyes! If they're willing to see how far I'm willing to go to be better, maybe they'll reciprocate and wear my bracelet.
 * Supergirl: Mmm-hmm. We called your emergency contact to pick you up, but her assistant said you were unavailable. She also said parting my hair like this makes me look matronly. But she couldn't see me, right?
 * Harley Quinn: Ugh, yeah. Nora. [Holds up phone] Let me try, Ivy. Call soulmate peach emoji sweat droplets emoji devil horn smile.


 * Supergirl: [To Harley in waiting room] You better find someone to pick you up or we'll be force to reverse the surgery.
 * Harley Quinn: Okay, I'm trying! I'm trying! [Calls Batgirl only to be unanswered with a scene of her phone left on bed] I've been abandoned!


 * Mr. Freeze: [Poison walks up to him and Nora] There's the woman who conquered the moon. Saw you with Steppenwolf. [Makes gesture] Big ups.
 * Nora Freeze: [Holds up gift basket] This is from Talia Al Ghul.
 * Poison Ivy: Aw, this pretzel gun is so realistic. [Holds it up] Look at that.
 * Mr. Freeze: The bullets are cookies!
 * Poison Ivy: So, while I was gone, what'd I miss?
 * Nora Freeze: I don't know. I thought when you were off, I was off. [Walks away]
 * Lex Luthor: Hey, careful where you those guns! They kill the waistline!
 * Poison Ivy: Oh, Lex. You look very taut! Your hair looks spiky and your cheeks are very much higher up!
 * Lex Luthor: [Lunges at her for a deep hug] Get over here, girly!
 * Poison Ivy: Hmm?
 * Lex Luthor: You killed it at the conference!
 * Poison Ivy: Really? Because you seemed a little mad when you screamed at everyone to get off your moon.
 * Lex Luthor: Oh, sudden rage is a side effect of forcing my body to accept falcon DNA. I came here to help bring you to the next level. I'm gifting you my PR team. [They approach] The Jons. They're the best in the biz.
 * Poison Ivy: Thank you, Lex. That's very generous. And also for you guys, love how all of your shoes are a slightly different shade of brown.
 * Jon 1: [Gasps] They're chestnut.
 * Jon 2: Teak.
 * Jon 3: Taupe.
 * Jon 4: Milk chocolate, but the European kind.
 * Poison Ivy: I really don't think I need a PR team. I think the work speaks for itself.
 * Jon 1: [Holds up gesture of a phone] Ring, ring, ring, ring. Uh, hello? Delusion. Girl, how'd you get this number? Excuse me, Ivy, it's for you.

Metamorphosis [4.06]

 * [Poison Ivy is at a spa with members of Evil Women in Business Collective ]
 * Livewire: Wow! Nightbitch is dead!
 * Veronica Gale: Another hero down! And on your watch, Ivy! It's a good thing I'm in the tub, because I'm soaked!
 * Poison Ivy: Ugh, I should call Harley!
 * Talia Al Ghul: No, the most important thing is to get your condolence statement out there. [To Spa staff] Bring us our phones. Veronica, you're starting to look too amazing. Get out before it turns you crazy.
 * Poison Ivy: What should I write?
 * Veronica Gale: Aah! You already posted six hours ago! You are on top of it! How long have you known?
 * Poison Ivy: Wait, what? Let me see that. [Takes phone from Veronica and reads aloud] "Thank you to everyone who's been reaching out about Nightwing's death. As I sit here in my power caftan, I feel grateful for the guidance of my dear mentor; Lex Luthor". I did not write that!
 * Veronica Gale: Who has access to your account?
 * Poison Ivy: Oh, my God. My PR team. My PR team!
 * Veronica Gale: They need to run things by you first.
 * Livewire: My team always gives me three options. Funny, sassy, horny.
 * Poison Ivy: Wait, you don't give all your passwords and your PINs and your keys to your PR team?
 * Veronica Gale: The only person who has my PIN lives in a cage under my kitchen table.
 * Poison Ivy: Shit. I... I need to have a talk with The Jons.
 * Veronica Gale: Uh, wow, girl. Where would you even be without the Evil Women in Business Collective? [Giggles with all clinking glasses]


 * Joker: [At kitchen table with Bethany, Benicio and Sophia] Thank you, uh, for gathering for this family meeting. I have a big announcement. It's muy importante.
 * Benicio: So embarassing. Just speak full Spanish or full English.
 * Joker: My bad. Lo siento.
 * Benicio: Dad!
 * Joker: Kids, Bethany, mi amor. [Rises up with hands in air] I'm going to back to villainy!
 * Bethany: Ay, pero, this is a big change. The kids just got used to the chore wheel.
 * Sophia: Screw the chore wheel.
 * Bethany: What about our health insurance?
 * Joker: I'll blow up any hospital that sends us a bill.
 * Sophia: Will you blow up my PE coach?
 * Benicio: Can I have some poison gas for my science project? [Joker laughs maniacally]
 * Bethany: There's a cashier at More For Lex who's never told me to have a nice day.
 * Joker: So it's settled! Who wants to go steal some soft serve?
 * Benicio and Sophia: Yeah! [Bethany starts maniacally laughing with Benicio and Sophia joining in then Joker all standing up with same outspread claw hands]

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 * Harley Quinn: [Walks in Ivy's apartment with a box calling for Ivy] Ive? Ivy? Guess who's moving in? [Sees Frank] Frank?! What.. what are you doing here?! I thought you lived at the office?!
 * Frank: I did until those Jons tried to get rid of me. They sent me to some fucking place called "Bialiya" to be "repotted". Luckily, I escaped by eating a truck driver.
 * Harley Quinn: The Jons?! Ugh! I don't even know what's going with Ivy anymore. I mean, wait. Does she still have red hair? Tell me everything.
 * Frank: Ooh. The NDA they made me sign is as strong as the truck driver's will to live. I shouldn't have said anything about Bialiya.
 * Harley Quinn: Uh, hey, Frank, I'm gonna aw up for Ivy, okay? [Sets box on floor, sits in sofa seat and falls asleep]
 * Frank: [To Harley asleep holding a knife impaled pillow] Bitch! Wake up! You sleep-stabbed all the pillows!
 * Harley Quinn: What?! No, I didn't!
 * Frank: Then you kicked the TV! I was watching Bobby Flay make a goddamn turkey burger! You opened up every closet and you screamed for 60 seconds! You know how many closets there are up in this bitch?! Then you shaved Catwoman's favorite cat! Then you tried to use me as a mannequin to see all of Catwoman's earrings, even though I kept telling you I don't have fucking earlobes! Man, I never seen sleepwalking like that.
 * Harley Quinn: Sleepwalking? Wait, wait, is Ivy here?
 * Frank: No, she just dropped in and changed from her spa blazer to her business blazer. Then she tripped over on that box on the way out. She was so goddamn pissed at whoever left it there. Don't worry, though. I covered for you.
 * Harley Quinn: She didn't even notice I was here?
 * Frank: That's how covering works. You're welcome. [Retracts back fully into his planting pot]

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 * Man: [At Poison Ivy statue fountain holding a coin] I wish I has a single shred of self-respect. [Baby shark leaps out and bites off hand] Why?!
 * James Gordon: [Runs over] What's with all this hubbub?!
 * Man: That shark stole my wish! [Falls down dead]
 * Nanaue: Daddy's coming! [Leaps into fountain splashing out water level] My babies!
 * James Gordon: [Baby sharks are all biting on his fingers] Oh, look at these pups sucking on my cocktail weenies! I forgot what a good dad I am!
 * Nanaue: [Walks over to James] Oh, I am so sorry! I really thought I could be a working single dad like one of those romcoms where it's challenging at first, but at the end of a fun montage, you balance it all.
 * James Gordon: [To Nanaue holding all his baby sharks] Look me in the eye! You can do this! Dads can have it all!
 * Nanaue: So, how did you do it?
 * James Gordon: Great question. I'll show you.

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 * Poison Ivy: [Walks into room, sniffs and sneezes] Ugh!
 * Jon 1: Oh, uh, I... Ivy! You're back early!
 * Poison Ivy: Yeah, go ahead and give me my passwords to my socials and my laptop. Also, why do all of my bras have underwire now?
 * Jon 2: Excuse me, if there's no wire, it's an bralette.
 * Poison Ivy: Wait, there's more of you?
 * Jon 1: Yes, there is so much to do. [Snarls and cellular divides another replicant with squelching and a The Jon cuts the umbilical cord] Ta-da! [Jon 6 gasps] Jon, tell this boss bitch her new schedule. [Groans and gets off table]
 * Jon 6: [Opens binder and reads aloud] Your line of business corsets is about to drop so you'll be appearing on Good Evening Bludhaven. [A jon holds up an outfit]
 * Jon 1: And you'll need to take photos with the Poison Ivy doll once they're reissued with less realistic buttholes.
 * Jon 2: But, yay, top of your agenda, judging the first annual Lil' Poison Miss Ivy contest! That's right, sis! You're ready to appear with children! [The Jons applaud]
 * Jon 3: It's the coup de grace for PR.
 * Jon 4: If you hook 'em when their brains are mushy, you'll have a little Ivy Army to debone frackers and we'll be the most powerful PR team in the world.
 * Poison Ivy: Yeah, so I'm not going to be doing a kiddie pageant.
 * Jon 2: Oh.
 * Jon 1: We see.
 * Jon 5: No pageant, no problem.
 * Poison Ivy: Uh... [grunts and walks out door, glances at phone with news headline notifications reading; "Ivy's a-choo snafu" and "why it's okay to hate women who sneeze" with unflattering pics of herself, she glances at The Jons through a window with dramatic slide views of Jon 1 and her eyes] That's it! Those fuckers are done!

Most Culturally Impactful Film Franchise [4.07]

 * James Gordon: [Using camera to trim nose hairs] You are one sexy muchacho!
 * Harley Quinn: [Bursts in causing James to lose balance and have scissors rammed up nose] Gordon! I need your help!
 * James Gordon: I hit a blood vessel!
 * Harley Quinn: [Grabs James and throws him into chair] Listen, I was here last night for the Nightwing's dead party, and I saw another Harley! I gotta know if I'm losing my fucking mind! So, can we please check the security cameras now?
 * James Gordon: You know, I thought I saw my doppelganger once, but it was just a plate of carne asada and nachos atop a trash can.
 * Harley Quinn: [Looks at monitor] Who the hell is this?
 * James Gordon: Get ready for some cuteness. [Plays footage]
 * Recording James Gordon: [Shooting camera of baby shark playing with handgun] Okay? Give daddy back his gun now. [Baby shark discharges firearm into camera]
 * Harley Quinn: Come on.
 * James Gordon: Hey! This is my... you find what you need?
 * Harley Quinn: Hey, where is the rest of the footage?!
 * James Gordon: I got some bathroom stuff, some make-out stuff. [Shoves James and kicks over a monitor in frustration] The rest, I kind of taped over.
 * Harley Quinn: [Grabs James shirt and gets on his lap] So fucking worthless! When I'm looking for something... I need to know what's happening to me! Gordon, do I seem insane to you?!
 * James Gordon: Um... no, you seem good.

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 * Poison Ivy: Obviously, guys, I've been owning the game, lately.
 * Terra: Fucking owning it, and all the haters along the way.
 * Poison Ivy: But we don't want to have owned it. We want to always be, present tense, owning it. Right?
 * Volcana: ABOI. Always be owning it.
 * Poison Ivy: No, no, no. That sounds like BO in the middle. Not everything needs to be a thing. Anyway, the Legion of Super-Heroes time-sphere is being moved to The Smithsonian at 3:00 p.m. And we are going to hijack it. [Legion of Doomettes cheer]
 * Terra: Sick! A time-sphere. I'm going to visit past atrocities and learn how to do them better.
 * Tefé Holland: I'd love to go back and tell my younger self that snake-eye contacts are more weird than intimidating.
 * Volcana: I can go back in time and do extra work without missing any work.
 * Poison Ivy: Okay, guys, we're not actually going to use the time-sphere. I just want it 'cause like, it's going to look really cute on my wall. Total power move.
 * Nora Freeze: Everyone, shut up! I have news! I'm starving! What are we doing for lunch?! Volcana, don't you dare; "you're fine with anything", again! I'd rather have a bad suggestion like all the one Tefé gives.
 * Tefé Holland: Hey!
 * Nora Freeze: Okay, screw you. I'm ordering gyros again. Oh, and they moved up the time-sphere transfer to, like, right now.
 * Poison Ivy: Oh, shit. We gotta go. [Poison, Tefé and Volcana run]
 * Tefé Holland: Wait. I'm not paying the delivery fee myself.

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 * Harley Quinn: [To Batgirl on the computer in the Batcave] Batgirl, I need to have a very one-sided conversation about my mental state. So, could you... hello?!
 * Batgirl: Sorry, what?! I can't hear anything with my headphones on. They're for busy girls in loud places, see? [Shows headphone reading "BUSY GRRRLS LOUD PLACES"]
 * Harley Quinn: So, um, I just wanna, like, talk about last night.
 * Batgirl: Weird. You didn't bring this up two hours ago when you brought me half an egg sandwich.
 * Harley Quinn: I did?! I don't remember doing that or eating half an egg sandwich?! Oh, my God. I'm really losing it?!
 * Batgirl: Okay. Well there's nothing to talk about. I had a nice cold shower, and I'm totally good now.
 * Harley Quinn: Okay. Well, cool. But I am totally not good. I'm more...
 * Batgirl: I don't think Joker murdered Nightwing. [Gets up]
 * Harley Quinn: What?
 * Batgirl: It doesn't add up. If Joker really did it, why would he wait an entire day to tell everyone?
 * Harley Quinn: Oh, my God! You're right! He really is the worst at keeping secrets! I mean, he always tells the kids where the afikomen is hidden [[w:passover|at passover!
 * Batgirl: We gotta prove Joker's lying or no one will believe us when we find the actual murderer. Whoa! You look like do-do!
 * Harley Quinn: Right! That's, kind of, what I was hoping to talk to you about.
 * Batgirl: Okay, sorry. But I can't be the friend you need right now. I owe it to Nightwing to find the real killer. Can't you talk to Ivy? I'm trying to respect her boundaries and not to bother her with this stuff. Because, you know, she's been busy with...
 * Harley Quinn: Awesome. You're the best. Thank you. [Walks away]
 * Batgirl: Please close the door.

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 * Gorilla Grodd: Good to have you back in the poker game! An evil game!
 * Doctor Psycho: Killing Nightwing. Very tight!
 * Joker: Moral politics was fun! But you can't change the soul of a villain!
 * Doctor Psycho: So quotable, you're going to slay on my podcast!
 * Joker: [Answers phone] Excuse me. James Corden.
 * Doctor Psycho: Don't cover the phone. I know Corden.
 * Joker: Oh, you want me to host one of your little musical-comedy traffic jams? Co-host. Hmm? Yeah. Sharing isn't really my thing. Little shit is trying to leach off my comeback.
 * Doctor Psycho: God, he's a needy motherfucker.
 * Joker: Oh, it's my deal. Gotta go. Bye bye. [Wins the jackpot] It's good to be back boys. [Hugs the jackpot] House always wins.

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 * Batgirl: [Discovering Joker in archival CCTV footage] Way to trust your gut Barbara Gordon Junior.

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 * Harley Quinn: [Enters office] Hey babe, um...
 * Nora Freeze: Hey.
 * Harley Quinn: What's with the red wig?
 * Nora Freeze: I'm expecting the IRS this week. Gotta throw them off their game.

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 * Harley Quinn: [Arrives to Poison Ivy attempting to hijack the time-sphere from a moving transport-truck] Listen, I need to talk to you.
 * Poison Ivy: Oh, man. People don't just show up at their partner's work like this.
 * Wonder Woman: Yeah, Harley. Imagine if the Supreme Court got Frenched on the bench.
 * Harley Quinn: I would not have come if it wasn't super important.
 * Poison Ivy: Can we just talk about this later?
 * Harley Quinn: I don't think we can.
 * Poison Ivy: Baby, are you trying to stop me from stealing the time-sphere?
 * Harley Quinn: Geez! There's a time-ball on this truck?!
 * Poison Ivy: Yes, I am a big deal super-villain! And sometime I steal time-spheres, okay?
 * Volcana: [Flying by] ABST. Always be stealing...
 * Poison Ivy: Enough with the fucking acronyms! Baby, I'm doing all this because I'm building something! So, when we're like, 60 years old and still hot, we can sip wine in our chateau and have plenty of time to talk.

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 * Poison Ivy: Harley, what are you doing? Fuck! She is in no state to be messing with the space-time continuum. BRB.
 * Volcana: Her acronyms are so much cooler.
 * Poison Ivy: Hey, baby. Baby, look at me. You do not know how to operate a fucking time-sphere.
 * Harley Quinn: It's intuitive.
 * Poison Ivy: What?
 * Terra: Ugh, drama.
 * Time-sphere notifier voice: Mind the gap.
 * Poison Ivy: [Stepping out of time-sphere to see a war-ravaged Gotham street] Oh, cake dick.
 * Harley Quinn: Damn it.
 * Poison Ivy: What year did you take us to?
 * Harley Quinn: Hmm? Interesting. It may not be as intuitive as I thought, which is on the time-sphere.
 * Poison Ivy: What? Hey, Harley. Where are you going? We gotta get back to out time, okay?
 * Harley Quinn: Oh, what? Sorry. Do you have a hard-out?
 * Poison Ivy: No, I don't. I.. at least I... I don't think so. Let me check. You know what? There's no service. Fuckin' A. Argh! We shouldn't be here! This looks like a goddamn apocalypse!
 * Harley Quinn: Well, guess what? There's an apocalypse happening in my brain. The emotional chickens came home and they are roasting, Ivy!
 * Poison Ivy: Hey, shh! Let's not bring out whatever cursed beings...!
 * Harley Quinn: Cluck-cluck, Ivy. The chickens are fucking...! [militarized aerial drones approach and open fire on them]
 * Poison Ivy: Harley, get back to the time-sphere!

II Buffone [4.08]

 * Volcana: This is literally the most flammable closet in all of Gotham. Hairspray, gunpowder, snacks made with highly-combustible ingredients. I'm lucky I didn't explode!

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 * Poison Ivy: Fuck, we were gone a few days and Snyderverse people took over?

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 * Nora Freeze: Can't you use your powers to explode us out of here?
 * Volcana: I'm famously known for fires, not explosions. It's a subtle but very important distinction.

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 * Bane: Mama! Not my fingers! I need these to pleasure Nora... with my calligraphy! And to continue working as a semi-famous villain in Gotham!

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 * Captain Cold: Pretty sure we all have concussions, but I slept great. Should we get bagels?

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 * Bane: Hey! Pasta-maker makers beware. I have arrived!

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 * Nora Freeze: Oh, you men! You drain our titties when you're baby boys and now you make us run your companies? Get out!

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 * Bane: These people and their fucking naps!

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 * Bane: Your eggs are faulty, I will 'splode them all!

Potato Based Cloning Incident [4.09]

 * Lex Luthor: Please don't make me laugh. My butthole is way too relaxed.

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 * The Flash: [after being kicked in the groin] Right in the Kid Flashes!

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 * Batgirl: She was a murderer and a potato. So this doesn't technically count as killing.

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 * Harley Quinn: You wanna dance, baby? Let's fucking dance!

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 * Poison Ivy: Golf goes against everything I stand for. Privatizing green space so old men with shrimp cocktail breath can hit their tiny white balls with long hammers.

Killer's Block [4.10]

 * Superman: I always knew you were a hero.
 * Harley Quinn: I'm better than a hero. I'm Harley Fucking Quinn.

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 * Jim Gordon: When I find the monster responsible for shooting my Babsy, these old tuna cans are going to tear him limb from limb, eat the very flesh from his bones, then make a soothing broth with his carcass to use as a base in stews. Then I'm going to learn how to make a stew.

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 * The Joker: Everyone knows if you don't kill a hostage in the first 24 days, it's never gonna happen.

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 * Poison Ivy: [To Harley] Hey, this is kind of weird for me to say, but your occasional willingness to help people even while blowing the shit out of them, is inspiring to me. Like, tote bag level-inspiring

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 * Harley Quinn: The Mother Box: my favorite means of intergalactic transportation and body part.

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 * Lex Luthor: [Fighting Ivy and Harley] I get better workouts digesting dairy.

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 * Nightwing: [After being resurrected by the Lazarus Pit] Where the fuck is Harley Quinn?

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 * Batgirl: [Wheels up in the Cemetery, Interrupting Harley and Ivy making out] Wow, That is messed up.
 * Harley Quinn: Oh, Come on! My hands weren't even in her pants yet!
 * Batgirl: I was talking about the moon. [Points to moon]

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 * Harley Quinn: Batgirl did it! We're in!
 * Superman: What... what are you doing?
 * Poison Ivy: Mowing down tech, oil and cosmetic pharmaceutical companies in the name of socially conscious evil!
 * Harley Quinn: Oh, I love the plan, very emotionally cool, obvs, but maybe first, let's evacuate the buildings, huh?
 * Poison Ivy: I mean, do we really have to, or...
 * Batgirl: [On phone] I just remotely pulled all the fire alarms in Gotham.
 * Harley Quinn: Okay, now you're just showing off! [To Poison Ivy] Who are we going to blow up first, hot stuff?
 * Poison Ivy: Let's rain fire on EWBC! [Harley squeals and slams button] Veronica Cale's company, boom! Talia Wayne's company, boom! That overpriced oyster place that isn't even good, boom!
 * Talia al Ghul: [Mark Zuckerberg's corpse lands on her window] What the zuck?! What the fuck?
 * PA Batgirl: [Clayman is gambling at the Luxor Las Vegas casino] Evacuate the building immediately!
 * Clayman: [Looks at phone] Drats! Bankrupt again! Curse you, White Collar Wine! [Detonates casino explosives]
 * Batman: [Witnesses explosion from prison window] The world needs Batman again. [Snaps finger and prison butler hands him phone] Do it. Call Judge Chase. Tell him his stepdaughter got an internship at WayneTone Records.
 * Lawyer: I'll have you out by lunch.
 * Harley Quinn: I love when we're in sync like this.
 * Poison Ivy: Yeah, like back in '53, when Dizzy Gillepsie [makes trumpet playing gesture] horned it up with Charles Mingus.
 * Superman: Turn that thing off! You're going to break the moon!