Henry Beard

Henry Nichols Beard (born June 7, 1945) is an American humorist, one of the founders of the magazine National Lampoon and the author of several best-selling books.

Quotes

 * Perennial: Any plant which, had it lived, would have bloomed year after year.
 * Gardening: A Gardener's Dictionary (1982)

Latin for All Occasions (1990)

 * , 1990: A book of various phrases in Latin humorously based on modern forms.


 * Si hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus Latinis alacribus et fructuosis potiri potes! If you can read this sign, you can get a good job in the fast-paced, high-paying world of Latin!


 * Si hoc adfixum in obice legere potes, et liberaliter educatus et nimis popinquus ades. If you can read this bumper sticker, you are both very well educated and much too close.


 * Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.


 * Anates tuas in acie instrue. Get your ducks in a row.


 * Lege atque lacrima. Read-em and weep.


 * Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare. I think some people in togas are plotting against me.


 * Canis meus id comedit. My dog ate it.


 * Nullae satisfactionis potiri non possum. I can't get no satisfaction.


 * Utinam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant! May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy!


 * Quantum illae stolae pependisti? You paid how much for that dress?


 * Having done these things, they made the sacrifices prescribed by custom lest they be found lacking in filial piety.
 * An all-purpose phony translation for Latin inscriptions.


 * Hidden Latin Insults:


 * Podex perfectus es. Claim it means: You did a terrific job. What it really means: You are a total asshole.


 * Stercorem pro cerebro habes. Claim it means: That's certainly food for thought. What it really means: You have shit for brains.


 * Futue te ipsum et caballum tuum. Claim it means: I've really got to take my hat off to you. What it really means: Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.


 * Phony ailments:


 * Taedium pellucidorum. An eye condition that keeps you from looking at people's slides.