Hercules: The Legendary Journeys

Hercules: The Legendary Journeys (1995–1999) is a television series loosely based on Greek mythology.

Opening Narration

 * Narrator: This is the story of a time long ago, a time of myth of legend. When the ancient gods were petty and cruel, and plagued mankind with suffering, only one man dared to challenge their power -- Hercules!  Hercules possessed a strength the world had never seen, a strength surpassed only by the power of his heart.  He journeyed the Earth, battling the minions of his wicked stepmother Hera, the all-powerful queen of the gods.  But where ever there was evil, where ever an innocent would suffer, there would be -- Hercules!

The Wrong Path [1.01]

 * Iolaus: Oh, there's nothing like a bit of exercise to get the old blood flowing.
 * Hercules: Speak for yourself.
 * Iolaus: Oh, come on, don't tell me you didn't enjoy it, Hercules. I saw that look on your face!
 * Hercules: Well, then you better remember it, because I'm not gonna wear it again.

 [Hera has just killed Hercules' wife and children]
 * Hercules: Damn you, Hera! You'll pay for this till the day I die!


 * Alcmene: Where are you going?
 * Hercules: To pay Hera back the best way I can -- by destroying her seven temples.
 * Alcmene: That won't bring your family back. You'll only put yourself in danger.
 * Hercules: Nothing will happen to me, Mother. I'm the son of a God, remember?


 * Iolaus: Don't doubt me, Lykus. I've fried bigger fish than your She-demon. You know? When Hercules and I were-- battling the Titans-- we were up against bearded behemoths-- eight feet tall-- no ten-- even twelve. We still managed to beat back two waves of those ugly brutes. (chuckles) I tell ya-- my head was echoing with the clang of swords for weeks after that-- oh, yeah.


 * Lycus: How can you call this Hercules a hero? He's too busy ravaging his own home to help anybody. He must be crazy. You people think it doesn't matter 'cause the blood of Zeus runs in his veins.
 * Iolaus: [Iolaus overhears this and slams his drink down] Hey! Why don't you pipe down till you know what you're talking about?
 * Lycus: I know what I saw with my own eyes, that's all I'm saying.
 * Iolaus: You didn't look into his heart, if ya did you've would've seen it was broken.
 * Lycus: You don't make anymore sense then Hercules did.
 * Iolaus: [Iolaus grabs him] He lost his family. You understand that? They were swept away in a fireball sent down by his stepmother.
 * Lycus: The goddess, Hera?
 * Iolaus: She's a murdering bitch. And his father's no better. Zeus turned his back on his own blood.
 * Lycus: Where's your respect for the gods?
 * Iolaus: In a pig trough, where it belongs. Hercules deserves our respect now-- and our sympathy.

Eye of the Beholder [1.02]

 * Hercules: [Right after Salmoneus fell from the tree] How'd you get up there, anyway?
 * Salmoneus: Some lunatic Cyclops kicked me in the rear and sent me flying.


 * The Cyclops: If you let me live in peace I promise-- I'll help you do the same-- as long as you treat me-- with respect.


 * Castor: Heard you worked up a bit of an appetite, today.
 * The Cyclops: Only fools challenge me.
 * Castor: That's right. That's why I have you on my side. I'm too smart to go up against you.
 * The Cyclops: Yeah-- to my face you are.
 * Castor: Hey, I'm not like those jackasses in Trachas!
 * The Cyclops: You better not be.
 * Castor: Would you doubt me-- huh? How could you do that? I pay you-- to vent your anger on people who have-- belittled you all your life! No one-- has ever been as good to you as I have.


 * Salmoneus: OK, now here's what I could do. I could call one of my togas, the 'Hercules Deluxe-ees'-- huh? Just tell me which ones you wanna buy.
 * Hercules: I don't wanna buy any of them.
 * Salmoneus: Oh, you want something for nothing, huh?
 * Hercules: That's not what I mean.
 * Salmoneus: No, what you mean is, you don't care about your image. But you better start, my friend, 'cause the public is fickle. All right-- tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna give you your own line of togas-- cut you in for a piceof the action--huh, huh? And here's the advertising slogan. 'Hercules, the giant killer-- takes a giant step forward in fashion!' Pretty snappy, huh?

The Road to Calydon [1.03]

 * Hercules: I gave your people that food to eat, not waste.
 * Broteas: An offering to Hera will bring us much more good fate than will full stomachs.
 * Hercules: Hera doesn't care about anybody, except herself.
 * Broteas: You're a fool if you believe that. Now, let me carry out their wishes!
 * Hercules: Is this what you want? To see good food burned while you starve? That's what I thought. Now, go ahead and eat it this time! Feed your stomach-- not Hera's fire.


 * Broteas: Look around. We're on our last legs. Where d'ya expect us to go?
 * Hercules: Calydon.


 * Hercules: You should have given Calydon a chance.
 * Old Blind Seer: Oh-- more fun with you-- more danger! (he laughs)
 * Hercules: Thanks for the compliment, I think.
 * Old Blind Seer: You're welcome. Wait. I sense something. Something hairy-- with a tail! A-and-and breath so bad-- it can wilt flowers!
 * Hercules: Not another monster. Oh, no.
 * Old Blind Seer: What is it? Not another one of those fire-breathing things-- ten times worse than the swamp bird!
 * Hercules: You better have another vision. It's the dog from Parthus.
 * Old Blind Seer: (laughs) Not the one who was a woman? (laughs again)
 * Old Blind Seer: Here, girl! Here! Here! Here! Here! Come! Come! Come! Come! Come! Ha-ha. You're off the hook, Hercules.
 * Hercules: I know. You just got a new traveling companion.
 * Old Blind Seer: How'd you figure that out?
 * Hercules: Easy. She's cursed -- and I'm not.
 * Old Blind Seer: Nobody's perfect. (laughs)

Ares [1.05]

 * Hercules: (to the teen cult tribe) Is that the God you worship? That- take those masks off. Go home. Go back to the villages and farms that you came from. If you have to fight, fight for peace; not for war.


 * Ares: Time to die, little brother.
 * Hercules: I hate my family.

Pride Comes Before a Brawl [1.07]

 * Iolaus: (thinking up a plan, whispers) Take your dress off!
 * Lydia: (incredulously) Couldn't that wait until after you rescue us?
 * Iolaus: Take it off!
 * (Lydia slaps him)


 * Lydia: What are you doing?
 * Iolaus: I'm lighting a fire!

The Warrior Princess [1.09]

 * Xena: If he was really your friend, he wouldn't have come here and tried to interfere.
 * Iolaus: Well I guess you're right, Xena. It's just -- I've never been on a different side to Hercules before.
 * Xena: You didn't let that stop you from standing up to him. You were a true warrior.
 * Iolaus: If I was anything less, you wouldn't want me here.
 * Xena: You've turned out to be everything I thought Hercules would be. But Hercules -- I can be fierce and violent, Iolaus, you've seen that for yourself. But to hear Hercules say what he said -- it was like having a dagger plunged through my heart.
 * Iolaus: I've ended my friendship with him.
 * Xena: Then you must be in pain, too.
 * Iolaus: Not as long as I'm with you.
 * Xena: Come to bed when you're finished with your sword. I'll be waiting.


 * Iolaus: Come on! (Hercules and Iolaus fight) Fight, damn it! Quit acting like you're too good for me!
 * Hercules: I have never been too good for you! I'm just trying to stay alive long enough for you to come to your senses!


 * Iolaus: It's not every day I meet a beautiful woman that wants to wash my back.
 * Xena: Oh, I will do more for you than that, Iolaus...much more.
 * Iolaus: You do this for all your warriors?
 * Xena: Only special ones.
 * Iolaus: Oh, I hope there aren't too many of those.
 * Xena: Right now, there's just you.


 * Villager: (about Xena) She just wants to write her name across history in big bloody letters.


 * Iolaus: I can't believe you'd show your face here.
 * Hercules: Stay out of this, Iolaus. My fight's with Xena, not you.
 * Iolaus: Don't push me aside! You're the one that attacked Xena and killed the warrior with her.


 * Soldiers: Xena! Let's go.  Quickly!
 * Xena: Is that the best you've got? Ha!  Bring it on!
 * Iolaus: Boy, you know how to show a guy a good time.
 * Xena: Don't talk, fight!

Gladiator [1.10]

 * Highwayman: Maybe you don't count so well. There's six of us and there's two of you.
 * Hercules: Good point. Iolaus, what do you think?  Six to two?
 * Iolaus: Well, it's not really fair. Maybe we should let them go.
 * Hercules: You can go!
 * (fight starts)

Unchained Heart [1.13]

 * Xena: Let me go. There's so much of my life I have to make amends for. I've got to get started.
 * Hercules: I wish you'd let me help.
 * Xena: You already have. You unchained my heart. Goodbye, Hercules.

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 * Xena: Are you a biographer, or a bad comedian, or have you dreamed up some other get rich scheme?
 * Salmoneus: How about love slave? I'm versatile.
 * Xena: You're deluded.

Outcast [2.05]

 * Deric the Centaur: I want my son to be safe.
 * Hercules: Don't worry, Salmoneus will keep him safe.
 * Salmoneus: He'll be safe. I'll be a wreck.

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 * Salmoneus: Oh, ho, dear. Lyla, Lyla, do... does she remind you of anyone we both know?
 * Hercules: Come to think of it, she looks a little like Xena.
 * Salmoneus: Yeah, hah! Different dispostion, though, huh?

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 * Cletis: Huh, you know the difference between a Centaur and a three-legged dog?
 * (Hercules picks him up)
 * Hercules: People died in that fire! I don't wanna hear any Centaur jokes!

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 * Hercules: (Deric is about to throw Jakar to his death) Deric! Is revenge the only legacy you can pass on to Kefor? Is there no room in his life for compassion and forgiveness?

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 * Democles: I didn't kill your wife, but I was a part of those responsible. I was wrong and I'm sorry.
 * Deric the Centaur: Sorry won't bring Lyla back.
 * Hercules: Neither will holding onto your hate.
 * Salmoneus: He's not on their side anymore. He fought against them.
 * Deric the Centaur: Apology accepted-
 * (He holds out his arm)
 * Deric the Centaur: -friend.
 * Democles: (Democles clasps his arm) Friend.

The End of the Beginning [3.19]

 * Past Autolycus: Jerkules is your partner? Oh, what kind of goody-two-shoes did you turn into?!
 * Autolycus: You watch your mouth.
 * Pat Autolycus: Oh, why? Is little-goody-two-shoes embarrassed, huh? (singing) "Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes, Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes..."
 * (Autolycus punches his younger self out)
 * Autolycus: I ain't that good. I know this is a huge shock, Hercules, but at one time, I was actually...obnoxious.

Web of Desire [4.04]

 * Iolaus: What in Tartarus is that?
 * Hercules: It's some sort of cocoon.
 * Iolaus: What for? A giant butterfly?
 * Hercules: Somehow I don't think it's going to turn out to be that friendly.
 * [scream is heard offstage]
 * Iolaus: How come you're always right?
 * Hercules: It's a half-god thing.

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 * Hercules: Who are you?
 * Nebula: Who are you?! No, let me guess — sloping forehead, dragging knuckles... I'm thinking orangutan, or maybe gorilla. Ah! [Looks at Iolaus] That must be your little chimp.

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 * Hercules: I can't say I'm pleased to meet you.
 * Arachne: Oh, but I am pleased to meet you, Hercules, Son of Zeus, who cursed me with this form. You'll pay for your father's crime.
 * Hercules: What else is new?

Men in Pink [4.12]

 * The Widow Twanky: Come on, girls! Hurry along! Too many bubbles can make you go blind!
 * (sees Cupcake and Autolycus)
 * The Widow Twanky: Cupcake? Is this-- gentleman bothering you?
 * Cupcake: Oh, no. I was just stroking his poodle.
 * The Widow Twanky: (to Cupcake) You hardly know him. Now, run along. You're dripping all over the floor.

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 * Autolycus: Gimme some sugar, baby.

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 * Cupcake: (to Autolycus) I never thought a sm-- small-town girl like me would be lucky enough to find a swell guy like you. Most men lie-- and steal-- and lead double lives. But it's different with you.

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 * Cupcake: I'm so sorry.
 * Autolycus: Think nothing of it, my dear. Why, the world is just a chaotic stage, just teaming with activity. A little bump-and-grind here and there is to be expected.
 * Cupcake: Well, gee-- I never thought of it that way, Mister. I guess you're right.
 * Autolycus: Why, where are my manners? Huh! I forgot to introduce myself. Pharsiferus Von Baklava, Esquire, at your service.
 * Cupcake: Ahh! Golly! I have never had an esquire at my service before. I'm Cupcake. Oh-- is that your dog?
 * Autolycus: Why, yes it is. Cupcake, meet Creampuff. I named her after my greatest culinary creation.
 * Cupcake: You-- invented the Creampuff?
 * Autolycus: I certainly did. I own a string of bakeries all across Greece. Oh, gods forgive me, but I am a slave to my sweet-tooth.
 * Cupcake: Ahh-- you don't say.
 * Autolycus: Oh, I do-be-do-- but the money, the castles-- that can't mean a thing to me until I know all the animals of the world are safe and happy. I guess that's why I turned my gardens into a-- sanctuary for abused wildlife.
 * Cupcake: You mean-- you care about animals that much?
 * Autolycus: How could I not? Just look at that face.
 * Cupcake: Oooh.
 * Autolycus: There, there-- I rescued Creampuff, here, from a band of murderous pirates.
 * Cupcake: Oh, my. That sounds so dangerous.
 * Autolycus: It was, Cupcake-- very-- very dangerous.
 * Cupcake: Oh-- wow. It's not every day that I meet an-- animal-loving, dare-devil, pastry mogul with a sweet-tooth like mine.

Porkules [4.16]

 * Autolycus: Hercules! Ah, whatever your name is. What a pleasant surprise!
 * Hercules: I wish I could say the same, Autolycus. Isn't stealing the king's gold a little beneath you?
 * Autolycus: How good of you to notice. You see, I figure, every so often, a fella just has to go back to basics. Besides, the king, ahh, he's plenty rich. What about the needs of the people?
 * Iolaus: Oh, come on! You don't care about the people.
 * Autolycus: Of course, I do. I happen to be one of them. Well, as much as I've enjoyed this little reunion, I haven't enjoyed it that much. Good day.

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 * Hercules: Where's Artemis' bow?
 * Autolycus: Ah, my fame spreads like wildfire.
 * Iolaus: Nope, like a bad rash.

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 * Autolycus: Listen, you and I both know if the big guy could talk, he would tell us not to stick our necks out for him. Besides, he loves being a pig. Just look at the little guy. (Iolaus pushes him up against a tree)
 * Iolaus: This is all just a joke to you, isn't it?
 * Autolycus: You little— (Iolaus pushes him up against the tree again)
 * Iolaus: Well, let me tell you something, buddy. Hercules is the best friend I ever had. And yeah, you're right, he wouldn't want us to risk our necks to save him, which is exactly why we're going to. Now, he'd do the same for me – even for you.
 * Autolycus: Well, much as I hate to admit it, you've got a point.
 * Iolaus: Right. Now, come on.
 * Autolycus: Just one more thing, buddy-boy. You touch me again and I'll—
 * Iolaus: What?
 * Autolycus: I'll… be just as upset then as I am now?

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 * Iolaus: Yeah, you'd sell your own mother if the price was right.
 * Autolycus You better stop looking down your nose at me, Blondie. I've had it up to my mustache with your insults.
 * Iolaus: The truth hurts, doesn't it?
 * Autolycus: Yeah, so does my fist.

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 * Autolycus: You know, for your information, if you had trusted me back there, Hercules would be safe and sound right about now.
 * Iolaus: Yeah, or maybe you'da sold him off to the highest bidder.
 * Autolycus: Ha-ha-ha. You've got me all wrong, Curly. You know, I may be a thief, but there are some things that even I won't do.
 * Iolaus: Like what?!
 * Autolycus: Like… I won't drink red wine with fish.
 * Iolaus: Ah!
 * Autolycus: I won't eat the horse I rode in on. And I would never, never sell out a friend, which, of course, does not apply to you.

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 * Jason: Why is that pig dressed like Hercules?
 * Iolaus: Well—
 * Autolycus: Allow me to explain. You see, who's to say one lifestyle is better than another? Why, just the other day, I ran into a gnome – a little fella—
 * Iolaus: Will you shut up?!

<hr width="50%"/> (Discord has been transformed into a chicken by Artemis's bow)
 * Autolycus: What's the matter, Discord? Chicken?

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 * Iolaus: Unless you wanna be the god of gophers, you better make like a tornado and blow.
 * Ares: I won't forget this. You are on my list.
 * Iolaus: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Faith [5.01]

 * Iolaus: Where's Hercules?
 * Gilgamesh: The one god has been good to him.

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 * Gilgamesh: This is really gonna hurt.
 * Hercules: You took the words right out of my mouth.

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 * Gilgamesh: There's nothing you can do to stop Dahak from entering our world. It's his destiny!
 * Hercules: And it's my destiny to shut you up!

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 * (Iolaus has been stabbed in the chest by Gilgamesh)
 * Hercules: Hang in there, buddy.
 * Iolaus: Can't.
 * Hercules: Sure you can. Come on.
 * Iolaus: Hercules… (dies)
 * Hercules: Come on. Don't you give up on me. Come on. Come on! Don't you give up on me!

Darkness Rising [5.08]

 * Hercules: I don't know where you came from, Dahak, but you're not staying.
 * Dahak (in Iolaus's body): (cries) I come back all the way from the dead just to see you and this is the thanks I get!
 * Hercules: You may have his body, but you're not Iolaus.
 * Dahak: Really? Then who am I? Hmm, I guess this is a question everybody asks themselves sooner or later, don't ya think? Pity I had to die to find my answer. Still, better late than never, huh?

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 * Dahak (in Iolaus's body): You still don't believe it's me, do ya? Okay. Lemme tell ya a little story. It's the story of a time long ago. We open on our hero, Hercules. A broken man, a shell of his former self, he wanders the world aimlessly – grieving over the loss of his best friend, Iolaus. You see, he thought he'd stopped Dahak from entering the world, but… all Dahak needed was a warrior heart. So, when little Iolaus sacrificed himself for the fair maiden Nebula, Dahak had everything he needed! Theee enddddd! (beat) Or maybe it's only the beginning.

Let There Be Light [5.10]

 * Hercules: Olivia, you were my mother's best friend. You know me.
 * Olivia: I don't know who you are anymore. I'm just glad Alcmene isn't here to see what you've become.
 * Hercules: (to Dahak) This is round one. (walks away)

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 * Hercules: What have you done with the Olympians?
 * Dahak: The real question is, what have they done with themselves? They left before I arrived, but don't worry. I'll find them.

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 * Zarathustra: As long as we keep these two forces in balance, our world remains in a state of harmony. When Dahak entered this realm, the balance of power began to sway, and with each act of destruction—the death of the Sumerian gods, the death of the Druids-Dahak grew stronger.

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 * Dahak: If you don't kill me now, I'll take the whole world soul by soul!
 * Hercules: Oh, lighten up! (activates the Stone of Creation)

Redemption [5.09]

 * Dahak: I saw the Earth formed out of nothing. I brought the serpent of temptation into man's garden. I've even been known on occasion to turn entire oceans to sand in a single breath. I think it's safe to say I have the experience to know how this will turn out.

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 * Dahak: Zarathustra, I am so disappointed in you. We had an understanding. I gave you power beyond mortal limitation, but you turned into the worst kind of coward.
 * Hercules: Why? Because he refused to kill his family?
 * Dahak: You say "kill his family" as if that were a bad thing. The truth is, he didn't deserve them. Not much of a family man, are you, Zarathustra? If you were, you wouldn't have accepted me into your heart so greedily. But don't worry. Your failure is my success. And if it's any consolation, when I killed your family, I didn't give them a chance to scream.

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 * Hercules: Zarathustra saw his immortality as a curse. Releasing him was an act of mercy and, since you don't know the meaning of the word, I'd say I'm getting through to Iolaus.
 * Dahak: Uh-uh-uh. Zarathustra was the only one who knew how to perform the ritual. Now, it's just you and me... buddy. (laughs)

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 * Iolaus: Who are you?
 * Dahak: (in the form of Hercules) A fellow traveler who was prevented from completing his journey.
 * Iolaus: Dahak?
 * Dahak: Oh, I've been called many things.
 * Iolaus: Yeah, I can think of a few right now.

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 * Dahak: Optimism, Hercules, is the shield of fools. As long as people allow themselves to be ruled by their wills, there will always be those who take my path.
 * Hercules: But there'll be more than don't. There's something in everyone even you can't touch, Dahak: the impulse to create, to nurture life instead of destroy it. As long as it exists, I'll keep my optimism, thanks.

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 * Dahak: Time's up.
 * Hercules: You got that right!

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 * Zarathustra: You were right, Hercules. The impulse to create does have a name.

Fade Out [5.20]

 * Ares: The secret to understanding women is to realise that they don't actually need men.  Now, if they ever figure this out, it's a very sad day indeed.

Darkness Visible [6.4]

 * Vlad the Impaler: Can you blame the eagle for feeding off the field mouse? One cannot deny one's nature.