Home Improvement (TV series)

Home Improvement (1991–1999) was an American television sitcom series, airing on ABC, about an accident prone host of a Detroit, Michigan television program about tools, who raises his dysfunctional family.

Pilot

 * Jill: [about the dishwasher] You will not screw it up like you did the blender. End of discussion.
 * Tim: What's wrong with the blender? It's the only blender on the block that can puree a brick.


 * Jill: Tim, do you ever listen to me? It was the last thing that I said in bed to you last night.
 * Tim: No, I believe, if you recall, the last thing you said to me in bed last night was "no!"
 * Jill: You're thinking of tonight.

Mow Better Blues

 * Tim: In the shop, tape hangs on a hook, because it has a hole in it.
 * Jill: So does your head, it's not hanging on a hook.


 * Jill: [to Tim, after finding the missing wrench in the dryer] Do you want this on regular cycle or fluff?


 * Jill Taylor: (Finds Tim pretending to ride lawnmower like a motorcycle) So, what? Did you join Hells Gardeners?

Off Sides

 * Tim: [after opening a bag of chips and spilling them everywhere] There's a warning label right here. You shouldn't open these in broad daylight, in Detroit. It could cause an explosion!


 * Tim: Would It help if I said I was sorry?
 * Jill: It might.
 * Tim: I'm sorry.
 * Jill: It didn't.

Satellite on a Hot Tim's Roof

 * Jill: Tim, what do you actually know about installing a satellite dish?
 * Tim: It's simple. Mount it, point it straight up. Any man could do that.
 * Jill: Yeah, but it has to stay up longer than ten seconds.


 * Tim: However much I'm not jealous, I'm twice as much not insecure.
 * Wilson: Well, you should feel secure, Tim. You've got what every man dreams of.
 * Tim: A satellite dish!
 * Wilson: No, Tim. Three strapping boys, a nice home, and a loving wife.

Wild Kingdom

 * Jill: Will you go check the furnace, I think the pilot must be out.
 * Tim: Are you saying that lighting a pilot is a man's job?
 * Jill: No, I'm saying it's your job.


 * Mark: What are we gonna make?
 * Jill: I'm gonna have your whole Scout troop make paper-bag masks.
 * Mark: Is that all? Billy's mom helped us make a real tepee.
 * Jill: She did?
 * Mark: Yeah, and she made us beef jerky out of raw meat.
 * Jill: Billy's mom is a Stepford wife. You're getting pizza and paper-bag masks.

Adventures in Fine Dining

 * Jill: What are we gonna do about the boys' table manners?
 * Tim: You should give them a refresher course.
 * Jill: Me? What about you?
 * Tim: [with his mouth full] Honey, I'm a man. What do I know about manners?


 * Brad: Mom!
 * Jill: What?
 * Brad: Dad's cussing.
 * Tim: I'm not cussing.
 * Mark: He said a bad word.
 * Tim: It wasn't bad!
 * Randy: He said 'hell' and 'damn'.
 * Tim: I did not say 'damn'.
 * Randy: Now you did.


 * Jill: I'll be going upstairs now...
 * Tim: You want company?
 * Jill: No, just you.
 * Tim: [because the kids are asleep at the dinner table] Shouldn't we take the boys to bed?
 * Jill: Nah, leave them. It'll only take a minute, anyway...

Nothing More Than Feelings

 * Jill: [as the boys prepare to go to school] If you miss that bus, you'll be in big trouble!
 * Tim: Trouble already? Boys, pace yourselves, you've got all day to be evil. You don't wanna peak too soon.


 * Jill: I thought if there was a problem with the car, the light would get brighter, or there would be a buzzer.
 * Tim: A buzzer!? It's a car, not a game show!


 * Jill: Are you saying the car's not working?
 * Tim: We now own a 350-horsepower, 4-door, BOULDER!
 * Jill: So I can't drive it?
 * Tim: Not unless you're Wilma Flintstone!

Flying Sauces

 * Tim: I'm gonna make some of that four-star, happy trails, rootin'-tootin' chili of mine.
 * Jill: I don't know about the rootin', but there'll be plenty of tootin'.
 * Tim: You should consider yourself lucky I'm not making my rip-roarin' chili.


 * Jill: What are we going to do about Brad and Randy? They keep tormenting Mark.
 * Tim: That's why we had Mark, so they'd leave us alone.

Bubble, Bubble, Toil and Trouble

 * Jill: I thought you said it was a technical problem!
 * Tim: Technically, I was the problem.


 * Tim: We've talked about this long enough; I'm gonna put another sink in this room.
 * Jill: Oh, no no no no you're not.
 * Tim: It's not that big a job; it's a small job.
 * Jill: There is no such thing as a small job with you, Tim. First you'd start with the sink, and the next thing I'd know you'd be ripping out walls, and running a subway through here.
 * Tim: I'd give you free tickets!


 * [Tim wants to remodel the bathroom, on Tool Time.]
 * Tim: Let me do this for you.
 * Jill: Will Al be here?
 * Tim: I don't see what that has to do with anything.
 * Jill: Will Al be here?
 * Tim: I want you to understand something. Al is my assistant, he assists me.
 * Jill: Yeah, I know. Will he be here?
 * Tim: Probably, yes.
 * Jill: [getting excited] And I can have anything I want?
 * Tim: Anything you want!
 * Jill: Oh, what if I decide I just want you, right now?
 * Tim: Well, it'll be difficult without Al here to assist me!
 * [Jill falls apart laughing.]

Reach Out and Teach Someone

 * Jill: Why do they call it a monkey wrench?
 * Tim: They call it a monkey wrench because even a monkey can use it.


 * Brad: Dad, am I gonna be able to help you work on this thing?
 * Tim: You bet!
 * Jill: No, no, Brad, honey, you have to finish your homework.
 * Brad: Aww, man...!
 * Tim: No "aww man's." Do what she says, then you can help.
 * Brad: [dejected] Alright...
 * Tim: Hey Randy, did you do your homework?
 * Randy: Yeah.
 * Tim: Want to help?
 * Randy: No.
 * Tim: Where did I go wrong with him?
 * Jill: Don't worry about it, he's not yours.

Look Who's Not Talking

 * Tim: We are enlightened men, and enlightened men share the household responsibilities, right?
 * Mark: What's 'enlightened'?
 * Randy: It means 'scared of Mom'.


 * Tim: [about the vacuum] On the outside, it maintains that feminine allure. On the inside, I've doubled its chromosome count.


 * Brad: I don't have a woman.
 * Mark: I have a woman, Mommy.
 * Randy: Your Mom can't be your woman, doofus!
 * Tim: Lots of guys pay psychiatrists a lot of money to figure that one out.

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 * Tim: The first time I did Tool Time, I was really nervous. So I imagine the audience was just one guy.
 * Jill: The first time you did Tool Time, there was only one guy.
 * Tim: Yeah, but I pictured him in his underwear.
 * Jill: He WAS in his underwear!
 * Tim: He was NOT!

Yule Better Watch Out

 * Jill: (indicating Randy's flashy robes) This is Randy's costume, he's playing the innkeeper.
 * Tim: And where are Mary and Joseph staying this year, Caesar's Palace!?

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 * Jill: Randy's no longer playing the innkeeper, because he added some lines.
 * Brad: Yeah. He doubled the price of the room and asked the wise men for ID!
 * Randy: They made me a sheep.

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 * Mark: So Santa is alive?
 * Jill: Sure, you sat on his lap at the mall.
 * Mark: But there are a lot of malls. How could Santa be at every one?
 * Tim: He's really fast for a fat guy!

Up Your Alley

 * Tim: You can't help that you're a lousy bowler. You're a woman.
 * Jill: Boy, nothing gets by you, Tim.

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 * Jill: We're keeping score.
 * Tim: I thought you didn't want to keep score.
 * Jill: Oh, is the great big bad bowling man afraid his itty-bitty wife is going to beat him?
 * Tim: Is the itty-bitty wife afraid the big bad bowling man is going to leave her in the PARKING LOT?

For Whom the Belch Tolls

 * Tim: Today, we hung a storm door on an existing wood frame. Now, the important thing about putting a door in is hanging it, 'cause if it's not hung well, you got a problem. Right, Al?
 * Al: Speak for yourself, Tim.

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 * Tim: What are you doing?
 * Wilson: Oh, just pounding myself some horseshoes.
 * Tim: Wouldn't a pair of loafers be more comfortable?

Forever Jung

 * Tim: Pure power. You could saw through the refrigerator with this thing!
 * Jill: Wouldn't it be easier to open the door?

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 * Jill: [Tim has come home with a piece of table glued to his head] Wha-What is this thing on your head?
 * Tim: It's a little piece of table.
 * Randy: What happened?
 * Tim: Old Mr. Negativity, Al, distracted me and got my head cemented to this table. It took me a saber saw to get me off of this table.
 * Jill: Shouldn't you go to the emergency room?
 * Tim: I was just there. They said I wasn't a priority.
 * Jill: Why? Was there a guy with a whole table stuck to his head? [Jill and Karen laugh]
 * Tim: You notice, I'm not laughing.
 * Jill: (trying to regain composure) It's ok, we'll be good. Randy, s-s-set the table.
 * Randy: OK. Dad, bend over!

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 * Tim: [with a piece of table stuck to his head] I was trying to make a point on the show that men don't just destroy things with hammers and nails and tools.
 * Karen: No, they also glue.

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 * Karen: Do you move to New York or Seattle?
 * Tim: I think a lot depends on where you'll be living.

Jill's Birthday

 * Jill: If I have to tell you what to get, I might as well just go out and buy it myself.
 * Tim: Now you're talking.

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 * Tim: Mark and I were talking in the garage, do you guys know anything about a "little brother tax"?
 * Brad & Randy: No.
 * Tim: Maybe I should tell you about something called a "large angry father tax."

What About Bob?

 * Jill: [to Randy] Randall William Taylor, get out here now! I want to talk to you!
 * Tim: Wow, the middle name. He's in trouble!

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 * Jill: [about Bob Vila] Are you afraid that big bad Bob is going to make you look foolish?
 * Tim: Better men than him have made me look foolish. [pause] That didn't sound right, did it?

Baby, It's Cold Outside

 * Tim: Are you insinuating this is my fault?
 * Jill: I'm not insinuating. I'm saying it. It's your fault.

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 * Tim: [after putting out a fire] Who would have guessed that chrome cleaner could be so flammable?
 * Al: I suppose whoever put the warning on the label, Tim.

Unchained Malady

 * Al: I'm just saying that if you send that chain letter, you'll have better luck.
 * Tim: Al, listen. Having George Foreman on the show, that is good luck. Winning a shovel, that's not good luck. You do not have good luck.
 * Lisa: Al, Al, I almost forgot. The heat's broken in my apartment. Can I stay at your place tonight?

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 * Jill: In the past month, you have done the following things -- backed a pickup truck into a house, almost electrocuted yourself three times, nailed your shoe to the floor, and glued your head to a table.
 * Tim: What's your point?
 * Jill: My point is it's not the chain letter that's causing the bad luck, it's you. You're a klutz, isn't that great?
 * Tim: Honey, I'm thrilled.

Birds of a Feather Flock to Taylor

 * Eddie: [after his wife died] I was married to Tildy for 45 years, and the woman drove me absolutely crazy. She had these ugly little porcelain cats that she loved to line up on a window sill. Every day for 45 years, I used to take those cats off the window sill and put them in a cupboard. And every day for 45 years, she'd take the cats out of the cupboard and put them back on the window sill.
 * Tim: Where are they now?
 * Eddie: On a window sill.
 * Tim: You didn't throw them out?
 * Eddie: What for? [pause] You don't have to understand a woman. All you have to do is love her.

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 * Jill: Do you think that Tim is a good listener?
 * Wilson: Yes! I think Tim is a very good listener.
 * Jill: But does he understand everything you say?
 * Wilson: I think Tim is a very good listener.

A Battle of Wheels

 * Tim: What are you up to?
 * Wilson: Just painting a self-portrait.
 * Tim: Yeah? Of who?

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 * Tim: I'm your prisoner. Do what you will to me, over and over and over.
 * Jill: Let's face it, Tim, with you, when it's over, it's over.

Luck Be a Taylor Tonight

 * Robin: At least Tim helps you out around the house.
 * Jill: Well, of course he does. I trained him. If it weren't for me, he'd still be in the backyard eating out of a trough.

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 * [Jill wants to join the poker game]
 * Tim: Sorry, Jill, but to join this game, you need to be able to bench-press 150 pounds. [Al starts to get up] Al, sit down!

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 * Tim: You know, Charlie, she's gonna keep interrupting the game if you don't apologize.
 * Fred: Hey, never apologize. It's admitting you're wrong. I have never once apologized to any woman.
 * Tim: Freddie, how many times you been married?
 * Fred: Three.
 * Tim: Why do you suppose that is?
 * Fred: I can't find a woman who understands me.

Al's Fair in Love and War

 * Tim: And you'll notice Daddy-O here has a 20-gallon steel cylinder filled with propane. I've increased the outlet valve of this twice over. Which means we'll be cooking with what?
 * Randy: The Fire Department?

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 * Tim: I was a whiz in math when I was in school. Do you suppose they call those square roots because they're just not that cool?

Stereo-typical

 * Tim: We have a very special show for you today.
 * Al: Does that mean you're not going to break anything, Tim?
 * Tim: Maybe just your contract, buddy.

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 * Tim: Man's speakers, that's what I'm after. Speakers with attitude. Speakers that haven't shaved in a couple of days.

Read My Hips

 * Tim: If a woman holds up a stop sign, if she designed it, it would say "If you really knew me, you'd know what you should do right now."

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 * Tim: I didn't know you wanted me home right away.
 * Jill: Well, what did you think I meant when I said how I was looking forward to seeing you and [Saying seductively] "I'll be waiting."
 * Tim: Oh, what was that supposed to mean, "I'll be waiting?"
 * Jill: Well, I was trying to be more subtle! What did you want me to say, "The kids are gone, I'm home alone, come and take me Big Daddy"?
 * Tim: Well, that I understand.

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 * Tim: After all, a safe workplace is a happy workplace, isn't it?
 * Al: I wouldn't know, Tim.

Rites and Wrongs Of Passage

 * Mark: Hey Mom, did you get the notebooks?
 * Jill: Oh, yeah. Well, they didn't have any Terminator left, but they did have these two blank ones and this one. (Brad and Mark grab the blank ones, leaving Randy with the other one)
 * Randy: Mom, this one has a puppy and a rainbow on it!
 * Jill: It was either that or a ballerina and a pussycat.
 * Randy: Why don't you just pin a note on my back that says "Kick me and take my lunch money"? I can't take this to school!
 * Jill: Yes, you can. You can be creative. You can...you can draw a tank here at the end of the rainbow, and, like, some fighter planes dropping bombs on the little puppy.

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 * Jill: Tim, come on. Our son took a dissected frog and placed it on a lettuce leaf. (Tim laughs) It's not funny! This is serious! The principal ate it!
 * Tim: Well, it's a step up from those fish sticks they serve.

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 * Jill (about Tim's kilt): Hey, you look great.
 * Tim: You wouldn't be just teasing a gal, would you?

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 * Randy: (To Tim who's wearing a kilt) Hey Mom, where's Dad?

Overactive Glance

 * Tim: (about Barbara) I wasn't looking at her, I was looking past her.
 * Karen: Yeah, right into her water bed.

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 * Tim: What I did was just downright rude. It would be like burping in public.
 * Jill: Well, you do that all the time.
 * Tim: But not with other women!

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 * Tim: You had a bad day, we all have bad days.
 * Randy: There's a rumor going around that they're gonna make me a cheerleader.
 * Tim: Oh, no. Well, if that happens, make sure you get on the top of the pyramid. You don't wanna be on the bottom of that thing

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 * Jill: [She and Tim are eating in a restaurant, she notices a beautiful woman walk by and sit at the table behind Tim] Woah, baby! Bad news. This is not the night for you to give up looking at women.
 * Tim: Oh, and why is that, Jill?
 * Jill: Because this unbelievable young goddess just came in and sat right behind you.
 * Tim: Yeah, like I'm going to fall for that one. What is it, a 75-year old steelworker? "Hey Marge, they got no beer here!"
 * Jill: Not exactly, Tim.
 * Tim: Oh, so she's the "Va-Va, Voom" type?
 * Jill: Well, as a matter of fact, she's got great "Va-Va's" and a darn good "Voom."

Groin Pains (aka Groin Pulls)

 * Jill: When he was in that Christmas play, all the other kids just stood up on the stage, Randy... STOOD UP, ON THE STAGE!
 * Tim: Well, he gets that from you, honey. 'Cause you don't just burn meatloaf, you BURN MEATLOAF!

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 * Jill[explaining her trashy romance novels]: I know it seems silly, but some of these are very well-written.
 * Tim: Really? [reading from the book, in a deep voice] Her heart stood still as Derek swept her into his arms. His sinewy biceps rippled as he carried her up the STAIRS, to a NIGHT, of ETERNAL ECSTASY! Oh, PLEASE!
 * Jill[embarassed]: Okay, so I enjoy cheap romance and drama.
 * Tim: Fine. I'll bring some hand puppets to the bedroom.

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 * [Tim has just dropped a heavy trunk in the garage, and is moaning in pain]
 * Mark: Do you have to go to the bathroom, Dad?
 * Tim: I don't think I'm EVER going to the bathroom again.
 * Mark: What happened?
 * Tim[strained]: I pulled my GROIN!
 * Mark: What's that?
 * Tim: My very favorite muscle.

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 * Tim(to Al): So, we're going to have to change the format of the show today. YOU are gonna have to do ALL the work.
 * Al: And what would the change be, Tim?

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 * Tim: Is there anything you DON'T know, Wilson?
 * Wilson: I don't know.

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 * Tim: You see, after thirteen years of marriage . ..
 * Jill: Fourteen!

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 * Randy: (after the play) I saw Jennifer looking at me.
 * Brad: She wanted to know where you bought your tights.

Heavy Meddle

 * Tim: [Catches Brad with the garden hose] What did I tell you about water balloons?
 * Brad: Fill 'em up real full so they bust on contact?
 * Tim: [Grins deviously] That's right!

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 * Jill: Wilson, do you think humans are more important than machines?
 * Wilson: Without a doubt. Although, I am awfully fond of my waffle maker.
 * Jill: Well, could you please tell that to the knucklehead I'm married to?
 * Wilson: Oh, he knows. He's had my waffles.

The Haunting of Taylor House

 * Jennifer: [Upset that Brad didn't pick her for his kickball team] You can be so dense.
 * Brad: Hey, I may dense, but my team won!

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 * Jill: [Hurrying to the bathroom] Move it, atom boy!

Roomie for Improvement

 * Tim: If I ever said it was hard living with you, just say one word: Al.
 * Jill: It's that bad, huh?
 * Tim: His mother recorded his whole life on videotape. Last night, it was three hours of "Muskie Fishing with Uncle Phil." Did you know that in the seventh grade, he built a replica of the Washington Monument out of popsicle sticks?
 * Jill: Lots of kids do stuff like that.
 * Tim: It was life-sized.

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 * Tim: Al, you can't end it like this. We've had a relationship for three years.
 * Al: It's over between us.
 * Tim: Al, open the door.
 * Al: No! You should never have made that recording of me in bed!

May the Best Man Win

 * [Al's wearing a loud-colored Hawaiian shirt]
 * Tim: What the hell are you wearing?
 * Al: Mo says sometimes I tend to blend into the background.
 * Tim: You're supposed to blend into the background!

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 * Jill: Well, who the hell does she think she is?
 * Tim: Maureen Binford.
 * Jill: Wait a minute, is she the one that always comes to the Halloween party dressed as a hacksaw?
 * Tim: Yeah.
 * Jill: Little red-headed thing, about this big?
 * Tim: Yeah.
 * Jill: I can take her.

Where There's a Will, There's a Way

 * Tim: Why do you always bug me during the football game? Did I bug you during childbirth?
 * Jill: No, but you bugged me during conception.

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 * Mark: But Mom, they were gonna play with me.
 * Jill: Mark, when Brad and Randy say they want to play with you, always ask yourself "what do they want to do to me?".

Bell Bottom Blues

 * Tim: All this week, Al and I will be doing our salute... [Tim and Al salute, following by sound of tools dropping] ...to toolboxes. You know, a well-organized toolbox says a lot about you as a man. [Al snickers as Tim sets his normal-sized toolbox next to Al's larger toolbox] What is it, Al?
 * Al: Uh...nothing, Tim.
 * Tim: What is it, Al?
 * Al: Well, I...I was just noticing how much bigger mine is.
 * Tim: You have to have a bigger toolbox to compensate for your teensy, weensy paycheck.
 * Al: No, Tim, I need a bigger toolbox because I'm your assistant, [opens toolbox] and I need to be ready for any of your particular needs.
 * Tim: Oh, yeah, he does. Ho ho ho ho ho. You're really shaping up around here, Al.
 * Al: Well, I have plenty of room in here for [pulls out the following] bandages, couple of ice packs.
 * Tim: Stop it, Al. Cut it out.
 * Al: Oh, tourniquet.
 * Tim: I hope you have a job application in there.
 * Al: Crutches.
 * Tim: [bewildered] Huh?!
 * Al: IV unit.

You're Driving Me Crazy, You're Driving Me Nuts

 * Tim: There's a sign right there, what does it say?
 * Jill: "Welcome to...[glares at Tim] OHIO!"
 * Tim: ...Guess we don't need that Michigan map, do we?

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 * Jill: I'm so glad I didn't let anybody talk me out of marrying you.
 * Tim: Who tried to talk you out of marrying me?
 * Jill: Oh, nobody, just...[Takes a bite of cake] My mother, my father, my sisters, the minister, the postman, some guy down at the post office...

Ex Marks the Spot

 * Tim: Jill met my girlfriend.
 * Wilson: Well, I can't say that I approve of that.
 * Tim: No, my old high-school girlfriend.
 * Wilson: Oh.
 * Tim: She's kind of annoyed about something I didn't do years ago.
 * Wilson: A sin of omission.
 * Tim: It wasn't that bad. When I broke up with this girl, I never called to tell her.
 * Wilson: So, you lied to her?
 * Tim: No.
 * Wilson: Well, according to Robert Louis Stevenson, you did. He said, "The cruelest lies are often told in silence."
 * Tim: Hm. But didn't Calvin Coolidge say nothing he never said ever did him any harm?
 * Wilson: Very good. Thomas Mann once said, "A harmful truth is better than a useful lie."
 * Tim: Not bad. Wait, wait, wait! Turkish proverbs was, "He who tells the truth will be chased out of nine villages."
 * Wilson: Excellent. But I believe the final word would be Heywood Broun. "For truth there is no deadline."
 * Tim: Oh, that's three to two. You beat me, Wilson.

Cast

 * Tim Allen - Tim Taylor
 * Patricia Richardson - Jill Taylor
 * Zachary Ty Bryan - Brad Taylor
 * Jonathan Taylor Thomas - Randy Taylor
 * Taran Noah Smith - Mark Taylor
 * Earl Hindman - Wilson
 * Richard Karn - Al Borland
 * William O'Leary - Marty Taylor
 * Pamela Anderson - Lisa
 * Debbe Dunning - Heidi
 * Blake Clark - Harry Turner