Home Movies (TV series)

Home Movies (1999–2004) is a dialogue-driven animated series about 8-year-old Brendon Small (voiced by the creator, head writer, and lead musician of Home Movies, Brendon Small), who makes films with his friends, Melissa Robbins and Jason Penopolis, in his spare time. He lives with his divorced mother, Paula, and his adopted baby sister, Josie. He is also friends with his alcoholic, short-tempered soccer coach, John McGuirk.

Get Away From My Mom [1.01]

 * Coach McGuirk: I've got trademark products all over my body because I was drunk one night. Don't live like me.


 * Coach McGuirk: You know, I mean, uh, kids don't want to do anything. You know, in my experience, Paula? Kids are always like "I don't wanna do that!" I consider my job to kinda twist them in the direction of doing stuff. I mean that's what coaching's all about. That's why I love it. Every day I go out there and I twist the kids into doing something they don't wanna do!

I Don't Do Well In Parent-Teacher Conferences [1.02]

 * Coach McGuirk: You know Lynch, uh, it's funny when I talk to you, I get a little uncomfortable because I feel like you're being condescending to me, and I hope that's not the case, because if it is, I'm gonna kick your ass, and if it isn't, let's clear it up right now. So, you can tell me whether you're being condescending to me whenever we speak, and if you say yes, I'm gonna beat you up right here in the faculty lounge, and if you say no then I'm going to, uh, say, "Fine." Alright? You being condescending right now?
 * Mr. Lynch: Hmm.


 * Jason: Excuse me, monster coming through. Coming through, how you doin'?
 * Melissa: Aim for his heart. Aim for his heart!
 * Brendon: Fire!
 * Jason: Ahhh!
 * Melissa: Direct Hit.
 * Jason: Ahh! Maybe you should look at yourself before you take it out on me. I'm just one monster and when I'm gone! You'll remember me! Ooow! Oww! And then you'll have to at yourselves. And own up to what you've done. For isn't every man a monster!
 * Brendon: I guess he's right! I guess we're all!
 * Jason: Your're damn right I'm right!
 * Brendon: Yea Yeah I know!
 * Jason: Stop shooting!
 * Brendon: Ok! Hey guys!
 * Jason: Don't you realize that if you stop now I might be able to get surgery!
 * Brendon: Uhh yeah I'm going to tell them hold on.
 * Jason: Tell the guy that's shooting to stop shooting!
 * Brendon: Who's shooting!?!
 * Jason: Oh for god's sakes, tell 'em to stop!
 * Brendon: I'm trying!
 * Jason: I mean hello!
 * Brendon: I know!
 * Jason: Do you have any control of your people!?!?!
 * Brendon: I..I Who's shooting?!? Please stop!
 * Jason: Ah forget it, leave him alone. I'll just die!

The Art Of The Sucker Punch [1.03]

 * Brendon: I'd like to make an appointment, with you if you're free, on Wednesday.
 * Shannon: About what time?
 * Brendon: I'm thinking maybe 3:30. Alright keep that open.
 * Shannon: What's this about?
 * Brendon: I'm going to pound the crap out of you.


 * Jason: What happens after you punch his butt a second time?
 * Brendon: I'm gonna probably kick him.
 * Jason: Kick him! Where you gonna kick him?
 * Brendon: I'm gonna go for the butt again.
 * Jason: Okay. Let's get away from the butt.

Yoko [1.05]

 * Brendon: So I just feel like I'm in the way... of Mitch & Lonny.
 * Paula: Brendon.
 * Brendon: Yeah?
 * Paula: You're 8 years old. You need to remember to bring your homework folder to school everyday. You need to remember to wash your hands before you eat your breakfast, lunch, dinner & snack. And you need to worry about all this...


 * Melissa:  Do you want to hear about how great they are together?
 * Brendon:  I WANT TO KNOW WHY THEY PICKED ME TO PLay this trick on, this joke.
 * Melissa:   It wasn't a joke.
 * Brendon:   I got played by both of them and you know what sister? DONT PLAY ME! Dont play Brendon Small because he dont like that stuff.
 * Melissa:   You were playing the game of love and when you play the game of love someone always  get's hurt.
 * Brendon:   I'm turning my chips in, you know why?
 * Melissa:   Because you lost?
 * Brendon:   NO I QUIT!
 * Melissa:   You forfeit?
 * Brendon:   I fold!  I know what my cards are and you know something? I DONT HAVE A GOOD HAND!

Director's Cut [1.06]

 * Jason [As Louis Braille]: I'm going to get a house with a nice view of the ocean.
 * Brendon [As Louis Pasteur]: But you're blind.
 * Jason: Well, my entire family isn't blind. Did you ever think of that?
 * Brendon: Sorry, I don't know what I was thinking.


 * Brendon [As Louis Pasteur]: We are two great men from France, both named Louis!

It Was Supposed to be Funny [1.07]

 * McGuirk:Then there’s nice funny--like maybe a little light sarcasm or a clever twist or a knock-knock joke. I like those. You like those?
 * Brendon: Um…
 * McGuirk: Knock-knock.
 * Brendon: Huh.
 * McGuirk: Brendon. Knock-knock. I’m doing a knock-knock joke. Knock-knock.
 * Brendon: Uh, hello.
 * McGuirk: what do you mean, hello? You say who’s there? Brendon. Do you knock a knock-knock joke?
 * Brendon: Yeah, uh…
 * McGuirk: I say knock-knock you say who’s there?
 * Brendon: Yeah, right. I’m not a big fan of…
 * McGuirk: You know what? Do it. Knock-knock.
 * Brendon: Who’s there?
 * McGuirk: No, wait a minute, you say knock-knock.
 * Brendon: I don’t…knock-knock.
 * McGuirk: Who’s there?
 * Brendon: I don’t know.
 * McGuirk: I don’t know who?
 * Brendon: I don’t know, I hate this joke.
 * McGuirk: That’s not funny. It’s got to be a pun or something. You know what? Forget it. Where was I? Oh, yeah, nice funny.


 * McGuirk: Hey, ladies, uh, my name is John McGuirk. I, uh, am a professional soccer coach at the elementary school level and I own a nice car though I do not currently have legal access to it. Um, as you can see, I used to be in good shape and, uh, in the last two years I’ve successfully completed four out of five rehab programs. The kind of woman I’m interested in is the one, I guess, who’s still watching this video.
 * Brendon: Cut. I’m going to stop you right there.
 * McGuirk: What’s? That was, uh, that was not good or…
 * Brendon: We got it. We got this.
 * Erik: I think you nailed it.

Life Through A Fish Eye Lens [1.09]

 * Brendon: You ever heard the phrase "Slipped him a Mickey"? As in: Somebody just slipped that guy a mickey, and now everything looks weird to him.

School Nurse [1.10]

 * Jason: Nurse, beautiful swan.

Mortgages And Marbles [1.11]

 * Paula: Oh, oh, is she okay? What is that strange wheezing noise?


 * Doctor: Oh, uh, that's called mouth-breathing. Most children do it, and will continue to do so for the rest of their lives.

Law & Boarders [1.12]

 * Judge: So you were riding your bike on the wrong side of the street. What were you thinking, Brendon?
 * Brendon: Nothing. Oh, wait, I was trying to remember the name of the guy who played Tron, in Tron.


 * [As part of his court-ordered video essay, Brendon films Melissa and Jason in a dramatic re-enactment of the accident. Melissa and Jason are in a cardboard box car]
 * Melissa: I love this new car.
 * Jason: Me too. Do you know what else I love?  You.
 * Melissa: Yeah... We should run over some children.
 * Jason: Yes! Let's go kill children.
 * Melissa: Yeah! Look!  There's one riding towards us now.
 * Jason: Well put your seat-belt on. Let's see what this baby can do!
 * [After running Brendon over with the cardboard-box-car, Melissa and Jason stand over him]
 * Melissa: Is he still alive?
 * Jason: Yeah. Hey, go in the trunk, Hotstuff, and go get daddy the bat.
 * Melissa: Sure thing!
 * Jason: We'll finish him off.

Brendon's Choice [1.13]

 * Melissa Robbins: You had an affair? And now she's trying to kill us? How could you?
 * Brendon: I'm sorry.
 * Melissa Robbins: Who is she?
 * Brendon: Just some woman.
 * Melissa Robbins: Is it because I'm fat?
 * Brendon: No... In fact, she's fat too.


 * [Brendon, Melissa and Jason have won a trophy for Best Young Filmmakers of the Year]
 * Brendon: All right, uh, so I'll keep it for the first day, Melissa, uh, keeps it for the second
 * day, and Jason will keep it for the third day, and we'll keep doing it like that for...
 * the rest of our lives.
 * Melissa Robbins: Okay.
 * Jason: What if, um, one of us gets hit by a car and then it gets mangled?
 * Brendon: Then you miss your turn.

Politics [2.01]

 * Shannon: Why is Brendon resigning?
 * Melissa: Because he knows it wasn't a fair election, Shannon. You beat up Thurmond and stuffed the ballot boxes and threatened everybody.
 * Shannon: No, I didn't.
 * Melissa: You didn't?
 * Shannon: No.
 * Melissa: Then what happened to Thurmond Thackeray?
 * Shannon: I don't know, maybe he fell. He's a stupid, clumsy kid.
 * Brendon: [on stage]] And so now I turn the office of the presidency over to the man who should have won. Ladies and gentlemen, Thurmond Thackeray.
 * [Thurmond walk onto the stage, trips and falls off the stage.]
 * Melissa: Well, look at that.
 * Jason:: He's not getting up.


 * Brendon: Any questions? Anybody have any requests?
 * Female Student: Can we get pizza more?
 * Brendon: "Pizzamore"! I have no idea what that means. Next question!
 * Male Student #2: Is ketchup a vegetable?
 * Brendon: Very good question. Ketchup is actually a fruit. It's a magical fruit...from outer space! Next question.
 * Male Student: You suck!
 * Brendon: Looks like we have a heckler in the audience! Why don't I take off my head and remove my brain, and we'll start out as equals, huh? Hello?
 * Male Student #3: Shut up!
 * Brendon: I don't think that's a question.

Identifying a Body [2.02]

 * Coach John McGuirk: This sausage is probably eighteen years old... This sausage could vote. It could go to war and die for its country.


 * Coach John McGuirk: He left me a frozen sausage that's what you're telling me...oh my life.

The Party [2.05]

 * Melissa: Jason, what are you getting Fenton for his birthday?
 * Brendon: Oh, right, Fenton's party.
 * Jason: Um...I got him an eraser. It's looks like, um, a little football.
 * Brendon: It sounds great.
 * Jason: It has a dual function.
 * Melissa: What does it do other than erase?
 * Jason: You can play catch with it.
 * Melissa: Oh...
 * Brendon: You can almost do that with anything.
 * Jason: But it's shaped like a football, Brendon.
 * Brendon: Melissa, what did you get him.
 * Melissa: I got him a CD.
 * Jason: That's stupid.
 * Melissa: You could also play catch with it.


 * Melissa: Stop it, Jason. you've had enough. You're embarrassing me.
 * Jason: (mocking) Stop it, Jason. you've had enough.
 * Melissa: You're embarrassing yourself.
 * Jason: You're embarrassing me. You're embarrassing me.
 * Melissa: Keep your voice down.
 * Jason: Keep your voice down, Melissa.
 * Melissa: My voice is down.
 * Jason: Well, mine's down, too, then!
 * Melissa: Jason, everyone's staring.
 * Jason: Nobody's staring at me. People are staring at you and your stupid rich-bitch dress.
 * Melissa: Jason, you've had enough.
 * Jason: I know when I've had enough, Melissa, all right? And I certainly haven't had enough. The only thing I've had enough of is you.
 * Melissa: I'm just trying to help you.
 * Jason: (grabs Melissa) Oh, my god, help me. Help me, Melissa.
 * Melissa: (hugs Jason) I'll help you, Jason.
 * Fenton's Mom: (holding a bowl of gummy bears) More candy, kids?
 * Jason: I gotta go. ''(grabs the bowl of gummy bears)

Dad [2.07]

 * Andrew: Oh, by the way, we're going to meet my girlfriend Linda at the zoo, since you've agreed to go to the zoo.
 * Brendon: What, is she one of the exhibits?
 * Andrew: Let me tell you something, she could be.
 * Brendon: Is she an animal?
 * Andrew: No, you're not kidding.


 * Linda: [in her underwear] Why didn't you wake me?
 * Andrew: Uh, Linda, could you get a robe on or something?
 * Brendon: Good morning to me!
 * Linda: You were supposed to wake me at 7:45.
 * Andrew: I did.
 * Linda: Yeah, well, you didn't do a very good job of it. It's 8:30!
 * Andrew: I know, but--
 * Linda: I've got to be at the cancer institute at 9:00!
 * Andrew: I'm sorry, I guess you fell back to sleep.
 * Linda: Oh, so you're only going to wake me once, is that it? I get one shot and that's it. Thanks a lot. Now I gotta rush. Great. I'm going to have a fun day at the cancer institute.

Therapy [2.08]

 * Jason: I hate my acting. It's horrible.
 * Melissa: You think you're bad. What about me? I couldn't act my way into a paper bag. Into.
 * Brendon: Are you guys serious? My acting sucks on ice. What was I doing up there? That was not acting, that's for sure.
 * Jason: Brendon, why don't you put some extra bait on that hook.
 * Melissa: Yeah, and don't forget your tackle box for your compliment fishing trip.
 * Brendon: I thought we were all fishing for compliments. That's what we were--oh, forget it.


 * Paula: But are you learning anything? I mean, psychology can be kind of interesting.
 * Brendon: Well, I learned that "should" is a word I shouldn't use.
 * Paula: Why shouldn't you?
 * Brendon: I don't know. Because it makes the doctor mad. He should lighten up a little.
 * Paula: Maybe you should lighten up a little.
 * Brendon: Maybe you should go to therapy with Linda.
 * Paula: Maybe she should lighten up a little.
 * Brendon: Maybe everybody should lighten up a little.
 * Paula: What should we have for dinner?
 * Brendon: We should have pizza.
 * Paula: We should have salad, too.
 * Brendon: You should have salad.
 * Paula: Maybe Linda should have salad?
 * Brendon: I feel that it would be in her best interest.
 * Paula: Should be in her best interest.
 * Brendon: What do you mean? Whose best interest?
 * Paula: The salad.
 * Brendon: The salad is in Linda's best interest?
 * Paula: No, the pizza's in the salad's best interest...the point is, Brendon, you don't have to go to therapy. But I think a person like you really should.

Class Trip [2.09]

 * Clarisse: My girlfriend and I were born on the same exact day.
 * McGurik: Well, that's exciting? What day was that, D-Day?
 * Clarisse: No. You're funny.
 * McGurik: Yes, I am.
 * Clarisse: My boyfriend could get really jealous of you.
 * McGurik: Uh-huh. Look, little mama, let me tell you something, all right? I'm here to do my time, make my money, and that's it. I can't possibly get involved with a coworker. That would be wrong. Plus, how old are you?
 * Clarisse: 18.
 * McGurik: I could potentially get involved with a coworker.


 * [In front of a coffee shop]
 * Brendon: This is the perfect place to shoot the final scene.
 * Melissa: Let's go back to the hotel.
 * Brendon: No, no, no. It's fine. Plus I have to pee, so...
 * Melissa: Hold your breath.
 * Jason: Uh, I think that only works for hiccups.
 * Melissa: It works for pee, too.

History [2.10]

 * Picasso: Look, we're being watched by Starboy and the Captain of Outer Space.
 * Annie: Then they must know of our plan.
 * Washington: Not to worry, my evil ones, we've yet to reveal our biggest secret. Bring in the hostages!
 * William Shakespeare [played by Walter]: I'm Shakespeare.
 * Oliver Twist [played by Perry]: And I'm Oliver Twist.
 * The Mermaid Queen [played by Junior]: And I'm the Mermaid Queen.
 * All: Help us!
 * Picasso: Yes, if anything should happen to us while we innocently destroy the human race, the hostages get it! And we start with Shakespeare.
 * Shakespeare: No! I'm too young, and I'm still writing my masterpiece called Katz.
 * Annie: And you'll be next, Oliver Twist.
 * Oliver: Fine with me.
 * [Oliver starts laughing, Shakespeare and The Mermaid Queen also starts laughing]
 * Annie: Silence!
 * Washington: And finally you, the mermaid.
 * The Mermaid Queen: But I no do nothing wrong and neither do the other four.
 * Oliver: The other two.
 * Shakespeare: Three.
 * The Mermaid Queen: The other...
 * Annie: Two.
 * The Mermaid Queen: Two? I'm sorry, I have trouble with the mathematics. Look, I am just saying, please don't kill The Mermaid Queen!
 * Washington: You interfere and they get it! Understand, Starboy?


 * [After seeing the end of the movie]
 * Paula: Foremothers, huh?
 * Brendon: Yeah, I wanted to be equal.
 * Paula: Yeah.
 * Brendon: Did you enjoy it?
 * Paula: Mm...yes. It was a little confusing.
 * Brendon: Well, it's the kind of movie you have to watch a few times to totally get.
 * Paula: I'm sort of concerned, though, about your brains.
 * Brendon: What about them?
 * Paula: I'm concerned that they might have been damaged.
 * Brendon: Oh, so, you've seen my test.
 * Paula: I don't think that counted as a test, because in a test, you're supposed to answer the questions.
 * Brendon: I know.
 * Paula: You did not answer the questions.
 * Brendon: I know.
 * Paula: Though you did diagram the sentences of the questions...
 * Brendon: Yeah.
 * Paula: Which you did wrong.
 * Brendon: Am I in trouble?
 * Paula: Well, the bad news is you are grounded.
 * Brendon: What's the good news?
 * Paula: I'm not letting you use your camera for a week.
 * Brendon: I think that's still bad news.
 * Paula: Trust me. That is good news.

Writer's Block [2.11]

 * McGuirk: DVD PLAYER!!!!


 * Walter and Perry: we hate fenton, we hate fenton.


 * Students: he was a good test subject...I'll call the cops.

Pizza Club [2.12]

 * Andrew: How's the documentary?
 * Brendon: Good.
 * AndrewHow's Cynthia?
 * Brendon: Hates me.
 * Andrew: Good, everything seems to be in order then.
 * Brendon: Actually, the way I had it originally planned is that she would like me instead of hate. I somehow mixed it up.
 * Andrew Ah.
 * Brendon: Yeah.
 * Andrew: You accidentally made her hate you instead of like you?
 * Brendon: Yes I must have mixed something up.
 * Andrew: Hmm, sometimes that happens, a classic problem. Did you uh, try too hard around her?
 * Brendon: Yes, I tried very hard, I tried very, very hard.
 * Andrew: It didn’t work? Have you been acting weird around her?
 * Brendon: Yes!
 * Andrew: Unnatural? Did you try acting unnaturally?
 * Brendon: Yes! I rehearsed.
 * Andrew: Right. Did you blurt stuff out you didn’t mean?
 * Brendon: Yes! I figured, I’m gonna make myself more memorable.
 * Andrew: Mmhmm, right. So she’s never seen you relaxed?
 * Brendon: No, she’s never seen me-No. And she still hates me!
 * Andrew: Hmm, well have you told her how you feel about her?
 * Brendon: Hahahahaha, that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.

The Wedding [2.13]

 * Andrew: It looks more like i'm going to my prom than my wedding.


 * Brendon: Yeah. So you're thinking the green ones, with the big ties--those are better?

<hr width="50%"/>
 * McGuirk: You wanna know what a real rash is? I'll tell you! You get a rash somewhere on your body. It hurts so bad that YOU GO BLIND. You blow up like a balloon...end up looking like a circus freak. Next thing you know, you're IN THE CIRCUS. Touring, making good money. You know my life.

Shore Leave [3.01]

 * [Melissa is in the mall selling items in her Fairy Princess costume.]
 * McGuirk: Give me those wings.
 * Melissa: No, I'll get in trouble. Coach, please.
 * McGuirk: No. Coach wants to fly away.
 * Melissa: Coach, are you drunk?
 * McGuirk: Yeah, that's why I came to the mall.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * {Melissa, Jason and Brendon are in their movies about two mates and a captain on shore leave, with Melissa as the captain}
 * Melissa: I gots a better idea what we can do! Let's punch out some scumsuckers, and get drunk, and pee out the window! Then seduce women! Lots of women! Arrgh!
 * Jason: What window?

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do [3.02]

 * Paula: And get my wallet and checkbook, they're in the third drawer--


 * Brendon: I know where they are mother!


 * Paula: Brendon how do you know where my wallet and checkbook are?


 * Brendon: ...what?


 * Paula: How do you know where my wallet and checkbook are?


 * Brendon: ...Brendon can't come to the uh, hallway, right now...


 * Paula: Explanation please!


 * Brendon: uhh...you know we really should think about calling the fire department.

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 * Paula: Well I just off the phone with dad--he's really broken up about this.


 * Paula's Mother: Oh please, the only way to break that man's heart would be to whack it with a sledge-hammer... or take away his anti-depressants. Let's get something to eat, I'm starved!

Bad Influences [3.03]

 * Jason: Makes me hungry just thinking about all the heat.
 * Brendon: MAKES ME HUNGRY HOT!
 * Jason: Damn hungry hot.
 * Brendon: Damn Chips...

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 * Brendon: Jason, I'm going to leave you.
 * Jason: No. Brenden, no.
 * Brendon: We have to leave each other.
 * Jason: No, Brenden, we only have each other. And food.
 * Brendon: Jason, we have to leave each other. We can't do this anymore.
 * Jason: [sighs]

Renaissance [3.06]
Melissa: "Jason, aren't you more interested in the history of medieval times? I mean, it really happened."

Jason: "So did the sci-fi stuff."

Melissa: "When, in the future?"

Jason: "No! That's why you don't understand it. It's already happening."

My Cheatin' Heart [3.07]

 * Jason: Sucks this. Get it? It's backwards for "this sucks."

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 * Melissa: Do you think I'm a horrible person?
 * Jason: No, I think you're very pretty
 * Melissa: I don't mean horrible to look at, I mean horrible because you're my sister's fiance and we just had an affair.
 * Jason: Oh, then yeah.

Guitarmageddon [3.08]

 * McGuirk: What the hell is wrong with you people. Are you on drugs?
 * Brendon: No.
 * Melissa: No.
 * McGuirk: With all the nicknames. What are those, drug nicknames?
 * Melissa: They're band nicknames.

Storm Warning [3.09]

 * Perry: Sounds trite.
 * Walter: Yeah, it sounds like it's been done before.
 * Paula: No, I don't think so...
 * Walter: Lame!
 * Perry: Double Lame-o!
 * Walter: Yeah!
 * Perry: Double Lame-O Donkey D*ck!
 * Walter: Sucking on the Witch's T*t!
 * (Walter and Perry embrace and fall down, laughing)

Time To Pay The Price [3.10]

 * [environmental film]
 * Melissa: [as a lumberjack] I'm going to chop you down, tree.
 * Brendon: [as a tree] Well, okay, but, um, don't, um, because what about the environment?
 * Jason: [as a skunk, moves from behind Brendon] Hello, I'm a skunk.
 * Brendon: Hello.
 * Melissa: Hello.
 * Jason: Hey, um, I mean, don't chop down the forest.
 * Melissa: Okay, I won't chop down the forest, just this tree.
 * Brendon: But I'm a tree, and I'm a house for birds and chipmunks and cats and dogs. And I can be useful for people, too. I can be made into wood...
 * Jason: Oh, man. Chop it down.
 * Melissa: I'm with you skunk.
 * Brendon: Hey, you guys suck.
 * Jason: Lumberjack.
 * Melissa: Yep?
 * Jason: Pass me that ax.
 * [chops Brendon down with the ax and falls down]
 * Brendon: [bleeding maple syrup] Aaaah! It hurts!
 * Melissa: You can't shut this one up.
 * Jason: Hope you learned your lesson, tree.
 * Jason & Melissa: It's time to pay the price.

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 * [prison film]
 * Jason: Well, we've done a lot of bad things, right, guys?
 * Melissa: Yes, we have. Yes, we have.
 * Brendon: And now we're here in jail.
 * Melissa: Yes, we are. We're here being punished.
 * Jason: And we hate it. But what can we do? We did wrong.
 * Brendon: We can't do anything. Justice has been done. It's time to...[mumbling] pop it pop...
 * Melissa: Yeah.
 * Jason: You speak the truth, my brother. It is time to...
 * Melissa: Time for that.
 * Jason: Yes, time to...
 * Brendon & Melissa: Pay the...
 * [all mumbling]
 * Jason: What time is it, actually?
 * Brendon: It's 2:30.
 * Jason: Yeah, I got to go home.
 * Brendon: Okay, fade to black. The End. Well, we tried.

Broken Dreams [3.11]

 * Brendan: (to Melissa) You read a book a month? Man, it would take me like a year to read a book a month.

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 * Coach McGuirk: (to Brendon) Quarter for the bus, quarter for the bus. The end. Hey Brendon, the end.

Coffins And Cradles [3.13]

 * Brendon: I'm leaving. Doctor, I'm sorry you had to see me this way.
 * Linda: Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
 * Brendon: What?
 * Linda: You heard me.
 * Brendon: No, I was outside. What?

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 * Coach McGuirk: Oh my god it's death!
 * Melissa: Coach it's me Melissa.
 * Coach McGuirk: Oh my god it's Melissa!
 * Melissa: This is my costume.
 * Coach McGuirk: Hey you know Melissa you shouldn't be walking around the hospital dressed as death.

Everyone's Entitled To My Opinion [4.01]

 * McGuirk: What else are ya gonna do, Lynch? Are you gonna spank me? Spank me.
 * Lynch: McGuirk...
 * McGuirk: [pulls down pants] Here. Here it is, spank it.

Camp [4.02]

 * Brendon: I can't believe the water is hotter than the air!
 * Jason: Don't talk Brendon, I'm peeing.

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 * McGuirk: Alright, look! Here's what i need. Food. Fast food, preferrably. Beer. Light Beer. Preferrably.
 * Brendon: Alright, Melissa, do you mind fake writing this down?
 * Melissa: Yeah.
 * Brendon: OK. Go ahead!
 * McGuirk: I need a satellite map of this entire area
 * Brendon: OK. Melissa write it down
 * Melissa: Got it.
 * McGuirk: I need some hair dye, a fake moustache, i need gunpowder..
 * Melissa: Coach, Would you settle for some marshmellows?
 * McGuirk: Oh you got marshmellows?
 * Melissa: We can get you some marshmellows.
 * McGuirk: Yeah! Ill take 'em. Hey!, lets make smores! You got graham crackers?
 * Melissa: No.
 * McGuirk: Sh*t.

Bye, Bye Greasy [4.03]

 * Fenton: He punched me.
 * Mr. Lynch: Who did?
 * Brendon: Fenton.
 * Fenton: Uh, me did. It's a lighting thing.

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 * McGuirk: Everybody move, I got to back up. [he backed up but got bumped by a box] Oh, my God. Somebody move that box over there! [He backs up again, but got bumped yet again] Oh, [censor beep] it. [he backs up again but this time the car hit down the stage]
 * Audience: [clapping]

The Heart Smashers [4.04]

 * Melissa: Okay good and action!
 * Jason: Wait. Let me get back in the shot.
 * Melissa: Sorry about that.
 * Jason: Okay and action!
 * Melissa: Wait. Cut, let me get rid of my gum. [throws her gum away] Action!
 * Fenton: Hey, I'm thirsty.
 * Melissa: Cut! Jason, could you get him something?
 * Fenton: Thank you. Jason.
 * Jason: No, Melissa you get him something.
 * Melissa: Jason, I asked you to get him something.
 * Jason: Well I'm telling you, you get...
 * Fenton: Someone get me a soda, please.
 * Jason: Right. Melissa go get him a soda.
 * Melissa: You get him a soda.
 * Jason: I'm not gonna.
 * Fenton: Please! Stop fighting and just get me a soda.
 * Melissa: You know, lets forget the soda and action!
 * Fenton: Oh, let's not forget the soda and get it!
 * Melissa: Get him soda.
 * Jason: You said action.
 * Fenton: Listen to my [making sounds with his tongue] drying mouth. [making sounds with his tongue]
 * Melissa: (sigh)

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 * Brendon: Well let's kill Simon and eat him.
 * Jason: Let's just kill someone.
 * Brendon: Yeah.
 * Jason: Yeah, I mean how many times do I have to hint.
 * Brendon: Okay, well we're all in on this you know that?
 * Jason: Thank you, I mentioned it like seven times.

The Wizard's Baker [4.05]

 * Eugene: We get trophy if we win race, at spaghetti dinner it is also award ceremony. Ha ha, I will be victorious over you.
 * Junior: There's something very diabolical and informative about Eugene.

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 * Jason: Naturally, our director is extremely busy. I'm sure-
 * Melissa: [on a telephone] I don't think he's coming.
 * Jason: Scurrying around the city finding new locations.
 * Melissa: [on a telephone] He's not coming!
 * Jason: Melissa, please.
 * Melissa: [hangs up the telephone] Our stupid director isn't coming.
 * Jason: Melissa, you're blowing the deal.
 * Melissa: Why me? It's stupid Brendon.
 * Jason: All right, I agree, he's stupid! You know something, this is stupid! [knocks a calculator off the table]
 * Melissa: Jason, you're blowing the deal!
 * Jason: No, I'm not, it's Brendon, Melissa!
 * Melissa: You're the one who dropped the baby.
 * Jason: So, it's a fat baby! How was I suppose to hold it? You try picking it up, Melissa!
 * Melissa: I'm not picking up fat babies, Jason.
 * Jason: What's the matter, Melissa, chicken to pick up a fat baby?! There it is, pick him up!
 * Melissa: That's it, I'm leaving!
 * Jason: Good-bye! [Melissa leaves, to investors.] I am so sorry for what you just witnessed. But I'd like to talk to you two about back end points.

Curses [4.07]

 * Coach McGuirk- I've got to agree with your mom, Brendon. Cursing is a sign of ignorance. [to referee] Oh [censor beep], ref! Please! [to Brendon] There's no place for cursing in a civilized society.

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 * Coach McGuirk: It's called creative use of words. It's like poetry. Robert Frost, stopping by the woods on a snowy [censor beep] evening. That kind of [censor beep].
 * Brendon: Yeah, that's good stuff.
 * Coach McGuirk: But it's my poetry. It's the everyday-man's poetry.
 * Brendon: Yeah, yeah.
 * Coach McGuirk: Alright, 'cause we can't find good metaphors like the woods... or the snow, or the horse or that kind of stuff. [to referee] Oh [censor beep]-ing [censor beep] me, ref!
 * Erik: Hey guys.
 * Coach McGuirk: Hey Erik. Want a [censor beep]-ing donut?

Honkey Magoo [4.08]
(Referring to the dog)
 * Jason : He's been splattering poop like a monkey's racehorse.

<hr width="50%"/> (referring to Taunto)
 * Coach McGuirk: Next time that thing comes near me, I'm gonna eat it. I'm serious!

Cho & The Adventures Of Amy Lee [4.10]

 * Perry: Chase the butterfly!
 * Walter: Smash the butterfly!


 * Melissa: Brendon, is your grandfather really dying?
 * Brendon: We're all dying, Melissa.

Definite Possible Murder [4.11]

 * Brendan:Did you just say "weeeow?"

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 * Melissa: That's insane you don't have any poof.
 * Brendon: Poof?
 * Melissa: Proof!

Temporary Blindness [4.12]

 * Doctor: Well what time is there?
 * McGuirk: What do you mean what time is it there??? What time zone are you in!!!
 * Doctor: Don't call this number again

<hr width="50%"/> (during his eye surgery)
 * McGuirk:- I smell burning eye.


 * McGuirk:- I hate ping-pong and too cool. I hate Mr Stingy too I'd like to kill the son of a bitch.

Focus Grill [4.13]

 * Jason: So are there any questions or comments?
 * Junior: Well, that was not so great, but it was better than that fairy princess bull-shit.
 * Melissa: Hey!
 * Fenton: Um, that's not a twist, it's just stupid.
 * Jason: Save it for the comment card Fenton.
 * Fenton: I'm sorry, but it was bad.
 * Brendon: Fenton, we know you have opinions, but if you could keep them to yourself that would be great.
 * Fenton: Well, what's the point of having a screening if we don't keep our opinions to ourselves. You just don't want to hear criticism that it was bad.
 * Walter: I have an idea! What if in the end me and Perry...
 * Perry: Uh huh.
 * Walter: Walk up to the front of the camera...
 * Perry: I like it, I like it.
 * Walter: And dance like this.
 * [They dance like the peanuts]

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 * Fenton: Don't touch me.
 * Junior: This guy needs to loosen up, and you know what I think Walter and Perry. MAKEOVER!
 * Walter: I hear that!
 * Perry: Me too.
 * Fenton: Don't touch my hair.
 * Junior: I've been looking at you this entire focus group Fenton, and I have to give you a facial scrub so bad.
 * Walter: And your hair needs some gel.
 * Perry: I want to pluck your eye-brows so bad.
 * Fenton: I don't even know what you guys are talking about you morons. Clean up your own backyards.
 * Walter and Perry: Clean up our own backyards?
 * Brendon: Get out of here!

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 * Brendon (as biker): I'm sick of findin' myself on the road. It's been takin' way too long. These hotels are too expensive - and I'm sick o' lookin' at the map and the road at the same time. I'll get killed if I keep doing that.
 * Melissa (as biker): I don't wanna find myself either. It's more interesting not knowing where I might be.
 * Jason (as biker): Maybe we should build a house together out of our bikes and random trash and live in it together, forever.

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 * Brendon: This is gonna sound really weird, guys. I don't - honestly - I don't think our movies should be watched.
 * Melissa: They shouldn't?
 * Brendon: No.
 * Melissa: Then why are we making them?
 * Brendon: I - I have...I have no idea why we make them. All I know is this: we keep coming here after school every single day... and we just keep doing it. And then, I dunno, its just - and then we just do it and then I guess it feels like we should just be doing it, I guess! I dunno!
 * Jason: Sigh, huh. Weird. Weird - we are...god, we're weird.
 * Melissa: What's wrong with us?
 * Brendon: I don't know!
 * Jason: We're weirdos!

Cast

 * Paula Poundstone - Paula Small (1999)
 * Brendon Small - Brendon Small, Dwayne, Walter, Ken and Junior Addleburg, various
 * H. Jon Benjamin - Jason Penopolis, Coach John McGuirk, Perry, Various
 * Melissa Bardin Galsky - Melissa Robbins, Various
 * Janine Ditullio - Paula Small (2001-2004)
 * Ron Lynch - Mr. Lynch
 * Jonathan Katz - Erik Robbins
 * Emo Phillips - Shannon
 * Eugene Mirman - Eugene
 * Louis C.K. - Andrew Small
 * Laura Silverman - Linda
 * Sam Seder - Fenton Mulley