Hot Tub Time Machine

Hot Tub Time Machine is a 2010 American comedy film directed by Steve Pink and produced by MGM/United Artists. Four guy friends, all of them bored with their adult lives, travel back to their 1980s teen-hood, courtesy of a time-shifting hot tub. It stars John Cusack, Rob Corddry, Craig Robinson, Clark Duke, Kellee Stewart, Lizzy Caplan, and Collette Wolfe. The film also features stars from 1980s films such as Chevy Chase, Crispin Glover and William Zabka.

Jacob

 * Do I really gotta be the asshole who says we got in this thing and went back in time? [from trailer]
 * [about Blaine] Hey look, it's the douchbag from Karate Kid 3.
 * [to Lou] I knew I hated you for a reason, I'm gonna tell everyone in prison I went back in time to kill my own father!

Blaine

 * America!

Lou

 * Outta my way stool
 * [to Jacob, while Lou is shocked that the former does not have ritalin] Don't fuckin' lie to me, every one of you people have ritalin.
 * I wanna fuck something!
 * It's called male bonding okay. Haven't you even seen 'Wild Hogs'?
 * God. Relax. It's like you've haven't seen a little cum on your friends face before.
 * Okay lay down. We got a stupid baby to make.
 * Oh God! I'm gonna cum! Shia Lebeouf! I'm fucking Adam's sister! Dropping loads! So much fucking semen. Little Tiny Jacobs! [Trying to disclaim rumors of his impotence]
 * Here's a question. Was it morally wrong for me to exploit my knowledge of the future for personal financial gain? Perhaps. Here's another question. Do I give a fuck?
 * Why don't you shut your slut mouth, and mind your own fucking business?
 * If I wanted to kill myself, I'd fucking kill myself. I'd be awesome at it. A shotgun to the dick.

Adam

 * [to Lou] You are the patron saint of the totally fucked. You're completely toxic. There's nothing you can't kill. You're the fucking Violator!

Father Time (A.K.A.) The Hot Tub Repair Man

 * Maybe what you need isn't in here. Maybe what you need, has been in here all along.

Nick

 * Enrique fuckin' Iglesias!
 * [on being stuck in the 80's] How am I supposed to get a job?
 * It must be some kind of hot tub time machine... [deadpans into camera]
 * [upon seeing their hotel for the first time in years] Muthafucka.
 * [pretending to speak Russian] D-d-do svidanya! Do svidanya! Martina Navratilova... "Smirnoff Ice"... Priviet! Na zdorovie!

Dialogue

 * Adam, Nick: Ko... di... ak...
 * Lou: Valley! Fuckin' K-Vals!


 * Lou: God dammit, who the fuck are you texting with?
 * Jacob: Just a friend..
 * Lou: Male or fucking female?
 * Jacob: For your information, I have had lots of girlfriends. Hot ones.
 * Lou: No, you have had lots of boyfriends. Gay ones.


 * Jacob: [to Lou] I have some adavain but it's different.
 * Lou: Well, let's stick it up our asses!
 * Jacob: It's not a suppository!
 * Lou: It doesn't matter. You crush it up, put it in a paper towel, run it under some warm water, and you stick it right up your ass. That works!


 * Jacob: [Referring to Lou] Do you remember when I was 12 and he tried to bite me.
 * Adam: Yeah, but you had that coming.


 * Nick, Lou, Adam: [Repeated line, whispered] Great White Buffalo.


 * Adam: One little change has a ripple effect and it effects everything else. Like a butterfly floats its wings and Tokyo explodes or there's a tsunami, in like, you know, somewhere.
 * Jacob: Yes exactly. You step on the bug and the fucking internet is never invented.
 * Lou: Oh then you'll have to talk to girls with your mouth.
 * Jacob: Yeah. No. I was more concerned about bigger consequences like not being born.
 * Lou: Yeah. No. I don't care about that.


 * Lou: It's the fucking 80's guys. Let's do what we want to do. Free Love!
 * Jacob: That was the 60's dipshit.
 * Adam: We had like Reagan and AIDS. Get the fuck outta here, okay. Do the right thing, Violator!


 * Jacob: I'm kinda right in the middle of a thing right now, but can I text you later?
 * Girl at Club: Can you what?
 * Jacob: Are you online at all?
 * Girl at Club: I have no idea what you're talking about.
 * Jacob: How do I get a hold of you?
 * Girl at Club: You come find me.
 * Jacob: That sounds... exhausting.


 * April: What happened to your...
 * Adam: I got stabbed in the face with a fork, I saw it coming, I avoided it, I didn't avoid it, it happened to me in a different way.


 * Lou: [to Adam and Nick] Oh, man, what the fuck's he doing here?
 * Jacob: Nice to see you too, Lou.
 * Lou: [mimicking] Nice to see you too, Lou. Fuck you, Jacob! You suck and you know it! You just ruined my fucking weekend.


 * Adam: Why don't you do something out of the house this weekend?
 * Jacob: What should I do out of the house this weekend Uncle Adam?
 * Adam: Something in the course of reality, get a job, go to college.
 * Jacob: That all sounds overrated.


 * Nick: [Nick is having sex with Tara in the bathtub in order to keep the events of the past unchanged. Nick is crying about cheating on his wife] Courtney.
 * Tara: Tara.
 * Nick: Courtney.
 * Tara: Tara.
 * Nick: Courtney.
 * Tara: No seriously my name is Tara.
 * Nick: No, my wife, my wife.
 * Tara: You're married?
 * Nick: No, I'm not married. Not now, anyway. I will be. She's nine right now.


 * Adam: Why do you waste your time with that second-life bullshit? Look at you. You're still in jail. You were in jail last week.
 * Jacob: Yeah, I'm a prisoner. It's called "doing hard time".
 * Adam: Can't you be like a warrior or shaman or orc or some shit like that?


 * Lou: [On his knees] Oh, wow, good for you.
 * Nick: [Eyes closed, crying] I know, right?
 * Lou: It's like Gary Coleman's fucking forearm. It's so black, so impossibly black. Oh God, I love you buddy.
 * Nick: Don't say that!
 * Lou: I'm sorry, I do!


 * Nick: Excuse me Miss, what color is Michael Jackson?
 * Girl At Bar: ...black?
 * Nick: AAHHH!


 * Lou: Every young man's fantasy is to have a three-way.
 * Jacob: Yeah not with another fucking guy!
 * Lou: It's still a three-way!


 * Lou: Fuckin' Russian energy drink, Chernobly. Its got this shit in it, not even legal here.
 * Adam: Whats in it?
 * Lou: How the fuck am I supposed to know dude, but it's illegal.

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 * Lou: I love you, Jacob!
 * Jacob: Fuck you!
 * Lou: [to Adam] Little scamp. They say the damnest things, man.

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 * Lou: Woah, woah, woah. Webber fuckin' Agnew? You took your wife's last name? You're a fuckin' hyphenate?
 * Nick: Lots of dudes are doin' it, it's progressive.
 * Lou: No. No dudes are doing it. It's not progressive. [to Cashier] You look like a pretty progressive guy, would you do that?
 * Cashier: Nooo.
 * Lou: You see that? He wouldn't do it. And he's got a goatee!