House (Season 2)


 * Seasons: 1 2 | Main

House (2004–2006), created by David Shore, is about an irreverent, controversial, but successful doctor who trusts no one, least of all his patients.

Acceptance [2.01]

 * House: Death row guy. I want the case.
 * Cuddy: How do you even know about him? You don't have access to the hospital's mainframe.
 * House: No, but "partypants" does.
 * Cuddy: You stole my password?
 * House: Hardly counts as stealing; it's a pretty obvious choice.


 * House: Well, I don't want to say anything bad about another doctor, especially a useless drunk.
 * Cuddy: You're addicted to pain pills.
 * House: But I'm not useless.


 * [Regarding taking on the case of a man on death row]
 * Foreman: Aren't there better ways to spend our time?
 * House: Good question. What makes a person deserving? Is a man who cheats on his wife more deserving than a man who kills his wife?
 * Foreman: Uh yeah. Actually, he is.
 * House: What about a child molester? Certainly not a good guy, but he didn't kill anybody. Maybe he can get antibiotics, but no MRIs. What about you? What medical care should you be denied for being a car thief? Tell you what: the three of you work out a list of what medical treatments a person loses based on the crime they committed. I'll review it when I get back.


 * Warden: Your patient shanked one inmate his first month here, broke another one's neck, nearly decapitated one of my guards.
 * House: Relax, I've got a great bedside manner.


 * House: You know how people say, "you can't live without love"? Well, oxygen is even more important.

Autopsy [2.02]

 * [House comes out of the elevator, sneezing. Wilson catches up with him.]
 * Dr. Wilson: House. Need you.
 * Dr. House: [nasally] Nah. Forget it, I'm going home.
 * Dr. Wilson: Hay fever?
 * Dr. House: Boy, you must be a doctor and everything.


 * Dr. Foreman: Her oxygen saturation is normal.
 * Dr. House: It's off by one percentage point.
 * Dr. Foreman: It's within range. It's normal.
 * Dr. House: If her DNA was off by one percentage point, she'd be a dolphin.


 * Dr. Foreman: What are we trying to hear?
 * Dr. House: Tumor.
 * Dr. Chase: They tend to keep quiet on account of them not having any mouths.


 * Dr. House: The tumor is Afghanistan, the clot is Buffalo. [Everyone looks at him strangely]. Does that need any more explanation? Okay, the tumor is Al-Qaeda, the big bad guy, the brain who went in wiped it out, but it had already sent out a splinter cell, a small team of low-level terrorists, quietly living in the suburb Buffalo, waiting to kill us all.
 * Dr. Foreman: Whoa, are you trying to say that the tumor threw a clot before we removed it?
 * Dr. House: It was an excellent metaphor. Angio her brain, before this clot straps on an explosive vest.


 * Dr. House: Is it still illegal to perform an autopsy on a living person?
 * Dr. Cuddy: Are you high?
 * Dr. House: If it's Tuesday, I'm wasted.
 * Dr. Cuddy: It's Wednesday.

Humpty Dumpty [2.03]

 * Dr. House: Do I get bonus points if I act like I care?


 * [House is standing before Cuddy's front door with Foreman and Chase. They're about to break in. House grabs his credit card and holds it in the air]
 * Dr. House: 20 bucks says I can get through this door in 20 seconds.
 * Dr. Chase: You're on.
 * Dr. Foreman: Count me in.
 * [House looks under a garden ornament, finds a key and uses it to open the door. Foreman and Chase groan and hand their $20s to a smug House]


 * Dr. Cuddy: You broke into my house?!
 * Dr. House: No, that would be wrong. I had a key.


 * Patient: I'm not buying into no racist drug, okay?
 * Dr. House: It's racist because it helps black people more than white people? Well, on behalf of my peeps, let me say, thanks for dying on principle for us.
 * Patient: Look. My heart's red; your heart's red. And it don't make no sense to give us different drugs.
 * Dr. House: You know, I have found a difference. Admittedly, it's a limited sample, but based on my experience in the last ninety seconds all black people are morons. Sorry, African-Americans.


 * Foreman: Every slavemaster thought they were doing the black man a favour. 'Negro can't take care of themselves, so we'll put them to work. We'll give them four walls, a bed. We'll civilize the heathens.' Stop doing us favours. If you're right and we end up back in the jungle, it won't be on your head.

TB or Not TB [2.04]

 * Sebastian: Every minute four people die of TB.
 * Dr. House: Wow, how can you sleep at night?
 * Sebastian: There's people dying in Africa of a disease that we cured over...
 * Dr. House: Yeah, I know, I saw the concert. Seriously, let's say you sleep six hours, that means every night you kill 1440 people. I guess you gotta get some sleep, but come on, if you'd stayed up another ten minutes you could have saved forty lives. Do you send notes to the families in the morning? That's gonna take at least ten minutes, so that's another forty dead, another forty notes... why don't you go wrack yourself with guilt in your own room?


 * Dr. Foreman: What's the emergency?
 * Dr. House: [Looking at his yo-yo] I can't remember how to do Walk the Dog.


 * Dr. House: Every minute that we refuse to love one another, another puppy cries another tear.
 * Dr. Wilson: You're just mad because he's closer to a Nobel Prize than you are.
 * Dr. House: And yet I've nailed more Swedish babes. Crazy, crazy world.
 * Dr. Wilson: It's not just the trip to Stockholm, you know. It comes with a cash prize.
 * Dr. House: Seriously? No wonder everybody is going after that peace thing.
 * Dr. Wilson: He cures thousands of people every year, you cure what 30?
 * Dr. House: McDonalds makes a better hamburger than your mother because they make more?
 * Dr. Wilson: Oh, I see, so you hate him because the lives he saves aren't as good as the lives you save?
 * Dr. House: Yep, that's the reason. Nobel invented dynamite, I won't accept his blood money.


 * Dr. House: There's an evolutionary imperative why we give a crap about our family and friends. And there's an evolutionary imperative why we don't give a crap about anybody else. If we loved all people indiscriminately, we couldn't function.
 * Dr. Foreman: Hmmm. So, the great humanitarian's as selfish as the rest of us.
 * Dr. House: Just not as honest about it.


 * Dr. House: You want third-world treatment? [Turns up the thermostat] You got it. Boy, is it hot here in Johnny!
 * Dr. Cameron: What are you doing?
 * Dr. House: What am I doing? [He knocks Sebastian's things onto the floor] Putting everything on the floor of the hut. Uh oh, wicked magic box with the moving pictures!
 * Dr. Cameron: You think he's a hypocrite?
 * Dr. House: [Unplugging the TV] Hypocrite? No, everybody in Africa's got cell phones or running water. [He has dropped Sebastian's cell phone in the toilet] Ha! This thing just will not flush.
 * Sebastian: Do you really think that if you come in here and make it a little hot, make it smell a little, that I'm just going to fold and abandon everything that matters to me?
 * Dr. House: [Wiping his cane on Sebastian's blanket] Lousy sanitation over there, too. You are not the same as them; your life is not the same. And you are cheapening everything they're going through by pretending you are.

Daddy's Boy [2.05]

 * Dr. Wilson: We're discussing your new patient.
 * Dr. House: Must be a boring discussion, considering that I haven't accepted a new patient.

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 * Dr. Cameron: Why would you need $5,000?
 * Dr. Chase: Bad night at poker or a great night with a hooker.
 * Dr. House: Thank you for saving me the trouble of deflecting that personal question with a joke.

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 * Dr. Foreman: You have no evidence to support a poisoning diagnosis.
 * Dr. House: Which is why it's going to be so cool when I turn out to be right.

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 * Dr. Wilson: If you have the money, then why did you need the loan?
 * Dr. House: I didn't. Just wanted to see if you would give it to me. I've been borrowing increasing amounts ever since you lent me forty dollars a year ago. A little experiment to see where you draw the line.
 * Dr. Wilson: You're ... you're trying to... objectively measure how much I value our friendship?!
 * Dr. House: Hey, it's five grand. You've got nothing to be ashamed of.

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 * John House: Last I checked, you still have two legs.
 * Dr. House: [holds up cane] Actually, three.
 * John House: You know what your problem is, Greg?
 * Dr. House: Shifting gears?
 * John House: You just don't know how lucky you are.

Spin [2.06]

 * House: You know me. Hostility makes me shrink up like a.... I can't think of a non-sexual metaphor.

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 * House: This guy doesn't even get sick like a regular person. Instead of a list of symptoms and no cause, we have a list of possible causes for one symptom.
 * Chase: Is the symptom death?

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 * House: How's your recovery going? Gotten around to the small muscles yet?
 * Mark: It's not the size of the muscle; it's where you get to put it.
 * Stacy: My goodness, it's like watching Oscar Wilde and Noel Coward in the third grade.

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 * House: [makes a dramatic gesture with the stirring stick] Go forth and scan his neck.
 * Chase: His neck?
 * House: Or repeat everything I say in question form.

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 * House: [sticks the patient in the thigh] You are healed. Rise and walk.
 * Jeff: Are you insane?
 * House: In the Bible, they just say, "Yes, Lord" and then start right on in with the praising.
 * Jeff: First you tell me I've got cancer. Then you tell me that my manager... [Jeff realizes he can move his arms] What did you do?
 * House: No, what did you do, Lord?

Hunting [2.07]

 * [Dr. House is with Stacy in her house when Mark enters the room.]
 * Mark: What's going on?
 * Dr. House: It's not what you think. I know it looks like we're cleaning dishes, but actually, we're having sex.

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 * Dr. Foreman: Have you read his file?
 * Dr. House: I started, but I found the characters two-dimensional.

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 * Dr. Chase: Pre-World War II fluorescent bulbs contained large amounts of beryllium. Beryllium dust inflames the lungs, they get rigid, patient can't breathe. [Dr. House gives him a questioning look] My father co-authored a paper on acute berylliosis.
 * Dr. House: Phew! For a moment there I thought you were smart.

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 * Dr. House: He thought he was dying. Dying people lie, too. Wish they'd worked less, they'd been nicer, they'd opened orphanages for kittens. If you really want to do something, you do it, you don't save it for sound byte.

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 * Dr. Wilson: So now you've got to drum up another excuse to be around the love of your life. Could hit another patient.
 * Dr. House: Nah, don't like to repeat myself. People will say I'm formulaic.

The Mistake [2.08]

 * Dr. House: She's overreacting.
 * Dr. Wilson: You snuck into her shrink's office and read her private file. When Nixon did that, he got impeached.
 * Dr. House: So you're saying I'm not allowed to have oral sex with an intern either?

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 * Stacy: As your lawyer, I can't stop you from lying, I can't even be in the room, but I would be remiss if I didn't prep you to lie better.

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 * Stacy: I need to talk to you.
 * Dr. House: From the doorway?
 * Stacy: It's confidential.
 * Dr. House: Cool. I love gossip.

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 * Stacy: If Chase screwed up so badly, why didn't you fire him?
 * Dr. House: He has great hair.
 * Stacy: What are you hiding?
 * Dr. House: I'm gay. Oh, that's not what you meant. It does explain a lot, though: no girlfriend, always with Wilson, obsession with sneakers...

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 * Dr. House: Five grand. And that's just ante money; after the surgery you'll get another fifteen, though I warn you that includes the tip.
 * Dr. Ayersman: [Laughs] I make six hundred grand a year. You think I'm going to risk tanking my percentages for twenty thousand?!
 * Dr. House: It's tax free.
 * Dr. Ayersman: For the record, I hope the department takes you and Chase and drop kicks both your asses out the back door.
 * Dr. House: Great, that means I don't have to bother welshing on the other fifteen grand I would have owed you. If you don't do the surgery I'm going to tell your wife that you've been sleeping with a series of nurses, currently Nurse Cutler in Radiology. Now what's six hundred-thousand divided by two?
 * [...]
 * Dr. House: Oh, and for the record, you are the worst transplant surgeon in this hospital. But, unfortunately, you are the only one who's currently cheating on his wife.

Deception [2.09]

 * [A woman collapses onto the floor]
 * Dr. House: Is anybody here a doctor?

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 * Dr. House: Chase killed that woman, now Foreman's in charge?
 * Dr. Cuddy: Yeah, we have a pecking order here, if Cameron kills somebody, Chase takes over. There's a flow chart in the lobby.

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 * Dr. House: Work smart, not hard. That's my philosophy, boss.

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 * Dr. House: [To a patient who's been using strawberry jelly as a spermicide, and got an infection from it] You probably shouldn't have sex for a while.
 * Patient: How long?
 * Dr. House: On an evolutionary basis, I'd recommend forever.

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 * Dr. Cameron: [While searching Anica's house] She's got an appointment with her ophthalmologist on Tuesday and an appointment with her gynecologist on Thursday. Multiple appointments with multiple doctors... symptom of Munchausen's.
 * Dr. House: Or - just thinking outside the box here - she has a vagina and trouble reading.

Failure to Communicate [2.10]

 * Dr. Foreman: In one of his books he talked about giving up drugs and alcohol, how it changes life.
 * Dr. Chase: [imitating House] Everybody lies.

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 * Dr. House: MRI show anything?
 * Dr. Foreman: CT scan was negative.
 * Dr. House: CT... that's like, short for MRI, right? Excellent, well I guess that saves us a lot of time.
 * Dr. Chase: We've got an MRI scheduled in twenty minutes. Earliest Foreman could get the machine.
 * Dr. House: I teach you to lie and cheat and steal...and as soon as my back is turned, you wait in line?

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 * Dr. Wilson: Do you know your phone's dead? Do you ever recharge the batteries?
 * Dr. House: They recharge? I just keep buying new phones.

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 * Stacy: Our relationship is like an addiction. It's... like...
 * Dr. House: Really good drugs?
 * Stacy: No, it's like... vindaloo curry.
 * Dr. House: Okay, sure...
 * Stacy: Really, really hot Indian curry they make with red chili peppers.
 * Dr. House: I know what it is! Didn't think it was addictive.
 * Stacy: You're abrasive and annoying and come on way too strong, like... vindaloo curry. When you're crazy about curry, that's fine, but, no matter how much you love curry, you have too much of it, it takes the roof of your mouth off. And then you never want to see curry for a really, really long time, but you wake up one day, and you think... God, I really miss curry.

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 * Dr. Cuddy: Tell me... if it is your aim to sell me the same crazy ideas as House does, how are you an improvement on House?
 * Dr. Foreman: I... brought you a coffee?

Need to Know [2.11]

 * Dr. Wilson: [about Stacy] This isn't just going to go away.
 * Dr. House: No, but maybe you will.

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 * Dr. Foreman: Hypervigilance, sudden irritability...
 * Dr. House: Symptomatic of...lunch with Cuddy?

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 * Stacy: What was Greg like after I left?
 * Dr. Cuddy: Er, an egomaniacal, narcissistic pain in the ass — same as before you left.

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 * [House hands Cameron a sealed envelope, which she assumes is her HIV test results]
 * Dr. House: Knowing is always better than not knowing.
 * [Cameron opens the envelope and reads the letter]
 * Dr. Cameron: It's a referral request.
 * Dr. House: [holds up an open envelope] Right. HIV thing came in earlier. You're fine.
 * Dr. Cameron: [incensed] You won't read your mail, but you'll open mine?
 * Dr. House: It said confidential. I wanted to know.
 * Dr. Cameron: The most important letter of my life, and you're still an ass.
 * Dr. House: Comforting, isn't it?

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 * Dr. Wilson: You don't like yourself. But you do admire yourself. It's all you've got so you cling to it. You're so afraid if you change, you'll lose what makes you special.
 * [pause]
 * Dr. Wilson: Being miserable doesn't make you better than anybody else, House. It just makes you miserable.

Distractions [2.12]

 * Dr. Cuddy: You induced a migraine headache in a coma patient?
 * Dr. House: I gave him a little headache, similar to the one you're giving me now.
 * Dr. Cuddy: Have you even read an ethical guideline?

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 * Dr. Weber: You cannot test this on an abnormal brain.
 * Dr. House: That's so closed-minded. He's not "abnormal", he's special.

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 * Dr. Cameron: Could pain medication cause an orgasm?
 * Dr. House: I wish.

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 * Dr. Cameron: His brain is like a waiter that's got too many...
 * Dr. House: Hey! I do the metaphors!

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 * Dr. House: Bad news: Your son has a filthy, unhealthy habit. Good news: He's trying to quit. Bad news: Quitting is killing him. Good news: I can cure him. Bad news: [thinks] Nope, that's the end of it.

Skin Deep [2.13]

 * Dr. Foreman: There's no age limit on addiction.
 * Dr. House: [taking a Vicodin] He's right.

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 * ''[Discussing whether a patient's breasts are real or fake]
 * Dr. House: [to Chase] Two clinic hours says that those love apples are hand-crafted by God.
 * Dr. Foreman: I thought you didn't believe in God.
 * Dr. House: I do now.

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 * Dr. House: Cameron, Chase and the dark one... Foreman, right?

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 * Dr. Cameron: We're mandated to report sexual abuse.
 * Dr. House: Is it okay if I save her life first or do you want to make sure daddy doesn't get visitation rights to the grave site?

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 * [Dr. Wilson is examining Dr. House's leg with the MRI]
 * Dr. Wilson: [gruff disguised voice] House, this is God.
 * Dr. House: [in MRI chamber] Look, I'm a little busy right now. Not supposed to talk during these things. Got time Thursday?
 * Dr. Wilson: Let me check. Oh! I got a plague. What about Friday?
 * Dr. House: You'll have to check with Cameron.
 * Dr. Wilson: Oh! Damn it! She always wants to know why bad things happen. Like I'm gonna come up with a new answer this time.
 * [Cuddy bursts in]
 * Dr. Cuddy: House...
 * Dr. House: Quick, God, smite the evil witch! [Wilson wisely says nothing]
 * Dr. Cuddy: Are you sitting on evidence that your patient was sexually abused by her father?
 * Dr. House: God, why have you forsaken me?

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 * [Wilson is telling House that his leg pain is a result of Stacy leaving.]
 * House: Listen, none of this has anything to do with Stacy.
 * Wilson: Right, giant coincidence that you've gone completely off the rails since she left; inducing migraines, worsening leg pain- [House whacks Wilson's shin with his cane] Ow!
 * Dr. House: Aw, you miss Stacy too?

Sex Kills [2.14]

 * Henry: [about his daughter] I slept with her mom.
 * Dr. House: She probably knows that's happened already.

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 * Dr. Cuddy: House, don't you think that's a little manipulative?
 * Dr. House: No, I think it's hugely manipulative.

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 * Dr. House: We're going to cure her.
 * Dr. Cameron: We're going to cure death?
 * Dr. House: [laughs like a mad scientist] Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha! [normal voice] Doubt it.

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 * Ronald: I assume House is a great doctor.
 * Dr. Chase: Why would you assume that?
 * Ronald: Because, uh, when you're that big a jerk you're either great or unemployed.

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 * Dr. Cameron: She's positive for gonorrhea.
 * Dr. House: I think that's the first time those words have been uttered in joy.

Clueless [2.15]

 * Dr. House: [to Dr. Wilson] Why do you wanna sleep on a couch anyway? You got money. At least until the divorce is finalized.

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 * Dr. Cameron: His wife arranged it for an anniversary present. And if you ask me, if two people really trust each other, a threesome once every seven years might actually help a marriage.
 * [Everyone looks stunned.]
 * Dr. House: Okay, I say we stop the DDX and discuss that comment.

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 * Maria: Marriages don't fail because couples get bored, they fail because while they're dating people pretend to be the person they think their partner wants and then, well, there's only so long you can keep that up.

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 * Dr. Wilson: You'd give your own wife herpes just to shift the blame?
 * Dr. Cuddy: He'd give his own mother herpes if it got him out of clinic duty.

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 * Dr. Cameron: He's gonna need a lung transplant...
 * Dr. House: He's becoming more attractive by the minute, isn't he?
 * Dr. Cameron You're pleased...You think you've proved every marriage is a mistake.
 * Dr. House: Do I look pleased?
 * Dr. Cameron: Ignorance is bliss.

Safe [2.16]

 * Dr. Wilson: Cuddy called.
 * Dr. House: I know. Saw the caller ID.
 * Dr. Wilson: Young girl, anaphylactic shock.
 * Dr. House: You answered?
 * Dr. Wilson: Turns out that's what stops the ringing.

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 * Dr. Cuddy: These are your big ideas? Somebody's lying?
 * Dr. House: Hasn't let me down yet.

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 * Dr. Cameron: Test was negative, no semen allergy.
 * Dr. House: Boyfriend sneaks in to get his freak on the night before the anaphylaxis. I don't buy that it's unrelated.
 * Dr. Cameron: He loves her. Did everything he could to make sure she wouldn't get sick.
 * Dr. House: [looking puzzled] What does that mean?
 * Dr. Cameron: Love is an emotion certain people experience, similar to happiness. [smiles] You know, maybe I should give a more relatable example.
 * Dr. House: Oh, snap!

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 * Dr. House: Everything sucks. Might as well find something to smile about.

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 * [House is searching frantically through Melinda's hair for a tick]
 * Dr. Cuddy: Except that ticks aren't usually invisible.
 * Dr. House: They are until you FIND THEM! [holds up comb triumphantly] No, that's dandruff. Okay, well, that wasn't nearly as dramatic as I'd hoped. It just means that next time'll be even better!
 * [...]
 * [Cuddy, Wilson, and Melinda's parents burst through the elevator doors, only to see House searching for a tick with his head between her legs.]
 * Lewis: You sick, miserable...! ''[He rushes into the elevator]
 * Dr. Cuddy: What are you doing?
 * Barbara: Oh my god!
 * Dr. Wilson: Wait!
 * [The father has House pinned to the back of the elevator. House hold up his hand to reveal the elusive tick]
 * Dr. House: See? Told you it'd be more dramatic.

All In [2.17]

 * [House, Cuddy and Wilson are playing poker at a hospital charity event]
 * Dr. Cuddy: Call.
 * Dr. House: You'll call anything.
 * Dr. Cuddy: My stack is bigger than your stack.

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 * Dr. Wilson: So are you going to tell me an annoying story every time I raise?
 * Dr. House: God, that would be annoying.

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 * Dr. House: [to Chase, in front of a girl he's talking to] Hey! How's that anal fissure? Did it heal yet, or is it still draining? Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you'd come back for seconds. I figured after that girl in the stairwell, you'd be done for the night.
 * Dr. Chase: He's joking.
 * Dr. House: No Adam's apple, small hands. No surprises this time.
 * Girl: I'll, uh, see you later.
 * [Girl exits]
 * Dr. House: Got a case.
 * Dr. Chase: Well, you could've just said that. You didn't have to screw with me.
 * Dr. House: Yeah, but if I didn't screw with you, you'd spend the whole night thinking you might get laid, which means you'd be useless. Better to extinguish all hope.

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 * Dr. House: The parents are mad because their kid is dying, it's understandable, but if he doesn't die they won't be mad anymore.
 * Dr. Cuddy: Well if he's brain damaged they might still be a little ticked.

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 * Dr. House: You know relative to its size, the barnacle has the largest penis of any animal?

Sleeping Dogs Lie [2.18]

 * Dr. Cameron: Depriving her of even the few minutes of sleep she does have that's torture.
 * Dr. House: So is cutting people with knives. You can totally get away with that if you have a doctor's coat on.

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 * [Cameron, Chase, and Foreman enter]
 * Dr. Cameron: [about the patient] We've got rectal bleeding.
 * Dr. House: What, all of you?

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 * Dr. Cameron: Do you have any idea what it feels like to have a six-foot long hose shoved into your large intestine?
 * Dr. House: No, but I now have a much greater respect for whichever basketball player you dated in college.

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 * Dr. House: Talk to the dog?
 * Dr. Cameron: We're not as up on foreign languages as you are.

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 * Hannah: I've got the plague?
 * Dr. House: Don't worry, its treatable. Being a bitch, though... nothing we can do about that.

House vs. God [2.19]

 * Dr. House: You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic.
 * [Paraphrase of Thomas Szasz, "If you talk to God, you are praying; If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia. If the dead talk to you, you are a spiritualist; If you talk to the dead, you are a schizophrenic." (The Second Sin, Anchor/Doubleday, Garden City, NY. 1973, Page 113)]

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 * Dr. Chase: You're gonna talk to a patient?
 * Dr. House: God talks to him. It'd be arrogant of me to assume that I'm better than God.

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 * Dr. House: He is not a saint. He figures out what's going on in people's lives by watching, listening, deducing...
 * Dr. Wilson: And you're worried about trademark infringement?
 * Dr. House: Then he passes on advice from God so he can watch them jump. It's a power trip.
 * Dr. Wilson: Ah, and there the similarities end.

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 * Dr. House: I fear for the human race. A teenager claims to be the voice of God and people with advanced degrees are listening.

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 * Boyd: Dad, we have to have faith...
 * Walter: I have faith in the Lord. You, I trust... as much as you can trust a teenage boy.

Euphoria, Part 1 [2.20]

 * Dr. House: Cop with a sense of humor, differential diagnosis, guy's in the ER, bleeding on everybody.
 * Dr. Foreman: Drugs?
 * Dr. Chase: He's a cop.
 * Dr. Foreman: Good point, how about... drugs?
 * Dr. House: Tox screen was clean, he did however get hit with a bullet. Just mentioning.
 * Dr. Cameron: He was shot?
 * Dr. House: No, somebody threw it at him.

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 * Dr. Cameron: [Referring to Foreman] He doesn't like cops.
 * Dr. House: [Very sarcastic] Foreman, policemen are our friends. If you and I are ever separated shopping...

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 * Dr. House: Saying there appears to be clotting is like saying there's a traffic jam up ahead. Is it a ten-car pile up, or just a really slow bus in the center lane? And if it is a bus, is it a thrombotic bus or an embolic bus? ... I think I pushed that metaphor too far.

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 * Dr. Cameron: The chance of infection is next to nothing.
 * Dr. House: Yeah, I was never great at math, but next to nothing is higher than nothing, right?.

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 *  [Dr. Foreman is having brain surgery while Dr. Chase shows up some geometrical pictures, but it takes some time for the answer about the last image]
 * Dr. Chase: Foreman. Why aren't you answering? Is there a problem?
 * Dr. Foreman: S-square.
 * Dr. House: Tell me your date of birth.
 * Dr. Foreman: Is that House?
 * Dr. Chase: Yeah. Next?
 * Dr. Foreman: [surprised but unable to move by head restrains] Square again. Why is he here?
 * Dr. House: Because my neurologist is having surgery.
 * Dr. Foreman: I thought I was another patient.
 * Dr. House: You didn't believe that crap. Did you? [while inserts a needle into Dr. Foreman's brain] Date of birth.
 * Dr. Foreman: The Ommaya reservoir is inserted in the parietal lobe. My spatial recognition is the issue, not my memory.
 * Dr. House: Oops! Did you say Ommaya? I could swear you said biopsy. Hey! I'm just messing with your head. Mother's maiden name, please.
 * Dr. Foreman: [while tries to look at Dr. House, who is standing behind and taking a sample] Get out of my temporal lobe, House.

Euphoria, Part 2 [2.21]

 * Dr. Cuddy: You put both of them in isolation for a reason. Joe's death elevates this situation to a bio-safety level three.
 * Dr. House: Ooohhh, Level Three. Should I call Jack Bauer?

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 * [House leads Dr. Foreman's father into Dr. Cuddy's office]
 * Dr. Cuddy: House, what is this?
 * Dr. House: He's not a what, he's a who. They even have the right to vote now.

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 * Dr. Cameron: Foreman's black.
 * Dr. House: What?! How long have you been sitting on this information?

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 * Dr. Cameron: You feeling any better?
 * Dr. Foreman: I can't breathe, I'm dizzy, and I can barely hear anything over the sounds of my lungs crackling.
 * Dr. Cameron: That's the Legionellosis.
 * Dr. Foreman: [sarcastically] Well, you figure that out from the symptoms or the vial of stuff tossed in my room?
 * Dr. Cameron: I'm trying to be professional here, there's no reason to be nasty.
 * Dr. Foreman: I'm in pain!
 * Dr. Cameron: So's House.
 * Dr. Foreman: And he's a delight.
 * Dr. Cameron: He doesn't try to kill his colleagues.

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 * Dr. Foreman: I think the first biopsy didn't give us the answer because you didn't go deep enough. I want you to do a white-matter brain biopsy.
 * Dr. House: [sarcastically] Absolutely. Don't blame you. The world is such a complicated place if you've got higher reasoning skills. I'm often jealous of small animals and retarded children. Take the antibiotics.

Forever [2.22]

 * Dr. House: Unless Chase broke his neck falling off his polo pony, he had no reason to be in the E.R.

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 * Dr. House: [to Foreman] Glad you're back. Cameron makes lousy coffee. I take mine black, the way I take my brain-damaged neurologists.

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 * Dr. House: You're late.
 * Dr. Cuddy: And you are in my locked office, again.

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 * Dr. House: Idiots are fun. No wonder every village wants one.

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 * Dr. House: [trying to get a rise out of Foreman] I'm telling you, I'm going to drop the N-bomb if I have to.
 * Dr. Foreman: You're addicted to conflict.
 * Dr. House: [looks at his Vicodin bottle] Did they change the name?

Who's Your Daddy? [2.23]

 * Dr. House: You're designing a kid, a loser kid, who's already getting pummeled at recess.
 * Dr. Cuddy: Here, knock yourself out. Go find sperm that can beat up 613's kids.

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 * Dr. House: Diagnostically, she needed to be hurt. I wanted to hurt her. Win-win.

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 * Dr. House: I'm a really good secret keeper, I never told anybody that Wilson wets his bed. Oh, you tricked me.

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 * Dr. Wilson: You're trying to end this discussion by grossing me out? I'm an oncologist, half my patients have their skin sloughing off.

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 * Dr. House: Don't try to talk. You've got a big medical thing in your mouth.

No Reason [2.24]

 * Dr. House: He's got a temperature of 103.
 * Dr. Foreman: And why do we care?
 * Dr. House: Because we're human beings. It's what we do. Said he was at a luncheon meeting.
 * Dr. Cameron: You took his history?!
 * Dr. House: Guy looks like Harpo. You should see him.
 * Dr. Chase: You asked him what book he's currently reading.
 * Dr. House: It's hilarious to watch him try and talk. I asked him anything I could think of. Favorite color? "Bwuu."
 * [Cut to clinic.]
 * Dr. House: Favorite dessert topping? [The patient hesitates.] Trust me, you'll never know what fact may be the key to saving your life.
 * Vincent: Whip cweam.

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 * Jack Moriarty: You wanna hear a story?
 * Dr. House: I have a rule: People who shoot me forfeit the right--

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 * Dr. House: You're an ass.
 * Jack Moriarty: Now, that is a bold position to take, given that I shot you.
 * Dr. House: The shooting just makes you an idiot. You're an ass because you're trying to wrap it in a flag like you did a good thing.
 * Jack Moriarty: You're an ass and a hypocrite. You don't believe in rules, you do whatever you think is right, that's all I did; you were my role model.
 * Dr. House: Watch out, you're getting crumbs on the flag.

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 * Jack Moriarty: You think that the only truth that matters is the truth that can be measured. Good intentions don't count. What's in your heart doesn't count, but a man's life can be measured by how many tears are shed when he dies. Just because you can't measure them, just because you don't want to measure them, doesn't mean it's not real.

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 * Dr. Wilson: You don't want a healthy leg.
 * Dr. House: Ohh, here we go.
 * Dr. Wilson: If you've got a good life, if you're healthy, you've got no reason to bitch; no reason to hate life.
 * Dr. House: Well here's the flaw in your argument. If I enjoy hating life I don't hate life, I enjoy it.
 * Dr. Wilson: I didn't say it was rational. HIV testing is 99% accurate, which means there are some people who test positive who live with their own impending doom for months or years before finding out everything is okay. Weirdly, most of them don't react with happiness or even anger - they get depressed. Not because they wanted to die but because they've defined themselves by their disease. Suddenly, what made them, them, isn't real.
 * Dr. House: I don't define myself by my leg.
 * Dr. Wilson: No-o, you have taken it one step further. The only way you could come to terms with your disability was to somehow make it mean nothing. So you had to redefine everything. You have dismissed anything physical. Anything not coldly, calculatingly intellectual.

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 * Vince: You want to let a robot operate on me?
 * Dr. Cameron: The technology is amazing. It magnifies everything ten times, it's ten times the accuracy.
 * Vince: No way, I want a person!
 * Dr. Cameron: A person will be controlling the&mdash;
 * Dr. House: People suck. People have turned you from a guy with a swollen tongue into a guy with one eye, one ball and a stapled-on face. If you want someone to hold you while you cry yourself to sleep at night, choose warm and soft. If you want someone to write you a poem, pick the sensitive loner. If all you care about is that something's done right, pick the guy with the metal head.

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 * [Cameron is lying down on the table, above are the arms of the robot. House is controlling the robot; Vince is sitting next to him.]
 * Dr. House: Relax Cameron, I'm not going to cut you. I just want to show what this puppy can do. I can make one millimeter incisions. You know how small that is? Small even in metric. If I do something that doesn't make sense, even to you, stop me. [He moves the robot's tweezer hand down to stroke Cameron's cheek.] Delicate, no? [He then lifts up the hem of her shirt and uses the air hand to blow air into her belly button. And then he cuts off a button on her blouse, peeling part of the shirt away to reveal her bra.]
 * Dr. Cameron: House.
 * Dr. House: Does that hurt? [Cameron shakes her head.]
 * Dr. House: [to Vince] Seen enough?
 * Vince: No.
 * Dr. House: That wasn't a question.

Cast

 * Dr. Gregory House - Hugh Laurie
 * Dr. James Wilson - Robert Sean Leonard
 * Dr. Lisa Cuddy - Lisa Edelstein


 * Dr. Eric Foreman - Omar Epps
 * Dr. Robert Chase - Jesse Spencer
 * Dr. Allison Cameron - Jennifer Morrison