How I Met Your Mother (season 9)


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How I Met Your Mother (2005–14) is an American sitcom, which aired on CBS. The series is narrated through flashbacks from the future, in which an older version of the main character, Ted Mosby, tells his two children the story of how he met their mother with the help of his best friend, Marshall Eriksen, Marshall's wife Lily Aldrin, and their two friends Barney Stinson and Robin Scherbatsky.

The Locket [9.01]

 * The Mother: Hey, are you okay? You look stressed. Plus, you muttered a few words out loud. I heard "lonely" and "unicorn", which actually gave me a great idea for a children's book, so... thank you. Are you okay?
 * Lily: No, but there's nothing you can do.
 * The Mother: Do you wanna cookie? [Offers a container of cookies]
 * Lily: Yes... yes I do! [Grabs a cookie]
 * The Mother: Whoa! You just took a cookie from a complete stranger on a train. I like how trusting you are. There could be drugs or poison in there.
 * Lily: But there's not, is there?
 * The Mother: No idea, I found them under my seat.
 * [Lily spits out cookie]
 * The Mother: No! Kidding! Sorry! You looked stressed so I thought you could use a cookie and then I thought you could use a joke, I should have stopped at the cookie.
 * Lily: You know what? I don't care if these are poisoned. There's chocolate and peanut butter and caramel in these sumbitches.
 * The Mother: I call them sumbitches! [smiles and laughs along with Lily]
 * Future Ted: ...And that's how Lily met your mother.


 * [Barney and Robin are now relieved that they're not related]
 * Barney: You know, I'm not worried about a wildcard anymore, whether its Uncle Vick, Aunt Shelley, or the ringbear.
 * Robin: Ringbear-er!
 * Barney: If any of those mammals go rogue, our wedding's gonna be Legendary.
 * Robin: [curious because he always uses Legendary in a different way but did not this time] No wait for it?
 * Barney: I've got you. I don't have to wait for it anymore.

Coming Back [9.02]

 * [Ted's trying to reassure the Farhampton hotel manager through Lily that he's fine, but...]
 * Lily: It's been a tough weekend for him.
 * Ted: Bro!
 * Lily: We're here for a wedding.
 * Manager: Ouch.
 * Lily: He used to date the bride.
 * Manager: Oh mama.
 * Lily: And he's the best man.
 * Manager: Devastating.


 * [in 2014, Ted and the Mother are in the same bar at Farhampton]
 * Ted: You wanna hear something funny? One year ago today, almost to the minute, I was sitting at this very table, right in that seat. [points to seat]
 * The Mother: Oh yeah, I can see it. You nursing that gin and tonic with three extra limes, doing the crossword. Probably being all showboaty about it.
 * Ted: I wasn't showboaty about it.
 * Flashback Ted: Vesuvius...booyah! [stares at puzzle] Wait that doesn't fit.
 * Ted: The point is, one year ago today, I made a promise to myself, right at this table.
 * The Mother: What was the promise?
 * Ted and Flashback Ted: I'm coming back and I'm bringing you.
 * The Mother: Wait a second. Hold it. One year ago today, you hadn't even met me.
 * Ted: I know, but I knew I would - and now it's a year later...
 * The Mother: And here I am.
 * Ted: Here you are. Love in your eyes, baked goods in your undergarments.
 * The Mother: Yeah, you picked a real winner, Mosby. [taps hand]
 * Ted: Yeah, I did. [long stare] Seriously, what the crap's taking so long with these rooms? It's like this last year. I'll be right back.
 * The Mother: I'll be right here.

Last Time in New York [9.03]

 * [Barney notices that James is also hiding from their relatives]
 * Barney: You avoiding the family too?
 * James: I'm gay, I'm black and I'm getting a divorce. Those walking skeletons are gonna have more questions for me than their pharmacists.


 * [Lily talks to Ted about his list]
 * Lily: Ted..
 * Ted: Yeah?
 * Lily: You wrote down all of these things to say goodbye to, but so many of these are good things. Why not just say goodbye to the bad things? Say goodbye to all the times you felt lost, to all the times it was a No instead of a Yes, to all the scrapes and bruises, to all the heartache. Say goodbye to everything you really want to do for the last time, but don't go have one last Scotch with Barney, have the first Scotch toasting Barney's new life, because that's a good thing and the good things will always be here waiting for you. [sees Ted smile] What?
 * Ted: Turn the page.
 * Lily: [flips paper; reads] "Get one last life lecture from Lily." You're dreaming if you think that's the last one of those.

The Broken Code [9.04]

 * Lily: Prove to me you can make a female friend. What about her? [points to woman]
 * Robin: Ugh the girl with the bangs? Any chick who does that to her hair is going through a big life transition I don't want to hear about. Next time grow your bangs long enough to cover your mouth. I'll pass.
 * Lily: Ok. Well, what about her?
 * Robin: Ugh, comfortable shoes? What are you filibustering later? It's after five, put on some heels. I'll pass.


 * [Ted's confessing to Barney over the rain why he held Robin's hand]
 * Ted: It was weird at the carousel. All of it's been weird between me and Robin ever since we broke up. You're my brother, I would never do anything to hurt you ever. I mean it, I swear! I'll even swear on the Bro Code.
 * Barney: The Bro Code's stupid.
 * Ted: [gasps] How dare you?! [gets copy] I'd be honored. [places left hand on book and raises right hand] I can't promise that I'll ever get to a place where it won't be at least a little weird between me and Robin, but I don't wanna lose you as a friend, either of you. So I would do everything I can to move on and live with it. The question is, can you?

The Poker Game [9.05]

 * [Marshall's in the car with Daphne when he suggests a stopover at Gazzola's.]
 * Marshall: Oh Chicago! There's this pizza place called Gazzola's, it's fantastic! It was closed down for a while. It just re-opened.
 * Daphne: I'm sure they got a Godzilla's in New York. We're not stopping. It's just pizza.
 * Marshall: [scoffs] Just pizza? Let me tell you about the thing you say is "just pizza." We begin with the first bite. Aww the crunch, and then marinara, that roiling lava of tomato and oregano it overtakes you. I'm falling. And that's when she catches you. That chewy voluptuous mistress mozzarella. Oven-kissed cheeks crackle with warmth in your mouth, cradling the sauce and the bread, letting you know from now on this is home. This pizza... It's home.
 * Daphne: If it was so delicious why'd they close it in the first place?
 * Marshall: Rats.
 * Daphne: We're not stopping!
 * Marshall: This road trip sucks!


 * [Loretta Stinson sees Robin after the strip poker game]
 * Loretta Stinson: You won the battle, but I'll win the war.
 * Robin: Game on, bitch!

Knight Vision [9.06]

 * [Reverend Lowell has had enough of the false stories of how Barney and Robin met and ordered them out, until Barney speaks his mind]
 * Barney: You know what? We shouldn't have lied about our story. I love our story. Sure, it's messy, but it's the story that got us here, about to get married.
 * Robin: I love it too, every messy chapter. I love that you slept with over 250 women before deciding that I was your favorite.
 * Reverend Lowell: This is killing me.
 * Barney: And I love that we just had to keep on having sex with each other even when we were dating other people.
 * Lowell: This is really killing me.
 * Robin: And I love that your marriage proposal involved a strip club, lying to me, and pretending to bang the woman I hate for two months.
 * Barney: I love that we keep a running tally of all the different rooms we had sex in.
 * Robin: And I love that two weeks ago, we put [looks at reverend] this room on that list.
 * Barney: Ha? Come on Rev, that's gotta be worth some kind of a reaction, right? I mean, right where your hymnal is where we.. where we.. [notices blank stare; Barney gets closer and sees the Reverend is dead; to Robin] Well, that's not what you want.


 * [Ted has missed out on a sure thing for the wedding weekend and the Templar Knight appears again]
 * Templar Knight: She chose... Wesley. I've been waiting to say that!

No Questions Asked [9.07]

 * [Lily complains to the manager about Room 13]
 * Manager: So you're saying you didn't order room service and you didn't order Prison Sluts 9?
 * Lily: I'm saying I did not order room service.


 * [When Ted learns why Marshall never gave Lily a No Questions Asked, he asks to talk to Lily.]
 * Lily: You want to tell me what's going on?
 * Marshall: Yes, I was offered a judgeship in New York and I took it even though we agreed to move to Rome. I'm gonna be a judge. [pause] Lily?
 * Lily: You know Marshall, I don't believe in ghosts and I'm not sure anyone died in our room... but someone's going to.

The Lighthouse [9.08]

 * [Lily's angry over Ted's insistence about bringing Cassie to the lighthouse]
 * Lily: Pull your head out of your ass, Mosby! Do you think Marshall always makes me happy? Sometimes, being him is a real trial - [grunts] trial [breaks glass]. Huh, did it to myself that time. Ted [takes brochure] it's time to settle. Take this normal-sized chick up to the lighthouse, fall in love with her and quit bothering us with your dumb love life stuff! God, I'm so sick of being smarter than everyone else! [walks off to encounter Linus who holds fresh glass] You're slipping, Linus.
 * Linus: We're running out of glasses.


 * [Robin gets ready for her own scrambled eggs]
 * Robin: Okay, scrambled eggs. Here we go, where is the egg opener? [Barney and Lily shake heads] Never mind I'll prescramble them. [shakes eggs as Barney and Lily are still shaking heads] OK, fine Loretta. You know what, you win. I don't know how to cook egg.
 * Loretta Stinson: If you don't even know how to make scrambled eggs, I just worry what kind of breakfast you're gonna be serving my grandchildren.
 * Robin: [choking up] Oh, well, lucky you, because that is one thing you will never have to worry about. [leaves]
 * Barney: Mom, Robin can't have kids.

Platonish [9.09]

 * [Ted is defiant against Hammond Druthers' job offer]
 * Hammond Druthers: Look Ted, I can make your life very difficult.
 * Ted: How?
 * Druthers: How?!? I will call you a lot. I will Tweet at you like crazy. I will live on your Facebook wall!!
 * Ted: We're not Facebook friends.
 * Druthers: Yeah what's going on with that? It's been pending for like eight months now.


 * [Barney and a certain woman talk about Robin]
 * Barney: We tried dating a while back and it was a disaster but I'd - I always regret giving up. It just ended so quickly. [to woman] What about you? You and your boyfriend are gonna go the distance?
 * Woman: I don't know. I think maybe I still haven't met the right guy.
 * Barney: Wonder if I know someone I can set you up with. [contemplates] Drawn a blank.
 * Woman: Are you gonna get this girl or what?
 * Barney: I don't know. I'm kind of at my peak right now, I don't know if I can just walk away from the game.
 * Woman: Do you want to keep playing or do you want to win?
 * Barney: [pause] I want to win. What am I doing? In less than 20 minutes, Robin and I could be-
 * Woman: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. It's gonna take a lot more than 20 minutes. This is gonna take everything you have got. This is gonna take all of your time, all of your attention, all of your resources. This is the Big One, diaper-man. You got to do it right, can't be messing around picking up girls in drugstores. You got work to do. [leaves]

Mom and Dad [9.10]

 * [Barney and James are stunned to see Loretta and Sam Gibbs making out]
 * Barney: Get your damn hands off my mom!
 * James: Get your damn hands on my mom!
 * Rev. Sam Gibbs: One on, one off.
 * Barney: The hell is going on here?
 * Loretta Stinson: After you boys tracked him down a few years back, we got in touch, we became friends again, started hanging out...
 * Sam: And then one day, she went from being Loretta to being... Lo-retta.


 * [Daphne wakes up and sees that Marshall brought her to her daughter's school]
 * Daphne: Wait, this is -
 * Marshall: That's your daughter's school. You need to go in.
 * Daphne: She asked me not to come, Marshall. This doesn't make any sense!
 * Marshall: Kids don't understand logic. Kids understand who shows up.

Bedtime Stories [9.11]

 * Marshall: There there, little Marvin. Let no more tears fall.
 * We're going to see Mommy in no time at all.
 * Upon your arrival, you'll be hugged and kissed,
 * But when Mommy sees Daddy, she's gonna be pissed.


 * Ted: You can’t anoint yourself king like that jerk LeBron.
 * Barney: He left the Cavs three years ago, bro, give it up, move on.

The Rehearsal Dinner [9.12]

 * Robin: [flustered at Barney's deception] This is crazy, Barney. We can't have a marriage like this. A marriage has to be built on honesty and trust and all that Lily-and-Marshall crap.


 * Barney: [to Robin] Canadians also helped to win two world wars and gave the world Neil Young, William Shatner, Leonard Cohen, Pamela Anderson, one quarter of Barney Stinson, instant mashed potatoes, and best of all, you.

Bass Player Wanted [9.13]

 * Barney: You’re moving to Chicago? Is that even a real place? It’s a style of pizza. Ted, you can’t live in pizza.


 * [The Mother laments her failure to stand up to Darren and lead her band again]
 * The Mother: There are real villains in this world, but they don’t always get real justice, do they? You wanna believe karma is gonna get ‘em, but karma doesn’t always come through. I guess you have to accept that sometimes in life you just don’t get that knock-out punch.

Slapsgiving 3: Slappointment in Slapmarra [9.14]

 * [Barney's unnerved that Marshall's left hand went too close to his face]
 * Marshall: Itch! If you're really nervous, don’t think of it as a slap. Think of it as a high five... for your stupid face. [Barney cries again]


 * [Barney braces for Marshall's Slap of a Million Exploding Suns, and Robin is afraid.]
 * Robin: I love you.
 * Barney: Enough to take this slap for me?
 * Robin: [sadly] No. [goes behind Marshall]

Unpause [9.15]

 * [Robin and Ted interrogate a truth-serum-drunk Barney over his real job and when Barney explains everything...]
 * Barney: Well, as you know, back in my hippie days, a business man came into my coffee shop, told me money was all that mattered, and stole my girlfriend. That's when I decided to become awesome. But I had no idea how to break into the corporate world. So, hoping he wouldn't recognize me, I went to the one person from whom I knew I could learn everything.
 * Greg: Do we know each other, bro?
 * Barney: We're all connected in Gaia's great tapestry of... (clears throat) No. We don't. Bro.
 * Greg: Wow, you went to M.I.T. Pretty impressive.
 * Barney: I did get a perfect score on the A.C.T.'s. Advanced Card Tricks.
 * Greg: Well, look, buddy. You got a sweet résumé. But we don't have any openings you're qualified for.
 * Arrested Employee: They set me up! It was a trap! It's a trap!
 * Greg: We have one opening you'd be perfect for.
 * Barney: Great. What do I do?
 * Greg: Please. "Provide Legal Exculpation And Sign Everything." Just show up every day, scribble your name on a bunch of documents, and we'll pay you 16 craploads a year. Deets are in the contract. I'll give you time to think about it.
 * Barney: I'll take it.
 * Greg: Hold on. Did you even read this before signing it?
 * Barney: No.
 * Greg: [laughs] You're hired. We'll work on that.
 * Ted: Wait, that's your job? You sign sketchy legally-binding documents that could implicate you for god-knows-what?
 * Barney: Best job ever, right?


 * [Lily and Marshall finally hit Unpause over Italy and Marshall's judgeship but Marshall tries to Pause]
 * Lily: No Pause, that hobby is my dream. We're going to Italy.
 * Marshall: But it's my dream-
 * Lily: We are going to Italy!!
 * Marshall: Baby, could you just-
 * Lily: We are going to Italy!! Don't you get it? You went behind my back. You hurt me!! You were more selfish than I've ever been to you!
 * Marshall: [edgier voice] You broke up with me and moved to San Francisco.
 * Lily: Why are you bringing up San Francisco? That was seven years ago!
 * Marshall: Because you are being selfish all over again.
 * Lily: Marshall, I apologized over and over again. Now you're saying you've never forgiven me? There is nothing more important to me than our family, you know that!
 * Marshall: Well let me ask, what if you had found success in San Francisco? How do I know that you even would've come back to me?
 * Lily: Stop it..
 * Marshall: Are Marvin, and I, and any other future children we may have.... just some consolation prize?
 * Lily: [teary-eyed] I have to get out of here. [storms out of room]

How Your Mother Met Me [9.16]

 * [The Mother goes into Cindy's room after seeing someone leave behind her yellow umbrella]
 * The Mother: Okay, this is crazy. Do you know where this umbrella came from, because I could've sworn that I... [sees that Cindy has been crying] What's wrong? Are you okay?
 * Cindy: We broke up.
 * The Mother: Oh well I never liked him and I never thought he deserved you, and... I am sorry I didn't know you were dating someone. Who was this?
 * Cindy: He was the architecture professor, the one who taught Econ 305 by accident.
 * The Mother: Oh. That guy? Why did you break up?
 * Cindy: He's got a thing for you!
 * The Mother: [surprised] What?!?! He... what? ... He did.. what? How could he have a thing for me, he's never even met me.
 * Cindy: He didn't have to. Everything he saw of yours he went crazy for.
 * The Mother: You should have brought him to my room, okay. He would have run screaming once he saw my calligraphy set, my coin collection, my chainmail corset from the Renaissance fair... well that's pretty cool.
 * Cindy: Come on. How could he not be in love with you? The way you fall asleep on the couch when you're doing the crossword...
 * The Mother: [confused] When did he see me fall asleep on the -
 * Cindy: [staring at her intensely] The way your hair smells... The way your eyes sparkle... [She leans in and kisses the Mother on the lips, catching her off guard. Eventually, she pulls back] I think I might have some stuff to figure out.
 * The Mother: You might.
 * Cindy: [embarrassed] I'm so sorry.
 * The Mother: No, uh, it's okay. It was nice... I haven't been kissed in a really long time.


 * [The Mother steps out for a moment after Louis proposes to her]
 * The Mother: Hi Max, it's me. Sorry to interrupt, I know you're probably up there playing baseball with your Dad. Um look, I've got a situation here. I think that I've been holding myself back from falling in love again and I think it's because I can't let you go but [nearly breaks down] you're not here anymore, so... I have to ask this. Would it be okay if I moved on? I realize that you have no way of answering that, but [feels sudden gust of wind] okay. I'll take that as a yes. In that case, I should get back in there. [moves to door, but] I guess this is it. For real this time... Bye, Max.

Sunrise [9.17]

 * [Ted admits that he broke up with Victoria because of Robin, who wants to know the truth]
 * Ted: I'm not gonna answer the question, because you know the answer. You want to talk about my Top Five? There's no Top Five, Robin, there's just a Top One - and it's you. And the only reason I'm saying it is, 'cuz I know it's not gonna change anything. You and Barney are getting married today. If I have to hold the shotgun myself, it's happening.
 * Robin: I thought you don't like guns.
 * Ted: I'm the best man. I swore on the Bro Code. I don't want to go to Bro Hell.
 * Robin: Bro Hell sounds bad.
 * Ted: I'm sure Barney's got a whole thing about Bro Hell.
 * Robin: But... What about when we get back from our honeymoon? What about our first night out at the bar, what then? Is it gonna be weird?
 * Ted: No.
 * Robin: How can you be so sure?
 * Ted: Because I'm not gonna be there. I'm moving to Chicago.

<hr width=50%/>
 * [Barney counsels Justin and Kyle on The Game]
 * Barney: A few final thoughts. Don't get married 'til you're 30. Play laser tag at least once a week. Give as many high-fives as you're gonna get. Teacup pigs are lady magnets but very hard to care for - not worth the effort. The same goes for dogs and babies. And most importantly, whatever you do in this life, it's not legendary unless your friends are there to see it. Good luck, boys. [gives them napkins detailing pages of the Playbook] Take care of the Game for me. [leaves]

Rally [9.18]

 * [Marshall and Lily help Marvin settle on his first day of college at Wesleyan in 2030]
 * Lily: My baby boy's in college. Did you pack enough undies?
 * Marvin Waitforit Eriksen: Yes, Mom! [shushes]
 * Marshall: Your father did a lot of puking in these hallowed halls - from binge studying. [to Lily] Saved it.
 * Lily: That reminds me mister, no underage drinking. No good comes from hanging out in bars and getting drunk.
 * Marvin: But every story from your 20s starts in a bar.
 * Marshall: [stern] Listen to your mother.

<hr width=50%/>
 * [Having tried to rouse Barney, Lily asks for the secret ingredient to his special hangover elixir, but...]
 * Barney: [groggy] The secret ingredient... is nothing.
 * Robin, Lily, Marshall, and Ted: Huh?!
 * Ted: I ate too much bacon.
 * Barney: Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir is a lie... That's the secret. [collapses]

Vesuvius [9.19]

 * [Lily just turned off the TV as Robin is watching The Wedding Bride Too]
 * Robin: Did you just turn off the bride's TV on her wedding day?
 * Lily: Oh oh, is this your wedding day? I'm sorry! Couldn't tell, because you're acting like its any other Sunday morning, and it's not!
 * Robin: Lily, if you're waiting for me to suddenly turn into the wedding bride, you just give up, that's not me.
 * Lily: Fine, maybe we should just act like this wedding's no big deal, and you know what? I don't feel like wearing my bridesmaid's dress.
 * Robin: Great, it's just a wedding. Who cares what people wear?
 * Ted: [shows Barney another suit in a different room] SAY YES TO THIS SUIT!!!
 * Barney: [crying] I can't. I can't! [Ted throws suit on to the floor]

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 * [Ted has just narrated to The Mother how Robin's mother made it to Farhampton]
 * Ted: And that's the story, right down to the surprise ending.
 * The Mother: Is that really such a surprise? I mean, come on. Yeah, of course she showed up. What mother wouldn't want to be at her daughter's wedding? [Ted offers no answer. When she looks up from her coffee, she sees that he has started to weep as a result of her comment] Oh, hey. No. Come on.
 * Ted: [sniffles] It's okay. I'm fine. I'm okay.

Daisy [9.20]

 * [Marshall talks to Lily after discovering her positive pregnancy test]
 * Marshall: Lily... you're gonna have a baby?
 * Lily: [pause, teary-eyed] I told you guys I could keep a secret. [embraces Marshall]
 * Robin: Uh Barney, this is my mom.
 * Barney: Hi!
 * Genevieve Scherbatsky: Hello - [shakes Barney's hand but startled at embrace] Oh! He's a hugger. Nothing like your dad.
 * Lily: [to Marshall] I'm sorry, I was gonna tell you tonight -
 * Marshall: No, oh my God no that's fine. There’s so much we have to do. We have to do research on, uh, hospitals in Italy. We have to -
 * Lily: We’re not going to Italy.
 * Marshall: Of course we are. Lily, we have to do this. You’re going to live in Rome. And you’re going to get your dream, 'cause you’re giving me mine — again.
 * Lily: But there's gonna be all sorts of paperwork - and if she's born outside of the US, she could never become President!
 * Marshall: [startled] It's a girl?
 * Lily: Oh I don't know, but in my mind, I kinda think she is!
 * Marshall: I love you so much. [embraces Lily]

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 * [Robin's mother tries to comfort her daughter]
 * Genevieve Scherbatsky: Oh darling, you're going to be fine. You know for every marriage in the world like I had with your dad, there's a marriage like [points to Marshall and Lily inside the bride's room] those two in there. Marriage is terrifying. It's like flying, you know - you're filled with a mortal dread, but if you find someone you feel safe with, it's like, flying! But if you got someone that is really there for you, someone you can depend on, you're gonna be fine. Do you have someone like that?
 * Robin: [contemplates] I do.

Gary Blauman [9.21]

 * [Barney recalls hating Gary Blauman because he ate four of Barney's French fries at MacLaren's, one of which being...]
 * Ted: You don't take a man's accidental curly!
 * Marshall: You take a man's wife before you take his accidental curly!
 * Lily: If you wanted curly fries so bad, why not just order them in the first place? [scoffed at by the guys]
 * Ted: Yeah, that's what you want? All curly fries?
 * Marshall: Regular cut, with a few accidental curlies, that's what you want!
 * Barney: That's the dream!
 * Ted: He is right. That is the dream.

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 * [Future Ted reflects on Gary Blauman coming back to the wedding after being told off by the gang]
 * Future Ted: You will be shocked, kids, when you discover how easy it is in life to part ways with people forever. That's why when you find someone you want to keep around, you do something about it.
 * Ted: [to Mother] So I guess... goodnight.
 * The Mother: Goodnight. [shares long kiss with Ted] Unless, do you want to walk around some more? It's still early.
 * Ted: Sure.
 * The Mother: [Walks off ahead, but sees Ted looking at her] What are you doing?
 * Ted: [pauses] Remembering this.
 * The Mother: [smiles and offers hand] Come on. [they walk off]

The End of the Aisle [9.22]

 * [Robin calls Ted on letting Barney take credit for finding her locket, and thinks she should go to Chicago with Ted]
 * Ted: Stop, stop! You're saying this because you're scared! I am not your future. Barney is.
 * Robin: Shouldn't I be with a guy who finds me my locket? The guy who steals me the blue French horn? I mean look me in the eye and tell me why shouldn't I be with that guy?
 * Ted: Because I'm not that guy anymore.
 * Robin: Then why did you work so hard to find me my locket?
 * Ted: It was a wedding gift.
 * Robin: Ted stop it, okay? I've known you better than that. This is more than a wedding gift.
 * Ted: Maybe it started out that way. Maybe some part of me thought—
 * Robin: —that you still loved me.
 * Ted: Maybe, but the truth is…I don't love you like that anymore, and you don't love me. You love Barney, and if you think I would ever be part of screwing that up, then maybe you don't know me at all, Robin.
 * Robin: Oh, I can't shake it, I can't shake this feeling that nothing about me and Barney makes any sense!
 * Ted: But love doesn't make sense! I mean, you can't logic your way in or out of it. Love is totally nonsensical. But we have to keep doing it, or else we're lost, and love is dead, and humanity should just pack it in. Because love is the best thing we do. Look, I know that sounds cheesy, but it's just true. You love Barney, and he loves you. And that doesn't have to make sense…to make sense.

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 * [Having failed to help Barney write his vows, Marshall and Lily go to the church for their own updated vows]
 * Marshall: I vow to keep at least 80% of these vows.
 * Lily: That seems high.
 * Marshall: And I vow to keep them updated as we go, because one set of vows can't cover a lifetime of growing and changing with you, of raising children with you. Falling more and more in love with you every day, Lily Aldrin, which is what I vow to do for the rest of my life.
 * Lily: [tears] Crap, I already broke my crying vow.
 * Marshall: I'll forgive you. [kisses Lily]

Part I

 * [Ted and The Mother meet at McLaren's over a wedding matter]
 * Ted: Did you wire the down payment to the castle guy? [to Barney] I got a castle guy.
 * Barney: I've got, like, three castle guys. And a moat guy.
 * The Mother: So I didn't wire the payment because I don't think we can get married in September.
 * Ted: What-What, why? -
 * The Mother: Because, when I do get married, I kind of want to fit in my dress. [makes belt motion around waist]
 * Ted: Why wouldn't you f - [catches on that The Mother is pregnant] No!!

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 * [Lily sees Robin leaving the apartment farewell bash in October 2016. She insists on Robin staying for the gang, but...]
 * Robin: The gang? Do you know who the gang is to me, Lily? Here's what the gang is - A married couple who I never see anymore, about to have their third kid, it's my ex-husband hitting on slutty cops right in front of me, and it's the guy I probably should have ended up with and the beautiful mother of his child. Who in their right mind would call that group of people ‘the gang’?

Part II

 * [Barney sees the baby girl he sired with No 31 from The Perfect Month]
 * Nurse: This is Ellie. [hands baby to Barney] I'll give you guys a minute. [leaves]
 * Barney: [teary-eyed at seeing his daughter] You are the love of my life. Everything I have, and everything I am... is yours [nearly breaks down] Forever. [kisses baby]

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 * Ted: And that, kids, is how I met your mother.
 * Penny Mosby: That's it?
 * Ted: That's it.
 * Penny: No. I don't buy it. That is not the reason you made us listen to this.
 * Ted: Oh, really? Then what's the reason?
 * Penny: Let's look at the facts here. You made us sit down and listen to this story about how you met Mom, yet Mom's hardly in the story. No. This is a story about how you're totally in love with Aunt Robin. And you're thinking of asking her out, and you want to know if we're okay with it.
 * Ted: I can't believe this. I kept this story short and to the point, and you guys still missed it. The point of this story is that -
 * Penny: Is that you totally, totally, totally have the hots for Aunt Robin.
 * Ted: No, I don't.
 * Penny: Yes, you do.
 * Ted: You're grounded.
 * Luke Mosby: Wow, you're really into Aunt-
 * Ted: You're grounded too! Okay, suppose I were interested in Aunt Robin in that way, it's not like I'd do anything about it. I got you guys to think about.
 * Penny: Dad, we love Aunt Robin.
 * Luke: Whenever she comes home for dinner, you guys are so obvious. [Ted goes quiet]
 * Penny: Come on, Dad. Mom's been gone for six years now. It's time.