I Am America (And So Can You!)

I Am America (And So Can You!) (2007) is a satirical book by Stephen Colbert, Paul Dinello, Richard Dahm, Allison Silverman and the writers of The Colbert Report. The book is loosely structured around Colbert's fictionalized life story; as he claims to be America, this is America's story.

Introduction

 * I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read.  Don't make a habit of it.


 * Like our Founding Fathers, I hold my Truths to be self-evident, which is why I did absolutely no research.

Chapter One: The Family

 * A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?


 * A messy home sends a coded message to children: "I'm not loveable. Otherwise, Mom would dust."

Chapter Two: Old People

 * Since seniors can't read this, I can say whatever I want about them. They look like lizards.

Chapter Three: Animals

 * So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.

Chapter Four: Religion

 * Terrible name for a war. Never set a date for withdrawal.
 * On the Hundred Years' War.


 * Protestantism: This is a variant form of Christianity, or "heresy".


 * Quit trying to steal our spot as guiltiest religion, Jews! If your mother knew about this blatant theft, it would kill her—kill her.


 * A whole bunch of magical beings based on different parts of nature? That's not a religion, that's Pokemon.  Which shows how Shinto hooks you - once you've prayed to a few spirits, you've "gotta catch 'em all!"


 * Agnostics: Atheists without balls.

Chapter Five: Sports

 * Pointing out an adversary's flaws is a tradition as old as wife-stealing.


 * Diving: Not sure what the big achievement is in walking off the end of a plank and succumbing to gravity. Big deal. To really make the divers demonstrate some skill, the diving events should be held in a zero-G environment like the International Space Station.

1st Base: Polite Chatter 2nd Base: Eye Contact 3rd Base: A Randy Joke "Why did the mayonnaise blush? Because it saw the salad dressing." Home: Furious Dry Humping
 * The Abstinence Bases:

Chapter Six: Sex and Dating

 * Sex is like the death penalty: One outcome, so many different ways of carrying it out.

Chapter Seven: Homosexuals

 * The biggest threat facing America today - next to socialized medicine, the Dyson vacuum cleaner, and the recumbent bicycle - is Gay Marriage.


 * Now marriage involves a lot of sacrifice. For instance, my wife frowns on me having sex with anyone but her.  If marriage is suddenly available to everyone, I'm not sure I want to make those sacrifices.

Chapter Eight: Higher Education

 * Pain is the body's way of telling the brain it's in trouble. Similarly, confusion is the brain's way of telling the body, "All right, buddy, drop that book."

Chapter Nine: Hollywood

 * It's frighteningly intimate and, worst of all, you've got no control. It's like breaking up with a girl in person.

Chapter Ten: The Media

 * What's wrong with NPR? Just listen to Morning Edition. This is by far the least zany "Morning Zoo" ever to hit the airwaves.  Instead of the get-up-and-go-larity provided by your local Scott and Tom, or Ted and Zeke, or Denise and Santana, or Coyote Mike and The Beemer, Morning Edition presents NPR's measured barbituate vibe.  It's a wonder the lefties who wake up to it are able to get out of bed.

Chapter Eleven: Class War

 * Ever have a nagging suspicion you're poor? I know my staff does.

Chapter Twelve: Race

 * Suddenly, the world was divided. White people had their drinking fountains, and Black people had their drinking fountains. White people had their schools, and Black people had their drinking fountains.

Chapter Thirteen: Immigrants

 * So let's take that beautiful idea to its logical conclusion and not only leave the past behind but deny the past ever happened. Like this: America is not a land of immigrants.  There.  Was that so hard to say?  It makes sense if you think about it.  It feels like we've been here forever, doesn't it?  Let's just assume we have been.

Chapter Fourteen: Science

 * I've said it before... science is elitist. Making rules, setting boundaries, constantly telling us what is and isn't flammable - all without input from the very people who are expected to abide by those laws.  I know I never consented to Gravity Without Representation.

Quotes about I Am America (And So Can You!)

 * I Am America And So Can You was co-written by a six week old lab puppy named Riley. Jimmy, roll the tape. [Footage of Stephen sitting at a desk with a computer, with a lab puppy in his lap.] Let it out, whatever you wanna type. You just type away, You just type away. That's right, if they don't support the war, then they're phony soldiers. That's right, grrr [Using the dog's paws to type.] Ooh, spell check says that's wrong.
 * Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report