It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (season 5)


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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is an American television sitcom on FX. It moved to FXX beginning with the ninth season. The series follows the exploits of "The Gang", a group of self-centered friends who run the Irish bar Paddy's Pub in South Philadelphia.

The Gang Exploits the Mortgage Crisis [5.01]

 * Dennis: No, no, of course we shouldn't bash these people up.  Look, okay, absolutely, we could cave the husband's skull in here.  Yes, we could take the wife down to the basement, have a frenzied free-for-all with her.  We could tie the kids up in their little rooms upstairs, so they wouldn't hear anything.....
 * Mac: In that scenario you'd have to kill the kids because they would have seen our faces.
 * Dennis: Right; we could smear the walls with their blood, guys... There are any number of twisted scenarios that could play out here. But the easiest thing, really, is to just go get the deed.
 * Charlie: Right, why get weird?


 * Charlie: All right, you're getting hung up on "can't", and I'm not saying that you can't. I'm saying that it is illegal.
 * Dennis: No, but it's not illegal.


 * Charlie: Says the guy who knows nothing about the law!
 * Dennis: I can absolutely keep a hummingbird as a pet, bro. It's no different than having a parrot or a parakeet. It's a bird, bro.
 * Charlie: You really can't, and I'm not saying I agree with it. It's just that bird law in this country—it's not governed by reason.
 * Dennis: There's no such thing as "bird law".
 * Charlie: Yes, there is.
 * Dennis: You know what? I'm going to get a hummingbird and I'll show you.
 * Charlie: Hummingbirds...hummingbirds are illegal tender!
 * Dennis: I'm going to get one.
 * Charlie: You cannot.
 * Dennis: To spite you, I'm going to get one.
 * Mac: Where are we with gulls?
 * Charlie: You can keep a gull as a pet, but you don't want to live with a seabird, okay, 'cause the noise level alone on those things...have you ever heard a gull up close? It's going to blast your eardrums out, dude.


 * Lawyer: You know what? This family, behind me, has 90 days to vacate. Until then, you can't touch them.
 * Frank: That's bullbird man.
 * Charlie: Alright.
 * Frank: Whaddaya got there?
 * Charlie: Lemme handle this, Frank. It's not bullbird. He's making a few good points. Look buddy, I know a lot about the law and various other lawyerings, uh, I'm well educated, well versed. I know that situations like this, real-estate wise, are complex.
 * Lawyer: Actually, they're pretty simple. The forms are all standard boiler-plate.
 * Charlie: Okay. Well we're all hungry. We'll get to our hot-plates soon enough. Let's talk about the contract here.
 * Lawyer: I'm sorry, I forgot. Where did you go to law school again?
 * Charlie: Well I could ask you that very same question.
 * Lawyer: I went to Harvard.
 * Charlie: Ah, mhm.
 * Lawyer: How about you? Hm? Uh?
 * Charlie: I'm pleading the fifth, sir.
 * Lawyer: I'd advise that you do that.
 * Charlie: And I'll take that advice into cooperation, alright? Now what say you and I go toe-to-toe on bird-law and see how comes out the victor?
 * Lawyer: You know, I don't think I'm going to do anything close to that and I can see clearly you know nothing about the law. It seems like you have a tenuous grasp of the English language in general.
 * Charlie: (said as fly flies past his head) I, uh, well, filibuster!
 * Lawyer: Do you.. Do you know what that word means?
 * Charlie: Ah-yup!
 * Lawyer: Yeah, whats that mean?
 * Charlie: uhhhhhhh. AHHHHHHH!!!(proceeds to slam through the door)


 * Charlie: I knew that guy was full of shit! I knew it!
 * Dennis: What guy?
 * Charlie: That lawyer guy, okay. He totally besmirched me today, and I demand satisfaction.
 * Mac: You want him to bang you?
 * Charlie: Mac, be serious. He slandered me in front of a jury of my own peers. Look what they used to do when that sort of thing happened

[shows gang history book]
 * Charlie: . Take a look at this picture. What do you see?
 * Mac: I see two trannies shooting at each other.
 * Charlie: No, dude. They're dueling, okay? These are lawyers settling an argument by dueling it out.
 * Dennis: How do you know that the two trannies are lawyers?
 * Charlie: [slams book, looking at Frank] Because it's an old book, okay? I don't need to explain everything to you about what I know. I'm trying to... get satisfied... From this dude... and you're trying to...
 * Charlie: [giving up and leaving] I'm getting satisfied.

The Gang Hits the Road [5.02]

 * Mac: I want my 35 cents back. Charlie, give him the pear.
 * Charlie: I can't, I just ate it.
 * Mac: The whole thing?
 * Charlie: Yeah, it was pretty gross.
 * Mac: The stem and then the, and the core?!
 * Charlie: You didn't tell me not to eat the stem dude!
 * Mac: Did you eat the stickers that are all over it?!
 * Charlie: Yeah, it was gross.
 * Mac: Of course it's gross, it's a sticker bro!
 * Charlie: I eat stickers all the time dude!
 * Mac: Oh my god, this whole thing is a disaster... I... I'm going back to the car...


 * Mac: I'm saying I did an ocular assessment of the situation garnered that he was not a security risk and I cleared him for passage.


 * Charlie: Nice tape job but, I noticed you stopped at the grill.
 * Dennis: Ran out of tape but, I measured the opening of the door and it's shorter than the height of the grill.


 * Dee: Maybe you shouldn't have your window open!
 * Mac: maybe you shouldn't be throwing jars of piss out the window!

The Great Recession [5.03]

 * Frank: All right, now, pretend that this shoe is an unboned chicken. And you're gonna cook it tonight, make a tasty dinner. It's gonna smell all through the house like cooked chicken.
 * Beth: Actually, I'm vegan.
 * Frank: Okay then pretend this shoe is whatever you people eat. Maybe it is a shoe.
 * Dee: Nice one.




 * Charlie: We're crab people now Dee.
 * Dee: Crab people, Charlie?




 * Dennis: Maybe we should take a page out of ol' D &B's book.


 * Charlie: We live and die by the crab, Dee.

The Gang Gives Frank an Intervention [5.04]

 * Dennis: By the way you guys, can I just say as a side note, I am loving this can-wine thing, I think it's brilliant. I mean I'm active, I'm gesturing with my hands, and I don't feel restricted. If I was holding a wine glass right now I'd be spilling wine all over the god damn place.




 * Mac: Does anybody else feel really uncomfortable?
 * Charlie: Yes, we're completely under-dressed. It's embarrassing.
 * Dennis: What are we doing here Frank? What's your angle?
 * Frank: I want to bang your Aunt Donna.
 * Dennis: Why would you want to bang our mom's sister at the funeral of her husband?
 * Frank: Well, I don't know how many years on this Earth I got left. I'm going to get real weird with it.  Meanwhile, block the wind.  I'm going to roast this bone.
 * Mac: Jesus Christ!




 * Mac: Okay, Frank, here's another idea..
 * Frank: Whoa! Whoa! Where'd you come from?
 * Mac: I've been walking next to you the entire time.
 * Frank: Sorry, I'm a little...I'm a little lit. I've been going over this thing, I'm trying to figure out how...
 * Mac: How to bang Donna. I know. You've been talking about it for the last 5 miles.




 * Dennis: What kind of a person salts another human being? There's no joy in salting someone.




 * Charlie: My god, there's not enough salt in the world for her.




 * Charlie: But if I'm being honest my problem is less with the fact he is drinking and more that he is doing it without me. And then I start thinking, what's wrong with me? Am I not fun to drink with?
 * Dennis: Oh, no, no. Don't do that to yourself. You're plenty of fun to drink with. Trust me Charlie, you really get drunk and then you get reckless. Its a lot of fun.




 * Tabitha: You know I do offer group therapy.
 * Charlie: Yeah, okay.
 * Dee: What is this? What are you doing?
 * Dennis: What? What is that?
 * Tabitha: With all due respect, you're talking about bringing guns to an intervention and you're drinking wine out of a soda can.
 * Dee: Yeah.
 * Dennis: Oh. you put wine in the soda can?
 * Dee: You didn't know did you?
 * Dennis: That is good.
 * Charlie: Ahh, you stole Frank's idea.
 * Dee: Yeah yeah yeah. Its actually is a pretty good idea.
 * Charlie: Well its a good idea. I mean the guy has great ideas.
 * Dee: He is a smart man, that is not what we're here about.




 * Charlie: Well I guess my letter would be about how Frank and I aren't really making memories together anymore. And you know how when we don't make memories together that's a hurtful thing for me.
 * Dennis: Okay. Uhh, you know let's just dive right in I'm not even going to try and suss out where you're going with that one.
 * Charlie: Right. Um, number one, when was the last time we played Night Crawlers together, Frank?
 * Dennis: Oh, uh, okay. Wha-what is that?
 * Charlie: Well, its not about you... why don't you just right it down and then... ?
 * Dennis: Yeah, but you said it... you said Night Crawlers. Now... now I feel like I can't... move past it. I gotta know what that is.
 * Charlie: It... its no big deal, you know. If I were you I'd just write it down cause its not really a big deal.
 * Dennis: What is it?
 * Charlie: Its... what it sounds like.
 * Dennis: What it sounds like is that you two crawl around like worms at night. That's what it sounds like.
 * Charlie: This is not about you.

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 * Dennis: As a matter of fact I'm starting to think think we need to intervene on you for your goddamn illiteracy.
 * Dee: Yeah, Charlie, you are getting real dumb.
 * Charlie: Come on, alright, this is what I'm talking about. Illiteracy. You know, what does that word even mean?

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 * Dee & Dennis: Intervention! Intervention!
 * Charlie: Whoop! Whoop!
 * Charlie & Dennis: You're trapped! You're trapped! You're trapped!

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 * Charlie: Hyah! Hyah! Get out of here snail! Hyah! Go snail! Go! Hyah!


 * Mac: Oh my god, salt the snail! Salt the snail! Go!


 * Charlie: Oh my god. That was a terrible experience for me by the way.
 * Dennis: Of course, nobody likes salting the snail but she gives you no choice.
 * Dee: She doesn't leave you with any options.
 * Charlie: Horrible thing. I'm all worked up now. I feel bad I feel like maybe... I should have some more wine in a can.

The Waitress is Getting Married [5.05]

 * Charlie: Do wasps make honey?
 * Dennis: No wasps do not make honey.
 * Charlie: Alright well I'm gonna check it out anyway, there could be something delicious in here that wasps do make and I want that.

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 * Dennis: Hey yo! Hey what's..what...what are you doing there buddy?
 * Charlie: Argh! I'm trying to smoke these hornets to death so I can get their honey, but they keep flying up the tube, stinging me on my face and I think I just swallowed one.
 * Dennis: As I tried to explain before, you can not get honey from a hornet's nest.
 * Charlie: I just don't think there's any science to support that, buddy.
 * Dennis: There is some very basic science out there supporting that.
 * Charlie: No, no.
 * Dennis: Trust me, pal. Okay, it's actually a fact. It's not even science.

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 * Charlie: Tell you what, let me pop a quick H on this box this way we all know that it's filled with hornets.

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 * Dennis: Let's talk about your likes and dislikes. Umm…how about your favorite food, what would that be?
 * Charlie: Oh, milk-steak.
 * Dennis and Mac: (simultaneously) Hmm?
 * Dennis: What?
 * Charlie: Milk-steak.
 * Dennis: I’m not putting milk-steak.
 * Mac: Just put regular steak and then-
 * Charlie: Don’t put regular steak, put milk-steak, she’ll know what it is.
 * Dennis: No she won’t know what it is! Nobody knows what that is.  Okay, alright what’s your favorite hobby?
 * Charlie: Uhh…magnets.
 * Dennis: Wha-like making magnets, collecting magnets?
 * Mac: Playing with magnets?
 * Charlie: Just magnets.
 * Dennis: I’m just gonna put snowboarding. We’ll just put snowboarding.
 * Charlie: I don’t really snowboard.
 * Dennis: What are some of your likes?
 * Charlie: Uhh…ghouls
 * Mac: Son of a bitch. What are you talking about?
 * Charlie: Just funny little green ghouls.
 * Dennis: W-What like in movies, or in cartoons?
 * Charlie: Little green ghoul buddies!
 * Mac: Don’t write ghouls!
 * Dennis: I’m not! I’m putting travel! Jesus Christ, what are your dislikes?
 * Charlie: People's knees.
 * Dennis: Oh come on dude! Come on!
 * Mac: Bro, you gotta be kid-you know what we’ll just make it all up.
 * Dennis: We’ll make the whole thing up.
 * Mac: We’ll doctor the picture.
 * Dennis: We aren’t even going to use you for this.
 * Charlie: Cover your knees up if you're gonna be walking around everywhere.
 * Charlie: Cover your knees up if you're gonna be walking around everywhere.

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 * Charlie: [trying to say that he is a philanthropist] I'm a full-on-rapist.

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 * Charlie: Yes, my good man, I'll have the milk steak, boiled over hard, and your finest jelly beans...raw.

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 * ''(After everything at the waitress's bachelorette party goes awful)"
 * Frank: This is depressing. (To Artemis) Want to go get sweaty in the bathroom?
 * Artemis: You know it.
 * Dee: (angrily) No! No one's getting sweaty in my bathroom! Just get out of here!
 * Frank: Alright fine! We'll go get sweaty in the Wendy's bathroom.
 * Dee: Great, go have sex at Wendy's! Wonderful! just get out of here!

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 * Frank: So the Wendy's manager was like "You gotta clean dat up!" and I was like they're your hamburgers you clean them up. Artemis was all bummed out about something I did to myself with the onions and now she won't talk to me.

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 * Charlie: Sorry about that, some guy in the bathroom wouldn't give me his shirt.

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 * Charlie: You don't know shit about chicks!!!
 * Dennis: oh! we don't know shit about chicks?? so guess what bro, the waitress is getting married so suck on that!!!.......

The World Series Defense [5.06]

 * Charlie [in greenman costume]: Hey! Hey! Whoo! Whoo-hoo! Philly Phanatic! Philly Phrenetic! Huge fan, man! Seriously. Big time. [Philly Phanatic offers a hug] Are you serious? Do you mean that? Ha-ha! Bring it in, man. Bring it in. Ah, yeah! All right. Now, seriously. Man to man, mascot to mascot, I was wondering maybe if you could help get me in the game, you know, maybe hook me up with a Green Man routine. We do it at the stadium together. [Philly Phanatic belly bumps Charlie] So All right, now- I'm trying to talk to you, dude. I'm trying to have a conversation with you, you're belly bumping me. [Philly Phanatic offers a high-five but pulls it away when Charlie goes to high-five him]. I'll give you All right, don't big league me now here, man. Don't big league Look, I'm trying to have a conversation with the man behind the mask! I feel like you're big leaguing me, dude! Are you taking me seriously? [Philly Phanatic sticks his tongue out at Charlie] [Charlie punches and tackles the Phanatic]
 * Guy 1: Hey that dudes beating on the Phanatic.
 * Guy 2: Is that a hate crime?
 * Guy 1: Nah it's not a hate crime.
 * Guy 2: Wanna hammer his ass anyway?
 * Guy 1: Definitely.

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 * Mac, Dee, and Dennis: Oh! Whoomp, there it is Whoomp, there it is.
 * Charlie: And I will toss on Green Man and run around the field and go crazy as Green Man.
 * Dee and Dennis: No, no, no, no, no.
 * Mac: Whoomp, there it goes.

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 * Dee: [reading a letter Mac wrote to baseball player Chase Utley] Alright, Oh shit there's stickers. "Dear Chase, I feel like I can call you Chase because you and me are so much alike." Really? "I would love to meet you some day, it would be great to have a catch. I know I can't throw as fast as you but I think you would be impressed with my speed. I love your hair. You run fast. Did you have a good relationship with your father? Me neither. These are all things we can talk about and more. I know you have not been getting my letters because I know you would write back if you did, and I hope you write back this time and we get to be good friends. I am sure our relationship would be a real 'home run.'"

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 * Dennis: I hate to tell you this bro, but you do not have the core strength to scale the facade of Citizens Bank, you just don't.
 * Mac: What?! I work out all the time!
 * Dennis: Yeah but you only work out your glamour muscles and you know it.
 * Mac: I work out my core.
 * Dennis: No you do not work out your core. You're totally arm heavy, you're all bi's and tri's and everything else is just fat and, and ribs.
 * Mac: Bro I can do way more push ups than you and that's like 16 different muscle groups I think.
 * Dennis: That is beyond retarded what you're saying right now. I can do way more push ups then you even though I was just hit by a car...

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 * Mac: I do not appreciate being paraphrased. I choose my words very deliberately.

The Gang Wrestles for the Troops [5.07]

 * Dennis: Can I stop you guys for one second? What you just described, now that just sounds like we are singing about the lifestyle of an eagle.


 * Charlie: Yeah.


 * Mac: Mm-hmm.


 * Dennis: Well I was under the impression we were presenting ourselves as bird-MEN which, to me, is infinitely cooler than just sort of... being a bird.

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 * Charlie: Look at this, dude. That's just a bucket of chestnuts.
 * Dennis: Who has-
 * Mac: What, is he just foraging for his food?
 * Charlie: I don't know, why the hell would you have a bucket of chestnuts, bro?!

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 * The Gang: [singing] Stomp! Clap! Stomp! Stomp! Clap! Stomp! Clap! Stomp! Stomp! Clap! The eagle's born out of thunder. He flies through the night. Don't you mess with his eggs now, or you'll see us fight! Yes we have feathers, but the muscles of men. 'Cuz we're birds of war now, but we're also men! Birds of war! Ah ah ah ah!!

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 * FRANK: It's time to take The Trash Man out of retirement!

Paddy's Pub: Home of the Original Kitten Mittens [5.08]

 * Dennis: You drew a man's buttocks on a towel!
 * Mac: Yeah. You get out of the shower in the college dorm, they got the butt, right, people are laughing --
 * Dennis: Oh, okay, yeah.
 * Mac: Your buddies are laughing. And then, and then you give 'em one of these. Boom.
 * Dennis: Oh, that is big.
 * Mac: That's a big monster dick.
 * Dennis: That's huge.
 * Mac: That's the biggest dick you ever seen.
 * Dennis: Yeah, that's really --
 * Mac: Right?
 * Dennis: That's not how you see yourself, though...
 * Mac: That's funny.
 * Dennis: That is funny.
 * Mac: That's funny.
 * Dennis: Yeah, people are gonna laugh at that.
 * Mac: But that's just a setup.
 * Dennis: What is it?
 * Mac: For this. Ding-ding-ding!
 * Dennis: Oh, it's a baby dick!
 * Mac: Yeah. We're gonna sell a million of these.
 * Dennis: We are gonna sell a million of those, dude.
 * Mac: We'll do black ones and yellow ones, for the Asians.
 * Dennis: Yeah, that...
 * Mac: This is probably more Asian than anything else.
 * Dennis: Dude, yeah, oh my gosh.
 * Mac: Maybe a little bit more bush.
 * Dennis: Well, you know what we should do? We should set up a website for it.
 * Mac: Already did it.
 * Dennis: What? You did?
 * Mac: Dick towel dot com.

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 * Dennis: I'll tell you what buddy, I can help you out. I'm gonna toss a frame-bang your way.  Here's how that works: I slip into your house one night while your wife is sleeping.. and I ease into her real nice.  That way you're both cheating on each other and she can't clean you out.

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 * Dennis: You bet your ass I'm wearing women's underwear!

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 * Charlie: We're both men of the law. You know. We get after it. You know, we jabber jaw, we go tit for tat. We have our little differences. But at the end of the day, you win some, I win some, and there's a mutual respect left over between us.

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 * Charlie: I'll just regress, because I feel I've made myself perfectly redundant.

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 * Charlie: Hello, Charlie Kelly here, local business owner and cat enthusiast. Is your cat making too much noise all the time?! Is your cat constantly stomping around, driving you crazy?! (monster noises) Is your cat clawing at your furnitures? Think there’s no answer? You’re so stupid! There is: Kitten Mittens. [KITTEN MITTONS!!] Finally, there's an elegant, comfortable mitten for cats… (cat stumbles around while cricket noises play) I couldn’t hear anything! Is your cat one-legged? Is your cat fat, skinny, or an in-between? That doesn’t matter, cause one-size-fits-all! Kitten Mittens: "You’ll be smitten!" So, come on down to Paddy’s Pub. We’re the hoooooooommee of the original Kitten Mittens. Meeeeeeeeeeowwwww!

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 * Mac: Two guns! Six boobs! We're all on the same team!

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 * Charlie: Guess who just found some investors for kitten mittens?
 * Dee: I told you, people love stupid shit!
 * Charlie: Why do you keep calling it stupid, though?
 * Dee: It's really stupid. But people are stupid too, so...

Mac and Dennis Break Up [5.09]

 * Charlie: [holding a cat] This little lady is a calico cat. All calico cats are female.

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 * Dennis: Oh, do me a favor. Peel this apple for me, please.
 * Dee: No! No, I'm not gonna peel an apple for you!
 * Dennis: ...But Mac always does it for me.
 * Dee: Why does Mac peel your apples for you?
 * Dennis: He doesn't like for me to eat the apples with the skin on it, he says the skin's loaded with toxins.
 * Dee: Okay, well, good news - Mac's not here.
 * Dennis: I know he's not here and that's why I need you to do it for me, please? Please?
 * Dee: Oh, Jesus, just eat it with the skin on.
 * Dennis: I do not like it with the skin, Dee! I'm not allowed to eat it with the skin! I'M NOT ALLOWED!
 * Dee: Oh my god! Alright, if you just shut up, I will peel the apple for you the way Mac likes you to eat it. Give it to me, give it to me. I'll do it the way Mac insists, okay?

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 * Charlie: Cats do not abide by the laws of nature.

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 * Charlie: Cat in the wall, eh? Okay, now you're talking my language. I know this game.

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 * Dennis: Heyo!
 * Mac: Yo, where you been?
 * Dennis: What do you mean? I was getting the movie.
 * Mac: Yeah, but you weren't answering any of my calls. I've been, I've been calling you sort of over and over again.
 * Dennis: I was having a conversation with the video store clerk.
 * Mac: Yeah, but I texted you 911, dude. That means it's an emergency.
 * Dennis: Yeah, I saw that. What was the emergency, Mac?
 * Mac: Well, I couldn't get in touch with you, dude. I almost called the police.
 * Dennis: The police? That's a bit of an overreaction. I was gone for what, an hour?
 * Mac: Yeah, but I thought we had a deal. You know, you would check in every once in a while and then that way I would know that you were okay.
 * Dennis: Okay, I'm okay. Uh, I'm sorry, can we watch the movie?
 * Mac: Yeah, great, sure. The Transporter 2 ?
 * Dennis: Yeah, I, look, man, I..., I know you wanted to see Predator again but I feel like we've seen that 30 times in the last two months and thought maybe we could mix things up. Video store clerk guy said this movie is awesome, so...
 * Mac: The video store clerk guy. I feel like you won't stop talking about him.
 * Dennis: I asked him for a movie recommendation, okay?
 * Mac: Yeah, you got one.
 * Dennis: It's really not that big of a deal.
 * Mac: Well, the big deal, Dennis, is that I wasn't even consulted on the decision, okay? And this is a big deal to me, as well. It's also my night. Plus, Transporter 2? We haven't seen Transporter 1 which means we'll be completely lost... Plus, Jason Statham's physique is nothing like the line-up in Predator.
 * Dennis: Okay, will you stop? I don't want to have conversations anymore about dudes' physiques and whether they can...
 * Mac: Dennis, in body mass alone...
 * Dennis: That's what I was trying to avoid. A conversation about body mass, okay? We've had that conversation five times a day for the last month because we keep watching Predator and all you talk about is Weathers and Jesse "The Body" Ventura and how many pounds they can pack on...
 * Mac: It's important to pack on mass. You're talking about carbo-loading.
 * Dennis: I don't want to, I don't want to have this conversation with you anymore.
 * Mac: No, you'd rather have conversations with video store clerks.
 * Dennis: You know what, man, if you don't wanna watch the movie with me, that's fine. I will watch it by myself. Goddamn it!
 * Mac: Whoa, whoa, whoa, where is this coming from?
 * Dennis: I have been thinking a lot about what Dee said and I do think... maybe we are spending a little bit too much time together.

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 * Dee: Whoa, there are a lot of cats in this wall.
 * Charlie: Yeah, I put a lot of cats in that wall.

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 * Dennis: Hey, you want a skinless apple, bud?
 * Charlie: Yuuuuup.

The D.E.N.N.I.S. System [5.10]

 * Gladys: My grandmother was a lesbian.

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 * Dennis: Whoa, what the hell are you doing here?
 * Mac: I'm swooping in on your chick.
 * Dennis: Wha-? No, dude, I'm trying to re-D.E.N.N.I.S. this chick so I can shove it in Dee's face. What is this "swooping in" business?
 * Mac: Oh, that's my system, the M.A.C.: Move-in After Completion. I wait 'til you're done with them and I swoop in, give 'em a shoulder to cry on and then we hump.
 * Dennis: You've been humping these girls after I'm done with them?
 * Mac: Oh yeah, dude! I come in as the sensitive intellectual type. Why do you think I'm always reading books and shit when we do the spider routine?
 * Dennis: I thought you were just my wingman.
 * Mac: No... no, I'm swimming in your wake.
 * Frank: What are you two dickheads doing here?
 * Dennis: What are you doing here?
 * Frank: What do ya mean? I'm here for the scraps.
 * Mac: Frank, I haven't had a chance to get in there yet, okay? So just-
 * Frank: What do you- what's taking you so long?!
 * Dennis: Wait. Wait, wait, wait, you have a system where you come in after Mac?
 * Frank: That's right, I come in after Mac, but he's taking, like, forever this time. I got my magnum condoms, I got my wad'a hundreds; I'm ready to plow!
 * Mac: You should see him feast, he's like a mantis. It's amazing.
 * Frank: Oh, that's good. Call me that from now on. Mantis.
 * Dennis: No! Nobody's calling you Mantis- (Frank makes mantis noises) Look, you guys gotta back off, okay? I'm trying to re-D.E.N.N.I.S. this chick.
 * Frank: No, you back off-
 * Mac: Wait, wait, wait a second, Frank. He's right, it's a delicate ecosystem, we gotta- we gotta stick with it. Just let him do his thing and then we'll come in for seconds... and scraps. Just play it cool. Hurry up, though.
 * Dennis: Magnum condoms and a wad of hundreds. Idiot.

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 * Dennis: My personal go-to is to create a fictional angry neighbor who's threatening her and tell her you'll take care of him. Hit up a payphone so she can't trace the call back to you. Give her a call and say something along the lines of "I'm watching you, you bitch, you're gonna die tonight!"
 * Dee: Oh my god! you're a complete sociopath!
 * Dennis: Don't interrupt.

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 * (Dennis is walking through the fair while pushing an old lady in a wheelchair.)
 * Gladys: What's happening?
 * Dennis: Well, Gladys, we are at a fair, and you're going to pretend to be my grandmother.
 * Gladys: My grandmother had an affair with Susan B. Anthony.

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 * Frank: See, I would have gone in and bought a box of magnum condoms, thus demonstrating I have a monster dong.
 * Dennis: Right, that comes off a little bit desperate, Frank.

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 * Dennis: You mean to tell me you got you face painted like a god damn frog person with no ulterior motive?
 * Ben: I'm a lizard!

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 * Frank: The name's Mantis, Mantis Toboggan, M.D

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 * Dennis: D: Demonstrate Value
 * Dennis: E: Engage Physically
 * Dennis: N: Nurture Dependence
 * Dennis: N: Neglect Emotionally
 * Dennis: I: Inspire Hope
 * Dennis: S: Separate Entirely

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 * Frank: Oh whoops, ooh! I dropped my monster condom that I use for my magnum dong!

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 * Dee: You stabbed me! You stabbed me with a key! Why would you do that, you idiot?! I was flirting with you!
 * Carny (pointing to Charlie):That guy paid me to.
 * Charlie (pointing to Dee): You weren't supposed to stab her! (Pointing to the Waitress) You were supposed to stab her!
 * The Waitress (shocked): What? You were going to have me stabbed?!
 * Charlie (annoyed): I was going to protect you from the stabbing!
 * Dennis: Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong! WRONG! You're supposed to let her get stabbed, hope that it hits a main artery, and as she's dying, you nurse her back to health--thereby making her totally dependent on you!! See, this is why nobody should be going off my system!

Mac and Charlie Write a Movie [5.11]

 * Charlie: What if he can smell crime??
 * Mac: ...what if he smells crime?
 * Charlie: Dude dude dude dude dude dude dude! What if he can smell crime before it even happens?
 * Mac: Holy shit dude, that's amazing! Smells crime before it even happens! Yes, dude!
 * Charlie: WHAT IF HIS ENTIRE HEAD IS JUST ONE BIG NOSE! Write that down, I like that.
 * Mac: (Disappointed and looking down) Ah, shit....

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 * Dennis: And then he smells crime again, he's out busting heads. Then he's back to the lab for some more full penetration. Smells crime. Back to the lab, full penetration. Crime. Penetration. Crime. Full penetration. Crime. Penetration. And this goes on and on and back and forth for 90 or so minutes until the movie just sort of ends.
 * (pause for 7 seconds whilst Dennis seeks comments from the gang)
 * Frank: That is brilliant, that is the most brilliant movie I've ever heard in my life!
 * Charlie: I think the audience is gonna be very uncomfortable seeing Dolph Lundgren's naked penis going in to this young girl that you're talking about.
 * Dennis: Yeah, just to be clear though, I don't care either way.

The Gang Reignites the Rivalry [5.12]

 * Frank: Snortski...Oooohhhhhh!

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 * Frank: I'm doing this jerk-off's taxes. Next year, the IRS will audit the piss out of him!

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 * Frank: Look how loose his jeans are!!

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 * Charlie: I never thought I'd ever say this in my life, but it's weird sleeping without a cat in my bed.

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 * Dennis: We totally poisoned your asses!

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 * Frank: How do kids study on this goddamn Ritterall? I can't stop grinding my teeth.

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 * Charlie: I'll pull a "Good Will Hunting." (To the frat boys) What's your major, dude?
 * Frat Boy: Economics.
 * Charlie: (In Boston accent) Oh, I bet you read a lotta Gordon Wood, huh? You read your Gordon Wood and you regurgitate it from a textbook and you think you're wicked awesome doin' that, And how 'bout dem apples? And all that Gordon Wood business.
 * Frat Boy: I have no idea what you're talking about.
 * Other Frat Boy: You are an idiot.
 * Mac: You are an idiot.
 * Charlie: Does no one know who Gordon Wood is?

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 * Dennis: Yeah, we both got punked, Frank. We both got punked. These kids these days, I'll tell you what, they're nothing like we used to be back when we were in fraternities. They have no respect for anybody. Okay? They're like-they're like stupid little goddamn savages. I mean, I came in there, right, and I was polite and I was nice to them. I was cordial. And they completely goddamn disrespected me, little IDIOTS! IDIOTS! I was completely respectful. They're supposed to be my brothers, right? They're my brothers? Nooo, no. That's not fun. What they were doing wasn't fun. They kept zapping us, and zapping us! IDIOTS! SAVAGES! IDIOTS! IDIOTS!

A Very Sunny Christmas [5.13]

 * Mac: Based off the story you just told me Charlie.......I believe those Santas were running a train on your mom.....based off that story you just told me.

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 * Dennis: You know guys, I think this means that we've been relying on our parents too much, and we need to stick together and make our own Christmas good!
 * Mac: Dude you're right! Listen I got something to do, but we're gonna do it together! (Gang walks out of hospital room)
 * Frank: Well, what about me?
 * Mac: Oh, well, uh, you can go fuck yourself in your fat fucking ass.

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 * Charlie: [after realizing his mother was not having "friends" over when he was a kid at Christmas time, but was actively whoring herself out for money, he proceeds to sit on the lap of the Santa in the mall they are in, staring with a visible murderous intent] ...Did you fuck my mom, Santa?
 * Santa: [utterly confused] Uhh... What?
 * Charlie: Did you fuck... my mom?
 * [the Santa is now completely out of character, wondering exactly what is happening with Charlie]
 * Charlie: Did you fuck my mom, Santa Claus?
 * Mac: Charlie, what the hell?
 * Charlie: [in a state of both complete despair and utter rage] DID YOU FUCK MY FUCKING MOM, SANTA CLAUS?! DID YOU FUCK HER?! DID YOU FUCK MY FUCKING MOM?!?!? [He proceeds to bite him viciously in the neck like he is a pitbull]
 * Santa: AAAAAHGH, HE'S BITING MY NECK!!!
 * [the scene devolves into complete anarchy, as the families around them immediately run away in mass panic, the Santa, bleeding out, is pulled away for medical attention, and Mac pulls Charlie away before he does anything else insane, as Charlie, the Santa's blood all around his mouth, is still in an unstoppable rage, repeatedly screaming "DID YOU FUCK MY MOM?!"]