It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (season 6)


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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is an American television sitcom on FX. It moved to FXX beginning with the ninth season. The series follows the exploits of "The Gang", a group of self-centered friends who run the Irish bar Paddy's Pub in South Philadelphia.

Mac Fights Gay Marriage [6.01]

 * Mac: Where's our bible?
 * Dee: Seriously?
 * Mac: Where is our God damn bible?!
 * Frank: This is a bar!


 * Mac: Guys! Guys! Guys! I'VE GOT NEWS! I've got HUGE news! So I went down to the gym this morning, right. I was all amped up, cuz' Charlie and I found-found a bunch of nuts. I was SO full Protein. Okay. I went to get my pump on, but I couldn't get my pump on. Now, I know what you are thinking, clearly I did get my pump on but that's just because I did a bunch of push-ups outside also why I am out of breath.


 * Mac: Oh Oh Oh! Everybody up on their high horse of marriage all of a sudden. Marriage is about procreation okay. [Holds up two plugs] This is gay marriage! [Knocks them together] That's two dudes bangin' each other! What do ya get from that? Nothin! Nothin!
 * Dee: Uh, that's a persuasive argument. You should take your powerful "extension-cord" argument STRAIGHT to the Supreme Court.
 * Charlie: Mmmhmm, they'll love it there.


 * Frank: Hey, who gives a shit if gay people what to be miserable like everybody else and get married? Let 'em do it! It's no skin off my ass.


 * Mac: Why are you jamming me up, bro?
 * Gym Manager: I'm not trying to jam you up, I just don't believe you.
 * Mac: What is not to believe? I'm absolutely Dennis Reynolds.
 * Gym Manager: This picture looks nothing like you.
 * Mac: Well, thank you, cause I've actually packed on about fifteen to twenty pounds of solid bulk muscle since that picture was taken. It's actually a testament to your gym.




 * Nick: So what you're sayin' is you gonna whup my black ass with a rod, and as long as I get up in a few days, we all good?




 * Charlie: Oh my god. Did you smell her breath?
 * Frank: Like she was nibbling on little pieces of shit

Dennis Gets Divorced [6.02]

 * Uncle Jack: Now this guy seems to think you don't have a case...and I'm inclined to agree with him!


 * Uncle Jack: Hey Mac, do you mind snapping a photo of us for the website?  Now, and could you just put your hands over my hands, so they look like my hands?

The Gang Buys a Boat [6.03]

 * Mac: I got us some turpentine, some wax and some high-gloss boat paint. This shit is really expensive.
 * Dennis: Aw, dude, you're telling me. I picked us up some new slacks and docksiders, so we could have the right look, y'know, fit in and everything? We're running pretty low on remaining dick-towel money, though.
 * Mac: Plus, we gotta fill that thing up with gas...
 * Dennis: I know, man. We gotta pop by the department store, pick up the mattress- and I wanna get a nice one, too.
 * Mac: Wait, the- the what? The mattress? What do we need a mattress for?
 * Dennis: What do you mean, "what do we need a mattress for?" Why in the hell do you think we just spent that money on a boat? The whole purpose of buying the boat in the first place was to get the ladies nice and tipsy topside, so we can take them to a nice, comfortable place below deck, and you know, they can't refuse... because of the implication.
 * Mac: Oh. Uh, okay... you had me goin' there for the first part, the second half kinda threw me.
 * Dennis: Well, dude, think about it. She's out in the middle of nowhere, with some dude she barely knows. She looks around and what does she see? Nothing but open ocean. "Aaah, there's nowhere for me to run! What am I gonna do, say no?"
 * Mac: Okay, heh. That seems really dark, though.
 * Dennis: Nah, no, it's not dark. You're misunderstanding me, bro.
 * Mac: I think I am, heh heh.
 * Dennis: Yeah, you are. Because if the girl said "no", then the answer obviously is no.
 * Mac: "No", right.
 * Dennis: But the thing is, she's not gonna say "no". She would never say "no", because of the implication.
 * Mac: ...Now, you've said that word "implication" a couple of times, w-what implication?
 * Dennis: The implication that things might go wrong for her if she refuses to sleep with me. Now, not that things are gonna go wrong for her, but she's thinking that they will.
 * Mac: ...But it sounds like she doesn't want to have sex with you.
 * Dennis: Why aren't you understanding this? She doesn't know whether she wants to have sex with me, it's- that's not the issue-
 * Mac: Are you gonna hurt women?
 * Dennis: I'm not gonna hurt these women! Why would I ever hurt these women?! I feel like you're not getting this at all!
 * Mac: I'm not getting it.
 * Dennis: Goddamn! (to old woman staring at him) Well, don't you look at me like that. You certainly wouldn't be in any danger.
 * Mac: So, they are in danger-
 * Dennis: No one's in any danger! How can I make that any more clear to you, okay? It's an implication of danger!


 * Mac: Let's talk needs first. Now I have the need for speed. It's very important, it's inherent, there is nothing I can do about it. So speed is a must.
 * Dennis: Absolutely, but we are also looking to entertain guests on this boat.
 * Mac: Yeah, we're gonna throw some P-Diddy style parties up on the deck.
 * Charlie: Can we talk shrimp for a minute. I'd like the boat to be able to haul in a tremendous amount of shrimp. Sort of a Forrest Gump amount of shrimp.
 * Mac: You should be writing this down.
 * Dennis: Why are you not writing this down?
 * Boat Salesman: Let me just see if i have this right here. Correct me if I'm wrong. It seems like what you guys are looking for P. Diddy style of shrimping vessel.
 * Charlie: You're a really good listener and I didn't peg you for one when we came in here because of the pinky ring.


 * Charlie: (Concerned) What the hell happened down there; some kind of horse massacre?


 * Frank: Anyone want any more catfish?
 * Charlie: Yo dude. Definitely give me another one of those. They're delicious. And you can taste that sort of endangered tang...


 * Mac: Hey bro, how'd you lose your hand?
 * Sailor: Diabetes.
 * Mac: That's not much of an adventure is it? Kind of tragic.

Mac's Big Break [6.04]

 * Charlie: You keep on using this word "jabroni" and... it's awesome.




 * Preston & Steve: Hey, who's on the line?
 * Mac: Is that us?
 * Charlie: That sounded like us!
 * Mac: Uh, Mac from South Philly!
 * Preston & Steve: Alright, Mac from South Philly, you're on with Preston and Steve.
 * Dee: Holy shit, he got on.
 * Mac: Holy shit, I got on!
 * Preston & Steve: Please don't curse. Alright, here is the question: what Philadelphia Flyer holds the franchise record for goals in a season? You have 30 seconds, go!
 * Mac: (to Charlie) Okay, this is a hockey question, go!
 * Charlie: Okay, hockey! Uhhhhhh, where's the H key? There's no H key- there's no H key!
 * Mac: What are you talking about?
 * Charlie: Is there another way to spell hockey?
 * Mac: Dude-
 * Charlie: There's no H key on this key-
 * Mac: It's right there! Why did I put you in charge of this job? Aw, forget this, dude! I got this, I got this - think, Mac, think. Think- I gotta think like that guy that sits on the rock.
 * Charlie: (puts his fist under his chin) This dude, the one like that?
 * Mac: Yeah, with the big muscles and he puts his hand on his-
 * Charlie: He's big and green and he gets angry- oh, the Hulk! The Incredible Hulk.
 * Mac: The Hulk doesn't think at all. Shit, I know this...
 * Preston & Steve: Dude, you gotta stop cursing!
 * Mac: You guys can't censor me, I'm a bit of a badass.
 * Preston & Steve: (chuckles) Can't censor him- alright, let's go! Answer the question, come on!
 * Mac: Agh! I don't know, I don't know it. Dammit! Reggie Leach.
 * Radio host: Reggie Leach is the... correct answer!
 * [beat]
 * Charlie: AAAAAA-




 * Mac: We are not men who get a lot of opportunities, and the ones we've had we've squandered.
 * Charlie: We've squandered them all.




 * Dennis: So, uh, Dennis and Dee Reynolds here, we are talking about the homeless issue here in Philly, that's a big issue these days and we're here with our friend Cricket, he is a homeless man. Cricket, walk us through a day in your life.
 * Rickety Cricket: A day in the life-- well, the other morning, I wake up and I find a dog sniffin' at my wound. He's fully aroused - mind you - so I'm thinking "oh great, what does this jerk want?" Of course I know what he wants, he's looking at me right in the eyes, he does not have to say it - not that he could. [Starts sucking on a lemon] Urrggghhhh that is- that is tart! That is really tart. I mean does my scar look like a dog's vagina? You know, maybe, I don't know, I'm not going to sit here and try to get inside the mind of a dog! I mean that's God's work. Well, not that I believe in God, I don't. Not since that chinaman stole my kidney.




 * The Waitress: I am not leaving here until you apologize to me.
 * Dennis: Yeah, well, you're going to be here for a while.
 * Frank: I'll give you fifty bucks if you take your top off... and drink soup out of my shoe.

Mac and Charlie: White Trash [6.05]

 * Dennis: I have a proposition too. Why don't you walk in front of me so I don't get your blood all over my feet?


 * Dee: I bet you don't even have any black people here.
 * Pool Guy: Excuse me, ma'am, but there's an African American family right there.
 * Dee: Well good for you. You keep a couple token ones around. Do you parade them around like a couple dancing monkeys?

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 * Mac: Stride, stride, execute!

Mac's Mom Burns Her House Down [6.06]

 * Mrs. Mac: They ain't American, I don't want to know them.
 * Mrs. Kelly: I know. I wish they'd all go back to the desert.
 * Mac: It does seem like they're bonding.
 * Charlie: It's not really a Golden Girls type conversation, it's a racist conversation.

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 * Mac: Mom was a manager of Jiffy Lube for many years.
 * Charle: I never heard about this.
 * Mac: Well, she doesn't like to brag. She started her way at the bottom and worked her way to the tippidy top.
 * Charlie: There's only three people at Jiffy Lube so it's not exactly a high climb.

Who Got Dee Pregnant? [6.07]

 * Frank: We're trying to piece a night together and we need your help.
 * Artemis: I don't remember that night.
 * Frank: I didn't tell you which night yet.
 * Artemis: I don't remember most evenings.

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 * Dee: Just so I'm clear, you don't actually think things are going to come alive because you're spending the night in museum, right?

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 * Dennis: It's fatness, plain and simple. It's a person becoming fat before your very eyes.
 * Charlie: And I don't even know how to make the bird jokes anymore. They no longer apply.
 * Dee: I'm not fat, I'm pregnant!
 * Mac: I feel like you say that all the time now.
 * Frank: You better do yourself a favor and flush it out.
 * Charlie: Wait a second, you definitely said that before.
 * Mac: Since we're all saying things we say all the time. I'll just reiterate. Dee, we don't care about you, or your body, or that baby bird.

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 * Mac: I browned out that evening.
 * Frank: Browned out? What's browned out?
 * Mac: It's when you drink so much that everything goes brown. It's not as severe as a black out because I remember bits and pieces. I call it browning out.

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 * Dennis: You are dressed like the Phantom of the Opera. He's not a vampire.
 * Charlie: He eats theater people.
 * Dennis: No, he doesn't.
 * Mac: I think he might.
 * Frank: He does.
 * Dennis: Do you even know who the Phantom of the Opera is?
 * Mac: He might not.
 * Frank: He doesn't.
 * Charlie: I don't.

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 * Frank: Yes, I was having an argument with Artemis, because a couple weeks before, we had some makeup sex in a Dumpster out in the back of Wendy's.

[Cuts to a dumpster shaking] [Frank grunting] Yeah! Yeah!
 * Frank: She incorporated a bun in the lovemaking. She took the-the... the dough and rolled it up into a ball, and then she... And we were going berserk. She loves that kind of stuff, and I-I... I admit I do, too.

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 * Mac: That's when Dee came in. Oh, hey, Dee.

[A ostrich appears in the doorway]
 * Ostrich Dee: [prolonged squawking]
 * Mac: Look, I do not give a shit about your problems, Dee, okay? I'm still pumped up from that ass-whupping I just handed out. Did you see that?
 * Ostrich Dee: [squawking continues]
 * Mac: I don't give a shit, Dee, okay? I don't know how you're going to get all that milk off of you.
 * Ostrich Dee: [squawks]
 * Mac: What is that supposed to mean?
 * Ostrich Dee: [squawking]
 * Mac: Okay, you know what? Shoo. Shoo. Get out of here.

The Gang Gets a New Member [6.08]

 * Principal: I'm a little confused, are you telling me this photo of Bruce Jenner is your resume?
 * Charlie: Well, when I showed up this morning I didn't have a formal resume on me so I was sort of hoping the photograph of Mr. Jenner could represent the standard of excellence I'm hoping to bring to this position.

Dee Reynolds: Shaping America's Youth [6.09]

 * Mac: A lot of great actors have done blackface.
 * Dennis: There's countless examples of very classy actors doing black face. We got the great C. Thomas Howell in Soul Man. We got the Wayans Brothers in White Chicks. That was a very tasteful example of reverse blackface.

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 * Charlie: Principal McIntyre, I recently started mentoring one of the kids here.
 * Principal McIntyre: Really? That's odd, because you're a janitor.

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 * Frank: You gotta do the lips funny!

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 * Frank: James Earl Jones is doing a great blackface.
 * Dennis: Because James Earl Jones has a black face.

Charlie Kelly: King of the Rats [6.10]

 * Dee: You've been really stressed so I thought I'd take you to a spa day. Just the two of us.
 * Charlie: A what day?
 * Dee: Spa day.
 * Charlie: What is this word, spa? I feel like you're starting to a say a word and you're not finishing it. Spaghetti? Are you taking me to a spaghetti day?

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 * Charlie: oh my god i just found a rats nest slaughtered about 200 of them. It's like whole generations of those things have died at my hands. Mothers, fathers, grandfathers, little baby rats.
 * Dee: Well, you know, keep up the good work.
 * Charlie: Sometimes, I wonder though, if our lives are really more valuable than theirs. You know what I mean?
 * Dennis: Yeah they are. Our lives definitely are without a doubt.

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 * Charlie: What does 3D even stand for?
 * Dee: 3rd Dimension. Just... shh. Please stop talking.
 * Charlie: 3rd Dimen... (chuckles) What dimension are we in?
 * Dee: Shh, Charlie. I don't know. Shh.
 * Charlie: Isn't stuff... like... suppossed to pop out at us?
 * Dee: I don't know. I'm not sure. Let's watch and find out.

[bird screeching]
 * Charlie: Wow. Did you see that?
 * Dee: Yeah, yeah. I saw that.
 * Charlie: That came like right at you. Is this safe?

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 * Charlie (eating spaghetti out of a zip-loc bag): What's your spaghetti policy?

The Gang Gets Stranded in the Woods [6.11]

 * Charlie: Are you wearing makeup?
 * Dennis: I'm always wearing a little bit of foundation but that's not the point.

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 * Frank: Animals should be food, rugs and trophies. Why do you think I'm wearing a leather suit?
 * Dee: That's leather? I thought it was plastic.
 * Frank: Who the hell wears a plastic suit?
 * Dee: I just don't question the things you do anymore.

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 * Dennis: That's all our money!
 * Charlie: No, it's all my money. You lost your money when you said no to the trucker.

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 * Charlie: If animals have taught me anything, it's that you can easily die and very quickly under a bus and on the side of the road.

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 * Charlie: This is for the rats!

Dee Gives Birth [6.12]

 * Dee: This sucks. This sucks a bag of dicks.

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 * Dennis: Without the sunglasses, Weekend at Bernie's would have been a very dark, strange tale.

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 * Mac: Parenting is pretending you know what you're talking about, then jamming it down their throat!

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 * Dennis: If you do not get my sister her stories and a new room as soon as possible, then I will come down on this hospital like the hammer of Thor! THE THUNDER OF MY VENGEANCE WILL ECHO THROUGH THESE CORRIDORS LIKE THE GUST OF A THOUSAND WINDS!"