Jack Handey

Jack Handey (born 25 February 1949) is an American humorist. He is most famous for his Deep Thoughts, a large corpus of surrealistic one-liner jokes. Deep Thoughts were first seen in small comedy magazine Army Man Comics edited by George Meyer and continued in National Lampoon in 1984 though gained popularity when they were read on Saturday Night Live beginning in 1991.

Quotes

 * If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
 * Deep Thoughts: Inspiration for the Uninspired (1992), Berkley Books, ISBN 0-425-13365-6


 * I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it.
 * Deep Thoughts: Inspiration for the Uninspired (1992), Berkley Books, ISBN 0-425-13365-6


 * If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
 * Deep Thoughts: Inspiration for the Uninspired (1992), Berkley Books, ISBN 0-425-13365-6


 * It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.
 * Deep Thoughts: Inspiration for the Uninspired (1992), Berkley Books, ISBN 0-425-13365-6


 * IF YOU ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because man, they're gone.
 * Deeper Thoughts : All New, All Crispy (1993), Hachette Books, ISBN 1-56282-840-1


 * TO ME, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
 * Deeper Thoughts : All New, All Crispy (1993), Hachette Books, ISBN 1-56282-840-1


 * IF YOU GO through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.
 * Deeper Thoughts : All New, All Crispy (1993), Hachette Books, ISBN 1-56282-840-1


 * MAYBE in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Basically, it's made up of two separate words &mdash; "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
 * Deeper Thoughts: All New, All Crispy (1993), Hachette Books, ISBN 1-56282-840-1


 * I guess we were kinda poor when we were kids, but we didn't know it. That's because my dad always refused to let us look at the family's financial records.
 * Fuzzy Memories (1996), Andrews McMeel Publishing, ISBN 0-8362-1040-9