Jake and Amir

Jake and Amir (2007–2015) are a comedy duo that work for CollegeHumor. In mid-2007, the pair began uploading short improvisational skits online, eventually starting their own blog, Jake And Amir Dot Com. The characters of Jake and Amir are caricatures of their real-life personas, Jake Hurwitz and Amir Blumenfeld.

Tattoo

 * Amir: Mine is a bear. Okay?
 * Jake: It's a bear? Where is it?
 * Amir: I dunno. In the woods or something?

Practical Joke

 * Amir: Why are you untying your shoes? That means the joke's over. That means our relationship is over.

Screen Name

 * Jake: Honestly, if I [had] thought of a screen name that chill, I wouldn't have told anybody until I had already made it.
 * Amir: Did you steal my chill screen name?
 * Jake: I'm just trying to pimp out this chill pro' right now.

IQ Test

 * Jake: I just got a text message. It's from you.
 * Amir: (nods)
 * Jake: "180".
 * Amir: I dunno. Was it me?
 * Jake: Yeah, it was. It says who texts you.
 * Amir: Yeah, I mean, sometimes it says "Restricted".
 * Jake: Yeah, sometimes if you press the right buttons, it says "Restricted".

Editing

 * Amir: The joke is never "because 'blank' is gay". That's never the joke. It's not "because 'kite' is gay".
 * Jake: It helps. It helps the joke.
 * Amir: It's not even part of the joke.

Ace

 * Jake: I just made up the word "ace" because you always steal my words, and I wanted to see if you would do it. And you did.
 * Amir: What?
 * Jake: "Ace" isn't real. I just wanted to see if you would steal it.
 * Amir: Wow, that's really un-ace of you. I mean, I thought we were gullies, man!
 * Jake: Yeah, I made that one up, too.

iPhone

 * Amir: Hey, what's your phone number? I'll put it in, and I'll divide it by two.
 * Jake: 545-8992.
 * Amir: Slow down.
 * Jake: What is it? What does that say?
 * Amir: It says "Error"... but I mean, I don't know which one is "divide" all the time.


 * Jake: Why on earth would you get two?
 * Amir: Because they wouldn't let me get three! Okay? I'm sorry. It's a store policy.
 * Jake: I'm not saying two isn't enough. I'm saying two is too many.
 * Amir: (nods)
 * Jake: I mean, one is too many if you don't know how to use it.

Website Ideas

 * Amir: "Facebook for College Students". So it's like a Facebook site but just for college kids.
 * Jake: That one's not gonna work just because, uh, Facebook already has all the college students on it.
 * Amir: Okay, if you don't like something, just say "next" 'cause it's a long list and I don't want to waste your time.


 * Amir: This one's actually kind of cool. You step on your laptop, and it weighs you. It tells you how much you weigh, like a scale.
 * Jake: Okay, so "next".
 * Amir: "Scale.com".

Wingman

 * Amir: Uh...oh! I totally forgot to tell you, he's so funny.
 * Girl: Is he? I love funny guys.
 * Amir: He's so nice and funny. Uh, today...no, it's stupid...
 * Girl: No! Tell me, tell me. I wanna know.  Yea.
 * Amir: Today, we were looking at your Facebook profile on his computer, and he was humping the monitor and high-fiving people and cracking up. So funny.
 * Girl: [sarcastic] Really? That sounds so funny.
 * Amir: You think so?
 * Girl: Yea.
 * Amir: Oh, let me think of other jokes he did. Oh! He printed out your face super-big, and he cut a hole over the mouth and he and then he started humping it --
 * Jake: [to Pat] She actually thinks I'm cute. She likes me.
 * Amir: -- and then he cut a hole over the eye and he was humping that too! Going around the office like a cowboy still high-fiving people.
 * Girl: That's awesome.
 * Amir: Can you see, by the way?
 * Girl: Yea. Why?
 * Amir: He said he'd fuck you blind. It's so weird that you can still see.  We should really go talk to him.
 * Girl: Yea, we should! It'll be fun. Let's go! You want to?
 * Amir:  You want me to lead you there?
 * Girl: Yea, let's go!
 * Amir: Cuz you're blind.
 * Girl: It'll be so much fun!
 * Amir: [thumbs up to Jake] Uh, you know my friend, Jake, right?
 * Girl: Yea, Jake. I can fuckin' see you, I'm not blind.  [slaps Jake and leaves]
 * Amir: Wow, that was awesome. My boy's gettin' Frenched tonight!

Hallie Part IV and Ace and Jocelyn Episode 6

 * Jake: Ace and Jocelyn, Ace and Jocelyn. From Space or whatever. Astronaut accountants.  Nah nah nah.

March Madness Pt 2

 * Amir: Um, I just got back from the doctor, and he said that I was very sick, actually.
 * Jake: Really?
 * Amir: Yea, he thinks I may have March MADNESS! FEVER! AND PNEUMONIA!


 * Jake: What did you get on your SATs?
 * Amir: Sixty.


 * Amir: Is it too late to change my Final Four?
 * Jake: Uh, no.
 * Amir: Okay, good. I wanna make it a Final Six.
 * Jake: Oh, it's too late to change the format of the tournament, though.
 * Amir: Eh, Sheesh. When was that due?


 * Amir: Portland State, no it's not. Cleveland State, no it's not.  Utah State, no it's not.
 * Jake: That one's a state.
 * Amir: Uh, Florida State.
 * Jake: Also a state.
 * Amir: Sheesh. Okay, Oklahoma?
 * Jake: Yep. Ooh, two for five.  That sucks.  You were- You started out strong, though.
 * Amir: I know. I was lucky.  I didn't know, I was just guessing.
 * Jake: I know.


 * Amir: I wanna watch my blanks, though! Blanks, for the wolf! For the epic wolf.

Opinions

 * Amir: [bad Australian accent] Ay, you're watching Jake and Amir, and we filmed this in Spain!
 * Jake: Wow.


 * Amir: Jake, I am about to say something that's gonna blow your mind. Gimme, like, ten minutes.
 * Ten Minutes Later...
 * Amir: Ekaj.
 * Jake: My name backwards. Clever.


 * Jake: I hate ice cream.
 * Amir: It tastes like a mouth- It's like a mouth full of buttholes in my mouth. It tastes like acid.
 * Jake: I think it's delicious.
 * Amir: I think it tastes like delicious acid.
 * Jake: It tastes like ass.
 * Amir: Yea, it tastes like delicious ass is what I meant.
 * Jake: But in a bad way.
 * Amir: Yea, in a bad way.


 * Amir: You are like a flippflopper and then I can't decide what I like because you are always all over the place.


 * Amir: When I steal yours, it makes us better friends because we have the same opinions. I mean, what don't you get?!
 * Jake: I don't get why you're being so honest about it.
 * Amir: Oh my god, okay, let me formulate my own opinions, right? And then, maybe, if they match, we can possibly be best fr- I MEAN, JUST LISTEN TO MYSELF, IT SOUNDS CRAZY!


 * Jake: I hate nuggets.
 * Amir: Don't.

VideoGames

 * Amir: Oh, by the way, did you see what Jake was wearing today?
 * Sam: Uh...wasn't he wearing a cardigan?
 * Amir: Uh, I don't know what that is, but he was wearing a sweater with buttons that went down.
 * Sam: I don't know what a cardigan is either.
 * Amir: So why'd you say it?
 * Sam: I was making an educated guess.
 * Amir: Well, stop being an educated guest, and start...being...a... So.


 * Amir: My parents can drop us off if your parents can pick us up.
 * Sam: My parents are not how you say, "alive."
 * Amir(Laughing): Oh yeah! I forgot!
 * Sam(High-Pitched Voice): They died in a plane crash!
 * Amir(High-Pitched Voice): They died in a plane crash!
 * Sam(HPV): They died in a plane crash!
 * Amir(Normal): They died in a plane crash.
 * Sam(Normal): When I was four.
 * Amir: You know what sucks?
 * Sam(HPV): Think about my parents all the time?


 * Sam: Remember that Jake-themed birthday party I threw for you on my birthday?

Master Cleanse

 * Amir: Hi, you're watching Jake and Quincy.
 * Jake: That's half right.
 * Amir: I'm Jake.
 * Jake: So, totally wrong.

Brother

 * Jake: Put your dick away, man!
 * Amir: Okay, it was away. It was in a box.