Jay London

Jay London (born September 12, 1966, in The Bronx) is an American stand-up comic whose one-liner jokes made him a favorite on NBC's second and third seasons of Last Comic Standing. He had a thing for saying "Thank you" after some of his one-liners, depending on crowd reaction. He also acted very self-conscious and would randomly badmouth himself, especially if the crowd was left dumbstruck by a joke and didn't laugh much. It was all part of the act.

One-liners

 * (In a tone suggesting a reference to his upbringing) I was brought up on charges.


 * So how do you like my overall look? (Jay's usual stage attire was bib overalls)


 * You might recognize me, I'm the fourth guy from the left on evolutionary chart.


 * I get all my hair products at PetCo. (Jay's hair is long, curly, and quite messy)


 * You know what burns me? Matches.


 * I was born nine months premature.


 * I work at Bed Bath and Beyond. I work in the Beyond section. When someone asks me where the Bath section is, I say "It's beyond me."


 * It all started when my dog received free rollover minutes.


 * People read me but they don't subscribe.


 * After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, because we all have nicknames. So I named my private part Pride. It's not much, but at least I have my Pride.


 * I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.


 * I went to a urologist. He told me I could go at any time.


 * My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.


 * I wanted to join the Army. The sign said "Be all that you can be." They told me it wasn't enough.


 * I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said "Compared to who?"


 * A guy gave me a job at an information booth, no questions asked.


 * I went on a date with a weather girl, we talked up a storm.


 * A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.


 * I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.


 * I go around slashing tire prices.


 * I'm addicted to prescription glasses.


 * I recorded my hair this morning. Tonight I'm watching the highlights.


 * My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.


 * I went to a record store and asked for 50 Cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling.


 * I went to the store and bought lady fingers. When I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.


 * I saw a sign that said "Left Lane Closed." So I went someplace else.


 * I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds. 14 people showed up, it was overcast.


 * I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.


 * My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.


 * I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.


 * I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry, it's not the end of the world.


 * My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.


 * I saw a stationery store move.


 * My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless.


 * I slept with this girl, and in the morning I asked her if she wanted breakfast in bed. She said one pig in the blanket was enough.


 * I model irregular clothing.


 * I had a very lonely New Year's this year. I had to watch my own balls drop.


 * I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.


 * I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.


 * People ask me what I think about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.


 * I dated a partially nude model, and she did a half-assed job.


 * At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?


 * Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.

Self-degradation

 * Does anybody know what I'm doing up here?


 * Take my life, please.


 * Thank you.


 * Am I bothering you, miss?


 * It'll be over soon, miss.


 * Let me move over here. (Jay would then move barely a few inches to the left or right. He generally repeats this a few times per show)
 * Sir, would you please come up here and kick the shit out of me?

Set-enders

 * Did you know it was a year ago today?


 * Well, I'd like to leave you with a joke.


 * Flowers for $25.00, reluctant. Wining and dining for $150.00, catastrophic. Trying to get on first base, unattainable. For everything else there's Masturbate.