Jeff Dunham

Jeffrey "Jeff" Dunham (born April 18, 1962) is a ventriloquist, stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and comedian. He has performed on numerous comedy shows, including Comedy Central Presents in 2003. He has released four DVDs, pending a fifth: Arguing With Myself, released in April 2006, Spark of Insanity, in September 2007, Jeff Dunham's Very Special Christmas Special, in November 2008, "Controlled Chaos", in 2011, and "Minding the Monsters", in 2012. Some of his usual puppets include a woozle named Peanut, a bitter old man named Walter, a skeleton with eyeballs named Achmed the Dead Terrorist, and José Jalapeño, a talking jalapeño pepper on a stick. In performances, Jeff plays the straight-man, opposite his various puppets' personalities. He has new characters every 2 to 3 years. The Characters past and go but the main 4 will never change.

Catchphrases

 * Walter: Shut the hell up! [condescending mock laughter] Also, I don't give a damn.
 * Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Silence! I kill you!, Stop touching me!!!, I...kill...you...I kill you til' you're DEAD...and that's worse...
 * Peanut the Purple Woozle: [quickly] That's good-ity, that's good, that's gooooooooood! Also, Jef-fa-faaaa... Dun-haaaaaam... dot com!
 * Melvin the Superhero Guy: Da-da-da-dahhhh!
 * José Jalapeño on a Stick: On a steek! [often interjected within segues]
 * Bubba J: I've been watchin' NASCAR and drinkin' beer!
 * Sweet Daddy Dee: Ha haaa! [moves his top lip to make a 'tssht' sound]

Comedy Central Presents (2003)

 * Jeff Dunham: Do you fight crime?
 * Melvin: Of course i do!
 * Jeff Dunham: What kind of crime?
 * Melvin: The...bad kind.


 * Jeff: Can you stop a speeding bullet?
 * Melvin: [pauses] Once. [audience laughs] Shut up! It hurts like hell!
 * Jeff: Can you leap tall buildings in a single bound?
 * Melvin: Why the hell would I do that? There's really not a lot of call for that!
 * Jeff: Superman does that.
 * Melvin: [scoffs] Showoff! I'd rather just avoid the fuss and walk around the F-ing thing. [audience laughs] I can't curse. But I think the president should.
 * Jeff: The president?
 * Melvin: Yeah, think about it. We've had the A-bomb, we've had the H-bomb, now it's time for him to drop the F-bomb!


 * Jeff: So you have children?
 * Melvin: Two boys!
 * Jeff: What do they do?
 * Melvin: They piss me off!
 * Jeff: Do you have an arch-nemesis?
 * Melvin: What?
 * Jeff: Do you have an arch-nemesis?
 * Melvin: No, I wear corrective shoes!


 * Peanut: José, where'd ya go?
 * José: I went to Alaska.
 * Peanut: Did ya have fun?
 * José: No.
 * Peanut: Why not?
 * José: I froze my stick! ''[Peanut looks at the stick]
 * Peanut: That had to hurt! How'd he get on the stick?
 * Jeff: I don't know.
 * Peanut: Probably a horrible pogo accident, you know: "boing, boing, crrrrriiick!" [stares again at the stick]
 * José: OLÉ!

Arguing With Myself (2006)

 * Walter: Dehehe-eh!
 * Jeff: You know you don't have to do this.
 * Walter: Yeah I can get a real job.
 * Jeff: [chuckles] What would you do?
 * Walter: I wanna be a greeter at Wal-Mart. [audience starts to laugh as Walter stares them down] What the hell's so funny?!
 * Jeff: At Wal-Mart, what would be your opening line?
 * Walter: Oh. [clears throat] Welcome to Wal-Mart, get your shit and get out! ...Have a nice day!


 * Jeff: So, your wife's in town?
 * Walter: Yeah.
 * Jeff Dunham: Is she having a good time here?
 * Walter: She always has a good time.
 * Jeff Dunham: Good.
 * Walter: Pisses me off...
 * Jeff: She's a lovely lady.
 * Walter: She gettin' old!
 * Jeff: Well, women age like... like fine wine.
 * Walter: She's agin' like milk!


 * Jeff: So, how long have you and your wife been together?
 * Walter: Uh, what is it now? Uh, 46 years.
 * Jeff Dunham: Ah. What was the happiest moment of your life?
 * Walter: 47 years ago! How long've you been married?
 * Jeff Dunham: 15 years.
 * Walter: You'll see.
 * Jeff Dunham: I'll see what?
 * Walter: Remember when you said, "'Til death do us part?"
 * Jeff Dunham: Yeah.
 * Walter: Later, you'll realize you're actually setting a goal!
 * Jeff: Walter, what exactly is marriage like to you?
 * Walter: It's like drinkin' a Slurpie.
 * Jeff Dunham: A Slurpie.
 * Walter: First couple of sips, you're like, "Boy, it's really good! I'm glad I did this!" Then you keep drinkin' and it goes right to your head and you go, " Ow, ow, OOOWWWWWW!!! The hell was I thinking?! Someone kill me please!"
 * Jeff Dunham: Y'know it eventually stops hurting.
 * Walter: Yeah and then you're stupid enough to take another frickin' sip!


 * Jeff Dunham: Anything else, Walter?
 * Walter: I don't know. Last night, I couldn't find a place to park anywhere near this stinkin' joint. Then some jerk pulled up in a brand-new Mercedes, goes right in the handicap spot. He got out of the car and there was nothing wrong with him! Don't you hate that?
 * Audience: Yeah!
 * Walter: So I ran his ass over. I made an honest man out of him. Then his mother got out on the other side and started swinging her crutches at me! Took her out with the door.
 * Jeff Dunham: Didn't you feel bad?
 * Walter: Hell, they can carpool.


 * Sweet Daddy Dee: I'm what you call a Player In the Management Profession!
 * Jeff: Right.
 * Sweet Daddy Dee: P.I.M.P.!
 * Jeff: You're a pimp?
 * Sweet Daddy Dee: That makes you the ho!
 * Jeff: I'm not a whore!
 * Sweet Daddy Dee: What do you do for a living?
 * Jeff: Make people laugh.
 * Sweet Daddy Dee: Make em feel good.
 * Jeff: Yeah.
 * Sweet Daddy Dee: You the ho!
 * Jeff: That's not right.
 * Sweet Daddy Dee: Why do you do what you do?
 * Jeff: I enjoy it and it's the best way to make money.
 * Sweet Daddy Dee: You the ho.
 * Jeff: Wait, what if I said that I do it, only because I enjoy it.
 * Sweet Daddy Dee: You the dumb ho.
 * Jeff Dunham: So, what ideas do you have for my career?
 * Sweet Daddy Dee: First thing I gotta do is school you in street!
 * Jeff Dunham: Street?
 * Sweet Daddy Dee:  Word.
 * Jeff Dunham: [confused] What?
 * Sweet Daddy Dee: Word.
 * Jeff Dunham: What word?
 * Sweet Daddy Dee: [confused] What?
 * Jeff Dunham: You said "word."
 * Sweet Daddy Dee: Word.
 * Jeff Dunham: What word?
 * Sweet Daddy Dee: Aw, snap! What the hell?! Dawg, "word" is like, "I heard dat."
 * Jeff Dunham: Heard what?
 * Sweet Daddy Dee: Oh, shit. Dawg, you ain't white, you are neon white! You're so white, you make Barry Manilow look like a brother!
 * Jeff: I like Barry Manilow.
 * Sweet Daddy: [gasps] Are you gay?... I heard about the lotion.


 * Sweet Daddy Dee: [talking about NASCAR] NASCAR, that's another dumbass cracka sport.
 * Jeff: NASCAR's very popular.
 * Sweet Daddy: I know that, I just don't get it. A bunch of grown white men, goin' 500 miles in a circle! What the hell!? What kinda three and a half hours is this? [imitating viewers] "Look, they're making a left turn! Oh they're makin' another left turn! Oh they're makin' another left turn! I wonder what's gonna happen next!" [imitating commentators] "Let's go to commercials. Come back in 10 minutes - you ain't gonna miss a fuckin' thing!"




 * Peanut: I love comin' here to, to... this town right here.
 * Jeff: Which town?
 * Peanut: This one.
 * Jeff: Which is?
 * Peanut: The one we're in right now!
 * Jeff: Peanut, where are we?
 * Peanut: Dah... you don't know?
 * Jeff: I don't think you know.
 * Peanut: We're in so many damn places I FORGOT!
 * Jeff: Well think about it for a second!
 * Peanut: All right all right all right! ...Damn.
 * Jeff: Drive from the valley?
 * Peanut: Was bad as hell!
 * Jeff: Traffic?
 * Peanut: Sucked like hell!
 * Jeff: Drivers?
 * Peanut: Angry as hell!
 * Jeff: And you?
 * Peanut: Were scared as hell!
 * Jeff: Parking here?
 * Peanut: Sucked more like hell!
 * Jeff: So?
 * Peanut: WE'RE IN HELL!! [looks at crowd]  And these are our Hellmates!


 * [Peanut and José speak to each other in Spanish.]
 * Jeff: What're you doing?
 * Peanut: I'm speakin' to José in his native tongue!
 * Jeff: Well, you don't do that.
 * Peanut: Why not?
 * Jeff: Well, it makes me feel... left out.
 * Peanut: [looks at Jeff] HAH?!
 * Jeff Dunham: I don't speak Spanish!
 * [Peanut and José look at him. José turns from Jeff, imitating the theme music from The Twilight Zone.]
 * Peanut: [imitating Rod Serling] "Picture, if you will..."


 * [Jeff almost drops José Jalapeño.]
 * Peanut: Whoa! Oh, dude... I thought you were gonna drop him, oh, jeez... that woulda been... funny as hell!
 * José: Do not drop me, Señor!
 * Jeff Dunham: I won't drop you, José.
 * José: I would then be José Jalapeño on the floor!
 * Peanut: Do a little tap dance and we got salsa!
 * Jeff Dunham: That's terrible!
 * Peanut: Not with the right kind of chips, it's not!
 * Jeff: Stop it! I'm sorry, José.
 * José: It's okay. I kick his ass later.
 * Peanut: I'll turn your ass into guacamolé! I'll stir you with your own stick! This is the way we stir the guac, stir the guac, stir the guac! OLE!

Spark of Insanity (2007)
[Walter, Peanut and José are all sleeping in the same bed with Jeff and Paige]
 * Walter: Aw, kids with their hipping and their hopping and... Pull up your damn pants, you morons!
 * Jeff Dunham: Second Comedy Central special. It's gonna be great. No, Mommy, I don't wanna wear the pink bow.
 * Peanut: He even does this in his sleep. Ha! What a freak!
 * Paige Dunham: [Laying next to them in bed] Would you idiots give it a rest? [Rolls over, sees José looking back at her]
 * José Jalapeño: [to Paige] Would you like to see my stick?
 * Paige Dunham: Aaaaaaaah! [hides under blanket]


 * Jeff Dunham: So I heard your birthday came not too long ago.
 * Walter: Yep.
 * Jeff Dunham: Did your wife get you anything?
 * Walter: Eh, she got me a book on reincarnation.
 * Jeff Dunham: Do you believe in reincarnation?
 * Walter: Hell I don't know.
 * Jeff Dunham: Well, if it happens, who would you come back as, and what would you do?
 * Walter: I'd come back as my wife and leave me the hell alone!


 * [Walter is complaining about suicide bombers]
 * Jeff: You know, Walter, those guys actually believe that if they martyred themselves like that, there'll be 72 virgins waiting for 'em in paradise.
 * Walter: Well, April Fool, dumbass! If there are virgins waiting for you, there'll be 72 guys just like you! "Oh, no, this is not what Osama said it would be!" Seventy-two virgins? Why not 72 slutty broads who know what the hell they're doing?


 * Achmed: No, you said "Acmed." It's "Achmed." [coughs;audience laughs] Silence! I keel you!
 * Jeff: How do you spell it?
 * Achmed: What?
 * Jeff: How do you spell your name?
 * Achmed: Oh, let's see, uh, A... C... phlegm... [audience laughs] Silence! I keel you too!
 * Jeff: So Achmed, if you're a terrorist, I'd suppose you have some sort of specialty.
 * Achmed: Yes, I am a suicide bomber.
 * Jeff: Ah. So, you're finished.
 * Achmed: [confused] What?
 * Jeff: You've done your job.
 * Achmed: No, I haven't.
 * Jeff: But you're dead.
 * Achmed: No I'm not. I feel fine!
 * Jeff: But you're all bone.
 * Achmed: It's a flesh wound! [audience laughs] SILENCE! I KEEL YOU!


 * Jeff: All right, listen, Achmed, I have something to tell you.
 * Achmed: What?
 * Jeff: You really are dead.
 * Achmed: Are you sure? [Jeff nods] I just got my flu shot!
 * Jeff: You really are dead.
 * Achmed: Wait, if I'm dead, [gasps] that means I get my seventy-two virgins! [looks at crowd] Are you my virgins? I hope not!
 * Jeff: Why?
 * Achmed: There's a bunch of ugly-ass guys out there! If this is paradise, I've been screwed!
 * Jeff: Well, is there anything that said there'd only be female virgins?
 * Achmed: Holy crap! [realizes] Wait, I could have Clay Aiken!




 * Jeff Dunham: So, Achmed, where did you come from?
 * Achmed: From your freakin' suitcase! Hahahahahahahahaha! I told another joke!
 * Jeff Dunham: So if you've been in my suitcase all this time, how have you been getting past security?
 * Achmedt: Oh, that's easy. They just open the case and I go, "Hel-looooooooo. I am Lindsay Lohan!"

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Jeff: So, Achmed, do you like being in D.C?
 * Achmed: I think some idiots might live here. For example, the Washington Monument! It looks nothing like the guy. It looks more like a tribute to Bill Clinton!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Jeff: [talking to Melvin] So you're married. Does your wife have any powers?
 * Melvin: Well, once a month... she becomes evil! And I cannot defeat her! Our children flee in terror! Our big dog cowers under the couch!
 * Jeff: You have a big dog?
 * Melvin: Actually, I borrowed your Chihuahua!
 * Jeff: You know, Superman has a dog. Krypto, he has all the same powers as Superman does.
 * Melvin: That's ridiculous. If Krypto sniffs your crotch, he'll suck your lungs out your ass! If he humps your leg, you'll be in traction for a year!
 * Jeff: Do you have an arch-enemy?
 * Melvin: Pinocchio!
 * Jeff: So, do you have a weakness?
 * Melvin:  Cupcakes....and porn. [audience groans/laughs/claps] Well, not at the same time. I need a free hand!

<hr width=50%>
 * Peanut: [talking about Jeff's wife] Well, what if she's been with someone else? Like, ME! [audience laughs] Oh, come on! You go purple, you never go back!
 * Jeff: I really don't think my wife has slept with you, Peanut!
 * Peanut: Well, think about this for a second: In a weird, twisted kind of way, all five of us onstage have slept with your wife. When you're wacky and having a great time, that's meeee! When you're pissed off and lying there thinking, "Why did I marry this broad?" That's Walter. When you're so angry, you want to kill her, that's Achmed.
 * Jeff: And what is José Jalapeño on a stick?
 * Peanut: You're a sick man!

<hr width=50%>
 * Peanut: Actually, if you look at it it says Jefuh-fuh DunHAAAAM...dot com.
 * Jeff: What?
 * Peanut: Je-fuh-fuh.
 * Jeff: Fuh-fuh?
 * Peanut: You're using an unneeded f! Am I pissing you off-fuh-fuhhh? [audience laughs] Jeff-fuh-fuhhh? [audience laughs] Hah-hah-hahhh! [audience laughs] You know, the weird thing is I am actually pissing him off. And he would like to kill me! But he will not because that would be a form of suiciiiiide! [to Jeff] You want to kill me.
 * Jeff: No.
 * Peanut: Yes.
 * Jeff: No.
 * Peanut: Yes
 * Jeff: No.
 * Peanut: Yes.
 * Jeff: No.
 * Peanut: [imitating Darth Vader] Search your feelings, Jeff-fuh-fuhhh!

<hr width=50%>
 * Peanut: I have a question for Josie.
 * José: My name is José.
 * Peanut: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were in America, speaking frickin' English! But I didn't see the little chicka over the E, which magically changes "Josie" into frickin' "José"! And I didn't see that nye over the N, which changes "jalapeeno" into frickin' "jalapeño". [pronounces it with a guttural hacking sound] So with a nye over the N and a chicka over the E, two keys I can never frickin' find on a frickin' keyboard...! Apparently, it's a secret known only to the Mexicans. So José, what are you typing? Oh, I'm sorry. Talk about hunt-and-peck.
 * Jeff: I'm sorry, José.
 * José: It's okay. I'm going to hire Achmed to kill him.

<hr width=50%>
 * Jeff: [to José] I'm very happy to have you in the act.
 * José: Gracias, Señor.
 * Peanut: Just make sure he's legal!
 * Jeff: He's legal!
 * Peanut: Okay!
 * Jeff: Why are you so concerned?
 * Peanut: Are you not concerned?
 * Jeff: Why should I be concerned?
 * Peanut: He works for YOU! If some of those laws pass and he's not legal, you're gonna get your ass thrown in jail! And trust me, you would not do well in prison.
 * Jeff: Why not?
 * Peanut: Ha! C'mere, puppet boy! Make your daddy talk!

Jeff Dunham's Very Special Christmas Special (2008)

 * Jeff: So, Bubba J, I hear you wrote a letter to Santa.
 * Bubba J: Yeah, I done it on the computer.
 * Jeff: Did you mail it to him?
 * Bubba J: Heh-heh, no.
 * Jeff: Why not?
 * Bubba J: My computer won't fit in the mailbox. Walter's right, you are a dumbass, heh-heh-heh!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Jeff: What have you actually blown up?
 * Achmed: A woman.
 * Jeff: You blew up a woman?
 * Achmed: She was inflatable. You know, an inflatable virgin! I had to stop seeing her.
 * Jeff: Why?
 * Achmed: She popped. [imitates balloon losing air] She ended up on the chandelier. She'd been there before, but not like that!
 * Jeff: Where do you find an inflatable virgin?
 * Achmed: Right next to the inflatable goats! [audience laughs] Oh, come on! Like you've never done that! Seriously, how far are we from Iowa?

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Achmed: Last week, I thought I had scoliosis.
 * Jeff: [snickers] Well, What did you do about the scoliosis?
 * Achmed: I went to the doctor.
 * Guitar Guy: What happened?
 * Achmed: The idiot said, "Hey, let's take an x-ray!" [audience laughs] I said "You idiot, how 'bout a freaking Polaroid! [audience laughs] It's the same thing you mor-[his feet fall off the stand] Oh, not this crap again! [audience laughs]

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Achmed: [to Jeff and Guitar Guy] WHAT THE FUCK IS POLIOSIS!?! [audience laughs] "Help, I'm twisted and I can't get up!"

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Achmed: [to the tune of Jingle Bells] Dashing through the sand, with a bomb strapped to my back, I have a nasty plan for Christmas in Iraq. I got through checkpoint A, but not through checkpoint B, That's when I got shot in the ass by the U.S. Military! [audience applauds] SILENCE! I'm not finished! And this is a sad song!  Oh, jingle bombs, jingle bombs, mine blew up, you see. Where are all the virgins that Bin Laden promised me? Oh, Jingle bombs, jingle bombs, U.S. soldiers shot me dead. The only thing that I have left is the towel upon my head.  I used to be a man, but every time I cough, Thanks to Uncle Sam, my nuts keep falling off! [Jeff and Guitar Guy look down at Achmed's pelvis.]  Stop looking, you perverts!  You can look, badonkadonk chick. 'Cause I have an Irish wiener. It's magically delicious.  My bombing days are done, I need to find some work Perhaps it would be much safer as a convenience store night clerk. Oooh, jingle bombs, jingle bombs, I think I got screwed, Don’t laugh at me because I’m dead or I kill you!

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Peanut: I don't think José celebrates Christmas.
 * Jeff: No?
 * Peanut: He said they do somethin' called Nav-ee-dad... with some chick named Phyllis.
 * Jeff: Feliz Navidad.
 * Peanut: Yeah, that bitch.
 * Jeff: That means Merry Christmas in Spanish.
 * Peanut: Olé!

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Jeff: So, how was the skiing?
 * Peanut: Great!
 * José: I had to snowboard.
 * Peanut: [Snickers] STICK!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Achmed: I've got a favor to ask of you, infidel.
 * Jeff: What?
 * Achmed: When we're finished here, will you come caroling with me? What?
 * Jeff: You go Christmas caroling?
 * Achmed: Oh, yes. I love to Christmas carol.
 * Jeff: Like, what do you sing?
 * Achmed: Umm... "Bin Laden is Coming to Town", "O Holy Crap..." [singing to the tune of "O Holy Night"] Oh, holy crap. I think I blew my foot off... [audience laughs] And then my favorite: "SILENCE! Night." [audience laughs again] Thank you.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Jeff: Wait, there was an avalanche?
 * José: Achmed started it.
 * Peanut: We told him not to bring that bomb!
 * Jeff: He brought a BOMB?
 * José: On a stick!
 * Jeff: Why did he bring a bomb?
 * José: I think he's a workaholic.
 * Jeff So, what happened after the avalanche?
 * José: We were trapped in the snow for three days!
 * Jeff: Wow. Did you have anything to eat?
 * Peanut: [Whispers to Jeff] A jalepeno!
 * José: You're a sick bastard!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Jeff: And now, The Night Before Christmas.
 * Peanut: This could probably be a good time for the Muslims to go to the bathroom.
 * Jeff: "'Twas the night before Christmas-"
 * Peanut: And all the Jews were at the movies. Or eating Chinese food. I'm just trying to include everybody.
 * Jeff: "'Twas-"
 * Peanut: Hold it.
 * Jeff: What?!
 * Peanut: Who the hell says "'Twas"?
 * Jeff: It's in the story.
 * Peanut: It's old and stupid.
 * Jeff: It's tradition.
 * Peanut: 'Tis it?
 * Jeff: "'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house-"
 * Peanut: Why is it always a house?
 * Jeff: What?
 * Peanut: Like there's kids that live in apartments. How does Santa Claus get to the kids in the apartments, Uncle Jeffie? They have to buzz his ass in. (Buzzer noise: Eh-Ehhh!) "Santa Claus".
 * Jeff: "...And all through the apartments, not a creature was stirring-"
 * Peanut: Except for the asshole in 2-B. They're drunk and hitting each other with menorahs. "Oy vey". That's Jewish for "holy shit". Nothing funnier than throwing in a couple of "holy shits" before "The Night Before Christmas", huh?
 * Jeff: "...Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse."
 * Peanut: Mouse? You wish. You're in an apartment, that's a rat.
 * Jeff: "The stockings were hung by the chimney with care."
 * Peanut: And believe me, the room could use some fresh air. Seriously, how the hell did that tradition start?
 * Jeff: What?
 * Peanut: Hanging up dirty laundry hoping Santa would fill them with goodies? [gags] "I'd like to suck on this candy cane, but it smells like Dad's feet!" Good thing the tradition wasn't jockstraps. "Sally, what's in yours?" "Nuts. And Mommy says they're magically delicious!"
 * Jeff: You are ruining this story!
 * Peanut: You're the pervert eating out of your own jockstrap. Isn't this the part with kids and sugar plums dancing in their heads?
 * Jeff: Yeah?
 * Peanut: What does that mean? I think they're hallucinating. These apartment children are on drugs. Santa's gonna bring me a G.I. Joe and a bong. And Daddy wants a ho ho ho. It's Daddy and the three hos.
 * Jeff: "With mama in her kerchief and I in my cap, had just settled down-"
 * Peanut: "For a big snort of crack". Oh, Guitar Guy. You're in this story too. Well, you have to get to the part where Santa gets busted for breaking and entering. Where the hell is that?
 * Jeff: It's not breaking and entering!
 * Peanut: Oh, keep reading. I think it qualifies.
 * Jeff: "As I drew in my head and was turning around, down the chimney Saint Nicholas came with a bound."
 * Peanut: He fell down.
 * Jeff: Yes.
 * Peanut: Doesn't it say his face was all red?
 * Jeff: Yeah.
 * Peanut: Why the hell does no one ever see this? He is drunk off his ass! This is a horrible, horrible story!
 * Jeff: "He was dressed all in fur from his head to his foot, and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot."
 * Peanut: Fat; drinkin' and drivin'... in a furry gaaay outfit... covered in soot; he's smokin', and you let him in the house because he said he had something for your kids! What the hell kind of father are you, anyway? If I were you, I'd check his I.D., then Taser his fat ass! And how fat is this guy anyway? Everyone always leavin' him a plates full of cookies, I'd think he's a diabetic too, don'tcha think?! You gotta leave 'em a plateful of insulin, how 'bout that? Can't wait to hear this story next year: "The Night Before Christmas, Part 2: Santa's On Dialysis And He's Missing A Leg!" … And all of his little dollies have "poliosis!"
 * Jeff: Can I finish this story?
 * Peanut: Oh, please do!
 * Jeff: "He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle..."
 * Peanut: Gotta go quick, 'cause there's a cop with a pistol!
 * Jeff: "But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight‍—"
 * Peanut: "Merry Christmas to all! Oh, crap! I ran over your bike!"
 * Jeff: You guys have been a great audience! Thanks for coming tonight!

Controlled Chaos (2011)

 * Achmed: [making the P sound in "posse" repeatedly] How am I doing that with no lips? [long pause as the audience laughs and applauds] That's what she said. [cackles]
 * Jeff: I can't believe you did that.
 * Achmed: That's what she said!
 * Jeff: Will you stop this?
 * Achmed: [higher pitch] THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
 * Jeff: I don't like this.
 * Achmed: [REALLY high pitch] THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!!
 * Jeff: How long is this?
 * Achmed: ''[almost squeaky, it's so high-pitched] THATSWHATSHESAID!!!
 * [another long pause as Jeff and Achmed stare at each other]
 * Achmed: Think about it...
 * Jeff: ...So you were talking to Walter earlier.
 * Achmed: [suddenly angry] Dammit!

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Jeff Dunham: [to Peanut] Do you like it here?
 * Peanut: I love it here! It's beautiful, it's sold out, the place is paid for; we must be on an Indian reservation! And these are all Indians!
 * Jeff Dunham: Look, Peanut, first of all, the politically-correct term these days is "Native American".
 * Peanut: [whispering] Oh, yeah, good! [normal voice] Well, I certainly wouldn't want to piss them off. They could try and scalp me, but all they'd get is a fishing lure! [nods]

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Jeff Dunham: [to José] José, I don't know how you put up with this.
 * José Jalapeño on a Stick: I have nowhere else to go, Señor.
 * Peanut: He was evicted.
 * Jeff Dunham: You were evicted?
 * José Jalapeño on a Stick: Sí.
 * Jeff Dunham: Why didn't you come to my house?
 * [Peanut snickers]
 * José Jalapeño on a Stick: Ask Peanut.
 * Jeff Dunham: [to Peanut] Why didn't he come to my house?
 * Peanut: [laughing hysterically] We told him you loved eating Mexican food!
 * José Jalapeño on a Stick: I was afraid for my life.
 * Jeff Dunham: [to Peanut] So where'd you take him?
 * Peanut: …TACO BELL!

Minding the Monsters (2012)

 * Walter: (Comes out dressed as Frankenstein's monster) Shut the hell up, this wasn't my idea!

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Jeff: (to Walter) Good evening, Walter.
 * Walter: (dressed as Frankenstein's monster) Do I look like Walter?
 * Jeff: Well, you look like a Walter-Frankenstein.
 * Walter: Well then, call me Crankenstein.
 * Jeff: All right, well, Crankenstein, you look good.
 * Walter: No, I don't, I look like a cross between Hillary Clinton and the Hulk! (beat) No offense, Hulk.
 * Jeff: You don't look like either one of them.
 * Walter: Then I look like Gumby in a nursing home, how about that? (laughs) That would make you Pokey! Get it? You're an ass!

<hr width="50%"/>


 * Peanut: (dressed as "Batman", low voice) I'm Batnut, nut-based avenger of the night!
 * Jeff: Is that why you're talking like that?
 * Peanut: Of course!
 * Jeff: Batnut?
 * Peanut: Yes.
 * Jeff: You sound more like you're the Joker.
 * Peanut: (in normal voice) Okay, shut up! I'll do the talking, you just stand there and try to look like you're doing something besides just standing there.