Jeff Foxworthy



Jeffrey Marshall "Jeff" Foxworthy (born September 6, 1958) is an American comedian and actor, and a member of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.

Quotes

 * I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.
 * The Tonight Show, 27 March 2007


 * Talking with Gary Busey is kinda like sex. You want to do it, you just don't want to be alone when you do it.
 * Comedy Central Roast of Larry the Cable Guy


 * People always ask me, "Did you see Larry's latest movie?" I always say, "No, but I flushed a ten dollar bill down the toilet, so I feel like I've seen it."
 * Comedy Central Roast of Larry the Cable Guy


 * Country music is about new love and it's about old love. It's about gettin' drunk and gettin' sober. It's about leavin' and it's about comin' home. It's real music sung by real people for real people, the people that make up the backbone of this country. You can call us rednecks if you want. We're not offended, 'cause we know what we're all about. We get up and go to work, we get up and go to church, and we get up and go to war when necessary.
 * 2007 CMT Awards

You Might Be a Redneck If… (1993)

 * Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? You put on something from the cleaners, they're gonna spit up just like that. My wardrobe looks like we have condors living in our yard. And if you play with 'em too hard, they'll spew like a can of beer.  I like to shake my daughter up, then hand her to people I don't like.  "Hold her just a minute, would you?"


 * When I was a kid, my parents had a 900-pound television on top of a TV tray. My dad's theory was, "Let him pull it on his head a few times, he'll learn. You wanna put a penny in the light socket?  Try that out.  OHH!  Hurt like hell, didn't it?  Don't do that no more."


 * My mom thinks my new daughter is exceptionally bright, because now she will lie on the floor and talk to the ceiling fan. I said, "Mom, Uncle Harold does that and y'all call him an alcoholic."


 * Whatever cleaning goes on on the planet, women do 99% of it. But see, women are not as proud of their 99% as men are of our one! We clean something up, we're gonna talk about it all year long. It might be on the news, you don't know. A woman could be out re-paving the driveway. Men actually have enough gall to run out on the porch and go "Hey baby? Man, it's hot as hell out here, ain't it! Look, don't worry about emptyin' that ashtray in the den, I done got it, all right? Did it for you, sweet pea. I'm gonna go take a nap now, all right?"


 * [Talking about "The First Singles Apartment"] They're all furnished pretty much the same way. In your bedroom, you have the mattress on the floor, protected by a mountain of dirty clothes, milk crates for night stands, lava lamp with a permanent glob in the bottom, stolen road sign on the wall, a blanket for a curtain. Out in the hall it was the mystery stain on the carpet, Budwiser mirror on the wall.  Out on the balcony it was the rusted-out Hibachi grill, plant with no leaves on it, bike with no chain on it.  In the den you had the spool.  If you get one of those, you'll be like "it's coffee table time!"  Next to that, the $9,000.00 stereo.  We're going hungry, but we've got tunes!  That was the stereo, you could turn it on after midnight and make the people down the street wet the bed.  And the beanbag chair with duct tape on it to keep the stuff from fallin' out of it.


 * [describing the aftermath of a singles' party] It looked like "Jonestown: The Morning After"! You're trying to wake up people you've never met before. "Hey, Man With No Pants and a Fireman Helmet On... please get up. I gotta go to work. Alright, lock the door when you leave. I just got a new sofa, I don't want anything to happen to it."1


 * My wife is a beautiful girl. To hear her describe herself, it sounds like "The Bearded Goat Woman from Hell". If she looked like that, I'd never let her out of the house! I'd chain her up in the backyard, charge 5 bucks for people to look at her. "Alright, now this is some scary shit. I mean it, stand back!" [mimes opening a gate, makes deformed faces and mimes closing the gate] That is my wife!"


 * [telling a "You Might Be a Redneck" joke] If your family tree does not fork.... I can see some couples here don't like that. "That ain't funny, is it, sis?"


 * [having his Camaro repossessed] He said, "Mr. Foxworthy, I'm from the bank, and unless you have $500, I am taking the Camaro with me." I got mad! I said, "$500?! Who keeps that kinda cash on them?" He said, "You can't write me a check?" I said, "No, I -- a check? Hell yeah, I can write you a check! I thought you needed money. Tell you what, I'm just gonna pay the whole thing off right now! I'm gonna be a congressman when I grow up."

Games Rednecks Play (1995)

 * Hell, when I was in high school, a "drive-by shooting" meant somebody had their rear end hanging out a car window!


 * You don't have the stupidest family in the world, you don't have the goofiest family in the world. And if you ever need to verify that, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Five minutes at a fair, you'll be going, "You know what? We're all right. We're dang near royalty!"


 * I think {the designated driver program} is a great idea, because anything is safer than the way we used to do it: "Hey dude, get up! Give us a ride home, man! C'mon, whaddaya say? We'll buy ya a beer!"...The only problem with the designated driver program {is} it's not the world's most desirable job...But if you ever get talked into doing it, have fun with the group. Like at the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong damn house, preferably in their boss's front yard or something.


 * [from a skit about airports] You know you're in trouble when at the control tower, there's a note taped to the door that says "Back in five minutes."

Totally Committed (1998)

 * On life's list of fun things to do, [visiting my in-laws] comes in somewhere below sitting in a tub full of scissors.


 * [On why criminals rob nice-looking houses] You come up on a house where the grass is this tall, and there's a dog chained to the clothesline, and a motor swinging in the tree, buddy, that's a house where a gun lives! And you want to find out what kind it is, just crawl through the window after dark.


 * You break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.


 * [what men are thinking] I'd like a beer and I'd like to see something naked.


 * Women [in bed] are kind of like diesel engines. You know, it may take a little bit to get them going, but once you do, they can run a long, long time. Men, on the other hand, we're more like...bottle rockets.  Ooh. Aah.  

Have Your Loved Ones Spayed and Neutered (2004)

 * A few weeks ago, sitting in traffic -- bumper-to-bumper traffic in Atlanta -- the car in front of me has got a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you love Jesus". I toot the horn a couple times, and the guy flipped me off.


 * (To his wife) You do not have testicular cancer. You don't even have "testiculars"!


 * If you're a man and you can't remember the last time you had sex with a woman, you're either gay or married.


 * If you're a man and you've ever been antique shopping during a big football game, you're either gay or married.


 * Do you know why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder? Because the DNA's all the same and there's no dental records.


 * I've often said working with Larry is a lot like watching the Jerry Springer Show. After five minutes, you will feel better about your own family.


 * Buying a used rental car is kind of like going to a house of ill repute looking for a wife. Anything that's been driven that hard by that many people, you really don't want to put your key in it.


 * My mother won't drive 50 miles an hour. You put her in a rental car, she's doing doughnuts in the grocery store parking lot!


 * [about rental car employees who ask if he wants the additional insurance]
 * I say "Yes, I would. 'Cause you've got a Ford Fiesta that's about to see more airtime than a skateboard at the X-Games."


 * [about a clerk, after recounting a story he read in which someone presented a store cashier with a million dollar bill and asked for change]
 * She goes "I'll bet it was a counterfeit million dollar bill." Kinda like your high school diploma, huh?


 * It's not my dreams that get me in trouble, it's the things my wife dreams I did...My wife punched me in the middle of the night; I woke up, I was like "Oww! What was that for?" She said "I dreamt you were making out with Faith Hill ."  I said "I wasn't dreaming anything!  Send her over to my dream, we'll both be happy."


 * You know, I remember Career Day in high school. I remember plumbers and lawyers . . . I don't remember a booth where you could sign up to learn how to shoot chickens out of a cannon at the windshield of an airplane, 'cause there would have been a line at my school to do that!


 * [about his daughters and nieces having developed a natural curiosity about boys]
 * When I get in the shower, there is nobody else in the bathroom. Now, when I get out of the shower, there's five little girls just loitering.  I finally confronted them.  I said "Why are all five of you in the bathroom?"  And my youngest one, who's really funny, she said "We're trying to see a hoo-hoo!"  I said "Well, I'm gonna tell the five of you all you need to know about hoo-hoos.  Hoo-hoos are extremely poisonous."  And without missing a beat, she said "They are not, or the dog would be dead!"  I hate a smart child.