Jersey Girl (2004 film)

Jersey Girl is a 2004 American comedy-drama film written and directed by Kevin Smith. It stars Ben Affleck, Liv Tyler, Raquel Castro, George Carlin, Jason Biggs, Jennifer Lopez and Will Smith.

Dialogue

 * Ollie: [to Gertie] You're the only thing I was ever good at.


 * [last lines]
 * Gertie: Thank you, daddy.
 * Ollie: Anything for you, Gert. You know why?
 * Gertie: Why?
 * Ollie: Because you're the only thing I was ever really good at.


 * [first lines]
 * Teacher: Everyone, please take your seats. You heard the bell. You know what it means. Last week, the assignment was to write an essay about your family. Who they...
 * Teacher: [class: "Are!"] And what they...
 * Teacher: [class: "Mean to us!"] Excellent droning.


 * Gertie: I hate you! I hate you! I wish you died, not MOMMY!
 * Ollie: I hate you right back, you little shit! You and your mom took my life away from me. I just want it back!


 * Bart: Sun even shines on a dog's ass some days.
 * Greenie: You getting a dog?


 * Maya: That was kind of sweet. I'm kind of crushing on you right now, Trinkle.


 * Ollie: "Cats" is the second worst thing that ever happened in New York City.


 * [after talking to Gertie, after finding her with Brian without their pants on]
 * Ollie: Do you have any questions about what you saw?
 * Gertie: [thinking hard] Do you have what Brian has?
 * Ollie: Yes.
 * Gertie: [after thinking hard again] Is it as big as his?
 * Ollie: Sadly, yes.


 * Ollie: George Michael is all about the ladies. "I want your sex". Does that sound like he's singing to a guy?


 * Boy #5: Okay, it's like this. My dog ate my paper. I checked, but he didn't poop it out.


 * Bart: Try acting like a father, shit-head.


 * Gertrude: [very pregnant Gertrude is getting ready for the VMAs] You try getting ready quickly when you look like this! I'm so fat and there's going to be nothing but beautiful skinny girls there!
 * Ollie: That's because they're all coked-out whores, honey.
 * Gertrude: [now crying] I want to be a coked-out whore!


 * Ollie: They're just skinny because they're coked-out whores.
 * Gertrude: [sobbing] I want to be a coked-out whore!
 * Ollie: Okay, you can be a coked-out whore. You can be a coked-out, coked-out whore.


 * Maya: I do it at least twice a day.
 * Ollie: Good God!

Cast

 * Ben Affleck - Oliver "Ollie" Trinké
 * Liv Tyler - Maya
 * Raquel Castro - Gertie Trinké
 * George Carlin - Bart Trinké
 * Jennifer Lopez - Gertude Steiney
 * Stephen Root - Greenie
 * Mike Starr - Block
 * Jason Biggs - Arthur Brickman
 * Will Smith - Himself (uncredited)
 * Jason Lee - PR Exec. 1
 * Matt Damon - PR Exec. 2
 * Paulie Litt - Bryan (as Paulie Litowsky)
 * Harley Quinn Smith - Trace Colelli (uncredited)