Joan Rivers

Joan Alexandra Rosenberg (June 8, 1933 – September 4, 2014), known by her stage name Joan Rivers, was an American actress, comedian, writer, producer and television host, best known for her stand-up comedy, for co-hosting the E! celebrity fashion show Fashion Police, and for starring in the reality series Joan & Melissa: Joan Knows Best? alongside her daughter Melissa Rivers.

Quotes

 * There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
 * Quoted in L.A. Times (10 May 1974), as reported in The Yale Book of Quotations (2006), p. 638


 * [Catchphrase:] Can we talk?
 * Quoted in Wash. Post (24 Aug. 1982), as reported in The Yale Book of Quotations (2006), p. 638


 * [Catchphrase:] Oh, grow up!
 * Frequent response to an audience's groans or reactions to her remarks.


 * Why do wives have to spend so much time dusting, vacuuming, mopping, making beds, washing dishes, when you just have to do it all again six months later?
 * As quoted in Enjoy Your Gifted Child (1986), by C. A. Takacs, p. 55


 * Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
 * As quoted in R. Byrne, Third and Possibly the Best 637 Best Things Anybody Ever Said (1987)


 * I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me "sir."
 * As quoted in R. Byrne, Third and Possibly the Best 637 Best Things Anybody Ever Said (1987)


 * I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
 * On her plastic surgeries, quoted in The New York Times, 2008 (republished in The New York Daily News


 * My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
 * Joan Rivers on BBC 2 (23 February 1990), as reported in The Quotable Jewish Woman (2004), by E. Partnow, p. 179


 * Never floss with a stranger.
 * As quoted in Words of Wisdom (1990), ed. by W. Safire & L. Safir, p. 358


 * It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up.
 * Reported in The Quotable Quote Book (Carol Publishing Group, 1990), p. 258


 * Two is company; three is fifty bucks.
 * Reported in The Quotable Quote Book (1990), p. 258


 * Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly—hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.
 * As quoted in Reader's Digest Quotable Quotes (1997), p. 87


 * Looking fifty is great—if you're sixty.
 * As quoted in Dick Enberg's Humorous Quotes for All Occasions (2000), p. 21


 * I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
 * As quoted in Dick Enberg's Humorous Quotes for All Occasions (2000), p. 101


 * A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
 * As quoted in Funny Ladies (2001), by B. Adler, p. 147


 * My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
 * As quoted in Funny Ladies (2001), by B. Adler, p. 213


 * I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
 * As quoted in Funny Ladies (2001), by B. Adler, p. 272


 * I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
 * As quoted in The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said (2003), by R. Byrne, 94


 * Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa, you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'
 * As quoted in On Being Blonde: Wit and Wisdom from the World's Most Infamous Blondes (2004), by P. Munier, p. 83


 * I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
 * As quoted in On Being Blonde (2004), by P. Munier, p. 84


 * My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
 * As quoted in On Being Blonde (2004), by P. Munier, p. 84


 * You know you are getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
 * Reported in The Quote Manual: Wisdom and Wit of the Ages (2005), by R. G. Moscatelli, p. 201


 * People say money is not the key to happiness, but I've always figured if you have enough money you can get a key made.
 * As quoted in Seriously Funny (2009), by G. Nachman, p. 606


 * I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes&mdash;and six months later you have to start all over again.
 * As quoted in Women Talk, edited by Michèle Brown & Ann OʼConnor (1984)

Misattributed

 * Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
 * David Seabury, as quoted in The Forbes Scrapbook of Thoughts on the Business of Life (1950), p. 248

Quotes about Rivers

 * No one loved life, laughter and a good time more than Joan. We would have dinner and laugh and gossip and I always left the table smiling. She was a brassy, often outrageous and hilarious performer who made millions laugh. In private, she was the picture of elegance and class. I will miss her.
 * Barbara Walters, "Stars, others react to death of Joan Rivers", Reuters (4 September 2014)