Joan of Arcadia

Joan of Arcadia is an American television fantasy/family drama, which aired on Fridays on CBS from 26 September 2003 until 22 April 2005. The title is a portmanteau of Joan of Arc and the fictional city of Arcadia, Maryland. The stories involve a teenage girl, Joan Girardi (played by Amber Tamblyn), who sees and speaks with God in the form of various people and is asked to perform tasks that often appear to be trivial or contrary, but always end up positively improving a larger situation.

Pilot

 * Sammy: (on the phone) Is it breathing? It's moving? If it's moving and breathing then its not dead! It's hopping? If it's hopping then it's really not dead!


 * Sammy: (on the phone) This is why I didn't want to get a rabbit for a pet! They're not pets, they're food!


 * Luke: So, what you do is that you shoot these photons at this piece of paper...
 * Joan: There's a pervert in the yard!!
 * Luke: ..and a pervert appears in the yard.


 * Joan: What about my hair?
 * Luke: It's on your head.


 * Joan: Who are you?
 * Cute Boy God: I've known you since before you were born, Joan.
 * Joan: I'm going to ask you one more time.
 * Cute Boy God: I'm God.
 * Joan: You're what?
 * Cute Boy God: God.
 * Joan: Don't ever...talk to me again.


 * Luke: As the great physicist Faraday once said, 'Nothing is too wonderful to be true.'


 * Joan: Let's... let's say you're God.
 * Cute Boy God: Joan, I am God.
 * Joan: Okay, well, let's see a miracle.
 * Cute Boy God: Okay. How 'bout that?

''Camera pans to a large tree nearby. Cute Boy God stops beneath it.''
 * Joan: That's a tree.
 * Cute Boy God: Let's see you make one.

The Fire and the Wood

 * Joan: So, my true nature is to be a catalyst? That is mad anti-climatic.
 * God: Anti climactic. Anti-climatic means you're against the weather.


 * Kevin: I remember normal. Back when I was normal, I wanted them to buy me a car.  You know what they said?  They said "No." they said "Be a man.  Get a job, buy your own car."  So, what's changed since then?  Huh?  Joan, what's changed?
 * Joan: You know what's changed.
 * Kevin: Yep. Nobody expects me to be a man anymore.
 * [Kevin leaves, Joan yells after him]
 * Joan: You stopped trying! You just sit around and smoke in the park like some subdefective!


 * Joan: Make Kevin walk, please? I just ask this one favor and then I'll never ask for one again.  It's so easy for you.  All you have to do is snap your fingers or blink your eyes.  Just let Kevin stand up.
 * God: People ask me to do things - big things, little things - billions of times, every day.
 * Joan: What do you expect? You're God!
 * God: I put a lot of thought into the Universe; came up with the rules. It sets a bad example if I break them - not to mention, shows favoritism.  Why should one person get a miracle, and not everybody else?  Can you imagine the confusion?  It's better when we all abide by the rules.
 * Joan: No miracles?
 * God: Miracles happen within the rules.

Touch Move

 * Will: [On the phone] Yes sir. I understand, but I assure you, my guys are on it.


 * Joan: Sir? Who does he call Sir?


 * Luke: His boss.


 * Joan: He doesn't have a boss.


 * Luke: Sure he does. The Commissioner, the Mayor, the Attorney General, Mom.


 * Woman: Joan Girardi? Sign Here.


 * Joan: Oh. I never get anything in the mail.


 * Woman: You owe eleven dollars and fifty cents.


 * [Joan turns around to call her mom for the money.]


 * Woman: Un uh. You have twelve dollars in you pocket you were going to use to buy a Frappuccino and a muffin when you skip history class after lunch. Which by the way. Do not do that.


 * Joan: Oh God. You're just a three ring circus aren't you?


 * God: Ok, price went up. Give me the whole twelve.


 * Joan: What are you going to do with money?


 * God: It's not what I'm going to do with it. It's what you're going to do without it.


 * Grace: Tell your brother to stop with the after-shave. First, he has nothing to shave. Second, it smells like picked eggs. And third, he sits behind me and I'm allergic. I have like, one working sinus left.


 * Grace: You smell that? It's like essence of pimp.


 * Joan: Yeah, it's pretty bad. It's really girly. Hard to believe he's straight.


 * Grace: Hard to believe and hard to care.


 * Joan: You know, I know he's not your type, I know he isn't mine. (Grace gives her a look) If he weren't my brother. I'm more into athlete type. You know that's my thing. Football players, wrestlers. Abs. Big forearms.


 * Grace: Small cerebral cortex.


 * Adam: (in a whisper) Wrestlers?


 * Joan: Mind your own business.


 * God: Oh Joan, it would have been so much easier if you just read the book. Now I'm gonna have to send you to the basement.


 * Joan: You mean like, Hell?


 * God: No, I mean, like, the basement. There's one in the school. Check it out.


 * Girl 2: You hit on Dax Hibbing?


 * Joan: I don't know Dax Hibbing.


 * Girl 2: Are you insane? They are like, such a unit. You can't get in there.


 * Joan: I don't know Dax Hibbing.


 * Girl 2: You're either a complete freak or my hero.


 * Joan's Chess Partner: Benjamin Franklin. (Joan clicks her timer) Interesting. Fianachetto.


 * Joan: I have no idea what I'm doing.


 * Joan's Chess Partner: Yeah, like I'm falling for that.


 * Joan: A horse can jump people right?


 * Joan's Chess Partner: That's funny.


 * Teacher: How's it going?


 * Joan's Chess Partner: Shes bold. Kudos for the Dresden variation, but I'm about take her queen.


 * Joan: Which one is the queen? This one?


 * Joan's Chess Partner: Oh yeah, you're psyching me out.


 * Joan: (makes a move) Can I do that?


 * Joan's Chess Partner: Wow. I should have seen that. I should have seen it. Crap. In six moves, by a girl.


 * Joan: (To the teacher who is looking shocked) What happened? Did I win?


 * Ms. Bloome: When I was 29 I was in a car accident and I died. And no, I don't remember a tunnel. I didn't see any dead loved ones, no angels. Nothing like that. It's just that when I woke up, everything was different. I was different. I asked the doctor, and he said this was not uncommon among near-death survivors. And then shortly after that, I began having dreams that came true. And weird visions. It was like I could hear peoples thoughts. I don't know the why of it, but I made the decisions that as long as I had this bizarre ability, I might as well use it to help people.


 * Will: And get paid for it. Help people for a price.


 * Ms. Bloome: Yeah, like you. Is it because of the tragedy? I mean that this makes you so angry and unwilling. You've had a tragedy.


 * Will: Who hasn't?


 * Helen: (To Charlotte) So, are you a detective?


 * Ms. Bloome: No. Actually I'm a psychic.


 * Helen: A psychic, that's interesting.


 * Ms. Bloome: Your daughter has a very special connection to the universe.


 * Joan: [Awkwardly] No I don't.


 * Luke: No, it's true. She is from another planet.


 * [Ms Bloome walks over to Kevin and whispers something in his ear that leaves him shocked.]


 * Ms. Bloome: [To Helen] It was nice to meet you. You have a lovely family.


 * Helen: Nice to meet you.


 * Will: [To Kevin] What did she say to you?


 * Kevin: Nothing.

<hr width=50%/>
 * Helen: It's just... I was raised Catholic and I was taught that you don't ask God for specific things, but there is this one miracle that I would really, really like to have. Like something you see in a store and you can't stop thinking about it, and you start to believe that it already belongs to you, and it's just misplaced, but is it wrong? Can it actually do harm to pray for something you want?


 * Priest: I think prayer can never hurt. As long as you understand you might not recognize the answer right away. Most miracles occur in hindsight.


 * Helen: Why don't I ever feel better after I talk to you?


 * Priest: I don't know.

<hr width=50%/>
 * Joan: Because my life is completely unraveling. I'm up to my eyeballs in the drama of the high school mating ritual, and now, thanks to you, I've been mistaken as the school chess champion. How did this happen to me?


 * God: Which part?


 * Joan: How did I beat that kid at chess?


 * God: He was using logic. You weren't. It's impossible to guard against chaos. It's rare, but it happens. Black's move.


 * Joan: I don't want to... I don't know how to play this game.


 * God: And yet you play the game.


 * Joan: Because I'm forced to.


 * God: Forced to? Your friends make a suggestion, which you follow up on, and then you're surprised at the outcome? It's a causal universe. Move.


 * Joan: Wait a minute, I'm being punished because I made a tiny little effort to fit in?


 * God: It's not about punishment. It's that actions have consequences, and to be in denial of that is to be disengaged from the laws of the universe, which renders you powerless and vulnerable to an inordinate amount of pain. Other than that, it's no big deal... move.... (She touches one of the pieces and then changes her mind)No....


 * Joan: No?


 * God: It's a rule called "touch move." Once you touch a piece, you have to move that piece.


 * Joan: I'm not allowed to change my mind? What kind of universe is that?


 * God: Oh, you can change your mind, but you still have to play that piece. So you should think before you move.


 * Joan: Wait a minute, this is a metaphor... Yeah, I looked up "metaphor" and that's definitely an example... Yep... took the bait. So now I'm in the game. How do I get out?


 * God: There are many ways to get out; surrender is one, losing is another. Winning, cheating, which I don't recommend, but you have to do something. You have to have a strategy. See the number one rule in chess is this; whatever you do, don't play the other person's game. Play your own... Your move.

<hr width=50%/>
 * Kevin: Joan, can I borrow your hair dryer so I can look extra handsome for my job interview at Wiener World? Joan?


 * Joan: [Springing up from under her blanket] WHAT?


 * Kevin: [Jumps] Don't scare the cripple, my fight or flight impulse is very confused. What were you doing?

<hr width=50%/>
 * Kevin: So, I was in the "in" crowd. I just got to see the jerks closer up. Why do you think I spent so much time playing sports? I didn't like that social thing so much. People were mean, it was boring. I wanted to play my own game.


 * Joan: Oh my god! Somebody just said that to me yesterday. About chess.


 * Kevin: Well, it's the basic rule of any sport. Otherwise you're always on the defensive posture, always reacting to the other guy.


 * Joan: You really weren't happy in high school? You really felt like a reject sometimes?


 * Kevin: Everybody does. Even the ones who claim they don't. You-- you are going to find some people who totally get what a non-repulsive, sub-defective you are. Trust in yourself a little bit, you'll figure it out. And if you need me to roll over anyone, let me know.


 * Joan: Sub-defective.

<hr width=50%/>
 * Girl 2: Back off, Pin Head.


 * Luke: That's Mister Pin Head to you.


 * Joan: You know what? I don't care about Dax Hibbing or Lynnie Charmichael, or my social resumé, or who's gay or who's not. I can't spend my time on this planet worrying about that stuff. There's other things to do.


 * Girl 1: Like what? Chemistry and chess?


 * Joan: Yeah, Like that. Now those guys might be nerds but at least they know what they're here for.


 * Luke: [After the girls walk away] You called me a nerd.


 * Joan: It was a metaphor.

<hr width=50%/>
 * Joan: Can I interrupt this moment of family tension to say that I will not be representing the school in the chess tournament.


 * Luke: Was that ever a possibility?


 * Joan: There was a brief moment of insanity.


 * Helen: Joan, that is such an honor. Why would you turn that down?


 * Joan: Because I don't know how to play chess. I keep telling everybody that but no one believes it.


 * Luke: I believe you.


 * Joan: Thank you. I don't understand it.


 * Luke: It's just strategy and a little bit of living in the future.


 * Will: Please, no more talk about the future.


 * Luke: That's how it works, Dad. I mean, you see four moves ahead, it's empirical. You see five moves ahead, it's still grounded in science. I mean, who knows where the demarcation is? Now, if you see twelve moves ahead, maybe you're crossing over into psychic phenomenon. And maybe that's what a psychic does. She just sees the board of life better then we do.


 * Will: There are a million people with white cars and dogs.


 * Kevin: [Interrupting to make a point] She said I'd dance at my wedding. That's what she told me. Then again, she said Joan has a special connection to the universe, so go figure.

Just Say No

 * God: You should be nicer to your mother.
 * Joan: She's against me having a life.
 * God: She's against you getting hurt. She knows something about that.
 * Joan: Is this about those paintings?
 * God: Where do you think that kind of thing comes from in a person?
 * Joan: A mood?
 * God: You have a mood, you eat french fries. But when you have pain, it takes a little more work to deal with it.
 * Joan: She had to have done this before she had Kevin...
 * God: Before your father, even.
 * Joan: What happened to her?
 * [God doesn't answer]
 * Joan: Is that why she's so weird about me dating?
 * [God doesn't answer]
 * Joan: How bad was it?
 * God: It was evil, and I don't throw that word around.

<hr width=50%/>
 * Will: I need you to tell her. I don't know why, but I really need it, Helen.  Maybe it's because I'm so afraid of her not knowing how close it is to her, all of the time.  Please do this for me.

<hr width=50%/>
 * [Helen enters Joan's room to talk about being raped]
 * Helen: I have something to tell you.
 * Joan: I know.

Bringeth It On

 * Joan: Well I can't do any stunts. No, No, and how about the jumps? So, so. So why am I here, well it's really odd, but I'm here to cheer on a mission from God. So put me in the game or leave me on the bench, so you can go to heaven and I'll get out of French.

<hr width=50%/>
 * Joan:
 * Go Eagles! Go Eagles!
 * Go, go, go Eagles!
 * We live to cheer,
 * we're so sincere,
 * unless you get in trouble,
 * then we're out of here.
 * It's such a royal pain
 * when friend gets arrested.
 * How could I have known?
 * How could I have guessed it?
 * It's not like she's my sister,
 * (Whoops, is that my beeper)
 * and even if she was,
 * am I my sister's keeper?
 * Sorry, got to go
 * tryouts are today
 * Tell them that we'll think of her
 * Every time that we say
 * Go Eagles! Go Eagles!
 * Go, go, go Eagles!
 * My name is Joan,
 * this cheer is my own,
 * so kiss my feathers
 * 'cause this bird has flown

<hr width=50%/>
 * Luke: There's this moose. And the moose is telling this other moose that the other moose is really an elk and as such should be running with another herd.
 * Kevin: Uh huh?
 * Luke: OK? But the moose is basing his whole assessment on what appears to be questionable evidence.
 * Kevin: Like his horns are kinda small?
 * Luke: Actually, it's more of a behavioral observation. Like, say the moose in question was seen sniffing a flower, which according to the first moose is elk-like. But the second moose isn't so sure. I mean, he doesn't feel like an elk, he doesn't have elk thoughts. Does it make him an elk just because he likes this one flower?
 * Kevin: Did you want to try a science metaphor?
 * Luke: ...Does it mean I'm gay if I like a lesbian?
 * Kevin: Who have you been talking to?
 * Luke: I'd rather leave the moose out of it.
 * Kevin: Well, first of all, No. Liking a girl is liking a girl. And who says she's a lesbian?
 * Luke: That would be the moose again.
 * Kevin: Right, you know, usually this kinda thing you just know.
 * Luke: I know, but apparently there are all these indicators about me.
 * Kevin: Here's your only indicator. You ready? When you're alone, just kinda passing the time, what do you think about?
 * Luke: How to get past level five on Diablo. That kinda thing?
 * Kevin: No, I mean, OK, when you're in the shower?
 * Luke: OH! Right, well, sometimes I think about Condaleeza Rice. I mean, her influence is second only to Kissinger.
 * Kevin: :[Stares]
 * Luke: Um, and then there's Sigourney Weaver in Alien, Christina Ricci, Batgirl.
 * Kevin: Ok, stop. See, that's all you need to know.
 * Luke: So, I'm definitely a moose?
 * Kevin: Don't ever make me walk you through this again, OK?

<hr width=50%/>

Death Be Not Whatever

 * Mr. Price: Ahem. Pardon me, but the point of this afternoon is to pretend that you might one day make a valuable contribution to society. Perhaps you could play along. For example, Ms. Polk, you might want to look into journalism, which is a profession where they actually pay people to be cynical and disaffected.


 * Grace: Not since all the publications got consumed by media conglomerates who manipulate information and--


 * Mr. Price: Go. And what career would you like to explore, Mr. Rove?


 * Adam : I want to do something soulless and corporate, Mr. Price.


 * Mr. Price: Good choice.

<hr width=50%/>
 * Sylvia: Yeah, I need a baby-sitter. I need a cheap baby-sitter who's not a psycho.


 * Joan: I can do it. And I'm not a psycho.


 * Sylvia: Rocky, my kid, he's really a great kid. He mostly entertains himself. And you're really not a psycho?


 * Joan: No, I'm-- I'm totally normal. You can even ask my friend. [They both turn to look at Adam who is banging his head against the window.] Um, maybe you should just take my word for it.

<hr width=50%/>
 * Will: What you reading? [she shows him the book] Why?


 * Helen: Because for me, sometimes it's like Kevin died, and I need to deal with that.


 * Will: Helen--


 * Helen: I know. I'm the one who's always preaching gratitude and moving on, and I was clinging to that so hard, and then it-- it stopped working for me. I felt alone, and I, um... I talked to a priest. I didn't want to bother you.


 * Will: That was the deal we made a long time ago. You get to bother me. You don't have to do anything alone.


 * Helen: I'm sorry I lied to you about the priest. That's who I met on my lunch break.


 * Will: You come to me, not some stranger. Promise me.

The Devil Made Me Do It

 * Luke: You know, I'm not certain this magnet is powerful enough for my needs.


 * Kevin: Mm-hmm.


 * [He puts a little jar of paint in is pocket.]


 * Luke: See, 'cause what I want to do is make a rail gun that lessens the power requirements of the compulsator by increasing the magnetic field using ceramic magnets.


 * Kevin: Just give me the magnet!


 * [He puts the magnet and another jar of paint in his pocket.]


 * Luke: Oh. Well, Mr. Big bucks has a job and wants to show off. Thanks. What are you-- what are you doing?


 * Kevin: It's called the wheelchair discount.


 * [Kevin puts only 1 or 2 jars of paint on the counter. We know he has many more in his pockets.]


 * Clerk: Will that be all?


 * Kevin: Yeah.


 * Luke: Kev? What?


 * Kevin: Shut up.


 * Luke: Give me the magnet.


 * Kevin: Fine. Be jelly. I'm just trying to help you out here.


 * Luke: Be that as it may--


 * Kevin: [To the clerk] You want me to empty out my pockets or anything?


 * Clerk: No, it's ok.


 * Kevin: 'Cause sometimes my chair sets off the alarm.


 * Clerk: Uh, it won't be necessary. $3.87, please. See?


 * Kevin: [To Luke] It's like being invisible. Isn't that one of those geek powers you always used to wish for?


 * Luke: [To the clerk] Is this the strongest magnet you've got?


 * Clerk: Uh, yeah. $6.49.


 * Kevin: [To Luke] That's $6.49 you could have saved. [And he wheels out]


 * Luke: Keep the change.


 * Clerk: Out of a 20?


 * [Kevin rolls back up to the counter and puts the remaining paint jars on the counter and leaves.]


 * Luke: I'm sorry, um, I'll pay for these.


 * Clerk: Poor guy, right? I mean, he's got it tough. Poor bastard.


 * Luke: Ok. See, what you're doing right there, you might as well spit on him. It even makes me want to steal from you. I know you're trying to be a nice guy, here, but still, I'd like to smash your face.

<hr width=50%/>
 * Luke: [Knocking on the door frame] I brought you the stuff you needed.


 * Kevin: The stuff you bought for me, you mean? I don't need it. I'm getting rid of all my toys.


 * Luke: Well, scale models are not toys.


 * Kevin: It's time for me to grow up.


 * Luke: I wasn't aware that was something you could just decide.


 * Kevin: I was the perfect big brother. Come on, admit it. I'm stronger, faster, better-looking.


 * Luke: Well, not better-looking.


 * Kevin: It's a reality, kid. Face it. People were nice to you because you were Kevin Girardi's kid brother. Probably kept you from being beat up about a hundred times.


 * Luke: I do seem to attract threats of violence.


 * Kevin: Last night, the natural order was reversed. You were the Big Brother. You were smarter and stronger and tougher.


 * Luke: And better-looking?


 * Kevin: I'm the big brother in this family, in or out of the wheelchair, so get off of my cloud.


 * Luke: The cloud reference eludes me.


 * Kevin: Yesterday... that will not happen again.


 * Luke: Are you apologizing to me? No, no, of course not. Why--why would you? It's an explanation, and that's enough.


 * Kevin: If you can't get your money back, I'll reimburse you.


 * Luke: Well, that's ok. Of course. Yes, I can use the money. And you're fully capable.


 * Kevin: You're going to be proud of me again.

St. Joan

 * Book store owner: Joan, I have a Master's degree in English Literature. I could've done a number of things with my life.
 * [Joan gives him a look]
 * Book store owner: At least three things, and I chose to open a bookstore because I believe in the power of knowledge which comes from books.

<hr width=50%/>
 * Painter God: Here's the thing you need to learn from the martyrs, Joan: they did it the hard way.

<hr width=50%/>
 * Kevin: For God's sake, I can't stand it. Can we - can we please just talk about the gigantic stain on the carpet?  We've been dancing around it for almost two years now, and it's making me crazy and maybe it's why I'm pissed off all the time.  'Cause no one will say it out loud, so I have to.  The accident: it was my fault.  This is my fault.  The guys and I were out partying after the game.  My friend Andy was wasted.  I tried to take his keys.  He got pissed off.  I was afraid of not being cool so I went for the ride.  I went for the ride.  So, here we all are.  I did this.  I did do it.  The Universe didn't conspire; the planets didn't align against me.  Can somebody just please say it out loud?  I did this!

Drive, He Said

 * [Kevin is waiting for the bathroom]
 * Kevin: Ok, Joan, here's the thing: it's the face you were born with - there's only so much you can do.

<hr width=50%/>
 * Helen: First of all, Eminem's birthday does not count as a religious holiday, and second, his birthday was October 17th.

<hr width=50%/>
 * Joan: Adam!
 * [Adam turns around and walks away]
 * Joan: [Sigh] He's never going to forgive me.
 * Grace: The dude has a photographic memory. Everytime he thinks he might forgive you, the image of you smashing his artwork just pops into his head.  Not that I've discussed it with him.

<hr width=50%/>
 * Man with gun: Thirteen bucks?
 * Will: I've got a wife and kids.
 * Man with gun: Oh, that changes everything, wife and kids. There's a free pass for that one.
 * Will: I'm not begging for mercy, I'm explaining why I only have thirteen bucks in my wallet.

<hr width=50%/>
 * Joan: I don't want to drive. Why are you making me?
 * God: Most young people want to drive. Why are you so hesitant?
 * Joan: Well you know everything. Why don't you tell me?
 * God: Perhaps your mother is correct. You're afraid of hurting yourself and ending up like Kevin.
 * Joan: Yeah, maybe she's right.
 * God: Balderdash! You've always been a headstrong, brave child not overly concerned with your own well-being - a trait you inherited from your father.  What you fear is hurting someone else.  You fear that one instance of bad judgement might entail consequences.  Consequences like those...
 * Joan: Like Kevin? That's... that's why I don't want to drive.  I mean, isn't that... isn't that a pretty good reason?
 * God: Being an adult isn't merely about risking your own well-being, it means risking others' - in cars, in love, in family - hurting others is always a possibility. That's what's difficult about being an adult: facing the harsh fact that you may hurt others even when you don't want to.
 * Joan: Then it's a flaw in the design, and who's fault is that?
 * God: It might help if you think of the Universe as an obstacle course. There's no flaw in the design, it's just -
 * Joan: Obstacles?
 * God: Time's up.

<hr width=50%/>
 * Joan: I have to wash my hair!
 * Plumber/God: Well I'm God, my needs come first.

<hr width=50%/>
 * Friedman: Why are you talking so fast?
 * Luke: [caffeine buzzed] Why are you listening so fast?

<hr width=50%/> [Rebecca Askew, a reporter at the newspaper where Kevin works, has written an unfavourable article about Will]
 * Rebecca Askew: How was breakfast this morning?
 * Kevin: Tasty.
 * Rebecca Askew: I meant with your father.
 * Kevin: Testy.

<hr width=50%/>
 * Luke: [to Friedman; caffeine buzzed] And you should hear what I'm not telling you, OK, so shut up!

<hr width=50%/>
 * Joan: When... when do you plan on having sex?
 * Luke: Oh, at my first opportunity.

<hr width=50%/>
 * Joan: What are you? Some kind of Peeping Tom?
 * Luke: It's not my fault I have a... naturally quiet tread.

<hr width=50%/>
 * Kevin: And then I woke up in the hospital, I saw Dad's face, and I wondered..."Why does Mom think this man is so good-looking?"

<hr width=50%/>
 * Joan: I'm not... pregnant.
 * Luke: Then why was there a pregnancy kit in the bathroom? Because *I'm* not pregnant and I'm pretty sure Kevin's not pregnant, which leaves...
 * Joan: Mom.
 * Luke: Okay, I'm an expert on probability, and given factors such as Mom's and Dad's ages, birth control, and the average frequency of sex after twenty-three...
 * Joan: [covering ears] Ewwwww!

The Uncertainty Principle

 * Luke: So I asked Grace to do this thing with me, and, at the time, she said "yes". Sort of.  But...
 * Joan: Wait, Grace Polk said yes to you?
 * Luke: It was somewhat contingent, but, essentially, yeah.
 * Joan: Huh, you're so gonna get it.
 * Luke: But see, I don't know if she actually remembers me asking, so do I - do I have to do the full reapproach, or...?
 * Joan: What is she going to wear, because they don't make gowns out of fatigues.
 * Luke: What are we talking about?
 * Joan: You asked Grace Polk to the semi-formal.
 * Luke: I asked her to be my partner in the science fair.
 * Joan: Wow. Science really is like sex to you.

State of Grace

 * Grace: Y'know, this whole debate is a joke.
 * Friedman: I have a very strong rebuttal.
 * Grace: Like it matters? No matter what happens in this debate, those metal detectors will still be there.  They will still stop us and search us.
 * Mr. Price: I would like you to leave, Miss Polk.
 * Grace: Oh, gee, remember free speech, Mr. Price?
 * Mr. Enfield: Remember decorum? Manners?  Civility?
 * Grace: Yeah, all the things that used to keep us down? Well guess what, today is about freedom.
 * Joan: You call what you are doing right now free speech?
 * Mr. Enfield: You're not debating this young woman, Miss Girardi. I suggest you not deviate from the rules.
 * Friedman: [In undertone to Glynis] We're so gonna win this debate.
 * Grace: That's right, Girardi. Party line - that's what it's about.
 * Mr. Price: Alright, out!
 * Joan: And what's it about for you, Grace? Your idea of freedom is a world where everyone agrees with you?
 * Grace: You believe in this crap?
 * Joan: I don't know what I believe. I know Ramsey came in here with a gun.  I know people could have died - you, me.  You said I think like this because my father's a cop?  Like that's bad?  Yeah, my dad is a cop and you may think that makes him some kind of bigot, but he deals with those guns every day.  This is not some political thing for him, this is reality.  He's had them pointed at him and shoved in his face and that makes it real for me too, because every time I hear that the cops are in someplace and shots are fired, I wonder if I'm ever going to see my father again.  I don't think we should have to, like, live in some prison - that sucks - but I do know we have to deal with this.  We have to work something out.  Even if it's not what we sort of believe in in the first place.  I know I'm mouthing off, Mr Enfield, and I can't cite some report to back up my theories.  I - this is just how I feel.

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 * Security Officer God: Do you know what grace is, Joan?
 * Joan: Yeah, pissed off.
 * Security Officer God: Do you know the meaning of grace? It's a touch of truth that let's you see the world in a new way.  It's a gift that can only be felt when you are open enough to accept it.

Night without Stars

 * [After Will and Helen kiss]
 * Joan: I thought we established the Kitchen as a no PDA zone.

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 * Joan: Do you even listen to music?
 * Grace: Nothing legal.

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 * Joan: It's just that, I like Adam.
 * Helen: I know, honey.
 * Joan: Mom, please. I know you think I'm dating him but I'm not.  I mean, we kissed once (and, please, never repeat that to me or anyone else because I'm already grossed out I told you,) but it was just a kiss.  You know, just a one-time kiss.
 * Helen: Okay.
 * Joan: It doesn't mean we're dating, does it?
 * Helen: Well -
 * Joan: Right, I know, of course not. It's just I think Adam thought that it did and he was kinda ... y'know, about it.  And I - I - I was sort of ... y'know, too.
 * Helen: Oh...
 * Joan: And now he likes someone else - this, Iris (huh) - and I don't know what he sees in her. I mean, she's all... y'know.  I want him to be happy; I'm not one of those people who gets all perky when someone else is miserable (maybe I am), but - but I do think Adam should be happy.  Just not before I'm happy.  I mean, he can be happy with someone else after I'm happy with someone else.  (Does that make me a total maggot?  Whatever.)  The real question is: should I try to get him back?  I mean, what if he falls in love with her and I realize that I do like him and it's too late but if I break them up and get him back but realize that I really don't want to be with him then he's going to hate me again, which I could not stand because I really like him.  [Sighs]  There's just no good answer here.
 * Helen: Honey, you are dealing with a lot of emotions.
 * Joan: Mom, I can't have this conversation right now, okay?

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 * Kevin: Maybe if learned how to shoot some hoops, we could turn you into a real man - put a smile on your face.
 * [Kevin punches Luke in the arm, playfully]
 * Luke: God, why don't you just cut out the cocky athletic crap, Kevin. You're not that guy anymore and never will be again.  [Pause]  I'm - I'm sorry.
 * Kevin: What's your problem? The more things that go my way, the more pissed off you get.  What's that about?
 * Luke: I said, "I'm sorry," okay? It won't happen again.
 * Kevin: Yes it will. What do you and your science friends call that - Law of Inertia?  What is it?
 * [Kevin punches Luke again]
 * Kevin: What's the problem, Luke?
 * Luke: THAT! Right there.  Do you have any idea how much I hated you for shoving me and hitting me and making fun of me all the time?  And no one would say anything about it because you were the big star and I was just a geek.  You know, after your accident, when I heard you'd never walk again, I was happy.

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 * [Kids Joan is supervising are beating a Piniata and Iris walks in]
 * Iris: Stop! Stop it!
 * Joan: Don't be such a drag, we're just having a little fun.
 * Iris: Fun? Swinging around a stick and beating things?  My father thought it was fun too, just a little fun.  Beating us with a stick, just like this.  First my mother and then....  Why would you do this?

Double Dutch

 * God: You can't fix everything, Joan.
 * Joan: She's my friend. I want to know what's gonna happen to her.
 * God: I know you do. But sometimes it's enough to plant the seed, walk away, and let the flower grow on its own.

Only Connect

 * Joan: I just want to be a normal couple again. Do you remember normal?
 * Adam: Not really.

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 * Cute Boy God: Crazy is destructive. It tears down. I'm all about building up.
 * Joan: Then I suggest you take up carpentry.

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 * Will: What's wrong?
 * Helen: Nothing! I'm seeing a nun and a priest!

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 * Helen: Luke, one breakdown a year is all we can handle. You'll have to wait.

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 * God: It's a creation, Joan. It's not a destruction. And that's what I want you to do. I want you to be creative. I want you to build things.
 * Joan: I build lamps!

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 * Joan: You stole that!
 * God: Well, technically, everything's mine.

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 * Joan: You hurt me. Really bad. Why should I trust you again?
 * God: Why did you ever?
 * Joan: Look, we had some good times. And I'm fine with you being, you know, the divine "it." But I don't want to see you anymore. It's not you. It's me. I--I'm just-- I'm not the girl for you. I--I had... a taste of normal, and...I really liked it, you know? I really enjoyed being optimistic and... making my lamps.
 * God: Don't you miss me a little?
 * Joan: No... Please go.
 * God: Do you miss yourself? Because I do.

Wealth of Nations

 * Adam: [incredulously] You stole from the homeless?
 * Joan: Yes, I am a horrible human being.
 * Adam: Yeah... Huh.
 * Joan: Well, you weren't supposed to say that.

No Future

 * [after going into a shop with a sign saying "Madame Marie: Fortunes Told"]
 * Joan: Hi, how much of my future can I get for five dollars?

The Book of Questions

 * Girl God: And that's what religions are - different ways to share the same truth.<
 * Joan: And the truth is...?
 * [God leaves]

Romancing the Joan

 * God as a six-year-old girl: Love is big. It's a bright light in the universe, and a bright light casts a big shadow.

Something Wicked This Way Comes

 * Joan: Just explain the electromagnetic spectrum to me.
 * Luke: Nope.
 * Joan: Luke, it's not for school. It's personal.
 * Luke: [staring at Joan; pencil falls from his teeth] You have personal issues with the electromagnetic spectrum?