Joe Dirt

Joe Dirt is a 2001 cult film starring David Spade, Dennis Miller, Christopher Walken, Brittany Daniel, Jaime Pressly, Erik Per Sullivan and Kid Rock. The film revolves around white trash heavy-metal fan Joe Dirt (Spade) who is discovered by disc jockey Zander Kelly (Miller) at the radio-station where he works as a janitor, and is encouraged to recount his life-story. This involves being abandoned by his parents at the Grand Canyon when he was 8, and having searched for them ever since.


 * Written by David Spade and Fred Wolf. Directed by Dennie Gordon.

Keep on Moppin' in the Free world.

Joe Dirt

 * Things are gonna happen for me. I'm Joe Dirt!
 * I'm a rocker, dude, through and through. Here's my favorite bands: AC/DC, Van Halen, not Van Hagar, Skynyrd, Def Lep...
 * Life's a garden. Dig it!
 * I'm new in town, kinda lonely, lookin' for my parents
 * You, you like to see homos naked?
 * It puts the Joe Dirt in the hole.
 * Say it, don't spray it brother. Dang!
 * Ya gotta keep on, keepin' on.
 * Right on! You're Joe Meteorite and I'm Joe Dirt.
 * [puts up fists] You guys got somethin' to say to me? Why don't you say it in the microphone. I got a backup mic right here. Check one two, testing, testing. Yup, they both working and guess what? They don't like no feedback, what's up?
 * [Trying to scrape Charlie the dog's testicles off the frozen porch] Now, this ain't no flapjack. I'll go real easy. I won't look.
 * My name is Joe Dirté. I added an e to the end, 'cause it sounds cool.
 * [Joe falls off a swing] And at that moment I thought I might just lie there and never get up. I would just sit there and rot there, but then I looked up and saw the moon and got this weird feeling that Brandy was looking up at that same moon. Then I realized I had a home all along, in Silvertown.
 * There are three rules when dealing with a deadly crocodile. Rule number one, I'm number one. Rule number two, the croc's number two.
 * [To himself] YOU JUST SAID YOUR SISTER WAS HOT. WHAT A FREAK. You're goin' to Hell, man, but it was worth it.
 * That shit'll buff out.
 * Luckily, my neck broke my fall.
 * You wanna fight? Why don't you stick your head up my butt and fight for air?
 * Why don't you go practice fallin' down, I'll be there in a minute.
 * I thought I had broken my ass bone!
 * [while on air balloon] I can see down your shirt!
 * I got the poo on me!!
 * I'm putting the lotion on the skin!
 * My face and your ass... I mean your ass and my face.
 * You're gonna stand there, owning a fireworks stand, and tell me you don't have no whistling bungholes, no spleen spliters, whisker biscuits, honkey lighters, hoosker doos, hoosker donts, cherry bombs, nipsy daisers, with or without the scooter stick, or one single whistling kitty chaser?
 * I don't care about this, and I don't care about these! And I'll never gonna see you again in the next twenty-five years!

Zander Kelly

 * Now, you're telling me you were so ingrained with white trash DNA, your facial hair actually grows in on its own all white trashy like that?
 * What's the story here? I'm a white trash idiot - the end.
 * God Almighty, manna from inbred heaven. Hey freak boy: 1976 called, it wants its hairstyle back.
 * Why have you got a wig? You doing stunt work for Billy Ray Cyrus?
 * Don't you get it? Stinky stuff is your milieu. Okay? This is your deal. You are an underachievement nexus of the universe.

Buffalo Bob

 * It does what it's told.
 * It puts the lotion on its skin! You have no idea what kind of hell I can bring you!
 * oh for christ sakes, HERE! [sends AutoTrader down well]
 * IT RUBS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN.

Other

 * Railroad Boy #1: Oh - it's so flat!
 * Clem: [talking to fire extinguisher] You're talking to me all wrong... It's the wrong tone. You do it again and I'll stab you in the face with a soldering iron. Hey, tell me, does your mother sew? BOOM. Get her to sew that!

Dialogue

 * Joe Dirt: If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
 * Jill: Sure would. Do you want to go back to my place?
 * Joe Dirt: Sure do.


 * Robby: Did I get ya, Dirt?
 * Joe Dirt: Nah, I'm cool.
 * Robby: No you're not.


 * Kickin’ Wing: You want me to put my ear to the ground and listen for hoof beats, check for footprints, look for broken twigs? This is the modern era.  That stuff doesn't work anymore.


 * Kickin’ Wing: The label looks very stern.


 * Joe Dirt: So you're gonna tell me that you don't have no black cats, roman candles, or screaming mimis?
 * Kickin’ Wing: No.
 * Joe Dirt: Oh come on, man. You don't got no lady fingers, fuzz buttles, snicker bombs, church burners, finger blasters, gut busters, zippity do das, or crap flappers?
 * Kickin’ Wing: No, I don't.
 * Joe Dirt: You're gonna stand there, owning a fireworks stand, and tell me you don't have no whistling bungholes, no spleen splitters, whisker biscuits, honkey lighters, hüsker düs, hüsker don'ts, cherry bombs, nipsy daisers, with or without the scooter stick, or one single whistling kitty chaser?
 * Kickin’ Wing: No... because snakes and sparklers are the only ones I like.
 * Joe Dirt: Well that might be your problem. It's not what you like, it's the consumer.




 * Joe Dirt: [Narrating] I checked my list of Rambler Wagons, and there it was: Nunamaker. Baton Rouge, Louisiana. I was finally home.
 * Joe Dirt: [Joe comes up to his childhood house only to find it's been condemned] Sir? Hey mister! You know the people who live here, Nunamaker?
 * Farmer Fran: [In a thick Cajun accent] They move.
 * Joe Dirt: W-what's that?
 * Farmer Fran: Move! They move! 'bout... 15 year ago. Had a lil' boy. Had same kinda haircut you got now. [laughs] God da', you outta date, boy.
 * Joe Dirt: Yeah, man, that little boy, that's me. My parents were-this was my home. I though this was it this time.
 * Farmer Fran: Nah, home is where you make it.
 * Joe Dirt: Ya like to see homos naked?
 * Farmer Fran: [repeats phrase, this time with a firmer tone of voice] Home is where you make it.
 * Joe Dirt: You like to see homos naked. That's cool, man. Whatever.
 * Farmer Fran: No no no no. Home is where you make it. Home, where you make it.
 * Joe Dirt: Oh.
 * Farmer Fran: Ev'body know dat. Goddamn, boy.
 * [he walks away]
 * Joe Dirt: Guy likes to see homos naked, that doesn't help me.


 * Joe Dirt: Well today I'm gonna be picking up my Hemi Roadrunner. That's right, I said Hemi.
 * Jill: Wow. A Hemi. Balls to the Wall.
 * Joe Dirt: Yep, left it at a friend’s house.
 * [under his breath]
 * Joe Dirt: Actually it got towed away two years ago.
 * [loud again]
 * Joe Dirt: But I'm picking it up this afternoon. I might need a pretty little lady to sit in the front seat while I break her in. The car I mean. So what do you say?
 * Jill: That's a big ten-four.


 * [the dog starts humping Little Joe's leg]
 * Little Joe Dirt: Can I push him off of me?
 * Miss Clipper: He'll stop humping as soon as he's done.


 * Bullying Man #2: [throws Joe an apple core after he farts on it] I got a fart. You want that?
 * Joe Dirt: Maybe if it came out of Charlene Tilton's ass I'd take a bite.
 * Bullying Man #2: You probably liked J.R., you queer. I saw your bumper sticker: "cowboys' butts drive me nuts."
 * Joe Dirt: [sticks his fists up] This queer? Is this queer?


 * Joe Dirt: Well, I see you got those snakes and sparklers. But where's the good stuff man?
 * Kickin’ Wing: Good stuff? This is the good stuff, snakes and sparklers.
 * Joe Dirt: Are you nuts, dude? You need stuff that'll explode. Go boom!
 * Kickin’ Wing: Why is that good?
 * Joe Dirt: Well, duh, might as, might as well ask why is a tree good? Why is the sunset good? Why are boobs good? Man, firecrackers, ya stick 'em in mailboxes, you drop 'em in toilets, shove 'em up bullfrogs’ asses.
 * Kickin’ Wing: I would never do that, because one day I'm going to open an animal hospital.
 * Joe Dirt: There you go. Someone shoves an M-80 up a bullfrog's butt, blows him to pieces...he comes back to you to fix it. You win twice, brother. It's good biz.


 * Joe Dirt: Is this where you wanna be when Jesus comes back; making fun of poor Joe Dirt?
 * Zander Kelly: Probably, because I'm sure that Yahweh would be chiming in too.