John Wilmot, 2nd Earl of Rochester

John Wilmot, 2nd Earl of Rochester (1 April 1647 – 26 July 1680) was an English nobleman, a friend of King Charles II of England, and the writer of much satirical and bawdy poetry.

Quotes
Whose word no man relies on; He never says a foolish thing, Nor ever does a wise one.'''
 * '''Here lies our sovereign lord the king,
 * Written on the Bedchamber Door of Charles II, as quoted in The Book of Days : A Miscellany of Popular Antiquities (1832) by Robert Chambers, Vol. II, "July 26", p. 126


 * Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.
 * As quoted in The New Speaker's Treasury of Wit and Wisdom (1958) by Herbert Victor Prochnow

A Letter from Artemisia in Town to Chloe in the Country (1679)

 * As published in The Works of the Poets of Great Britain and Ireland (1800) by Samuel Johnson, p. 9

The softest refuge innocence can find
 * Love, the most generous passion of the mind

From pedagogue and mother just fit free, The heir and hopes of a great famiiy; Who with strong beer and beef the country rules, And ever since the Conquest have been fools; And now, with careful prospect to maintain This character, lest crossing of the strain Should mend the booby breed, his friends provide A cousin of his own to be his bride...
 * When my young master's worship comes to town,

A Satire Against Mankind (1679)
One of those strange, prodigious Creatures Man, A Spirit free, to choose for my own Share, What sort of Flesh and Blood I pleas'd to wear, I'd be a Dog, a Monkey, or a Bear, Or any thing, but that vain Animal, Who is so proud of being Rational.
 * Were I, who to my Cost already am
 * ll. 1-7

Which leaves the light of Nature, Sense, behind.
 * Reason, an Ignis fatuus of the Mind,
 * ll. 12-13

Mountains of Whimsies, heapt in his own Brain, Stumbling from Thought to Thought, falls headlong down Into Doubt's boundless Sea, where like to drown, Books bear him up a-while, and make him try To swim with Bladders of Philosophy.
 * Whilst the misguided Follower climbs with Pain,
 * ll. 16–21

Lead him to death, and make him understand, After a Search so painful, and so long, That all his Life he has been in the wrong.
 * Then Old Age, and Experience, hand in hand,
 * ll. 25-29

First they're enjoy'd, and then kickt out of Doors.
 * For Wits are treated just like Common Whores;
 * ll. 38-39

And Honesty's against all common Sense.
 * For all Men would be Cowards if they durst:
 * ll. 158-159

The Difference lies, as far as I can see, Not in the thing it self, but the Degree.
 * Most Men are Cowards, all Men should be Knaves.
 * ll. 169-171

Who, Preaching Peace, does practice Continence; Whose pious life's a proof he does believe, Mysterious Truths, which no Man can conceive. If upon Earth there dwell such God-like Men, I'll here Recant my Paradox to them; Adore those Shrines of Virtue, homage pay, And, with the rabble world, their Laws obey. If such there are, yet grant me This at least, Man differs more from Man, than Man from Beast.
 * But a meek humble Man of modest Sense,
 * ll. 212-221

Other

 * If you have a grateful heart (which is a miracle amongst you statesmen), show it by directing the bearer to the best wine in town, and pray let not this highest point of sacred friendship be performed slightly, but go about it with all due deliberation and care, as holy priests to sacrifice, or as discreet thieves to the wary performance of burglary and shop-lifting. Let your well-discerning palate (the best judge about you) travel from cellar to cellar and then from piece to piece till it has lighted on wine fit for its noble choice and my approbation.
 * Letter to the diplomat Henry Savile (1673-1674)

Whose lord, oppressed with pride and poverty, (That to the few great bounty he may show) Is fain to starve the numerous train below.
 * The world appears like a great family,
 * Like a Great Family


 * Dead we become the lumber of the world.
 * After Death

To lend, or to spend, or to give in; But to beg or to borrow, or to get a man's own, It is the very worst world that ever was known.
 * It is a good world to live in,
 * Epigram, sometimes attributed to John Bromfield

And must conclude my judgment good, or none: For could my sense be naught, how should I know Whether another man's were good or no?''' Thus I resolve of my own poetry, That 'tis the best; and there's a fame for me. If then I'm happy, what does it advance, Whether to merit due, or arrogance? Oh, but the world will take offence hereby! Why then the world shall suffer for 't, not I. Did eer this saucy world and I agree, To let it have its beastly will on me? Why should my prostituted sense be drawn To every rule their musty customs spawn? But men may censure you; 'tis two to one, Whene'er they censure, they'll be in the wrong. '''There's not a thing on Earth, that I can name, So foolish, and so false, as common fame.''' It calls the courtier knave, the plain man rude, Haughty the grave, and the delightful lewd, Impertinent the brisk, morose the sad, Mean the familiar, the reserv'd-one mad. Poor helpless woman is not favour'd more, She's a sly hypocrite, or public whore. Then who the Devil would give this — to be free From th' innocent reproach of infamy These things consider'd, make me (in despite Of idle rumour) keep at home and write.
 * '''Born to myself, I like myself alone,
 * Did e'er this Saucy World


 * A merry monarch, scandalous and poor.
 * On the King

The best good man with the worst-natured muse.
 * For pointed satire I would Buckhurst choose,
 * An allusion to Horace, Satire x. Book i; compare: "Thou best-humour'd man with the worst-humour'd muse!", Oliver Goldsmith, Retaliation, Postscript

She 's my delight, all mankind's wonder; But my jealous heart would break Should we live one day asunder.
 * Angels listen when she speaks:
 * Song

False Hearts, and broken Vows; If I, by Miracle, can be This live-long Minute true to thee, 'Tis all that Heav'n allows.
 * Then talk not of Inconstancy,
 * Love and Life, ll. 11-15

And I'm by Pox and Wine's unlucky chance Driv'n from the pleasing Billows of debauch On the dull Shore of lazy Temperance; My Pains at least some Respite shall afford While I behold the Battles you maintain When Fleets of Glasses sail about the Board, From whose Broad-sides Volleys of Wit shall rain.
 * So, when my Days of Impotence approach,
 * The Maim'd Debauchee, ll. 13–20

And, safe from Danger, valiantly advise; Sheltered in Impotence, urge you to Blows, And, being good for nothing else, be Wise.
 * Thus, Statesman-like, I'll saucily impose,
 * The Maim'd Debauchee, ll. 41–44

To every grain affords a birth: On her no showers unwelcome fall, Her willing womb retains 'em all, And shall my Caelia be confined? No, live up to thy mighty mind, And be the mistress of Mankind!
 * See the kind seed-receiving earth
 * Upon Leaving His Mistress, ll. 15-21

I fall on some base heart unblest, Faithless to thee, false, unforgiven, And lose my everlasting rest.
 * Lest, once more wandering from that heaven,
 * Absent from thee, I languish still, ll. 13-16

Which like barren furrows lie, Brooding kisses I will pour, Shall thy youthful heart restore. (Such kind showers in autumn fall, And a second spring recall); Nor from thee will ever part, Ancient Person of my Heart.
 * On thy wither'd lips and dry,
 * A Song of a Young Lady to Her Ancient Lover, ll. 7-14

Henceforth every night to sit With my lewd, well-natured friend, Drinking to engender wit.
 * Farewell, woman! I intend
 * Love a woman! Y’are an ass, ll. 9–12

I filled with love, and she all over charms; Both equally inspired with eager fire, Melting through kindness, flaming in desire. With arms, legs, lips close clinging to embrace.
 * Naked she lay, clasped in my longing arms,
 * The Imperfect Enjoyment (published 1680)

False to my passion, fatal to my fame, Through what mistaken magic dost thou prove So true to lewdness, so untrue to love?
 * Thou treacherous, base deserter of my flame,
 * The Imperfect Enjoyment

When absent from her eyes, That feed my love, which is my soul: It languishes and dies.
 * But oh, how slowly minutes roll
 * The Mistress: A Song, ll. 5–8

Is the best can be said for a very good wife.
 * The clog of all pleasure, the luggage of life,
 * On a Wife

Enquire, define, distinguish, teach, devise, Didst thou not stand to point their dull Philosophies? Is, or is not, the Two great Ends of Fate, And, true or false, the Subject of Debate, That perfect, or destroy, the vast Designs of Fate.
 * Great Negative, how vainly would the Wise
 * Upon Nothing, ll. 28–33

Nor must that man, who would reclaim a Lion, Take him by the teeth.
 * The Elephant is never won with Anger,
 * Valentinian (1685), Act I, Scene III
 * Valentinian was Rochester's adaptation of a play (ca. 1610-1614) by John Fletcher

Whose word no man relies on; He never said a foolish thing, Nor ever did a wise one.
 * We have a pretty witty king,
 * About King Charles II of England, as quoted in Blackwood's Edinburgh Magazine Vol. XLIV (January - June 1857) p. 592; It is said to that this was written on the door of Charles II's bedchamber, and that on seeing it, the king replied, “This is very true: for my words are my own, and my actions are my ministers’...."