Juno (film)

Juno is a 2007 American comedy film about a sharp-tongued teen living in a Twin Cities, Minnesota suburb confronting an unplanned pregnancy.
 * Directed by Jason Reitman. Written by Diablo Cody.

A comedy about growing up...and the bumps along the way.

Dialogue

 * Rollo: Well, well... If it isn't MacGuff the crime dog! Back for another test?
 * Juno: I think the last one was defective. The plus sign looked more like a division sign, so I remain unconvinced.
 * [Rollo pulls the bathroom key out of reach]
 * Rollo: Third test today, Mama Bear. Your eggo is preggo, no doubt about it.
 * Tough Girl: [to Juno] It's really easy to tell. Is your nipples real brown?
 * Rollo: Yeah. Maybe your little boyfriend's got mutant sperms. Knocked ya up twice.
 * Juno: Silencio, old man! Look, I just drank my weight in Sunny-D and I gotta go, pronto!
 * Rollo: Well, you know where the lavatory is.
 * [Juno heads towards the bathroom]
 * Rollo: [yells] You pay for that pee stick when you're done! Don't think it's yours just cuz ya marked it with your urine!
 * Rollo: Well, fertile Myrtle, what's the prognosis? Minus or plus?
 * Juno: [taking a pregnancy test] I don't know. It's not seasoned yet. [grabs some candy] I'll take some of these. Nope... There it is. The little pink plus sign is so unholy.
 * Rollo: [as Juno shakes the test like a thermometer] That ain't no Etch-a-Sketch. This is one doodle that can't be un-did, homeskillet.
 * Rollo: [as Juno shakes the test like a thermometer] That ain't no Etch-a-Sketch. This is one doodle that can't be un-did, homeskillet.


 * Leah: [on the phone] Yo, yo, yiggity yo.
 * Juno: I'm a suicide risk.
 * Leah: Juno?
 * Juno: [sarcastically] No, it's Morgan Freeman. Do you have any bones that need collecting?
 * Leah: Only the one in my pants!


 * Receptionist: Welcome to Women Now, where women are trusted friends. Please put your hands where I can see them and surrender any bombs.
 * Juno: Hey, I'm here for the big show?
 * Receptionist: Your name, please.
 * Juno: Juno MacGuff.
 * [The receptionist gives her a look]
 * Juno: [Voiceover: She thinks I'm using a fake name like Gene Simmons or Mother Teresa]
 * Receptionist: I need you to fill these out, both sides. And don't skip the hairy details. We need to know about every score and every sore. Would you like a free condom? They're boysenberry.
 * Juno: No, thank you. I'm off sex.
 * Receptionist: My boyfriend uses them every time we have intercourse. They make his junk smell like pie.
 * Juno: ... [awkwardly walks away]


 * Leah: Dude, what are you doing here!? I'm supposed to come get you at 4.
 * Juno: [pacing] I couldn't do it, Leah! It smelled like a dentist office in there, and there were these horrible magazines with water stains. And then the friggin' receptionist is trying to give me these condoms that look like grape suckers, and just babbling away about her friggin' boyfriend's pie balls.
 * Leah: Yum!
 * Juno: And Su-Chin was there, and she was like, "Oh hi! Babies have fingernails." Fingernails!
 * Leah: That's gruesome. You think the baby can scratch your vag on the way out?


 * Juno: So, I'm not really sure how I'm gonna spit this out...
 * Bren: Hon, did you get expelled?
 * Juno: No. The school would most likely contact you in the event of my expulsion.
 * Bren: Well, I was just asking; it seemed plausible enough, given your record of generally being the worst human in existence.
 * Mac: What do you need, a large amount of money? Legal council? Need to pay off a Mexican drug lord?
 * Juno: No, I'm not asking for anything... except for maybe mercy. Like, it would be friggin' sweet if no one hit me.
 * Mac: Well, what have you done, Junebug? Did you hit someone with the Previa?
 * Leah: [to Juno] Dude, I think it's best to just tell 'em.
 * Juno: ...I'm pregnant.
 * Bren: Oh, God.
 * Juno: But, uh ah, I'm going to give it up for adoption and I already found the perfect couple. They're going to pay for the medical expenses and everything. And in... what, ah... thirty-odd weeks, we can just pretend that this never happened.
 * Mac: You're pregnant?
 * Juno: I'm sorry. I'm sorry... And if it's any consolation, I have heartburn that's radiating in my knee caps and I haven't taken a dump since Wednesday... morning!
 * Bren: I didn't even know that you were sexually active.
 * Juno: I, uh...
 * Mac: Who is the kid?
 * Juno: The-the baby? I don't really know much about it other than, I mean, it has fingernails, allegedly.
 * Bren: Nails, really?
 * Juno: Yeah!
 * Mac: No, I know. I mean, who's the father, Juno?
 * Juno: Umm... It's Paulie Bleeker.
 * Mac: [in amusement] Paulie Bleeker?
 * Juno: What?
 * Mac: I didn't think he had it in him!
 * Leah: I know, right?
 * Mac: All right, this is no laughing matter.
 * Juno: No, it's not... and, you know, Paulie is actually great... in, uh... in chair.


 * Mac: Tell me straight, Bren; do you think is this my fault?
 * Bren: I think kids get bored and they have intercourse. And I think Junebug was a dummy about it, Mac.
 * Mac: I am not ready to be a Pop Pop.
 * Bren: You're not gonna be a Pop Pop. Somebody else is going to find a precious blessing from Jesus in this garbage dump of a situation.


 * Juno: I was thinking I could, like, have this baby and give it to someone that like totally needs it; like a woman with a bum ovary or a couple of nice lesbos.
 * Leah: But then you're gonna get, like, huge, and your chest is gonna "milktate," and you're gonna have to, like, tell people that you're pregnant.
 * Juno: Yeah, but maybe they'll, like, canonize me for being so selfless.
 * Leah: Or maybe they'll, like, totally shit and be really, really mad and not let you graduate or go to Cabo for Spring Break.
 * Juno: I was gonna go to Gettysburg with Bleeker, anyway.
 * Leah: You should look at adoption ads. I see them all the time in the PennySaver.
 * Juno: They have ads for parents?
 * Leah: Yeah! "Desperately Seeking Spawn." Right next to, like, terriers and iguanas and used fitness equipment and stuff. It's, like, totally legit.


 * Mac: And this, of course, is Juno.
 * Mark: Like the city in Alaska.
 * Juno: No.
 * Mark: No? [pause] Shall we sit down and get to know one another?
 * Vanessa: Oh, I thought I would get some drinks. What would anyone like? I have Pellegrino, or Vitamin Water, or Orange Juice with folic acid or...
 * Juno: I'll have a Maker's Mark. Up.
 * Vanessa: ...
 * Mac: She's kidding. Junebug has a wonderful sense of humor. Just one of her many genetic gifts.


 * Juno: Can't we just, like, kick this old school? You know, like I stick the baby in a basket, send it your way, like Moses and the reeds?
 * Mark: Technically, that would be kicking it Old Testament.


 * Ultrasound Technician: Well, there you have it. Would you like to know the sex?
 * Leah: Yes!
 * Juno: No!
 * Leah: Pleease, Juno, please!
 * Juno: No, there will be no sex!
 * Ultrasound Technician: Planning to be surprised when you deliver?
 * Juno: Well, no, but I want Mark and Vanessa to be surprised and if you tell me, I'll just, like, ruin everything.
 * Ultrasound Technician: Are Mark and Vanessa your friends at school?
 * Juno: No, no, no. They're the adoptive parents.
 * Ultrasound Technician: Oh, well, thank goodness for that.
 * Bren: (outraged) What the hell's that supposed to mean?
 * Ultrasound Technician: (uncomfortably) I just see a lot of teenage mothers come through here, and it's obviously a poisonous environment to raise a baby in.
 * Juno: How do you know I'm so poisonous? What if these adoptive parents turn out to be, like, evil molesters?
 * Leah: Or, like, stage parents.
 * Bren: They could be utterly negligent. Maybe they'll do a far shittier job of raising a kid than my dumbass step-daughter would. Have you considered that?
 * Ultrasound Technician: I guess not.
 * Bren: What is your job title exactly?
 * Ultrasound Technician: I'm an ultrasound technician, ma'am.
 * Bren: Well, I'm a nail technician and I think we both ought to just stick to what we know.
 * Ultrasound Technician: Excuse me?
 * Bren: Oh, you think you're so special because you get to play Picture Pages up there? Well, my five year old daughter could do that and let me tell you, she's not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed. So why don't you go back to night school in Mantino and learn a real trade?
 * (Ultrasound technician awkwardly leaves)
 * Juno: Bren! You’s a dick! I love it!


 * Vanessa: Your parents are probably wondering where you are.
 * Juno: Nah, I'm already pregnant, so what other kind of shenanigans could I get into?


 * Juno: We don't even have a dog!
 * Bren: No, because you're allergic to their saliva. I have sacrificed a lot for you, Juno. But in a couple years, when you move out, I'm going to get Weimaraners.
 * Juno: WHOA, DREAM BIG!
 * Bren: Oh, go fly a kite!


 * Mark: [dancing with Juno] I'm leaving Vanessa.
 * Juno: [pulls away from him] What?!
 * Mark: I'm getting a place in the city. I've got it all planned. This is something I've been wanting to do for a long time.
 * Juno: No!
 * Mark: No?
 * Juno: No! You definitely... can't do that. That's one big, fat sack of no!
 * Mark: What is the matter?
 * Juno: I mean, [touching her belly] you guys are supposed to take care of this, ya know?!
 * Mark: I thought you'd be cool with this.
 * Juno: Cool!? I want things to be perfect! I don't want them to be shitty and broken like everyone else's family.
 * Mark: ...
 * Juno: Look, I'll have the baby and Vanessa's gonna be so happy. You just-
 * Mark: A baby's not gonna fix everything, I don't even know if I'm ready to be a father.
 * Juno: But you're old!
 * Mark: [scoffs] ...How do you think of me? You know, why are you over here?
 * Juno: ...I-I just like being a piece of furniture in your weird life.
 * Mark: This. This is what my life has become. I mean, ya know, I got stuff in boxes. I'm, I'm underground. That's appealing to you?
 * Juno: This is my fault.
 * Mark: No.
 * Juno: Is Vanessa, like, mad at you because of me or something?
 * Mark: It's got nothing to do with it. Vanessa and I aren't in love anymore.
 * Juno: [getting emotional] Well, you were in love when you married her! And if you're in love once, you can be in love again like my friend Leah, who's been with the same guy, like, four different times. You're just not trying hard enough!
 * Mark: I'm such an idiot. I can't believe what an idiot I am.
 * Juno: No, you know what, Mark? Do not divorce your wife. Will you please just do me a solid and stay with Vanessa?
 * Mark: ...You're so young.
 * Juno: I'm not that young, okay? I'm sixteen! Alright, I'm old enough to know when someone's acting like a total a-hole. [turns to leave] Oh, and you know what? I bought another Sonic Youth album and it sucks! It's just noise! [storms out]


 * Juno: I just need to know that it's possible that two people can stay happy together forever.
 * Mac: It's not easy, that's for sure. I don't have the best track record in the world, I know, but I've been with your stepmother for ten years now and I'm proud to say that we're very happy. Look... In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still gonna think the sun shines out of your ass. That's the kind of person worth sticking with.
 * Juno: [thinking of Paulie] Yeah... I think I've found that person.
 * Mac: Sure, you have. Your old D-A-D!


 * Juno: I think I'm in love with you.
 * Paulie: You mean as friends?
 * Juno: No, I mean for real. 'Cause you're, like, the coolest person I've ever met — and you don't even have to try, you know...
 * Paulie: I try really hard, actually.
 * Juno: You're, like, naturally smart and you're not like everyone else. You don't stare at my stomach all the time, you look at my face and every time I see you, the baby starts kicking super hard.
 * Paulie: It does?
 * [Juno puts Paulie's hand on her stomach]
 * Paulie: Wizard.
 * Juno: I think it's 'cause my heart starts pounding every time I see you.
 * Paulie: Mine too.
 * Juno: That's all I could ask for. You're gold, man.
 * [awkward pause]
 * Paulie: Can we make out now?
 * Juno: Yeah. [kisses him]
 * Leah: (seeing them) Hey, you know, you can go into early labor sucking face like that!
 * [Juno, still kissing Paulie, gives Leah the finger]


 * Juno: [After her water breaks] Dad!
 * Mac: What?
 * Juno: Either I just peed my pants or...
 * Mac: ...Or?!
 * Juno: THUNDERCATS ARE GOOOOOO!


 * Juno: [in labor] Bren, when do I get that friggin' spinal tap thing?!
 * Bren: It's called a spinal block and you can't have it yet, honey. The doctor said you're not dilated enough.
 * Juno: Come on! I mean, it's like I have to wait for it to get worse! Why can't I just have the friggin' thing now?!
 * Bren: Honey, doctors are sadists who like to play God and watch lesser people scream.
 * Juno: Ahhhhhhh!
 * Bren: Oh, shit. [yelling out in the hall] Excuse me! Can we give my kid the damn spinal tap already?!

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 * Vanessa: [holding the baby for the first time] How do I look?
 * Bren: Like a new mom. Scared shitless.

Cast

 * Elliot Page - Juno MacGuff
 * Michael Cera - Paulie Bleeker
 * Jennifer Garner - Vanessa Loring
 * Jason Bateman - Mark Loring
 * Allison Janney - Bren MacGuff
 * J. K. Simmons - Mac MacGuff
 * Olivia Thirlby - Leah
 * Eileen Pedde - Gerta Rauss
 * Rainn Wilson - Rollo