Kappa Mikey

Kappa Mikey was an American animated series created by Larry Schwarz. The series was about a teenage actor from Cleveland, Ohio who wins a scratch-off card contest and a trip to Japan to star in the country's formerly popular anime series LilyMu.

The Lost Pilot [1.01]

 * Gonard: [in girl's voice] Please let him go!
 * Gonard: [in William Shatner voice] You'll... have to... kill me first.
 * Gonard: [in girl's voice] You mean like this?
 * [Gonard fights himself]
 * Guano: Gonard, what are you doing? You're already on the show.
 * Gonard: Oh... right. [embarrassed chuckle]
 * Ozu: This is terrible. All these actors stink.
 * Gonard: That last guy was good.
 * Ozu: That was you!


 * Lily: Yeah, it's Guano's show. Fire him, not the rest of us.
 * Guano: You're gonna find somebody else who can write and direct a new episode every week? Not to mention memorize all my character's lines?
 * Lily: All your character says is "Guano!"
 * Guano: That's what makes it a challenging role!

The Switch [1.02]

 * [After a TV fight with Lily]
 * Mikey: What's her deal?
 * Mitsuki: You should really be more careful, Mikey.
 * ''[Mikey grieves]




 * [Mikey calls from his home, and his parents answer the phone]
 * Ms. Simon: Hi, you've reached the Simon residence. If your message is for Ms. Simon, press 1.
 * Mr. Simon: And if it's for me, Mr. Simon, press 2.
 * Ms. Simon: And if you're our only child in Japan and you're calling 'cause you're all alone in a big empty room and you miss the comforting sound of another human voice, stay on the line as we read from a list of words chosen at random from the dictionary.
 * Mr. Simon: "Vernacular."
 * Ms. Simon: "Flibbertigibbet."
 * Mr. Simon: "Mortgage."
 * Ms. Simon: "Pedal."
 * Mr. Simon: "Disenfranchise."
 * [Mikey hangs up]


 * Lily: Ozu, Mikey is like the messiest, most inconsiderate human being ever!
 * Yes-Man: He is a star that shines too bright!
 * Mikey: She's the inconsiderate one. She's always nagging me like "Mike-ay, don't eat meals in the shower," "Mikey, don't feed the plants people food."
 * Lily: He's the worst roommate!
 * Mikey: She's the worst roommate!
 * Mitsuki: I just keep that diary as a joke.

Mikey Impossible [1.03]

 * Guano: You didn't destroy Ozu's bonsai tree with a samurai sword, did you?
 * Mikey: Uhhh... kinda.
 * Mitsuki: Mikey, Ozu's gonna kill you!
 * Gonard: He'll send you back to America!
 * Guano: He'll cancel the show!
 * Mikey: I'll never walk on the moon!
 * [Mitsuki, Gonard, and Guano all give confused looks to Mikey]
 * Mikey: What? It's been on my mind.


 * Lily: Stupid boss awards! Stupid party! Stupid Mikey with his stupid bonsai tree and his stupid diagram of Ozu's apartment! [pauses] Mikey! He's trying to switch Ozu's bonsai tree! When I tell Ozu, Mikey's finished! [laughs evilly]

Ship of Fools [1.04]

 * Mikey: When I will get the game I will be like [does game stuff, and then suddenly he bumps into a fake Mikey]
 * Mikey: Sorry 'bout that!
 * Fake Mikey: No worries, my man.
 * [each Mikey walks away and look to each other, and the fake Mikey goes to Mitsuki, Lily and Guano]
 * Mitsuki: There you are Mikey!
 * Fake Mikey: Oh? Oh yeah Here I am! Mikey Simon.
 * Lily: Why are you wearing sunglasses?
 * Fake Mikey: Because your beauty is blinding. [Lily likes what he said, and Mitsuki gets a bit angry]


 * Fake Mikey: Say, how bout some ice cream? I know this jord next door .. if you're interested?
 * Mitsuki: You don't want the new video game?
 * Fake Mikey: Video games are for kids!
 * [Lily and Mitsuki are shocked]
 * Fake Mikey: Now who want ice creams shaped in clowns?
 * Guano: I do! [raises hand]
 * Fake Mikey: Not this time pal. And shine your shoes kid, you look like a mess. [walks away]
 * Guano: I .. don't even have shoes'

Saving Face [1.05]

 * Guano: Who could leave such horrible rumors in the paper?
 * Gonard: Who indeed
 * Guano: Mitsuki was with Lily the whole time
 * Gonard: Indeed.
 * Guano: Yes Man and Ozu never left the studio.
 * Gonard: Indeed.
 * Guano: And I was teaching you to speak with a british accent
 * Gonard: [In a british accent] Rather.
 * Guano: That leaves only 1 person...
 * [drum roll]
 * Gonard: Gonard.
 * Guano: What?! You did it?
 * Gonard: No.


 * Lily: Be honest, Mitsuki. Did I lose my endorsement to Socky because I'm not beautiful anymore?
 * Mitsuki: That's crazy! You look great! Doesn't she, Mirror?
 * Mirror: Looking great, Gonard.

The Fugi-Kid [1.06]

 * Prosecutor: Ozu, do you think Mikey stole the coat?
 * Ozu: If Mikey says he didn't take the coat, I believe him.
 * Prosecutor: But didn't Mikey destroy your precious 500 year old bonsai tree, then lie about it?
 * Ozu: Yes! [voice building with anger]
 * Prosecutor: And did he buy a pirated video game when you told him not to?
 * Ozu: Yes! [saying very angrily]
 * Prosecutor: And didn't he reveal Lilymu's secrets to the press?
 * Ozu: Yes! ''[saying with fury as he catches on fire]
 * Mikey: That was a good one.
 * Prosecutor: Let the records show that Ozu is surrounded by flame.
 * ''[Yes Man douses Ozu with an extinguisher]


 * [it has been proven that Mikey was framed, but the police finds him in Lilymu Towers. The gang are all in Gonard's apartment
 * Gonard: Friends stick together. [outside to the police] Mikey's with us! If you arrest him, you have to arrest all of us!
 * Detective: Fine. You're all under arrest.
 * [Mikey, Lily, Mitsuki and Guano slap their foreheads in disbelief]
 * Gonard: You'll have to come and get us!
 * Detective: Fine. We'll come and get you.
 * [Mikey, Lily, Mitsuki and Guana slap their foreheads in disbelief]
 * Gonard: Take the elevator! From my experience, it's faster!
 * Detective: Fine. We'll take the elevator.
 * [Mikey, Lily, Mitsuki and Guana slap their foreheads in disbelief]

Mikey Likes It [1.07]

 * Guano: [referring to Lily] What makes you think she would choose you?
 * Gonard: [talking while eating spaghetti] Because I am a gentleman!
 * Man: Excuse me, that's mine.
 * Gonard: And it is delicious!


 * Gonard: I think I broke one of my livers.
 * Lily: You only have one liver.
 * Gonard: How many do I need to live?
 * Lily: One.
 * Gonard: I'm in trouble.

Easy Come, Easy Gonard [1.08]

 * Guano: Hey, LilyMu dolls! [picks up Mitsuki doll and starts mimicking her voice] Oh, Guano! You're such a talented writer! Have you been working out? [picks up Ozu doll and starts imitating him] I am sorry for what I said, Guano. You are a good actor! And a great director! And very tall! [picks up his own doll and starts speaking on his own voice] It's too late for sorries, Ozu! GUANO SMASH! [starts hitting dolls against each other until he starts crying] Guano smash...


 * Mitsuki: Ooh! Let's go to the Tatami megastore. They've got everything!
 * Gonard: Yeah! That's where I bought my virtual reality machine. [places toaster on head, covering his eyes]
 * Mikey: Awesome!
 * Guano: It's just a toaster he found in the street.
 * Gonard: It's like I'm... on a roller coaster! Woo hoo! [runs hard into a wall] Oof!

Lily Meow [1.09]

 * Mikey: I can't believe we were fired from the show.
 * Gonard: [Holding a prop and then tossing it down a trash bin] Goodbye LilyMu Blaster, I guess I'll never shoot you again. [Holding his costume pants and tossing it down a trash bin] Goodbye LilyMu pants, I guess I'll never look awesome in you again. [Holding his pants and then tossing it down a trash bin] Goodbye normal pants. In retrospect, there was nothing wrong with you.


 * Gonard: So the cat's cute? It's not like it's got anything else going for it.
 * Reporter on TV: Here is Kello taking the Silver Medal in Olympic Downhill Skiing!
 * Mikey: Why did I lend him those skis?


 * Guano: You just need time to adjust. On Lily's first day, she tripped over a camera. Then on Gonard's first day, he mistakenly ate a box full of light-bulbs.
 * Gonard: You mean, glass apples.


 * [Kello the Kitten gets on the camera]
 * Guano: What's that on the camera?
 * Gonard: A UFO?
 * Lily: That's not a UFO.
 * [Gonard holds a sub sandwich]
 * Gonard: Lily, I think I know a UFO when I see one. Hey! Who's been eating my UFO?


 * Cat Burglar: You know the expression, 'There's only one way to skin a cat'? Actually, there's only one way, with this. [pulls out a bizarre looking machine with a hook, knife, sickel, and another blade all spinning simultaneously]

Splashomon [1.10]

 * Mitsuki: [in southern accent, wearing bonnet] Gonard you have to eat that lobster!
 * Gonard: [in southern accent, wearing a cowboy hat] I reckon I do!


 * Reginald: It is I, Sir Reginald, the handsomest man in the world, come to present you with this overly large diamond. [holds up diamond]
 * Lily: Oh Reginald!
 * Tapias: Jumps onto balcony holding diamond identical to Reginald's Lily?
 * Lily: Tapias I never doubted you for a second.
 * Tapias: Then I shall fight you for Lily!
 * Reginald: Have at you!


 * Mikey: Anyway, After the game I picked up Gonard. We ran into a little trouble on the way to Ozu's but it was nothing we couldn't handle.
 * Mikey: [In flashback] Those Aliens have been tailing us since Montoya Blvd.
 * Gonard: [In flashback] I'm on it! [Fires laser]
 * Mikey: [In flashback] Wooooo ha ha ha!
 * [end of flashback]
 * Gonard: [Hand on heart] True Story.

The Good, the Bad, and the Mikey [1.11]

 * Mikey: W'ever
 * Guano: Mikey, you have to do what the script says!
 * Mikey: Script is just a prison, made of words.
 * Ozu: You must go back to being the old Mikey and be a good example for kids.
 * Mikey: W'ever.
 * Ozu: You have to do what I say! I'm your boss!
 * Mikey: Boss is just a prison, made of skin.
 * Ozu: That dosen't make any sense!
 * Mikey: Well, not to a fossil like you.


 * Guano: [standing on top of the bus] For the last time, I'm not filled with candy!
 * Girl: Prove it!
 * [Guano screams and lands on Gonard's hands and Mikey and Gonard start running]
 * Gonard: The candy is mine! Fine, you can have some too.

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 * Guano: Mikey! Stop! Ozu's gonna be furious!
 * Mikey: Then I got news for Ozu, w'ever!

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 * Ozu: You started a riot!?
 * Mikey: Ah, no!
 * [A chair flies in through a window]
 * Crowd: Riot! Riot! Riot!

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 * Yes Man: For the greater good!
 * Kid 1: He supports the greater good!
 * Kid 2: Get him!

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 * Mikey: [looking at a statue of Ozu] Look at him, all smug and bronze like the real Ozu.

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 * Mikey: A boss is just a prison made of skin.
 * Ozu: That doesn't make sense!

Sumo of All Fears [1.12]

 * Lily: And in this corner... Two guys wearing masks! [sumos cheer] And a short, smelly guy wearing a mask!
 * Guano: OH, COME ON!!

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 * Mikey: Hey guys! We need to fight some sumos.
 * Lily, Mitsuki, and Gonard: US?
 * Mikey: I can't fight by myself! Come on!
 * Gonard: [In a British accent] Very well! Lily, fetch my sword and a team of horses. Mitsuki, carry me into battle! [both girls give him angry looks] Just kidding.

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 * Mikey: I don't feel like I'm getting stronger.
 * Janitor: Ah, but Mikey, you are getting stronger! In fact, you are my best student I ever taught.
 * Guano: What about me?
 * Janitor: Ah, yes, you are my worst.

Lost in Transportation [1.13]

 * Beef: You ain't goin' nowhere.
 * [an alarm sounds]
 * Gang member: Grammar police! You aren't going anywhere.
 * Beef: Man, the Grammar Police is always doggin' me...

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 * Ozu: [to Lily] Have you talked to Mitsuki? Did she find Mikey?
 * Lily: Not yet, but Gonard says he has a back up plan.
 * Gonard: [to the children] Maybe one day, you'll all be superheroes when you grow up. Isn't that right, Mikey?
 * ''[A cat is dressed as Kappa Mikey and starts attacking Gonard]

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 * Gonard: [talking on cell phone] Mikey, you gotta get here. They're gonna put out the cake soon, and I think I ate the box with all the candles in it.

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 * Beef: We're all outcasts, kid. That's what makes us Chums. That, and a small monthly membership fee.

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 * Beef: Mikey, I've got a special surprise for you.
 * Mikey: You're gonna throw another snake down my shirt?

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 * Mr. Stereo: This is wonderful! Thank you, Ozu! Only a true friend would save my son's birthday with a gang of dangerous bikers!

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 * Lily: Hey, kids!
 * [The children cheer]
 * Timmy: Lily, do your move!
 * [Lily giggles and performs a karate kick]
 * Lily: Hi-ya!
 * [Timmy becomes enraged]
 * Timmy: NO! DO THE MOVE WHERE YOU INTRODUCE MIKEY!

Big Trouble in Little Tokyo [1.14]

 * [Mega Gonard rampages around Tokyo]
 * Random Man: Oh no! The Fireworks factory!
 * [Gonard steps on factory, fireworks shoot up into the sky]
 * Random Man: Not the wolf factory!
 * [Gonard steps on factory, barking wolves run out of the factory]

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 * Guano: Mikey, for once just listen to me. Let's Go!
 * Mikey: Not till I touch Gonard with the Death Hand!
 * Gonard: Yeah! I wanna know the slumber of lost souls.

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 * Hideous Blue Blob: Do not go in there.
 * Mikey: You heard the monster. Let's check it out.

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 * Guano: Does this mean you're gonna let me go?
 * Dr. Igor: Ha! Of course not. But, I'll try to make this as pleasant as possible. Set the laser to maximum pain!

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 * Dr. Igor: Citizens of Tokyo! For too long, you have ignored Dr. Igor! For too long have you denied me the respect I deserve! Now it's- It's-
 * Guano: Payback time?
 * Dr. Igor: Yes! It's payback time! Unless you give me everything I want, I will use my Size-Mo-Lazer and Guano's Power Crystal to make myself incredibly small!
 * Guano: Ahem. Sorry to interrupt, but maybe you should make yourself bigger instead of smaller?
 * Dr. Igor: Hmmm... bigger. Good idea. I shall make myself enormous and then I'll- I'll...
 * Guano: Destroy all of Tokyo.
 * Dr. Igor: Destroy all of Tokyo!

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 * Mitsuki: Gonard hit both four and nine and if you add them together you get-
 * Gonard: The letter M!

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 * Lily: Nobody panic.
 * Gonard: Help! I'm too beautiful to swim!

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 * Ozu: For you.
 * Yes Man: A sandwich? This is the nicest thing you ever gave me!
 * [Ozu's phone rings]
 * Ozu: Hello?
 * Lily: Ozu! We're stuck in an elevator and we gotta rescue Guano!
 * Ozu: Not now! I just gave Yes Man a sandwich full of painful spicy Wasabi.
 * Yes Man: [takes a bite of the sandwich] Why would you do this?!
 * Ozu: It's a blooper!
 * Yes Man: But there's no camera!

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 * Dr. Igor: All the classic movie monsters were my inventions! Mega-Rat! Mega-Snake! Mega-Mom!
 * Mikey: Yeu made all these?!
 * Dr. Igor: Forbes helped out.
 * Forbes: I designed the monster's butts.

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 * Gonard: Look! It's the moths from the movie, "Attack of the Mega-Moths."
 * Mitsuki: And his death ray from "Mega Night of the Death Ray"!
 * Mikey: Sweet! Dracula's retainer and the long lost ending to "Mega-zilla 7: Birth of Mega-zilla!"

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 * Guano: Movie time's over.
 * Mikey: Come on! The three-headed Mega-Dragon's gonna fight a Mega-Turtle with four butts!

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 * Ozu: New, from LilyMu! It's the "LilyMu: Super Bloopers" DVD! On sale for only five thousand yen!
 * Yes Man: Bargain of the century!

The Phantom of the Soundstage [1.15]

 * [Lily and the Phantom of the sound stage planning to prank Mikey]
 * Phantom: Then, I will teach him a lesson he'll not forget.
 * Lily and Phantom: [Evil laugh]
 * Phantom: That's a pretty good evil laugh, you've got.
 * Lily: It comes from the heart.

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 * Phantom: Legend has it, the stage is haunted by a hideous creature.
 * Mikey: Guano! [buzzer sound effect]
 * Phantom: No, a hideous creature that lurks in the shadows.
 * Mikey: Mitsuki? [buzzer sound effect]

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 * Phantom: [to the tune of the title song from The Phantom of the Opera] I must do to young Mikey / What that prankster did to me.

Battle of the Bands [1.16]

 * Mikey: That's ridiculous! Yoshi will say anything if you tickle him! [Tickles Yoshi]
 * Yoshi: [Laughing] Stop! Stop! I brush my teeth with dogs!

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 * Mikey: A cell phone! We can cheat after all!
 * [Gonard, Guano and Lily cheer]
 * Mitsuki: Wait! What happened to being honest with our fans?! You said we'd do the right thing!
 * Mikey: And we will, as soon as we cheat our way to victory!
 * Gonard, Guano and Lily: Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat!

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 * Ori: Well, what do we have here?
 * Yori: Looks like a couple actor types thought they'd pick up some guitars and call themselves a band.
 * Mikey: Yep, that's pretty much it.

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 * Guano: Gonard, did you leave this on the audio board?
 * Gonard: That's preposterous! I've never seen that sandwich before in my life!
 * Guano: You autographed it! [sandwich reads 'Eat you later -Gonard']
 * Gonard: That could be any Gonard! [eats sandwich out of Guano's hand in one bite]

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 * Mikey: We'll figure it out. We're rock stars.
 * Mitsuki: Rock stars who steal their music from a cell phone?!
 * Mikey: Is there any other kind?

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 * Guano: For now, let's just worry about covering our butts.
 * Gonard: One step ahead of you. (has a sheep on his butt)

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 * Mikey: Everyone. I have a confession to make.
 * Reporter: He's a vampire! It all adds up!

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 * Yori: Something's not right about you guys.
 * Ori: Yeah. You hold your instruments funny.
 * Yori: All your songs are 15 seconds long!

La Cage Aux Mikey [1.17]

 * Lily: Well, if you really are Mikey's parents, then you must know a lot about him.
 * Guano: When's Mikey's birthday?
 * Gonard: What's Mikey's name?
 * [mimical gestures while an accordion plays in the background]

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 * Gonard: [angrily] You made me learn how to cook delicious foods!? Do you know how useless that is to me!?

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 * Gonard: To eat is a necessity; but to eat intelligently is an art.
 * Beef: That's beautiful, Gonard.
 * Gonard: A guy wrote it on my hand at the bus station. (holds up hand)

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 * Mikey: You guys remember that reporter that was here?
 * Gonard: Sure, about yea high, face made of glass, always standing next to the fax machine.
 * Lily: You're thinking of the photocopier.
 * Gonard: That wasn't a reporter? Then why would he want a picture of my butt?

Reality Bites [1.18]

 * [Gonard, watching TV, sees himself on reality show]
 * Gonard: Oh, man, this guys got moves!
 * Mikey: Gonard, that's you!
 * Gonard: Shyeah, I wish.

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 * Gonard: [holding the novel 'War and Peace'] No food for me; I'm too busy feeding my brain with book knowledge. [takes bite out of book and with mouth full] Mmm, verbs... mmm. Pass the syrup.

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 * Guano: I don't know, guys, you know what they say, 'Too many cooks spoil the broth.'
 * Mikey: No. What they say is, 'Too many cooks write the best books.'

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 * Gonard: [excitedly paging through a photo album] Here's me fighting 'gators in the Amazon. Oh, and and here's me playing ping-pong on the moon. Oh, and here's me inventing penicillin at the prom.
 * Mikey: Those are just pictures of you with sandwiches.
 * Gonard: Jealous?

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 * Ozu: [angrily] What am I supposed to put on the air now?!
 * Yes Man: The Yes Man Variety Hour!

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 * Gonard: If you want this butt camera back send 1000 unmarked cookies to my mouth by 3 o'clock tomorrow.

Mitsuki: This is terrible! I look like a wet blanket. Gonard: I look like a sandwich loving buffoon. Mikey: I look like I'm not wearing any clothes!

A Christmas Mikey [1.19]

 * Mikey: Gonard! You're not evil!
 * Gonard: Thanks, I've been using a new deoderant.
 * Ozu: Eat the stocking... EAT IT! [shoves christmas stocking in Yes-man's mouth]

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 * Gonard: You're good, Kappa Mikey. Real good.
 * Mikey: The best.
 * Guano: Cut? [excited] Cut! That's a wrap, people!
 * [crew cheers]
 * Mitsuki: Mikey, that was amazing.
 * Lily: Yeah, for once you didn't destroy the whole set.
 * Mikey: Ain't no thing but a sumo ring. [tips over a camera and chaos quickly ensues] Sorry.
 * Guano: You know what, who cares? We're done for the season!

With Fans Like These [1.20]

 * Gonard: [Talking to sandwich] No mayo I said, but you wouldn't listen. [jams sandwich into paper shredder, machine overloads as sparks and smoke fly out]

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 * Gonard: Sorry I'm late, I had to get beat up by some nerds. Ready?
 * Lily: Yeah, remember you're good cop I'm bad cop.
 * Gonard: Got it.
 * [Scene pans to Guano tied up in a chair]
 * Gonard: So Guano, how'd you like a punch in the gut?
 * Lily: [through clenched teeth] Gonard! Good cop.
 * Gonard: I mean, how would you like a kiss...in the gut? [Gonard thumbs up sign to Lily]

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 * [Gonard dunks his head in a fish tank, comes up with a fish in his mouth, swallows fish]
 * Lily: Gonard!
 * Gonard: I just open my mouth, if a fish swims in that's his decision.

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 * Mitsuki: You shouldn't mess with people who confuse T.V. and real life.
 * Mikey: Why not? Sounds like a great idea to me.
 * Mitsuki: Remember when we watched that nature show and Gonard threw the T.V. out the window cause he thought it was full of spiders?
 * Mikey: So?
 * Mitsuki: We lost THREE T.V.s!

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 * Mikey: Good news, I'm nerd free!
 * Mitsuki: So you were honest, my advice worked?
 * Mikey: Oh yeah, about that. Sometimes true honesty means making up a crazy story about Gonard to scare away your fans.

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 * Gonard: And I want sandwiches! [Bangs fist against wall] The good kind...with bread on the outside.

Big Brozu [1.21]

 * Gonard: I get it now. There aren't two Ozu's. That other guy is Ozu's brother.
 * Lily: [sarcastically]: Very good, Gonard.
 * Gonard: Now if only someone would explain to me who THAT guy is. [points to himself in a mirror and talks to his reflection] Hello, handsome.

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 * Lily: This is a joke! You have no idea what you're doing.
 * Mikey: You've got spark. I like that. Give yourself a raise.
 * Lily: What!?
 * Mikey: You're fired!
 * [Lily gasps]

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 * Ozu: We had an agreement, Brozu. I run LilyMu, you spend our family's money on diamond teeth and ill-fitting trousers.
 * Yes Man: [to Brozu] In your face!
 * No Man: Oh no!
 * Yes Man: Yesss! [attacks No Man]

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 * [Brozu sees Lily for the first time]
 * Brozu: Oh Hello! Your daddy must be a doctor cause you're the sickest girl I ever saw!
 * Lily: OMG

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 * [Gonard puts bunny ears on his butt]
 * Mitsuki: Um, Gonard, those are bunny ears.
 * Gonard: Oh, I thought they were butt feathers.
 * Mitsuki: ???
 * Lily: Until Mikey Simon is removed as producer, I'm going on strike!
 * Guano: Yeah!
 * Mitsuki: Me too!
 * Mikey: Wait stop! I can explain.

The Man Who Would be Mikey [1.22]

 * [Mikey finds a sword stuck on the rock]
 * Mikey: This should do the job.
 * Old Man: Beautiful, sword eye, this called the Dragon's Spike, pops you heard the legend.
 * Mikey: Of course, so this is what they use to stop Manzilla.
 * Old Man: Now, the Dragon's has been a history of dark and TWISTED!
 * Mikey: Oh, the Dragon's Spike, I thought you said the Dragon's Bike, anyway I'm sure no one would mind if I take her out for a little spin.
 * Old Man: [laughs evily] No one will not pull it from the stone. Thousands of tribe it all it fails, the grass, the blade is to...
 * Mikey: [pulls the blade out] See ya later. [leaves]
 * Old Man: Spike? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

Uh Oh Guano [1.23]

 * Gonard: Mikey, to make someone less popular all you have to do is steal their belt.
 * [Yoshi walks by, his pants fall down]
 * Yoshi: My trousers!
 * Gonard: [chuckling and holding up Yoshi's belt] That'll teach him to look at my doughnut.

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 * Mikey: Maybe I'll even be on Star Talk. The show where stars talk.
 * Lily: The only show you'll be on is America's Next Top Weirdo.
 * Mikey: Don't get my hopes up.

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 * [talking about Butts, the currency of Buttstonia]
 * Gonard: Look, look at the pretty Butts.
 * Mitsuki: That's... okay.
 * Gonard: Touch them, touch my Butts! Touch my stinkin' Butts!

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 * Sergie: I have earned my fortune. It is American dream.
 * Lily: This is Japan!
 * Sergie: It is Japanese dream then.

Like Ozu, Like Son [1.24]

 * Mitsuki: What's the matter, Mikey?
 * Lily: Another restaurant ban you for picking your nose with chopsticks?

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 * [Gonard picks up greeting card Mikey dropped]
 * Gonard: [reading card] Happy Birthday to the world's greatest son. MOG! It's my birthday!?

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 * Gonard: I know how to turn that frown upside down. [Gonard starts doing a stand up comedy routine] How 'bout that Ozu folks? I mean he's so old, I told him to act his age and he died! And his shoes, hiyo!

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 * Lily: There's no way you two taught that bird to fly.
 * Guano: What are you even doing here?
 * Lily: [chuckles] Mocking you.
 * Gonard: Don't listen to 'em Reggie, you'll show 'em. You'll show 'em all! [serious tone] especially Mitsuki.
 * Mitsuki: What!?

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 * [Talking about the shark]
 * Mikey: It didn't hurt anyone expect us and Yes Man and the shark that ate Yes Man.
 * [Scene switches to Yes Man inside the shark]
 * Yes Man: It's cozy in here!

La Femme Mitsuki [1.25]

 * [Mikey trying to get someone to go to a movie with him]
 * Mikey: Doesn't anyone here want to go with me?
 * Dr. Igor: I won't go with you, but maybe I'll see you there. [Mikey and Mitsuki looking puzzled] I work part-time as an usher.

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 * Mikey: Now we've got copies of all your files and all your poems. [clearing throat] 'The lonely man in the mailbox' by Agent F.
 * Agent F: Stop! That's private!

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 * Mikey: Okay Mitsuki, I want answers. Who was that guy? Where'd you learn those moves? What did you get me for my birthday? Answer in any order you like.

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 * Gonard: But what if space is time and what if time is space? And what if space is space?... Are you gonna finish that sandwich?

The Oni Express [1.26]

 * Ozu: Yes Man, where have you been?
 * Yes Man: A magic orb stole my soul!
 * Ozu: Again?

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 * Mitsuki: This Oni mask is our most precious artifact, it's over 6,000 years old.
 * Gonard: It has a very special purpose.
 * [Lily pulls down on one of the mask's horns, a drink dispenses from the mask's nostrils]
 * Mikey: Woah!

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 * Mikey: I'm so pathetic. What kind of man can't even overpower a whale with his bare hands?

The Masked Tanuki [2.10]

 * Mitsuki: There's only one man lonely enough to have that many cats.
 * Lily: Yes Man?
 * Mitsuki: No. Well, yes, but I was thinking the Cat Burglar.

Night of the Werepuff [2.15]

 * Lily: Here we are. I'm betting anything Mikey's inside.
 * Mitsuki: But there are thousands of clothing stores in Tokyo. What makes you think he's in this one?
 * Lily: Just a hunch. Plus there are hundreds of people running out screaming.
 * [sees crowd running out and screaming from the front door]
 * Mitsuki: Oh.

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 * Mitsuki: Lily, quit it! We need to fix Mikey by midnight, or he'll be like this forever!
 * Lily: Works for me.

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 * Lily: You know, I guess I always felt there was something keeping us apart. Now I know that something was Mikey's voice, face, body and texture. But that's all changed now.

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 * Guano: All my life, the tall furry guys always get everything, and the short furry guys just get kicked around. Well, I'm sick of it. Have I not fur? Do I not shed? I'm onto you, werepuffs. One day you'll slip up. And I'll be waiting!

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 * Mitsuki: (tearing up) I'm just so glad for them. Seeing those two together is like a dream come true. (blows nose) If I could tell those lovers one thing, it'd probably be... (cries)

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 * [Werepuff kidnaps Lily]
 * Guano: What was that?
 * Gonard: Oh yeah. In a part, he mentioned that he really dug on Lily.
 * Mitsuki: Oh. They always go for the blonde.

Live LilyMu [2.23]

 * [Mikey puts farting powder on Gonard's ice cream, pretending it is sprinkles]
 * Mitsuki: Ooooh! Mint chip, my favorite!
 * Mikey: Actually, this is really for Gonard.
 * Mitsuki: One bite couldn't hurt.
 * Mikey: Come on Mitsuki. Do you really need the carbs?
 * Mitsuki: I'll take my chances. [tastes the ice cream] Mmmmm!
 * Speakerphone: Places everyone. Broadcasting is in less than one minute.
 * Mikey: Uh oh.

Mitsuki Butterfly [2.24]

 * Mikey: Mitsuki, help!
 * Dadzuki: I'm coming Mikey!
 * Mikey: Wow, [Dadzuki lifts him up] you're hands are strong and hairy. Thanks, Mitsuki, you're a lifesaver.
 * Dadzuki: Not so fast! You see, I'm not Mitsuki at all.
 * Mikey: Huh?
 * Gonard, Lily, and Guano: Huh?
 * Dadzuki: Yes, it is I Dadzuki, the father of Mitsuki.
 * [Mikey, Gonard, Guano, and Lily gasps]

The Wizard of Ozu [2.26]

 * [last lines]
 * Mikey: There's no place like home! Right, Gonard?

Cast

 * Michael Sinterniklaas as Mikey Simon
 * Sean Schemmel as Gonard
 * Gary Mack as Guano
 * Kether Donohue as Lily
 * Carrie Keranen as Mitsuki
 * Stephen Moverly as Ozu
 * Jesse Adams as Yes Man