Kicking & Screaming (2005 film)


 * For the 1995 comedy film, see Kicking and Screaming (1995 film).
 * For the 1995 comedy film, see Kicking and Screaming (1995 film).

Kicking & Screaming is a 2005 film starring Will Ferrell as Phil Weston, an average man who has had to endure his father Buck's over-competitiveness throughout his childhood. Phil decides to coach his son's recreational soccer team, and soon finds that he's inherited his father's desire to win. description...).
 * ''Directed by Jesse Dylan. Written by Leo Benvenuti and Steve Rudnick.

All his life Phil Weston has dreamed of being on a winning team. Phil... your time has come.

Dialogue

 * Phil Weston: I was born a baby, a blank slate. I thought I was in control of my own destiny, and then I met my dad.


 * Phil Weston: You don't think? Ya don't think? Well, I don't think you should be buttin' in when I'm talkin' to my team. You're my assistant, OK? You're supposed to back me up and go get me juiceboxes when I tell ya. Now go get me a juicebox.
 * Mike Ditka: YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKIN' TO?
 * Phil Weston: I'm talkin' to the juicebox guy.
 * Mike Ditka: You're crazy!
 * Phil Weston: I'm not crazy, I'm just thirsty.
 * Mike Ditka: WELL, YOU GO TO HELL!
 * Phil Weston: No, you go to hell, and while you're there, why don't you grab me a juicebox!
 * Mike Ditka: I'M NO JUICEBOX BOY, I'LL TELL YOU THAT!
 * Phil Weston: Yes, you are!
 * Mike Ditka: No, I'm not!
 * Phil Weston: Yes, you are!
 * Mike Ditka: No, I'm not!
 * Phil Weston: Yes, you are!
 * Mike Ditka: No, I'm not! You're like your old man!
 * Phil Weston: I'M NOT LIKE MY OLD MAN!
 * Mike Ditka: If it weren't for these kids, I would whip your butt!
 * Phil Weston: I CAN TAKE A PUNCH!


 * Phil Weston: What is that haunting aroma?


 * Mike Ditka: Way to go, Bing Bong!


 * Ann Hogan: Hi, Mr.Ditka. I was wondering - my son Byong-Sun is a little shy, so could I get an autograph?
 * Mike Ditka: Yeah, sure, how do you spell it?
 * Ann Hogan: B-Y-...
 * Mike Ditka: I think I got it.
 * [gives paper]
 * Donna Jones: [walking away looking at autograph] Bing-bong?


 * Mike Ditka: [team is doing push-ups] If you guys were the Bears, I'd fine you $10,000 apiece.


 * '''Phil Weston:I am angry. I'm like a large tornado of anger, swirling about.


 * Buck Weston: I take a vitamin everyday. It's called a steak.


 * Phil Weston: Hey, I almost had you!
 * 'Buck Weston: What do you call that again, when you almost win? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah... Losing!

 Phil Weston: Ambrose Ambrose: Yeah? Phil Weston: I saw a bunch of nonsense out there. What was going through your head out there last week? Ambrose: I was breaking my back for you coach because of my love for the game. Phil Weston: LIAR!


 * Phil Weston: [Phil to Mark] How many sarcastic pills did you take this morning?

 Phil Weston: Well, if it isn't Porkface Jones. I can eat a box of cookies tonight. Can you do that? No. Because you're nothin' but a fart-faced kid. [kid starts attacking him] Phil Weston: [shouts] Get him off me! [someone pulls kid off]
 * Phil Weston: That's like the little jackal from hell!


 * '''Buck Weston: We've got balls!
 * Phil Weston: And vitamins!
 * Buck Weston: But mostly balls!
 * Phil Weston''': [with all the kids from the Tigers and Gladiators teams]
 * [shout]
 * Phil Weston''': And vitamins!

Phil Weston: They're like 4-foot whirling dervishes. I don't even know what a whirling dervish is but that's what they're like.

Ann Hogan: You ease up on him. Phil Weston: You just ease up there on your corduroy jacket.

Byong Sun: Whoo! Electric in the air!

Jim Davidson 'The Captain': [after the Tigers have arrived to the soccer field from the butcher shop and are covered in blood] You know, actually one of my kids forgot his socks so we forfeit; yeah, we forfeit! Jim Davidson 'The Captain': [turns and starts sprinting to their cars] Run to the car kids! don't look back! Run!

Phil Weston: [Phil is being kicked out of Beantown] What's happening Derek, I thought we were friends. Beantown Employee: My name is Andy! Phil Weston: No, your name is Liar, 'cause you tell lies.

Phil Weston: Hey, you didn't have to take up two spaces! Obnoxious Hummer Lady: Actually, I did. Look at the size of this bad boy, huh? [indicating Phil's smaller sedan] Obnoxious Hummer Lady: This is cute, though! You're saving the environment for all of us. Go hemp! Ha ha!

Referee: Where do I know you from? Phil Weston: I've been your neighbor for the last seven years! Referee: No, that ain't it. Phil Weston: That's definitely it! Referee: I'll figure it out.

Ann Hogan: Byong-Sun is very shy - this book really helped us to deal with it, so you're probably gonna want to give it a glance. Phil Weston: [reading title] My Child is Shy. Thanks. [pause] Phil Weston: I'm sorry, who's your son? Donna Jones: Byong-Sun. Phil Weston: Oh, I see. [pause] Phil Weston: Actually, I don't see, I'm sorry. [realizing they are lesbians] Phil Weston: Oh wait, now I see! Wow!

Ann Hogan: We're at all the games, unlike a lot of the other parents. Phil Weston: No no, not like the other parents at all! You're better than the other parents. Ambrose's Dad: Oh, so they're better? Phil Weston: No, they're different. Donna Jones: What do you mean "different"? Phil Weston: I mean, you're different because you're better. Ambrose's Dad: How are they better? Phil Weston: You're both better different... in a different but better way! Ann Hogan: Uh, okay. [she walks off with Donna] Ambrose's Dad: It's a little early to start playing favorites, Phil.

Byong Sun: [introducing himself] I'm Byong-Sun. Phil Weston: Hi, Byong-Sun. Byong Sun: I am a very kind person. Phil Weston: Oh, that's sweet! Anything that relates to soccer? Byong Sun: No sir. Phil Weston: Well, maybe you and Ambrose can team up - he's big and you might form one megaperson. [Ambrose gives him a dirty look] Phil Weston: Okay, forget I just said that.

Mark Avery: Hi, I'm Mark Avery - you know, I like to keep my hands strong [waving hands, gesturing] Mark Avery: You dig, Cracker? Ya feel me? Phil Weston: What does that mean? Mark Avery: I don't know, I heard it on a rap video once. But I'm really funny. I've got like a million jokes. Phil Weston: Great, I'd love to hear one. Shoot. Mark Avery: Remember the time when you called us onto the field and you fell over? Phil Weston: Right, yeah... Mark Avery: [all the kids laugh] Ha ha! I got ya good! I burned ya! I got ya, bad! Phil Weston: How did I get burned? Okay, apparently I don't get it.

Phil Weston: [to Barbara] My dad, he's a coach. He knows the game, he's confident, he's smart, witty, dynamic, vicious, brutal, vindictive, a monster! And he will win by intimidation and forceful tactics if need be. I'm not like that. I don't know anyone like that. Do you? [quick cut to Ditka's house] Mike Ditka: So Paul, what's on your mind? Phil Weston: Actually, it's Phil. Mike Ditka: It's not Paul? Phil Weston: No. Mike Ditka: What's the difference? Spit it out. [lights a cigar] Diana Ditka: Mike? Mike Ditka: Here, hold this. [gives cigar to Phil] Diana Ditka: Oh no! We do not allow smoking in the house! Phil Weston: I'm sorry, Mrs. Ditka. Diana Ditka: You should be. Mike Ditka: [Phil hands back cigar] I'll get rid of it, honey!

Donna Jones: [second lesbian extends her hand to Phil's, shaking it with a joltingly strong grip] Donna Jones. You can call me 'Chief.'

Phil Weston: Looks who's here! I'll give you a hint - Hall of Fame, Chicago Bears... Mark Avery: Sammy Sosa? Mike Ditka: C'mon! Phil Weston: Football... coached the 1986... Mike Ditka: '85. Phil Weston: Right, '85 Bears to Superbowl victory... it's Mike Ditka! Mark Avery: Do you know Sammy Sosa? Mike Ditka: Hey, zip it, kid!


 * Sam Weston: Dad, you're getting a little creepy.
 * Phil Weston: I know, let's all bay at the moon.
 * Sam Weston: What?
 * Phil Weston: You know, howl at the moon... like this. Owwwwooooo... owooo... ow, ow, ow, ow, owwwoooo!
 * Neighbor: Shut up out there!
 * Phil Weston: You shut up in THERE!
 * ''[continues howling, and all the kids join in; momentarily, a pack of snarling dogs charge into the yard]


 * Buck Weston: You know how hard it's been for me ever since your mom died.
 * Phil Weston: She didn't die! She divorced you!
 * Buck Weston: Ehh... tomatoes, tomahtoes.

Massimo: [after Sam keeps falling over] Mama Mia! You're a real DUFFER, you know?

The Tigers: [winning team, shouting] Two, four, six, eight! Who do we appreciate? Mike Ditka: Shut up, ya little rats! Phil Weston: They're just showing their appreciation. Mike Ditka: I don't care about appreciation, I just want to win a soccer game. [throws down his clipboard and walks off] The Tigers: [parent picks it up] Can I have this? Phil Weston: Sure. The Tigers: Alllllright!


 * Mike Ditka: [to the Tigers team] This is gonna be the hardest thing you've ever done in your whole lives. But when it's over...
 * Phil Weston: Don't get emotional...
 * Mike Ditka: When it's over...
 * Phil Weston: [echoing him] When it's over...
 * Mike Ditka: You guys are gonna be champions!
 * Phil Weston: Champions!
 * Mike Ditka: Now let's get out there and kick some butt!
 * Phil Weston: On three, 'let's have fun'
 * The Tigers: [all chant] One, two, three, Let's Have Fun!
 * Mike Ditka: [to Phil, mocking] 'Let's have fun,' what's THAT?


 * Buck Weston: Oh, this oughtta be good. If we live long enough, we'll see Iron Mike and Aluminum Phil coaching the Tigers.
 * Mike Ditka: I couldn't really hear ya, Weston. My Superbowl ring was making too much noise.

[crowd hisses]

Phil Weston: [after Sam gets conked on the head with soccer ball] C'mon, Sam! Get the circulation back in your skull!

Phil Weston: [crying to Ditka] I don't like coffee! It's a vasoconstrictor!

Buck Weston: [to Phil] Be warned, muchacho! You're in the show, now!

Barbara Weston: [trying to comfort an anguished Phil] Phil, I love you... Phil Weston: [crying] What does THAT have to do with ANYTHING?

Phil Weston: [to Barbara] Mike Ditka scares me! Have you ever looked into his eyes? Or at his hair?

Phil Weston: Hi, I'm Phil Weston and this is my son, Sam. I'm new to coffee... I was wondering if you could mix half of the regular version with half of the decaffinated version? Beantown Employees: [to coworker, annoyed] Half-Caff... Beantown Customers: Right, Half-Caff. Phil Weston: A Half-Caff! [to Sam] Phil Weston: We're gonna have a Half-Caff. Sam Weston: [to customer] We're gonna have a Half-Caff. Beantown Customers: [annoyed] Yay. Beantown Employees: Half-Caff. Phil Weston: Thanks. [takes a sip, it's way too hot and he drops the coffee] Phil Weston: Yowww! Mother of Pearl! Beantown Employees: [to Phil] You shoulda waited for the jacket. Phil Weston: Right... I just got too eager. Uh... Beantown Employees: [to coworker] 'nother Half-Caff! Beantown Customers: [more pissed] Right, 'nother Half-Caff! 
 * Phil Weston: Are you a robot-woman? Are you a robot?
 * Barbara Weston: I am not a robot!


 * Mike Ditka: Did you just kick your son?
 * Phil Weston: Yeah.


 * Umberto: [making the two boys recite] Prima la carne, prima la carne.
 * Gian Piero: Prima la carne.
 * Massimo: Prima la carne.
 * Phil Weston: What?
 * Umberto: Meat first, THEN soccer!
 * Phil Weston: Right, meat comes first!


 * Mike Ditka: New game plan - pass the ball to the EYEtalians!

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 * Phil Weston: [to Gian Piero and Massimo] Take the field. Taka the fielda.

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 * Phil Weston: This is Gian Piero and Massimo. They're apprentice butchers.
 * Mark Avery: Could the blacksmiths and candlestick makers not make it?
 * Mike Ditka: Shut up!

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 * Ann Hogan: Coach Ditka? Hi. Our son, Byong Sun, he's very shy, and we were wondering
 * [hands him a pad to autograph]
 * Mike Ditka: Sure, 'be happy to.
 * Ann Hogan: Thank you so much. It's Byong Sun
 * [spelling]
 * Ann Hogan: B-Y...
 * Mike Ditka: [autographing] I think I got it.
 * [hands it back to them]
 * Mike Ditka: Bye bye.
 * Mike Ditka: [to Phil, awkwardly] Just... a wonderful couple.
 * Ann Hogan: [looking at the autograph] What...
 * Donna Jones: "Bing Bong"?

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 * [Referee's hairpiece falls off; Byong Sun picks it up and puts it on]
 * Byong Sun: Look at me! I'm the Ref! I'm the Ref!
 * Referee: [chasing him] You little... give it back!
 * Phil Weston: [grabs it off Byong Sun and gives back] Sorry about that.
 * Bald Soccer Dad: How much do you think one of those things costs?
 * Phil Weston: I have no idea.

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 * Mike Ditka: I eat quitters and spit out their bones!

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 * [Phil, Barbara, and Sam arrive at Buck and Janice's home after the game]
 * Janice Weston: Hi, you guys!
 * Barbara Weston: Hi!
 * [hugs Janice]
 * Barbara Weston: Hi, Buck.
 * [she kisses him]
 * Buck Weston: Hey it's my two favorite people and Phil!
 * Phil Weston: Very funny, Dad. I've never heard that one before.

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 * Phil Weston: [Byong Sun uses a drinking cup to make popping noises] 'Scuse me... just... don't do that with the cup, okay?
 * [Byong Sun momentarily stops, embarrassed]

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 * Phil Weston: [passing out DVDs] These are instructional DVDs. Study them. Watch them. I only watched it once and already I learned this - it's called "Up and Over".
 * [he shows them this new kick, nearly wrecking the fireplace]
 * Phil Weston: [hears Barbara coming and passes the ball to Mark Avery] Here, hold this.
 * Barbara Weston: Guys, I told you, no playing soccer in the house.
 * Phil Weston: You did, you said it a lot.
 * Barbara Weston: Who did that?
 * Phil Weston: [pointing to Mark] He did.
 * The Tigers: HE DID!
 * Phil Weston: What? Nut'uh!
 * [the kids all descend upon him]

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 * Connor: Coach, did you order the pizzas yet?
 * Phil Weston: All in good time, Connor. But in the event the pizzas don't arrive, I have already made the decision... that we will eat Byong Sun.
 * [Byong Sun backs away from the campfire, freaked out]
 * Phil Weston: Okay, we're not gonna eat him. But he does look pretty appetizing, you have to admit.

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 * Sam Weston: You gotta lighten up.
 * Phil Weston: He started it!

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 * Phil Weston: Every time you say something back to me, it makes me love you more!

Buck Weston: Heh. <hr width="50%"/>
 * Sam Weston: How do you say pizza in Italian?
 * Gian Piero: Pizza!
 * Sam Weston: How do you say "spaghetti"?
 * Gian Piero: Spaghetti!
 * Ambrose: Italian's easy.

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 * Phil Weston: [on park pay phone with Umberto] I'm really getting sick and tired of this 'Meat Comes First' thing!
 * Party Guests: [singing] Happy Birthday to you! Happy...
 * Phil Weston: Quiet please! Shut up! I'm on the phone and you're not the only ones in the park!

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 * Phil Weston: So when i took over for coach Benson...
 * Clark: [interrupting] I hear he's a woman now!
 * Party Guests: [laughter]
 * Buck Weston: Oooh.
 * Phil Weston: Actually uh, truth be told, *no one* knows where he is right now. A lot of people are... concerned.
 * Party Guests: [laughter]
 * Phil Weston: I don't know *why* that's funny.
 * Party Guests: [applause]

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 * Mark Avery: Hey Buck, remember when we beat you at the championship game?
 * Buck Weston: Oh yeah, well remember the time when I shoved that kid into the pool?
 * [kicks Mark into the swimming pool]

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 * Phil Weston: Ok, you caught me. The finches were a bad idea. And I wasn't gonna say anything, but I think some of them may have salmonella. A fair amount, in fact. I may have inadvertently poisoned your children.

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 * Phil Weston: Pizza at my house!

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 * Mike Ditka: Every good thing starts with a Brat!

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 * Phil Weston: [javelin drops next to Barbara] Sorry. It's really windy!
 * Barbara Weston: [catching her breath] No it's not.
 * Phil Weston: It is over there.

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 * Mike Ditka: (after watching the Buck and Phil Weston commercial) These guys couldn't even win a Salad Bowl, let alone a Super Bowl!

Cast

 * Will Ferrell - Phil Weston (the new coach of the Tigers)
 * Robert Duvall - Buck Weston, Phil's father (the coach of the Gladiators)
 * Mike Ditka as Himself
 * Kate Walsh - Barbara Weston, Phil's wife
 * Josh Hutcherson - Bucky Weston, Buck & Janice's son and Phil's younger half-brother (Gladiators #10)
 * Steven Anthony Lawrence - Mark Avery (Tigers #5)
 * Dylan McLaughlin - Sam Weston, Phil & Barbara's son (former Gladiators #13 later new recruit Tigers #2)
 * Jeremy Bergman - Hunter Davidson (Tigers #9)
 * Elliott Cho - Byong Sun Hogan-Jones (Tigers #6)
 * Dallas McKinney - Connor Ryan (Tigers #1 from Goalie)
 * Rachael Harris - Ann Hogan, Byong Sun's adoptive mother
 * Dave Herman - Referee
 * Musetta Vander - Janice Weston, Buck's 2nd wife and Phil's stepmother
 * Laura Kightlinger - Donna Jones, Byong Sun's adoptive other mother
 * Erik Walker - Ambrose Hanna (Tigers #4)
 * Jim Turner - Jim Davidson "The Captain", Hunter's father
 * Francesco Liotti - Gian Piero (new recruit Tigers #7)
 * Alessandro Ruggiero - Massimo (new recruit Tigers #11)
 * Peter Jason - Clark
 * Randall May - Cornell Soccer consultant (uncredited)
 * Phill Lewis - John Ryan
 * Karly Rothenberg - Jack's Mom
 * Alex Borstein - Obnoxious Hummer Lady (uncredited)
 * Sammy Fine - Jack Watson
 * Timmy Deters - Alex
 * Joseph R. Sicari - Umberto
 * Stephen Rudrick - Young Ceeb
 * Stasi Glenn - Butcher shop employee
 * Martin Starr - Beantown customer