Kindergarten Cop

Kindergarten Cop is a 1990 film about a cop who goes undercover in Astoria to find the ex-wife and son of a drug dealer.
 * Directed by Ivan Reitman. Written by Murray Salem, Herschel Weingrod, and Timothy Harris.

Go ahead, you tell him you didn't do your homework.taglines

John Kimble

 * Oh, excuse me. I forgot to introduce myself. My name is John Kimble... [cocks gun] ...and I love my car.
 * If you don't stop screwing around back there, this is what I'm gonna do with you. [snaps pencil]
 * Come on! Stop whining! You kids are soft. You lack discipline. Well, I've got news for you. You are mine now! You belong to me! You're not gonna have your mommies from behind you anymore to wipe your little tushies! Oh no, it's time now to turn this mush into muscles. No more complaining. No more "Mr. Kimble, I have to go to the bathroom". Nothing! There is no bathroom!!!
 * [in German] This makes me angry as Hell! Now I'm angry!
 * SHUUUUUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!! SHUT UP!! Shut uup!! Shut up!
 * No, don't start this.
 * [to Eleanor] Go to Hell.
 * [to Crisp] It's murder one this time. Now you're mine.
 * [to a fat kid who stole his friends' lunches] Are these all your lunches? [lifts the kid who shakes his head in disagreement] You mean you eat other people's lunches? STOP IT!
 * [to the kids] Now Ms. O'Hara is going to talk to you about something very important, So I want you to pay real attention to what she has to say, Okay?''

Joyce Palmieri/Rachel Myatt Crisp

 * You know, kindergarten is like the ocean. You don't want to turn your back on it.

Phoebe O'Hara

 * [to Eleanor after she knocked her unconcious with a baseball bat] You're not so tough without your car, are you?

Cullen Crisp, Sr.

 * Kimble, you've wasted years chasing after me, and what has it got you? Huh? Nothing. I'll be out of here in a week, and you'll still be eating takeout food in that dump you live in. Yeah. I know all about you, Kimble. Without me, you wouldn't even have a life. My old lady left because of the money. Yours left because she just couldn't stand the sight of you.
 * [last words before he got shot 3 times in the chest by John Kimble, killing him] The boy... is mine! HE'S MY BOY! You get your own goddamn family!

Eleanor Crisp

 * Where's my grandson?
 * [last words before she got knocked unconscious with a baseball bat by Phoebe O'Hara and arrested for attempted murder of John Kimble] That's where you're going, you son of a bitch!

Dominic Palmieri/Cullen Crisp, Jr.

 * Mrs. Hagley is a lot better than you.

Other

 * Joseph: My dad's a gynecologist and he looks at vaginas all day long.

Dialogue

 * Police officer 1: Drop the gun!
 * Police officer 2: Yeah, that's right! Drop the gun!
 * Kimble: Hey! I'm a police officer. This is an arrest.
 * Crisp: This man's crazy. Look at him. He'll kill me. You're just going to stand there?
 * Police officer 1: Freeze!
 * Hairstylist: Jeez!
 * Kimble: [annoyed] I'm a cop, you idiot! I'm Detective John Kimble. This man is under arrest.


 * Kimble: How do I look?
 * Phoebe: Take off the gun.
 * Kimble: That's a good idea.
 * Phoebe: Little bastards are gonna eat you alive.
 * Kimble: Get some rest and don't worry. I've been working undercover for a long time. They're six-year-olds. How much trouble can they be?
 * Phoebe: On second thought, take the gun.


 * Kimble: Emma, take your toy back to the carpet.
 * Emma: I'm not a policeman, I'm a princess!
 * Kimble: [not in the mood] Take your toy back to the carpet!
 * Emma: [miserably] I'm not a policeman, I'm a princess!
 * Kimble: [loses his patience] TAKE IT BACK!
 * Emma: [timidly] All right.


 * Phoebe: Listen, Kimble. You've gotta handle this like any other police situation. You walk into it showing fear, you're dead. And those kids know you're scared.
 * Kimble: [nods] No fear.
 * Phoebe: No fear.


 * Miss Schlowski: Your teacher, Mrs. Hagley, had to go on an important trip for a few days.
 * Lisa: Where'd she go?
 * Miss Schlowski: That doesn't matter.
 * Lowell: Did she die?
 * Miss Schlowski: No, Lowell, she went to see someone.
 * Lowell: Did they die?
 * Miss Schlowski: No, Lowell.
 * Lowell: Everyone dies, you know.


 * Kimble: This is your new class mascot.
 * Boy: What happened to your dog?
 * Kimble: This is not a dog. This is a ferret.
 * Girl: What's a ferret?
 * Kimble: [showing them his ferret in a way] That's a ferret.
 * Kids: Oh.
 * Lowell: If he bites you, you get rabies and you die.
 * Kimble: No, that's not true. He never bites.
 * Girl: Can I pet him?
 * Kimble: Sure, but one at a time, okay?


 * [after his first day, John comes back and collapses on his bed]
 * Phoebe: John? Are you there? [tiredly walks into John's room] How did it go?
 * Kimble: Go away.
 * Phoebe: It went that well, huh?
 * Kimble: You take over tomorrow.
 * Phoebe: And blow our cover? Can't do it.
 * Kimble: They're horrible.
 * Phoebe: Tell me about it.


 * Joseph: Boys have a penis, and girls have a vagina.
 * [the kids laugh hysterically]
 * Kimble: [sarcastically] Thanks for the tip.


 * Kimble: I have a headache.
 * Lowell: It might be a tumor.
 * Kimble: It's not a tumor. It's not a tumor at all.


 * Kimble: What I meant was...you tell me...who is your daddy, and what does he do? Get it? (That's the premise of "Who Is My Daddy, And What Does He Do?") We start right here. [points to a girl] You.
 * Girl 1: My dad repairs cars driven by women who are pinheads.
 * Boy 1: My dad doesn't do anything since the crash.
 * Girl 2: My dad gives money to people that doesn't have money...then people use that money... then they give other money back and they give the same amount of money back to my dad.
 * Lowell: My dad doesn't live with us anymore. He lives in New York and drives a taxi. My mom hopes he's going to die real soon.
 * Girl 3: My dad watches TV all day long.
 * Emma: My dad works on computers, and he's, um, the boss of his company. And, um, he has a mustache and a beard.
 * Kimble: Mm-hmm.
 * Emma: Yeah. He doesn't have that much hair because...and he...his head is so big that he can't wear any hats.
 * Joshua: My dad's divorced. My mom's divorced.
 * Boy 4: My dad, um, is a psychologist...and he helps people that are hurt or lost their feelings... and, um, that's it.
 * Tina and Rina: Our mom says that our dad is a real sex machine.
 * Kimble: Good.
 * Dominic: I don't know what my dad does. I haven't seen him in a long time. He lives in France.
 * Joseph: My dad is a gynecologist, and he looks at vaginas all day long.


 * Miss Schlowski: I want you to answer one more question, and don't lie. What did it feel like to hit that son of a bitch?
 * Kimble: It felt great.


 * Kimble: Freeze! [the two kissing children scream out of fright; annoyed] Don't you know the building is on fire?
 * Kissing Boy: We thought it was another drill.
 * Kissing Girl: Yeah.
 * Kimble: Well, get out!
 * Kissing Boy: Yes, sir.


 * Thug: So, who are you, man? [Kimble cocks his shotgun] [alarmed] SHIT! [jumps away just in time for Kimble shoot and destroy the sofa]
 * Kimble: [smugly] I'm the party pooper.

Taglines

 * An undercover cop in a class by himself.
 * Go ahead, you tell him you didn't do your homework.
 * He's the toughest undercover cop in LA. If you're bad he'll know it. If you're hiding something he'll find out. If you cheat he can tell. Now...
 * It's a jungle gym out there.

Cast

 * Arnold Schwarzenegger - Detective John Kimble
 * Justin Page - Zach Sullivan (boy of number 1 the Kimble's Class)
 * Peter Rakow - Joshua (boy of number 2 the Kimble's Class)
 * Sarah Rose Karr - Emma (girl of number 3 the Kimble's Class)
 * Marissa Rosen - Samantha (girl of number 4 the Kimble's Class)
 * Ben McCreary - Lowell (boy of number 5 the Kimble's Class)
 * Miko Hughes - Joseph (boy of number 6 the Kimble's Class)
 * Robert Cave - John (boy of number 7 the Kimble's Class)
 * Ben Diskin - Sylvester (boy of number 8 the Kimble's Class)
 * Tameka Runnels - Keisha (girl of number 9 the Kimble's Class)
 * Medha Garg - Latiana (girl of number 10 the Kimble's Class)
 * Brian Wagner - William (boy of number 11 the Kimble's Class)
 * John Graas - Kevin (boy of number 12 the Kimble's Class)
 * Jimmy Darrin Jackson III - Sedgewinn (boy of number 13 the Kimble's Class)
 * Ian Baumer - Sam (boy of number 14 the Kimble's Class)
 * Amy Wald - Sarah (girl of number 15 the Kimble's Class)
 * Tiffany Mataras - Tina, Rina’s twin sister (girl of number 16 the Kimble's Class)
 * Krystle Mataras - Rina, Tina’s twin sister (girl of number 17 the Kimble's Class)
 * James Chance - Matthew (boy of number 18 the Kimble's Class)
 * Adam Wylie - Larry (boy of number 19 the Kimble's Class)
 * Nicole Nagorsky - Heather (girl of number 20 the Kimble's Class)
 * Ross Malinger - Harvey (boy of number 21 the Kimble's Class)
 * Amber Reaves - Mary (girl of number 22 the Kimble's Class)
 * Odette Yustman - Rosa (girl of number 23 the Kimble's Class)
 * Tina Hart - Dorothy (girl of number 24 the Kimble's Class)
 * Emily Ann Lloyd - Jennifer (girl of number 25 the Kimble's Class)
 * Haley Urman - Courtney (girl of number 26 the Kimble's Class)
 * Bethany Allyn - Catherine (girl of number 27 the Kimble's Class)
 * Zachary Marsh - Nick (boy of number 28 the Kimble's Class)
 * Anthony Wong - Tom (boy of number 19 the Kimble's Class
 * Remone Bradley - Erwin (boy of number 30 the Kimble's Class)
 * Penelope Ann Miller - Joyce Palmieri, Dominic's adoptive mother/Rachel Crisp, Cullen Jr's birth mother
 * Pamela Reed - Detective Phoebe O'Hara, John's partner
 * Linda Hunt - Miss Schlowski
 * Richard Tyson - Cullen Crisp, Cullen Jr's biological father
 * Carroll Baker - Eleanor Crisp, Cullen Jr's biological grandmother
 * Cathy Moriarty - Jillian, Sylvester's mother
 * Christian and Joseph Cousins - Dominic Palmieri/Cullen Crisp, Jr.
 * Jayne Brook - Mrs. Sullivan, Zach's mother