King of the Hill (season 1)


 * Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 | Main

King of the Hill (1997-2010) was an American animated sitcom that aired on Fox. The show centers around the Hill family, whose head is the ever-responsible, hard-working, loyal, disciplined, and honest Hank Hill.

Pilot [1.01]

 * Bill Dauterive: [first lines] Yep.
 * Dale Gribble: [first lines] Yep.
 * Hank Hill: [first lines] Yep.
 * Jeff Boomhauer: [first lines] Mmm-Hmm.
 * Bill Dauterive: You know what it could be… That Dane started motor! You’re getting good compression…
 * Hank Hill: Yeah!
 * Dale Gribble: I know what's wrong with it. It's a Ford. You know what they say Ford stands for, don't ya? It stands for 'Fix it again, Tony'.
 * Hank Hill: You're thinking of a Fiat, Dale.
 * Dale Gribble: "Fix... it... again..."


 * Hank Hill: Whatcha listenin' to, son?
 * Bobby Hill: I don't think you'd like it.
 * Hank Hill: Well, why not? I like this new generation of music. [puts headphones on]
 * Old woman on tape: Hello?

[The tape erupts into sudden flatulence]
 * Hank Hill: [takes headphones off] Mother of God, it's all toilet sounds! Where did you record this?
 * Bobby Hill: I bought it at the mall! It's the Funny Phone Jerks!
 * Hank Hill: Let me tell you, Bobby, there's nothing "funny" about these sounds! What that person on your tape has is a medical disorder. Now you get ready for the game, OK?
 * Bobby Hill: Yes, sir.
 * Hank Hill: [leaving Bobby's room] That boy ain't right.

 The Hill family on the way to Bobby's baseball game.
 * Hank Hill: So, are you ready to kick some Wildcat butt, Bobby?
 * Bobby Hill: Okay.
 * Peggy Hill: Nah, don't you worry, son. You just do your best.
 * Hank Hill: Don't listen to her, Bobby. If you wanna win, you're gonna have to do better than your best.
 * Bobby Hill: How do I do that?
 * Hank Hill: You gotta give a hundred and ten percent. That's what'll give you that winnin' edge.
 * Bobby Hill: But what if the Wildcats give a hundred and ten percent, too?
 * Hank Hill: Well, then you gotta try even harder.
 * Peggy Hill: How about if Bobby gave a hundred and twelve percent?
 * Hank Hill: Ahm ... sure, that'd work.
 * Bobby Hill: Or maybe a hundred and thirteen?
 * Hank Hill: [Annoyed] Yeah, yeah, that's even better.
 * Peggy Hill: No, uh, I don't know. Thirteen is a very unlucky number.
 * Hank Hill: Look, we're not talking about thirteen. We're talking about a hundred and thirteen, and even ... uh ... okay, give a hundred and twelve, what's the difference? Look, Bobby. Just do your best, okay?

 Hank and Bobby at the Mega Lo Mart after Bobby got a black eye at his baseball game.
 * Hank Hill: Excuse me, where's the hardware department?
 * Buckley: [Clueless] Where is the hardware department? Uhm, hm, what exactly is it you're looking for?
 * Hank Hill: The hardware department.
 * Buckley: Yeah, but are you looking for like a tool or something?
 * Hank Hill: What difference does it make?
 * Buckley: Huh, what difference does it make?
 * Hank Hill: Okay, I'm lookin' for a tap and die and some WD-40.
 * Buckley: Huh, what is it that you're trying to do?
 * Hank Hill: [Losing patience] I'm tryin' to buy a tap and die and some WD-40 and get out of this God-forsaken store!
 * Buckley: Uh ... and what is a tap-and-die?
 * Hank Hill: [angrily] Okay, forget it! Let's say I want a hammer. Do you know what a hammer is? That's what I want, a damned hammer! Now where in the hell would I go?

As this exchange goes on, the camera cuts to two other women shopping nearby. Hank is still yelling at Buckley in the background.
 * Nearby Customer 1: Hey, that's that Hank Hill fella that lives on the block next to us.
 * Nearby Customer 2: He sure has a temper, doesn't he?
 * Nearby Customer 1: Sure does. Makes you wonder who gave his boy that black eye.

Bobby knocks over some cans swinging a cardboard roll around.
 * Buckley: You're gonna have to pay for that, dude.
 * Hank Hill: [Shouting] YOU'RE FIRED!!

 Hank is fixing his truck.
 * Hank Hill: [referring to the sound of Bobby throwing a baseball at the living room wall] Dammit! There it is again! Where is that thumpin' comin' from? It's drivin' me crazy!
 * Dale Gribble: Could be far-off helicopters... U.N. helicopters.
 * Hank Hill: Dale! What're you doin'? Give me some light! Now! I--I can't see! (Hank drops his wrench) Ow, my arm! (The hood closes) Ow, my head!

Dale runs off.  A Child Protective Services worker interviews the family after a report for Bobby's black eye.
 * Anthony Page: Mr. Hill, I feel that you're coming from an anger mindset, and if you're projecting this anger onto me, it gives me grave concerns as to how you facilitate your son's growth in private.
 * Hank Hill: Mister, I have not begun to project my anger onto you!


 * Anthony Page: Please, Mr. Hill? Loud is not allowed.
 * Hank Hill: What the- "Loud is not allowed"? Now you listen to me, mister. (patriotic music starts to play as hank gets increasingly angrier) I work for a livin', and I mean real work, not writin' down gobbledegook! I provide the people of this community with propane and propane accessories. Oh, when I think of all my hard earned tax dollars goin' ta pay a bunch of little twig-boy bureaucrats like you, it just makes me wanna ... oh ... oh God ... it just ... (record scratch)
 * Peggy Hill: Hank?
 * Hank Hill: Honey, bring me my BC headache powder and a glass of water.
 * Peggy Hill: Alright, Hank.
 * Hank Hill: Now you listen here. You see that boy? (music resumes) That's my boy! And if you ever try to take him away, so help me God, I'll tear ya a new one bigger'n the Grand Canyon! Now I want you to get out of my house. You're not welcome here! I mean NOW, before I give YOU a black eye! GIT!


 * Bill Dauterive Dale, are you sure you want to be messin' with Hank's truck when he's not around?
 * Dale Gribble: I'm gonna help get him this alternator off. (Dale cuts a wire).
 * Bill: Ah, Dale, I think ya released the brake cable! Dale?
 * Dale: No, I didn't. (The truck crashes into the garage door). I guess I'd better get goin', ah, I got some edging to do. (Dale grabs his cap out of the engine and he, along with Bill and Boomhauer, run back to their homes).


 * Dale Gribble: Hey, I know what's wrong with your truck. It's your "quote-unquote" pollution controls. I heard on talk radio you don't even need them. They're just an egghead government plot.
 * Hank Hill: How is cutting down on pollution a government plot, Dale?
 * Dale Gribble: Open up your eyes, man. They're trying to control global warming. Get it? GLO-BAL.
 * Hank Hill: So what?
 * Dale Gribble: That's code for U.N. commissars telling Americans what the temperature's going to be in our outdoors. I say let the world warm up, see what Boutros Boutros-Ghali-Ghali thinks about that! We'll grow oranges in Alaska.
 * Hank Hill: Dale, you giblet-head, we live in Texas. It's already 110°[F] in the summer, and if it gets one degree hotter, I'm gonna kick your ass!


 * Hank Hill: Bobby, you can't make an omelette without breakin' eggs, and you can't get on base without takin' a swing.
 * Bobby Hill: The pitcher could walk me, couldn't he?
 * Hank Hill: Don't play lawyer-ball, son.


 * Boomhauer: [discussing Seinfeld] See that part where dang ol' George come in there, he talks 'bout tastin' his own burp and Kramer comes slidin' in there just like he always does. I tell ya what, man, them dang ol' New York boys, just a show about nothin'.

 Bobby is talking with Joseph.
 * Bobby: (Mocking his dad) Git out my house! My boy ain't much, but he's all I got!


 * Hank: (Hank is lying on the bed) It's hard, Peggy. I don't wanna lose my little boy. My only son. But, oh, it's hard.
 * Peggy: Well, you can relax. The investigation has been off for a week, only Bobby didn't tell us.
 * Hank: [Yelling furiously] I'LL KILL HIM!!!!!
 * Peggy: Alright, calm down, honey. Now, let me explain. He didn't do it to be mean, Bobby honestly doesn't think you love him all the time.
 * Hank: That's crazy, 'Course I love him.
 * Peggy: Very good. Now, say it to Bobby.
 * Hank: What are you talkin' about?
 * Peggy: I want you to tell Bobby that your love for him is unconditional.
 * Hank: Well, I can't say that. I can't! You know how I was raised! What my father's like!
 * Cotton: (shown in a flashback to Hank's youth) I got my shins blowed off by a Japanman's machine gun, so don't come cryin' to me with your problems!
 * Peggy: Honey, I'm begging you. For the sake of this family, you have got to do it. He's waiting for you out on the porch.
 * Hank: Ah, jeez. Twig-boy coming over here... (Hank goes outside and talks to Bobby)'' Uh, you, uh, you're my son, uh, well, you know with everything uh, that entails, uh...
 * Bobby: Uh-huh.
 * Hank: Uh, huh, you know, uh, feelings of, uh, fondness, and more, uh, heh, uh, you know what I mean, don't you, boy?
 * Bobby: No.
 * Hank: Uhh, well uh, (Hank makes a weird sound) Huh, that's a hell of a weird sound, I've never made that before. Uh, I, you, uh, family. You're not making this easy on me, boy. (sighs) Okay, I love you no matter what you do. There, phew, let's go get something to eat.
 * Bobby: I'm not, just a big disappointment to you?
 * Hank: Disappointment? No, you make me proud. I've been disappointed by just about everything else in this town, but you? Not once. Dammit, you're my boy. Heh, you know better than that. (Bobby laughing)
 * Anthony Page: He punched him! I, I knew it! I told them! Did-did you see that?
 * Bus Passenger: See what, twig-boy?
 * Anthony Page: (sighs) Never mind.

Square Peg [1.02]
 Peggy Hill attempts to tell Bobby about the facts of life.
 * Peggy Hill: Now, Bobby, you may have noticed that there is a difference between a man and a woman.

Bobby remains silent
 * Peggy: ...a rather obvious difference.

Bobby remains silent for a few more moments
 * Bobby: You mean the penis?

Peggy, unsure of how to proceed, stands up and walks out of the room totally mute. 
 * Hank walks into the kitchen, Peggy is finishing up a phone call:
 * Hank: Hey there Peg-Leg!
 * Peggy: That was Bobby's principal. Some right-wing maniac just called the health teacher with a death threat and she quit.
 * Hank: Oh well. I'm sure it was just some harmless nutcase.

(cut to Dale struggling to open his beer properly)
 * Hank: Hey, on the bright side, since there's no one to teach that sex-ed course, we can put all this ugliness back in the closet.
 * Peggy: Oh, no, Hank. They found someone. They found the Substitute Teacher of the Year.
 * Hank: Uh, 1995?
 * Peggy: [No, me, the winner of] 1996.
 * (Hank grimaces. Cut to commercial)


 * The phone is ringing at the Hill residence. Hank picks it up:
 * Hank: Hello?
 * Threatening caller: (hoarse voice) You don't know who I am, but I know where you live, and if you teach that sex-ed class, so help me, I-
 * Hank: Dale? Is that you?
 * Dale: (normal voice) Oh. Hank. Uh, can I speak with Peggy?
 * Hank: Uh, Peggy, it's for you. It's Dale.
 * Peggy: Y'ello, Dale.
 * Dale: (hoarse voice) You don't know where I am, but I know where you live...

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 * Peggy is attempting to say the names of reproductive organs for a sexual education class.:
 * Peggy: Happiness. Happ-i-ness. Ha-penis. Penis. I did it! Ovaries. Uvula. Uterus. VAAAGINA!
 * [Hank does a spit-take with his beer.]:
 * Peggy: Hey Hank, I just said...
 * Hank: I heard ya! The whole neighborhood can hear you cussing!
 * Peggy: It's not cussing Hank, to say the name of a god-given body part.
 * Hank: Well it is if it's the part of a body that was meant to be concealed by an undergarment. You're dealing with organs that people just don't want to know about.
 * Peggy: Well, Bobby ought to know about 'em. We don't want him growing up as repressed as we did.
 * Hank: Sure we do. I'm drawing the line here, Peggy. My son is not gonna learn this crazy crap! It says right here that he can't take the class without permission from both his parents!
 * Peggy: Now, just hold on. Are you saying I'm not good enough to teach my own son?!
 * Hank: If you do not approve, you do not have to sign, and I do not approve. Permission denied!

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 * [Dale is leaving a message on the Hill's answering machine]
 * Dale Gribble: You don't know who I am, but I know where you live and you better cut it out if you know what's good for you. Oh, and Hank, we changed that tee-off time to 3:00.

The Order of the Straight Arrow [1.03]

 * Hank Hill: [As a child] When I grow up, I want to sell propane and propane accessories, if my grades are good enough!

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 * Bill: I'm so depressed I can't even blink.

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 * Hank Hill: We of the Order of the Straight Arrow call upon the spirit Wematanye, protector of the sacred ground that brings us cool water to drink and energy-efficient clean-burning propane gas for all our sacred heating and cooking needs. Wematanye says, respect the earth! She's ours, by God, our taxes pay for Her. Also, it says here you gotta love all Her creatures. Let's see...oh, here we go: Though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death, you're gonna recommend us to the spirit in the sky, with liberty and justice for all. Wematanye is with you, and with Texas. Amen.

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Hank's Got the Willies [1.04]

 * Hank: Santa Claus is for babies!
 * Bill: [sad] You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch!

--
 * Hank: [Bobby] seems bent on destroying everything I own. Why can't he turn that energy into something useful, like that boy with no legs who ran across Canada?

Luanne's Saga [1.05]

 * Hank Hill: Your heart is telling you?! Who's the boss, you or your heart?  You are!  Your heart is your employee!  So get your heart off its butt and back to work!

Hank's Unmentionable Problem [1.06]
Peggy is dreaming about Hank's funeral.
 * Bill Dauterive: He looks like an angel. A dead angel.
 * Boomhauer: (crying) Why, man, dang ol' why, why?!
 * Dale Gribble: It should have been Bill!
 * Peggy Hill: Oh, Hank. We never got a chance to talk about your problem. And now... we never will.
 * C. Everett Koop: Remember, early detection is the key. Now pass in your algebra homework.

Bill, Boomhauer, Dale and Peggy produce said homework and give it to Koop. Peggy gasps. Hank's coffin is lowered into grave.
 * Cotton Hill: Goodbye, boy. See you in HELL!

Cotton turns a toilet handle on Hank's headstone. Hank's coffin is sucked into the ground. Peggy lets out one last wail of despair before she suddenly wakes up. <hr width="50%"/>
 * Nancy Gribble: (on TV) The temperature is a pleasant 70 degrees. And on a more personal note, I'd like to wish my friend Hank Hill a quick recovery from his embarrassing consti-

Hank changes the channel.
 * C. Everett Koop: -pation.


 * Hank Hill: (While constipated and watching his dog poo outside) Showoff.
 * Hank Hill:"Don't touch me. I'm on the John."

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 * [last lines]
 * Hank Hill: You might have noticed in tonight's episode, there is some brief nudity. Now, as an actor, I only do nudity when I feel the script warrants it. And I thought tonight's episode only warranted seeing the side of my rump. You can believe me when I tell you the Fox executives were pushing for a whole lot more. If any of you were offended by my body, I'm truly sorry. Good night.

Westie Side Story [1.07]

 * Hank Hill: What the hell kind of country is this where I can only hate a man if he's white?

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 * Peggy Hill: Do you... do you think my feet are too big, Hank?
 * Hank Hill: No, hon. Just... more of you to love.

[He takes a step forward towards her, like an on-screen embrace]
 * Peggy Hill: Ow.

[Hanks looks down to see he's stepping on Peggy's feet]
 * Hank Hill: Oh, sorry.

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 * Minh Souphanousinphone: Kahn, please. For once try not to piss off neighbor. We kicked out of Laos, we kicked out of Anaheim... I tired of running.

<hr width="50%"/> Hank meets Kahn for the first time.
 * Hank Hill: So are you Chinese or Japanese?
 * Kahn Souphanousinphone: I live in California last twenty year, but, ah... first come from Laos.
 * Hank Hill: Huh?
 * Kahn Souphanousinphone: Laos. We Laotian.
 * Bill Dauterive: The ocean? What ocean?
 * Kahn Souphanousinphone: We are Laotian--from Laos, stupid! It's a landlocked country in Southeast Asia. It's between Vietnam and Thailand, okay? Population: 4.7 million.

Hank ponders this for a few seconds.
 * Hank Hill: So are you Chinese or Japanese?
 * Kahn Souphanousinphone: [groans]

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 * Bobby Hill: Dad, look. Ladybird and Doggie like eachother.
 * Hank Hill: Of course they do, Son, they're neighbors. [to Kahn] Y'know, Kahn, I just found a breeding partner for my Ladybird. If you're interested in having a real American dog, I can give-
 * [cut to Doggie mounting Ladybird]
 * Hank Hill: What the hell?! Get him off! Get him off of her! [Hank grabs Kahn's watering hose and sprays Doggie and Ladybird]
 * Kahn Souphanousinphone: [laughter] Your Ladybird, she real slut!
 * Hank Hill: Ladybird is not a slut! She is in heat. Her hormones have overwhelmed her natural modesty.
 * [Hank goes to get Ladybird. She stubbornly refuses to move, and Hank struggles to pull her away by the collar]
 * Hank Hill: For Pete's sake, would you tie up your dog?!
 * Kahn Souphanousinphone: You tie your dog. She seduce my Doggie.
 * Hank Hill: That's ridiculous, Ladybird can only love another purebred Georgia Bloodhound.
 * [tense music plays]
 * Kahn Souphanousinphone: You know what I think, Hank Hill? I think you're a narrow-minded redneck!
 * Hank Hill: Oh, I get it: Just because I'm from Texas, I gotta be some kind of redneck! Chinese and their stupid stereotypes...
 * Kahn Souphanousinphone: Get off my property!

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 * Hank Hill: Please, Kahn. You're burning them! That's too much char.
 * Kahn Souphanousinphone: Shut mouth and open mouth.

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 * Dale Gribble: They'll probably get you with a blow-dart; that's their way. But you'll just think its a mosquito bite until you die, then you'll know the truth.

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 * Kahn Souphanousinphone:: I could just stay home, order a bucket of chicken and watch Hee Haw; same thing [as going to the Hills' for dinner].

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 * Hank Hill: You know Kahn, we may deny our kids completely different deserts, but they both go to bed hungry, and that's what really matters.

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 * [last lines]
 * Minh Souphanousinphone: Rabbit, you rednecks will eat anything!

Shins of the Father [1.08]
The Hills, their neighbors, and sundry guests are congregated around a table as Bobby opens his presents.
 * Cotton Hill: Mr. Kahn, I'll have a Mai Tai.
 * Kahn Souphanousinphone: (offended) What- what you think?! I work for Hank?!
 * Hank Hill: Uh, dad, this here's my new neighbor.
 * Dale Gribble: (sotto, to Cotton) He's Japanese.
 * Cotton Hill: No he ain't. (visually inspects Kahn for a moment) He's Laotian. Ain't you, Mr. Kahn?

Cotton walks offscreen. Kahn looks at the camera with a surprised expression. <hr width="50%"/> Cotton discovers that Bobby began a sexist riot at his school.
 * Cotton Hill: Bobby, I'm proud of what you did at school today....So I'm buyin' you a hooker! Go ahead pick yourself out a live one.

<hr width="50%"/> Hank thanks Cotton for bringing a horse ("Oh Dad, you didn't have to do this.")
 * Cotton Hill: Well, you know me-- I'm larger than life.

<hr width="50%"/> Cotton tells the story of how he was injured in WWII: "I was 14, just a little older than Bobby. But I knew Uncle Sam needed me, so I lied and signed up. We had beat the Nazzies in Italy, and they shipped me to the Pacific theater. A Tojo torpedo sent our troop ship to the bottom. I could only save three of my buddies: Fatty, Stinky, and Brooklyn. They were kind of like you fellas [to Bill, Dale, and Boomhauer], only one of them was from Brooklyn. Out of the sun came a Tojo Zero and put fitty bullets in my back. The blood attracted sharks. I had to give 'em Fatty. Then things took a turn for the worse. I made it to an island, but it was full of Tojos! They were spitting on the U.S. flag! So I rushed 'em, but it was a trap. They opened fire and blew my shins off. Last thing I remember, I beat 'em all to death with a big piece of Fatty. I woke up in a field hospital, and they were sewing my feet to my knees." <hr width="50%"/>
 * Bobby Hill: [Speaking to Joseph about Connie]: Oow. She's moody. Must be PBS.

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 * Cotton Hill: [to Luanne] You will never know if you are attractive. It's up to a man to tell you that. You keep eating, and I'll tell you when to stop.
 * [Cotton slaps Luanne's rear end]
 * Luanne: Touch me again, and you'll be wearing that cornpone, old man.
 * Cotton Hill: Hoo-wee! Fiesty!

Peggy the Boggle Champ [1.09]

 * Peggy: Now, Minh, the game of Boggle is really quite simple. The goal is to make words out of these 25 letter cubes. [shakes the tray and slams it on the table] Ho yeah!
 * [Peggy lifts the cover and the game begins]
 * Minh: Ba mee tom yum.
 * Nancy: It's gotta be a real word, honey.
 * Minh Yes! Ba mee tom yum, Thai spicy noodle soup! Tasty and delicious.

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 * Dale: I'll tell you, I hate to see Nancy cooped up all Sunday playing that Boggle. It's a beautiful day! She oughta be outside hanging my laundry!

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 * Luanne: Boy, Aunt Peg, the words I don’t know could fill a dictionary.

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 * Nancy: You know, the Elks are having a Boggle tournament in order to raise bail money for their treasurer. Maybe you should enter.
 * Peggy: Me? Oh, fish, I just play for fun! Minh, you owe me $13.
 * Minh:: [gives Peggy her money] Thank you for Boggle lesson, Peggy Hill! Maybe next week I teach you mahjong. Bring your checkbook!

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 * Peggy: Hank, I'm thinking of entering a Boggle tournament over at the Elks.
 * Hank Boggle? Boy, the Elks will do anything for a dollar. Are they still playing that game where the cow's gotta drop dung in a square?
 * Peggy: Boggle is nothing like cow bingo, Hank. Boggle is a game of wits. Now, cow bingo is a game of strategy.

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 * Dale: Boy, that wife of yours is pretty good! I guess that's why they call her your "better half!" [chuckles]
 * Hank Who calls her that?!
 * [beat]
 * Dale: …They.

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 * Peggy: Hey, you wanna be my coach?
 * Hank: A Boggle coach? What would I do?
 * Peggy: Well, Hank, you don't have to do anything, you just have to be there. Unless you want me to go up to Dallas by myself.
 * Hank: Dallas? I don't want you going to Dallas at all! That place is crawling with crack heads and debutantes. And half of them play for the Cowboys.

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 * [Hank is checking in at the Dallas hotel front desk]
 * Hank: Checking in. The name's Hank Hill.
 * Concierge: Hmmm… nope. I have a "Peggy Hill".
 * Hank: Yeah, that's it, "Hank and Peggy Hill".
 * Concierge: I have a "Peggy Hill"!
 * Hank: She's my wife.
 * Concierge: Okay, uh, "Mr. and Mrs. Peggy Hill".
 * Hank: [hits the table with his fist with each exclamation point, ringing the bell and summoning one bellhop behind him each time] Now you listen to me! The name is HANK! Hill! Mister! Hank! Hill! Peggy married ME! I didn't marry HER!
 * [Hank looks behind at the small crowd of bellhops now behind him]
 * Hank: WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!

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 * Peggy: [crying] I am so stupid!
 * Hank: Aw, you're not stupid. Heck, you're smarter than me.
 * Peggy: Oh, big deal!
 * Hank: Well, you're smarter than anyone else in Arlen.
 * Peggy: Well, whoop-dee-do! I am the smartest hillbilly in Hillbillytown!
 * Hank: I-I'm trying Peggy. I just… hey, you know Coach used to say something that would fire us up when we were behind?
 * Peggy: Yeah? What?
 * Hank: LOSER! YOU'RE A LOSER! ARE YOU FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF?! WELL, YOU SHOULD BE CAUSE YOU ARE DIRT! YOU MAKE ME SICK, YOU BIG BABY! BABY WANT A BOTTLE?! A BIG DIRT BOTTLE?!
 * Peggy: [crying harder] WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?!
 * Hank: Uh, well, I'm trying to be your coach. I… It's… It's inspiring!
 * Peggy Hill: Well, thank you, cause I feel worse than ever!
 * Hank Hill: Well, it worked for the team.
 * Peggy: No it didn't! You went to State and lost!
 * Hank: Ah, jeez! I think I need one of those $8 beers.

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 * [Boomhauer is playing a virtual reality mowing simulator.]
 * Boomhauer: Man that dang ol' piece of crap dang ol' blocked up, [reaches into the mower to get the grass out] g-get grass out there that-- [sees that his fingers have been chopped off in the game] AHH! I AIN'T GOT NO FINGERS!

Keeping Up With Our Joneses [1.10]

 * Hank Hill: Is this John occupied? ¿Es esta Juan occupado?
 * Bobby Hill: Sí.
 * Hank Hill: Bobby?
 * [He rips the public bathroom door open to see Bobby and Joseph smoking a cigarette. Everyone is in shock]

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 * Dale Gribble: Joseph, I understand you smoked your first cigarette today.
 * Joseph Gribble: Dad, I'm sorry! I'll never smoke again.
 * Dale Gribble: Whoa, hold on, son! I want you to keep an open mind so you can make an informed decision. If you want, you can read a bloated government report on smoking or go straight to the horse's mouth and get the facts from the tobacco industry!

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 * Hank Hill: For God's sakes, Bobby, what nationality are you?
 * Bobby Hill: American.
 * Hank Hill: Then why are you holding your cigarette like some kind of European Nazi in a movie?
 * Bobby Hill: Why does it matter?
 * Hank Hill: That's not the right sort of attitude for you to have. Whatever you do, you should do right, even if it's something wrong.

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 * Hank Hill: Uh, I got to go do some stuff. I think I might have left the blender on.

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 * Peggy Hill: [to Bobby] Bobby, smoking is a nasty, filthy filthy habit and only trailer trash smoke nowadays. Now do you wanna look like trailer trash?
 * Luanne Platter: That's not fair! I don't smoke! [she starts crying runs away in tears]
 * Peggy Hill: Ah, Lu- uh. Lord, Hank you finish this. Oh, honey, you are not trash just 'cause you grew up in a trailer and your mama's in prison.

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 * Peggy Hill: Uh, Hank, there is a "tile" in the bathroom that I think we missed.
 * Hank Hill: Really? Well, I better check that out.
 * [Hank goes into the bathroom, sees a cigarette, smokes a few puffs, then returns to the kitchen]
 * Hank Hill: Heh-heh-heh. Well, I found the "tile" — thank you very much, Peggy — and I looked at it but there's still some more "tile" for you to look at.
 * Peggy Hill: You know, I think I will save the rest of my "tile" for after breakfast.
 * Bobby Hill: Will you stop talking about your stupid tile?! If it's so dirty go clean it, and if it's clean you can shut up!!
 * [He stubs out his breakfast sausage as if it were a cigarette and leaves the table]

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 * Hank Hill: [at a cold turkey support group meeting, glaring at the counselor] I got the strangest feeling someone's gonna kick his ass.

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 * Kick the Butt Club Counselor: Hey, there, why don't you tell us your name and how long you've been smoking.
 * Hank Hill: Uh, I'd rather not.
 * Kick the Butt Club Counselor: I understand. It's not easy to admit we're weak.
 * Hank Hill: You're calling me weak?!? Look at your little birdy arms, they're no thicker than a cigarette! I could smoke them little arms!

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 * Kick the Butt Club Counselor: Is this your son? It's beautiful how you came out to support your daddy.
 * Bobby Hill: I'm a smoker, too.
 * Everyone gasps.
 * Kick the Butt Club Counselor: Oh, no. How long have you been addicted to cigarettes?
 * Bobby Hill: Since my dad let me smoke a whole carton.
 * Hank Hill: Wait a minute, I didn't let him, I made him. It was a punishment.
 * [Everyone murmurs in anger, disgusted with Hank]
 * Bill Dautrieve: Can I get a new buddy?
 * Audience member: What is wrong with him?
 * Kick the Butt Club Counselor: You are sick, sir! You shouldn't be allowed to have children!
 * Hank Hill: Now hold on a minute here. I didn't bring my family here to be yelled at. I don't think I like this club. You all whine too much, and the coffee's bad. I'll tell you what you need to do. You need to take a thirteenth step... down off your high horse!

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 * Luanne Platter: Here's to three of the bravest individuals in all of Arlen. To the Hills and their tobacco-free future!
 * Hank Hill: My God, are you still talking?!
 * Bobby Hill: Why's my potato got skin on it? I hate skin!
 * Peggy Hill: I will not sit here and have my work insulted! What, do you think the potatoes just fly into the bowl and mash themselves?!!
 * Luanne Platter: I know y'all don't mean none of those harsh words. It's just the nicotine withdrawal.
 * Hank Hill: Why is she still talking?!!

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 * Luanne Platter: [after finding Peggy hiding in the closet with a cigarette] I found her.
 * Peggy Hill: Close the damn door!! Can't you see that I am knitting!!
 * Bobby Hill: Mom. Hand over the cigarette!
 * Peggy Hill: Nooooo!
 * Bobby Hill: Mom this is not your son, this is your buddy!
 * Peggy Hill: NOOOOO!!
 * Bobby Hill: Hand it over!!

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 * Luanne Platter: [locking the family in the bedroom] I'm crating ya'll in like an unruly dog. I am sick of dysfunctional families. I came from one, and I am not gonna let it happen to you. Function!! Function damn you!!!

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 * Peggy Hill: Okay. Women and children first. I take the first puff, Bobby here get's the second, if there's anything left...you.
 * Hank Hill: Who are you trying to kid? We all know there won't be anything left. Lets you and me split it Peg! It'll be romantic! You know like the old days, before he came along!
 * Bobby Hill: Momma. It's your son. Nine months inside remember? Those were good times too!
 * Peggy Hill: I don't know. Now this is just happening too fast, I just don't know.
 * Hank Hill: Well I do! Come on Bobby, you and I can take her! You go high, I'll go low!

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 * Peggy Hill: Well, look at us. At each other's throats. And after all we've been through. This family has survived fires and twisters and every strain of flu the Orient could throw at us. Well, we are not going to be done in by a lousy tobacco leaf. We're gonna make it. Together.

King of the Ant Hill [1.11]
(Note: the following quote comes from a deleted scene)
 * Kahn Souphanousinphone: Put on shoes, hillbilly!

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 * Kahn Souphanousinphone: Where I come from we got this thing called karma. You do something bad, it come back and bite you in the ass! Big, white, stubborn ass!

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 * Bobby Hill: (Hypnotized by the Queen)...YES... ...MY... ...QUEEN...

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 * Hank Hill: (on his mower, talking to an anthill) Put your head between your six legs and kiss your butt good-bye! (runs over the anthill)

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 * [Dale had just destroyed Hank's lawn. Dale passes by Hank's lawn while Peggy is talking to Hank.]
 * Hank Hill: [After just noticing Dale] DALE!
 * [Dale yells and hurries to his van.]
 * Dale Gribble: Oh, man!
 * Hank Hill: Dale, you went too far this time! Come back here! [Starts chasing Dale] Come here! I'm gonna kick your ass!
 * Dale Gribble: No! NO!
 * Hank Hill: I'm gonna kick it harder if you don't come over here!
 * Dale Gribble: [desperate] You shouldn't have fired me! You know what I'm like! I'm capable of any crazy thing!
 * Hank Hill: But my lawn, Dale! You don't mess with a man's LAWN!
 * Dale Gribble: I had no choice! I tried planting the ants in your driveway, but they didn't take! They couldn't bite through cement! They're weak, like me! [Wheezes]

<hr width="50%"/> (Said to Dale Gribble after he mistakenly thought Dale had died from a poisonous ant attack)
 * Hank Hill: (remorseful) Oh... oh, God. You sacrificed your life to save my son. I guess that makes us even for you ruinin' my lawn... What am I saying? Of course, it makes us even...
 * (Dale coughs up some fire ants)
 * Dale Gribble: While I was blacked out, was anything inserted into me?
 * Hank Hill: (relieved) You're alive?
 * Dale Gribble: ...answer the question.

Plastic White Female [1.12]
Luanne comes home with her practice head for her exam
 * Luanne: Look, Aunt Peggy, I got my practice head! It's got real hair and everything!
 * Peggy: (approaching) Well, Luanne, it's a very nice head-
 * Luanne: (interrupting sharply) DON'T TOUCH IT!! (calmly) Aunt Peggy, I can't let anything happen to it before my final exam.

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 * Bobby:(Talking to a mannequin head) "You look really special tonight."

<hr width="50%"/> Peggy on what their course of action after catching Bobby kissing the mannequin head
 * Peggy: We'll move to Berlin. Bobby will be accepted there. I read somewhere that Germans are a very tolerant people. Their culture admires all kinds of freaks.

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 * Peggy Hill: I know it is not my fault. If anything, this is your fault. You made him go to that camp with no toilet doors.
 * Hank Hill: Don't point your finger at me, woman. You're the one who parks him in front of the TV and makes him watch all them Muppets. They got frogs kissing pigs, what the hell did they think was going to happen?

The salsa music playing during Bobby's 'seduction' of the plastic head is Discarga Criolla by Ray Barreto. <hr width="50%"/>
 * Hank Hill: (Seeing Bobby freeing the practice head in the cabinets) Well that just tears it! I have tried to be patient, but now it's time for a little tough love! (snatches the practice head away from Bobby)
 * Bobby: No...wait!

(Peggy and Luanne emerge from their rooms, as Bobby chases after Hank)
 * Luanne Platter: What's going on?
 * Peggy Hill: I don't know.
 * Bobby Hill: NO, DAD, NO!

(The rest of the family looks on in horror as Hank Hill is cutting the practice head in half, lengthwise, with a circular saw.)
 * Peggy Hill: Hank? Stop Hank! Please!
 * Luanne Platter: Oh no! PLEASE DON'T UNCLE HANK!

(The two halves of the practice head fall to the ground from the circular saw.)
 * Luanne Platter: (inconsolably screaming) MY TEST! WHAT ABOUT MY TEST?!

(Remembering Luanne needed that head to pass her beauty academy exam, Hank can only smile sheepishly)